ellovee:
Careless post from careless fellow. Na you born the girl wey you wan marry abi na court?
If you born your own, you for teach your female daughters that ideology

cronsberg:
Same thing i am going through now. I met a girl, we fell in love, after a couple of months, we agreed to marry. I did the necessary introductions, her family accepted, only for the eldest sister in the family who never visits the family home to start unnecessary hold up to my plans by saying that she was disrespected because my girl didn't inform her that i wanted to marry her . can you believe it? does she even have a goddam say in the whole thing? All the important elders already accepted and are even eager for me to finalize the deal, but this cranky elder sister wants to create very unnecessary drama out of nothing. That is after all the troubles i went through with my girl's brothers that i am confusing their sister, that because of me she ain't serious in school again and all sorts of crap.
Sometimes i wish they will succeed in breaking us up, and knowing my girlfriend is the type that might easily run away from home(she did it before) and will do it again if they refuse to allow me marry her, then let her brothers attempt to face me and say i was responsible for her running away, the kind hell i will put them through eh, hmmm.
I just wonder why we just can't be as simple as europeans or americans regarding these things. You meet a girl, fall in love, plan your wedding, then invite family member. If they come, good. If they didn't, that will surely not stop the wedding. Heck zoom off to vegas and have a casino type wedding. its your life dammit. Thank God both me and my girlfriend are the running away from home type(responsibly though), adventurous and full of life.

Melahou:


now am suspecting you

KMB:


Expect your children to do the same to you

Umuchoke:

I guess the title of the thread is a bit misleading. I never opined not to seek counsels from the elders of the family. My own is just to accept their good wishes and blessings but they can't choose for me. If I love my girl and she equally loves me in return, no family can stop us from getting married

Umuchoke:
Don't get the message wrong; I'm not totally against involving families in marriage but I feel it's better done after the young man and lady has tied the nuptial knots in the court of law. I've seen many cases where a guy would take a girl to his parents to introduce her as his future wife. The parents may accept initially but there would always be one grandpa with so much history in his bald head to ruin the show. He would tell you how the girl's people treated his own village in 1857, and for that reason the marriage shouldn't hold. This can be just so frustrating, especially when the young people involved are seriously in love with each other. Since bigotry and tribal sentiments can't be removed, I suggest we limit families involvement in marriage affairs.

tete7000:


If we ask for their counsel we have already involved them. And as per when disagreement arises, that is where patience and prayer come in. We patiently appeal to them to see where we are coming from when we are convinced of what we want. When marital problems arise our families will always become our refuge, though no one prays for that. However ups and down are part and parcel of marital life.

Umuchoke:

I guess the title of the thread is a bit misleading. I never opined not to seek counsels from the elders of the family. My own is just to accept their good wishes and blessings but they can't choose for me. If I love my girl and she equally loves me in return, no family can stop us from getting married

lawanson44:
[b]Families MUST and should be involved!

I am speaking based on the tribal bigotry of the Yorubas. They will never allow you as an Igbo to marry from their place. That was why i quashed my younger sister's would-be marriage to one guy called Tayo. My sister brought him to our house and my mum though kind of reluctant gave her consent with my uncle but i stepped my foot down that the tayo will never marry my sister. The guy was like why? And i told him that the only condition that will make him marry my sister is for him to furnish me with verifiable information about at least 3 women from his family married to Igbo men which he could not. The guy wanted to play "I won't give up" until i gave him the embarrassment of his life in public one day and it was not someone who told him to call it quits.

My sister hated me for it and would not speak with me for close to 8 months but today she still thanks me alot because the Tayo later got married to a lady from his tribe and my sister happens to know someone who knows the person he is married to. He treats her like shyte and she lost her first pregnancy in a miscarriage due to the insistent beatings she gets from him coupled with the fact that the guy is a chronic womanizer.

My sister is married now to a nice guy from my state and she is expecting her 2 child and grateful to me for not allowing her go astray.[/b]

Umuchoke:

That's the hardest part, bro, and in most cases you don't succeed, especially when your fiancee is from another tribe. I know what I'm saying

hahn:


I agree with you 100%. However, this is not feasible in Nigeria because we are taught from childhood to always respect our parents and "elders" thus making us dependent on their opinions to the extent they control our lives.

In Europe, a parent or family member has to call and book an appointment to see his/her child. If you get to the door without an appointment, it must be temporary and can even get turned back at the door. In Nigeria, your MIL just shows up from the village saying that she's staying for two weeks. And you can't argue

In Europe, kids are taught that by the time they are 18, they can fully run their lives. Many of them leave home, get an apartment, get jobs, go to school once they are 18 and only visit their parents. In Nigeria, a man of 40years that is married with kids still lives in his "father's house".

There are exceptions but this is the norm as the issue of family involvement exists in every country.

I guess most people won't understand if they are not in this kind of situation that will make the non involvement of family seem necessary.

tete7000:


If you are in this dilemma, my advice will be: don't give up, keep praying, keep believing. They at some point will come to respect your opinion.

lawanson44:
[b]Families MUST and should be involved!

I am speaking based on the tribal bigotry of the Yorubas. They will never allow you as an Igbo to marry from their place. That was why i quashed my younger sister's would-be marriage to one guy called Tayo. My sister brought him to our house and my mum though kind of reluctant gave her consent with my uncle but i stepped my foot down that the tayo will never marry my sister. The guy was like why? And i told him that the only condition that will make him marry my sister is for him to furnish me with verifiable information about at least 3 women from his family married to Igbo men which he could not. The guy wanted to play "I won't give up" until i gave him the embarrassment of his life in public one day and it was not someone who told him to call it quits.

My sister hated me for it and would not speak with me for close to 8 months but today she still thanks me alot because the Tayo later got married to a lady from his tribe and my sister happens to know someone who knows the person he is married to. He treats her like shyte and she lost her first pregnancy in a miscarriage due to the insistent beatings she gets from him coupled with the fact that the guy is a chronic womanizer.

My sister is married now to a nice guy from my state and she is expecting her 2 child and grateful to me for not allowing her go astray.[/b]

Umuchoke:

^ ^ ^ ^ ^
See what I was saying? And some people here want me crucified. So, bros, do you think u did a good thing hindering your sister from getting married to the one she loved? Do you think she'll ever forgive you? You placed your own will against her happiness, that's very wrong of you. I don't believe the part of Tayo beating your sister, though. That's a cover up for your wrongdoing. And if she had eloped you'd have rejected her, wouldn't you? Sorry to say this but we don't need people like you in marriage matters. Ishilove, please come and see this

Ricadob:
While it indeed is true that families can be overbearing and sometimes difficult especially when it comes to marriage, their importance can't be shoved in the dirt.

As a man who lives with his family for maybe 25 years, receiving both physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment don't you think it's a little brash suddenly deciding to 'shenk' said family because of a gurl you've known maybe 3 - 4 years?

I know love and i understand love.
I also know that sometimes young men and women can make bad decisions.
Getting married is different from getting a haircut - it should not be taken with levity.

You might not need your family when you choose a girlfriend but for someone you intend to spend the next 50 years of your life with?

Personally I won't hold in high regard, a girl who is in a hurry to throw her family in the mud for marriage.

Knowledge is the principal thing.

Make your family see what you see in the girl rather than giving up one for the other.

Umuchoke:

God bless you immensely for this post. The emboldened is my best part of your analysis. Europeans understand and value the human right to making individualistic choices. Some of our traditions are the reason we're still lagging behind. Thanks a lot and God bless

Umuchoke:

I am, actually, and she's not even a Nigerian. She's from Togo but lives here with her parents. Her parents have already accepted me but my own parents won't, especially my dad. His excuse was that his uncle assisted him with his marriage to my mom and he has no regret until now. But that's some 28 years ago and things have changed

lawanson44:


Nwokem, take seat! I have a friend who wanted to marry a yoruba girl he fell in love with. He told her of his intentions and the girl told him bluntly about how her family members called all the girls in their compound during the wedding ceremony of one of her older cousins who married a yoruba guy and were "advicing" them to follow her footsteps and make sure they clinch on yoruba spouses and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they bring an "Omo-Ibo" as a suitor because they will never give their consent.

And here you are telling me what i did is not good! If the yorubas feel we are not good to marry from their side, then why should i think that they should be assimilated into my own family?

tete7000:


Involve family elders. Explain your preference to them, let them know its your life and you are certain that is what you know is good for you. Don't bring in issue of time has changed.No! Just explain to them that you love the woman and you are certain she loves you back and both of you want each other so much. Tell them to help you talk to him.
It can be really frustrating but time solves all problem. Just humbly and patiently present your case. Don't make it look like you are not an adult and you are wiser than them. They are old men stucked in a long-held belief and it will take time to win them over.
Cheers and all the best.

Umuchoke:
Thanks, bro. I appreciate

hahn:


The average African doesn't see it that way. We keep fighting to preserve our "African values" but still end of bleaching our skin, changing our accent, killing each other, practising tribalism and still hold the title for world's most poverty stricken continent.

Someone mentioned on this thread that "what elders see sitting down a child can't see standing on a tree". While that may be true to an extent, it is important to question what exactly it is they know and how they've been able to apply that knowledge to the greater good of our people. All the corrupt officials and people who have ruined this nation are all our "elders".

It's quite a pathetic situation we are in. And our youths are simply conditioned to repeat the same mistakes our elders did