EnlightenedSoul:


I'm glad. Honestly, not my best but I think I'll be OK.

you will be

Ginaz:



you misunderstood what I was implying, I said that families must be involved when couples are about getting married but after ward they can be completely left out after the union.

it makes sense because as a parent, you would want to know the family your child wants to marry to, you would wanna know them in person so that at least, if anything goes wrong you would know who to contact.

can you let your Child marry into a family you dont know and have not seen?

Well that is a different case.

megamank:

You are just saying it. When you get to that bridge then you will understand. For clarity purpose which part of the country are you from and which tribe?

What is wrong with you people? Which one is am just saying it? I'm Igbo.

If anything, only my immediate family can even say something, which will only be advising me or making suggestions, not outrightly telling me what to do, any other person won't even meet the man till the day of traditional marriage.

Umuchoke:
Don't get the message wrong; I'm not totally against involving families in marriage but I feel it's better done after the young man and lady has tied the nuptial knots in the court of law. I've seen many cases where a guy would take a girl to his parents to introduce her as his future wife. The parents may accept initially but there would always be one grandpa with so much history in his bald head to ruin the show. He would tell you how the girl's people treated his own village in 1857, and for that reason the marriage shouldn't hold. This can be just so frustrating, especially when the young people involved are seriously in love with each other. Since bigotry and tribal sentiments can't be removed, I suggest we limit families involvement in marriage affairs.

you have a point.On the other hand,its for your own good.God forbid that you are engaged to your own sister,how would u know if family isnt involved? Involving families has saved couples from marrying devils as well as caused them their life partners.

I heard of a lady,who was raped by a group of men and when her sister brought her fiance home to introduce to the parents,lo and behold, the fiance was one of the rapists

No matter what,involve your family,The gain is more than the loss

It all boils down to ya experience(s) in life and how close-knitted ya family is and, if you're from a family where blood is always thicker than water. If you have been through things in life, where you have seen the hearts of men, and how most people will always ride the moment with you. But disappear when things hit a snag, with only ya family as loyal ones who're always there for you - you just have to always carry them along in whatever you do.

Also, if you're trying to marry someone, you should always have it at back of ya mind that you're not just marrying the person - the person is just a branch from a tree. And if you can't get along with the family, just leave the person alone, and find an alternative. It's not just about you and the person - it's for the kids as well. Being ostracised by family is not a good thing cos you'll always need ya family.

freecocoa:
What is wrong with you people? Which one is am just saying it? I'm Igbo.

If anything, only my immediate family can even say something, which will only be advising me or making suggestions, not outrightly telling me what to do, any other person won't even meet the man till the day of traditional marriage.

Only your immediate family. What if its your immediate family member that is showing the concern about something you never really looked at as an issue?

RasheedUmar:

I won't be happy but to avoid stories that touch it's better I don't tell them. i think I have the same issue with the op

Ok bro..I believe u av ur reasons

megamank:

Only your immediate family. What if its your immediate family member that is showing the concern about something you never really looked at as an issue?

You do know what making suggestions and giving advise mean right? I am telling you no one in my family will make an issue saying I will not marry the man.

My family understand the word 'choice'.

megamank:

Yes I understand you. The truth is that every parent wants the best for you as child so they wouldn't keep quite if they see anything wrong that will harm you in the future. The best thing to do is to listen to them and convince them beyond reasonable doubt that he is the best for you. And also let the guy prove himself to be the best for you even if he has to pretend. On most occasion the fear of the parents for not agreeing initially is always confirmed later on after the marriage as years goes on. You need your family for support and advice to a level in taking marital decision

Yh, but parents aren't 'saints' on account of just being your parents. They can be as wrong and unreasonable as anyone else.

cococandy:
you will be

Aw thanks

lawanson44:


[b]Bro...i grew up as a kid and even most of my adult years loving the yoruba culture. I was a kid out of the 90s during the Afrobeat DUDU music era of Shina Peters. I enjoyed his music as a child. I loved to watch them play their drums with zest and at a time, we (my parents and i) lived in a compound with yorubas where i played together with the kids. Look at my NL moniker "Lawanson"...is it not a Yoruba Lagos Name?

But as i grew up, experiences began to open my eyes.

I don't even want to talk about the bigotry anti-igbo comments i see here when i began my sojourn into NL

Let me give you an instance...My cousin (My Dad's elder brother's daughter) served in Osun state and i remember how she recounted her ordeal as a corper in the West due to segregation as an omo-ibo. At a time, she almost died because all of a sudden, her face and feet began to swell as a result of some diabolic stuff which was sent to her there. We had to bring her back to the East and took her to various hospitals where they ran all the Tests in the world and saw nothing until she was taken to Okigwe where herbs were administered before she recovered.

Will i leave out the incident about a family friend who worked in a Federal Govt Parastatal in Abia where he was promoted above 2 of his superiors who were yorubas. According to one of the staff (a lady who lived in lagos and understood yoruba language very well), she overheard where one of the guys was boasting that he will make sure that Omo-ibo does not enjoy the promotion. The particular guy in question took leave and came back after a week and became uncontrollably close to this my friend unlike before and before you know it, Jidechukwu became terribly sick and was in a vegetative state for months before he finally died.

Let me talk about myself who has also witnessed my own share of livid hatred. I was invited to come deploy a network server for an office and when i did the job very well, the man in charge offered that i work with them part-time so that whenever there is an issue, i can be easily accessed. I was overjoyed and returned to the place to take the offer when i was told by the man's PA that his secretary and clerk who were yorubas quickly arranged for another guy who was into the same thing and convinced their boss that he should take him instead because i said i was not going to take the job. I got in touch with the man and he confirmed that it was what his secretary told him. His PA confided in me that when he asked the sec and the clerk why they were conniving to out-do me, they simply said that they didn't want an Omo-Ibo to come and start "RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH THEM" in that office! ( The boss and his PA are from Edo)....That was to me the last straw!

That was when i started to hate yorubas and i will ever continue to hate them forever and make sure it trickles down to my children and grandchildren.


Case closed![/b]

Your post reeks of hatred. It is quite nauseating.

I served in Ondo state and my landlady was a native of the land. We called her 'Mummy Nurse' and she was a mother to all the corp members, despite the fact that we were all from either the eastern part or the middle belt of Nigeria. The locals themselves were very accommodating and treated us well. In addition, my oldest friend (we have been friends since we were 13yrs old) is a Yoruba lady.

Evil is not a function of ethnicity but rather, human nature. We are all inherently flawed in one aspect or the other, some more than the others. It has nothing to do with what tribe we come from.

The scenarios you have painted in your posts happen everywhere and not just among Yoruba people. Don't use a few bad eggs to judge an entire ethnic group.

Umuchoke:

You don't have to go there to know. The media is there to tell us. Some even get married and have kids before informing their fams.

true

Yes, you can! But family involvement is desirable and honoring. Afterall if one was abroad you could do so in their absence.

Umuchoke:

My dear, I'm sure you're still a young girl but you just sounded like my old grandmother with her archaic African mentality! Why is it necessary that you carry out a thorough investigation on his family background before taking marriage decision? Where do you place LOVE, which ought to be paramount? Read my intro again; families are important but they have no right to decide your marriage choice for you. Take the example of the guy above who said the sister to his girlfriend is trying to stop their marriage. Would you listen to your sister if you were in his shoes?
Then again, I don't believe in witches and wizards but if I eventually fall in love with a witch she'd change because of me. That's love. I also know it's foolish to love a known armed robber but are you telling me you'd jilt the boy you claim you love if perchance you discover he's osu (an outcast) in his hometown? I think you have to glance over the statistics of divorce in Nigeria to realize how bitter a failure marriage really is. Most of them were manipulations of families

I dey feel you..
Dem no go understand.

Blossom023:


If you don't leave your family, you can't cleave. Family should not be involved with newly wedded couples cos u guys are understanding each other.

I wonder o. Some will even expect their parents to tell them how many times they're supposed to fvck their wives

I have observed the opposing views and reactions from different people, and I must commend everybody.

However, let me quickly make some points clear. I share the Op's frustrations, because the compulsory involvement, as it where, of some family members can truncate a promising union. This is because, most or a few of them, may not be entirely happy with the fact that, Mr A's daughter is getting married while mine is not.

I quite agree that we must not deny our parents the joy of actively participating in our happiest moment. Also, we need to understand that the consent, approval and blessing of our "immediate parents" is necessary.

Unfortunately, aside our immediate parents, the involvement of any other family member, should be predicated on the confidence that, they have good intentions for the couple. Such involvement and their contribution and suggestions, shouldn't be allowed to determine the eventual outcome.

The uncle described by the Op, may have chosen to frustrate the couple with retrospective sentiments, just to justify his evil intention of truncating the promising union, maybe, out of envy.

We must respect our parents and trust them to listen to us and understand what is good for us, especially as regards our future.

I advice that parents should establish a good relationship that will make us discuss with them freely. This will put us in the same reality page.

SirShymexx:
It all boils down to ya experience(s) in life and how close-knitted ya family is and, if you're from a family where blood is always thicker than water. If you have been through things in life, where you have seen the hearts of men, and how most people will always ride the moment with you. But disappear when things hit a snag, with only ya family as loyal ones who're always there for you - you just have to always carry them along in whatever you do.

Also, if you're trying to marry someone, you should always have it at back of ya mind that you're not just marrying the person - the person is just a branch from a tree. And if you can't get along with the family, just leave the person alone, and find an alternative. It's not just about you and the person - it's for the kids as well. Being ostracised by family is not a good thing cos you'll always need ya family.

I love this.

freecocoa:
You do know what making suggestions and giving advise mean right? I am telling you no one in my family will make an issue saying I will not marry the man.

My family understand the word 'choice'.

Ewo! I like this babe!

Joromi1:

Ewo! I like this babe!

I don't understand how any sane person won't know, the people getting married, have the final say.

It's insane from where I stand.

It's always been, make the choice and live with the consequences in my family, as adults that is.

SirShymexx:
It all boils down to ya experience(s) in life and how close-knitted ya family is and, if you're from a family where blood is always thicker than water. If you have been through things in life, where you have seen the hearts of men, and how most people will always ride the moment with you. But disappear when things hit a snag, with only ya family as loyal ones who're always there for you - you just have to always carry them along in whatever you do.

Also, if you're trying to marry someone, you should always have it at back of ya mind that you're not just marrying the person - the person is just a branch from a tree. And if you can't get along with the family, just leave the person alone, and find an alternative. It's not just about you and the person - it's for the kids as well. Being ostracised by family is not a good thing cos you'll always need ya family.

Wisdom!

freecocoa:
I don't understand how any sane person won't know, the people getting married, have the final say.

It's insane from where I stand.

It's always been, make the choice and live with the consequences in my family, as adults that is.

True talk!

SirShymexx:
It all boils down to ya experience(s) in life and how close-knitted ya family is and, if you're from a family where blood is always thicker than water. If you have been through things in life, where you have seen the hearts of men, and how most people will always ride the moment with you. But disappear when things hit a snag, with only ya family as loyal ones who're always there for you - you just have to always carry them along in whatever you do.

Also, if you're trying to marry someone, you should always have it at back of ya mind that you're not just marrying the person - the person is just a branch from a tree. And if you can't get along with the family, just leave the person alone, and find an alternative. It's not just about you and the person - it's for the kids as well. Being ostracised by family is not a good thing cos you'll always need ya family.

Very deep...

Ur case is different...op is talking abt those of us that dont hate our families

RasheedUmar:
I've already said it. My dad won't know when I get married but I'll show him my children

RasheedUmar:
I've already said it. My dad won't know when I get married but I'll show him my children

You must be prodigal son, don't be offended my guy, just saying my mind.

lawanson44:


Nwokem, take seat! I have a friend who wanted to marry a yoruba girl he fell in love with. He told her of his intentions and the girl told him bluntly about how her family members called all the girls in their compound during the wedding ceremony of one of her older cousins who married a yoruba guy and were "advicing" them to follow her footsteps and make sure they clinch on yoruba spouses and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they bring an "Omo-Ibo" as a suitor because they will never give their consent.

And here you are telling me what i did is not good! If the yorubas feel we are not good to marry from their side, then why should i think that they should be assimilated into my own family?

Someone said you sound like a tribal bigot. I am inclined to agree with him.

I have also seen Igbo guys who date Yoruba girls, (sometimes for several years), but when it comes to marriage, they take off to go and marry a girl from their village or local govt area.

I personally witnessed a case where this Igbo guy dated a Yoruba girl right from her undergraduate days until she finished youth corps, got a job and everything. Their relationship spanned more than 5 years, and all their friends had assumed it would end in marriage.

She even spurned the attention of other suitors due to her love for this guy. He was her first and only lover for years. She had even introduced him to her family, and there were no objections. When the girl felt time was passing, she brokered the question about their future together. His answer was instructive: "Relationships between Igbo and Yoruba people, do not work." What kind of an answer is that? After how many years of courtship?

The girl fell into depression and almost lost her marbles. Now, if she came to you for counselling, what answer would you give her??

Umuchoke:
Don't get the message wrong; I'm not totally against involving families in marriage but I feel it's better done after the young man and lady has tied the nuptial knots in the court of law. I've seen many cases where a guy would take a girl to his parents to introduce her as his future wife. The parents may accept initially but there would always be one grandpa with so much history in his bald head to ruin the show. He would tell you how the girl's people treated his own village in 1857, and for that reason the marriage shouldn't hold. This can be just so frustrating, especially when the young people involved are seriously in love with each other. Since bigotry and tribal sentiments can't be removed, I suggest we limit families involvement in marriage affairs.

That is (one of the MANY) difference(s) between Oyinbo people and Africans. Hard to say, but the truth remains.

They wil tell you about some stupid tradition, tradition that hasn't benefitted mankind in any way.

Umuchoke:

Trust me, the Yoruba girl did not love the Igbo guy otherwise the fear of being called iyawo omo Ibo wouldn't have deterred her. True love breaks across family/tribal barriers!

Both of them did not love each other, jare. I have seen this same situation play out in reverse, where an Igbo family has warned their children against marrying an 'ofe'manu' (i.e. Yoruba person). The family was from Anambra, and the person being given an ultimatum, was their first son. So it cuts both ways. They didn't realise I knew the couple.

The truth is that all families are not the same. What may be accepted in one family, maybe rejected in another. This ethnic bias cuts across all tribes.

Sometimes, when a family says no to the choice of their child, it may be borne out of fear. Fear of the unknown or the unfamiliar, fear of change etc.

Most African parents are protective. You cannot raise your son or daughter for 25 - 30 years, and he or she wants to get married to someone you have never seen or met before. Your first instinct as a parent might be to say 'NO', until you have had an opportunity to meet and assess this person at close range over a period of time.

Your feelings might then change as the person's character wins you over. Sometimes parental objection to a union, might draw the couple closer and make them forge a stronger bond. Trust me, when there is pressure you learn more about each other than you ever did before.

Prayers also have a part to play here. Afterall, God created these families even the ones that are raising those objections, and He surely would know how to quell their objections and provide wisdom to counter it.

Sometimes, when the good, the bad and the ugly sides of the family come into play, and the intending couple manage to develop the right strategies and responses to weather the storm, it adds to the love they feel for each other and helps to strengthen the foundation of their relationship.

Faint heart never won fair lady...

Ginaz:
I dont think its a good ideal because the marriage is involving two families. the families need to know each other and will act as a pillar to the young couples in troubles times.

I know family can be frustrating sometimes, you can limit them completely only when you have started your family.
but when two couples are about getting married, both families needs to be involved and introduced.

well said

From my point of view .History should not be negated most marriages breaks together becos of low or no research and lack of moral . We find ourselves to lazy and hurry to do proper findings . Do not find urself as island of knowledge . I learnt my listen . But back on track .

Kingscee:
You must be prodigal son, don't be offended my guy, just saying my mind.

No

benELOHIM7:
Ur case is different...op is talking abt those of us that dont hate our families

Rubbish! Did I tell u I hate my family?