This is a long one so grab a comfy chair and some popcorn. Please stick with me though as i am feeling so lost right now and really need some solid advice and a large range of various perspectives.

[Please note that i'm at work right now so if i make a few errors then sorry lol.]

So let me start with a little about myself. Im 23. female. 5 ft 7. In fairly good shape(curvy). Easy on the eyes. I am in my very first long term relationship and we are about to celebrate our 1 year anniversary on Feb 6th. My boyfriend is 25. Male (obviously lol). Also easy on the eyes. Very innocent and a real gentleman. He's a real sweetheart! I've been looking forward to a day he'll take me to see his parents.

We have been very happy together. Weve had our ups and downs but nothing too serious has really threatened our relationship，until now (atleast from my perspective).... Before we get into the heat of the discussion，just know that i was a very confident and secure individual. I trusted my boyfriend whole heartedly and i felt as though nothing could ever threaten “us”. That facade has broken and has left me weak and somewhat feeble. A shadow of my former self-assured character.

So on the Monday night just past (it is currently Thursday afternoon) my boyfriend，his best friend his workmate and his workmates girlfriend and I decide to drink and go night clubbing/dancing. We pre-drink and then head to the clubs. We drink and dance and at one point (1am?) the other couple fight and go home. So now its just my boyfriend，his best friend and myself. This is where it got weird...
We're on the dance floor when my boyfriend he's got something to tell me. He says “my ex-gf is coming to meet up and hang out with us soon，just thought you should know，you're alright with it ok?”. Bleep no i wasnt alright with it，like wtf man. I told him that，and he said it would be fine. So i was like whatever，maybe this is normal? (keeping in mind that this is my first long term bf).

Anyway so we move clubs and she shows up [about 23/5.9ft/skinny and way beautiful more than me. around 60kg]and talks to my bf and his mate and ignores me for a solid 10 seconds until i introduce myself. I squeeze harder than normal when shaking her hand，and look her square in the eyes. she squeezes a little hard but i overpower her. She also averts her gaze (i won that battle! Haha). I give them a chance to catch up by going to pee for a few minutes. When i come back inside we chat awkwardly. This lasts for 30 seconds and she goes silent so i just start dancing to the music to get over the awkward silence that follows. she then walks off somewhere. At this point my bf tells me that hes going to dance. So i follow him out and it turns out she was going to dance with him... What. The. Bleep. At this point she sees me，and tells the guys she leaving. Good riddence...

So the night carries on as normal，only i keep questioning in my head on wtf just happened. This is when i think i started to become paranoid and obssessive. These qualities slowly manifested from that point on that night，to what it is now. Anyway，back to the story.
As the night continued，i notice my bf acting a little strange. Every time i went to hold his hand，he'd hold it weakly and then shake my hand off. I kept testing and he'd keep doing it. I then noticed he'd start to avoid my kisses to the point where id go for a kiss，and he'd fully turn away so id get his cheek. he even pushed me off him once. Finally，hed been avoiding any and all eye contact for the rest of the night. Thats when i knew something was up.

When we got home and settled into bed，i told about how i was feeling. he got angry and said “whats wrong with that” and “you met your ex boyfriend the other day!” (this was at a gathering of my friend group of where he just happened to be，because we're from the same friend group). We had a big fight and he made me feel like i was in the wrong. He said i needed to just let it go because they were just friends. I sit there dumb founded feeling like i was an absolute fool for bringing it up. He then goes to sleep.
At this point i start freaking out as，while we were fighting， he told me her ex gf was from secondary school and that their break up was “mutual”. They were together for close to 4 years and i feel like they were high school sweathearts. I also suspect she lost her virginity to him.

Anyway， i was lying there next to my drunk sleeping boyfriend when i decided to read his texts. Turns out they had been texting on and off since August 2015 (she initiated first contact). They had also been meeting up whenever his ex gf was in town. (my bf ex-gf lives in a different city). The worst part was that They actually went and got a “drink” (at a bar) every time. A couple of times they even meet up at a club. This happened all without my knowing and i honestly cant believe that ive just found out this weekend. Reading those texts felt like someone was trying to yank my heart out of my chest. The realisation that your bf has been doing this is one of the most painful things ive ever been through. Id rather break my arms.

Now what gets me most about these texts is that he didnt even make a mention of me at all. One night that they were texting，was a night we were at a family event. The ex gf asked my bf what he was doing. Instead of saying “im at my gfs family event”，he just said “im drinking at a friends place”. Noticing that he was texting his ex-gf without mentioning me was absolutely gut wrenching.
I asked him yesterday if he had seen him any other times other than last monday. And i said “you would tell me if you have right babe?”. He denied any other times he met him. I knew he was lying so i just said “i trust that you would tell me babe” and left it at that. I asked him about it again today and he just got angry and said “are we going to fight about this again”. Again i left it alone but tonight im gathering the courage to finally bring it up and tell him about reading his texts and that i know he's been lying to me.

Is this a good idea? What can i do? Should i just leave it alone? Does he have feelings for his ex gf? Is he cheating on me?
Please please please help me out here. I dont know what to do and the paranoia and obssession is starting to take over my life. My heart is just telling me to move past it and keep loving him(LOve his so much). But my head is telling me to back off and get out know before that heart gets ripped out and torn to shreds.
I really appreciate any help or advice here and i really appreciate you sticking with me until now. Im so lost and in a heap of pain at the moment....

I really need this to hit the front page cos I registered on this site because of this issue so I can seek advice

ur story is confusing

Lol what a funny story.

Well, you are insecure.

My advice: Break up with him, he is cheating on you. And you know it. He doesn't love you. He did but it cease when they started texting again. So break up now before you find him with her in bed then say 'oh.. Strahovski said it'

He gets defensive when you talk about it.. avoiding your kisses.. blah blah blah it's obvious. They were together for 4 year.. you is 1 year so yeah he loves her more than you. Perhaps they never broke up.. Maybe distance kept them apart you never can tell so it's great having them together and you are a wall in the way.

Break up with him and move on.. That's my advice. If you want to continue reading his texts like a vigilante suit yourself.

to the 1st 2 posters

I wont be surprised if you guys have academic issues, and its certain you find it difficult to comprehend a write up.


@OP, I think its perfectly fine to confront your bf based on your findings and his lies, to be honest you are patient sef, someone like my GF will wake me up straight away and query me on that. one time she saw a sextape of my ex on an old tablet i no longer use and did not even know was still in it, she used water to wake me up ,


Be careful though, it may not go as you want it to go, all i am saying is be prepared for anything that happens, its obvious he lied, question is did he cheat?

Wow long but I had to go tru it.
This is pre marriage, and your feeling all this pain.
From all indications the fellow is not ready for you. What does he know and is he ready to respect you. Trust point one. Emotions can lie, from all indications der is an emotional tie.
It is very painful when your deeply in love with someone and your not getting the same.
Advice :give it a pause don't quit yet.
Answer des questions for urself.
Do you want to marry dis fellow or you.
Are you driven by emotions.
Do you trust him enough, without suspecting
Do you think you can change him

The truth is he loves u but he's still into his Ex... You have to give him an ultimatum to decide, avoid him for a while and be urself... But seriously ba, it so unfortunate that u re the present gf, that dude will want his Ex bck since he treats u bad in her presence it obvious he loves her more than u. But hey am here I broke up with my babe on monday can we start afresh?

Take a chill pill sister...

Just ask him if he still loves her and make sure you get a specific answer.

Don't be in a hurry and be sure he is in a better mood to make reasonable decisions.

Whatever his response is should determine your next line of action.

If he still loves her, then let him know you'll quit the relationship.

If he claims they are "just friends" , then let him know her presence is a threat to you.

Whatever the situation may be, just keep it cool and don't be dramatic.

By the way, why are you both living together without any concrete steps towards formalising your union or are you guys in a relationship of convenience?

From your actions, it seems you are too emotionally demanding, don't throw kisses all over him else he might get irritated.


Regards!

U see the thing about relationships is communication. Let him know exactly how u feel, don't jst come up straight and ask him.

Tell him u want to talk and its been eating u up. Let him know dat u read the text between the both of them. Tell him this in a very calm manner don't go up and raise ur voice Cos this might piss him off. Completely pure out ur heart let him know u feel insecure and let him reassure u that nothing is going on.

The truth is u won't know if he's telling u the truth or not. jst give it time and watch hw the relationship goes from then on.

The thing is if he is going to brake up he would..

Mzlolar, your story is quite engaging. Easy on the eye and mind.

If a guy (while chatting) avoids mentioning to his ex that he has a new girlfriend or he even goes as far as hanging out with her, he is most probably still interested in the former relationship.

From your narrative, it looks like you could be a hothead yourself. (No offence)

Try not to be dramatic in your approach to him. It was not cool for you to snoop. He didn't block your access to his phone because he trusted you yet you abused that. Now, o ti fi oju ko jappin.

It's unfair of him to have hidden his communication with his ex from you. That's a red flag. Some part of him still hopes to get back with her.

Confront him like you intend to. Sad for you to be in this situation; competing with someone who has much sway over him. Anyway, forgiveness is not a bad thing for first offenders though. I like the way you write; you have quite an interesting personality.

All the best.

You can start another short term relationship cos long term can be so annoying,or better still you can still go back to one of your numerous Ex'es.

This story be like oyibo fim

so in summary,he's still in contact with his ex.

Just ask him.

If you tell him you went through his texts, I bet he would get angry and break up with you.

Goodluck!

Like u just said!! U want to gather up d courage to tell him this nite is good idea and be prepare for his reaction which is to fight u on it and try defend his action which you must not accept or agree to.

Suggest that you two to give each other some space until dis issue is resolve i.e when he is able to pick side btw. You and his ex girlfriend which u 70% believe they are in contact and still seeing eachoda if not knackin eachoda......

‎Dis. Will be difficult forr u to say but it will be best decision for u to make--from dat moment you must not pick his calls or reply his text { I mean like little shakara} all dis to know if he still Ave any feelings. For u or weda he still loves you @all or may be he still love his ex gf
‎
If he now comes back to you-- which I blive he will,,now consider his plea and now state your conditions if he truly want dis relationship to work‎---- which will be not to see her. Again and not to exchange text again.

Omo, from the post to all the comments na back to back novels. Who wan read all these epistles ehh.

op u are pretty and I wonder what ur rival will look like since u said she's more beautiful than u are..

Op, this is kinda serious.
There are so many red flags in your relationship.
The fact that he has refused to mention your relationship to his ex in their chats for months is a sign he is still having a spot for his ex.
I realised he lied on several occasions, obviously he is still interested in his ex. So your place is not so secured.

Getting married to him at the end doesn't make it a success, it is about sustaining it to the end. A relationship that is full of deceit is bound to head for the rock.
I won't blame you for checking his phone(tho you should be prepared to face whatever you see there), because you are expected to secure your future, get to know who you want to be with(because of situations like this nooni)


Advice: don't throw it bluntly to him(you won't get such assess to his phone again, and you won't know his excapades). Ask him questions based on what you gathered from all you saw on his phone and assess his level of sincerity. Hold back from him a bit, don't be all over him so you can see his true person (ti oju ba farabale, a ri imu)

If you can deal with the emotional trauma involved and pains of sharing when you get married to him, you can go ahead

One more important thing is that, don't deceive yourself with "longest serious relationship you have ever had" . It doesn't amount to being the best for you. DON'T EVER BE CONTROLLED BY EMOTIONS(it is deceitful)

interesting
looking forward to more comments

Took my time to go through this,so am gonna take my time to analyze it.
I will like to be blunt and relate to this story so mizlolar can get a reasonable advice from it

1) I have always warned every lady I see as a friend never to love a man 100% (this is where Mizlolar's problem is coming from),if y'all gonna love keep 30-50% of your heart for heartbreak,some people will say its because I have been heartbroken severally or what not,but that's just the truth,any matured lady will know this, am not referring to these kids calling themselves ladies on romance section o

cc mznaett


2)You have not actually caught your boyfriend cheating on you with his Ex, but there are signs and traces that he is cheating,this invariably means he has either cheated with her or he is working towards it,note he has cheated emotionally from what you wrote up there.

3)your boyfriend loves his Ex more than you,that is if he even love you at all,why did I say that,you went to a club together,his Ex came along,he wanted to dance with her but you allowed your feminine instincts take over instead of playing it cool,he got angry with that and took out the aggression on you,does that ring a bell?
A man that values you will feel bad about it not angry at you,he will try to apologise to you,not make you take the blame...true talk

4)you tried to talk about it,even if that was the wrong time,he was still very angry and ignored you,by sleeping off on you,he doesn't value you like his Ex number 2 reason why I said he still loves his Ex more than you that is if he actually love you

5) you snooped through his phone and saw reasons to confirm that he and his ex have been in communication and even gone on dates (very wrong to snoop because obviously your heart can't take it).you summoned up courage to ask him and he denies it,obviously he still has some likings for you,if not he would have tell it to your face that he doesn't give a damn_

6)conclusively since that number 5 came to play,I think you should give him the benefit of doubt because obviously you are so loved up,a breakup will shatter you...


How do you do this,I recommend you keep cool about the issue,no matter how biting it is to you,avoid brushing it and become more loving,by

a)cooking his best meals

b)taking care of his place

c)getting him surprise gifts

d) avoiding his phone like a plague,no matter the urge.

and every loving thing you can think of,yes men love to be pampered like babies

Do this for atleast a month,my dear avoid his phone during this time,give him enough space..
after the space of a month or two,if he hasn't shown any change in attitude eg,not picking your calls,not calling you,not taking you out,not visiting you,or every other things he has been doing,then he must have had the last sex with his ex,or she is now his side girlfriend or he is done with her,but if his attitude changes,after that 2 months,if he stopped caring for you in any way my sister,you are on your own,he might be back with his Ex, you should give yourself brain and jump on the next train...


why did I not just advice you to breakup with him or get angry ,I have realised such approach does not solve anything and at the end of the day you might hurt yourself,since you are the emotional type


A little from the experiences of Spicy in the dating world. No need to thank me,you are welcome

cc mizlolar

Mehnn, even the mods sef would feeL reluctant moving this complicated buzzing write up to fp...unless except

Mehnn, even the mods sef would feeL reluctant moving this complicated and buzzing write up to fp...unless except

Youngpo413:
You can start another short term relationship cos long term can be so annoying,or better still you can still go back to one of your numerous Ex'es.

Are you the bf?

A nice story
i have to tell u babe that ur bf love towards u is fading cos the ex. They say that "first love never dies" and u mention of dis flowering of a thing, so babe i will advice u to start looking for a new gentleman or wait until the day he reaped off of ur fragile hat. Confronting him cos of the text of a thing will even motivate him to drive u away or even beat u.

Strahovski1:
Lol what a funny story.

Well, you are insecure.

My advice: Break up with him, he is cheating on you. And you know it. He doesn't love you. He did but it cease when they started texting again. So break up now before you find him with her in bed then say 'oh.. Strahovski said it'

He gets defensive when you talk about it.. avoiding your kisses.. blah blah blah it's obvious. They were together for 4 year.. you is 1 year so yeah he loves her more than you. Perhaps they never broke up.. Maybe distance kept them apart you never can tell so it's great having them together and you are a wall in the way.

Break up with him and move on.. That's my advice. If you want to continue reading his texts like a vigilante suit yourself.

So the cure to headache is cutting the head off abi??

thywobab:


So the cure to headache is cutting the head off abi??

Yes! Happy now?

That's a lame statement you made. It's obvious he is cheating on her. This is the time to back out. You guys know the truth but continue to hide it because he is a man like yourself.

Even if he is not cheating, lies are enough to end relationship. Imagine chatting with your ex and not even mention your gf or even tell your gf what does that mean? Even blind man who can't see but hear the story would know what to do.

If only this op can come here in 6 months time to give us update. I bet she would have left him

Ma'am, no one likes a nosy lady. Your predicament is borne outta trust issues you do have. Leaving him ain't gonna solve a thing, you're scarred and the next guy is gonna bear the brunt of your current dilemma. Best bet is ignoring his antics, be the best you could be, a guy who's worth his weight in gold would definitely know what's good for him.

This is why i shoot people.

LIKE..

Op, which school did you graduate from ?

Ok, so you happy your boyfriend is cheating ? Cheers.

Strahovski1:


Yes! Happy now?

That's a lame statement you made. It's obvious he is cheating on her. This is the time to back out. You guys know the truth but continue to hide it because he is a man like yourself.

Even if he is not cheating, lies are enough to end relationship. Imagine chatting with your ex and not even mention your gf or even tell your gf what does that mean? Even blind man who can't see but hear the story would know what to do.

If only this op can come here in 6 months time to give us update. I bet she would have left him

Obviously you know nothing about relationship.

PushMusic:
Take a chill pill sister...

Just ask him if he still loves her and make sure you get a specific answer.

Don't be in a hurry and be sure he is in a better mood to make reasonable decisions.

Whatever his response is should determine your next line of action.

If he still loves her, then let him know you'll quit the relationship.

If he claims they are "just friends" , then let him know her presence is a threat to you.

Whatever the situation may be, just keep it cool and don't be dramatic.

By the way, why are you both living together without any concrete steps towards formalising your union or are you guys in a relationship of convenience?

From your actions, it seems you are too emotionally demanding, don't throw kisses all over him else he might get irritated.


Regards!

Amidst all i think u gave the best solution and then u advised too,..i like u.

thywobab:


Obviously you know nothing about relationship.

Yeah. I think it's because I'm married so I know about marriages not bf/gf relationships..