Hmmm!!!! I feel your pain sis. Be strong and dnt give up. Embrace a prayerfull approach and turn a blind eye to all he does henc4th. Its not going to be easy but for ur kids and ur sanity, u need to overlook his manifestations.

Cheund:
All comments and views are highly appreciated. He just came back now, and his mum opened the house for him. I am speechless and with no strength to confront him after reading your comments.
His mother came in asking me to forgive him. What should I do or shouldn't do. I have been doing my best to keep my home and honestly, I am about giving up hope.
How long will this continues? I am bearing all these because of my children, my mum and younger ones and my place of work. They look up to and expect much from me. What should i do or shouldn't I do?

I am gradually getting frustrated and losing focus and inspiration from my around me. I will be 32 by late this year, with a promising career and viable business I do from the comfort of my home just to augment govt salary.

I need stability mentally and emotionally and my hubby is threatening all these by his attitude.

I am thinking about quitting the marriage but don't know if it's right at this time and I am also scared about the other phase of life.

InformedLola:


Hmmn. You work for the government and you own multiple cars? Are you a politician?

Ofcourse the most important thing here is the material things she owns.
Try to hide the green shade small na.

johnson232:

what actually happened?
it is obvious there is something u are not telling us, because u women know how to lie very well.
was he like this before u both got married? what happened?

How did his parents offend him for him to be ignoring and disrespecting them? It's obvious that op's husband has anger and attitude issues yet you're trying to push the blame on her. It's always the woman's fault that's she's in a bad marriage even if she eventually dies in it, you lot still find a way to blame her. I tire o

Cheund:

It is painful, really painful. Here I am thinking out my next line of action. My husband slaps and tries to strangle me at any little provocation. Whe he has a date, he looks for a quarrel and sleeps out.

I am tired of both physical and emotional humiliation. I have 3 kids-6/4/24mnths, I bring the food to the house for him and the kids. He works with a private firm but often come back home saying no money. I work for the government and takes care of family bills. The cars in the house are all mine and he drives any at will.

He has no value or respect for family / wife or mother. I am ashamed of complaining to my mum or the church. DON'T SAY HIS MUM OR DAD, he walks out on them and have no respect for anyone.

When you see him out, he looks calm and nice but believe me he is a wolf in sheep clothing.

I have been thinking out what to do when he returns home today. This is 6:33am he left the house since about 10:pm last night without a word to any one. I overheard his mum(she's been with us for Omugwo) asking where he was going to , he ignored her and drove off.

I am tired and thinking out my mind what to do when he returns.

I have no strong bones like him so don't advise I fight him, but I am thinking I should lock the gate and do not allow him in. Pls nairaland family help me out. What should I do?
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Honey darling, the first thing to ask yourself is that: "if this guy isn't in my life or my kids lives, what exactly would I miss and what would change"?

List your answers, positives and negatives and that should help you decide.

Reading your write up, my answer to this would be-
1) I would not get strangled again.
2) I would have one less mouth to feed, house...etc
3)my mental and emotional state would improve, I stop fearing for my life, I don't have to worry about where he is, who he is with and if/when he would be returning home.
4) if I am happier, I can do more for my kids and in turn they will be happier because they are getting a happier mummy.
5) my kids won't have witness violence that may scar them for life.
6) if he isn't here, I may find love again. But no one can use marriage to bedazzle me again, been there, done that got the t-shirt.
7) I can rediscover the person I used to be, reconnect with that younger, carefree self. I can do things for me that I find fulfilling.
I will be alive and remain alive.
Feel free to add to the list.

InformedLola:


Hmmn. You work for the government and you own multiple cars? Are you a politician?

Working for the government does not mean thats my sole source of income. I run other businesses that pay me well specifically Event consultancy, What ever kind of event, I offer professional advice and services from the comfort of my home and all I need to succeed in such business is contacts and recommendations.

Working for the government in this context mean 'Civil servant'.

@Cheund
When did this whole thing started? after your 3rd child? 2nd child?

Are your kids all female?

Have you ever lied to him? about your age? virginity?

Did you beg him to marry you?

Do you have an elder brother/uncle?

Why don't you threaten him with a divorce, and watch his reaction?

Why don't you drop a fake divorce paper/file/appraisal on the Table, or any other place he could see it? On sighting that, the fear of poverty and homelessness would make him run to you to ask questions.

Pls note, never be scared to divorce anyone. You're only 32, young and beautiful. Many men would see you, 'toast' you, and treat you like an angel that you are. Never be scared of loneliness! No man loves divorce, the fear of starting over again would make him search for the love he used to share with you, especially now that he has 3 kids.

Do all this, and come back with results. BTW, if you need a fake divorce appraisal, you could get it easily.

dominique:


How did his parents offend him for him to be ignoring and disrespecting them? It's obvious that op's husband has anger and attitude issues yet you're trying to push the blame on her. It's always the woman's fault that's she's in a bad marriage even if she eventually dies in it, you lot still find a way to blame her. I tire o

lol...
u misconstrued my point.
if op's hubby was like this before marriage, am sure she wouldn't have married him.
something happened that is makng the man to act this way, that was what i wanted to find out, no one is blaming the woman for anything...

Acidosis,

In the past, I felt there was a young man behind this moniker that was polite (rare on this site). However, this is an important issue, this is someone' personal life and safety. And you seem to have forgotten your manners and are here making mocking comments trying to score cheap points with a very digusting crowd (who don't know where to draw the line). This poster (if she is real) is not one of your usual sparring partners on this section. She does not need this from anyone. Please decide whether or not you wish to turn this thread into a typical Family Section brawl or decide if you want to behave like a decent person and take that brawl to any of the numerous threads opened specifically for that sort of wrangling (you know the usual posters, male and female whom you guys like to be exchanging "pleasantries" with). You can ignore this, but take a minute and think about what I've said. And I would say the same thing to any female poster who is also bringing her fight to this thread: go to your usual playgrounds and continue there. This lady needs genuine help, not nonsense. I will modify this comment if you choose to modify yours.

Thanks.

am sorry about ur situation but glad that u'v been able to handle it maturedly. However, physical violence must not be tolerated in any disguise, involve ur mum and uncles and his parents as well, in short call for a family meeting and discuss the issue. Tell them of ur intention to leave the marriage if d beatings continue and let them know that security agents will also be involved from now h. My a advice may sound a bit too drastic but with d rising incidences of domestic violence leading to death, its best to take precaution. Remember that ur kids will suffer if u'r no longer around, so act while u can and may the Lord protect u.

Onegai:
Acidosis,

In the past I have given you the benefit of mentions. I felt there was a young man behind this moniker that was polite (rare on this site). However, this is an important issue, this is someone' personal life and safety. And you seem to have forgotten your manners and are here making mocking comments trying to score cheap points with a very digusting crowd. This poster (if she is real) is not one of your usual sparring partners on this section. She does not need this from anyone. Please decide whether or not you wish to turn this thread into a typical Family Section brawl or decide if you want to behave like a decent person and take that brawl to any of the numerous threads opened specifically for that sort of wrangling (you know the usual posters, male and female whom you guys like to be exchanging "pleasantries" with). You can ignore this, but take a minute and think about what I've said. And I would say the same thing to any female poster who is also bringing her fight to this thread: go to your usual playgrounds and continue there. This lady needs genuine help, not nonsense. I will modify this comment if you choose to modify yours.

Thanks.

Why this?

I don't think I understand your post as everything I've written are the very same words I'd give my 'blood' sister if she finds herself in a similar situation.

Acidosis:


Why this?

I don't think I understand your post as everything I've written are the very same words I'd give my 'blood' sister if she finds herself in a similar situation.

Really? Deep down inside of you, that's the truth?

Very well then, ignore my comment. Apologies and take care of yourself.

Cheund:

We courted for 3 months before marriage, just graduated and had no job. I got a job before him and few weeks into my job, he was called back were he served and has been there ever since. Initially, I thought he is behaving this way because I earn more than him,so I gave him access to my account via my atm card.

Like I wrote earlier, he looks calm and we have been into this for almost 7 yrs.
This attitude of his is becoming worrisome for me cos is affecting everything about me. I tried letting the pains pass by but lately, it's not been easy.

Happiness inspires me and I tried making my home as happy and beautiful as much as I can. I have my flaws of course as a human.

I just served him breakfast whole heartedly but honestly my mouth is like sealed and my mind is busy thinking out how to go about all these.

My calmness seems to douse the situation as he is busy chatting and laughing with his mum. Note: I have never heard any problem with his mum even though we are not very close but we have a very warm relationship.

My dear sis please you have to leave him. How are you financially. If it's possible I would advise you to wait until your rent expires and move out shikena. Just be looking at him. If possible move into one of your kids room. Make sure he won't know where you move to. Make sure you take all your property and your car if possible. Do you know any army people

Onegai:


Really? Deep down inside of you, that's the truth?

Very well then, ignore my comment. Apologies and take care of yourself.

Please check again to be sure you haven't quoted the wrong person. What's it you find irritating about my post?

Cheund:


Courtship! I wasn't living with him during courtship and couldn't have known much about him. We were both working as corps members and only see each other after work and hang out on Saturdays. How could I have known much about him.

I am opting for separation for now, I pray God gives me enough Grace to work it out. I will be applying for my annual leave and stay far away with my children. I hope to work out something before my leave finished

Don't leave all your property for him abeg. Remember you will be left to fend for the kids after you leave him.

Cheund:

Pls nairaland family help me out. What should I do?

RESPECT YOURSELF or nobody else will.

I appreciate you all, all of the views and opinions. I am real, very real.
I was awake all night thinking what to do or who to talk to , I feel relieved I did open up.
To a world who need not see me to offer advice and help. I appreciate everyone here.

I feel in control of my state with the awe of warm suggestions trooping. I am noting all of the comments, you all rocks.

I have never gotten so focused in this state like I have been today, that you all for the family presence.

Marriage is good but not worth dying for, it's not the be it all either. Let's assume he doesn't attempt to strangle you, aren't you scared of STDs? Please live to watch your kids grow, there is no marriage in heaven. Besides separation isn't divorce, people can be separated for the rest of their lives and still keep the tag if it makes them look good.

Slaps and strangled, madam do you have a spare life? Am also a married man but my submission is that an abusive marriage is a dangerous marriage, an abusive man does not deserve a woman, he should get married to a goat. The choice to make is yours but I had a discussion with my wife of good numbers of years now that should advise her to leave the marriage if I turn abusive cos in my own opinion abusive men show disrespect to their wives and they don't repent.

Madam is not ready to leave, she wants fast and pray advise, she is okay with all the maltreatment as long as he comes home

Cheund:


Courtship! I wasn't living with him during courtship and couldn't have known much about him. We were both working as corps members and only see each other after work and hang out on Saturdays. How could I have known much about him.

I am opting for separation for now, I pray God gives me enough Grace to work it out. I will be applying for my annual leave and stay far away with my children. I hope to work out something before my leave finished

are you of the same age with him?

If all you put here is 70% true, here's my advise

First, get a SIM card and phone for yourself. Copy all your contacts into your new phone.

Install a tracker in your vehicles. He mustn't know about it.

Meanwhile gather his necessities when he's out.

When he goes out clubbing with one of your cars, immobilize the damn thing. By then his belongings should be packed, ready for you to hand it to him by the time he comes back.
Negotiate new terms of marriage from the fence and if possible, have it recorded or signed. So if he defaults, you can kick him out. NEVER open the gate for him to come in. Make sure all copies of your gate keys are in your custody to prevent his mum's interference.

On the domestic violence issue, tender a report to the Police beforehand. Have an officer's number on speed dial.

Not holding brief for you @OP, cause I know women can be very terrible if they want to. However, a man living under his wife's income and still forming Boss severely irritates me.

treasuredkids:
Hmmm!!!! I feel your pain sis. Be strong and dnt give up. Embrace a prayerfull approach and turn a blind eye to all he does henc4th. Its not going to be easy but for ur kids and ur sanity, u need to overlook his manifestations.

Does he strangle you too?

physical and emotional abuse? Not everything is meant to be endured.......

Mismanagement
Violence
Proud
Lack of respect

Only him?
God in heaven knows I can be a bread winner but won't tolerate a lazy man
We are not all equal, it could be me or him but mismanage our fund?
I will feed him with words, its not me being proud but its him not respecting himself
Then violence?
With my mouth that's got no brake?
And he doesn't listen to know one?

Woman
7 years of your life have lived it for him thinking it will work out
One day he sees your will and him as next of kin
That strangling will be the last one

I won't tell you to leave or stay o
But violence is the least thing you should endure


*I must commend you, a great wife with patience, idaya?
Motilo ojo tipe, strangle ke?

johnson232:

u sound really cool...
it means u saw those trait during courtship and still went ahead?
my worry is, human hardly change, his attitude wasnt because of your earnings, i think that is the way he is. but are u sure u didnt contribute to it one way or the other?
because am sure though he had issues during courtship, but he wasnt like this.
do u normally disrespect and mock him because u earn more than him?

If you don't find a way to blame her for it, you won't be happy.
Jeez.
You're sure because you know him?
What are you even doing here?

treasuredkids:
Hmmm!!!! I feel your pain sis. Be strong and dnt give up. Embrace a prayerfull approach and turn a blind eye to all he does henc4th. Its not going to be easy but for ur kids and ur sanity, u need to overlook his manifestations.

She should overlook the strangling because of her kids.

You better first get yourself out of that house before he strangles you to death one day. You are the breadwinner in that home so clearly you'll be financially okay on your own. Get yourself a lawyer to advise you on how to go about the separation process to make sure you get to take your kids with you. If he kills your enemy the chauvusitic society will still blame you. See one above saying maybe you offended him because to them a woman is always at fault anyway. His mother and father must also have offended him abi I'am sure he offends you too as all couples do yet you don't poison his food but someone is trying to justify strangling a human being

Get a lawyer and start the separation process. If he says he wants to reconcile after that list your conditions first of which one must be for him to see a qualified psychologist because clearly there is something wrong with him. Don't let any stupid tears and declaration of love move you o.

cococandy:

She should overlook the strangling because of her kids.

You will know those their husbands beat them na
I am sure this one is still praying and fasting
There's gonna be a miracle
We should support in prayers and fasting too

Oshisko

treasuredkids:
Hmmm!!!! I feel your pain sis. Be strong and dnt give up. Embrace a prayerfull approach and turn a blind eye to all he does henc4th. Its not going to be easy but for ur kids and ur sanity, u need to overlook his manifestations.

Turn a blind eye to strangulation and slaps it's time to start arresting those who contribute to people dying from domestic violence like you

Mamatee07:


Turn a blind eye to strangulation and slaps it's time to start arresting those who contribute to people dying from domestic violence like you

Na them Dem call "accessories to the crime".

Dyt:


You will know those their husbands beat them na
I am sure this one is still praying and fasting
There's gonna be a miracle
We should support in prayers and fasting too

Oshisko

Well I don't know about that. Her personal life is none of my concern.

But I dislike such subtle encouragement for people to sit still and wait to die for taking action.

Cheee sweety,You alone know the truth in all of this.
As always,I prefer both sides of the tale.

But this is one version.

Do you agree you have your own faults?

What do you do that warrants his strangling you?

A man cannot wake up from his bed,turn to his wife who is sleeping and start strangling her...no except if the man is deranged and needs psychiatric help.

Women like to talk and nag,you have mentioned you pay the bills,the cars belong to you...

Honey,I refuse to believe that he contributes nothing to the house.

If you nag at every little thing...men don't like it.
He is not a child and you don't correct the mistakes of a man who will soon become a "grandpa".

Mind your health,mind your kids and keep your job.

If you don't get appreciated today,your kids will appreciate you,invest your time,energy and prayer in your kids.

Do not go into physical confrontation with a man that will strangle you to death.

Do not react to anything he says because without your reaction,there will be no action from him.
Try it today.
By the way,I have kids same age as yours.
Let love and peace reign.