SPINSTERS, MARRIAGE & THE STIGMA

Basking in a little cerebration right now, I quickly remember the time I was much younger and used to give thanks I didn’t come to earth as a member of the fairer sex. At the time, even though I was utterly naïve, completely ignorant and immature, I had a certain strange and quiet inkling that being male was sort of an advantage, a hedge, a gift. I used to feel tender compassion for the opposite sex. Growing up further, I discovered the party I so pitied had numerous things to worry about, in contrast with the league I belong. I learned about menstruation, (shocked was I, knowing what it entails), the tedious process of having to carry a human, bodily, for several months, incessant visit to the salon for complex and compulsory hairdo, manicure & the likes, physical weakness (at that time, I thought girls lacked strength and wrestling skills and should be pitied for that), having to use additional underwear plus a whole lot more. I confirmed my afore-created notion that girls were a miserable lot. The fact that baby boys were more celebrated at birth, in our society, hardened my young ignorant mindset. I couldn’t thank God more, for causing that Y-Chromosome to have the upper hand, moments before I was conceived. This was the dark idea I bathed my thought processes in. Call me a young chauvinist and you are right. Some say ‘how ignorant, how shallow’. I know others will conclude ‘that’s a stupid thing to think’ and then I know a handful of the adults today, would second the thoughts of that kid up there. I am not unaware, that many adults (male and female alike) still have the idea that the girl child has many troubles. Debunking this ignorant shallow ideation, is a task for another day. At this point, I’m proud to proclaim, that the adult I have become today, silently wishes the X-Chromosome had rather triumphed, instead, moments before I was conceived. Yes. Please don’t tell anyone. Keep that a secret between us. In this generation, it is a perfect truism, that society still mounts all kinds of pressure on the fairer sex. Chivalry has been thrown to the wind, vulgarity has taken over, innocent single women are ubiquitously exploited, the knights in shiny armor have retired and the once ‘women-conservative’ courteous society has been replaced with a ‘disdain-towards-women’ loathsome society. It is of little wonder that, currently, a bill enacting gender equality is being seriously fought for, in the Nigerian senate. In this piece, I’d go ahead to address the particular negative notion towards young women that sets my teeth on edge the most- the idea that an unmarried young woman is incomplete, empty and in some kind of deep trouble.

A few weeks ago, a popular musician from South-West Nigeria had an online squabble with a renowned blogger and before anyone could say a word, this singer released a post on the social media, in which he ruthlessly attacked the blogger, insulted her personality, made tasteless remarks about her private body parts and ultimately concluded on her loneliness and misery simply because the blogger was still ‘single’; nothing more. It appeared, from careful scrutiny of that vapid write-up, that he intended the coup-de-grace, the final destructive highest scoring insult, to rest on the bloggers spinsterhood. I thought that that joke of a speech, was the most insanely idiotic thing I ever read with two eyes. What arrogant foolishness! Who, the dickens, started that crazy idea of concluding on a lady’s melancholy simply based on her ‘singleness’? Who invented the use of a husband as a measure of worth? From whence was that scale borne? From society I guess.

Society today, has several distorted and warped ideas which are harmful, retrogressive and totally repugnant to any form of development. Knowing full well, that some religious establishments and worship centers also contribute to strengthening this vile mentality, further deepens my disappointment. It is no longer news, that religious establishments often organize special prayers and deliverance sessions for single ladies. These ignorant and pathetic ladies are made to queue up in front of a congregation, while prayers go up for them. You’d hear things like spirit husbands, powers of their fathers’ houses chasing their husbands away, evil padlocks locking away their husbands, generational curses that prevent marriage and all forms of nasty inventions. I wonder why the men seem somewhat immune to these spiritual impediments, as the prayers and so-called deliverance sessions are hardly organized for the male folk- never have I seen a gathering where single men are pitied or prayed for, because of their bachelorhood. I suppose the men just sit back and enjoy the show, laughing their heads out in mockery and derision. I wish to affirm here, that this particular mistake (a sincere one I guess) by religious centers, contributes massively to the omnipresent jilting and divorce cases newly rife in the society. Until we quit seeing single ladies as people incomplete and in some kind of trouble, dysfunctional relationships will not cease and the bad men will not stop running roughshod on our ladies. Look at it this way; why would Tunji devote himself fully to his fiancée with the sincere willingness to work things out even in the bleakest times, when he holds that arrogant impression that hundreds of ladies in the choir are sad because they are without ‘something’ like him. He would inadvertently [perhaps unconsciously], blackmail Kemi into subservience-even slavery-and what more, Kemi will have little or no choice because she knows, that before Tunji, she is nothing close to indispensable. She’d stay in that relationship with below-par confidence, no matter how much Tunji consciously assures her of commitment. On the other hand, if the society and religious establishments stops looking down on single ladies as needy, our ladies will regain their self-confidence and sense of worth, and many folks like Tunji will start to understand the fact that they have to either fully respect and stay committed to one woman, or stay lovelorn, only God knows how long. Only then, will Kemi record noteworthy and genuine improvements in Tunji’s overall commitment level. At this point, I wish to state that the names employed above, were only randomly chosen and have no connection with any real individual or tribe. We’d all agree that this destructive attitude and teachings must stop. The society urgently needs to stop condescending to our single ladies because they are single.

As a fitting climax to this petition, I’d address the remaining portion to the reason I write- our single ladies themselves. This may sound rather clichéd, but trust me, you are complete, whole and perfect even without a husband. Do not listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. The fact that a number of men have walked out of romantic relationships with you, doesn’t make your life any dysfunctional. That you have been jilted several times is not a harbinger of a curse-laden life. You must find a way to relish in your own company and overflow with joy so much that you see a husband as one who needs you, not the other way, and this is not pride in disguise. It’s simply self-awareness. You must become so self-assured that you boldly wave goodbye to anyone who walks out of your life and immediately take things in your stride. I am aware that may oftentimes prove to be a very difficult task. Do it anyways. ‘Look to love, but if it should leave, then give it wings’ says Enya in ‘Hope has a place’. Getting a husband should never be a goal and getting married is not a destination, simply part of the journey.

Work on yourself, be an asset, solve problems, be kind-hearted, be pure-hearted, mix with a sincere heart, make friends quickly, attend celebrations and gatherings with your head lifted up high, be self-sufficient and self-assertive, contribute your own quota of goodness to the world and to every soul with whom you come into contact and a husband will come simply as a bonus, not a reward. Perhaps, he doesn’t, you still win- I don’t care. Do not attend churches, mosques, spiritual gatherings or seminars where you would be made to feel incomplete because you are single. They are simply hot air, liars who are out for their own pockets and must be ignored. Rebuke anyone who tries to bring you down or belittle you based on your singleness. Better-still, ignore them. Silence, as they always said, still remains the best reply to fools. Marriage in itself is never a requirement of life, is not a box to be ticked, strictly not a destination, should never be used as an instrument of blackmail, never be used to measure worth and must never be imposed on anyone.

Dear single ladies, you are good enough, a first class bona fide citizen-repudiate the stigma, debunk the notion, reject belittling molds, free yourself and make light your burden. If you ask me, I’d say there’s simply no burden.

By Olamide,
08138331480

Wetin dis one dey talk, see as you write full ground, u don baff??














Pls somebdy shuld read nd summariz for me

Too lazy to read...

Wash your face with acid water, open your eyes wide and read the first three words of the topic

Dandeson1:
Wetin dis one dey talk, see as you write full ground, u don baff??














Pls somebdy shuld read nd summariz for me

holamiday:
Wash your face with acid water, open your eyes wide and read the first three words of the topic

Op Go and baff

Nice write-up man, though I'm not with you on the marriage issue.
Marriage should be encouraged, it builds a peaceful society.

Marriage is not just about two (2) individuals.

I'm single and happy

Pressure who ?
Cos of men that most aint worthy

Know thy God first love him and he wud giv u a man after his heart

I'm single and happy

Pressure who ?
Cos of men that most aint worthy

Know thy God first love him and he wud giv u a man after his heart

halfricanadian:
I'm single and happy

Pressure who ?
Cos of men that most aint worthy

Know thy God first love him and he wud giv u a man after his heart

Hmmmmmmmmmm

PureWays:
Nice write-up man, though I'm not with you on the marriage issue.
Marriage should be encouraged, it builds a peaceful society.

Marriage is not just about two (2) individuals.

Of course i didn't discourage marriage. Marriage is a beautiful thing. I just wrote that to encourage single ladies who are pressured & worn out by society because of marriage. I know a handful.

kamel4real2015:
Hmmmmmmmmmm

Boss mi

halfricanadian:


Boss mi

where is your boss you don't like actor.

kamel4real2015:
where is your boss you don't like actor.

My boss is jesus the author and finisher of my faith

halfricanadian:


My boss is jesus the author and finisher of my faith

Anyhow

kamel4real2015:
Anyhow

How are u?

holamiday:
Of course i didn't discourage marriage. Marriage is a beautiful thing. I just wrote that to encourage single ladies who are pressured & worn out by society because of marriage. I know a handful.

halfricanadian:

How are u?

who is that don't no you still can say that.

kamel4real2015:
who is that don't no you still can say that.

boo its ok i kno its u ow are u?

halfricanadian:


boo its ok i kno its u ow are u?

huh oda be jare.

kamel4real2015:
huh oda be jare.

ok na