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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? (41615 Views)
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Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 3:32pm On Jun 16, 2017 |
Onegai:Aiit ma'am dat wld be nice... |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 3:40pm On Jun 16, 2017 |
Pidgin2:It's not really by asking questions, asking so many questions would only give you tailored answers, or answers that would be different when faced with real life scenarios...not always because the person changed but because marriage is an entirely different relationship. The best thing is to observe, some people are very cunning, so you have to be very discerning too. Observe how he/she reacts in extreme situations. Poor work-life balance has destroyed lots of homes. At first I used to nag, complain, threaten to prioritise my work too. I could have kept on nagging and he with his inability to apologise, but we didn't do that, we had to talk and look for a way around it. If not, we would probably have gotten to the verbal abuse stage, maybe physical abuse . Then you would consider it serious. Lack of communication, understanding, tolerance and patience is what makes issues serious in marriages. Considering that lots of people don't get to know each other well, and be friends _it isn't surprisingAbout the two links, when it comes to recurring physical abuse _ I always advise the victim to flee. 1. The signs were there and he/she was hoping for a change. Never marry someone with a trait you can't tolerate long-term (they don't change easily), sometimes you'll even think you can tolerate it, but under 2wks in marriage, you find out you can't. So, I will say never marry someone with abusive traits, we can work on some other minor ones, but abuse?? No. 2. It could have been a mistake . It's very possible to get really angry and give one slap, not justifiable but it happens. In this scenario, I would forgive and we would adopt better means of conflict resolution while he works on his self control. Couples should be diplomatic in handling marital issues or walk away when provoked. No questions asked would have stopped this, I doubt any sane man would look a woman in the eye and agree he beats women. It's left for that woman to observe keenly and if she sees signs of violence, she should remove herself from such relationship. He may not be abusive to her directly, but if he's the type to harass other road users, waiters at a bar, then it's very possible he can do same to his wife. 1 Like |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Incrizz(f): 3:57pm On Jun 16, 2017 |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 4:35pm On Jun 16, 2017 |
Incrizz:Okpolo eye no be open eyes ooo Am blushing here... thanks swt |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Katier00(f): 6:39pm On Jun 16, 2017 |
Daboomb:what a long epistle . I didn't Generalise, I said my previous marriage taught me bla bla. That man abused me in all ramification because I was not working. I begged for eventually everything because I don't earn. Yet he won't let me work. I will share my story some day here. It still hurts right here 4 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Katier00(f): 6:43pm On Jun 16, 2017 |
solid3:will share it soon dear |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Helentwitty: 12:26am On Jun 17, 2017 |
solid3:are u gay?? I regret not asking. |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Sterope(f): 6:27am On Jun 17, 2017 |
Benignasweety Why are you a tribal bigot? Whether Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa, Ibibio, Efik....No one is better than the other. If a Yoruba man causes you harm, he may just be a bad person who does the same to people around him. Same goes for other ethnic groups, it may have never been about your ethnic group. An as.shole will always be an as.shole. I can't see how tribe can preclude one from acting like a jackas? So far you havent mentioned how these afonja people mentioned your tribe when they treated you unfairly? Even if they did, don't they treat their kind Kirk that too? You also haven't asked Afonja people how they have been misled by other ethnic groups when they are at the market, have you? If you did you would have been told a lot stories and most of them would have ended it with the same illogical conclusion that you did....they would have blamed their ethnic group instead of pure human greed. With your intelligence, I can't believe you think Hausas don't lie. Please, when did Hausas stop being human? If they were so truthful, how come northern states are as underdeveloped as southern states? You don't see yourself as a bigot but you are a bigot. You are so easy to castigate God creations yet you keep praying to him. May he forgive you ma. |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Roseey0(f): 6:39am On Jun 17, 2017 |
Toks2008:And willing to share.... Very important |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Roseey0(f): 7:01am On Jun 17, 2017 |
Katier00: I can't believe that aspect that he abused you financially and still didn't allow you work. Either you just didn't want to work or You weren't matured enough to handle this. I am guessing you married a man far older than you and was never your friend. I use to be scared of being a house wife, because I saw many dependent unhappy house wives while growing up. I decided if I wasn't financially independent marriage wont cross my mind. In the quest to become independent, I built my doggedness, patience and perseverance. After marriage I had to relocate to join my hubby. I was so scared of becoming dependent on a man but then I married my Friend so it won't be that bad. I prayed a lot too before making that decision to finally settle down . I dont even need to ask, for him to see there is a need and money is disbursed asap to solve it. Having been independent myself I understand how burdensome it could be for another party to be cashing out on you for favourites. This restricts and guide my asking. I won't be a burden forever and he knows that. I understand things may go south with him too, he has a lot going on from his family end, so I am trying soo hard to leave the housewive status as soon as possible. Even if I asked all the questions in this world I would still never have asked towards this direction wen though we dated for 3years. Approach life per day basis 2 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Katier00(f): 8:17am On Jun 17, 2017 |
Roseey0: |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 11:14am On Jun 17, 2017 |
Sterope:Tribal bigot kwa? wia did dat one emit from? certainly not my diary. But come to think of it, Nigeria has made it seem d Northerners are honest people, Southerners liars, Easterners very greedy and then Westerners very wicked... Am not Hausa so U see, I dont even stand in for any so to say. Plz throw more light on how I castigate God's creations cuz I dont seem to get it... Thanks for calling me out but I need to be lectured more on why you so think am a tribal bigot. |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Sterope(f): 12:36pm On Jun 17, 2017 |
From your diary 1) Afonja is a derogatory term 2) Afonjas sha, I no support tribalism but tru tru Afo joro ndia njo well well) 3)Nepa yaff cut our lyt stupid Afonja people! only the Educated Afonjas have sense every others are just too wicked and tribalistic! Lyt wey we pay #4500 e remain just 2300 yet, they still cut d lyt, pulled the entire wire and rolled it inside our compound like say wey bin don dey get personal beef with them all because our Landlord is Igbo I doubt if you know the whole story. Your Landlord is not the first Igbo Landlord in Lagos or the first landlord in Nigeria. It is worrisome if you think they cut the light ecaue he was Igbo. You better ask that landlord to tell you the truth instead of putting the blame on others. 4) They left all their afonja compounds house! NO WAHALA!!!... Lemme see how any of dem Afonjas will enter our compound to fetch water when light no dey. How would you know? The Nepa I know don't leave houses that default whether Igbo, Hausa or Yoruba. When you default, they cut your light. If you reconnect without paying off your debt, they take away your wires. I have been insulted by Igbo women traders before but I never summed it up to tribe because anyone from any tribe will do the me to me. Have I been insulted by Yoruba women traders before? Yes, times without numbers. Igbo traders be misled me before but I didn't see the tribe because anyone from any tribe can do the same to me. And have I truly been misled by Yoruba traders before? Yes, it happens every time I go to the market without my two eyes. You can say you are not a bigot but indeed you are. Benignasweety: 6 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Daboomb: 8:28am On Jun 18, 2017 |
Katier00: Well, your problem, your headache. Make l face my lane jeejely before you begin vent on me. |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 8:46am On Jun 18, 2017 |
? Sterope:Wow...1st am wowed u re following my diary gratia ma/sir... But in your embolded, am sure you saw wia I said only d educated ones... I didnt jex specify dat itz an alround afonja thingy... Well dos Nepa pipo made it very obvious dey had a beef with us! We paid 5500 out of 7000 Nepa bill and dey still cut n rolled our wire in, normally itz not done like dat! Besides dia fellow Afonjaz leaving around, dey didnt disturb dem... I had to go ask one Iya ibeji how much she paid and mrs told me 3500naira! Why wasnt hers cut? Another granny afonja was jex telling dem if you enter my house ehnnnn and dey wia like Ekusheee ma, jex pay anytin and she gave dem only 1k for my koro koro eyes... Well, thanks to Seun Osewa Nairaland, I for noknw wetin Afonja mean o, na nairalanders spoil me sef... WE ARE ONE NIGERIA LETS LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY... Happy Sunday n dont forget to pray for me... 3 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Daboomb: 8:51am On Jun 18, 2017 |
Roseey0: Thank God for your hubby and more importantly, for WHO YOU ARE! Someone very intelligent and far more experienced, once told me that "We are a reflection of how our spouse treat us".. He explained that "Harsh words, bring forth ANGER in the person it is directed to, while Diplomatic and soothing words evoke LOVE". As you treat or talk to your spouse, will determine how he/she reacts towards you, eventually. Actions and Reactions are always EQUAL ......and act in OPPOSITE direction - Newton Law of Physics Anytime l see one spouse talking "bad" about their spouse, l always ask them the following questions: 1.) Was he/she doing all these bad things, when you just knew him/her? (let me stick with using "him", for simplicity). 2.) Was he exhibiting all these "bad actions" during the time you were courting him? 3.) If they keep answering "No" to the two questions above, l then ask: So, it was after you married him, that all these "bad behaviour" started? 4.) If they answered "YES" to this last one, l then conclude logically that "It means it is your person (which is the only different item now) living with him, that made him the Monster he has now become! You made him the Monster, you are responsible for his "bad behaviour"! Everyone should recall and think back: If your spouse was a bad person, you wont marry him/her (at least those that courted long enough, to preclude one party hiding their character!). It was because yoy found them so gorgeous, that you decided that "No one but You"! and married them. Now that you married him/her, the have become a Monster! Be honest and tell us the part you played, in turning your spouse to the Monster you are describing. But knowing we humans, we like to paint a rosy story of ourselves and absolve ourselves of any blame or responsibility. You only need to read what some people write (and imagine you are really talking to them in real life), to have a small peep into the "World of their character". A Fruit does not fall far from its Tree! Happy Sunday to everybody. 3 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Roseey0(f): 9:15am On Jun 18, 2017 |
Katier00 You need to step up and see life differently You have a child now You are the mother of a home You need to make decisions for your family. It doesn't matter how old you are or the age difference between your husband and you. You have to make him understand that you both are in this together. Now what if? God forbid o Something happens to your husband? How will you and you kid cope? You need to be firm It won't go down well at first but then when you take some steps and be bold about it,he will begin to see your differently. |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Daboomb: 9:15am On Jun 18, 2017 |
Benignasweety: First, l am surprised that you would take this 'tribal thing" to your real life! I am shocked that you actually would treat people, innocent strangers, based on the rubbish we write or do in politics section! To me, l think you are actually a very "tribal, wicked person", in real life. We all insult ourselves and call each other names, in the Politics section ( from IPAD, Afonja, Cone head, Igbo, e.t.c! you need to read some of my own abusive post! it is fire-for-fire ) but l wont expect any matured person to now carry that to the real world and begin to insult and discriminate against fellow Nigerians, based on what they do anonymously on a "yabis platform" like Nairaland. I was even expecting you will tell us that "You are not actually like that in real life" but treat everyone with respect and dignity they deserve. In the real world, l am blind to anyone's tribal affiliation and would treat them solely on how they present themselves, in their interaction with me thus, l have friends from virtually all the corners of Nigeria. Please, dont carry what you read or do on Social media, to real life otherwise, you will just become something else! A vexed and angry person. Now, as to your Landlord & Nepa: We all know that nepa staff are corrupt and what they need is just some "bribe". It "could be" that your Landlord has done "I too know" wit them (Like threatening to report them, doing gra-gra with them or even physically threatened to beat them, in the past! These are all conjectures, mind you) ..and this has soured the relationship between them such that they wont give his house a "second chance" like they would do the other houses. So, when your house owes a small amount like this, they are very eager to remove your cable. It so happens that you are Igbo and your Landlord is Igbo (Seems there is something in common between both of you!) It also happens that both of you are Bigoted to the core, otherwise, you should have approached one of the "Afonjas" and ask them to help you "sweet talk" the Nepa staff, even beg him (as long as he leaves your Power supply!) to not mind wetin Oga Landlord for don do am in the past. This is what we call DIPLOMACY! At the end of the day, you will have light, like that Iya Ibeji. But your bigoted mindset would not allow you to do "the needful", instead you will go about still re-enforcing your hatred towards others, Afonjas in particular. We all know Afonjas are top-notch, when it comes to DIPLOMACY and that is what the "some" Igbos seem to lack in a large dose. (Just look at how the Acting President douse the ND tension and spoke to everybody on a level ground) But that is why Igbos also call Afonjas. "Coward"! What an Afonja would achieve using Diplomacy, his Igbo brother is still standing there "vexing like mad" and not getting the same thing. If l were in a position to advice igbo brethren, l will tell them to learn Diplomacy. (But l am not!) That is the first step in winning any war, before even a single shot is fired. 3 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Incrizz(f): 11:35am On Jun 18, 2017 |
Benignasweety: Lol.. |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by byvan03: 1:12pm On Jun 18, 2017 |
We asked no questions ,i still don't know the questions we could have asked that would have made any difference . We have no issues stemming from lack of asked questions. So as far as am concerned, asking question from now till tomorrow changes nothing when your heart is set . Some couples are just like the 2 halves of an orange, they just fit without the modern day analysis and screening procedures . I don't know how it works these days ,if asking questions helps,by all means ask . Answers to your questions given before marriage doesn't guaranty solution to the anticipated problem area inside marriage. I still don't believe that following protocols pre marriage fix any perceived issues. We should use our observation skills, intuition and indirect evaluation as they will provide more valid answers than words of mouth from the suitor . Asking should be to validate what you already know about your suitor. 2 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 1:43pm On Jun 18, 2017 |
Daboomb:Dix one don weak me.... Iyam not like dat real life... satisfied 1 Like |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Sterope(f): 5:56pm On Jun 18, 2017 |
Uneducated or educated, Yoruba people are the same. 2) I just told you that the word ‘Afonja' is a rogatory name. It is not a nice name at all 3) Perhaps something had happened prior to that event. Either way, they were st.upid. Also, you didn't tell me you visited all the buildings on the street to find out if they cut their lines. If they did cut your line out of bigotry, it is their beewax. But I will suggest you not to take it to heart. I will pray for you Benignasweety: 1 Like |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by yvesboss(m): 8:18pm On Jun 18, 2017 |
Daboomb: two questions.. 1. Are you a marraige counsellor? 2. All these points stated above, did you get them from a research, project or observation? |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 8:51pm On Jun 18, 2017 |
Sterope:Lol... thanks dear... Btw are you an Afonja jex pulling your legs dont mind me o... How was today? |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Daboomb: 3:53am On Jun 19, 2017 |
yvesboss: 1.) I am not a marriage counsellor (why does everyone keep saying that? ) 2.) I am just speaking from my own 'mind/experience" in my journey of life. I am married and my marriage "is my experience". But all the information we need and want, is all around us, floating around as it were, we only need to be able to identify them and pluck them, so to say. I have not written anything special by the way. Well, just ignore me, sometimes e be like say l dey talk too much sef |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 4:46am On Jun 19, 2017 |
Benignasweety: I'm not Yoruba but all I'm reading in your post reeks of tribal sentiments, stop saying AFONJA! 4 Likes |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Daboomb: 6:47am On Jun 19, 2017 |
Pidgin2: Just leave her alone, some of these Bigots are irredeemable! She's already got her comeuppance! |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by kataleya(f): 9:50am On Jun 19, 2017 |
Benignasweety: Gbam! I wonder why they get married when they are not ready to let some habits go |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 10:44am On Jun 19, 2017 |
kataleya:Dats a question without an answer... My marriage jex ended officially dix mrning... |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 10:45am On Jun 19, 2017 |
Daboomb:Lolz, I have been redeemed o... I was never a bigot nahhh 1 Like |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Nobody: 12:22pm On Jun 19, 2017 |
Benignasweety:I am sorry dear, you will be fine, God got us, please reach out to me |
Re: What Is The One Thing You Regret Not Asking Your Spouse Before Marriage? by Daboomb: 2:34pm On Jun 20, 2017 |
Piiko: Seriously, leave God out of it joor. Nothing to be Sorry about, l am sure she is an adult who made an adult decision to end her own marriage. Both parties should go about and live their life to the fullest. I dont want to hear any pity-party stories. 2 Likes |
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