I am in a dificult situation and not sure what to do as both situations seem to bring a lifetime of hurt. My husband a few months back found out he has another baby from another woman, conceived in a period when wen our relationship was very rocky.

We have a daughter, but I don't know what to do, I love him but he wants to do his duty to the child but I don't think I can handle seeing or even hearing about this child in the future-knowledge of it is bad enough. Having our daughter was the most wonderful thing and I feel like he has just given that specialness to some other woman and robbed me of my joy as a mother.

If I leave I will mourn my love for him forever, but I cry every day and don't think I can watch him be father to another woman's child. I know there will be a pull to the child that could cause problems within our family and I worry that a) I will never cope with the fact he has another child and b) I will forever stay angry with him and ruin many people's lives. I know the child is innocent in all of this but I don't know what to do.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

What wuld u do if u discovered ds secret in 20yrs's time?Y dont you see this child as yours since u hv already started that the baby is innocent.You can even keep the child if u think or feel ur husband will still be in touch with the mother.Then allow her to pay visit once in awhile. Or the man pays into the baby's account.Don be too jealous cos it is not for you and most esp ur health.I can see this sis already cos hatred for the man u once loved with all ur heart.Thank God you discover now which will make u sit tight to plan the future of ur own children very well knowing very sure that there is already a child outside.
It may not be easy but just take heart and ask God the grace so that u can forgive ur husband.If u continue to dislike him,u may push him out and this might make him to do more.Then u will blame urself.
It is well and wishing you the very best in ur marriage.

your post had me thinking about what kind of "friendly" step mother you will turn out to be if you ever stay in this saga. i already do feel sorry for that poor kid.
anyway i hope you find a way to deal with the problem that your husband created.

imho having a rocky time is not a good enough reason for a spouse to go and fukc biatches without condoms. check your marriage (and yourself for diseases as well)

MRbrownJAY:

your post had me thinking about what kind of "friendly" step mother you will turn out to be if you ever stay in this saga.
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MrBrownJay, that is the exact reason I don't know how I can live with this. I adore children, and do feel sorry for the child but I dont think I could pretend to love this child or talk less of having her mother interject into our lives whenever she chooses. Thankfully the child is young and lives 300miles away, so I just pray her mother meet a someone else and leaves us alone-altho i know that would be painful for my husband to see another man as more of a 'dad' than he is. Irregardless many people will be hurt. In all honesty I could accept her into our family as OUR child, but her mother wouldnt let that happen understandibly

ayobobble:

MrBrownJay, that is the exact reason I don't know how I can live with this. I adore children, and do feel sorry for the child but I dont think I could pretend to love this child or talk less of having her mother interject into our lives whenever she chooses. Thankfully the child is young and lives 300miles away, so I just pray her mother meet a someone else and leaves us alone-altho i know that would be painful for my husband to see another man as more of a 'dad' than he is. Irregardless many people will be hurt. In all honesty I could accept her into our family as OUR child, but her mother wouldnt let that happen understandibly

i understand how you feel but you have to put all your emotion/pride aside and try to put yourself in your husband's shoes. how could you expect him to give that child up just like that? if you accept to forgive him then you should also let him have a relation with that kid. too many confused/lost children out there. she has a right to be with him and you cant/shouldnt deprive her of that right.

i suggest you tell your husband exactly how you feel and how this problem is of great concern to you. if you decide to stay with that man then let him know that you want to have no part in this childs life and, for HER sake, best he never leave you alone with her.
i am sure you can come to an understanding that she comes and stay with you when her father is around to take care of her.

weep not even though it must hurt real bad. Oh God, how it must hurt. Anyway as usual the nigerian masses always expect u to happily forgive and forget, love this child automatically, and be superwoman. They dont seem to understand the magnitude of the betrayal and the phases,highs and lows you need to go through before you heal. All i can say is take time to process. take all the time u need to cry and sulk. even if u decide to stay, things will never be the same. Work on your marriage. At least try. And oh. . . . p.s you are not obliged to take care of that child. You shouldnt have to pay for your husband's indiscretions.

i av neva been in that shoe but however i can imagine how u feel sincerely speaking but u just av to take heart pray to God to guide u take the child as yours may be in your home(though not easy) or let him be wit his mother but allow your husband to play his fatherly role the mistake has been done let him see how dissatisfaying u are

Well I don't know what to do to be honest I never want to see that child again and I certainly would never want her coming into our home. The pain of knowing that child exits for me is pain enough. It make me wish (of course I wdnt) I had another man' child so he would know the pain-he has said though when I put that to him )so he ould understand pain) he would leave me straight away. He wouldn't tolerate it but i am meant to have no choice but accept.

Until humans can turn back the hand of time and reverse things, we can only accept our past and choose not to allow them mar our future or draw our strength from the past and perish. Made meaning out of my proverb?

@Deluxecad, yes I can choose to let past go and move on and look forward to future or live in past and let it kill me, question is whether staying with my husband can ever let me move on and let past go, I fear I can't.

the deeds been done, u need to start seeing that child as ur own child, and take the baby in. dats if the mother will allow the baby stay with his father, and if not, then as a mother i shld expect you to encourage your husband to take responsibility for his child. A good mother to me is the one that cares/loves children whether they come from her or not.

It is not possible to take the child in a the mother wouldn't allow that and I couldn't bear that anyway, as my own child would end up surely without a mother with the heartbreak it would cause. I canot see her as our child as she is not. In our child I see us in her, in that child I would never see that only betrayal and pain. U expect too much i'm afraid I'd like to hear you say the same to a nigerian man to acept his wife's child from another man!!!

@POSTER: Considering d so much love u profess that u had or still have 4 ur husband, would u hav married him if u knew beforehand that he has a lovechild? If yes, accept d innocent child. Period. What can u undo now?

I would have married him if he had a child prior to the birth of our own child, but this is a child born within our marriage and which is younger than our own child, that is not quite as easy to explain to our child and family. He wants me to accept it whilst he lies to his family about its existence. I have told his family but they refuse its exitence saying the only child they accept is ours. I wanted another child but he said he wasn't ready yet-making us always use condoms-so imagine how i feel when he was ready to have another child with somebody else by not using condoms!