Thank you.

NoToPile:
Wow and wow

Life is truly unpredictable sha, followed this thread back then.

Sorry for your loss OP.

She had a medical condition which u knew of but you left regardless.

Now she is dead, I have no words for you.

Your type makes this already difficult world very difficult. That lady battled depression all tru, I feel for her.

Thank you.

CsRockefeller:
She had a medical condition which u knew of but you left regardless.

Now she is dead, I have no words for you.

Your type makes this already difficult world very difficult. That lady battled depression all tru, I feel for her.

Risingphoenix12:
Thank you.

I remember how you turned to a philosopher on top your divorce matter. My condolences.

This life is strange and mysterious.

CsRockefeller:
She had a medical condition which u knew of but you left regardless.

Now she is dead, I have no words for you.

Your type makes this already difficult world very difficult. That lady battled depression all tru, I feel for her.

You knew her offline?

Ishilove:

You knew her offline?

Not at all, just trying to put my self in her shoes.

A health condition and then, loosing your hubby to a divorce associated with it and being lonely, feeling dejected, not wanted, damn!! It's too much to take.

CsRockefeller:


Not at all, just trying to put my self in her shoes.

A health condition and then, loosing your hubby to a divorce associated with it and being lonely, feeling dejected, not wanted, damn!! It's too much to take.

Lol. Steady there, Dr Philemon. It was mutual and non-acrimonious. Besides, we do not know the dynamics of the union except what the OP told us so no tink am too far.

Ishilove:

Lol. Steady there, Dr Philemon. It was mutual and non-acrimonious. Besides, we do not know the dynamics of the union except what the OP told us so no tink am too far.

Hmmmmmmmm (Takes a deep breath)

It's well.

Thank you.

Indeed, i went to some emotional and psychological depths i didnt think i was capable of.

Just to comment on @csrockefeller's reaction, its totally understandable. I went through that phase as well - blaming myself, wishing there were things i could have done differently. However, just as you mentioned, it was not acrimonious. A couple of weeks before her passing, she had requested for me to help buy some things for her personal use, to which i obliged. We were quite cordial, and i would seriously doubt the depression angle but then i don't know everything.

Sometimes i superstituosly think the separation/divorce prepared me for this - although i know its my mind trying to fill mental gaps. Divorce is never a good thing, but sometimes its a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea.

All in all, life is really about choices.

Ishilove:

I remember how you turned to a philosopher on top your divorce matter. My condolences.

This life is strange and mysterious.

Risingphoenix12:
Thank you.

Indeed, i went to some emotional and psychological depths i didnt think i was capable of.

Just to comment on @csrockefeller's reaction, its totally understandable. I went through that phase as well - blaming myself, wishing there were things i could have done differently. However, just as you mentioned, it was not acrimonious. A couple of weeks before her passing, she had requested for me to help buy some things for her personal use, to which i obliged. We were quite cordial, and i would seriously doubt the depression angle but then i don't know everything.

Sometimes i superstituosly think the separation/divorce prepared me for this - although i know its my mind trying to fill mental gaps. Divorce is never a good thing, but sometimes its a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea.

All in all, life is really about choices.

Sorry about my outburst. Hearing of her death really pained me.

sassyangel1:


Everybody gat their own opinion. I guess he made a vow dt in SICKNESS ( u tot the sickness said on the altar is malaria or headache?). O, this generation of marraige jst wana eat ur cake and have it. That's y I doff my cap to my father who stood by my mother wen she was diagnosed wth cancer. He spent everything he had tillllll he became a broke ass. Even his BP catapulted higher Dan my mom buh he still stood, fed and bathed her till she died in his arms. I'v never ever seen my dad cry buh he crieddddd dt day, MY HARD HEARTED FATHER cried dt day(I'm even in tears as I type). My mom begged him to leave her alone dt she's causing pain to him buh my dad kept reassuring her sometimes, forcefully n stubbornly carrying her for her chemo. Nw, dts marraige. Even after 9 years, my old man has refused to remarry saying he can never find a woman like my mom.

You just shared the story of my dad and mum. She died 7 years ago. Lost her to cancer

[quote author=ibizgirl post=91070818]Sorry about this. Thank God your kids are adjusting

MUST YOU BE KILLED BEFORE YOU DIVORCE
& EXIT ABUSIVE MARRIAGE?

Abusive marriages are very common currently. It ranges from beating to treatment like a slave. A lot of guys, particularly in Africa, want to stay on in order not to be stigmatized as a "divorcee". But the question to be asked from such people is MUST YOU BE KILLED TO EXIT ABUSIVE MARRIAGE?
Remember some exited into the grave in some abusive marriages. In recent times there are reports in the media of husband that stabbed wife to death, the wife that machetes husband to death. The most disturbing part of it is the fact that such couples are professionals- Lawyers, Bankers, Accountants, Engineers! etc.

Some ignorantly allowed themselves to be killed as they are confused. They do not know what to do or action to take before it was late. There are bits of help if such a person opens up. There are religious organizations that counsel, there are Advocacy organizations that offer help, there are lawyers that help even pro bono and there will be some close and trusted relations that can give useful help.
The starting point of an abusive marriage is raising voice by your spouse when discussions, followed by raising his/her hands and it progresses to slapping and finally beating to death.

don't wait to be sent to an early grave before you borrow yourself senses. Click on this link for help https://g.co/kgs/uKc7h5

Really very sad news. May God comfort you and the kids. It's indeed been a journey.

And you quoted me because?

[quote author=Oratouch1 post=91094441][/quote]

.

Klass99:
@ Risingphoenix,

Sincere condolences for your loss. I like the fact that before she passed, you were both on good terms.

If you weren't, my guess is that the regrets would eat you up. Divorced people don't like to share their stories but it's nice that you did. I learned things from your experience.

I wish you well.

Sharing their stories do help a lot. It's therapeutic.


Wish the @op well and better fulfilled days in the future.
Condolences too.

@ Risingphoenix, since I started reading this thread today, I told myself, I must finish it.

I didn't expect her story to end the way it did. Death is inevitable. May she rest in peace.

Divorce isn't easy. She must be strong. When I have issues with my spouse, I hardly concentrate. We tell each other worse things but the anger doesn't last more than 24 hours.

Hmmmmmmmmm. Her health issues made every thing complicated. Sex would have bonded you both. Communication, friendship and God would have allowed you both sail through difficult moments.

People grief differently. My hubby doesn't express his emotions but we have gone through difficult moments. One thing that kept us going was NOT GIVING UP ON EACH OTHER. I have a medical condition too. I have been married for 10 years.

A piece of advice. Please don't marry someone that will maltreat your kids. If possible put them in a good boarding school or leave them with your family.

Your story hurts badly. Life must continue. May it always be well with us.

Please accept my condolence

.

@RisingPhoenix

You can lie to yourself all you want but the truth is you failed her, failed your children and yourself. You knew about her health condition and vowed before God and man to stick it up till death do you part. In the middle of it, you suddenly realize, this is more than you bargained for. You started desiring a different type of life. I can only imagine the pain she must have gone through. It is preferable to be single with health issues and be surrounded by loved ones than to be promised a lifetime of love and commitment and then abandoned in middle of it. You will know no peace and you created this journal because you were trying to find peace. You are very wicked!!!

You come here and say it was mutual. Before nko, what reasonable woman will force a man to stay when he already shows he wants to leave and unhappy with the marriage. The divorce ate her up and killed her faster than the medical condition could have.

I feel no atom of pity for you. I pity the woman who trusted you with her heart. I pray God forgives you your iniquity but never come here seeking a pity party. I pray you don’t raise those kids to be as heartless as you. Wicked soul

Klass99:
@ Risingphoenix,

Sincere condolences for your loss. I like the fact that before she passed, you were both on good terms.

If you weren't, my guess is that the regrets would eat you up. Divorced people don't like to share their stories but it's nice that you did. I learned things from your experience.

I wish you well.

He was in good terms with her to appeal to his conscience and nothing more.

I really dont understand those who are criticising the OP for leaving a marriage that was troubling for both him and his spouse. They both could have re-married other people and have much happier lives than staying with each other.

Does one have to keep holding on until one commits suicide?

My own parents still dont love each other even after three decades and I'm just glad they chose to divorce early on in their marriage because I don't even want to imagine how they would have been if they continued to live together.

wow! Such hard words .. Thankfully you are entitled to your opinions, which don't really have an impact in the larger scheme of things.

Contrary to your assertion, I do have my peace and my kids are growing just fine. I would have felt regret if we treated each other badly afterwards.

To be honest, no one needs nor desires your pity. The journal was actually created during the process to document my thoughts and also learn.

And lastly, placing curses? Pretty laughable.. But then, I choose to bless you in return. May God's favour and light continually shine on you. It is well with you. Shalom.

Sugargul:
@RisingPhoenix

You can lie to yourself all you want but the truth is you failed her, failed your children and yourself. You knew about her health condition and vowed before God and man to stick it up till death do you part. In the middle of it, you suddenly realize, this is more than you bargained for. You started desiring a different type of life. I can only imagine the pain she must have gone through. It is preferable to be single with health issues and be surrounded by loved ones than to be promised a lifetime of love and commitment and then abandoned in middle of it. You will know no peace and you created this journal because you were trying to find peace. You are very wicked!!!

You come here and say it was mutual. Before nko, what reasonable woman will force a man to stay when he already shows he wants to leave and unhappy with the marriage. The divorce ate her up and killed her faster than the medical condition could have.

I feel no atom of pity for you. I pity the woman who trusted you with her heart. I pray God forgives you your iniquity but never come here seeking a pity party. I pray you don’t raise those kids to be as heartless as you. Wicked soul

.

Risingphoenix12:
wow! Such hard words .. Thankfully you are entitled to your opinions, which don't really have an impact in the larger scheme of things.

Contrary to your assertion, I do have my peace and my kids are growing just fine. I would have felt regret if we treated each other badly afterwards.

To be honest, no one needs nor desires your pity. The journal was actually created during the process to document my thoughts and also learn.

And lastly, placing curses? Pretty laughable.. But then, I choose to bless you in return. May God's favour and light continually shine on you. It is well with you. Shalom.

Very mature response. People just come here to run their mouths because they think they know it all. How they even know "depression ate her up" is beyond me. Hian

Risingphoenix12:
wow! Such hard words .. Thankfully you are entitled to your opinions, which don't really have an impact in the larger scheme of things.

Contrary to your assertion, I do have my peace and my kids are growing just fine. I would have felt regret if we treated each other badly afterwards.

To be honest, no one needs nor desires your pity. The journal was actually created during the process to document my thoughts and also learn.

And lastly, placing curses? Pretty laughable.. But then, I choose to bless you in return. May God's favour and light continually shine on you. It is well with you. Shalom.

Gosh.
Go and mourn your ex wife in peace. U don't need this.

Also, bear in mind that it's not everybody that will support what u did.

Risingphoenix12:
Wow! How time flies. Reading through this journal just makes me realize that everything in life is transient. Mountains and Valleys, Ups and Downs etc. In all, one must remain thankful and always be positive.

Earlier this year (before the lockdown), I received a call in the wee hours of the morning. My children's mom (ex-wife) had a home accident, was taken to the hospital and had died. I jumped on the next available flight. I recall crying all the way from my apartment to the airport and on the plane. On one hand, it was such a personal loss - I ensured we remained cordial post-divorce. I had just attended our kids' christmas party at their school. I never reneged on my obligations and i always asked myself if i was doing right by her, which i always answered in the affirmative. So being informed of her demise was such a shock and a loss. On the other hand, i was thankful that i wasn't in the house when it happened, i can almost hear the stories and accusations flying... "pointing fingers at me". That would have just been another whirlwind.

Showing up was such a relief for my kids. That was (and still is) the most important thing on my mind. With wisdom (thank God), I was able to get the kids to travel back with me to my base, got them enrolled in a new school and also have family support in raising them. They seem so much happier. Everytime i look at them, i realize how blessed I am. We discuss about their mom once in a while and i just check to see if they are well adjusted (thankfully, they are). It has been one heck of a journey. I can just imagine if this had happened during the lockdown, I would have been a nervous wreck!

Life can sometimes take us through turns that we never expected, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to keep living, be positive and take it one step at a time. It is well.

even in her death all you could think of is yourself, a good hearted man would regret that he wasnt there to help her, but here you are glad you weren't there because of accusations, sorry you sound narcissist to me.

This update just brought tears to my eyes.. Indeed life is transient. May her soul find eternal rest...

What will be will be.. divorce or not.

Risingphoenix12 accept my condolence.. Please take good care of your children. You owe them everything beautiful!
May the good Lord give you the strength and resource to be a wonderful parent to them. Amen

havilla:
even in her death all you could think of is yourself, a good hearted man would regret that he wasnt there to help her, but here you are glad you weren't there because of accusations, sorry you sound narcissist to me.

When she was kidnapped they got him arrested so imagine what they would have done to him if she had died.
For one they would attempt to arrest him and if that fails post fake stories all over blogs and social media that will make him a leper to all employers and everybody on baseless claims. I have seen social media destroy many people just because one spouse couldn't let go of a bad marriage.

Recently a man lost his wife her friend heard that the woman's spleen was bursted she went on social media to claim her ex husband was an abuser and her father asked her to stay with the abuser.

If I didn't know the facts of the matter I may have judged this man too but there was no medical suggestion of abuse on the wife and interview from neighbours, friends and everybody showed there was no abuse.

I don't blame the op many bitter wicked people using social media to destroy others

May her soul RIP.

Some people are riled up because they think Op should have stayed even when she was unwell.

Truth is that people should try to do what's best for them..don't think because you will stay when your spouse is ill or because you made vows,your spouse is obligated to do the same.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4857885/

Studies have shown that there is an increased risk of divorce when wife is ill Vs husband,that is a fact of life.

Illness ,the burden of being a carer, arguments,neglect etc can be too much even for the best of us.

It's better to separate than remain in a situationship that is toxic,better to be happy than stay and resent the person.

At least Op said they were on good terms and he was doing his best..that's a lot more than most children get even when both parents are alive.

I hope the children are being closely catered to because they have faced 2 life changing events in a short space of time (divorce and death of a parent) which increase the risk of depression later on.

It's adviceable that they see someone(a professional) and speak about how they feel,children try to put up a brave face and may actually be breaking down when they're alone.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Klass99:


And you know this because.....?

Your outburst at the OP is out of place, very judgmental and typical of the Pharisees & Sadducees of old.

You were not there, you don't know the full story but yet here you are being a Pharisee, mentioning someone's iniquity, God's name and even talking about wicked souls and forgiveness.

I am seriously lol and smh. Between you and him, you actually sound more wicked than he does, with your Pharisee attitude.

Mean and pretentious people are usually quick to bring God's name into a matter, criticize/judge others unfairly and act like they've got no junk in their trunks, like you have demonstrated.

When you see people say “don’t judge “, “don’t criticize “, just know you hit them hard with the truth. Are you married? If you aren’t, I doubt you understand what it means to promise a lifetime of commitment. I will not come here and mince words just to sound “unpretentious “. I am a married woman and reading this thread made me shed tears because the poster is just plain ignorant and pple like you are here to kiss ass instead of speaking the truth. Would you leave your wife just because you can no longer stand her medical condition and have fallen out of love as a result? What happened to working on the marriage? What happened to the promise you made to God? This is what you get when one marries a man who has no fear of God. Keep supporting evil in the name of not being judgmental. You can also apply same to your marriage.

Risingphoenix12:
wow! Such hard words .. Thankfully you are entitled to your opinions, which don't really have an impact in the larger scheme of things.

Contrary to your assertion, I do have my peace and my kids are growing just fine. I would have felt regret if we treated each other badly afterwards.

To be honest, no one needs nor desires your pity. The journal was actually created during the process to document my thoughts and also learn.

And lastly, placing curses? Pretty laughable.. But then, I choose to bless you in return. May God's favour and light continually shine on you. It is well with you. Shalom.

Well articulated. Typical of....men like you. The truth will always be bitter. I don’t need your blessings. I am already blessed. The only thing that has saved your soul is the fact that she has now gone to rest. Divorce is a sin! Now that death has actually done you part, if you ever choose to remarry, draw close to God and use your head. You can’t be abusing the institution of marriage by marrying someone today and realizing you made an error tomorrow. Just because everyone does it these days and make excuses for it doesn’t make it right. Marriage is not for toddlers. It’s up to you to take it or not.

What's up with comments being unnecessarily aggressive and taking it personal? Is it your marriage? Is it your divorce? Do you know the OP? Haba!!