34 and I have never really been happy for a prolonged period of time. Transient happy times here and there, though.

I'm under immense pressure from family members and even distant relatives to basically be responsible for their upkeep. Pretty much everyone around me expects that I place them on some sort of monthly salary. Yes like every month I should send stipends to like 7 people from my paltry 200k salary. Dad lost his job in the mid 90s and has since never bothered to get another. His unemployment status didn't stop him from bringing into the world three more souls. Mum's got some health issues so hadn't been working. She was very hardworking before the health problems started, to be fair to her.

So now I'm basically responsible for my parents' and siblings' upkeep and have been at it since I graduated 10 years ago. Haven't done anything with my life, I don't have any savings, not married. Just stagnant. I'm not saying is wrong to help others but I just feel like the pressure on me is a little too much and it's not fair. I deserve to be happy but I don't see that happening. I fear I'll labor all my life just to make my family happy while I live in perpetual sadness and pressure.

No Hope.

from your write-ups, I think the constant demand is because you are not married yet. so your family feels you have no excuse not to spend on them. When you have a personal responsibility, u will notice every body will adjust.

onlyhandsome202:
from your write-ups, I think the constant demand is because you are not married yet. so your family feels you have no excuse not to spend on them. When you have a personal responsibility, u will notice every body will adjust.

Will be difficult to get married with no savings. Whenever I'm saving up money with the view to getting married, someone seems to always have one pressing issue or another that needs my attention. Rent, school fees, hospital bills. Kind of issues that I can't afford to turn a blind eye to.

Thanks for the reply, though.

You are heading for high BP If you don't slow down. If you drop dead today, they will still carry on. Family members always use those that are generous. It's high time you reevaluate your life. Encourage your younger siblings to start making money, no matter how small through menial jobs.
If you had savings, I would have advised you call a family meeting, give your father a lump sum (not in millions) and inform him to use it for a profitable business as you want to start planning for your family. Love yourself dude.

It's painful what you are currently experiencing, the truth is that there are lots of folks currently passing through this . Our culture structure is extended and hence all this issues . But you need to plan for yourself also,or is your family saying they won't survive if anything happens to you(heaven forbids ), you have come of age and need to plan for your future .

I would advise you start saving at least 50-100k of your salary on a monthly basis, you can do a direct debit with one of this investments houses and start plan.

And the best way to achieve this is to come up with a story to your folks that some of your colleagues were downsized and those whom were left, their salaries were slashed

Then have a target amount you can help your family with on a monthly basis and the rest for your self.

Hope this helps

Get creative and find ways to make them productive. I recommend The One Minute Manager Meets The Monkey and Victory Secrets Of Atila The Hun. Your ability to turn your given into a winning team will go a long way in determining how happy or sad you live out the rest of your life on earth. Lead your team out of poverty.

Quite uplifting to share this here and have you guys care enough to reply and proffer solutions.

I'll work on some points raised. Thanks all.

NoHoper:
Quite uplifting to share this here and have you guys care enough to reply and proffer solutions.

I'll work on some points raised. Thanks all.

Every month send 75k to a mutual funds, or some form of investment account. Do not leave your savings in any savings account, as you can not give out money that you don’t have.

Tell your family that you will only submit a fixed amount of money every month, and that they will have to manage it till the next months allowance comes in, and you better stick to it.

Family problems will destroy you if not careful.
If you were laid off today, what is your backup plan?
If you died today, won’t your family survive?

At your age you shouldn’t have siblings still in secondary school, ask all of them to go and find something doing to take care of their expenses.

You have made them complacent, because if you didn't exist how will they feed?

Marrying in your current condition will only make your wife their enemy, as they will assume she is ”eating” all your money. Please don't bring someone's daughter into this mess until you have sorted it out.

Give yourself brain.

You can have a savings with Sterling bank Asset management, you can save from 20-30k a month for a year or two, they will even give you interest, not as if there is a card that will tempt you to be withdrawing, discipline and no deduction for card maintenance etc your money will just be growing and when you want to take it out after a year or two you will be happy with your savings and interest



You have to let your family know you cannot afford to carry all their burdens do it now before you marry and they blame your wife

bro, learn to say No to some demands. budget what you feel will take care of your parents for the month, and dont be emotionally blackmailed to always give. you and I are age mates, am also single hoping to get married soon but am about completing building my house. guess what? nobody knows am building. by next year i will call and say i forgot to tell you guys i have built my house.hate or love my strategy thats what i feel will work for me. think about it. cheers.

start a side business to augment your salary.

Set priorities and learn to say no when what is demanded is not really necessary.

Start saving too. Buy some genuine plots of land, fence them and leave them to appreciate in value.


You may fall back on these in the future.

bro, you have become of age to have enough savings against tomorrow,one thing I will tell you about family is that if anything Should happen to you today, they will move on, before it's too late, plan your life because before u know it, this family member would have been living a better life and u will still be in the same place. Help your family but not at your own detriment.

Hmmmm...my dad used to say 10yrs and above difference in siblings ages means the parents are setting the older siblings up for untoward responsibilities especially if the parents are not buoyant. I feel you. 10yrs, yet none of your other siblings have caught up the rope pulling too? It is well.

Just look yourself in the mirror and decide how you want to look in another 6yrs! Yeah...you're almost saying hello to 40yrs! Your parents' mistake shouldn't be hereditary. Get out of this country biko. Yes, family is important but in the end, every man for himself while God remains for us all. Whew!

Buckle up bro and re-evaluate. Speaking from experience here. When everything goes south and your job is gone, this same family members will be the ones to mock you for lavishing your money. They won't admit you lavished it on them o.

This culture of " your money is everybody's money" is the main reason our continent is this behind in so many ways.

We are brought into the world to come labour and tend to those who brought us into the world including those that were brought into the world as we were.

It's simply retrogressive by every standard and measure.

Enjoy my siggy

@op, I feel your pain. That said, you would not be the first or last man to be in this type of situation you are in. You now need to sit down and look at your situation again. Moving ahead, as you earn 200K per month, split your salary into 4 places as follows:

50k – Savings (COMPULSORY)

50k – Yourself

50k – parent/siblings expenses

50k – Miscellaneous/feeding for household/rent and other expenses

If you carry on the way you are currently going, the resentment for the situation you are in will build up so much that anything anybody does will begin to annoy you or even irritate you to the extent that it can cause unnecessary quarrel. As you said, you are 34 and at this age, you need to have plans for yourself and try and sort yourself out before bringing a wife into the picture otherwise she will become very stressed due to the excessive external expenses you are handling; and if care is not taken, your family will assume that she is the one stopping you from catering for their needs financially. As already mentioned, DON'T BRING IN ANOTHER MAN'S DAUGHTER TO THIS DRAMA. All the best.

NoHoper:

I'm under immense pressure from family members and even distant relatives to basically be responsible for their upkeep. Pretty much everyone around me expects that I place them on some sort of monthly salary. Yes like every month I should send stipends to like 7 people from my paltry 200k salary.

So now I'm basically responsible for my parents' and siblings' upkeep and have been at it since I graduated 10 years ago. Haven't done anything with my life, I don't have any savings, not married. Just stagnant.

There are 2 painful points from your post, (1) the Fact that 10 yrs has been wasted, (2) Fact that they actually think 200k is a big income, 200k is $550.

If your siblings are not lazy, let them apply for Part time & work while schooling. If in high school, let them also work on weekends & learn any skill such as Sowing etc

emadamysy:
It's painful what you are currently experiencing, the truth is that there are lots of folks currently passing through this . Our culture structure is extended and hence all this issues .

I think this issue was discussed on NL sometime ago, I can't remember vividly. Most of our parents made the most stupidest decisions but they all want to make it seem like we are the ones with the problem.

NoHoper:

Will be difficult to get married with no savings. Whenever I'm saving up money with the view to getting married, someone seems to always have one pressing issue or another that needs my attention. Rent, school fees, hospital bills. Kind of issues that I can't afford to turn a blind eye to.

Thanks for the reply, though.

Sir don’t save money to get married. We women are snakes and liabilities. Why are you saving when we should also contribute to the marriage. Is it only for you or both of you guys?? Shine your eyes and use your head sir


As regards your issue, any of your siblings that is above 20, don’t give him any pocket money. And tell him you will pay a certain fee for his school fees and he or she can take care of the rest. You also have your life. Stand your ground


Unless you are a weak man

Take good care of ur mum and tell the rest to go and look for their own.

Carry them on your shoulder and not on your head. But as for carry, you have to bro, they especially your parents carried you once and your younger ones may one day carry you too. It hurts but that's a sad reality about we Africans and guess what, its our pride and a major source of envy of others. Average black and white old Americans in old people's homes envy their African counterparts who live in the comfort of their children's homes and have their grandkids run like ants around them.

MajorJeffery:
Carry them on your shoulder and not on your head. But as for carry, you have to bro, they especially your parents carried you once and your younger ones may one day carry you too. It hurts but that's a sad reality about we Africans and guess what, its our pride and a major source of envy of others. Average black and white old Americans in old people's homes envy their African counterparts who live in the comfort of their children's homes and have their grandkids run like ants around them.

You're a dimwit for reasoning this way.

Reasonabledoubt:


Every month send 75k to a mutual funds, or some form of investment account. Do not leave your savings in any savings account, as you can not give out money that you don’t have.

Tell your family that you will only submit a fixed amount of money every month, and that they will have to manage it till the next months allowance comes in, and you better stick to it.

Family problems will destroy you if not careful.
If you were laid off today, what is your backup plan?
If you died today, won’t your family survive?

At your age you shouldn’t have siblings still in secondary school, ask all of them to go and find something doing to take care of their expenses.

You have made them complacent, because if you didn't exist how will they feed?

Marrying in your current condition will only make your wife their enemy, as they will assume she is ”eating” all your money. Please don't bring someone's daughter into this mess until you have sorted it out.

Give yourself brain.

Direct Harsh and helpful advice all at once! I like this

You can't continue this way,Op.You need to plan for yourself.
As others have said,put money in an asset savings account that you can't reach.From the remaining money,keep some for yourself.
Send a fixed amount to your people to manage.

From time to time,look for job opportunities for them so they can start to earn an income too.
Take care of your mom's health.

MajorJeffery:
Carry them on your shoulder and not on your head. But as for carry, you have to bro, they especially your parents carried you once and your younger ones may one day carry you too. It hurts but that's a sad reality about we Africans and guess what, its our pride and a major source of envy of others. Average black and white old Americans in old people's homes envy their African counterparts who live in the comfort of their children's homes and have their grandkids run like ants around them.

Sir, if I continue this way they (my family) won't have me around for long. The whole situation is taking a physical and mental toll on me and if I don't do something about it I might just break down.

Can't continue like this.

NoHoper:

Sir, if I continue this way they (my family) won't have me around for too long. The whole situation is taking a physical and mental toll on me and if I don't do something about it I might just break down.

Can't continue like this.

34 + 26=60

Bro, start planning for that 60 yrs, a time when you won't have the strength and vigor of youth. It will approach faster than you think




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NoHoper:
34 and I have never really been happy for a prolonged period of time. Transient happy times here and there, though.

I'm under immense pressure from family members and even distant relatives to basically be responsible for their upkeep. Pretty much everyone around me expects that I place them on some sort of monthly salary. Yes like every month I should send stipends to like 7 people from my paltry 200k salary. Dad lost his job in the mid 90s and has since never bothered to get another. His unemployment status didn't stop him from bringing into the world three more souls. Mum's got some health issues so hadn't been working. She was very hardworking before the health problems started, to be fair to her.

So now I'm basically responsible for my parents' and siblings' upkeep and have been at it since I graduated 10 years ago. Haven't done anything with my life, I don't have any savings, not married. Just stagnant. I'm not saying is wrong to help others but I just feel like the pressure on me is a little too much and it's not fair. I deserve to be happy but I don't see that happening. I fear I'll labor all my life just to make my family happy while I live in perpetual sadness and pressure.

No Hope.

Op, am about same age as yours with a wife and two lovely kids,I have been in your shoes almost about the same time,since my nysc days,bro the earlier you realize the better for you,do the little you can do for whoever you want to do especially your parents,let them know your limits of being a free giver and then move on with your life,if you didn't trash it now,even when you will be married,it will continue and will birth more trouble in your home.

NoHoper:
34 and I have never really been happy for a prolonged period of time. Transient happy times here and there, though.

I'm under immense pressure from family members and even distant relatives to basically be responsible for their upkeep. Pretty much everyone around me expects that I place them on some sort of monthly salary. Yes like every month I should send stipends to like 7 people from my paltry 200k salary. Dad lost his job in the mid 90s and has since never bothered to get another. His unemployment status didn't stop him from bringing into the world three more souls. Mum's got some health issues so hadn't been working. She was very hardworking before the health problems started, to be fair to her.

So now I'm basically responsible for my parents' and siblings' upkeep and have been at it since I graduated 10 years ago. Haven't done anything with my life, I don't have any savings, not married. Just stagnant. I'm not saying is wrong to help others but I just feel like the pressure on me is a little too much and it's not fair. I deserve to be happy but I don't see that happening. I fear I'll labor all my life just to make my family happy while I live in perpetual sadness and pressure.

No Hope.

Are you the only one with a job who can help? What about your brother's and sisters isn't there any of them that is as well doing as you are? Why don't they help?

You can try lying to them by telling them you lost your job and don't have any money saved up then be pretending like you are not well financially.

Or tell your mother or father any one who is more responsible that they should decide on a small business that they want to start then give them seed money and tell them that from now on they should use the money from their business and not ask you again for money.

I felt like crying reading this. See how some parents subject their children to their own responsibilities. It ia really sad.

You need to take a drastic action to avoid regrets and depression soon.

Please do a savings with an insurance company that someone mentioned. Save 70k monthly for a particular period...maybe 2-5yrs.

Give your family probably 40k and nothing more. Tell them that your salary was slashed or that you are doing a compulsory savings scheme.

You have made your father complacent and your siblings very lazy. If they don't learn to fend for themselves, you will never achieve anything.

Pls do something ASAP and give us feedback

Whatever you will do from all the advice above please make sure it's BEFORE you get married so that they won't blame the lady. Thanks.

Mehn, these things are just getting worse for me.

So early this month I sent about 60k home, dropped 50k for ajo and the remaining for my upkeep and some bills.
Mom just called demanding for more money for her church stuffs. I told her I don't have money right now and she angrily hung up the phone. I called several times she refused to pick.

I am so confused right now...

NoHoper:
Mehn, these things are just getting worse for me.

So early this month I sent about 60k home, dropped 50k for ajo and the remaining for my upkeep and some bills.
Mom just called demanding for more money for her church stuffs. I told her I don't have money right now and she angrily hung up the phone. I called several times she refused to pick.

I am so confused right now...

Stop trying to call back. Ignore her calls for a few days, don't let anybody emotionally blackmail you, the church should be giving her money since she has no source of income instead of taking from you to give church. You need to put your foot down, this cannot go on, if you loose your job today and have no savings they will abuse and maltreat you