Dear NLers, I have a problem that I have been fighting with for  a month now. please I need your honest opinions and advice as I am really confused.

I am a Nigerian lady schooling in France in a troubled four-year relationship with an English man. He claims to love me very much but he is rather slow about making commitment. He is always planning our perfect marriage, our home, our kids and dreams, but they are only words as he really doesn´t do anything solid to move us forward.  We have SO MUCH in common and the good times were really good and we have a very strong connection. However, I think of him as unreliable as he is never really there for me. For instance, I had an operation but he didn´t come to France to see me from England and he claimed he was busy. He buys me a lot of gifts but he thinks that should take care of other problems we have, such as the absence of quality time for the relationship. In 6  months we have met just twice and he blames it all on work.

Due to anger and resentment, during recovery from the operation I joined an online dating site and I told my (ex-)boyfriend that things were over between us as I had had enough of his excuses over the years. He has refused to accept this, though. I met a really wonderful French man on this dating site 2 months ago and he treats me like a queen. he has introduced me to his entire family and has indicated that he wants me in his life forever and asap. We spent christmas together and he was simply adorable. The problem, however is that he is 16 years older than me. My ex was only 8 years older. This new man seems to be more reliable  but i can´t seem to ignore the age thing.

To make matters worse, all of a sudden my ex has now proposed and wants us to fix a wedding date and he is coming to France to discuss things early next month. He claims he simply can´t live without me and wants to marry as soon as possible. He even had his mother call me on christmas day! He claims he knows he has put it off for too long but that he is 100 per cent sure now that marriage to me is all he wants. My question now is, can I trust him to change and be more dedicated to the relationship? Seems he has taken too long to make up his mind already.

Should I choose my ex who is better looking and we have a history together or should I go on and be with this new man who I really think is more dependable and truly loves me?

I am sorry if I don´t seem very coherent but I am new to this site and I will answer questions to clarify things even more. Please help, I need your opinions!

The first guy sounds like bad news. A lot of good times cannot make up for the heartache in between his rarely inspired moments of attention. it's not like he lives in australia. if you ask me, someone or something else takes 1st place, and it aint you.

The second guy sounds adorable, but u might want to give it more time, to find out everything there is to know about him, and be absolutely sure that u would be taking the right step by marrying him. if he's waited this long a few more months wont kill him (i hope )

good luck

Me tinks d 1st guy is  doing all dis just 2 get u back. Wat is d guarantee dat he wont resume his habits if u decide 2 go back 2 him? And as 4 d gifts, u shud kno dat cant compensate 4 his absence.

^^^ abeg, i no talk say make she stick with the 2nd guy o! i only said she should give it time to find out everything she needs to make a decision; even someone in a hurry to marry could be a trap. time and prayer makes everything clearer.

You said you are currently schooling in france. Why don't you continue with that or are you studying men because it seems that you are more interested in studying men than you are with your own education. My friend, what would your parents say? Do you have one actually? Because if you have strict naija parents like mine, you won't be parading yourself on NL. Don't follow men. Look, time waits for no one. You better buckle up and get your education now then the next degree you can study can be men. Palava short. & Be a good girl.

Thanks, everybody.

@iceblue, the French guy has said that I can take my time and he is not in any hurry even though he says the past two months have given him a lot of time to know I am someone he can live with.

@adauche, for your information, my whole family knows and have met my ex and I am currently the second best student in my faculty. Thank God for that. Besides it´s not my 1st degree. I am not parading myself on NL as I obviously have no pic and I have a 3-week break from the university now. It´s not a crime to attend to my private life. That´s what the oyibos have over us: a christmas break is just that, a break. Thank you, anyway.

Well, each to their own eh'?

Adauche:

Well,  each to their own eh'?

I totally agree. I´m really not a kid and not dependent on daddy and mummy for anything. Please just offer advice if you have any. Thanks.

On a serious level, your parents have to come first in whatever you are doing because if you say that i shouldn't come up with all this 'mummy and daddy' stuff, that's all bullshit. It's a lie. What did i say, it's a LIE. I say this because if you marry one of these men, whose going to give the man their blessing? It's your parents. Look, i don't know you obviosuly but i am just giving my advice, the advice you are asking for. If you can't take constructive advice, then what's the actual point of coming on here and asking for it? I am trying to help you, not start a war. Good luck with your erm, life? & For future reference if you ever ask for advice, make sure you can take in different sort of opinions. Just giving you a heads up.

The sudden return of your ex is suspicious, I suggest you give the new guy more time. Age is just a number, so I dont think you should make that paramount in your decision making.

@Oge4real, thanks!!

Adauche:

You said you are currently schooling in france. Why don't you continue with that or are you studying men because it seems that you are more interested in studying men than you are with your own education. My friend, what would your parents say? Do you have one actually? Because if you have strict naija parents like mine, you won't be parading yourself on NL. Don't follow men. Look, time waits for no one. You better buckle up and get your education now then the next degree you can study can be men. Palava short. & Be a good girl.

@adauche, I don´t know how you are taking it. But what I meant is that I am funding my education myself as I am on a scholarship and I also work. I am not answerable to daddy and mummy education-wise. You brought my parents into the talk when you referred to my education. You even asked whether, indeed, I have parents. I ignored the rude tone of your reply for peace to reign.  As for their approving of my marriage, I have to present a man first of all, don´t i? I did thank you for your contribution already. Thanks again.

Well, good luck for the future but all i am saying is that i hope you'll kep your parents in mind in whatever decision you make but most importantly, God because men can come and go, but those two i mentioned (your parents and God) they'll never leave you. That's why they say 'look before you leap'. That's all i'm saying.

Age should be left out of this. You might want to give the new guy some time to get to know him better cos relationships are usually very sweet when new and it will seem like nothing can go wrong. And for you to have dated your (ex) bf for that long even in his 'unseriousness', u must have felt something strongly for him. Remember the saying of the devil you know being better than, Follow your heart cos i guess you know deep down within you whom you want. And please talk to God about it! Good luck in your decision and best wishes in your studies! Cheers!

Adauche:

You said you are currently schooling in france. Why don't you continue with that or are you studying men because it seems that you are more interested in studying men than you are with your own education. My friend, what would your parents say? Do you have one actually? Because if you have strict naija parents like mine, you won't be parading yourself on NL. Don't follow men. Look, time waits for no one. You better buckle up and get your education now then the next degree you can study can be men. Palava short. & Be a good girl.

I hardly ever curse at anyone but for you I'd gladly do it. I am telling you to shut your fu.ckin.g mouth! What the flying fuc.ke.ry are you on about you bloody hypocrite! So someone asking an honest question about something she isn't quite clear about is suddenly parading herself about and not focused on school? How bloody daft can one fu.cki.ng get with this sort of response? If your airhead self has nothing to offer then shut your MOUTH!
Come at me too. Stu.pid folks say chatting sh.it on the net just to make themselves feel better.

To me it looks as if ur love language is quality time. I want to believe you still love ur ex more than the newbie cos he is now part of you. The only issue u have wit him is distance and d attention he is not giving you which u are getting from the new guy.
Wots d plan of ur ex after getting married.Are u relocating to England or wot? Have u made any plan to go and see him in England? The rship shld not be one sided i shld say. The two times he has come to visit in 6 months, hw was ur staying together? Did you enjoy it and wish it continues for ever

I will advise u pray to God about the 2 of them.
I wish you d best

None of the two!
All you three are unreliable. You think someone you met online and hv known only for two months is someone to marry? pls do so at your own detriment. Your bf doesnt spend enof quality time with you to know each other well enof. Whats even your rush with marriage?
You are unreliable yourself. Cos of issues with your relationship, which you refuse to fix or quit, you joined an online dating forum. No matter the reason, if you are dating someone and you date someone else, it is cheating!
Take your time.

@nikkykay, thanks. Yes, both times were beautiful and we both found it very hard to say goodbye. He has said he would like me to relocate to England after I complete my studies. And you have indeed given me some points to think and pray about and to ask him when we meet in January. My problem is deciding if he is really ready to settle down and be dedicated.

@deniyor, I did not leave the relationship without working on it like you´re thinking. I tried all my possible best to make him see that we should meet more often, sacrifice more. What I have is a visa that enables me to move within Europe but not to the UK otherwise I would have visited him too. Believe me, I am not rushing but if a year after proposing to a girl a man is not doing anything towards making the marriage happen, she is right to doubt his interest. Meeting people online is nothing out of the ordinary, contrary to what you may believe. I did not cheat on him as I ended the relationship before joining the site. After four years of excuses and procrastinating. And I agree with you that two months is short for the new guy to propose and I told him so. I am used to long-term relationships and I like to take my time too. I don´t mean that I want to marry either of them tomorrow.

chika98:

I hardly ever curse at anyone but for you I'd gladly do it. I am telling you to shut your fu.ckin.g mouth! What the flying fuc.ke.ry are you on about you bloody hypocrite! So someone asking an honest question about something she isn't quite clear about is suddenly parading herself about and not focused on school? How bloody daft can one fu.cki.ng get with this sort of response? If your airhead self has nothing to offer then shut your MOUTH!
Come at me too. Stu.pid folks say chatting sh.it on the net just to make themselves feel better.

Excuse me, but why are you all up in my drill? I can see that you handle things by swearing. Wow! i can just imagine how you conduct your business. Anyway, i was talking to the poster not you and i have concluded my conversation with her and you have now decided to come and create trouble which isn't needed. So, why don't you get off your high horse and have a reality check on yourself. Not everything revolves around you. Some people can't even see that things have been settled and now they want to come and create something new for themselves. Being all 'bad' won't make you notorious. Chai!

[b]Excuse me, but why are you all up in my drill? I can see that you handle things by swearing. Wow! i can just imagine how you conduct your business. Anyway, i was talking to the poster not you and i have concluded my conversation with her and you have now decided to come and create trouble which isn't needed. So, why don't you get off your high horse and have a reality check on yourself. Not everything revolves around you. Some people can't even see that things have been settled and now they want to come and create something new for themselves. Being all 'bad' won't make you notorious. Chai![/b]


@ adauche I think u are such a troublesome fellow, if u are a lady i wonder who will marry you because u are saucy and lack manners. The poster even said thank u to you for your contribution you still kept raging at her like bull on heat. You need to grow up and be cautious about your contribution on nairaland, my advice to u.

And who made you King/Queen of Nairaland!? Seriously, so many people butting into things that don't concern them! Really, everything is settled so infact, i think you are the troublesome fellow bringing up a matter that has been already settled. & Happy New Year to you too!

Hmmmm please o, just positivity, please. Thanks y´all !

naijangel7:

I am a Nigerian lady schooling in France in a troubled four-year relationship with an English man. He claims to love me very much but he is rather slow about making commitment. He is always planning our perfect marriage, our home, our kids and dreams, but they are only words as he really doesn´t do anything solid to move us forward.  We have SO MUCH in common and the good times were really good and we have a very strong connection.

To make matters worse, all of a sudden my ex has now proposed and wants us to fix a wedding date and he is coming to France to discuss things early next month. He claims he simply can´t live without me and wants to marry as soon as possible. He even had his mother call me on christmas day! He claims he knows he has put it off for too long but that he is 100 per cent sure now that marriage to me is all he wants. My question now is, can I trust him to change and be more dedicated to the relationship? Seems he has taken too long to make up his mind already.

naijangel7:

@deniyor, I did not leave the relationship without working on it like you´re thinking. I tried all my possible best to make him see that we should meet more often, sacrifice more. What I have is a visa that enables me to move within Europe but not to the UK otherwise I would have visited him too. Believe me, I am not rushing but if a year after proposing to a girl a man is not doing anything towards making the marriage happen, she is right to doubt his interest. Meeting people online is nothing out of the ordinary, contrary to what you may believe. I did not cheat on him as I ended the relationship before joining the site. After four years of excuses and procrastinating. And I agree with you that two months is short for the new guy to propose and I told him so. I am used to long-term relationships and I like to take my time too. I don´t mean that I want to marry either of them tomorrow.

@OP, please help me with the seeming irregularities in the bolded parts. Did you ex propose to you over a year ago or just recently?

Akainzo:

@OP, please help me with the seeming irregularities in the bolded parts. Did you ex propose to you over a year ago or just recently?

He proposed a year ago, 14 months ago to be precise but didn´t act as serious as he´s acting now. For example, now he has bought a ring, has told his mum and all that. But I don´t know if he is ready to change or if it will turn out like the other time. You may notice that I said he enjoys talking about how our wedding would look, raising a family and all that but no progress.

Oyibo husbands, Are u telling me there are no Naija guys over there u can relate and engaged with? How can u be thinking of marrying a guy with such age gap. Honestly, I think u have been away from home for a long while. Pls relate with ur parents before taking decision.

@ Poster I don't know why You're here askin us dis kind question! Even if we(Nairalanders) present the best logical answer. Does it make it the best decision in the future?! If someone happens to tell you that both men ain't right 4you what are you goina do?!

The point is this:
I don't know why we humans neglect God so much!! We place no significance in a Supreme God who is more than willing to carry our burden, confusions, fruastrations etc. 4 us! Im not a pastor neither Im I trying to preach but the truth remains that HE's the only one that can tell who is right 4 now! cuz, logically speaking HE's d only 1 with d knowledge of d future! So, ask HIM!
Naijangel Pray! Ask Him to direct you, to make d best decision 4 you, in fact His Awesome will should be done in your life!

PRAY! PRAY!! PRAY!!!

That's your way out of this dilemma!

davedozz:

@ Poster I don't know why You're here askin us dis kind question! Even if we(Nairalanders) present the best logical answer. Does it make it the best decision in the future?! If someone happens to tell you that both men ain't right 4you what are you goina do?!

The point is this:
I don't know why we humans neglect God so much!! We place no significance in a Supreme God who is more than willing to carry our burden, confusions, fruastrations etc. 4 us! Im not a pastor neither Im I trying to preach but the truth remains that HE's the only one that can tell who is right 4 now! cuz, logically speaking HE's d only 1 with d knowledge of d future! So, ask HIM!
Naijangel Pray! Ask Him to direct you, to make d best decision 4 you, in fact His Awesome will should be done in your life!

PRAY! PRAY!! PRAY!!!



That's your way out of this dilemma!

*in total agreement*

1. Pray about it.

2. Subject the situation to the test of time.

(you ve waited all this while, so you can do more, by then the joker amongst them will be frustrated and shall take his leave)

Best of lover dearie.

Hmm very confusing though,I think u shud go 4 ur ex.Becos u his faults but this new guy u dnt knw yet and he might be worse than u ever expect.

Adauche:

Excuse me, but why are you all up in my drill? I can see that you handle things by swearing. Wow! i can just imagine how you conduct your business. Anyway, i was talking to the poster not you and i have concluded my conversation with her and you have now decided to come and create trouble which isn't needed. So, why don't you get off your high horse and have a reality check on yourself. Not everything revolves around you. Some people can't even see that things have been settled and now they want to come and create something new for themselves. Being all 'bad' won't make you notorious. Chai!

LOL all up in your drill? Yeah I am all up in your grill. Next time keep mute if you have nothing a little brilliant to say. Holier than thou my pretty feet!

davedozz:

@ Poster I don't know why You're here askin us dis kind question! Even if we(Nairalanders) present the best logical answer. Does it make it the best decision in the future?! If someone happens to tell you that both men ain't right 4you what are you goina do?!

The point is this:
I don't know why we humans neglect God so much!! We place no significance in a Supreme God who is more than willing to carry our burden, confusions, fruastrations etc. 4 us! Im not a pastor neither Im I trying to preach but the truth remains that HE's the only one that can tell who is right 4 now! cuz, logically speaking HE's d only 1 with d knowledge of d future! So, ask HIM!
Naijangel Pray! Ask Him to direct you, to make d best decision 4 you, in fact His Awesome will should be done in your life!

PRAY! PRAY!! PRAY!!!

That's your way out of this dilemma!

Wow this really got my attention lol. I believe God helps but sometimes people may have similar experiences or know other people in the same situation and can offer helpful advice, that´s why I´m asking you guys. Thanks for the prayer and the rebuke lol. I try to pray but the confusion still lingers, pray for me too

@Ficco, it´s not about oyibo guys o. I like Nigerian men but sometimes you can´t help who you fall for.

Thanks for replies, y´all

Here is the REAL solution: Leave both of them, come marry me. I'm single and available, LOL

Seriously, u should take ur time before making a decision. Having said that, i suggest u should give ex a 2nd chance,

chika98:

LOL all up in your drill? Yeah I am all up in your grill. Next time keep mute if you have nothing a little brilliant to say. Holier than thou my pretty feet!

When you have something SMART and MATURE to say let me know. Until then, don't waste my time.