hispinkolo:

Females can be very very cunning.
.
.
You are a newly wed,how long will wifey keep smiling at you being over friendly?
.
.
.
Is it not wise that if your spouse is not at ease with something,you let it go or at least reach an understanding that he/she is happy with?
.
.
When you are talking about a woman who understands you,are you also willing to understand if she has hordes of male friends that she's 'helping' and sending money to?Also chatting with on the phone for hours at a time?

She has stated that they are not even comfortable financially and he's busy playing father Xmas to females.It's a very painful thing to live with.
You say he's deleting his chats cos he doesn't want the wife's imagination to run wild..how are you sure? He's spending hours talking with them and sending cash they don't even have..
When we agree to share our lives with another person,it's expected that some attitude that go hand in hand with singledom should be dropped or adjusted so at least your spouse can be comfortable.

Nne calm down. You raised good points even though you were angry.
Yes, am newlywed, but we were able to trash most of these points before being wedded. Infact most of those "friends" where surprised at me getting married when I did. I practically disappeared from their cycle. And wifey did help me to see things from her angle. COMMUNICATION.
.
It took effort on both our parts to make it work. At a time during the courtship period, she lost TRUST in me, so I have to build it up again. How? By making sure that anytime am at home, wifey has my phone. So if you call, its most likely that you will be speaking with her first. (She is not an internet person). Gradually, the Trust came back.
.
Since she said that he checks on her (let me say monitor her), she should just mirror his habit. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. Chat with your friends both male and female, but make sure you delete those chats (I will add, copy the chats first). Make calls to some unknown numbers (it could be to your relations, but delete their contacts first from your phone) talk and laugh out loud. After the calls, just wear a satisfied look.
When mirroring his habits, make sure you hold your emotions to check. ( Nobody likes being ignored). When he sees that you are making effort to ignore him, I bet you he will want to TALK. Then, you can let him see reasons with you.
@hispinkolo, I didn't change overnight. Yes deep down I am still "the Counselor". But wifey knows all the story behind any "counselling" and she advices me accordingly.
NB
These are the matters that should have been trashed out during courtship.

@ goodheart4God - once you have convinced yourself he is not having affairs with these women, which to me is really why I would be bothered about these relationships, then pls make yourself happy. Do things that make you happy and ignore this aspect of him. If deleting chats is not you and brings you no joy, then don't, if it gives you satisfaction(it would surely give me some good satisfaction) then go ahead and do it. In essence, I am asking you to take charge of your happiness and don't let his actions dictate your mood. And try not to bother about how much he is giving out, getting your own job and earning your pay would help a great deal in doing achieving this.

I know a lot of what I have written is easier said than done but hey, you've talked, begged, cried and all has not helped so take some time off and face yourself.

@Abali1,
Pardon me for being so angry.It just upsets me when someone is going through so much pain for no reason.
She has tried everything yet none has worked.
You should have put down your true story naww just the way you just explained cos it just looked as if you excused the bobo.
Forgive me o!
Happy Married Life,you sound like a great guy.
Cheers!

Phema,
Please write your own
I'm sure it's wicked.

@hispinkolo yea I was working before I lost the job. I am still looking out for another one. I don't slack sometimes in being fashionable though I might not be that crazy in fashion.

Yea am doing a lot that is keeping me busy. If not I would have lost my mind. My motto is so far you are married to this man. Idleness isn't your portion. If idleness is your portion you might die of depression.

Thanks girl, I feel better talking to you guys.

goodheart4God:
@hispinkolo yea I was working before I lost the job. I am still looking out for another one. I don't slack sometimes in being fashionable though I might not be that crazy in fashion.

Yea am doing a lot that is keeping me busy. If not I would have lost my mind. My motto is so far you are married to this man. Idleness isn't your portion. If idleness is your portion you might die of depression.

Thanks girl, I feel better talking to you guys.

We are always here for you.
I hope you get another job ASAP,it will help to keep you occupied.
Look into what Kimoni wrote on focusing on yourself and taking charge of your happiness
Hope things get better for you dear,
Cheers!

goodheart4God:

I have actually chatted with my female friends and deleted. My dear all hell was let loose. Why must you delete it. What are you deleting it?

Like you say, when he complains I simply reply that I am learning from the master. After all, I am a good follower na. But most times I don't really enjoy pay back, but sometimes I like it when I have been on my phone all evening. And you drop your phone only to see him scrambling to read all your chats. And if he is sure you have deleted. You get to be asked who were you chatting with that you have cleared it now. Don't forget that 4 years long the line. He will be always make references to the chat you cleared. To show you that he was greatly pained. Yet stop doing to me na. Mbanu.

When he got angry about you deleting those chats, was the best time to kicking COMMUNICATION.
I have used the mirror image severally to get results. But it was only my wife that has used it on me. She used both the Mirror image and the ignore tactics. Now I have also learnt to use the ignore tactics.
I can't over emphasize Communication. After he must have been angry and all, then you calmly explain to him that the same way he felt being at loss about the chats you deleted, is the Same way you always feel when he can't tell you what he is doing. And that if he continues that you will be left with little choice than to get your happiness from "Friends" also.

hispinkolo:


Haaaaaa!! You tried red eye approach and it didn't work?
Nawa ya OOO,your hubby na strong man!
I hope someone comes up with something you haven't tried before cos this one don pass me
Sorry dear,I'm happy you can even smile in the midst of all these.

I have tried and it works small but he will simply pull back knowing that you want to make him jealous. Sha I know sometimes it gets to him. That is when you see him complaining of the floor, the dusty window or why the food is taking longer to be saved.

Me just feel he is the kind of man that wants to have it all. Enjoy the things that comes with singlehood and still want to have the best of marriage.

@zemaye thank you. Yea I have actually concluded on some things. Just for my inner peace. Abi is it not the best way to live long? Just that sometimes it gets to me like now. But all in all over the years, I have learnt to overlook. But you know that greedy part of life na. Girl you could have had a better man. A man that will forsake all others and be with you. But we all know sometimes life doesn't turn out to be the way we planned.

Kimoni:
@ goodheart4God - once you have convinced yourself he is not having affairs with these women, which to me is really why I would be bothered about these relationships, then pls make yourself happy. Do things that make you happy and ignore this aspect of him. If deleting chats is not you and brings you no joy, then don't, if it gives you satisfaction(it would surely give me some good satisfaction) then go ahead and do it. In essence, I am asking you to take charge of your happiness and don't let his actions dictate your mood. And try not to bother about how much he is giving out, getting your own job and earning your pay would help a great deal in doing achieving this.

I know a lot of what I have written is easier said than done but hey, you've talked, begged, cried and all has not helped so take some time off and face yourself.

Well I try to give him that benefit of doubt o but my sweet it is only God that knows the heart of a man. I had started taking charge of my happiness for some time now. Knowing he isnt capable of making me happy as he has chosen to be there for every woman. I don't even bother how much he gives out again. Just praying every day for God to give me another job. Yes as you have sometimes it is easy to say but not easy to practise that is why I still get to feel like this sometimes. But kudos to myself, I am much better than those years. Now can I see when can we meet text from one of the ladies and I ignore it. Just pretend I didn't see it.

hispinkolo:
Goodheart4God,
I strongly suggest you follow CCs method,that's a much wiser approach.B4 u follow my fire n end up in a blazing furnace

LOL at burning furnace Sis your advise is good and you may not know this, but I have learnt quite a few things from you.

In reality Some things work for some people and some things dont. Some men need to be TOLD, some need to be ASKED and some just need to be IGNORED so the poster may need to mix and match some advise to suit her own situation.

If only you know how difficult it is for some people to close pot of soup or rice when they finish dishing, yet they refuse to let you dish their food. . . ive Told, Asked and am on Ignoring phase now.

jaybee3:
@Ladychaircover

Sir Jaybee

Abali1:


Nne calm down. You raised good points even though you were angry.
Yes, am newlywed, but we were able to trash most of these points before being wedded. Infact most of those "friends" where surprised at me getting married when I did. I practically disappeared from their cycle. And wifey did help me to see things from her angle. COMMUNICATION.
.
It took effort on both our parts to make it work. At a time during the courtship period, she lost TRUST in me, so I have to build it up again. How? By making sure that anytime am at home, wifey has my phone. So if you call, its most likely that you will be speaking with her first. (She is not an internet person). Gradually, the Trust came back.
.
Since she said that he checks on her (let me say monitor her), she should just mirror his habit. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. Chat with your friends both male and female, but make sure you delete those chats (I will add, copy the chats first). Make calls to some unknown numbers (it could be to your relations, but delete their contacts first from your phone) talk and laugh out loud. After the calls, just wear a satisfied look.
When mirroring his habits, make sure you hold your emotions to check. ( Nobody likes being ignored). When he sees that you are making effort to ignore him, I bet you he will want to TALK. Then, you can let him see reasons with you.
@hispinkolo, I didn't change overnight. Yes deep down I am still "the Counselor". But wifey knows all the story behind any "counselling" and she advices me accordingly.
NB
These are the matters that should have been trashed out during courtship.

Happy married life. Thank God that after the years of your search for someone with different genotype, it finally paid off. I am so happy for you.

You have actually tried in building that trust back it shows you are a sensible man that wants the best for your woman. My hubby will not give you his phone to browse or hold. After all what do u need his phone for? You have a phone na. And there are other tabs in the house na.

Yes I have used that reverse psychology on him and I have used it to discuss but he will always turn it on you that want to drag position with him. I don't know where being a man gives you the audacity to hurt my feelings when you can't stand being hurt by a woman. For me now. I dey find friends too o. Maybe it will help from detaching myself from him.

@Chaircover
Thank you Ma.
Your posts have helped me a lot o!I can never ever forget the 'listening ear' one.That one touched my medulla oblangata.
I try to remember it when the devil starts pricking me with his pitchfork

This thread is so beautiful cos there's so much support and love,no judgement at all.
Thanks to people who have contributed in one way or the other and are still contributing.
May our lives continue to be beautiful

chaircover:


LOL at burning furnace Sis your advise is good and you may not know this, but I have learnt quite a few things from you.

In reality Some things work for some people and some things dont. Some men need to be TOLD, some need to be ASKED and some just need to be IGNORED so the poster may need to mix and match some advise to suit her own situation.

If only you know how difficult it is for some people to close pot of soup or rice when they finish dishing, yet they refuse to let you dish their food. . . ive Told, Asked and am on Ignoring phase now.

Madam CC you are right. Different people with different habits. I guessed sometimes that ignoring mood is the best for some people. Thank you ma for your advise I really appreciate.

@hispinkolo madam CC is just like a big aunty to some of us small girls in marriage. When someone comes to post something, I actually hang around to check for the advise she ll give. She is blessed and we are happy to have her. I am more of a silent reader that hardly contribute. But I have learnt a lot from her.

GoodheartforGod please lets talk
I took interest in your issue becasue In a way I Understand where you are coming from
My husband is a people person too and He is the only one in the world who I have met whose phone address memory became full
Sometimes I actually feel sorry for him, cos he is pulled left and right, up and down.

Sometimes I feel that kilode gan, they should all leave this man alone jare. But I see the joy it gives him. I see the content on his face when he has spoken to another waring couple and they have decided to give it another go. I know how happy he is when a situation that looked not doable suddenly becomes done after he has got involved.

Will some people both male and female try and play fast ones? Yes they will, but he will just have to learn from it. I also beleive and I trust in his judgement and integrity.

When he does talk about things, I listen, even if I am not that interested in that person, because I want him to know that he can talk to me and confide in me about anything.
From time to time I also drop advise. Sometimes he will say he wasnt even thinking along those lines and he shifts base, but what I am saying is that the guy needs to be able to feel comfortable enough with you to be able to see your advise as genuine and not think becasue you are jealous or just want to shut down his friendships and control him.

dont get me wrong; its easier said than done especially when the opposite sex is involved and some people clearly just dont know how to respect other peoples marriages which is just too bad, but this is the man that you married and this is somethng that you are both just going to have to compromise on. I dont want you getting down over this issue.

Phema:


@bolded; Now, that is one mentality I can not stand. So, somethings are wrong when a woman does them, but are not when it's a man ekwa?

And by the way, how come it's mostly women he helps? Are there not guys/men that need emotional, psychological and financial support? Abeg, truth be told, this one pass "kindness".

Unfortunately, I no get better advice. The small one wey I get fit break home. So follow CC's advice. E go hard for me to follow sha

Sweetie how body na. Thank you jare. I don't tolerate such man ego talk o. I might just keep quiet for the sake of peace. But if I see that you don't like that peace, I will state my mind and tell you how it is. After all if you wanted a woman that will say yes sir to everything you say. There were village girls but so far you ended up with educated woman that knows her left from right. You can't always have your way.

The only reason am keeping quiet about this one sometimes is for my inner peace. But when I have the time to lecture him about how marriage to me is a partnership and mutual respect. After all being a man should even give you immunity to pains na.

Abeg dearie bring the advise o.

Phema him dey help guys too. But not as the frequency of helping girls. Woman matter him dey find man and woman inequality, but when it comes to my money na that time my hubby dey know say woman and man na equal o. Chai chai chai.

goodheart4God:

Madam CC you are right. Different people with different habits. I guessed sometimes that ignoring mood is the best for some people. Thank you ma for your advise I really appreciate.

@hispinkolo madam CC is just like a big aunty to some of us small girls in marriage. When someone comes to post something, I actually hang around to check for the advise she ll give. She is blessed and we are happy to have her. I am more of a silent reader that hardly contribute. But I have learnt a lot from her.

LOL if only you know how much I dislike the madam thing
I prefer sisi CC

goodheart4God:

Sweetie how body na. Thank you jare. I don't tolerate such man ego talk o. I might just keep quiet for the sake of peace. But if I see that you don't like that peace, I will state my mind and tell you how it is. After all if you wanted a woman that will say yes sir to everything you say. There were village girls but so far you ended up with educated woman that knows her left from right. You can't always have your way.

The only reason am keeping quiet about this one sometimes is for my inner peace. But when I have the time to lecture him about how marriage to me is a partnership and mutual respect. After all being a man should even give you immunity to pains na.

Abeg dearie bring the advise o.

Phema him dey help guys too. But not as the frequency of helping girls. Woman matter him dey find man and woman inequality, but when it comes to my money na that time my hubby dey know say woman and man na equal o. Chai chai chai.

Where is he meeting these women? and what kinds of financial help is he rendering
Maybe its time to start diverting those extra funds
Does he have a project that he is working on?
Maybe its time to start one.

Lol at ignoring mode CC
Marriage with its wahala everyday .

I actually entered shouting and screaming mode some weeks back and it paid off.
(Abegi o, study ur spouse b4 u embark on any)
I hv this gentle bt very stubborn hubby.
I guess it runs in their family.
Heck!
I have a very shrill and piercing voice and he dont like outsiders knowing what happens in our house so i resorted to screaming(na hard work o) and it worked perfectly well.

Infact all yes provided i dont shout
Ive stopped anyway but will not hestitate to start screaming again if he(them)start misbehaving again.

I hv a house filled with adult males and im d only woman in d house.
Very stubborn folks.

Try and learn ur spouse's temperament and work with it.
I believe everybody can be tamed if u apply d right tactics.

Goodluck all.

chaircover:

Sir Jaybee

Sisi-Sia-cover

jaybee3:

Sisi-Sia-cover

chaircover:
GoodheartforGod

what I am saying is that the guy needs to be able to feel comfortable enough with you to be able to see your advise as genuine and not think becasue you are jealous or just want to shut down his friendships and control him.

Chai!!! This is experience talking. Goodheart4God, pay attention to this.

chaircover:

I'm bored...
I need counselling

jaybee3:

I'm bored...
I need counselling

You need to IGNORE your boredom

Instead of you to drop advise you are causing trouble
We always like to hear from mens points of view but most of you dont want to say anything and then expect us ladies to be mind readers.

Anyway direct question to you; from a mans poinf og view what should goodheart4God do please.

chaircover:


You need to IGNORE your boredom

I'm hungry... I need suggestions

jaybee3:

I'm hungry... I need suggestions

Dundu and Akara for lunch is not bad

Sisi Chaircover .
Please can you be differentiating what to do between sensitive good husbands who are misbehaving and end time ones?

May I also draw your attention to her post which says he funds Brazilian hair for d babes,and she has also seen text of where do we meet?

They are also not financially buoyant at the moment.I need to know if it's possible to keep communicating when its getting you nowhere.Red eye treatment too only worked for a bit and she relented cos he started getting on her case and harassing her.


Tanks

Subscribing o. See correct gist thread

goodheart4God:


He was like this when we were dating but people kept saying that he will change when we are married. During marriage now, he has become discreet about it. No one should even suggest communication cos I have done my best but he seems to think that I want to control him. So I am not talking about it again but I am dying in silence.

You weren't comfortable with his ways while dating but decided to accept and accommodate his shortcomings with the hope that one day he might change.
It's hard to tell if his relationship with these women would manifest into undesired outcomes but the fact that can't be denied is how it's making you feel.

The only way forward is constant communication of how his actions and/or inaction are affecting you and the relationship.

Good luck

hispinkolo:
Sisi Chaircover .
Please can you be differentiating what to do between sensitive good husbands who are misbehaving and end time ones?

May I also draw your attention to her post which says he funds Brazilian hair for d babes,and she has also seen text of where do we meet?

They are also not financially buoyant at the moment.I need to know if it's possible to keep communicating when its getting you nowhere.Red eye treatment too only worked for a bit and she relented cos he started getting on her case and harassing her.


Tanks

LOL sisi ni o
I read the bit about brazillian
I also assume that he also sends money to other people who need genuine assistance too; not because they are women but because he just genuingly wants to help.
I didnt see the bit about where do we meet
I am a little insomiac at the minute and tend to sometimes scan through posts and threads

if he is having affiars with these women, then it is a different ball game altogether, but I somehow didnt "grab" the poster saying this.
Please correct me if I am wrong.

I read him to be someone who has inapproriate "relationships" with the other sex, and he needs to be careful, but I dont think that at the stage they are it can be forced out of him, it may be easier all round if its coaxed out of him. He has been doing this from before they are married. its not a new hobby/habit. It will take that bit longer to get rid of it.

chaircover:


Dundu and Akara for lunch is not bad

Yes oooo

chaircover:


LOL if only you know how much I dislike the madam thing
I prefer sisi CC

Never mind. I like the madam

chaircover:

Where is he meeting these women? and what kinds of financial help is he rendering
Maybe its time to start diverting those extra funds
Does he have a project that he is working on?
Maybe its time to start one.

chaircover:

Where is he meeting these women? and what kinds of financial help is he rendering
Maybe its time to start diverting those extra funds
Does he have a project that he is working on?
Maybe its time to start one.

Sisi CC honestly he can meet this women anywhere. Colleagues, neighbors, eatery, etc. I mean anywhere. A girl can just give him bull and crap stories and he will fall for it. Abi that is what I guess. CC how will I start diverting the money that I don't have access to. His money is already planned for and you can't just convince him sometimes to do something without him reminding you that what he has it isn't enough. Most of his money goes on helping whether siblings, extended family or otherwise.

@jaybee
We are always happy to have male posters.I'm happier when they write epistles

@Sisi Chaircover,
I believe I saw the where can we meet in one of her posts,or maybe im imagining things.
If he likes giving,that's fantastic but his own is to give for nonsense reasons..How can someone be taking money from my Dh to fix human hair when I'm fixing darling yaki(not by choice o!).There has to be some sort of control if for nothing else, just so Wifey can be comfortable.There are people who are truly in need.If he's solving real problems with her consent,she won't be here.
How do you coax such a person from the behaviour when he believes he's right to do it because he's a man?
Greatheart4God is in a lot of pain.How will she now know genuine from fake?What are the odds that nothing fishy is going on especially as he's excessively defensive and obstinate.

Isn't her happiness and wellbeing important too?

One thing I have noticed is that when most people give to the detriment of their children and spouses, its not just about being generous.Its about appearing good in the eye of outsiders.

@Inappropriate relationships,
It's still very painful.And for how long before he makes a terrible mistake? I hope coaxing works cos every thing else has failed.

See how I carry mata for head,choiii! I'm running away abeg