chaircover:


LOL sisi ni o
I read the bit about brazillian
I also assume that he also sends money to other people who need genuine assistance too; not because they are women but because he just genuingly wants to help.
I didnt see the bit about where do we meet
I am a little insomiac at the minute and tend to sometimes scan through posts and threads

if he is having affiars with these women, then it is a different ball game altogether, but I somehow didnt "grab" the poster saying this.
Please correct me if I am wrong.

I read him to be someone who has inapproriate "relationships" with the other sex, and he needs to be careful, but I dont think that at the stage they are it can be forced out of him, it may be easier all round if its coaxed out of him. He has been doing this from before they are married. its not a new hobby/habit. It will take that bit longer to get rid of it.

For now I leave it on inappropriate relationship with opposite sex. I don't think they may be having affairs o at least I can't honestly say that he might not be tempted. But if at all he has had or he is having I can't honestly say.

He sends money to people with genuine needs also abi I think so.

Like you have said, at this stage it can't be forced out of him. So I think it is a gradual process. Lets hope with time sha.

Hisp her happiness is important but she has tried everything and its not working

I def dont buy into the idea of buying gifts for women or even men, especially if they are just wants and not needs plus the home front is suffering as a result.

The truth is that when foundations are a little crooked its difficult to rebuild. Yes; things can def be rebuilt, but it will take time and it will be with some pain too. .
If I had a magic wand I will cast a spell on all these women but I dont

Its a difficult situation and we all know that its wrong, but what can be do but to do things little by little.

What other option does she have; especially with a man who is like this? The only other drastic action is separation and divorce.

hispinkolo:
@jaybee3
We are always happy to have male posters.I'm happier when they write epistles

I believe I saw the where can we meet in one of her posts,or maybe im imagining things.
If he likes giving,that's fantastic but his own is to give for nonsense reasons..How can someone be taking money from my Dh to fix human hair when I'm fixing darling yaki(not by choice o!).
How do you coax such a person from the behaviour when he believes he's right to do it because he's a man?
Greatheart4God is in a lot of pain.How will she now know genuine from fake?What are the odds that nothing fishy is going on especially as he's excessively defensive and obstinate.

It's very simple. she needs to do the following without nagging and probably in the middle of the night:

1) Reiterate how the impact of his actions is putting strain on both the relationship and the family finance

2) Present verifiable proof of how lack of funds has impacted on some key activities or family life

3) Proffer solutions such as:
- Increase in daily family time - This will slowly force him off that bbm/nairaland
- Opening a joint account that you both can save money into every month - He won't dare take money from the account to buy hair for other girls

4) Reassure him that even though your preference is that he didn't have that many female friends, that you understand and in order for things to work as smoothly as it can be, he needs to make sure he doesn't ignore these concerns of yours

@jaybee3
Thanks for responding.Straight to the point

@Sisi CC
Ahhhhhh e never reach seperation at alllll..
I guess she just has to keep trying.
The thing just de pepper my body

@moca
True that..study your spouse is true.
Your own na screaming therapy
Gosh,I bet that makes everyone fall in line..

chaircover:
GoodheartforGod please lets talk
I took interest in your issue becasue In a way I Understand where you are coming from
My husband is a people person too and He is the only one in the world who I have met whose phone address memory became full
Sometimes I actually feel sorry for him, cos he is pulled left and right, up and down.

Sometimes I feel that kilode gan, they should all leave this man alone jare. But I see the joy it gives him. I see the content on his face when he has spoken to another waring couple and they have decided to give it another go. I know how happy he is when a situation that looked not doable suddenly becomes done after he has got involved.

Will some people both male and female try and play fast ones? Yes they will, but he will just have to learn from it. I also beleive and I trust in his judgement and integrity.

When he does talk about things, I listen, even if I am not that interested in that person, because I want him to know that he can talk to me and confide in me about anything.
From time to time I also drop advise. Sometimes he will say he wasnt even thinking along those lines and he shifts base, but what I am saying is that the guy needs to be able to feel comfortable enough with you to be able to see your advise as genuine and not think becasue you are jealous or just want to shut down his friendships and control him.

dont get me wrong; its easier said than done especially when the opposite sex is involved and some people clearly just dont know how to respect other peoples marriages which is just too bad, but this is the man that you married and this is somethng that you are both just going to have to compromise on. I dont want you getting down over this issue.

Some he comes to ask me before he gives and I just tell him to go ahead. Because before he comes to ask you he has already made up his mind. So whether you agree or you don't agree he will go ahead and do it without your knowledge. So even if I give my own advise, I will still leave it to him to take the final decision.

For giving to the girls or some friends, he won't tell you na when he knows you have some need. After repeated asking that he should let me know he doesn't know I might even want to add. . Me I dey pray make God open his eyes to see some of these people mean no good.

jaybee3:

It's very simple. she needs to do the following without nagging and probably in the middle of the night:

1) Reiterate how the impact of his actions is putting strain on both the relationship and the family finance

2) Present verifiable proof of how lack of funds has impacted on some key activities or family life

3) Proffer solutions such as:
- Increase in daily family time - This will slowly force him off that bbm/nairaland
- Opening a joint account that you both can save money into every month - He won't dare take money from the account to buy hair for other girls

4) Reassure him that even though your preference is that he didn't have that many female friends, that you understand and in order for things to work as smoothly as it can be, he needs to make sure he doesn't ignore these concerns of yours

Jaybee thank you. You have raised valid points and I will give you answers to them. We have talked about these things at every point. Night day or even after a hit steamy sex.

Point number 1 his answer will be that you are the one putting yourself through a lot of stress that you don't have anything to worry about. But will I be worried if you are talking with one chic for a month and later I get to see that money is exchanging hand.

Point 2 his reply will be that because of the little money he gives out will make you not to save or invest. You must be a selfish woman and want to have it all.

Point 3 you want to kill him by taking him off his gadget. He is addicted to nairaland and other forums. I don't have issues with that but please it is the balance we quarrel about. So me don learn well well. Nairaland na my second home now.

Joint account? We tried and it isn't working. Cos when he has expended his own money finish. The next place to come borrow na the joint account to take care of siblings fees or extended family feeding. Me no go fit say no cos he says na borrow but he hasn't returned one. So no more contributing to it. I keep my kobo else where.

Point 4 if you keep on saying that na trouble u dey find o. You want to be "me and my husband wife" which needs sef. He will ask you weda you are hungry. Your needs can wait o. People needs to be taken care of.

goodheart4God:

Jaybee thank you. You have raised valid points and I will give you answers to them. We have talked about these things at every point. Night day or even after a hit steamy sex.

You’re welcome
I’m kind of worried that you seem to have ready answers for things. Don’t you think second-guessing possible outcomes might actually stop you from taking measurable steps in solving all these problems?

Yes your husband is probably a crafty old fox but if he loves you as in genuine love then he will listen as well as willing to try

goodheart4God:

Point number 1 his answer will be that you are the one putting yourself through a lot of stress that you don't have anything to worry about. But will I be worried if you are talking with one chic for a month and later I get to see that money is exchanging hand.

I sort of expect you to steer the communication along these lines:

Baby, do you realise that I’m now only able to sleep 4 hours daily just because I’m consistently worried that you my husband is probably counselling some other girls about their relationship problems. Effect of this inadequate sleep is that the quality of my work is now being noticeably under par. I wouldn't want to lose my job because of these worries that you can help put a stop to by firm positive actions from you.

Baby, I’m now consistently worrying about money and future of our kids due to your inconsiderate generosity. As much as I want you to help, I sincerely think you are exposing us your family to some financial difficulties that if not taken care of will implode in our faces.

goodheart4God:

Point 2 his reply will be that because of the little money he gives out will make you not to save or invest. You must be a selfish woman and want to have it all.

Baby, I’m happy to be called selfish if my primary concern and responsibility is to provide some sort of financial assurance for us going forward. I’m not asking you to stop helping, I’m only asking you to set aside a fixed amount of money every single month that all your planned charitable donations will have to come out from.
This is not asking for too much my love cos at the end of the day, these people will survive if we didn't have money to give them so why should we displease ourselves to please others

goodheart4God:

Point 3 you want to kill him by taking him off his gadget. He is addicted to nairaland and other forums. I don't have issues with that but please it is the balance we quarrel about. So me don learn well well. Nairaland na my second home now.

You are not taking him off his gadget. You are only insisting on him creating Me time for you. If he loves you then he shouldn't have a problem with that.
Your Me time could be an hour or even 30 minutes. He needs to be able to realise the impact of these distractions on his family

goodheart4God:

Joint account? We tried and it isn't working. Cos when he has expended his own money finish. The next place to come borrow na the joint account to take care of siblings fees or extended family feeding. Me no go fit say no cos he says na borrow but he hasn't returned one. So no more contributing to it. I keep my kobo else where.

No point making plans if you going to turn back and dance to his tune. Your marriage is a partnership and you also have a say on how it’s run. You need to start seeing yourself as a co-driver rather than a mere passenger.
Absolutely nothing wrong in saying NO if and when he comes back asking for more money

This is really deep @ godismystrength.

Can u do any other thing than paid employement?
Anything at all?

Gosh, i wish u had money on u,u need to spoil urself bad. Vacation outside or in d country will be in other.

Pls try looking for job or what to do as one that depends only on herself.

When u start doing as u want with ur money, he complains, then he can sit down for d talk.
At times one need to do the opposite for d head to reset.
Damn!

jaybee3:


You’re welcome
I’m kind of worried that you seem to have ready answers for things. Don’t you think second-guessing possible outcomes might actually stop you from taking measurable steps in solving all these problems?

Yes your husband is probably a crafty old fox but if he loves you as in genuine love then he will listen as well as willing to try


I sort of expect you to steer the communication along these lines:

Baby, do you realise that I’m now only able to sleep 4 hours daily just because I’m consistently worried that you my husband is probably counselling some other girls about their relationship problems. Effect of this inadequate sleep is that the quality of my work is now being noticeably under par. I wouldn't want to lose my job because of these worries that you can help put a stop to by firm positive actions from you.

Baby, I’m now consistently worrying about money and future of our kids due to your inconsiderate generosity. As much as I want you to help, I sincerely think you are exposing us your family to some financial difficulties that if not taken care of will implode in our faces.



Baby, I’m happy to be called selfish if my primary concern and responsibility is to provide some sort of financial assurance for us going forward. I’m not asking you to stop helping, I’m only asking you to set aside a fixed amount of money every single month that all your planned charitable donations will have to come out from.
This is not asking for too much my love cos at the end of the day, these people will survive if we didn't have money to give them so why should we displease ourselves to please others



You are not taking him off his gadget. You are only insisting on him creating Me time for you. If he loves you then he shouldn't have a problem with that.
Your Me time could be an hour or even 30 minutes. He needs to be able to realise the impact of these distractions on his family


No point making plans if you going to turn back and dance to his tune. Your marriage is a partnership and you also have a say on how it’s run. You need to start seeing yourself as a co-driver rather than a mere passenger.
Absolutely nothing wrong in saying NO if and when he comes back asking for more money

Sorry if I might have ready answers but I am actually giving you back his answers to most points I have raised.

That is my problem, I don't really think he really loves me the way I have loved him. Cos if he did he would have been able to truly understand the way I feel.

Jaybee if you try not even being able to sleep thing. He will tell you that because sleep isn't catching you. Or rather is it the one he will see you turning on bed or even crying. Yet he will just ignore you and sleep off.

How many times haven't I talked about money and the future of the kids. His reply is that they will be well taken care of. Ask me o whether he sees the future. He just have to do these things now.

I tell him to put aside some money every month. His reply will be that I am not in tuned with reality. That I can't I see that what he has can barely handle issues on ground not to talk of setting aside for savings. So what I do now is that if I see any small investment I try to cajole him sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't

It isn't about being a passenger, sometimes due to my nature. I tend to let things slide now cos I just want peace. I think that was my undoing cos I let love blind my eyes to some realities on ground. So if you insist he shouldn't touch the money will only bring more resentment from him. Since he insist he will pay back, I always let him win.

How about you lock the money on a monthly basis into TBills or fixed deposit where he won't readily have access to it.

I'm sorry, you will only have yourself to blame at the end of the day if you don't take drastic actions.

Do you guys have a budget plan?

What kind of financial arrangements do you guys have, does he take care of all household bills and feeding or you have a sharing formula?

moca:
This is really deep @ godismystrength.

Can u do any other thing than paid employement?
Anything at all?

Gosh, i wish u had money on u,u need to spoil urself bad. Vacation outside or in d country will be in other.

Pls try looking for job or what to do as one that depends only on herself.

When u start doing as u want with ur money, he complains, then he can sit down for d talk.
At times one need to do the opposite for d head to reset.
Damn!

Moca if your questions are directed at me. Yes I can do other things apart from paid employment. I am presently learning a skill and also advancing in my education by running a programme. I have never depended on his money. I have always worked before I got married and even after I got married. So taking care of myself was never a problem. I just want him to plan for his nuclear family.

Sorry dear no money for outside vacation now. I am still looking for a job seriously. And I know soon favour will locate me.

jaybee3:
How about you lock the money on a monthly basis into TBills or fixed deposit where he won't readily have access to it.

I'm sorry, you will only have yourself to blame at the end of the day if you don't take drastic actions.

Do you guys have a budget plan?

What kind of financial arrangements do you guys have, does he take care of all household bills and feeding or you have a sharing formula?

I thought the joint account would help but when I insisted that the account have a purpose. He said the account will be for anything when I insisted that joint account isn't run that way. He never shared my view so I pulled out and he collected all the money thought it wasn't much.

We don't have any fix deposit anywhere unless he has that I don't know. No budget plan o. Spend as it comes.

He brings 100% for now for bills n other things though I was supporting when I was working and still support if I get little money.

The only drastic action for me now is to get a job as I have already mapped out saving plans for myself and my children. Since my little business hasn't started yielding income

jaybee3:
How about you lock the money on a monthly basis into TBills or fixed deposit where he won't readily have access to it.

I'm sorry, you will only have yourself to blame at the end of the day if you don't take drastic actions.

Do you guys have a budget plan?

What kind of financial arrangements do you guys have, does he take care of all household bills and feeding or you have a sharing formula?

egbonnnn kilo n happen?

Phema, please, fill us in on your method.
it might save a family

Sisi CC, I hail thee MA!

alutacontinua:
Phema, please, fill us in on your method.
it might save a family

Sisi CC, I hail thee MA!

Grrrrrrrr

Uncle jaybee3 in action,how refreshing is it to read from a male perspective,i can't complain.....

it is well goodheartforGod......

hello all....so many things have happened in-between my short silence however there is something really bothering me so much since i found it this morning while preparing for work..... meanwhile hubby is still trying hard to convince me that he isn't cheating on me and that all scenarios have just been attempts and not the actual act (not limited to that maid and her sister- that i have confirmed)... I happen to see his note where he wrote out some things which includes list of things he is praying for God to take away from him, these includes among others; fornication, temptations...... Now doesn't the bolded mean that he is already doing it I intend to confront him with this tonight but still .......

goodheart4God:

I thought the joint account would help but when I insisted that the account have a purpose. He said the account will be for anything when I insisted that joint account isn't run that way. He never shared my view so I pulled out and he collected all the money thought it wasn't much.

We don't have any fix deposit anywhere unless he has that I don't know. No budget plan o. Spend as it comes.

He brings 100% for now for bills n other things though I was supporting when I was working and still support if I get little money.

The only drastic action for me now is to get a job as I have already mapped out saving plans for myself and my children. Since my little business hasn't started yielding income

God will hear your prayer regarding a job & your business. It is well
My dear just relax. Dont let anyone give you HBP, God forbid if your enemy dies, life goes on, so please take care of yourself. Emotional distress eventually affects ones health
Also please be very prayerful. There is nothing that God cant do & some of these battles are won on ones knees
Go through everyones advise again and pick the ones that you havent already done and you feel may work. Continue to be positive. It is well sis.

Godmystrength:
hello all....so many things have happened in-between my short silence however there is something really bothering me so much since i found it this morning while preparing for work..... meanwhile hubby is still trying hard to convince me that he isn't cheating on me and that all scenarios have just been attempts and not the actual act (not limited to that maid and her sister- that i have confirmed)... I happen to see his note where he wrote out some things which includes list of things he is praying for God to take away from him, these includes among others; fornication, temptations...... Now doesn't the bolded mean that he is already doing it I intend to confront him with this tonight but still .......

What do you intend to do if or when you eventually find out he cheated on you?

chaircover:


God will hear your prayer regarding a job & your business. It is well
My dear just relax. Dont let anyone give you HBP, God forbid if your enemy dies, life goes on, so please take care of yourself. Emotional distress eventually affects ones health
Also please be very prayerful. There is nothing that God cant do & some of these battles are won on ones knees
Go through everyones advise again and pick the ones that you havent already done and you feel may work. Continue to be positive. It is well sis.

Thank you sisi CC, prayers is what have kept me this far. As early part of the marriage, I was depressed and I felt I had made a mistake. But as times goes on, I am determined to make it work.

I know one day I will look back and laugh at all these. Thank you so much I really appreciate.

This 'inappropriate relationship' I remember almost caused Bill Clinton all he worked for. Loll. Attimes, we don't need to bring down our panties or dross( as hipsinkolo put am..laf wan kill me) before we can say we have cheated! We can cheat on our spouses with our emotion.,yes..keeping messages n deleting is just few steps away from doing the thing.

chaircover:


LOL if only you know how much I dislike the madam thing
I prefer sisi CC

As in ehh nd dey will be calling tiny me madam .I ve a smallie wahala.i hate lying to hubby abt anything. U no how kids quality stuff re expensive nd its also d same price with adult wears.each tym I get something 4 our son, I'm always reducing d price cos I don't ve strength to start explaining how kids stuffs re costly bla bla bla.pls how do I stop it cos I really feel very guilty.

Donxavier:


What do you intend to do if or when you eventually find out he cheated on you?

i don't know yet. Any suggestions?

Godmystrength:
i don't know yet. Any suggestions?

My dear sister, God is indeed your strenght. it could be the temptation which I think may come from being idle. I think you need time to rest because so many things are going on and I feel so sad for you.

Can you take time off from work? Maybe go see your mom for some TLC?

Everyone has spoken rightly cos situations are different.just make yourself happy,bother less about his Mr nice to other women, that sure hurts I know.infact don't talk about it for a while maybe gradually, he will stop deleting.

There's no need lying. Let him also do the buying some times or go with you for shopping.

ijeoma2728:

As in ehh nd dey will be calling tiny me madam .I ve a smallie wahala.i hate lying to hubby abt anything. U no how kids quality stuff re expensive nd its also d same price with adult wears.each tym I get something 4 our son, I'm always reducing d price cos I don't ve strength to start explaining how kids stuffs re costly bla bla bla.pls how do I stop it cos I really feel very guilty.

aisha2:


My dear sister, God is indeed your strenght. it could be the temptation
which I think may come from being idle. I think you need time to rest
because so many things are going on and I feel so sad for you.

Can you take time off from work? Maybe go see your mom for some
TLC?

no time to take time off o. we have strict deadlines to
meet. i wasn't even allowed time off when i was sick. i dey manage my
situation like that jare.

Godmystrength:
i don't know yet. Any suggestions?

Is it possible you overlook and don't confront him about it. Can you take it without some kind of confrontation?

Godmystrength:
no time to take time off o. we have strict deadlines to
meet. i wasn't even allowed time off when i was sick. i dey manage my
situation like that jare.

Hmmm, it will be well with your spirit dear. At least with Gods help take a day out and have fun with my pickin. You are strong dear.

Also remember none of this is your fault

Donxavier:


Is it possible you overlook and don't confront him about it. Can you take it without some kind of confrontation?

overlook As in act like nothing happened and move on? So after that, what next?

Godmystrength:
overlook As in act like nothing happened and move on? So after that, what next?

Join him in the prayers for God to take fornication and temptations from his life. It seems he's aware he's doing wrong and wants to stop, either his flirtatious ways or his cheating ways. A little spiritual help from you would go a long way

Donxavier:


Join him in the prayers for God to take fornication and temptations from
his life. It seems he's aware he's doing wrong and wants to stop,
either his flirtatious ways or his cheating ways. A little spiritual
help from you would go a long way

join him in prayers and offer
spiritual help for what he says he isn't guilty of?? If i hadnt seen his
note.....