Lovethlovesmike:
OP thanks for opening this thread. You made my day. I'm so ready for marriage. My bf and I are age-mates and I think that's where the main "disconnect' lies. We love each other and are both working engineers. I have 3 guys on my neck too (2 which I met on FB) and 1 in Church. I got "close" to the one in Church and somehow, my bf could feel the difference in our relationship. He started asking questions like if I'm considering leaving him for someone else that he feels like I'm slipping away.

Anyways, I told him everything and how I feel like he's using me to pass time and I need commitment. He's been pleading, buying gifts, etc but I still don't feel any vibe of commitment or seriousness on that level. Although he stepped up tremendously, another time-waster is that his older sister is a pretty 33 year old single. I have no issues with her at all. Now my bf said he won't get married before his sister marries to save her face from shame. So how long will the wait be?? My "heart" says stay, but my "senses" wants to leave.

You better say yes to one of the serious ones like the one from church
Your marriage is tied to his sister's ?
What nonsense
And if she never marries
Those your suitors won't wait forever they will eventually tire and marry someone else and this man may never marry you
The mere fact that you are with this BF and open to start relationship with others tells me you know what you have may not lead to marriage
Be sincere to yourself,use your head and move on
He is not the one but you can choose to wait and try your luck

Poster simple truth is that HE IS NOT INTO YOU LIKE HAT.
Even if there is no one else you are not what he wants. You can wait for a month or a year its your time wasted, you will be shocked he will meet a girl he is into and marry her in 6 months men are like that, if he is into you he will be considerate of your feelings and wouldn't want you to ever feel insecure or hurt


Nothing wrong in wanting to marry, I can sugar coat it but women have been lying to each other since 0012bc when eve had a companion lol. Your friends will probably gist you of some girl who waited patiently for donkey years and the man finally proposed they wont gist you about the million others who waited in vain and turned into bitter midnight stripping nak- ed and cursing babes because after years of waiting guy meets a babe who doesn't even cook clean or do one tenth of what you have done and he proposes and marries her while you will waste your youth probably have one or two abortions to keep the freebies he is enjoying going.

I advice you to know what you want, this isn't about other toasters conquer the fear of being alone, you are hanging on because you think at least " I have a man" well, you and your " man" are not working in the same direction.
You asked he has answered you can hang on and around as long as you want he is not into you like that.

Love yourself first no one will love you more than you love yourself. When you love yourself no one needs to advice you on what you deserve. If i had someone tell me the truth earlier in my life I wouldn't have wasted as much time and energy as I did in some dead end relationships.

Cooking, cleaning and acting like a wife wont get him to change his mind.

aisha2:
Poster simple truth is that HE IS NOT INTO YOU LIKE HAT.
Even if there is no one else you are not what he wants. You can wait for a month or a year its your time wasted, you will be shocked he will meet a girl he is into and marry her in 6 months men are like that, if he is into you he will be considerate of your feelings and wouldn't want you to ever feel insecure or hurt


Nothing wrong in wanting to marry, I can sugar coat it but women have been lying to each other since 0012bc when eve had a companion lol. Your friends will probably gist you of some girl who waited patiently for donkey years and the man finally proposed they wont gist you about the million others who waited in vain and turned into bitter midnight stripping nak- ed and cursing babes because after years of waiting guy meets a babe who doesn't even cook clean or do one tenth of what you have done and he proposes and marries her while you will waste your youth probably have one or two abortions to keep the freebies he is enjoying going.

I advice you to know what you want, this isn't about other toasters conquer the fear of being alone, you are hanging on because you think at least " I have a man" well, you and your " man" are not working in the same direction.
You asked he has answered you can hang on and around as long as you want he is not into you like that.

Love yourself first no one will love you more than you love yourself. When you love yourself no one needs to advice you on what you deserve. If i had someone tell me the truth earlier in my life I wouldn't have wasted as much time and energy as I did in some dead end relationships.

Cooking, cleaning and acting like a wife wont get him to change his mind.

Gbam!
Same story virtually all my married friends have and my own story too ,when I met my husband,he couldn't wait to walk me down the aisle
A man who is ready to settle down wants to do it right away,na you go dey do shakara not the other way round
Imagine asking a man to marry you or pleading for him to commit and he is giving you conditions and you are wondering whether to give him time
Tufiakwa!!
That is a bad sign

Babymama1:

Gbam!
Same story virtually all my married friends have and my own story too ,when I met my husband,he couldn't wait to walk me down the aisle
A man who is ready to settle down wants to do it right away,na you go dey do shakara not the other way round
Imagine asking a man to marry me or pleading for him to commit
Tufiakwa!!
That is a bad sign

My dear I wasted donkey years in relationships one from childhood. Another who would scream when you shout commitment, when you ask at the end of the year he will get so worked up and even keep malice lol. Till Debrief dragged me aside a few years back and adviced I stop wasting my time when I see a relationship is not growing, even as a divorcee i saw how easy for her to remarry while I was caught up in the fear of " if I leave this one where I wan start from again" but her boldness and courage motivated me since then bye bye to time wasters.

I met hubby and in a month marriage plans commenced no story no drama. A man knows what he wants. If you waste 6 months or 6 years on a man who doesnt want its your choice. My own is don't turn bitter later because no one tie you by force with any man wey no want

aisha2:


My dear I wasted donkey years in relationships one from childhood. Another who would scream when you shout commitment, when you ask at the end of the year he will get so worked up and even keep malice lol. Till Debrief dragged me aside a few years back and adviced I stop wasting my time when I see a relationship is not growing, even as a divorcee i saw how easy for her to remarry while I was caught up in the fear of " if I leave this one where I wan start from again" but her boldness and courage motivated me since then bye bye to time wasters.

I met hubby and in a month marriage plans commenced no story no drama. A man knows what he wants. If you waste 6 months or 6 years on a man who doesnt want its your choice. My own is don't turn bitter later because no one tie you by force with any man wey no want

Good girl
You tell women they won't listen
I always say that any girl that wants to marry and is ready should not spend more than 3 months with any man
Within 1-3 months you can tell a man who is ready,you don't have to do a thing to make him come to that conclusion
From the first few dates,my hubby was already talking about us and a future with me in it
People think it is when you wash clothes and clean house and play wife that he will wake up one day and have a change of heart
No way
You could sit and gist all day without boiling him an egg ,if you are the one you are the one
I didn't even know how to cook till I was married,that's how pathetic I was n the kitchen department
He taught me how to cook many things
Even till this day,I ask him questions regarding kitchen stuff
I cooked with water leaf for the first time a few weeks ago
He was the person that told me it needed to be sliced and to lay easy on the water while boiling the meat/ have all the water dried up or the soup will be very watery

Babymama1:

Good girl
You tell women they won't listen
I always say that any girl that wants yo marry and is ready should not spend more than 3 months with any man
Within 1-3 months you can tell a man who is ready
From the first few dates,my hubby was already talking about us and a future with me in it
People think it is when you watch clothes and clean house that he will wake up one day and have a change of heart
No way
You could sit and gist all day without boiling him an egg ,if you are the one you are the one
I didn't even know how to cook till I was married

I cooked heaven, hell and earth for one, learned all his village dishes lol, at the end of the day he married one babe who doesn't cook hired a cook for her.
Like you said sisters dont listen, what I thank God for till today was I never got into that main chick side chick rubbish. Na that one dey scatter my head, the mumu level is too much, two or more of you will be dragging one pen- is and sisters will be consoling themselves that they are main chicks. Even if you fight the rest off and marry him it will never stop then you will create different monikers on nairaland and be repeating the same issue.. Worse is they turn bitter and attack those who attempt to post that they have a good marriage and call them fake and liars.

One was ready to marry but wanted me to accept cheating as a man thing, his argument was every man does it bla bla bla, I no gree oh, he wanted me to be content with the fact that he " chose" me. I left, he was still begging till I got married even pretended to change but I saw through him. A man with a mindset like that hardly changes, it was up to me to decide without fear what I wanted. My dear fear is what keeps most sisters in prison. " if i leave this one will i get anything better" my friend taught me that i should never sell myself short leaving or staying should be dependent on what nakes me happy and not fear.

As a divorved woman she had more toasters than me because of her carriage and remarried while I was still busy forming acting " patient wife' in the making" na there my eye open. Na how you place your wares them go value am buy and if you yourself dont value it no one else would

The elders have spoken
The truth is you don't need 100 years to know the serious ones, even if he's not ready, he'll give you more than enough reasons to stay

why wait for uncooked rice when there is available yarm?

aisha2:


I cooked heaven, hell and earth for one, learned all his village dishes lol, at the end of the day he married one babe who doesn't cook hired a cook for her.
Like you said sisters dont listen, what I thank God for till today was I never got into that main chick side chick rubbish. Na that one dey scatter my head, the mumu level is too much, two or more of you will be dragging one pen- is and sisters will be consoling themselves that they are main chicks. Even if you fight the rest off and marry him it will never stop then you will create different monikers on nairaland and be repeating the same issue.. Worse is they turn bitter and attack those who attempt to post that they have a good marriage and call them fake and liars.

One was ready to marry but wanted me to accept cheating as a man thing, his argument was every man does it bla bla bla, I no gree oh, he wanted me to be content with the fact that he " chose" me. I left, he was still begging till I got married even pretended to change but I saw through him. A man with a mindset like that hardly changes, it was up to me to decide without fear what I wanted. My dear fear is what keeps most sisters in prison. " if i leave this one will i get anything better" my friend taught me that i should never sell myself short leaving or staying should be dependent on what nakes me happy and not fear.

As a divorved woman she had more toasters than me because of her carriage and remarried while I was still busy forming acting " patient wife' in the making" na there my eye open. Na how you place your wares them go value am buy and if you yourself dont value it no one else would

I hope the single ladies and the OP are reading all this

aisha2:


I cooked heaven, hell and earth for one, learned all his village dishes lol, at the end of the day he married one babe who doesn't cook hired a cook for her.
Like you said sisters dont listen, what I thank God for till today was I never got into that main chick side chick rubbish. Na that one dey scatter my head, the mumu level is too much, two or more of you will be dragging one pen- is and sisters will be consoling themselves that they are main chicks. Even if you fight the rest off and marry him it will never stop then you will create different monikers on nairaland and be repeating the same issue.. Worse is they turn bitter and attack those who attempt to post that they have a good marriage and call them fake and liars.

One was ready to marry but wanted me to accept cheating as a man thing, his argument was every man does it bla bla bla, I no gree oh, he wanted me to be content with the fact that he " chose" me. I left, he was still begging till I got married even pretended to change but I saw through him. A man with a mindset like that hardly changes, it was up to me to decide without fear what I wanted. My dear fear is what keeps most sisters in prison. " if i leave this one will i get anything better" my friend taught me that i should never sell myself short leaving or staying should be dependent on what nakes me happy and not fear.

As a divorved woman she had more toasters than me because of her carriage and remarried while I was still busy forming acting " patient wife' in the making" na there my eye open. Na how you place your wares them go value am buy and if you yourself dont value it no one else would

Chei
Even learned to cook his village ceremonial soup
ROFL
You need to write a book wallahi
The things women go through
I bet you some even start learning his language or dialect,all to no avail
Then they break up date an Eshan man hoping for marriage and start learning Eshan,tomorrow it is Urhobo, the following year Tiv man,they will start learning that one
By the time she is done,she will become an all nigerian girl all because of marriage

Babymama1:



By the time she is done,she will become an all nigerian girl all because of marriage

i just had to laugh
Hahaha

Babymama1:

Chei
Even learned to cook his village ceremonial soup
ROFL
You need to write a book wallahi
The things women go through
I bet you some even start learning his language or dialect,all to no avail
Then they break up date an Eshan man hoping for marriage and start learning Eshan,tomorrow it is Urhobo, the following year Tiv man,they will start learning that one
By the time she is done,she will become an all nigerian girl all because of marriage

You dey laugh me ba, lmao God will handle ya matter for me.

My dear and all my other friends kept saying was " just be patient and keep doing all you are doing".
Meanwhile, Debrief was the only one telling me as it is, I looked at the ones advicing prayer and fasting then looked at Debrief she had walked the talk and earned the relationship she deserved the rest were managing bad behaviour from their spouses I wasn't ready to live like that anymore so I boldly from that day decided if a horse is dead get off it and stop flogging, praying, fasting cooking the horses favorite food in hopes of a resurrection.
Those friends were saying " you will never get a husband oh, is it your late age you want to start being picky". An ex even told his brother that I would probably end up marrying an old widower or as a second wife, no be small thing

Hehehe but when they came to my wedding saw my hot husband and the kind of love we had, how our families celebrated us because we had done an earlier quite wedding, our families no gree took their time and planned a massive one for us. My exes brother was just using us to change DP sotay the brother threatened to delete him from BBM.

Long as short, people who sell you short don't own your life. Your life is in Gods hands and God has given you a free hand to decide what you want regardless of what anyone says

cococandy:
i just had to laugh
Hahaha

All this laugh una dey laugh me hiannnn

Are you trying to force his hands by having 5 suitors?

Is this some sort of competition or what as i just can't understand why you had be entertaining other men to the extent that they had be upgraded to suitors whilst being in a serious relationship.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in having an ambition to marry at a certain age, so please break up with your present bf if he isn't up to the task already instead of playing russian roulette with matters of the heart

aisha2:


All this laugh una dey laugh me hiannnn

but I wasn't laughing at you jare.

jaybee3:
Are you trying to force his hands by having 5 suitors?
Is this some sort of competition or what as i just can't understand why you had be entertaining other men to the extent that they had be upgraded to suitors whilst being in a serious relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in having an ambition to marry at a certain age, so please break up with your present bf if he isn't up to the task already instead of playing russian roulette with matters of the heart

True the emotional blackmail is unnecessary, you don't beed 5 suitors to make a man decide to marry you. If I were him I would also call your bluff no be by force.
Girls should stop using this and the " I get belle methods ' just setting yourself up for failure

cococandy:
but I wasn't laughing at you jare.

I hear you, anyway if my mumu experience will save another sister happy to share

aisha2:


True the emotional blackmail is unnecessary, you don't beed 5 suitors to make a man decide to marry you. If I were him I would also call your bluff no be by force.
Girls should stop using this and the " I get belle methods ' just setting yourself up for failure

Exactly my point.
It's not like she is being forced to remain in the relationship.
If you aren't fulfilled in your relationship then get stepping. Absolutely no point waiting for a man to change his mind especially when his reluctance has nothing to do with lack of finance

I was beginning to think no one would bring the need for her to tell her bf she has 5 suitors lined up waiting for an answer

jaybee3:

Exactly my point.
It's not like she is being forced to remain in the relationship.
If you aren't fulfilled in your relationship then get stepping. Absolutely no point waiting for a man to change his mind especially when his reluctance has nothing to do with lack of finance

Attempting to make him jealous won't make him want you.
All these schemes and games are not needed in a healthy relationship

FavourGee:


I understand perfectly what you are saying, I just gave you one year based on the question you asked me which I know I can never tell him with my mouth.

I am in my late 20's so it's not really that I'm rushing/pushing per say, I'm seeking for advice here to avoid 'had I known'

Then in that case you'll be better off moving on with your life. He isn't willing to commit to you. You are. His response so far speaks volumes.

@Babymama1 & Aisha2: if you don't mind my asking, how old were you both when you eventually got married to your husbands?

When I look back to my situation (lol! Seems like donkey years ago now...) I remember I had barely caught my breath after arriving here before getting snared & snapped up by hubby. People were like: "Shuo! Una nor waste time o!" Even our families were left out of breath trying to play catch up.

So yes, there is a lot of truth in what you both have said. When a man meets the "one", not even finance would hold him back from proposing.

EfemenaXY:

Then in that case you'll be better off moving on with your life. He isn't willing to commit to you. You are. His response so far speaks volumes.
@Babymama1 & Aisha2: if you don't mind my asking, how old were you both when you eventually got married to your husbands?
When I look back to my situation (lol! Seems like donkey years ago now...) I remember I had barely caught my breath after arriving here before getting snared & snapped up by hubby. People were like: "Shuo! Una nor waste time o!" Even our families were left out of breath trying to play catch up.
So yes, there is a lot of truth in what you both have said. When a man meets the "one", not even finance would hold him back from proposing.

My 30s

Op,

I am not in an epistle writing mold, you got to do what you got to do.

1. You say your boyfriend is a working class Engineer, that makes him a salary earner.

2. You also say he loves you too and yet his unwilling to commit to you.

In the 1st case, money isn't his problem, at least he didn't say it.

In the 2nd case, love isn't lacking.

Late 20s is fast entering danger zone for any lady who wanna marry, at least from my own opinion.

Weigh your options very well and make that giant stride..

Avoid acting immaturely to try to elicit a commitment response from him.

All the best.

Babymama, Aisha & Efe, tuale to you sexy Mrs! I enjoyed your posts. Please keep it coming.

This is for Aisha: please can you open a diary here (family section) narrating your experiences in your past relationships before you had the AWAKENING to leave and how you met your "hot" husband and all the pleasant dramas that happened. I'm on my e-knees begging you to do this.

I used to think you were way advanced in marriage (like 8-10 years) till you mentioned debrief. I think you are still in your "honeymoon" years (I mean 3-4 yrs in marriage). If I am wrong with my assumptions, I apologise. Please open that diary and save some lives! Thanks!

I believe when a man meets the woman he wants to spend his life with, he WON'T waste time. Some know within a day of meeting her; some a week; some a few weeks and for some 3-6 months but when it spans to years, that one is a serious matter.

A man that wants you won't waste time at all. Infact, you will be the one telling him to wait a bit and take it slow. Some men are just time and destiny delayers and wasters.

Babymama1:
You better say yes to one of the serious ones like the one from church
Your marriage is tied to his sister's ?
What nonsense
And if she never marries
Those your suitors won't wait forever they will eventually tire and marry someone else and this man may never marry you
The mere fact that you are with this BF and open to start relationship with others tells me you know what you have may not lead to marriage
Be sincere to yourself,use your head and move on
He is not the one but you can choose to wait and try your luck

Thanks a lot. But he really loves me and starts crying that he's scared to lose me. This whole pitying his sister is driving me crazy and sometimes he mentions crazy things like i need to work for a couple more years to start a family. Ehn? did you say a "couple more years?" How much does it cost to start a family in the U.S.? We've both been employed forever!!! He's just not ready.

aisha2:
Love yourself first no one will love you more than you love yourself. When you love yourself no one needs to advice you on what you deserve. If i had someone tell me the truth earlier in my life I wouldn't have wasted as much time and energy as I did in some dead end relationships.

Thank you for this beautiful piece of advice.

I really appreciate the advises on this thread.

ferhyntorlah:
Babymama, Aisha & Efe, tuale to you sexy Mrs! I enjoyed your posts. Please keep it coming.

This is for Aisha: please can you open a diary here (family section) narrating your experiences in your past relationships before you had the AWAKENING to leave and how you met your "hot" husband and all the pleasant dramas that happened. I'm on my e-knees begging you to do this.

I used to think you were way advanced in marriage (like 8-10 years) till you mentioned debrief. I think you are still in your "honeymoon" years (I mean 3-4 yrs in marriage). If I am wrong with my assumptions, I apologise. Please open that diary and save some lives! Thanks!

I believe when a man meets the woman he wants to spend his life with, he WON'T waste time. Some know within a day of meeting her; some a week; some a few weeks and for some 3-6 months but when it spans to years, that one is a serious matter.

A man that wants you won't waste time at all. Infact, you will be the one telling him to wait a bit and take it slow. Some men are just time and destiny delayers and wasters.

Okay let me get this straight, how will her personal experiences help define/shape your present or future relationship?
Don't you understand that dynamics of relationships are different in every sense you can think of
As adults, we should know the difference between right from wrong and hopefully that understanding should help shape your destiny

It is not about jumping to any offer from her suitors, how long did she know any of the suitors,
How is she sure some of them are ready for marriage and not playing the marriage card game ( I have witness such)
Op are you willing to marry a man you knows little about his personality or did you plan to date after leaving your boyfriend.
Marriage is a life commitment which you have to be sure who you are committing with to avoid future threads like I left a good guy to marry a beast.

ferhyntorlah:
Babymama, Aisha & Efe, tuale to you sexy Mrs! I enjoyed your posts. Please keep it coming.
This is for Aisha: please can you open a diary here (family section) narrating your experiences in your past relationships before you had the AWAKENING to leave and how you met your "hot" husband and all the pleasant dramas that happened. I'm on my e-knees begging you to do this.
I used to think you were way advanced in marriage (like 8-10 years) till you mentioned debrief. I think you are still in your "honeymoon" years (I mean 3-4 yrs in marriage). If I am wrong with my assumptions, I apologise. Please open that diary and save some lives! Thanks!
I believe when a man meets the woman he wants to spend his life with, he WON'T waste time. Some know within a day of meeting her; some a week; some a few weeks and for some 3-6 months but when it spans to years, that one is a serious matter.
A man that wants you won't waste time at all. Infact, you will be the one telling him to wait a bit and take it slow. Some men are just time and destiny delayers and wasters.

I don't think its a great idea, this is nairaland where attention seekers and trolls reign supreme, I can from time to time share real life experience so others can know its not just theory but to turn my life to a soap on nairaland and let attention seekers feast on me and my husband MBA.

I dont believe there is a honeymoon phase, if you and your spouse are honest with each other from day one you simply grow together I have several wonderful examples of good marriages and I married someone am on the same page with warts and all.

jaybee3:

Okay let me get this straight, how will her personal experiences help define/shape your present or future relationship?
Don't you understand that dynamics of relationships are different in every sense you can think of
As adults, we should know the difference between right from wrong and hopefully that understanding should help shape your destiny

Thank you. Every relationship is different but respecting your spouse and being respected by him or her should be one of the pillars, every individual should know what they want and conquer fear, once you conquer fear the sky is your limit

Thanks to everyone that contributed I appreciate.
I will have to use my senses this time, I will choose from one of the suitors.

I no sabi shout!

jaybee3:

Okay let me get this straight, how will her personal experiences help define/shape your present or future relationship?
Don't you understand that dynamics of relationships are different in every sense you can think of
As adults, we should know the difference between right from wrong and hopefully that understanding should help shape your destiny

Jaybee, abeg leave me ooooo. All I know is I want to read and learn. Please leave me ooo. Thank you for your understanding and please don't quote me. Thanks again.

aisha2:


I don't think its a great idea, this is nairaland where attention seekers and trolls reign supreme, I can from time to time share real life experience so others can know its not just theory but to turn my life to a soap on nairaland and let attention seekers feast on me and my husband MBA.

I dont believe there is a honeymoon phase, if you and your spouse are honest with each other from day one you simply grow together I have several wonderful examples of good marriages and I married someone am on the same page with warts and all.

Okay, I get you. Nairaland and her "craziness".

FavourGee:
Thanks to everyone that contributed I appreciate.
I will have to use my senses this time, I will choose from one of the suitors.

I no sabi shout!

Good girl.