kika23:


Sure?

yeah.
Unless you say otherwise

Those are fundamental issues we should expressly discuss before marriage, to alleviate the psychological effect if they eventually come up in marriage.

majekdom2:
you didnt answer the other part of my question , do you think a degree holder cant feel inferior too ? you may be earning more than him , I know you may so no to this , he may loose his job , he may get duped in his business , things can turn the other way . do you think he wont feel inferior in these situations.

FavourGee:


Thanks but I tried making him give me definite answer, he began to talk as if I'm lying and pressurizing him to get married to me.

then dump him and follow another man...or is it a big deal?

[quote author=aisha2 post=28634644]

My 30s[/quote.

FavourGee:


Thanks but I tried making him give me definite answer, he began to talk as if I'm lying and pressurizing him to get married to me.

well I wanted to advise that, but clearly it has backfired. but you size up a suitor you would like and start dating *no sex of course* then see how it goes also don't forget to put it in prayers so you are blinded by affluence or show of emotion from your suitors. or better still lemme refer you to someone I think can be of immense help to you. check out soulties.com or follow @soulties on twitter

Jamean:
Those are fundamental issues we should expressly discuss before marriage, to alleviate the psychological effect if they eventually come up in marriage.

smiles , good I like your person . but you can have a similar discussion with a trades man to alleviate this "psychological effect " . I ll stop here , I wish you the best in your endeavours.

FavourGee:


Na that wasting of years be my fears my dear o.

I think I will break up with him before I enter another one because I don't know how to double date.

pls do it asap...you can also keep him as an option should incase...

MzNelly:
Five suitors?!!
When some women out there will DIE for just ONE?

lol

Nay! I still stand on, you must have a university degree no matter your business manor.

Do enjoy the rest of your weekend.

majekdom2:
smiles , good I like your person . but you can have a similar discussion with a trades man to alleviate this "psychological effect " . I ll stop here , I wish you the best in your endeavours.

When you do not know the WILL of God; expect nothing but frustration, confusion & luck.

1one:
You ladies can be funny... and by funny, that's just putting it mildly. You make this whole relationship thing seem so mechanical... It's like a business plan that if one fails you can easily develop another business plan or while you're working on one business plan, you have your eyes and ears open for another business plan.

It makes one think that a relationship to you ladies is just another desired feather to your cap... Maybe I don't just understand the psyche of a female... If it's so easy to consider 5 propositions from 5 suitors, then Where's the room for love.. For growth, for understanding, for romance, for purpose... How can you be with one guy for 3years or more and suddenly you're accepting to consider marrying in less than 6months someone you've not shared life, love, time, pain, peace, happiness, hurt etc with.

Ladies are just funny!

Shout out to all d ladies who left their boyfriends cos d new guy promised to marry them in 2014.... you have 3 Saturdays left oo- AgapeCharis

Lol
Tell them o.

Ur comment is so on point. I can't even date someone I've nt shared life with. Someone whose purpose doesn't align with mine(not necessarily d same bt it has to blend), someone I barely know or love. Nt to talk of marrying such.

Lovethlovesmike:
OP thanks for opening this thread. You made my day. I'm so ready for marriage. My bf and I are age-mates and I think that's where the main "disconnect' lies. We love each other and are both working engineers. I have 3 guys on my neck too (2 which I met on FB) and 1 in Church. I got "close" to the one in Church and somehow, my bf could feel the difference in our relationship. He started asking questions like if I'm considering leaving him for someone else that he feels like I'm slipping away.

Anyways, I told him everything and how I feel like he's using me to pass time and I need commitment. He's been pleading, buying gifts, etc but I still don't feel any vibe of commitment or seriousness on that level. Although he stepped up tremendously, another time-waster is that his older sister is a pretty 33 year old single. I have no issues with her at all. Now my bf said he won't get married before his sister marries to save her face from shame. So how long will the wait be?? My "heart" says stay, but my "senses" wants to leave.

then leave!

EfemenaXY:


Then in that case you'll be better off moving on with your life. He isn't willing to commit to you. You are. His response so far speaks volumes.

@Babymama1 & Aisha2: if you don't mind my asking, how old were you both when you eventually got married to your husbands?

When I look back to my situation (lol! Seems like donkey years ago now...) I remember I had barely caught my breath after arriving here before getting snared & snapped up by hubby. People were like: "Shuo! Una nor waste time o!" Even our families were left out of breath trying to play catch up.

So yes, there is a lot of truth in what you both have said. When a man meets the "one", not even finance would hold him back from proposing.

I got married at 23 and I had over 5 suitors lined up at the time

When babymama was babymama

AgapeCharis:
Lol
Tell them o.

Ur comment is so on point. I can't even date someone I've nt shared life with. Someone whose purpose doesn't align with mine(not necessarily d same bt it has to blend), someone I barely know or love. Nt to talk of marrying such.

Desperate ladies dont reason like that...thats why so many marriage crashes...or some of them still bleeping their exes.

coogar:


what if he's broke?
some guys genuinely want to take the leap but they have no funds to carry out their desires thus the wait......

guys are not always at fault in this. sometimes, you women often date your agemates thus the disconnect. at 25, most nigerian women are ripe for marriage. 90% of nigerian men aren't ready to marry at 25 cos they are still struggling.

Dude u re right, most men wants to put some things in place before settling down

Babymama1:


I got married at 23 and I had over 5 suitors lined up at the time

When babymama was babymama

how many guys did you date before 23.

Babymama1:


I got married at 23 and I had over 5 suitors lined up at the time

When babymama was babymama

Lol! About the same age here too. Infact eh, I was sooo green from Naija. The man no gree make I "open eye" small for here.

FavourGee:
Thanks to everyone that contributed I appreciate.
I will have to use my senses this time, I will choose from one of the suitors.

I no sabi shout!

Don't just choose a spouse from one of the suitors ,please make sure you court the person at least 3-6 months before marriage
This is very very essential
Learn about him,get to know his background,his beliefs,his likes and dislikes ,his reactions to situation and his weaknesses too and see if it's something you can live with.
3 months is enough for you to know him if you are in close proximity.
Don't marry a stranger ,that will be another disaster

AgapeCharis:
Lol
Tell them o.

Ur comment is so on point. I can't even date someone I've nt shared life with. Someone whose purpose doesn't align with mine(not necessarily d same bt it has to blend), someone I barely know or love. Nt to talk of marrying such.

Exactly... Ladies see this relationship/marriage thing like walking into a shop to buy Milo.. If there's no Milo, they would buy Bournvita, if there's no Bournvita, they would buy Ovaltine.. Even though Milo tastes better!!!

EfemenaXY:


Lol! About the same age here too. Infact eh, I was sooo green from Naija. The man no gree make I "open eye" small for here.

Personally I think 23 is a little too early for marriage
25-28 seems to me the ideal age,you are a lot more mature and well into yourself
Secretly within me I always wish I had the opportunity to live by myself for at least two years and do my own thing
I practically walked out of my parents house into a man's house or shall I say his bed
When I hear friends talk about when they lived on their own,etc,I kinda wonder what it was like
No regrets whatsoever,The big advantage though is that I had kids early
My kids are older than that of most of my friends and people are shocked I have children that big

Youngpo413:
Desperate ladies dont reason like that...thats why so many marriage crashes...or some of them still bleeping their exes.

Seriously, it beats me hollow. Dating/Marriage isn't something u go into just for d sake/name of it.

1one:


Exactly... Ladies see this relationship/marriage thing like walking into a shop to buy Milo.. If there's no Milo, they would buy Bournvita, if there's no Bournvita, they would buy Ovaltine.. Even though Milo tastes better!!!

I just pray some ladies r reading dx. If u'v actually set ur priorities right n u have a dream u'r focused on achieving, u wouldn't just jump from guy X to guy Zee

Jamean:
Well said but you're totally hillarious. Reminds me of what our teachers told us in high school that our spouse were already in Uni (not for everyone though).

Coogar said it
Girls will be dating their classmates and NYSC camp mates hoping for marriage,rarely does it work out,most times it doesn't
Most women marry men at least 5 years older or more
That is the reality
You can't be a 25 year old girl and pressurizing a 25 year old young man for marriage
He will be ready in 5 years or more for the most part
That is just the naked truth

Babymama1:


Personally I think 23 is a little too early for marriage
25-28 seems to me the ideal age,you are a lot more mature and well into yourself
Secretly within me I always wish I had the opportunity to live by myself for at least two years and do my own thing
I practically walked out of my parents house into a man's house or shall I say his bed
When I hear friends talk about when they lived on their own,etc,I kinda wonder what it was like
No regrets whatsoever,The big advantage though is that I had kids early
My kids are older than that of most of my friends and people are shocked I have children that big

Babymama are we twin sisters??

You've just perfectly captured exactly how it is / was for me too!

Yeah, 23 is a bit early. I married on the eve of my 25th birthday. It's funny now that I think of it. Remembering how both families came together to fix the date(s) and my main concern being that I shouldn't enter my 25th birthday before the D-Day o!

As per kids, spot on again...and a large family at that.

I too have always wondered what it would have really felt like to live the "Miss Independent" life on my own for a couple of years...but yes, I'm glad about the choices I made then. Besides, the courtship had gone on for nearly 2 years. If not for distance and school, we definitely would have married earlier.

(Sigh)...The youths today have got it easy, communication wise. NIPOST mail taking nearly 2-3 months to reach you plus no mobile phones in our time - where owning a landline was a 'big deal'. I used to live for those special Saturday mornings to receive his phone call...lol! With momsie and popsie pretending not to eavesdrop

AgapeCharis:
I just pray some ladies r reading dx. If u'v actually set ur priorities right n u have a dream u'r focused on achieving, u wouldn't just jump from guy X to guy Zee

I couldn't have said it any better.

GBAM!!!

Rather unfortunately, I have a close friend in this case right now. I've tried talking to her about it, but she's head over heels in love,and already giving the guy some nudges.

No matter how financially stable some men may even be, they won't still be ready to marry till a certain age. So ladies why not just stay single and live well till it's high-time. Many failed relationships leave scars.

I quoted a guy and told him I'm 22, and won't start any affair even with a 23yr old guy (infact 25 sef), 'cause I have a perspective & time view for marriage.

People should learn to face reality and avoid unnecessary delay.

Babymama1:

Coogar said it
Girls will be dating their classmates and NYSC camp mates hoping for marriage,rarely does it work out,most times it doesn't
Most women marry men at least 5 years older or more
That is the reality
You can't be a 25 year old girl and pressurizing a 25 year old young man for marriage
He will be ready in 5 years or more for the most part
That is just the naked truth

majekdom2:
how many guys did you date before 23.

Why do you want to know?

FavourGee:
Hello everyone!

I have been dating this guy for a year now, both of us have jobs so I don't ask him for any financial assistance.
for sometime now I have been getting suitors, they are five in number now asking for my hand in marriage but I keep turning them down because I am hoping on my present relationship though the stuborn ones are still disturbing me with marriage proposals.

I decided to let my boyfriend know about them, the response I got from him wasn't satisfactory. From my own understanding he's not ready to settle down any time soon neither did he tell me to wait for him nor propose to me.

I am confused right now, I don't know if I should wait
for him till when he's ready but my fear is what if he never propose. I really love him and I know he loves me too.

Matured advice please.

"Please don't mind my typing skills I am typing through one kpalasa phone"

According to you, you have been dating for a year now.......you said you decided to let him know about them (your suitors) and his response wasn't satisfactory.
Now.........considering the time frame, your guy might still be having doubts if he should head in the direction of marriage with you especially if there are certain issues that both of you are yet to agree on, it might also be finance like some has been saying too cos a guy hates to complain to his woman about financial incapabilities. About you telling him about your suitors.....the response definitely was as a result of how you tabled the matter before him.
No guy wants to be rushed but at the same time, when you're in a relationship, the relationship has to be clearly defined from the onset to prevent doubts and fears and ofcourse it takes someone with real discipline, integrity and the fear of God to do this.
What can you do now?
Tension has been created already, so go down on your kneels first and talk to God about all your fears but that's if you already know Him and He initially okayed the relationship for you.
After that, talk to your man in a very calm and non-desperate manner. Let him be assured that you're not just after marriage, but that you sincerely cherish him. Tell him how boring and empty life would be without having the opportunity to share the rest of your life with him.Let him also know that its okay if he's not ready now but you just want to be sure and aware of his plans in life to know if you're included (I believe that's part of relationship too).Let him see reasons why you are concerned because you're a lady and you dnt have all the time in the world to be living in suspence.
Study his response now and his reactions you should be able to know the next step to take.
Sorry for the long post dear.......ALL THE BEST!!

coache:



According to you, you have been dating for a year now.......you said you decided to let him know about them (your suitors) and his response wasn't satisfactory.
Now.........considering the time frame, your guy might still be having doubts if he should head in the direction of marriage with you especially of there are certain issues that both of you are yet to agree on, it might also be finance like some has been saying too cos a guy hates to complain to his woman about financial incapabilities. About you telling him about your suitors.....the response definitely was as a result of how you tabled the matter before him.
No guy wants to be rushed but at the same time, when you're in a relationship, the relationship has to be clearly defined from the onset to prevent doubts and fears and ofcourse it takes someone with real discipline, integrity and the fear of God to do this.
What can you do now?
Tension has been created already, so go down on your kneels first and talk to God about all your fears but that's if you already know Him and He initially okayed the relationship for you.
After that, talk to your man in a very calm and non-desperate manner. Let him be assured that you're not just after marriage, but that you sincerely cherish him. Tell him how boring and empty life would be without having the opportunity to share the rest of your life with him.Let him also know that its okay if he's not ready now but you just want to be sure and aware of his plans in life to know if you're included (I believe that's part of relationship too).Let him see reasons why you are concerned because you're a lady and you dnt have all the time in the world to be living in suspence.
Study his response now and his reactions you should be able to know the next step to take.
Sorry for the long post dear.......ALL THE BEST!!

Now if this isn't desperation, then I don't know what is.

Why must she plead and beg him to see reason with her? A man who's ready to settle down will be hot on her heels doing the chasing, and not the other way round.

EfemenaXY:


Babymama are we twin sisters??

You've just perfectly captured exactly how it is / was for me too!

Yeah, 23 is a bit early. I married on the eve of my 25th birthday. It's funny now that I think of it. Remembering how both families came together to fix the date(s) and my main concern being that I shouldn't enter my 25th birthday before the D-Day o!

As per kids, spot on again...and a large family at that.

I too have always wondered what it would have really felt like to live the "Miss Independent" life on my own for a couple of years...but yes, I'm glad about the choices I made then. Besides, the courtship had gone on for nearly 2 years. If not for distance and school, we definitely would have married earlier.

(Sigh)...The youths today have got it easy, communication wise. NIPOST mail taking nearly 2-3 months to reach you plus no mobile phones in our time - where owning a landline was a 'big deal'. I used to live for those special Saturday mornings to receive his phone call...lol! With momsie and popsie pretending not to eavesdrop

This is amazing!!
Incidentally my best friend also married at 23 and says the exact same thing
Yes o,those special calls
Then I will go to NITEL to call him early in the morning lol after he left naija
I got married in Nigeria and then he left for Obodo Oyibo a few months later and I joined shortly afterwards

coache:



According to you, you have been dating for a year now.......you said you decided to let him know about them (your suitors) and his response wasn't satisfactory.
Now.........considering the time frame, your guy might still be having doubts if he should head in the direction of marriage with you especially of there are certain issues that both of you are yet to agree on, it might also be finance like some has been saying too cos a guy hates to complain to his woman about financial incapabilities. About you telling him about your suitors.....the response definitely was as a result of how you tabled the matter before him.
No guy wants to be rushed but at the same time, when you're in a relationship, the relationship has to be clearly defined from the onset to prevent doubts and fears and ofcourse it takes someone with real discipline, integrity and the fear of God to do this.
What can you do now?
Tension has been created already, so go down on your kneels first and talk to God about all your fears but that's if you already know Him and He initially okayed the relationship for you.
After that, talk to your man in a very calm and non-desperate manner. Let him be assured that you're not just after marriage, but that you sincerely cherish him. Tell him how boring and empty life would be without having the opportunity to share the rest of your life with him.Let him also know that its okay if he's not ready now but you just want to be sure and aware of his plans in life to know if you're included (I believe that's part of relationship too).Let him see reasons why you are concerned because you're a lady and you dnt have all the time in the world to be living in suspence.
Study his response now and his reactions you should be able to know the next step to take.
Sorry for the long post dear.......ALL THE BEST!!

OP don't try any of this

Rolly83:


Hmm,this your story is too damn similar to mine!!!!

Broz datz wat we go thru, buh its a diff view frm d females angle, african ladies alwayz want an already made man since Cain killed Abel..