₦airaland Forum

andromida: I keep seeing 3rd parties able to convince your wife to go against you even the priest yet you are this good man, who loves his wife so much and has given her everything save his life. This same woman is sooooo religious and yet she stabs you so easily just because her mother who wants to inherit her house pushed her to it. I've not seen you own any mistake in your affairs and dealings with your wife. It doesn't add up.

You are very right. As a matter of fact, I am even more puzzled than you that she has not been able to attribute any tangible fault on my part to her action. When I didn't get something meaningful from her, I contacted her mother twice and on each occasion,she exchanged very warm pleasantries with me and never raised the issue even when I alluded to it.
The fact is that I know my wife is feeble-minded and should not have been left unsupervised with huge sums of money at her disposal but I got so pissed off the day she told me I was poking nose into her finances that I decided to let her be. That freedom is what brought us to this situation.
Going forward, I have recommended complete and unconditional financial openness by both of us as a panacea for the situation and good enough, she has embraced that with both hands now, contrary to her earlier stand on the matter. And of course, the documents are changing to Mr & Mrs like all others before them.

[quote author=soul_glo]Good Lord. You wife is a grown ass woman. First it was the Priest, then it was her mother and now it is friends. Is she the only woman on earth? She built the house because she wanted to. What you should be focusing on is why your wife decided to build a house and outside influences is just not a good enough reason. It's not like you guys got married yesterday.[/quote]If you don't know how lethal the combination of the bolded above can be to any marriage as 3rd Parties, then I wonder what you really know about marriage.

meine: When you see a marriage having problem its either as a result of 3rd parties, sex or money. I hope your wife has learnt her lesson going forward.

You just nailed it.
Her mother (ably supported by some of her sisters and even a brother), some of her friends and some supposed Priests all equal 3rd Parties in this case. This is something I have been preaching to her for ages now but in her somewhat over-religoius mind, she doesn't see things that way, seeing her mother as her confidant and equating Priests with God Almighty. And her mother noticing this flaw is easily able to manipulate her with the aid of some of these Priests. The bad ones among these Priests are also able to manipulate her for some selfish reasons at the detriment of her marriage and when you raise any eye-brow, she is quick to report to her mother who instantly rises in staunch defence of whatever she may have done thereby emboldening her the more.
I think the bible should be re-written to enjoin women too to leave their mothers and cling to their husbands.

ileobatojo: Ok o.

But, if your main concern was for those that wanted to destroy your marriage for no good reason, you could have also directed some words of advice at those that told you to kick her out and all other such nonsense so they too can amend their ways.

By the way, now that you know the reason for her actions, do you care to share it? Cos I've been waiting with you for that part like you asked me to. I will understand if you don't want your wife's advisers to know though.

The reason is baseless actually........... as far as my home and marriage is concerned anyway.
Her friends made her feel insecure and advised her to start having plan B simply because they are having issues in their homes, brainwashing her with "men cannot be trusted". But unlike her, most of the people who advised her have no issues yet in their marriages (we pray for them daily) while those who do have no male children. The husband of one of those who advised her was once rumoured to be fathering a baby outside his matrimonial home (can't verify the story though). Besides, there were those also who had selfish motives to exploit her while pretending to be helping her. I have warned her about all the people involved severally in the past but she wouldn't listen but I am happy she knows better now.

ileobatojo: Sounds to me like the best advice was from the people who actually told you to get her to open up so you can heal faster and that she meant no harm.

By the way, most of those that told you to keep calm are the ones you decided to insult in your post today.

I am sorry if that is the message that my post conveyed but the truth is that my wife is a NLer and has seen this post, we have even discussed some of the responses here together. Most of her friends and people around her who have been pulling the strings behind the scene are NLers too. That is why I adressed the post at them.

For all who genuinely gave unbiased advices, I am sorry if I hurt you by any of my posts. It was not intentional, please forgive me and thank you for all your contributions.

@Chillisauce,Ileobatojo
From the beginning of my post, you will see that I never mentioned divorce or sending her away because of my kids. I only sort help on how to manage the situation especially as I wasn't sure what her intentions were. But after she opened up, I was convinced she meant no harm and that made the whole healing process faster. The best advice was actually from those who asked that I keep my cool and watch. That did the trick.

I can strongly smell some of my wife’s “advisers” on this thread. Please continue in your futile attempts at justifying her ignoble act .

The sad thing for you guys however is that the person you are working so hard to defend has realized her mistakes, opened up completely, apologized and we have both learnt from the incident and have moved on, while plugging all loopholes that led to the incident to forestall a recurrence. We are already planning how to make the Christmas holidays a memorable one for us and our children and you all are still here frantically trying to bring out the supposed wisdom in a foolish advice that was meant to destroy your friend and her marriage rather than help her.

I am sure by now you all must be utterly disappointed to note that the incident has brought us even closer and more united than ever. Well, let me tell you the secret of my marriage today so you don’t waste your time trying to create friction next time: when problems like this arise, that is when we get even closer and more united. We do this by going to mass together, praying together, eating together, sleeping together, laughing over the incident and the roles played by each character together until the problem is over. No matter how heated the argument may be, it doesn't go beyond the surface. That is why she can tell you all now that our home is as peaceful as ever while those of you that ill-advised her are busy running from pillar to post trying to save your faces. We have forgiven you too just like I have forgiven her but please amend your ways before the wrath of God consumes you.

As for the Priest and others like him, I will leave them with Malachi 2, Hosea 4:8-10, Hosea 9:9 and Isaiah 24:2.

ileobatojo: OP, me I'm very interested in the answer to this question. Have you found out yet? You said you opened this thread to teach all of us something, abeg the lesson is not complete until we have this piece of information. Thanks.

No reasons yet, still being apologetic and remorseful while I patiently wait for her to open up. Please join me in the waiting game.

favediva: Comprehension issues??!!! Please try n use your brain a little here. I do not give a damn about his complaints cos the topic to a large extent explains what really happened ....Next time you want to attempt solving a problem, u should try seeking the "probable cause".For every reaction, there is always an action/cause. If this rule was followed, then this thread wouldn't have gotten this long.

This woman did not go directly to the priest because of her plans to build a house. She most likely went to him for counselling, there must have been something wrong with the marriage or do the priests in your village have "helping wives to build houses without their husband's knowledge" as part of their "job description"

You should learn not to swallow everything you are told. Ask the OP for proof that the 8 houses were acquired jointly....n d woman didn't contribute a dime.

Hehehehe, even the few Nigerian movies i watched when i was little has made me so sure that the man's family would "drag the 8 houses" with the woman IF (God forbid) the man dies 2mr.

I saw your posts earlier and decided to ignore but my patience failed me when I saw this last one.
Another man married to this same family is having exactly this same issue as I type. Just like in my case, he got wind of the whole development from outsiders. May be you should ask yourself why every woman from my wife's family doesn't trust her husband, just like their mother never trusted their father.
And by the way, I have a very strong feeling you are one of my wife's sisters!!!

Pattey: Can you ladies please think straight? Is it right for your man to acquire assets in both your names while you acquire yours in YOUR NAME alone.

That is the issue here and the OP isn't even phrasing this right. Anyone that can't address the issue from this perspective is only being cynical, silly, and mischievous. QED

God bless you o my brother. I be phrase am well o if you check the topic again -I say she built without my knowledge and with her name too. But I surprise say as I see the thing for front page, e dey read say she built without my permission when just mentioning it to me was all the permission she needed. In fact, I initially didn't know it was the same thread that I created until I opened it . But that notwithstanding, thanks to oga Seun for providing the platform that led me on to the magic wand that I have been desperately searching for to restore my marriage back to its good old days.

plasgidy: The more we look the less we see and hear and know, good luck shaa and shine ur eyes. But you no tell us how una take setle the matter.

The Matter is still raging like wild harmattan fire between my family, hers and the Priest's superiors, with everyone trying to contain the damage to my marriage & the Priest's career.
As for me, i sit down gidigba for one corner dey tell my wife say "no shaking, this marriage has come to stay but I just want you, your mother and the Priest to feel the heat."
My main reason for involving my family is to let my mother-in-law know that all eyes are now on her just in case she has some devilish motive behind the whole drama because it's obvious she's the ring leader.

I have been playing with my kids since, reciting nursery rhymes with them after we were done with homework. It's been real fun with my angels.
Meanwhile, all those aggression from my wife has suddenly vamoosed from her eyes as I met her in tears when I returned from work. I guess she has been made to realize the gravity of her actions after wider consultations. Will still continue to watch her actions though. The only question I asked her when she came closer was "why did you try to kill me? And as she tried to explain that she had no such plan, I reminded her that what she did could easily have given any man cardiac arrest. And of course, I have stopped eating her food which has made her even more devasted.
I usually don't share experiences on NL but I have gained so much knowledge and have beacome so much wiser through NL that I felt I will be doing NLers a disservice if I don't share this personal experience. The idea is that other men should learn from this and be vigilant in their homes. As a matter of fact, it was a comment from a certain poster that " no woman should ever be trusted, including your wife and mother" on the thread where a pregant married woman was caught in a hotel room with another man that prompted me to do the random check that exposed the deal between my wife and the priest. So, that's the more reason I just couldn't keep things to myself.

Phema: I have always wondered why too. Heaven and orga$m?Seun, fear God oooo. Lol

This really cracked me up

Guyman02: @OP I can understand your feelings, I had a similar experience and it has not been easy. Mine was a situation whereby before we got married I gave my apartment and only car to my wife (then still girlfriend) to live and cruise around while I worked at site and came home periodically.
I made sure she was very confortable with my income as she was earning very little till we got married and we continued to live well as a family and me trying to be the best husband.
Then things started changing when she got a job that paid her well and provided opportunity for things like loans and estacode allowances while my profile has remained almost the same in my work place (yearly small percentage increment)

To my chagrin I got to find out she was paying for a house in an estate with her maiden name and to rub salt into injury she bought a new car and registered it in her maiden name also without informing me. It got so bad that she no longer shows me any respect and I kept feeling miserable in my situation making every effort to work harder and achieve morethan her and in the process even lost more money due to failed investment.
Got sick and went to the hospital and was informed that my BP was getting high and when my family heard it they were apprehensive and I had to open up to them what I was facing.
I had to abandon my home for her for some period and went to a different location to live with a very nice friend of mine to try and get my BP down and think of way forward.
Her mother has realy being a bad influence on her as she was the one who encouraged her to take the actions she took. Following intervention and for the sake of our children I returned home even without her acknowledging that what she did was wrong.
I have tried to swallow the humilation which is what you are also going through now.

I wish I could boast of your achievements listed, but I have little to show even though I have worked so hard and the story around is that I am envious of my wife achievement and her money (but thats not true). Seems like no one wants to know how I feel inside. I can guess the area that your wife comes from as this is rampant among women from that area.
I grew up in the North where you learn to take issues of money and wealth with gentility but she grew up in their area where a lot of emphasis is placed on money and wealth.

Please dont allow yourself to get sick cause of worrying about her action as that may be deadly, remove your mind from her actions and focus it on your children, business and faith, dont worry about the Priests action as he may have acted innocently or even if it is intentional.
You can take a break from the house and go visit a different location for a short vacation to allow for things to cool down.
I hope she comes back to her senses which is also my wish in my own family and keep praying for God to intervene in your situation. Good luck.

Thanks and God bless you. Best of luck too. Cheers.

This thread has greatly lightened my heart, many thanks to all the contibutors.

@Chillisauce, GoodFaith
Wetin nau? Why una dey drink panadol for my head-ache like this nau? Oya, make una no fight again. I no dey vex again, I don forgive my wife.

texaco1: see gobe ,
omo see gobe ooo
baby ur back is killer i can feel it .........opps
sorry

I'm dancing skelewu here instead.

Chillisauce: Hmmm, OP, make you no go give your wife kpokiyo o

I would rather run than do that.

ileobatojo: If she wants to eliminate you and take over your properties, why would she first waste her own money to build a new house when she could have just fed you some kpokiyo right away and be done with it?

I miraculously survived some suspicious "kpokiyo" as you put it early last year It's still a mystery to everone including me how I survived it Not saying my wife or mother-in-law is responsible ooo just saying what happened last year o

texaco1: na magun (thunderbolt) dem go give the op
no medical explanation .

Bros, I jump am pass which is why I am here to get ideas on all possible scenarios and be cautious. Thanks for all your great posts so far

jp philips: the moment my husband (if i am a woman) start hanging out by 2am with bachelors while ogling all the ashawos in lagos that moment he wont even know the school his kids are attending let alone when a house is built.
make no mistakes, something spooked her to make a contingency plan, the OP is economical with the truth and the fact that they have jointly owned assets in the past proves that point.
OP should say what he or his people did to spook his 10yr old marriage. people don't just hide when nothing is freighting them. joining forces with her mum equally suggests that the monster is from inside not external.
what will your daughter tell you as the mum and you suggest she should own assets separately from the hubby? that is where the truth lies

Well, in case you don't know, there is a precedence in that family already. The mother lived with her father that way and when the bubble bursted just like it did now, her father couldn't survive the shock. This is a confirmed story which we have even discussed severally, both of us concluding that her mother was wrong. I got to know about 6yrs after we were married which made me to be extra-vigilant resulting in these revelations and some sharp practices among the so-called Priests. So, for her to go ahead despite knowing the implicatation tells me she's up to something. I understand some other married sisters of hers are towing same line already with full support from her mother.

Chillisauce:

OP. thinking his wife might kill him and acquire his property. ThankGod the woman knows the husband very well.

Your true colour is showing.

Naija men, I hail o

I opened this thread the very day I started feeling this way and that was yesterday. Reason? Because of this secret asset I stumbled upon.

manie: You know all these and still decided to marry someone from that part of the country.

My greatest undoing was that I assumed I was dealing with a very religious family because of their age-long association with priests.

May be you guys don't know but in the part of the country where my wife and I come from, this thrend is very common among married women. They either wait to buid their houses without the husband's knowledge or immediately the man completes a house, they eliminate him and start answering "Landlady". I may say am luckier than most men who have owned houses from that part of the country because most of them don't usually live to open the houses they built (sic). That is where I am really worried because I don't have the full script that my wife, her mother and the Priest are playing. The Priest may have acted innocently but I can't be too sure of my wife and her mother here.

jp philips: personally, i don't see any problem, the OP is simply paranoid, im glad you admitted a lot of men have failed their families, a married man will be outside his matrimonial home by 2:00am drinking beer with bachelors and manchelors, arguing stupid soccer while oogling all the hotties around (not the case with the OP), yet, they have a family at home, are they the kinda husbands their wives do things without consulting them?
what exactly does most Nigerian men have to offer these days?

I will not blame the OP's wife if she chooses not to consult a hubby she believes is mentally incompetent.

there is no problem here OP go home to your family.

You're very correct. I am paranoid really and I mentioned that in one one of my posts earlier today but not because she built the house as you are insisting, it is simply because I was not informed. I am not sure you're married cos you're commenting like one frustrated divorcee who is regretting not holding on to the poo his wife was giving him then. And talking of mental competence, there's is hardly anything my wife doesn't seek my opinion on, including issues related to her work, becuase she respects the quality of advice she gets from me which is why I was surprised she could go solo in this case.
In marriages, the best way to go about issues is to place the blame where it rightly belongs. That way, forgiveness becomes easier.

manie: @ OP, if your wife inherited a house from her father or mother what will you ask her to do with the property. Will you tell to keep it or sell the property?

KEEP THE PROPERTY of course!!! Why would she sell her property when she is not in any financial crisis? In fact, landed properties and buildings are the last things I will ever advise anyone to sell no matter what. It's her property and she must keep it but courtesy demands that she lets her husband know she has such property.

manie: It is very obvious that the OP does not have a house of his own.

If your wife told you that she wanted to build a house, will you approve and support your wife.

I assisted my wife with negotiation for building materials and workmanship when she was building her house, the financial independence of wife was the driving force that catalyzed me to succeed more than my wife even though when we first got married the rental income she was generating from the house she inherited from her late mother was more than my annual salary.

At 34, I already owned storey buildings and bungalows from my sweat and you are here doubting if I owned building or not 5 yrs after. I leave you to keep guessing. That is the least of my problem now.

Mintayo: what are you saying sire,you are not making any sense(no offence).
Can you try and read the last post of the Op?
@Op,it is a serious issue,with your mother-in-law involve,with her being aggressive even after apologizing,it is a serious issue,something is not right somewhere,you need wisdom to resolve,I hop it has not gotten to the point where you will tell your wife to choose btw you and her mother+the building+the priest.
God will give you wisdom,i am seeing a redlight o.

It hasn't gotten to that extent but I am seriously weighing that as an option now especially with her sudden aggression and keeping mute. I may have to make some unpopular decisions and call everyone's bluff soon. Not an easy call though but it's on the table already.

Chillisauce: https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/rulez/t2036.gif





At post, OP has already consulted family ASAP. I see that the woman is scared of tomorrow.

Okija juju also nailed it, for one to build a house is not a days thing. OP, check yourself

You don't know how these things are done.
Woman resumes in the office, sends money into Priest's account with clear instructions on how to go about the job and she retires home to her family without any call from the Priest until the following day may be. The buiding is located away from the city where she lives with her family and she doesn't visit to see progress but relies on pictures from her mother and the Priest (may be) and you are here saying "check yourself" If you were in my shoes, how would you have checked yourself? Mind you, this is a woman that has blatantly refused to let you know how much she now earns or how much grants, loans, etc that she has in her possession saying you're are trying to poke nose into her finances.

@chaircover
I have tried to respond to your questions to the best of my ability with the bolded comments below.

Have you given her any reason to doubt your faithfulness to her and she feels that she can be traded in for another model any time soon.
Well I am always blunt on issues but not to the extent of threatening her with another mistress except may be in her imagination.

When you were earning 8X than her, was she given any say in how you spent your money and was she involve in decisions and did she have free access to that money or she had to justify or ask you for money severally for each penny you gave her.
The money was "our" money, that was the policy and I made sure she had equal say in the whole decision making process. We always agree on the best decision together.

When you were purchasing/building your own properties was she involved in it even though she wasn’t putting money down to give her a sense of belonging. Was she able to pick and choose things, eg colour schemes so she sees it as "our" house rather than "your" house?
She was fully involved. She always signed as my witness on all our deeds of conveyance. She decides on most things while I execute

Do you say things like “my house” “ I will chase you out of my house” “ I don’t want Jack or Jill in my house”?
It's always our house, our money, etc. But when she became more financially bouyant, she introduced the concept of "my money" which devasted me the very first day I heard it from her. That was about the first time I used the phrase "I will not take this in this house". I think I have used it freely anytime I notice any untoward behaviour ever since

In what names are your current properties? If God forbid you die today, will she have compete access to all those properties or will your family tussle it with her and make her homeless. Who is your next of kin?
All in our names i.e. Mr & Mrs Lagbaja I kept the documents in an open place where we both have access to them. We don't have tussle over properties in my family. It's not a polygamous home and I have a lot of landed properties from my parents that I even don't know some. I advised my father the other time to sell off some of them I am not sure I can trace them if he's gone. My son from my wife is the heir apparant to all these properties including the one my wife and I have jonlty acquired. She is my next of kin on all my documents till date.

Does she get on with your family?

Of late, she doesn't get on well with my family because of some issues that emanated from the actions of some of these Priests around her in the past.

As her husband what have you encouraged her to do with all the money that she is now earning? or did you expect it to just sit in the bank or to be used on frivolities.
I have engaged her severally on the need to maximize the opportunity presented by her new financial status all to no avail. I stopped raising the issue the day she blatantly told me I was "poking nose" into her finances.

What is the general health state of your relationship until now?

It's been very smooth until like 2yrs back when I started challenging some of her changes in attitude

Does she feel comfortable and relaxed within the relationship ie she has given you both male and female children?

Yes she has

If she had come to you and asked for permission to build the house, would you have agreed

Of course I would have agreed and would have even handled the job because I have a lot of good builders that I have used in tha past. She knows most of them as well

Re the pastor issue . . .that I don’t subscribe to and that man shouldn’t have gotten involved in that or found a way to let you know from the onset. Men of God should not take sides and definitely shouldn’t do anything that will jeopardise a marriage. They should be fixing and not breaking.
Thank you. Surprisingly, the same Priest declared us husband and wife about 10 yrs ago proclaiming "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder". Hilarious! Isn't it? I wish it was possible for me to vomit the communion and wine he gave me that day on his face now.

You say that she has asked for forgiveness. Is it genuine? If it is genuine have you asked her to honestly tell you why she took those steps.
Initially, she sounded genuine with her pleas for forgiveness. But right now perhaps after some consultations she's cooking up lies to justify her action, not willing to discuss the issue and becoming aggressive at the same time

You need to know the “why” so you know what you are dealing with. If you are satisfied with her answers, then you both bridge the gaps and move on.

She's not talking yet. Have engaged her like four times since I raised the issue. She was remorseful and apologetic at first with a promise to open up later but now, is becoming aggressive and keeping mute


I would however say to watch what she does with the house. If she is genuinely sorry, she will hand over the keys to the house and tell you to take over the maintenance/collect rent/look after the house even though the house remains in her name.

Really not interested in the building but just want to know that rational behind her not informing me cos I fear she may have some more shockers in the waiting especially with her now aggressive approach to the issue

SHAAWA: @Op so your wife is the villain in the story? How many men consult their wives when buying houses and cars for the other woman/girlfriend? thank God you know the source of her income we wud have hearing a different story.

All I needed from her was just to be notified and nothing more. There is no reason on earth that would have made me not to grant her my approval eacept may be I don't have the money readily available which doesn't apply in this situation. The building took her exactly one year to complete and she never bothered to inform me until I found out myself. The main issue there is that she has betrayed trust and loyalty in my marriage that I now deeply fear for my safety. If I have assurance that she means no harm, then I have no issue with the building or any of her other investments that I may not be aware of. But unfortunately, she's not talking and some key members of the family who are trying to savage the situation are saying she is neither picking no returning their calls as well. We can't make any meaningful progress here without communication.

I woke up in the middle of the night with my wife by my side and suddenly, the thought of "she could have killed you while you were sleeping" or "she could have set the house on fire", etc, etc, filled my mind! The only thing that didn't make me jolt out of bed in horror was that when I looked at her face, she was fast asleep! In fact, I am more confused now than I was when I created this thread. Aahh! NLers, una don drive me paranoid . But funny as it may seem, the issue is really not a laughing matter!