₦airaland Forum

Seun, this isn't bad at all. Great story. It seems somewhere between a novel and a play. If it's a play, you need to add more "props" to it.

Actually, it reads like those radio plays my dad used to force us to listen to from the BBC back in the days. Cool stuff man, good quality.

I read Eragon, and then I stopped. I'm a massive fantasy buff, but I found Eragon a bit light and feathery, I go more for the hard, tough stuff (lord of the rings, Robert Jordan: Wheel of time, GRR Martin Song of Fire and Ice, etc).

I may one day pick it up and read it, but for now, I'll pass.

Const. I totally feel you, honestly I do. Maybe I was a bit heavy handed in my initial appraisal. I still think you may need to get some more work done with that novel though, what you sent seemed a bit filmy and bland to me,

But then again, I'm not your publisher. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Hi Beneli,
there were some "structural" irregularities that I came across very often. Below are some examples:

1 - We had been parked for a few minutes: Rather vague expression of time.
Is this "few minutes" a long time or a short time? I suggest you emphasize the few minutes with yet another adjective eg "We had only been parked for a few minutes" for a short time, or "we had now been parked for a few minutes" to signify the writers impatience with the length of time


2 -The driver of a white Mercedes Benz who was parked beside my uncle
It's the Benz that is parked, so this should read the driver of a benz "THAT" was parked,

3 the droning of the torrential downpour
Drone? Lagos rain doesn't drone - a bee drones. A wasp drones. I suggest you find another descriptor to describe the rain. How about the crashing of the torrential downpour, or the heave staccato/rythm of the torrential downpour

4 My luggage was in the boot of my uncles car and I was unsure of how I was going to get at it under the torrential down pour.
This is a repetition of an earlier paragraph where the character was wondering how to avoid getting wet

5“I’ll probably get that porter over there in the raincoat to help out with the luggage
Wrong choice of word - probably. Since the character had made a decision, it should be I'll try and get.

This is a nice story, and is a bit catching. It also contains some of the expectation that every good story should contain. However, at the moment, you need to work on the structure, when you use words, try and visualise the situation, and avoid ambiguities. You also more than once described the same situation.

Apart from that, excellent stuff!