₦airaland Forum

Don't give up. I feel your pain. I would say just try as much as possible to enjoy your live and live it fully. I would suggest for you to involve yourself in things that you enjoy. You can't really look for love, it is most likely to come into your life when you are busy living it.

I would also say don't give your heart so quick. Take it easy and get to know people. Real love come with knowing someone and accepting that person for who they are. Please don't go looking. Because you will always find someone that isn't good. Please just do everything that interest you.

Don't give your heart until you know the person is in to you. Love develops over time, from mutual respect. You can't love someone in a few months. Real love is developed slowly. Why don't you start just being friends with various women. You don't have to have a romantic interest in them. Sometime great relationships can follow. Good luck and don't give up.

Ollie,

What you described sounds like Nigeria.  It is amazing how y'all romanticize naija. 

I can understand you a bit.  I would not want my children raised in Nigerian society.  I would not want them naijarized. 

I would actually home school them myself if we had to live in Nigeria for any length of time.  They will no that they are African Americans. They are the descendents of a various African people, i.e. the ibo, yoruba, Mandinka, bambara, woloof, fante, Kisse, Gola, Mende, Ewe, fon, bakongo, etc. They have no allegience to any African nation or group.  They are Americans.  They will have a thorughly knowledge of our peoples greatness and accomplishments and what we have and continuously are contributing to  the world. We will go home ever summer so they can know their relatives and become acculturized.

Children generally pick on the weaker kids. This is how my mama handle it. She told us don't pick a fight or bother somebody. But if someone puts their hands on you, you better kick their asses or try hard. If not, she will put a whup ass on us for not defending ourselves.

Once your son fights back, the bully usually backs off. However, if they see that your son is a weakling, they are going to torment him.

You may almost talk with the school to arrange a meeting with the principal and the parent(s). I know I would not tolerate my child harassing another child.

Why are you on here asking a bunch of strangers?  Why don't you just simply ask your man?

By the way, is he a legal citizen?

You are an American, not an ethnic African.  You behave the same way you would behave if you greet man who mama was borned and bread in Ameria.  If she is really friendly, she might greet you with a hug.  If you sense hugging isn't appropriate, a simple handshake would surfice.  I think this greet is pretty universal in the world.

Again, why are you asking a bunch of strangers?  I am a black Amerian too.  You are an American.  If you are respectful to adults normally, don't change what you are now currently doing.  You are not an ethnic African, so you should not feel the pressure to succumb to any cultural norms.

How in the hell some strange man gonna be your fiance? That is some crazy mess. Why would he be bothered with you, when he surrounded by beautiful girlsl, which I am sure he is sexing at least a few. Use your friggin come sense. These guys sit back and laugh about the suckers they have bled or going to bleed.

These yahoo and hotmail boys live in the internet cafes in dating sites and such looking for desperate, lonely women.  These guys are unemployed and looking for a meal ticket.  Have you ever consider why he isn't romancing some African woman in Senegal.  Simply. She doesn't have the western citizenship.

Dateline a couple of months did a story on people who were in love with internet strangers.  The strangers professed their undying love, and even go the suckers to send stolen merchandise to various countries at their expense.  I just say there some really lonely people out there.

Don't be surprise if he ask can he send you a certified check.  He just wants you to deposit it in your account.  Of course, you can take 10%, but send him the rest.  Of course, the check is counterfiet.

Don't be surprise if he give you a sad story that requires you or suggest that you send money.  The scams are numerous.  You going to be 419ed.  However, it appears that emotionally you are already bamboozled.

I would suggest black Americans women consult with as many Black Americans women as possible who have had the experience to give the the "what to look for and how not be taken!"

I have know too many women who have been robbed, and royally screwed over. You better watch you back. Don't go into these situations blinding. These men got some serious game.

Lelia,

I hope your marriage is the real thing. But just to keep your eyes open, if you have to help him file his papers, then this is in all probability the reason he married you. It is good that he takes you home with him. But you have to know, often the family are a part of the scam. They will benefit if he is able to get his papers.

I am not saying this is the type of man he is, but many are truly foul. They play the game so well. These men are some serious cassanovas and know how to work their prey.

My intention is not to cause you distress. But I have seen so many women ruin by these men. So be mindful. Don't let "Ise love him so much blind you!" Good luck.

Mathways,

Are you suggesting that men who aren't new to it are good at it. If so, I beg to differ. There are many men who have been doing it for a while and still not good at it.

I suggest if she is really into the guy she talk with him. If he doesn't improve within a resonable time, lets say, a month, then kick him to the curb gentle.

There is nothing worse than doing it with a man who don't know what he is doing or a selfish lover. Since she is not a prostitute, getting paid, she is in it for pleasure. So if you are not specifically procreating or selling it, she want's to get to the mountain top. I tell you the view is wonderful.

Honey go on and climb that mountain. You may have to do it without him. But be gentle, if he is gentle.

A cronic liar isn't a small problem. This is a serious character flaw. I see this as a mental flaw. You have to decide for yourself what you will and will not tolerate. How can you trust someone who lies.

If the man really cares for you, he will not ask you to change who you are. This is a guick way to misery. Please don't change who you are to make anyone feel comfortable with themselves.   Y'all can compromise.  But he has to be willing to meet you half way.  Please don't adjust who you are for him.  Compromise. Good luck. You come with your own history and culture. Don't you dare give it up for anyone. Remember compromise.

I have had male friends who I would never consider getting physical with on no occasion. I woman knows within five minutes of meeting a man, generally, if she would have relations with him some where in the future. If there is no sexual chemistry, nothing between us will never happen. I simply don't find most men sexually attractive. I would say I find 1 out of 10 men physcially appealing.

Physical attraction is the first thing you notice about a person. This has to exist if there is to be any physical intimacy. I think the girl's attitude is normal. Most of us would not be interested in a physically challenged person, just because looks are very important.

If it was a paper marriage, there is no such thing as cheating.  I think the guy went in for papers, but got emotionally involved.  Of course, he ego may be in the way.  The problem with men having a hard time getting over their lovers doing other men is the "fear" that the other man is a better sexual partner and comparisons might be made.  He may come up on the short end. Naija men tend to have this grand sense of themselves as men. So their egos are very fragile. He probably can't get out his head another man giving you pleasure.

Basically, try to work it out if you can, if you really love and care for the man.  However, after a while of getting no positive response, then the ball is in your court, and if you decide on divorce, there is nothing he can do to stop it.

The question is should she marry you? What do you bring to the table that would make you an asset to her? What are you workin' with? It would appear that if she marries you, you are getting a better deal, than her marrying you.

If he was raised to be respectful to a woman and a gentleman. This will come natural to him. Otherwise, he is just frontin'. He has an agenda.

Yeah he want divorce you until he gets his papers.  If doesn't get his papers, he has to start over again with someone new. This could take years. He is simply workin' his plan. As soon as he gets his papers, he is gonna burn rubber.

I don't see anything wrong in your behavior.  If this was a paper marriage, certainly both of you could get your freak on with whom ever you want, of course, discretion is required.

Tell,

You just made a bad choice.  I do believe some naija men abuse you, and throw up their culture.  So I guess being abusive to their women is a culture thing.  Are you African?  Naija culture is strickly man dominated.  You should just be glad you had the strength to move on.  It is not healty to be with an abusive person.

Absolutely, do not allow him to interact with your daughter outside of the US.  He will steal your daughter if he has the chance.  His family will also support him in such behavior. 

He is simply humuliated that you left him and embarrassed him before his friends and family.  He is not the big man he wants everyone to believe, since he wasn't able to control his wife.  It is all an ego thing with him. I find a lot of Naija men have this totally false perception of who they are.  They make themselves be way more than they are.  I can relate to this experience.  I think it is their culture that creates false pride.

Of course, you want your daughter to have a father, but what kind of father.  Do you think you are good mother if you allow your daughter to grow up seeing you abused?  You are showing her how to be treated by a man.  I don't believe you should keep a man just to have a man. 

Have you thought about limiting the contact you have on the internet?  Why would you engage him if he is disrespecting you?  Do you think you have become accepting of such behavior?

Yes, file for divorce immediately.  Don't let it drag on.  Did you legally marry him in the states?  If so, he doesn't have to be present to end the marriage.  I am assuming of course, you are threw with him.

There is life after divorce.  There is also a chance that you might find a better man one day who will love you and your child.  Life is short.  Before you know it, you are a corpse.

Please inform your family and friends of the situation.  You may even have to notifiy the police.

I have heard your story before.  Believe me, you are not the only American woman going through this.  You can recover your life and sanity. 

You need to get on the net a find internet groups that focus on American women and foreign men, particularly African, more specifically Naija. You can get a lot of information. Whe you talk about Naija men in a Naija site, and it is usually not flattering, they get very defensive. So if you can find American women groups who have and are having various experiences with these men, you will have some support.

Of course, love for a child is unconditional and permanent. Love for a spouse is generally conditional and not always permanent.

Check out my post in the Ibo/Egypt thread in culture.  

The guy is a historian on the African presence on the planet.  He is a world travelor too. http://www.cwo.com/~lucumi/runoko.html

Lawd this "osu" is so bush.  I can't believe 21st century people are still into this non-sense. Unfortunately, if you live in a society that believes in this kind of thing. You may have to think hard.

He knows you are still into him emotionally.  I man 31 years should know what he wants.  He wants to use for sex, until someone else come along.  Honey this is how it works.  When meets her, he is going dump you.

If you take him back, he will know that you are weak and treat you accordingly. Girl you got to love yourself more than any man.

Great books to read:

The Exiled Egyptians:  The Heart of Africa by Moustafa Gadalla
Egypt Revisited (Journal of African Civilizations) by Ivan Van Sertima
Black Women in Antiquity (Journal of African Civilizations) by Ivan Van Sertima
The Destruction of the Black Civilizations: Great Issues of Race from 4500 B.C. and 2000 AD By Chancellor Williams
The African Origin of Civilization:  Myth or Reality by Cheikh Anta Diop
The Mis-Education of the Negro by Carter G. Woodson
The Myth of the Exodous and the Genesis and Exclusion of their African Origins by  Yosef Ben Jochannnan
They Came Before Columbus by Ivan Van Sertima
Black Skins, White Mask by Frantz Fanon (affects of colonization of world's colored people)
The Wretched of the Earth by Frantz Fanon(how to de-colonialized your mind formerly colonized people)
Stolen Legacy - G.M. James George
The Africans Who Wrote the Bible:  Nana Banchie Darkwah

These books are written by people of African descent.  The conquerors always right their version of history to glorify themselves.  The history of Africa will be told correctly when people of African descent tell their story.  The Exiled Egyptians would be a good read to start off with, then Black skins, and The Mis-Education of the Negro.

Jen,

I know about the Ijebu earthworks.  I tried to get a tour of it when I was in the area.  The guard wasn't on duty.  The jungle has basically taken it over.  It is amazing.  It is unfortunate when I asked Naijas about it, they  know nothing ot it.  I am like dang.  You have this great ancient monument in your back yard and you have no knowledge of it.   I think the main problem is their colonial education that basically says they are nothing and the Europeans are wonderful.  Black Skins, White Masks speaks to the challenge. 

I am sort of strange in that I love old things, except men, of course.  I remember traveling somewhere in Naija and I saw this strange looking tree I have never seen before. It was most beautiful, humongous tree.  I had to stop and get a good look at it, and take pictures.  I was fascinated.  I knew the tree have to be at least 500 years old.  I was just thinking about all the people who eyes gazed at it and all those who will gaze on it 500 years from now. 

You are right.  I think outsiders will have to give recognition.  Naijas don't have an appreciation for such things generally.  There is even some who suggest that the Queen of Sheba was a Yoruba, not an Ethiopian.

Y'all,

Study and read for yourself.  You know longer have to be ignorant or misinformed.   The information is out there.  Recognized that you have been purposely mid-educated.  It serves others well when you are.

NaijaKing,

You are right.  History is important.  The Europeans have fabricated history and most of you guys believe every word they say or have written in their books.  I personally believe you are an empty vessel if you don't know your history.  

You are also right about the present day inhabitants of a land doesn't mean they were inhabitants of the land 1000 years ago.  People migrate.  For example, if you go to Egypt today, the population there today aren't the descendents of those who built the pyramids.  The folks who built these monuments were black Africans, and the population probably looked more like present day Black America.  Another excellent example,  how many full blooded indians do you see on the regular in America? Are not they the original inhabitants of the land that crossed the Bearing Straits hundreds of years ago from Asia?  

The point is it is not necessary to create a history.  The ancient Egyptians were of various African stock.

Sadly what Black Mama said about the color caste. TThe color caste goes like this, which is enforced and supported by Naija: whites are the top dog. Near whites. Asians and other lighter skinned people, the African is at the bottom of the color caste. Naijas are fascinated with lighter skinned people. So you will probably, through your husband, benefit from white privelege.


A half caste in the states is called a half breed, a mut, a mongrel, which means someone who isn't a pure bred. The political correct term to someone's face is biracial/mixed. To use any of these terms is considred an insult. It is funny the terms we come up with for things that have existed for ages. Black Americans have been mixed for almost 400 years, yet we are well aware that we are the descendents of Africans. You can be high, high yellow to blue black in black American society.

Do you know that during slavery many of our people were whiter than the whites? The condition of the mother is the condition of the child.

Bioye,

When a man insertsh is bare penis into a woman's vagina, ejaculates, without a condom, he gives his consent. He is fiancially responsible for that child. I would make him pay. He would not get away free. If he did not want a child, then he he should have taken the necessary percautions to prevent prenancy.

Yes I agree that this woman is too old to be so stupid. Like someone said Naija men often have multiple woman, with the consent of their families. He is lying.

Sistah,

The best thing is to ask a Black American who has spent some time in Naija, that if you want a truthful answer.

I will just say this.  Naija is a pretty economically desperate country.  There are no jobs.  That is why Naijas are scattered on the four corners of the earth.  It is lawless and has no real government.  In addtion, absolutely nothing works, and life is of very little value. It is not a country where you can feel really free.  You have to constantly watch your back.

Question:  How are you going to support yourself?  Don't leave the US unless he has provided a house that you own in the US.  Don't follow no man blindly.  If thing don't work out, you want to be able to pack your bags and go back home to your house that is your.  Don't use any of your money you earned to buy any properties and finance in house building.  If he wants the house, let him do it.  You must save and keep your separate money in a US bank.

The only kind of job you can get in Naija is worth something is with a multinational, US government, or and NGO.  You want to have the job before you step foot in Naija. 

Naija is a very harsh society with some extreme poverty and a very few rich. 

Don't go into such a situation blindly.  I would suggest you visit Naija with your man as much as possible.  If you stay at least a month, this will be good.  AFter two weeks of suffering, you should get past the newness and tourist stage.  You will get an idea of how every day life is lead. 

It will be a culture shock and you want have an opportunity to commune and socialize with your own people.  There are too few there.  So you will be immersed in their world, and some of their cultural practices may not set too well with you. 

I felt the need to respond because you seem as if you are at that starry eyed stage.  You can really get screwed over if you don't get your head out of the clouds.

Google and try to find blogs and sites where western women talk about their experiences with Naija men.  It will be a sure fire eye opener. 

Does your man have his papers?  If not, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is probably the main reason he is with you.

Nigeria is a very harsh place to live in if you have lived in the west.  Their are absolutely no conveniences.  I mean none.  It is purely third world.

I am a sistah, and I would not lie to my sistah.  Please take your blinders off and protect yourself.

Girl, me and my AAs friends who have visited Naija all agree, it is a hell hole. However, I visit there regularly. But I would never live there. Life is too short to suffer.


P.S.

In Naija culture, the man buys the house, the car, and all of the major needs of the family. Don't let him fool you into going half with him on these things. He would never dare ask a Naija woman to go half. He will use his money to finance other people and things.

Anyone who tells you otherwise, I would distance myself from them. They are dangerous.

Your feelings are quite natural. Loving someone doesn't mean you are not sexually attracted to other people. It is all in how you decide to handle it.