₦airaland Forum

A lot of people have given constructive advice.

I am guessing you are in the States or Canada but even here in the UK childcare for Children under 5 is one of the biggest( if not the biggest self) issue that faces working parents. I can feel you both BUT one thing is clear and that is sacrifices and compromises must be made. Its either you pay through your nose for a registered trained child care provider(very painful I know the feeling when the DD used to leave my account every month but na who send me born pikin ) One day I calculated how much we have paid for child care so far and that finally sealed my decision on no more children cos I cant imagine doing it all again. Me sef wan build mansion for naija But sadly as you are replacing childcare, extra curricular takes over

One or both of you ( again I don't know how it works states or Canada) could ask for flexible working so that even if they will still be with a child care provider it will be for less hours and thereby cheaper. Problem is this might mean a pay cut. I would always prefer a registered child care provider and I had people telling me I was wasting money when I could pay someone £10 a day but our priorities in life are different I guess. Those 'nannies or child minders' save money but are they really worth it in the long run

How are we even sure the person from Nigeria who is also not a trained childcare person might not go down the Nollywood route when you are not home as well? Childcare from a certain age is more than just finding someone that stay with the child. I think your daughter needs to start getting stimulated and don't underestimate the amount of learning children need to get from play. So play at this stage needs to be intentional so they are learning.

Staying and looking after lil children can be mentally exhausting and when are you not trained or being paid well to do it believe me the easiest thing to shut them up is what you will go for. And one way to do that that is plonking them in front of TV all day long. These ones are not even viewing child appropriate programs so its even worse.Even with my own child it took a conscious effort to take my son out to play centres,parks,museums etc cos some days all you just want them to do is sleep.Or put them in front of an Ipad or TV and get stuff done.

A 3 year old is different from an infant who just sleeps and eats. That child needs to interact,play and engage in mentally stimulating activities. The stimulus she is receiving at the moment is what she is playing out.

SMH at all the comments on this thread


OP well done you have done very well. I wish NL had the clapping emoticon. I know how much hard work, discipline it takes to lose weight.

Maybe mix up your cardio routine( skipping) with some strength training now that you have lost the weight.

Again well done and please don't let all the negative words get to you.

double post

armyofone:
Thank you babes. Sigh...i will add steam spinach and broccoli ti my meals. I'm already a fan of veggies. I will also start using the ferrous S at night instead of mornings.
I'm gonna put on an armour as I meet with her soon
The unriped plantain here is arrrrrrggggg but I will still get it.
Efe you know those sweet green unriped plantain we have back home...

You will be fine dear

bellong:
Hello all,

This is to inform you all that all bills have been paid. Lola will be discharged on Sunday. This brings a closure to her case.

I don't know how to appreciate you enough but to say that you will never lack help when you need it and may God bless your generation and children children..

Thanks to you all for making it happen and giving our sister opportunity to live a normal life.

Praise God .

Thank you Lord for letting this end in praise.

Thank you bellong for being a friend in need and God bless you too.

OP you need to be assertive and it might take a few confrontations which she will try to change to 'you are carrying your husband on your head' but believe me with time it will sink in.

Just create certain boundaries and with time she will adjust. You will be firm, not apologetic but not rude. My mum really hates when I am like that but at the end na she dey apologise cos she knows I am not falling for it( I used to it in the past ) but I guess age bestows a certain ' 'I am my own person' grace on you. Me tell my mother no , not happening but now I wanna tell her no die

One thing I will like to ask though is not to make it a topic of discussion with your husband. It takes wisdom but you have to create those boundaries without getting him involved because if he does, He will get all the blame for it.

Good luck Naija mums and emotional blackmail Sometimes they don't mean harm but its left to you to decide how you will react to it.

I am really hoping and trying to curb myself so I don't do the same to my kids I think I wont sha cos I don dey mentally prepare myself from now.

Kimoni:
Hahahhahaha the comments on this thread sef...

OP, it's probably true like Mbj said that your guy might not be as rich as you think. Sometimes, it's not about where you work but about who you are where you work. Also, remember this are not the best of times for oil workers, I hear some oil companies are far behind in salaries...

Then you could also have probed further to trace the root of his rants. He could be heavily indebted without telling you so he truly may not be able to afford any luxury right now. The fact that he is even borrowing money from you to fuel his car and complaining when his own blood relatives need money from him shows he is not really what you think he is, at least right now.

As per he saying you should carry your hair for 3 months and not giving you tfare; that's really low of him but again, it's possible he just doesn't know how to manage his present 'brokenness' with you.

These are possible scenarios and it might not necessarily be correct but if your mind is not made up about him yet, you might try to get to the root of his problem. If he is truly in a bad state now and you leave him, he would also believe you left him for a richer guy which would technically correct.

His friends say you should consider his good sides; unfortunately, you didn't highlight any of this good side, doesn't he have any? maybe that would have helped in accessing him more objectively but your account of him was really skewed, hence the popular comments on this thread. Recall you mentioned in your opening sentence that you just started observing these traits in him, so what changed?

Ultimately, if his issues are of great concern to you and you are not able to cope, it's better you take a walk now and find someone more compatible but I would advise that you satisfy yourself you left him because it's he is a truly a "stingy koko" and he's not just passing through a temporary phase.

Stingy koko you and Ewuro are just taking me back home this early momo with all the slangs and phrases

I miss Naija meen

Spot on and balanced post .

Nothing brings on some naija guys venom like 3 of the words mentioned in the OP. (some of them are stingy kokos though make we no lie)

jashar:
'for the wife....'

Na wa ooohhh!!!!!

Some topics you just see and they make you feel weak.

I give up.

Point of Clarification : A husband doesn't /won't go to the market 'for his wife', he will go/ goes to the market for his home.

Simples..

tearoses:
Bro MBJ love is a beautiful thing and there is no way that giving wont be involved
Sorry but you just have to make sacrifices in a relationship for the one you love
No birthday gift no matter how small is sending the signal that you are not important

The fact that he is constantly broke oil worker or not needs to be investigated and is a danger sign
Does he gamble?
Have another babe he is committed to?
Owes people money?
Being blackmailed?
Lying about his job status.....Yes people do

If the girl knew why he was always broke, then maybe she would be more understanding
Something is not right somewhere and she is right to be concerned
Not just blindly go ahead and marry him and then start disturbing her pastor, friends and family 3 months down the line
She is doing the right thing by voicing this out now.

He is probably not even broke sef just trying to 'test' her .

I do know that some naija gals take the whole 'taking care of me' thing too far same way I think some guys take the whole 'I don't want to be a maga thing' a bit too seriously. The OP is being attacked cos she mentioned some red words

Oil and Gas,
Hair
T Fare
Recharge Card

Those are maga dictionary words

I personally don't believe a boyfriend( husband sef) paying for a hair is caring or a big deal but that's just me. I wont even hint at it and never do/did cos my rationale is my hair is on my head. I think in all the years of knowing and being married to my husband he has only ever paid for my hair maybe once or twice cos its not an issue to me. I have had years of no birthday/valentine gifts as well but my husband consistently displayed acts of giving and sacrifice on some other issues far more important in the past which is why those things were not much of an issue.

I am sure the OP just feels there is an air that this guy does not care for her well being. And that transcends just gift giving.


You can give without caring but I find it very difficult to believe that you can care without giving. When you care about someone you cant help just wanting to give something of your self even when you don't have. And my 'give' here is no just material things. Its just wanting to give something of yourself to make the other person happy .

My daughter loves her present teacher to bits and has been singing it since last week that her teachers birthday is in May. She told me to take the money out of her piggy bank so she could get her a present. That's a 6 year old already wanting to sacrifice for someone she cares deeply about.

armyofone:
Thanks a ton ladies. Yes my period is heavy which is the reason she is leaning towards BC @ Efe
Kimoni, the doc wanted me to test for Celiac. She said increase in iron dosage is out of it as too much is bad.
Damiso, I gain weight easily hence my careful nature with food. I don't eat meat that much but fish. I do eat fruits and vegetables but stayed away from spinach after reading about thyroid and spinach connection.
I have been using ferrous S but it's like my body is not absorbing iron.
BC is something I just don't want in my body but from her msg yesterday, it's like a done deal when I see her some time soon
I exercise 4 to 5 times a week, carefully watch what I eat etc

Try to eat more Vit C rich fruits they really help in iron absorption. I think the thyroid and spinach is more when eaten raw so maybe try sautéing, steaming them. Or you can have broccoli and the likes. Plantain is also a good source of iron like efe said. See the link below

Don't worry babes you will be fine.


https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/49/62/0b/49620be6d9d4152de3466a4c10d42ef8.jpg

No need for long story as everyone has said it all..

I know for a fact that it is not possible to care for someone deeply and not want to 'give' to them . I know people tend to be hard on girls who have the 'take care of me' mentality but based on your intial post there are so many red flags that transcend the giving of gifts alone.

Kimoni:
They must test again ooo

I even made the mistake of telling them the initial tests were done in Naija...choi!! Big error

She started telling me the history of how many wrong results that people have brought from Naija and was recounting the experiences one after the other...Hahahaha I had to shut her down by asking her to tell me how many wrong results they have also seen from Jamaica.

It was later I realized after reading so many experiences of others that a lot of Naija hospitals truly make errors in telling people their correct genotype. Can't explain why.

Exactly the same thing they said to us as well especially when we said the tests were done in Naija.

Kimoni:
[size=4pt]Lol...let me look for trouble small
[/size]
Efe, how come the emboldened is the first point you mentioned? Just asking ooo lol

Army, oya bianeba

**open your eyes let me look deeply
**open your palms, I need to observe something very important

Hmnnnnn...babes, what have you been up to recently

Na true

Uhmm uhmm cough cough Army oya confess.

Don't worry we wont tell anyone till after 12 week Scan

Kimoni:
Exactly what they say, that it's very possible in a lot of cases for SCs' to have little or no crises in their lifetime.

Yes they can. He did use to have a lot of crises when he was much younger (mostly by wanting to do omo boy and not taking care of himself especially when he was in Uni) but as he grew older and was much more conscious of His health the crises are now far and in between.

I am AS and also had to have counselling when pregnant as well. They insisted on testing hubby again o even when I kept telling them that he was AA. They said they needed to be sure as they had a lot of cases of couples lying about their genotype.

Kimoni:
Yeah, off limits. The blood cells are 'C" in shape and not "S" otherwise they have the same characteristics though doctors say the "C" is somewhat stronger than the "S".

Again, the "C" trait is found much more in the Caribbean, so you can guess where I truly come from but in the African continent, it's found more in Ghana.

There are other funny shapes/alphabets actually. I didn't realize this too until I retook the test in UK and had to go for for counselling. I thought the Jamaican woman attending to me was counting A, B, C...when she was listing the other alphabets that existed. lol

I have an uncle who is SC. Has similar traits to SS but if they take care of themselves could lead fairly healthy lives.

He is now in his late forties.

armyofone:
Ladies, was told my iron is low even though i have been on iron suppliment....and the doc is planning to have me go on BC (Mirena or nexplanon)
I'm not really a fan and it's so confusing and draining.
I'm so getting twisted with the side effects I read about (weight gain, mood swing, depression) etc
I eat healthy so not sure what is going on.

EfemenaXY, Chillisauce, Kimoni, damiso, Edwife etc

Efemenaxy and Kimoni have said all I wanted to say that you could do to help with anaemia i.e. resting and eating greens. I would also add that you eat fruits with a high vit C content i.e oranges,grapes, rasberries as my doctor advised that they aid with the absorption of iron.

I had a really bad case of severe anaemia last year when I was doing a lot of high intensity exercises 6 days a week and also drastically cut down my calorie intake to about 800 calories a day . I was also eating lil or no carbs. I think I even shared it here and my GP really told me off and I had to take a few weeks off exercising sef cos I was really feeling dizzy and run down.

Sometimes in the bid to be 'healthy' we can actually be eating 'not enough ' food '.. So maybe you should look at that as well i.e. are you eating enough to fuel the amount of exercise that you do? Carbs are really not the enemy that we once thought they were as long as you are eating the complex carbs like sweet potato,brown rice etc and not the processed ones.

If not eating enough especially if you run alot maybe up your food/calorie intake a bit but still eat healthy. I know I felt better when I did. I also use this Supplement I get from Holland & Barrett( don't know if you can get this in the states) called Spatone. Its very good.

http://www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/spatone-original-natural-iron-supplement-60080131

Happy belated birthday Siena

Gods blessings now and always..

And your kids are soooo cute

Always getting kiddy fashion tips from them esp Lil miss Sienna and her poses

Chillisauce:
You don't have to wait for school reopening before staring a regime. Just start it. Eat lots of green vegetables first before eating your starchy food. Eat the healthy stuff first before eating junks. Just little by little. For instance. These days I don't even check calories or exercise much but I make sure I get all my veges and friut on the table. It's a long time lifestyle not a seasonal one. The kids are now towing my path when they see the look on my face eating my veges. .
The last time my girl was eating her green bean and dancing at same time.

Start by making healthy stuff. Place it with other meals. Gradually the lifestyle will come to stay.

It's up to you. If you cant stand the vegetables try eating them with hot spicy stew or sauce. That's how I started

This time last yr I rarely eat veges but now...
Infact my waste products are Usually green in color.

at waste green in colour .

But you are so right, eating a healthy diet does wonders for the digestive system.

byvan03:
Very explicit, being nice must be a terrible place to be. All those bottle up emotions, it's torture. .I like this write up and thanks for sharing.

You are welcome. I also thought the distinction was interesting and kind of threw a different angle to the discussion.

@Bukatyne yes it was a very well written article.

bellong:
Breaking News............................ Breaking News.......................................... Breaking News............ Breaking News.............................
About two months ago, I got wind of a colleague and sister who was in trouble, in conjunction with fellowship members and circle of friends, we started raising funds, campaign/awareness about her condition which necessitated this thread. The journey, waiting game, uphill of getting compatible donor and financial challenges, was not easy but the good people of Nairaland equally rose to the occasion. Nights of prayer, encouraging words, support and all you can think of cannot be quantified for all the stress, efforts and unflinching support received from here and Nigerians in general. Only God can pay you all back.
Everybody tried their best in terms of resources, prayers, publicity, phone calls etc, God alone can reward you all. On this note, with a heavy heart of JOY and GLADNESS, I announce to you that the transplant was done yesterday, started in the morning and completed about 3pm. Lola and the donor are doing very fine as at today. The surgery was successful.
I cannot express the joy, happiness and all that is flowing from my heart right now. It wouldn't have been possible without the support of you all. I wish I could mention all your names but they are numerous to mention... Although, we still have about 300k to settle but for now we are in the euphoria of the transplant success......
My prayer for you all is simple, May God's counsel, purpose and will be fulfilled in your lives in their season.... Thank you all... Thank you all... Thank you all... Thank you alll.... Thank you allll... Nagode... Nagode... Nagode... Imela..... Imela... Imela... Eseun pupo.... Eseun pupo... Eseun pupo.....
Al

That is wonderful news bellong. Praise God. I am really happy at this news.

May God bless all those who helped in one way or the other. May they never lack help in their time of need.

I am really really happy at this news( you would think I knew her personally). Praise God.

byvan03:
Damiso I don't know if I responded to this before but I read it once again. This story is so like everyday human heart. Do you think humans can really defeat that " I told you so " part of us? E go hard mehn...

Its really hard o I aint gonna even lie

I read this article on differences between a 'kind' and 'nice' person and I thought about this thread.

See below:


A lot of people are attached to the idea of being “nice.” It’s not so easy for these individuals to let go of their need to be nice, or to appreciate how different it is from being kind.

This distinction is important, however, because these two ways of being lead to very different outcomes in one’s personal and professional life.

It will be easier to understand the difference between “nice” and “kind” if we focus on the opposing motivations behind each way of being.

The nice person is externally motivated. He’s driven by the need for other people’s approval and validation; he craves acceptance and is fearful of rejection.

The kind person is internally motivated. She has good self-esteem and isn’t looking for approval. She’s less concerned about what others might think of her and more interested in doing the right thing. Her compassion comes from an overflowing of her positive self-regard and not from the need to please.

The kind person respects herself as much as she respects others. She’s naturally helpful and generous, except when doing so might cause her harm. She lives in a state of balance, being as kind to herself as she is to others. She makes a positive contribution to her family, company and community, but never at her own expense.

The nice person is out of balance in his quest for external validation. Thinking that this is how he’ll find what he wants, he puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs. He keeps trying to please until he becomes exhausted and aggravated.

The nice person avoids confrontation for fear of upsetting anyone. He has trouble saying “No,” and rarely asks directly for what he wants. Fearing rejection, he can’t express any angry feelings that arise.

The kind person, on the other hand, isn’t afraid of confrontation. She’s able to speak her mind clearly, directly and respectfully, so people know where she stands but aren’t likely to take offense.

If someone gets angry at her because she’s asserted herself or rejects her because she’s setting a limit, she doesn’t take it personally.

The nice person can’t be authentic, because he’s too preoccupied with being a pleaser. The longer he continues to be “nice,” however, the more alienated he becomes from himself and others. He can lose touch with his true needs, feelings and opinions, and his relationships lack intimacy or fulfillment.

Even if he does win some degree of approval, the nice person knows, deep down, that the other person doesn’t see or accept him for who he really is. He can never make a real connection.

The kind person is genuine and sincere. She doesn’t need to pretend to be anyone else. If someone dislikes her or disapproves of her, she doesn’t feel diminished in any way.

The kind person welcomes constructive criticism. Her good self-regard motivates her to constantly be learning and evolving. Her ability to accept feedback means that her performance at work is always improving, and that she’s able to grow as a friend and a spouse.

The nice person is uncomfortable with feedback. His low self-esteem makes external criticism feel particularly hurtful. He has a harder time taking in valuable information about how he might improve his performance at work or how he could be a better spouse or friend.

The kind person sets good limits with others, and because she doesn’t allow herself to be mistreated, she’s cheerful, easy-going and approachable. She trusts herself to take care of herself in her personal and professional relationships, so she feels at ease with other people and her heart is open.

The nice person can’t set good limits. In his attempt to gain approval and avoid rejection, he allows people to exploit and mistreat him. This makes him angry, bitter, and cynical toward others.

The nice person’s attempts to please often result in his feeling hurt. His mistrust toward others grows, as does his shame for putting up with disrespect. His heart becomes closed, so while his behaviour is outwardly “nice,” he actually feels disappointed and resentful.

The truth is that people admire the kind person and look down on the nice person. We look up to those who have confidence and good self-esteem and tend to dismiss as “weak,” or “needy,” those who appear to be trying too hard to please.

When things don’t go the way he’d hoped, the nice person doesn’t know what to do with his growing anger. He might stuff down his resentment with alcohol, drugs or food, or it could leak out as passive-aggressive behaviour. Sometimes he’ll have an angry outburst, which embarrasses him so much that he represses his anger even more.

So, while the kind person can be relaxed and loving, authentic and meaningfully connected to others, the nice person is often anxious, angry, alienated and isolated; possibly even suffering from an addiction.

The solution for the nice person is simple: he must stop looking outside himself for love and approval.

Once he takes responsibility for his own self-worth, he’ll start working on developing his own positive self-regard. When he begins to love and accept himself, he’ll be able to let go of needing to please, and he’ll notice that interestingly, others are responding to him better.

A positive spiral is created, whereby he’s in charge of his self-worth, he’s treated with more respect, his anger diminishes, his feelings of trust and connection with others increase and his self-esteem improves even more.

Eventually, without even thinking about it, he’ll shift from being nice to being kind.



https://www./why-you-need-stop-being-nice-start-kind-marcia-sirota

salsera:
DDay is approaching . Prayers are needed now
May our efforts not be in vain.
May the operation for both donor and patient br sucessful
May there be no complications
May there be no rejections
May pre- and post operative care be excellent
May both lives be changed for better after.
May this be worst thing that will ever happened to her from now may her life be with ease.
May those who have stood with her throughout this journey be restored.
May they also find help from strangers in their time of need.
In Jesus name.
Amen

Amen and amen

EfemenaXY:


How's the exercise regime going. Days are longer, mornings are still cool, so squeezing in a 45 min - 1 hr morning run is a breeze. Sooooo refreshing.

Hadn't been running consistently and was worried I might have shin splints or wobbly knees after hibernating but thankfully none of those.

I guess once a runner always a runner.

I have restricted running to once a week oooo. That was what robbed me of my assets I don't want to be MO Farah jare.


On a serious note though I do more of power walking/strength training these days. 3 days weight/strength/resistance training and 2 days cardio split into one day high intensity which is either running/HIIT /Kick boxing/Box Fit and 1 day low intensity I.e. dancing,walking, etc etc. And 2 days rest is a must for me. Exercise is now more a keep fit thing these days and so I have to mix it up as the 'lose weight' motivation is no longer there. I struggle on some days( you know how it is working full time, family other interests ) but I guess its now a habit.

I don't even want to lose any more weight sef and I find running makes me drop kgs/pounds FAAAST.

Kimoni:
you dey side them before


@damiso, have you seen this OP's post. Some things just wanna make you cry

Its sickening...

I don't even know anymore again sef, like you said the one who grew up with no shoes na stealing, the one who probably had a personal driver to take him to school while growing up na stealing.

I just taya

bellong:
Hello all,

The result has come and it is positive. Lola will be scheduled for the operation in two weeks time. However, the hospital will not go ahead if balance is not paid latest by tomorrow. We have paid 7M out of 9.33M, she has about 1.1M in her account. We are looking at raising balance of 1.2M between today and tomorrow.

That's the latest.

Great update..

I pray the Lord raises helpers for this last push to save her life

Kimoni:
My sis, na wa ooo
Money meant for the common man. God help Nigeria

Amen...

byvan03:
Tooooo deep I tell you!

let me share this personal story..

I generally see myself as a happy go lucky person and I can genuinely say that I cant think of one human being in this world that I hate. I could dislike your behaviour but I try not to waste my energy hating. I am happy when good things happen to others and try not to dwell too much on the negative aspect of other people behaviour.

A couple of months ago, a friend told me about something that she was about to do. In all honesty, said friend could be extravagant and tends to sometime spend above her means. I asked if she really needed this thing and if she felt it was a priority at this time and she did not listen to me and went ahead to get it. A few months down the line she ran into financial trouble and confided in me. I tried not to rub it in at the time and tried to be a supportive friend but you know what in my heart I felt justified In my heart I was saying 'when you don't listen to people nko ntoor see yourself now ' I said all the right things in front of her but my heart was saying something else( justified or not). Along the line I have shared those same thoughts in a non confrontational way but at the very moment when she was saying it my the natural human instinct of feeling 'right' came into play. At that point I appeared like a 'good' friend but my heart was saying otherwise. I have eventually shared what was in my heart but it cannot the change the fact that her 'perception' at that time was very different from what my heart was saying at the time.

That's why my sincere prayer is to be pure in heart. Even more so than what people 'percieve' me to be.

byvan03:
Only God knows who is pure in heart . The human hearts are deep waters, who can know it? No one really knows anyone, you only know what they want you to know and see what they want you see.

I totally agree with this..

The human heart is tooooo deep.

These days my prayer is to become pure in heart FIRST cos people may see me as good meanwhile the bitterness,jealousy and hate that resides in there is just being suppressed.

I believe there is some sort of good in everyone as well and try to look at that however 'goodness' is subjective. If you ask 100 people what they think a 'nice' person is you would probably get '100' answers with most placing 'how' the person treated or made them feel at the core of their judgement. That in itself is not bad ( I believe in treating people how you would want to be treated) however it just goes to show that 'perceptions' of 'being good' by others is not in itself the sole determninant that one is a 'good person'

Forgive my rambling

edwife:
I learned the remedy is squats and weigh lifting. I am on it now,as you can see-my arms are quite muscular....

Ok already on both. Yeah they are but i see them as toned

edwife:
All these hawtness we are sharing.....

thanks dear

Please let me know when you find the remedy for getting my assets back

I have reduced running/HIIT routines to once a week now as someone told me that those are one of the greatest culprits of 'assets' loss. I do other cardio like kick boxing and Zumba as its now more about keeping fit and not weight loss anymore.

@ edwife quickly see.

edwife:
Oh you did see it? I saw someone else peeping.

Thanks mamie.

Awon stalkers