₦airaland Forum

bukatyne:
cc:

byvan03
Cococandy
Mmotimo
mindfulness
Shayebaby
EfemenaXY
Tearoses
blank
Onegai
Ewuro4
Edwife
Kimoni
Greatgod01
Taryour
Chillisauce
Ujoan
Damiso
Naijababe

Hi Bukatyne, happy new month

My brain cannot even reboot t to give you a comprehensive answer to this question. I don't have energy for long long posts on NL anymore . However I think like most things there is no One size fits all answer.

The OP does raise alot of valid issues but like alot of people have said seem to relate more to women in the west.

You are definitely not a bad person @ OP.

Others have said all that needs to be said in terms of advice but also thought to let you know that those thoughts cross a lot of people' minds.

I have two children and I honestly dread the thought of having another child. And this is not because I do not like children but because I am scared stiff of messing it up. I think raising children is such a HUGE responsibility and I do not want to unleash anymore damaged broken individuals into the world( I think we have more than enough at the moment).

With the two I have, I am so mindful of how we are raising them. I worry about their education, their morals, their mental well being etc. People keep second guessing me(us) thinking its about finances or as someone said to me this weekend' you want cheaper holidays abi ' Well it is partly about finances and but it transcends that for me. It is so many things and I don't think I have anything more to give another child right now. Maybe in the future when this two are less dependent but by then I might have reached menopause Maybe i would adopt then sha. I keep getting 'this boy needs an aburo' every other day and I have even had someone say to me ' Why are you trying to stop Gods blessings' Now I don't even bother replying or encouraging the conversation. As long as me and the person who matters, my husband are on the same page its all good.

I see babies and say awwwww ( I love how newborns look and smell ) but then I remember having to start all over gain and the aww stops I cuddle and hand back to the mother

My son is going into reception this September and we finally get to have a reprieve on full time childcare plus it would also mean a bit more structure on the school run. I really admire people with large families but I don't think its for me.

You will be fine. Follow Onegai's tips, they are really helpful.

I know I struggled more as a first time mum and definitely found the transition from one to two less daunting than from 0 to 1. I think its a kind of ' been there done that' experience that you have with the first one.

janellemonae:
Most Nigerian bloggers are daft. In d 1st picture, they just saw abbey wood Maths & English study centre on d signboard, then saw d little boys wearing New York hats. Then 1 + 1 became 5. No need for research. Welcome to oponu blogging.

buhahhahhhha sorry I just had to laugh at this

hilarious but very true

real oponu blogging

Everything on NL is always 'either' 'or'/ 'one size fits all'

Anyways sha I understand, we always have these 'discussion' threads if not NL will go extinct

To question, they are not mutually exclusive you can have BOTH. Like all things in life, there will be peaks, troughs,compromises,sacrifices,hard work team work etc but it is possible to have both. Not easy but very possible.

You know I have always wondered if 'career man' is a word * thinking aloud**

At OP,Using under aged children for child care is actually counter productive in my own opinion. A child will always act like a child so I am paying for a service and then also have to babysit/baby/raise you as well.lai lai if I pay you for childcare I don't want to also be caring for you as well. Like someone said if I want to be a foster parent let me kuku know I am a foster parent and face my parenting duties , I aint paying to be one.

Even my mother from 19 gbogboro never employed maids younger than 16. I remember them bringing her younger house helps and she would say no. Because of this myself and my siblings called all our house helps ' Aunty something or the other' and dem no born you well to disrespect them.

The other alternative as someone else has also pointed ,men be involved in raising YOUR children.

naijababe:
I was selected for Jury duty last for a drug/assault case, I was really looking forward to it. Only the case the was thrown out because the plaintiff kept saying he could not remember a thing The defendant was released as well as jurors, I was so upset.

You sef go remember when awon boys don threaten you

Drug/assault together the plaintiff just jejely had selective amnesia.

cococandy:
Lol. I already took the time off work.
I don't want to spend part of it in the court.

I just have a feeling crime television makes courtrooms more interesting than they really are.
You'll probably be bored silly by the time you're done.

Don't mind me jare...

any opportunity to skive off work legally

Jahblessme:
[/b]

Onegai,
Some people actively avoid dense Nigerian communities like a plague because of the drama that always ensues especially in that london area.There's always one scandal or the other.Honestly,the best solution is to try to mingle with fellow Nigerians in the same or higher social strata who have the same ideals as you.When you work hard and you are busy planning the best outcome for the kids,there's noway you'll have time to design your arms with tattoos or engage in senseless gossip and husband and wife snatching.
I feel it's important for children to see people who share the same skin colour as them,people who face the same struggles,even have role models aside from the parents who also have similar features.We tried but have so far been unsuccessful mainly because we are introverts & spend all our time together.We are hoping to improve though.I'd be very happy if we can find 5 Nigerian families around with kids around the same age with the same ideology as us.


Thanks @damiso for your reply..The family have taken all on board
Please can you unquote me?

@Tearoses,once the family complete the big purchase next year,they intend to look into more property as investments but Mr Osborne seems to be targeting BTL.Rumor flying is that Jeremy hunt may be moved to home office..hot pepper loading for new migrants.

Will do now.

cococandy:
If you want to escape jury duty, can you use a new baby as excuse?
Anybody know?

I don't have strength for this at all. Besides using my baby as excuse won't be a lie. It will truly be inconvenient for me.

And me I am looking for jury duty

I think watching American Crime story : The OJ Simpson Story is making me fly

Besides it would be a legitimate reason to have 2 weeks or more off work

My maths and taxation skills are very bad ,but based on an annual income of £150k hubby should be on the higher earning rate threshold and based on money saving expert calculations take home would be about £90,000. ( I do know self employed people know their way around these things thanks to accountants so might be more ). and for wifey about £24K bringing it to still over £100K net.

School fees x2 would be say about £30,000 including other expenses.

If independence seeking area is Scotland, University is free so no need to save towards University( hoping that doesn't change).

I would gladly go the private route provided hubbys prospects of continuing to earn that amount is very high. However if that income is not readily guaranteed long term, I would take advantage of the good state schools at primary level and save towards going private at secondary school.

It also depends on their lifestyle generally and where their priorities lie as well though. It might seem like a lot but not enough to live a champagne lifestyle while paying for private school, normal living expenses and also looking into future investments for the children.

*Modification I can see you have gotten more than enough advise sef
from better experienced people sef I have broken my NL addiction so only stroll round weekdays to get away from work stress

The couple should not worry they will be fine.

I can feel the mum and I know how I still over obsess about my children's education. But as my daughter's teacher once told me ' the fact that you care so much means 50% of the battle is already won. Its knowing how to balance that anxiety that we sometimes need to learn.

Onegai:
The U.S. is different. Yes, the school you go to matters, it the university you attend is the big player. Some schools are catchment areas for certain industries. In terms of the future of those kids, most will run the economy (companies, businesses, industries) but won't end up in Politics. Simply because Americans dislike people who look like they got life better than them. People disliked Bush II for that reason, even though he wasn't exactly the sharpest axe in the shed. Of course they love their old money but it's not revered the way an Englishman will ask you if your grandfather attended Eton. To be President in the U.S. you will get more votes if you tell them about washing cars or waiting tables during Summer hols than if you mention "I went to Duke, George Washington, Columbia, Harvard". They mistrust overly smart people. Bill Clinton went on Arsenio Hall's show, played the sax and got almost every single Black and Minority vote. Hillary Clinton can't get that group to trust her, so she's appealing to educated females and educated men. If it were any other candidate for the Dems, Trump would never have gotten this far as a opponent.

You know I kinda think the tides are swaying abit on this side of the pond as well especially in working class areas.Typical example is the London mayoral election with son of a bus driver Sadiq Khan and Posh Tory boy Zack Goldsmith. Even though I liked Zack ,alot of people mistrusted him as they felt 'he could never get them ' because of his background.

David Cameron and his eton buddies also had to shift the conversation to 'helping working families' (though I think having a weak opposition did help) when the elections were trying to be fought along the lines of class. Even the Labour Party sef have that issue has a lot of core labour supporters feel that a lot of the Labour Mps(so called blairites ) are 'red torys' a lot of them were also privately educated. Guess that's why the core labour members rebelled against the establishment and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.

I even watched a programme where it was insinuated Theresa May (grammar school educated ) emergence was the Tory party going back to 'merit over privilege '.

That said though, politics aside Private (or public school as they are also called ) educated children would still tend to get better advantages.Even art where talent should be the driver is dominated by public school kids i.e Damian Lewis,Benedict Cumberbatch etc

And like it or not race also comes to play in certain professions.

thorpido:
EfemenaXY and Damiso are looking at private schools from the UK position.I believe children in public schools with parental inputs/private tutors will do well there.Private schools' fees will cost about N1m when converted to Naira.However in Naija,you don't have a choice but put your kids in private schools.
However,N1m per annum is high end.

I agree with you that a child will do well with parental input if not affordable. Its a lot of work though and believe me when i say it's almost a full time job on its own I.e. Parental input.

But if affordable I would go down the private school route.

tearoses:
Damiso I really feel for people who desperately want to put their kids in private school but cant afford it.
Its not easy wanting something so bad for your kids but not being able to get it for them.

To be honest I understand your friends upset, but they shouldn't have sent the child to private school in the first instance.
Thats almost better than taking a child out of a school that he/she has already settled in
Thats why people should really look at their finances and be honest with each other whether or not they can really afford it.
Sometimes men just go along with their wives just for the sake of peace, but really they should put their foot down if they can tell that it will cause more disruption in the long term.

Can your friend and hubby look towards getting the kid into a Grammar school? My son attended a Grammar school and left with mostly A's and A*'s

They are still in primary school and fortunately they live in s catchment area with good grammar schools. So yes I think one of the plans is to get into grammar schools at secondary school level.

tearoses:
Very annoying
Someone told me that
We used to work together and thenthe person moved to Naija
Next thing I heard was " I don't leave the island"
Abeg piss off
was it not me and you who used to drink costa in the office canteen
me sef gan dont want to go to the island
Awolowo road traffic no be small thing

@piss off

I was not happy when they moved me from Ikeja to Vi when I worked in Naija.

Me that I used to wake up at 6.45 and still get to work by 8.

Onegai:
It's when they start denying it that it gets funny. I know someone whom that is what his clique members/awon boys do. 3 have been successful so far. And it always plays out in the same way.

Guy: "where do you stay?"
Babe: "Ikoyi, around Bourdillon, with my dad/Banana Island with my mum/Nicon town in the family house"

Gbam! He will call you back that night, no collecting your number and disappearing, no mago mago. Expect a 2nd date soon. The next day most likely.

Guy: "where do I drop you off"
Babe: "I live in Lekki 1"
Guy (soft smile): "really, I've got some friends there. Where?"
Babe: "Fola Osibo, in a self-contained BQ"

He will follow you home, bring his condom, but leave any thought of an engagement ring behind and spend the next 8 months "wondering" if you are The One (to your chagrin).

Guy: "where do I direct the taxi to take you to?"
Babe: "Festac/Iyana Ipaja/Egbeda/Fadeyi"
Guy: "wow, that's really far o"

Translation: "wow, that's really far, your father better be the owner of Chisco or Young Shall Grow or be a Customs controller of a Port somewhere because I ain't driving that far for nurring. Geh, ah don't do bridges"

If na lie I talk, make I fall for gutter

I feel you jare

Was there in my time but my sister said it got faaar worse.

She toldme God knows how many ' I don't cross the bridge' she heard in her time

tearoses:
Im not really sure about this one as I dont know what the nursery are teaching

So much has changed over the years and there are so many other ways to make money these days
If you can easily afford private education, then go for it, as the education is better, however the focus on the word easily.

Many parents are going without and working hundreds of hours just to put their kids into private school. I will say don't bother. The kid wont thank you later. There is also no guarantee that the kid will use that private education in the way that you will expect.

I was watching the London to Lagos to program on Channel 4 the other day and all the rich kids focussed in the program did not work in corporate. One of the Odetolas kids is a Dj and the other is a fashion blogger and the twins featured in the program were event planners after all their private education. One may argue that they are planning parties for rich peeps, so do other people who never tasted private education or even any formal education. I have an aunty that didn't go to any higher institution but her grammer and poise is more than mine

I want to believe that there comes a point where companies choose people who are suitable for the job and not just because of your surname, even in Nigeria.

Nowadays you dont even need a degree to earn mega bucks even in corporate. IT is a good example. A friend of mine took her PHD off her CV to get into a BA job.

As a parent I would spend more time on ensuring that the kid is an allrounder, for example being able to play at least one musical instrument, well travelled, exposed and very balanced psychologically. When a kid is happy and confident, they are able to hold on their own anywhere they find themselves and have the zeal to succeed wherever they find themselves.

This is why I don't agree with people who work and work and they are never at home because they want to put the kid into private school. But that is my opinion. The school can only do so much, You as a parent need to do much too.

As regards Nursery, unless you are 100% sure that you are not just paying for babysitting then you shouldn't be paying more than average.
My nephews in Abj pay about 1M per annum but they are in primary school and that's understandable as everything in Abj is expensive. The parents are very handson and in fairness I do see the overall impact.

I actually know a couple who are having serious issues because of private school. They both agreed to take the children out of State school and put them in private school ( I have a feeling wifey was the driver cos she disses state schools at every opportunity). Hubby has another child from a previous relationship that he is still somewhat supporting. After one year hubby is really struggling ( after taking on a second job) and is saying he thinks they should withdraw them back to state school. Wifey is lamenting to me that he backed out of an agreement and thinks the main issue is the fact that he is supporting this other child who is in final year of Uni( who went to state school). She is really upset and so mad at him.

I would also love for my children to go to private school ( I think I have shared that on here so many times) but at the moment we could not comfortably afford it( by comfortably I mean if one of lost our jobs by the 2nd year we would probably be struggling). I feel her pain and understand the need to want to give your children the best. I however don't see the point if you are really struggling to do it. I would love to say that but don't what to say without it seeming like its cos my own children are in state school. If you can afford it, it definitely would not cause friction you just do it. Some people sacrifice a lot for it but this person still wants the same standard of living i.e. at least 2 holidays a year ,new cars on finance etc. I told her to speak to him about it in a less confrontational manner and for them to look at all their living expenses closely together and see how they could reach a consensus. I know she would pay the fees by herself if she could( I would too without moaning or resenting my husband for it that's how much I value a good education) but it seems she cant afford it. They live in a good state school district ( Kent) but she insists all the state schools around them are rubbish.

I think for networking, class size to teacher ratio and a lot of other factors Private schools are well worth it. But like you said if you had to live in constant financial tension, have lil to zero life to get it ( City Traders can comfortably send 4 children with their bonuses alone sef ) its not worth it. Like a lot of people advised me , try to get into the relatively good state schools, be there for them( your time)invest in extra curricular that they are interested in, get extra tuition if necessary and generally build them up to be well rounded individuals.

Schools matter ALOT but so also does parental input.

Onegai:
But of course! Do you know how many people that their parents tell them "don't bring home a nonetity"? Or those that teach their daughters from childhood who is an acceptable boyfriend or not. They are so plenty. Those trophy wives will screen their kids' friends down to the last. Even amongst big guys, if they are your mentor they will help you select a bride that will place your feet higher. I heard a tale of some popular Businessman who had a PA he liked. When one of his billionaire friends brought his daughter home, he pushed his PA at her. The PA refused and said "I have a gf of about 3 years, you know her, blah blah". His boss replied him "there are a million pretty girls like that once you make your fortune, but your wife is an investment into your future". And that was that. It is soooo common that it is funnier to see people denying doing it than the actual deed.

Kai see calculation

And they say its only women that scheme.

And OP Obesity is a universal problem and is not something that should be solely tied to such a 'mundane' issue as keeping your husband/wife( FYI some men don't even like skinny women .My husband keeps begging me to add a bit more weight )

Don't make it a Nigerian thing. Results for 2014 showed that 61.7% of adults in the UK were overweight or obese (65.3% of men and 58.1% of women) and I know its a problem in America too.

Its a very big problem that is costing the NHS billions every year.

People don't need to be shamed people need to be educated on why one should aim to live a healthy and active lifestyle.

Ihuomadinihu:
It's really frustrating how men bash and body shame women irrespective of their size. Men are never satisfied. If you are slim,they complain. If you are plump,they equally complain. Slim ladies are usually the targets most of the time. Men complain they look unwomanly which has led them to go after padded bras and pants or painful plastic surgery.
Some of them even take dangerous concotions just to add weight!
While the plump ones like tools are strangulating themselves with Body shapers, Girdles and Corsets just to please men!
This is just an excuse to cheat. An unfaithfulman will cheat on you irrespective of your beauty and body size.
Ladies,just do you! Be comfortable in your body irrespective of size and shape. Too hell with their useless complaints!!

Nigerian People are so adept at body shaming ehn chai. very bad mouths. I read Nigerian twitter,instagram and even though I laugh sometimes ( I shouldn't but it cant be helped sometimes ) I just shake my head at the creativity in insults.


The amount of insults that have been heaped on Ini Edo, Bimbo Akintola and Lepacious Bose when they lost weight is enough to make anyone know that they should be comfortable in their own skin and not take all this 'opinions' to heart.

I would however always advocate for eating healthy and exercising for health purposes. Looks or looking trim are just a by product of that.

A lot of times people don't even know how to start or lack motivation. Losing weight or generally keeping fit is more a mental battle than physical. Once you beat the mental aspect ,you have won half the battle.

Onegai:
Not always. I used to think it made sense to live in Iyana Ipaja and work in VI. You will save a lot, true. But will spend that money treating your high blood pressure and constant health breakdowns due to exhaustion of doing 3 hours in traffic daily and leaving the home at 5am daily. You will never see your children (all the guys I know doing it see their kids on the weekends). Your marriage will suffer (you will be too busy in traffic and tired when you get home or stay on the island to avoid traffic and find yourself hanging out with single people doing the same and that's how a lot of infidelity in marriage starts). Yes you will save money, but die of hypertension at 45.

Cut costs in unnecessary spending: shopping, eating out, expensive gadgets (which require expensive accessories), parties, outings (the mall and cinemas and beer parlours and bars are pricey, go to the park)

Infidelity is really expensive. It should be a rich man's game so biko if you know you don't have a minimum of 3 brand new cars (not Kia and Toyota o) and 2 large properties, be faithful to your spouse

Carpool with your spouse, especially on weekends. We are one-car family (i feel for now we can do without a second car) and that has made us closer as we fight, settle, joke, keep malice, eat, starve, selfie and jollificate all in that car. It has made us spend time together (when you work and you have kids, it is very easy to go for days without discussing much with your spouse).

Keep parties private. Baby E is turning 1 this week (tears! Emotions!) and we are not throwing a party. Photoshoot, famiky brunch at our regular restaurant and cake. She won't remember it and why should I stress myself when I will spend the day running around trying to make sure everyone is happy and I remember nothing and see nothing? I have pictures from one of my sisters' parties and I only appear once (my eyes were red from crying from exhaustion) and I cannot tell you what happened even at my wedding (it was a blur as we kept being dragged about and I heard the food was great! I didn't eat ). Small parties with people you know by first and last name only.

If you're not home all week, don't pay for DSTV premium, go for a cheaper option. Or get great internet and cancel your subscription. Do you even have light sef

I wish I could 'Love' this post. I also agree with most of the original post except for the Otta part.

I have an uncle who went and got a place in Alagbole and worked in VI. He ended up spending 3 days at ours in Yaba and was always loitering around all the bars for 'traffic to die down' . He eventually let go of the place when he got married. Does not have to be Lekki but maybe places on the mainland where even if there is traffic you are still able to get home in good time.

at infidelity being expensive

As for the 1st birthday party did exactly the same for my two children. I still get called ijebu for it but na them know It was not even just the money but the whole stress for a child that will never remember I think my 1st year birthday party pictures where I was crying and clinging to my mum for dear life kinda put me off the idea. Almost every shot I have ever seen I was crying. I heard my mum 'imported' even the party packs E dey shark am but e no shark me reach am cos I hate organising parties. God knows how many fights we had planning my wedding from choosing the cheaper/smaller hall, to wanting less IV's , to wanting to have it all on the same day( she won all the fights ) but I am now able to defy her a bit more . I think the new me would have stood up to her more if I was getting married now. Me sef no even know how the food at my wedding tasted.



Happy birthday in advance to your princess.

Its such a funny feeling when they are no longer 'babies'. I still give my son ( 4) baby cuddles though he is now able to wiggle away from me He is really big on being 'a big boy cos he is going to big school'.

naijababe:
Yes oh! I honestly can't wait for another Scottish referendum.

My sister I Taya . Was not a great fan of David Cameron but when faced with the prospect of having either Boris Johnson, Theresa May or Michael Gove as Prime Minister

On episode 4 of OINTB not feeling this season jare.or maybe it's cos I keep falling asleep . I need a holiday seriously

naijababe:
Very strong feelings darling

The character is kinda ruthless however I love his swag and the fact that he is fiercely loyal to his wife

My sister across the border seems you lot might be leaving us for real

naijababe:
I am starting Billions tomorrow, got some good reviews.

first episode kinda flew over my head( ok i I slept off I was knackered )

But the more i watch the more i love/hate Bobby Axlerod

byvan03:
Should a man pay all his wife's bills? Won't paying all bills make him an ATM or her slave ? Some questions are just somehow. These things won't be a problem in a healthy marriage.

Na wa for this NL. Every issue is a big issue in marriage. Na to dey debate everything.

answer to question - different strokes, different folks.

naijababe:
so you are part of the OITNB club?

I love Uzo Aduba but mehn but no one did better than Black Cindy in S3

yes o cant wait to get home this evening and balance

God why did you not give me this kind of 'head' na?


The other day it was money for hair chai.


Oga I think the N20k is more than enough if she truly does not pay any bills in the home.

I am always surprised and baffled when women earn, don't pay any bills and then still want their husband to give them an allowance? Note I am not saying your hubby cant give you gifts etal but to demand it as a right and even get angry on top

If she was not married would she not pay her own bills? When will grown adults start taking responsibility for themselves?

Na wa o I guess its different strokes.

naijababe:
I am oh! I watched S3E13 again yesterday. I am yet to understand how Black Cindy didn't get a nomination for season 3

I love that gal aswear

Finally getting into Billions

In my head though Damian Lewis is typecast as Brody but getting round to liking Bobby Axlerod.

Happy pre/belated birthday Edwife and Byvan Gods blessings on you both and hope you both have a great year

I agree with the school. I am quite old school when it comes to rules like that.

I like the idea of strict school uniforms and dress code. If a school says no Mohawk, no make up,etc even no black shoe and you get sent back for wearing brown I will agree.

SAMBARRY:
those are signs of a narcissistic and toxic person. He or she enjoys ruining happy moments and infecting others with their misery.

Many Nigerians that are following this celebrities are cyber bullies that's why I love the way khloe Kardashian gave it to one Nigerian instagram user when she tried bullying her and khloe didn't spare her.she gave her hot


These ig nigerian people are depressed and as the elders say misery loves company. They don't want to be the only one suffering mentally In pain

I don't know how hard it is to just keep scrolling

I think it's the fact that people how have a front row into other people's lives .there have always been celebrities and people have always maybe not been happy with their own lives but social media gives them the ability to voice their frustrations.