₦airaland Forum

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat, naked.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

There are many versions to this joke

The Three Stars

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his puppet on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Funny if you get it i'd give it a 6/10

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Funny Business

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"

Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."

are ya been sarcastic or do you really mean it

Flooding in Bar Beach and other parts of vicky will continue to occur until the governmnet fixes the real problem, the waters of bar beach are very troublesome and although bar beach is not prone to natural disaster if one does occur half of lagos wil be wiped out, I pointed this out in another threa, but in the 60s an 70s the Us Government warned Nigeria to build a levy, till date no levy just articles on shopping and cinema districts peace

[s]I am seriously gonna become a sniper and shoot that tuface[/s], you don't make a good song only to make crappy ones later i'm so fuming, he cares more about himself than his fans

It's not at all like, that it is an idea then talks are made with private companies then it becomes a proposal (the stage where further info is given) then if it is accepted, it's not a pipe dream, the Nigerian Government certainly isn't a ten year old kid. The train was probably thought of by the federak and local governmnets of both states and the reason why there is no more info is probably it is still been drafted ---Peace---- (Don't diss me cause i'm right)

well said chxta

[size=24pt]you can call me stupid, or anything i don't care but nobody says i know nothing about naija[/size] 

[quote author=M.O.M link=topic=22287.msg627956#msg627956 date=1159308532]@ dblock
Your profile says you 're in Australia,millions of miles from home,so you don't seem to know what the whole thing is all like down here.Never believe all what you read as news on the internet about naija.That's the mistake most people make,they know nothing about naija but believe everything they see/read on dailys or magazine, [/quote]But I think the topic states West African Countries Hate Nigerians, and i believe that situation is more clear abroad than in Nigeria, when i was in nigeria, i didn't experience any dissings or see any dissings by west africans, except for what i was told, M.O.M, the case is worse abroad

no fair

Menn, the new hongkong airport is great i remmember when i got lost and cried my guts out till i found my parents PS.they were actually planning on leaving me, cos our plane was leaving

A picture is worth a thousand words i can't be bothered typing so here are some funy gifs
and one half baked joke;

A nigerian guy and his date were in a restaurant , and the guy was trying to showoff and act all rich, then when it came time to place the order, he asked for cow and other expensive stuff then after, him and his date had finished eating he was asked if he would want savvietes, the guy didn't know what savvietes were but he thought that it ought to be expensive so he asked for 50 savvietes

Oracle:
Are you saying that Baba doesn't know what salad is?
na you sabi ooh

i heard some of his security guys are members of nairaland

realy who and who

Stage two baby while eating [size=36pt]pizza[/size]

quite funny, but i don't plan on drinking beer or ending up in a hospital-----peace----

but the premier league evolved from the premiership so i guess it isn't stupid to use both in the same table, in that respect Arsenal has won back to back, that's if you agree that it isn't fair that we are not aknowledged for our past trophies because the present cup is no longer built on that concept

thanks now i get it.

i love that ghana forum, naijas dissing ghanians and vice versa i got this insulting but funny pic from there

Muhammad states that all men are equal unless if you are a non-muslim, so if Goerge bush announced today that he was muslim then bin landen and him would be best bros right , don't get islam is the anger towards non-muslims ( like Muhammad said it should be) or is it towards the west because they are richer. I don't get it but i do know that arabs shpuld stop burning flags.

Back to the real topic, what's wrong with been on the bench, what's wrong is that if a player doesn't play enough game football, the player won't have the opportunity to gel properly, a regular starting position, means a regular performer, i know that there are annomalies, but generally that is the case and by the way fans don't understand the concept of been on the bench, they think the player sucks just cos he doesn't appear and score goals, sometimes the anger ought to be directed to the coach e.g gallas when he was in chelsea. a excellent player like mikel obi that has the potential to fit in at chelsea probably won't get the chance to because of the presence of other strikers, everyone loves money but no one likes to be benched, for a regular benchwarmer to become a regular starter he has to create an impression in the little time he is given of game play, few coaches analyse practise. it's not easy to break free when you're not a regular starter, the best solution for promising benchwarmers is to change teams, it works 75% of the time.

yippee i'm going to heaven too, cos i'm a gunner (i'm not been sacarstic)

quite interesting (don't diss me i just think so)

I've got a DeSmuME.0.4.0 but I can't find any roms, there is this site where there are 1 gig ones but that sounds wierd to me

are we still enemies if we are then that means i've got 4 enemies on nairaland if not then i've got three, it's all got to do with my philosophy of having no enemies in life, but my stepmom is imposiible not to hate. peace  

great stuff, but the only reason i assumed that ps2 emus were stuck in the mud forever is because i was led to believe so on other forums, like one time i was searching for roms for my nintendo ds emu when a link pops up swearing and saying you f**K head there is no such thing as nds roms well peace