₦airaland Forum

I've just shot them all.

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Check Please!

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Mom?

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Golf Assistance

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Gators!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

The request is actually traditional in many parts of the country - it's not strange at all. The marriage does not mean dead and t he living will come together. What will be done is just the payment of some amount and the girl's family will just do some rites and the boy need not be there physically.

This just shows that the girl's family are quite traditional in outlook. If the boy wants the kids, he could oblige the girl's folks their request . Should he find it distasteful, he should forget the kids for now. After some years, he could go for them - hopefully, then, they would change their mind (they always do).

It's nothing to worry about

Don't Rightly Know, son.

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

AIT - when you think of it as a broadcast company, it is doing good. But is owing it's staff 6 months salaries.

Everytime I see Raymond Dokpesi,to the cameras for his 'innovation' in the industry, I can't help but wonder at the wickedness of man and the crass exploitation by the rich and mighty. He is making money at the expense of his hardworking but cheated staff. Nigeria and One man businesses, ignore the not too recent listing at the stock exchange - Dokpesi is very much in control.

When some people met him recently about settling the accrued salaries of his staff, he was angry and said there was no money- yet he lives in opulence.
Since I got to know about this, my views about the man has changed.

If you know any company exploiting its staff while not paying Nairalanders , let's use this forum to expose them

Shiny Silver Box

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by 2 shiny silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

"What is this, father?" the young boy asked.

The father, never having seen an elevator before, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father continued to stare at it, wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls, and pressed a button. The walls opened up and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles of light above the shiny walls light up in the reverse order of the first time they lit up. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Last Laugh

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Thanks Lagosboy - I've seen it. This closes this thread.

Thanks Lagosboy - I've seen it. This closes this thread.

ie, her husband's 24 year old nephew and business partner's son brought her some bread - & this was considered wrong because they were not her relatives. The men would also receive strokes for this 'offense'.
To my muslim friends, would I be right to conclude that this is a cultural problem peculiar to saudis and not islamic?
Ref? pls google the topic and you will get enough to fill you in.

Kids notes to God


Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new
ones,
why don't you just keep the ones you have?
--Amy

Dear GOD.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they
had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
--Larry

Dear GOD.
If you watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new
shoes.
--Mickey

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody
in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and
I can never do it.
--Nan


Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when
You are
on vacation?
--Jane


Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will
tell me.
Love Alison


Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
--Lucy


Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his
bowling words in the house?
--Anita

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was
it an accident?
--Norma


Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
--Jan


Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in
Church. Is that okay?
--Neal


Dear GOD,
What does it mean, You are a Jealous GOD? I thought
You had everything.
-- Jane


Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto
you"?
because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
--Darla


Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for
was a puppy.
--Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said
some things about You that people are not supposed to
say, but I hope you will
not hurt him anyway. Your friend,
(But I am not going to tell You who I am.)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was
supposed
to ! be our day of rest.
--Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything
before. You
can look it up.
--Bruce


Dear GOD,
If we come back as something--Please don't let me be
Jennifer
Horton, because I hate her.
--Denise.

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You
anything
You want, except my money or my chess set.
--Raphael


Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat !! You should give him a tail. Ha!
Ha!
--Danny


Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not
with
so much hair all over.
--Tom


Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both
ways.
--Dean


Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest
inventions.
--Ruth M.


Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
--Elliott

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and
David the best.
--Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't
sound
right. He's just kidding, isn't he?
--Marsha

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the
Bible.
-- Love Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school
they
said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
--Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
The bad people laughed at Noah- "You made an ark on
dry land
you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's
what I
would do.
--Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well I
just want You
to know but I am not just saying that because You are
GOD already.
--Charles

Nairaland - the digression continues. The 'koko' of the matter: if muslims insist on foreigners obeying their laws, etc a la saudi arabia, why is it so difficult for them to obey the laws, etc of their host nations? Why do they expect the host nations to bow to their wishes? Oyb - thanks for the correction.

The views of Patriotic Australian Prime Minister

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!


http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2008-02/13/xinsrc_232020513074896831991.jpg


           Prime Minister John Howard - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks,


Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. '


'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'


'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!'


'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'


'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'


Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, WE will find the courage to start speaking and voicing the same truths.


If you agree please SEND THIS ON and ON to as many people as you know - I just did.

Like a Baby

Two elderly gentlemen are talking. "I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

"I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

Sick and Tired

"How are things going with you?"

"So so. I left my job, because of illness and fatigue."

"Sorry to hear that. What happened?"

"My boss got sick and tired of me."

My Will

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 percent. After a month, the gentleman went back to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Hard of Hearing

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!"

First Impressions

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell intellectual?"

The Headstone

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools," the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

The Coffin

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a,

BUMP,

BUMP,

BUMP, behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP,

BUMP,

BUMP,

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, with the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster,

Faster,

BUMP,

BUMP,

BUMP,

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping.

Clappity BUMP,

Clappity BUMP,

Clappity BUMP, on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud crash, the coffin breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup and,

The coffin stops.

Finding Jesus

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

The Pole Vaulter

At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

Of Course I Do

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask. Now, I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," said Eric. "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I do.'"

Checking Your IQ

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker, "

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Spelling Errors

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no I in the word marriage."

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Self-Help

"Can you direct me to the self-help section?"

"Sure, but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"

The Way I Found It

"Do you have any cockroaches?"

"Yes, we sell them to fishermen."

"I would like twenty thousand, please."

"What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"

"I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."

Stella died and went to heaven , As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?" "That's Bishop Ajayi Crowther's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?" St Peter responded, "That's Nnamdi Azikwe's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Zik told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's my husband Obasanjo's clock?" asked Stella. "Obasanjo's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan………,