₦airaland Forum

The Elderly Golfer

Arthur is 90-years-old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't even see where it goes."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Marriage

Woman to her fiancee: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

"That's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles."

"That's because we aren't married yet!"

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.



First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

The Wedding Dress

The groom to be said to his fiancee, "Three-thousand eight-hundred dollars for a dress that's only going to be worn once?!"

"Who says it's only going to be worn once?"

"Oh? You're planning to get married again? You know you can't wear white the second time!"

"No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom."

"I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress."

"Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!"

"Okay, then why don't you wear hers?"

"Who wants to get married in that old thing?"

Out of Town

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.

His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So, where's mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

One Difficult Question

An interviewer says, "Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind."

"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question."

"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first: day or night?"

"The day, sir."

"And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"Sorry, sir. I can't answer that. I said I would only answer one difficult question."

The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods with them!

Robbing an ATM

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.

Just then, a man in the back raised his hand.

"I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

Can You See Me?

A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good samaritan replied, "Just a minute."

He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you just fine!"

Office Memo

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do not own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about Java applets or brand identity.

Just be aware that the milk was expressly for my baby, if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her."

Lost Cell Phone

My girlfriend called me from her car after she had arrived at an appointment. I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally, she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me and now, I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are not going to tell anybody about this!"

E-mail Me

Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?

Ops Guy: I've copied you on every e-mail I sent to them!

Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

Apparently dear omobachi, your aladura church is different from nebonebo's and oziomatv's.
Anyhow, quite revealing posts, I must say - about the other 'gospels', that is

Dear ricadelide,
I have carefully gone through the post again & do notice that my earlier agreement was misplaced. That's a lesson for me not to gloss over some posts and assume.
Many thanks for watching my back - really grateful.

Couldnt agree more with your post dear justcool. See James 2:17-20; Romans 6
I do enjoy your posts.

Quite interesting & hilarious posts. Is lust in marriage sin? My interpretation of poster's = lusting after another woman aside your wife, is it sin? Yes.
Interpretation of the majority = is it ok to lust after your wife? My answer? Yes. Desiring your spouse even when she's not in the mood is not wrong. Love will make one withhold urge for other not in mood. In like manner, love will make the other give in for the other even when not in the mood - as this can be counted joy that the other desires the one. 1 corinth 7:3 - 5 puts it more succintly - if one of the spouse wants to get together with the other, let the other render due benevolence because their bodies belong to one another. So they should not defraud one another except BOTH agree for a time.
So you are lusting after your spouse? Lust away - and it does pep/spice up your relationship - afterall, na you get am, lol.
Be cool all and cheers. I've really enjoyed myself.

Thanks tv for giving it as scriptures direct.
Perhaps I should add that adultery is not only when one is involved in the actual act - but LOOKING unto a woman to lust is considered adultery. So a spouse caught in the act of 'lookery' would result in our getting divorced - & in no time, there would be no marriages to contract. Just a lighter, albeit true, view of possible outcomes should we follow earlier postulations.
Dear poster, marriage is for life - even when you later discover your spouse to be a cultist. God hates separation. Should you decide to separate/divorce, (perhaps spouse is a dangerous psycho, given to murderous fits, etc) then YOU MUST REMAIN UNMARRIED otherwise you get reconciled to your spouse - you can remarry only if he/she dies. Simply therefore, virtues a la Galatians 5: 22,23 coupled with prayer should help in reining in difficult mates & keeping your union a blessed one.
Cheers and God bless

Thanks tv for giving it as scriptures direct.
Perhaps I should add that adultery is not only when one is involved in the actual act - but LOOKING unto a woman to lust is considered adultery. So a spouse caught in the act of 'lookery' would result in our getting divorced - & in no time, there would be no marriages to contract. Just a lighter, albeit true, view of possible outcomes should we follow earlier postulations.
Dear poster, marriage is for life - even when you later discover your spouse to be a cultist. God hates separation. Should you decide to separate/divorce, (perhaps spouse is a dangerous psycho, given to murderous fits, etc) then YOU MUST REMAIN UNMARRIED otherwise you get reconciled to your spouse - you can remarry only if he/she dies. Simply therefore, virtues a la Galatians 5: 22,23 coupled with prayer should help in reining in difficult mates & keeping your union a blessed one.
Cheers and God bless

Dear Afam,
After carefully going through the posts, I can't but salute your resilience in the face of the obvious ignorance displayed by some of the posters. Perhaps you will notice that nairaland is changing - we now have a generation of 'newbies' who delight in doublespeak, inability or refusal to sift the genuine from the garbage  

Perhaps you must have noticed that the thread has changed and is a ghost of it's old self. Same with the Religion thread.

@topic
I salute obj's guts. He's made his mistakes no doubt, and his trademark stubbornness has not helped matters, but his response puts to question the intelligence and motivation of the committee's modus. Being somone with many years experience on the way govt business and processes are, Elumelu's committee, I suspect is showmanship.

Anyway, good or bad, there is something that excites the people about obj bashing. I guess the Reps know this and are playing up in order to be seen as brave and fearless. Even Atiku, is becoming a saint now. How times and people change. I have never believed those 'threats' they claimed. Well, gotta leave now and clear the way. It's bashing time.

Cheers all.

Bedside Story

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend, Morris, came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife, Sadie, visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

MOM!

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.

[Five minutes later]

"Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

[Five minutes later]

"Mommm."

"WHAT?!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind was made."

Two days later, the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"

The father answered, "Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said it developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Any one in the house that can tell me the cost of a good battery for my Dell b120 inspiron laptop and where? The one that came with it has finally given up

Blind Date

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age!"

Passing Notes

One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon. They said, "Take your time." "Don't cut yourself." "No need to rush." "Wash your hands" and so on.

After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her. It was from the doctor and it said, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"

A Day Off

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. I mean, what if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today. I'm running a little fever and feeling congested, so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What? Say that again. I'm cured?"

Fred, the Cowboy

A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "the balcony."

@eniyanman
pls how can I access the candle charts at nigeriansecurities site? I'm registered there