₦airaland Forum

Vegetative State

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.

He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

So, his wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

Insurance Policy

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

Go check out what a ventriloquist does ol' chap - then read the joke again. If you still don't get it, then pass.

Have a nice week ahead

Telling Irish Jokes

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up.

"You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir. I, "

"Not you," says the Irishman. "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Young Love

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.

The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question his father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're apt to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

@4Him
would Olabowale be doing a pretendski? That would be below him, dont you think? That would be a shame now - thought he believed in a level playing field; that's why this post was directed to him - obviously I'm wrong.
Do agree about the bit on making him to see reason as a dauntless task - you folks have over the years diligently & expositorily treated his varied treatise, yet he keeps on recycling same ol stuff - some guys are just impossible.
mc usman? Still wondering how he was able to terrify the once upon a time 'hard nut' admin guy - say, would a recourse to 'omi nigbon' have aided him? Poor admin - but then he has unwittingly put a lie to the is'lamists' claim of tolerance. What a round house punch to the 'great' religion.

Apparently you did not get the import of my post. Following the veiled fatwa threat, Seun has had to put is'lam under his 'protective custody' while allowing vitriolic incursions into Xtian threads - this preferential treatment is a minus for is'lamic tolerance, no? I trust, you would agree that David, Havila, osisi, pilgrim1 & other good folks of yore have adequately treated your recycled & diversionary post above.
Cheers

Whenever I see your strident defenses & 'attacks', I realize, rather sadly, that apparently you are yet to comprehend that Seun has put a lie to your postulations that your religion is peace - thru his recent actions. That it took a veiled threat for him to 'have great respect' for is'lam, is unfortunate & sad. Really says so much about is'lamic tolerance. I would hide my head in shame rather than post under Seunic cover.
Just my thoughts.
Cheers

My ignorance big b1, my ignorance.

Thanks jayfk. Quite logical - so GO OBAMA!

Nobody it seems, wants to know about Obama's wife - or is she not involved in her hubby's campaign the way Bill is about his wife's.
Why dont we see her pictures gracing the campaign trail beside her husband - or is she being carefully sidelined in order not to disenfranchise the predominant white voters especially as she's 'pure' black. Just wondering - WHERE IS MRS OBAMA?

@izon,
tell the broker not to buy anything for you again. Collect your money and go look for another broker. If this is how they treat a first timer, then they will continually mess you up. Better to defer trading than to be conned at 1st attempt.
Since you started reading from page one, then you should smell more than a rat here - apologies to yodi.
Goodluck

@londoncool,
glad u remember. As stanchuks said, u sure know how to keep tab on ur 'boys' - do appreciate it. The 500grand fetched me some bucks following the tips on this thread. Have noted that its best to read from the sidelines n quietly make ur moves esp when you gurus dont seem to answer ALL enquiries - not with the speed at which the pages run. Was therefore pleasantly surprised that you could respond. This is late because I needed to do some catching up myself after being away for 2 days.
Back to the sidelines again - the fun continues

Gotta admit, you guys are good @ wanajo, pumping, aktopgun, fo2, windy, yodi, roughcut, & other imperial majesties too numerous to mention. Been quietly making my money from reading on the thread.
@londoncool, how now? long time. I know u go don 4gt me - no mind me o
Fatherof2, could you pls buzz or flash me on 0802 324 3997 - need to talk pls. Will appreciate ur call.
Now, back to the stands

Play Your Age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?"

He then walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Right on there, clemcykul ol chap.
The groom's bride must look really old for the usher to mistake groom's mum for bride's friend.

Hard of Hearing

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!"

Tired Puppy

An old, tired looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day, he was back. He resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day, he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar. It said, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?!"

Migines,
Sorry that's the joke. If you dont get it, read it again carefully - and if you still don't, then pass.

Cheers n be cool

Time for a Diet

Ole was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ole nodded, "Ya, but I tell you, I taut I vud drop dead dat third day!"

"From hunger?" asked the doctor. "No, da hunger vas one ting, but vat really got to me was all dat skippin!'"

The Mother-in-Law

Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.

The usher asked, "Are you a friend of the bride?"

Sadie quickly replied, "No, of course not. I am the groom's mother."

Quite an interesting story. However, dear amsky, shapey's mom has done well to 'take' her daughter with her & stoutly rise in shapey's defense- that doesnt mean the marriage is over.
The matter is beyond what shapey's hubby can handle & that, in my opinion, informs the mom's action- as that is the only way to rein in the inlaws stupidity. How will this end? Shapey n hubby will be reunited while the families back home will solve their probs with the inlaws taking the necessary steps. Just tell shapey not to stress - its a drama that plays out all the time ( I shd know). The sis inlaw will beg in the end but has lost the opportunity to stay with them. Shapey shd let the adults handle the matter but ensure she is in touch with her hubby & encourage him in his distress. She must not listen to any advise to pack out of her matrimonial home - that would mean the devil had succeeded in breaking her marriage. If she could get the hubby to come to his senses thru patience, etc then there's nothing stopping her from having a great marriage. All marriages have their unique problems that require unique solutions. She shd resist every influence to leave her marriage - IT HAS NOT FAILED. Overcoming this trial would help her in future.
GOD BLESS

My guys
NEM closed at 4naira today. I bought at 2.58. Do I sell or would it rise 4da because of the rumoured impending po?

Carrying a Child

"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said the teacher.

One small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Remember Me?

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher!"

New Year's Bowl Game

A guy named Brent receives a free ticket to the Rose Bowl on New Year's Day from his company. Unfortunately, when Brent arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Brent sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Brent asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says, "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Brent again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Rose Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Rose Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1968."

"Well, that's really sad," said Brent. "But still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or a close relative?"

"No," the man replies. "They're all at the funeral."

Lesson Plan to us all

A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: ' Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how Hot it gets just as men do'.

Mary then exposes one of her
breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See - says the woman - 'Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't'.

Says Mark : 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens'.

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark : 'This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around

and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen'!!!

The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now,
extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: ' Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me'!!!

Mark replies: 'Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me:

That you don't feel like it

That you have a headache

That you're tired

That your throat is aching

That it is still too early

That I must understand you as a woman

That you are depressed

That you are in one of those days

That you are having a very busy week

That all you need is just to cuddle up

That you're tensed up

That you have to wake up very early tomorrow

That you woke up very early today

That you walked for long and your feet are aching

That caresses and hugs is all that you want today

That you're so tensed up that all you
want is a good massage to make you relax

That you feel like watching TV

That you don't want to miss the soapies

That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair

Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you can
persuade it, then I promise you that from today on I'll accept your
excuses'!

To my dear men please send this to your lady friends especially your wives and to my dear ladies please learn from it

Forgotten Items

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

You're Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?" his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

aktopgun ol chap;
Welcome to the club, congrats. Sure like the names - shows u r detribalised.

More blessings!