₦airaland Forum

Ecalos: So Filani is she supposed to be watching her every man's moveA man that wants to cheat will cheat no matter how much she guides the goal post or not...Every one gets tempted but the man was stupid enough to fall rather than stand strong and resist the devil...

The problem here is that stupid Nigerian culture that thinks that the woman has the power to produce a child of her own accord and power. Who gave any human the right to place such a high premium of having kids. Kids are a gift from God and its up to God to decide to either bless a couple with one or not and if he doesnt then find other thing to do with your life and not wrap you life around having children....

P.s my aunt has been married 25 years and no kids yet her relationship with her husband is one to be emulated...I have lived with them so i know what i am saying...they spend their time giving to the community rather than running helter skelter trying to help God give them a child...

@ ecalos
You have missed the message behind my post. I am not saying that the OP should have forcefully close marked her husband because as you rightfully said the person who has decided in his or her heart to cheat will almost definitely cheat when the chance comes. I am also not saying what the OP's husband did is right, I didn't bother to reprimand him because the first 6 or 7 pages of this thread is full of peeps calling the OP's husband every bad name under the sun & throwing a "pity party" for the OP

"Oh you poor angel ,that evil man doesn't deserve you"
"All these naija men sef, das how they all are ! "
"Whaaat!!! How could he do that to you?in fact who does he think he is? Look my dear don't blame urself for anything at all, it's all HIS fault !!! "

And the beat goes on and on and on but none of these so called peeps will have the courage to play "devils advocate" by asking the OP that " yes , what hubby did is very wrong but on your own part have you been fulfilling ur wifely duties of late ? "

The danger of not making the OP see that she has a hand in her current situation is that she whips herself into self righteous rage , walks out on her marriage and spends the rest of her days as a man hating old woman with a room full of cats ( LOL)
Or
She walks out of her current marriage goes into a new one but makes the same mistakes in her new one that she did in her old marriage !!! Why ? Becos she never once asked herself " I know what my ex hubby did wrong but what did I do wrong to make that marriage crash?"

The OP needs to make not just her partner but herself accountable for the success or failure of their relationships , it really is that simple .

Johnny: I want to anwer ur question; “where did i go wrong?“....so u dont know dat u went wrong all through?U literally became d “man“ of d house superving ur building project &coming home late in d nite “tired“ abandoning ur home &business,yet u dnt no where u went wrong?its pride (owning ur apartment),arrogance (coming home anytime u like),greed (u didnt want d workers to steal ur materials) stupidity (not caring about ur husband sexual need) that pushed u into this.Did u hear urself;IT WAS AFTER FIVE WHOLE YEARS THAT U SETTLED DOWN TO MAKE A FAMILY!!Stupid....Arrant nonsense....The guy should hasten up the wedding please.u can go &build more apartments,possibly become a site Engineer,thats where u re productive!

@ OP
I am seriously doubting dat this is a real life story or "cut and paste" but assuming that it is a true story ,I have to say I agree with the poster quoted above.

It takes two partners to make a marriage work & it takes two partners to make it fail. The OP is not in anyway free of blame .she left her" marriage goalpost" wiiiide open & the devil took advantage and scored a goal.
The OP has a choice to make ,she can choose to put her self righteous anger aside and accept her fault (no matter how little she thinks it is) in order to learn from it and rebuild her marriage or she can concede total defeat and call it quits.

@ feelamong
Nice work ur doing here brother! Kindly assist me by doing the calculation for N8 Million at 14% for 91 days ,thnks

ferhyntorlah:
Settlement or whatever is fatuous IMO.
Women should be industrous and not rely on men. It's so hapless that women in Occidental world that advantage of this negatively.

Even Eva Longoria dey ask for settlement from ex hubby, Tony Parker. For what? Isn't she rich to take care of herself? Na wa. Too much freedom can lead to some else.

It's ironic, i was going to mention this particular example but ferhyntorlah beat me to it. Can you just imagine this Eva girl ? this woman has more than enough of her own money but when her marriage went bad rather than just calling it quits and walking away with her head held high what does she do? she goes after the money! Spousal support my @$$ !!! then to top it off she goes on twitter to say  "It is with great sadness that after 7 years together, Tony and I have decided to divorce. We love each other deeply and[b] pray for each other’s happiness[/b]." 

Yeah right  if Eva is praying for tony's ''happiness'' then Barrack Obama is my uncle  LOL

Jackieugo:
^Truth. These are things you'll get from a "good" woman and much more,  It's a shame to keep seeing threads like this from men who keep choosing the wrong type of women then[b] blaming the entire female sex on their problems and bad judgments.[/b]

@ jackieugo
Point taken but did you know that there are good things a woman will get from a good man and much more ? It's always a shame to see threads on NL from girls who keep choosing the wrong type of man then blaming the entire male gender for their problems and their own bad judgments.

The relationship coin has two sides jacki , don't make guys out to be the devils and girls the angels 

modele2:
Slowwww down people

All the poster is trying to say is she would like men to be aware of the 'work' it entails to be a woman. To understand that is it really not that easy, she is asking for emphathy and desiring the support from the men.
Am married and i love being married(at least for now) and i realise that one of the things i love is when my oga is supportive or when he praises me for work i have done or am doing. I absolutely hate being taken for granted and am sure no woman likes it. So please dont crucify the poster all she said is true but its work that we do willingly and one that spices up our life.

@ Modele2
Oh really the ''work'' it entails to be a woman  please do tell us   * Filani pulls a chair and takes a seat*  oh by the way has anybody not told you that being a man and measuring up to societys standards of what a man should be ain't a walk in the park either  

If you justify this post as her idea of asking for empathy and support then on another day if sandraa takes a piss on your head , i will justify it by telling you it's raining  

@ sandraa
Another day  ,Another Man Bashing thread on NL , Yaaawn!!! Like, What else is new?

[quote author=Shy-One link=topic=602156.msg7699518#msg7699518 date=1297274983]Marriage should improve the human species, becoming a barrier against vice, a protection to woman, strength to man, and a centre for the affections.

Marriage should signify a union of hearts

Union of the masculine and feminine qualities constitutes completeness. The masculine mind reaches a higher tone through certain elements of the feminine, while the feminine mind gains courage and strength through masculine qualities. These different elements conjoin naturally with each other, and their true harmony is in spiritual oneness. Both sexes should be loving, pure, tender, and strong. The attraction between native qualities will be perpetual only as it is pure and true, bringing sweet seasons of renewal like the returning spring.

Jealousy is the grave of affection. The presence of mistrust, where confidence is due, withers the flowers of Eden and scatters love's petals to decay. Be not in haste to take the vow "until death do us part." Consider its obligations, its responsibilities, its relations to your growth and to your influence on other lives

mbe[/quote]Beautiful  !!! This post represents the mind of a woman who has her mind  right   I highlighted some sections but the truth is that every single word in your post is simply brimming with MATURITY , TACTFULNESS , INSIGHT & INNER BEAUTY  

Just when i am tempted to believe that all women have fallen under the influence of Feminist Man Haters some one like you comes along with a post like this to make me smile again, thank you  Shy one

chaircover:
@Filani I totally agree where you are coming from, but it is the poster who brought the problem to NL & not his wife and he is the one who people can talk to and he is the one who can make a difference in the situation right now.

If they were both sitting in front of me, they will BOTH get a piece of advise.

In my very first post, I believe I mentioned something about them both seeking professional help, so I do know that the woman too has work to do, however I am just giving the guy a heads up on how he can spice up his love life in the meantime. Sometimes it’s not about apportioning blame but about moving forward.

. . . . Oops I seem to be stepping on a lot of toes these days. Think its time to start my Xmas holidays   

@ chaircover
your point is duly noted , but if i had not raised the challenge you would not have clarified it better like you just did.

fm7070 would have left the forum no better off than when he started it and the ladies would simply walk away with a skewed belief that in such a situation the man's needs are simply to be ignored or ridiculed,
That being said i want to challenge you further by asking to put yourself in the shoes of  "madam" . your husband has told you in clear terms that you DO NOT SATISFY him sexually , what will be your action plan to win him over?
please no generalized answer like " we will both go see a professional for advice " . when you were advising fm7070 you had a list of things you said he should be doing to stir up his wife's flagging libido , so therefore in a like manner i'm expecting a [b]list of specific actions [/b]you would take to meet up with your husbands sexual needs if you found yourself in such a situation 

@ chaircover
it's all good and well for the NL ladies to "preach" to fm7070 about turning on the romance in his marriage  like the list you've just given above and trying to justify/excuse  her inability/unwillingness to satisfy her husband sexually with childbirth,  depression ,  etc  ( na 2day ?) but i ask you will these same ladies follow this advice when the tables are turned ?

Av been around NL for a while now and av seen enough posts in the romance section from ladies wailing about the woe full inadequacies of their   boyfriends/husbands in explicit details , many of them in a mocking tone. they aren't  half bothered about trying to solve "their"  challenge , as far as they're concerned it's his problem and he needs to solve it FAST or she's gonna take a walk an get herself a young stud outside ( that is after she has had her fun in verbally emasculating him).

I hate double standards , don't go softly on the posters wife jus' b'cos she's a female . your post puts ALL the responsibilty for tackling the challenge squarely on fm7070's shoulders ( indirectly ur saying it's all his fault !!!) . so in your mind "madam"  is on the right for neglecting her husband sexually? madam has no responsibility in all of this? 

In order for real progress to be made" madam" must first ADMIT she actually has a problem in her marriage (am not satisfying my husband sexually) and be willing to work toghether with him , make whatever sacrifice is necessary to solve it.  unless this happens first , all the sugestions you gave will come to nothing b'cos she will simply rebuff him and throw it all back in his face.

chaircover:
I think the poster is within his right to feel dissapointed especially as he made it clear that age was a major issue BEFORE he married her.

Having said that poster you do have some blame here, bearing in mind that age was such a big deal to you, in the three years that you courted her, then[b] you should have done more [/b]to make sure that you were being fed the correct number.

You are right, fertility does decrease with age but I wouldnt say that 35 is too old to conceive & there is still plenty of time to fill your house with kids if there are no undelying medical issues with either of you. My mum had her last at 44.

However, for this to work you both have to get over this and put your minds in one place, regarding trying for a baby. E pa okan po si ibikan.

In the mean time take a few days off and think deeply about how you wish to proceed. Dont just look at the current situation, but look at the relationship in its totality.

Can you find it in your heart to severly reprimand her and completely forgive her or you are just unble to live with the deception. It is your descision at the end of the day as you will be the one waking up everymorning beside her. Good Luck.

@ chaircover
pls  explain more on the above bolded for the sake of us single men that wish to avoid this trap in prospective partners seeing as MOST ladies can be very convincing liars when they CHOOSE to be?

@  Tolutara
Good for you  you recognized & decided to go after after a good man instead of just sitting on ur @$$ waiting for him to come to you.

@  Ladyjide
You have described yourself as a " quality lady " and if this holds true then "quality men" should be beating down your door but by your own admission none are coming your way, which begs the question is it possible that the qualities that you listed that make you a "quality lady" are not really "all that" in the eyes of a quality man?
Think about it for a minute  

[b]

[/quote]Well-- I am 28- am professionaly employed, live alone, am honest , hard working and not a cheat[/b]-------I want the same in my man, I fall short because I want that from a Nigerian man and not a Black American! So I remain single here!!

The above highlighted is the criteria you used to justify yourself as a "quality lady" but has it occured to you that there are hundreds maybe thousands of nigerian women in the states that fit this bill ? And that being the case why would a " quality naija man want to commit himself to you   for life and not any other woman he has met or possibly will meet ?

A NL guy made this post earlier which emphasizes what i just said.
   v v v

The 'quality' men (in your age range) you described were long hooked by the smart naija girls , they caught them real early). Most of them are engaged or married.

. Most responsible naija guys here usually have other things on their minds other than marriage, so you have to make them KNOW you are the type that is meant for keeps.[quote]

In summary , the quality men are not hiding the simple  truth is that they are simply not attracted to you
So you have two choices , keep on complaining about the lack of quality men or take a good long look at yourself & decide to make yourself a TRUE quality woman rather than [b]just calling [/b]yourself one.  

*Filani moves away from the keyboard to continue reading the book FIRE IN THE BELLY:On being a man by Prof Sam Keen *

@ adaybola

Adaybola: Hi, is the seat free ?

Guy :  yeah, i guess

Adaybola: I like your shirt/wristwatch/whatever he's putting on

guy : Thanks ( gives Adaybola a quick lookover )

Adaybola: Will start the conversation on his meal, movies, sports and get a hold on his interest.

guy: ( Hmm, this is intresting , i'll play it cool )

Adaybola: There’s this new movie “Salt”, I would love to see it.

Guy :  (keeps silent waiting for this babe to state her intentions )

Adaybola: Would you like to go to the cinema/hangout sometime?

guy : ( OMG !!! Is she asking me out ?! ok,  play it cool ) Hangout with,  you ?

Adaybola: Yes, Can we exchange complimentary cards/ numbers ?

Guy: (Allows a slight smile) are you serious or are you just playing a joke on me? ( Guy makes direct eyecontact with adaybola)

Adaybola : am not playing a joke on you,  i,  i  just  wanna get to know you  better

guy : ( is she blushing thats so cuuute!!!  but wait  i don't want to make it too easy for her )* in a cold tone of voice*  I don't give my complimentry card/numbers  to strangers , (waiting for her reaction)
 
Adaybola: Oh, ok, Nice chatting with you. I hope to see you again sometime soon. Enjoy the rest of the day (she gets up slowly to leave)

Guy : ( Wow , she genuinely looks disappointed ) Hey wait a minute (Adaybola turns around) on the other hand you could give me your number & maybe one of these days we could see a movie toghether and talk some more , to get to know each other

Adaybola : okay  ( smiles warmly )  here's my number ,hope to see you soon !

guy : okay,  bye ( i'll wait for 3 days ,  then i'll call her)

                                                                     THE   END

* Filani flashes back to the old English Literature Classic Novel  SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER by Oliver Goldsmith *

@ carolece
Av been following ur posts and replies you give to threads by other NL's  for a while now and have been trying to decide if the " stories " on ur life you post here are legit  or if ur just full of $hit. 

If these accounts on ur life are true however then you've really had a harsh past  &  i truly empathise with you but on the other hand carrying this venom in ur heart against all men[/b] is somthing you simply cannot give any excuse for NO MATTER HOW MUCH $HIT the men in ur past have put you through.

If i as a man held ALL women responsible for the cheating,slutty behavior of a few that i have been involved with & called them ALL worthless whores , as woman urself would you agree with my blanket generalization of women ?

I have always said here on NL that this relationship coin HAS TWO SIDES , there are guys out there that treat thier gurls bad ,yes,  BUT there are gurls out there who treat [b]good men who worship the ground they walk on worse the trash too! If i can rise above the bitter experience in my past & still maintain a positive opinion of women in general then where the hell do you get off labeling ALL MEN as evil  everytime ur on NL Is the intensity of ur pain any diffrent from mine? is the pain you felt so unique that it gives you somkinda divine right to be the way you are now? If you decide ur gonna swear off men for the rest of ur natural life then fine , THAT'S UR CHOICE ! but don't i repeat DON'T put that emotional baggage on other men out there who have not done a thing to hurt you !

Am sorry for the long post N'landers but like i said ,av been following  carolece for a while now and this post was the last straw. I empathise with her BUT she reeeeaaally needs to get her emotional house in order.

* filani sits down on his sofa to listen to soul soothing vocals from ENYA *

blank:
I know we are all liberated and stuff.
Me never reach that level.
No matter how much the love do me, i no fit yarn am first.
Most guys will just take advantage of that and say all sorts of things.

@ blank
I beg to differ with the above highlighted section of ur post . If we follow ur reasoning and put the shoe on the other leg , can we guys also not argue that most women will take advantage us when we commit ourselves to them verbally by saying i love you first

Hence following that mind set , most guys also decide to play thier cards close to thier chest !

Can you see the end result of such line of thought if embraced by both sides

STALEMATE! nobody wins , everybody loses

waterworks:
you were friEnds when the gurl was using him abi?
when he decided to move on u were still friends.
when they got back together u are still friends.

he was ok and i knew he had started liking me
as i gather he never told u hes feelings[/b]. it may be he started liking u or even better u liked him so u wer reading wat wasnt there. (we gurls do that a lot)

The fact is that he liked that girl first and always did. he saw u as a friend, u thot ther was more, he leaned on u when he needed u but he diddnt desert u. (u still go out dnt u?) i dont think he was tryin to use U. personally i think ure hurting cos u thot there was hope when that gurl wasnt there now she back and its 2 late.
[b]u dinnt make ure move quick!

@ waterworks
I love it when a girl can read a post like this and give a rational ,unbiased analysis rather than just jumping on the man bashing train. kudos to you girl , i second this opinion 

@ dcuddles
what can i say to you girl? waterworks has hit the nail on the head, a good guy ( a little naive maybe  ) but a good guy none the less fell right into ur hands and you let him slip away !

ah well, live & learn baby, live & learn 

@ apocalypse
Dude , why are you still talking like this ? this your babe is so smart she managed to screw up her life so bad b/4 she reached age 23  

@ apocalypse
I honestly don't see the dilema here for you. This babe is obviously bad news but you seem to be reluctant to do the smart thing by cutting her out of ur life as quickly as possible.

Are you waiting for her to have another drunken episode where she ends up fucking your best freind & defending herself by giving you the " i was drinking & dancing on the stage , then mistakenly slipped and fell on top of his dick " speech in order for you get the message ?

I believe you know deep in your heart that this girl is no good for you , just  MAN UP  and show her the way to the door b/4 she messes up the good life you have going for you right now .

@ sexy leamon
seriously girl ,what were you thinking when you started this thread? Oh Thats right you weren't really thinking were you? ^{admit it!}  . you were like '' am in a bad mood right now so i'll log on to nairaland and dump this two-bit drivel  online just for a cheap thrill " . Can you say IMMATURE

P.S    if your current guy falls into the '' Mr Right" group as you claim , doesn't it make sense that you would be too busy having the time of ur life with him to dump this trashy post on NL ?   i think ur spending too much time in La La Land ,  wake up !!!

Tranngirls:
Another example of man hating rubblish stop hating men, Poster i hate girls like you. Girls like you make guys call us gold diggers "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"" silly girl

@ Tranngirls
Tell me about it !!! everty time i turn around  more of this childish crap[/b]turns up on NL but you know what don't waste ur energy being mad at her rather you might even want to shed a tear for her since she has told us that being a pampered Bleep BUDDY  on a private yacht is her idea of a perfect relationship ! 

*Filani dancing to the Lyrics of the song [b]Golddigger by Kanye West*

[b]However with every good bunch of grapes there is always the sour one which makes you think the rest maybe just as bad! Take for instance a guy I went on a date with some time last year (lets call him Uche). We met up at a swanky bar in London and he was absolutely stunned when after scanning through the drinks menu filled with expensive drinks that I opted for lemonade (£5.60) instead of something pricier. He told me of a girl who he had met for the first time at a similar priced bar who had ordered a bottle of Louis Roederer Crystal Rose Champagne on his tab—a £500 bottle of champagne. Although he claimed he could easily afford it, he made it clear to her that he thought it was outrageous for her to order such an expensive drink. The poor girl was so embarrassed she changed her order to a bottle of mineral water!

Another friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend because, as he put it, ‘he was tired of being her daddy’. According to him she asked him for everything under the sun. Money for hair extensions, cloths, bags, shoes, petrol, make up and would get very upset or even withhold ‘extracurricular affairs’ if he delayed payment. The final straw came when she bought a set of matching gold earrings, necklace and bracelet worth N450, 000 and sent the trader to his office to harass him for the money!

So yeah, I agree. There are ‘some’ girls who put the ‘gold’ in gold digger but these are extreme cases.[/b]

@ deep soul
hmm,  ok i admit it ,your quote from facebook gives me food for thought as a guy. I was ready to dismiss it as just another biased feminist running her mouth off on facebook till she grudgeingly admitted that  gold digger girls are a clear and present danger for us guys( as quoted above) but even in the middle of that damning revelation she quickly tries to blunt the force of that admission by claiming that such girls are only in ''extreme cases'', i can't help but laugh at that one 

If girls like this are truly an extreme (i.e  rare) case then PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENTS would not exist in this world, that law was initially specifically introduced to protect wealthy men from the scourge of female financial predators and F.Y. I just becos  a girl that has her own money doesn't mean she can't be a gold digger !!! want proof ? when the TIGER WOODS sex scandal came to light  he was roundly condemned by all and sundry females & men alike but did you notice the actions of his rich supermodel wife ELIN NORDEGREN ? what was her primary concern at this low point in her marraige ? thats right , first chance she got she looked for a good lawyer to help her take tiger for half of everything he was worth !!!    hmmph! so much for the picture of the innocent longsuffering wife wronged by her cheating husband  . Bottom line, we guys don shine our eyes too, we are not intrested in being any girls MAGA !!! 

@ cheerie
I'll keep it short & sweet for you dear, if this issue bothers you that much , pick an appropriate moment ( NOT AFTER SEX PLS!!! ) and raise your fears with your guy, so both of you can work it out. best of luck to you 

Ebonyeyes:
Well you passed the test, I wonder why your not out popping champagne

you're just kidding right ? you honestly don't see anything wrong with what the posters gurl did ?^{lawd av mercy}  are you telling us here on NL  that if your guy did same to you it would be like,  it's  all good , no biggie to you ?, yeah  right  . i am willing to bet that if ur guy did such you wld slap him upside the head several times , break up wit him on the spot and then log on to nairaland to start a man bashing thread about how childish and silly all men are !!! * filani thumbs his nose mentally at feminist man haters reading the thread * 

H2O2:
puppy games from an insecure girl. your last doesn't trust you fully

I agree, insecure and childish !!! this gurl is setting a dangerous precedent , if sql- error is foolish enough to take this lightly then where will her need to continue testing him end ? she even went as far as telling him to expect more tests !!! can you beat  that ? very soon she will set W.A.E.C  and JAMB for him   LOL 

ThoniaSlim:
BULL CRAP!

So if a man's been beating you. . .you'll stick with him because the devil you know is better than the angel you dont? You kidding me right?

As for your second part of the statement. . .There are decent girls out there who stick to one man and do not hop like frogs from one bed to another. . .So say that's what you do and your very smart at it!

@topic
Dude drop her like its HOT cus if you didn't catch her. . .she'll never have told YOU!

HELL YEAH !!! enuff said 

Hello ,

as far as i know the current practise is that you can apply for a withdawal of 25% of the current balance in ur retiement savings account . contact ur PFA and u  they will advise u on what docmentions are needed to apply for the withdrawal, best of luck !!

estrella:
There are too many streotypes about naija girls and it's really becoming annoying.How about those girls who pay for a guy's clothes,food,bills,pay for the guy to take them out,pay when the guy takes them out, how about those girls who literally bend over for their men when it comes to love? ain't they naija? they don't count now right? Ýáll should stop being so goddam predictable in your answers and take another look around, there are naija girls who have a lot to offer.With the caliber of backside holes roaming the streets these days its hard for a girl to offer anything at all whether its a megawatt smile or not , You guys have had good women in the past, ask yoursleves what happened that ended it? why did u let a good naija girl go? You don't like what youre getting from naija girls? ask yourslef what ure giving, It ain't all about the money!

@ estrella
I will speak for myself & not guys in general when i say i empathise with your frustration as evidenced in your post , but b4 you run out there & join the ever growing legion of feminist manhaters allow me to show you the other side of the coin using your own post.

There are too many stereotypes about naija guys e.g( guys are always the cheats in a relationship ) & it really becomes annoying ! wat about the guys that stood up for his girl wen her '' girlfreinds'' told him dat she was cheatin behind his back? wat about the guys who bends his natural logical thinking over backwards for thier girls when it comes to love i.e maga ? wat about the guys who drives across town to be with his girl on vals day even though he's fighting off a bad bout of malaria just to meet up with her ''romantic'' ideals ? they don't count now right ?

there are good guys out there ( yes you heard me) with somtin to offer & quite a number of girls screaming for blood on NL if they suddenly decide to be honest will tell you that at one point or another they met such guys in the past , but wat happened to end it ? why did they let a good guy go

just  food for your tots 

omega25red:
Poster

rules to live by:
never marry anyone who plans to change things that are important to you like your religion or political views
never marry someone who doesn't appreciate the things you do even if it is money spent
never marry someone who always has to have their way without trying to at least compromise
never marry someone who is all over you when things are going well but runs away when you have a pit fall
And never ever ever ever ever have a baby by someone like that hoping that things will change because you have a baby together.

run from that woman she seems sellfish (from what you told us) and she will only make your life hell at least she showed you her true self quickly

My broda you don talk am finish  I second this opinion BIG TIME !!!