₦airaland Forum

We have a fairly used Hyundai Sonata  Gls shipped from Europe for sale (pics attached).

This is a very good buy at a very very good price (N750k), and It's gonna go fast and will be on a first come, first serve.

For more info, you can email back or use the contact details below.

Joy Chinwe
08034939213
Echewe Chris
08035611249

Hello All,

I will be arriving Ottawa (University of Ottawa) on the 31th August 2010, and I will be very glad if I can meet some kind and nice Nigerian(s) that will help me find my way round the city. This is my first time!!!

You can reach me here : chisoftltd@gmail.com

Warm regards

Hello All,

Blessed be the creator and the good members of this forum!

As you all have helped many in need, please i need the contact of any kind person living in Ottawa, Canada!
I have been admitted into University of Ottawa for MSc and have a visa, but dont know any one there.

Please any other advice and tips about job in Ottawa and Canada are highly appreciated.
This my email: chinweub@yahoo.com

God Bless!

Am new to this forum, hence my request might have been treated before or not! Yet, do kindly advice me!

In Nov 2007, I applied for Skilled Worker / Professional Immigration at the Canadian embassy UK, which is still at the initial processing stage.
However, now i have two years student visa.

So, what is the implication of my studentship on my Skilled Worker / Professional Immigration?
Do the processing of my Skilled Worker / Professional Immigration gets faster, slower or stall?

Please am about to apply for study visa with Canadian embassy in UK, as i have admission to University of Ottawa MSc Electronic Business Technology (EBT) , and need ideas about how to word some points in the requested Study plan.

These point are:

•Why do you wish to study in Canada in the program for which you have been accepted?

•What is your overall educational goal?

•Why are you not pursuing a similar program in your country of residence/citizenship?

•What research have you done into studies in your country of residence/citizenship?

•How will this program enhance your employment opportunities in your country of residence/citizenship?

What ties do you have to your country of residence/citizenship?

@Hotstepper

yes, there is an underscore!
nna_bc 'at' yahoo.com

Chinwe

yes, there is an underscore!
nna_bc@yahoo.com

Chinwe

@Hotstepper
@Fhemmmy
@BigBashiru

I have followed your kind and informative advice, is it possible i can communicate you via email : nna_bc@yahoo.com?
I have admission at Uni. Of Ottawa.

Chinwe

Question: "What would you like to drink ,  fruit juice, soda, tea, milo,
chocolate, or coffee?"

Answer: "Tea please"

Question: Ceylon tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, ice tea or green
tea?"

Answer: " Ceylon tea please"

Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"

Answer: "White please"

Question: "Milk, whitener, or condensed milk?"
Answer: "Milk please "

Question: "Goat milk, camel milk or cow milk?"

Answer: "Cow milk please."

Question: "Milk from Freezeland or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer : " Afrikaner cow please."

Question: " Warm or cold?"

Answer: "Warm please."

Question: "Full cream, low fat or fat free?"

Answer: "Umm ,  I'll rather take it black please."

Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar please."

Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

Answer: "Cane sugar please."

Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"

Answer: "Just forget about the tea. I'll have a glass of water instead
please."

Question: "Mineral or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water please."

Question: "Flavoured or non-flavoured ?"

Answer: "Hey futsek mann! Just get me water from the river,  I don't
wanna know which river, and stop asking me too many questions. NXA!

1. Enjoy this;

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves;
They took it out to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves;
Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;
Uganda in 7mins it caught 20,000 thieves,

Nigeria, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

I thought I told you not to laugh? ?
Nigeria, we hail thee.


2. Theft mars Nigerian 're-branding'

The handset was swiped as Isawa Elaigwu entered the conference centre
Thieves stole a mobile phone belonging to a member of a new team campaigning to improve Nigeria's image as a country riddled by crime and chaos

Enjoy this;

1.

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves;
They took it out to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves;
Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;
Uganda in 7mins it caught 20,000 thieves,

Nigeria, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

I thought I told you not to laugh? ?



2. Theft mars Nigerian 're-branding' 

The handset was swiped as Isawa Elaigwu entered the conference centre
Thieves stole a mobile phone belonging to a member of a new team campaigning to improve Nigeria's image as a country riddled by crime and chaos. [url]http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7948864.stm[url]
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7948864.stm




Nigeria, we hail thee.

EVERY COUNTRY (CITY) IS UNDER PRESSURE, SO OYIBE SPARE LAGOS PLEASE



One in 50 US kids is homeless: report

WASHINGTON (AFP) — One in 50 American children is homeless and the economic crisis hitting the United States will make the problem worse, a report released Tuesday said.
"Without a voice, more than 1.5 million of our nation's children go to sleep without a home each year," said the "America's Young Outcasts" report by the National Center on Family Homelessness.

The child homelessness crisis is the worst since the Great Depression, says the report, which looked at the years 2005-06 -- or before the economic slump had fully hit the United States.

Children without homes are twice as likely to go hungry, more than twice as likely as middle class children to have health problems, and run twice the risk of other children of repeating a grade at school, being expelled or suspended, or not finishing high school, the report said.
"At least 25 percent have witnessed violence, and 22 percent have been separated from their families," the report says of homeless children.

"About half of all school-age children experiencing homelessness have problems with anxiety and depression, and 20 percent of homeless preschoolers
have emotional problems that require professional care," it said.

The report looked only at homeless families with children under the age of 18. Runaways were not included in the statistics, even if some are minors.
"It is unacceptable for one child in the United States to be homeless for even one day," it said, slamming the US government and media for ignoring the plight of homeless children while doling out huge sums of money to help "grossly overpaid bankers, captains of industry and carmakers" in 2008.
"What does it say about our country that we are willing to bail out banks but not our smallest most vulnerable citizens?" the report asked.

The economic slump which hit the United States last year "will surely add to the legions of children who are homeless," and failure to act against child homelessness would have consequences that will play out for years.
"It is virtually impossible to reclaim the life of a child who has spent his childhood without a home," warned the report.


http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5huA-EXrZ3xKk-hyZZUt200oTAqXQ

By Tobi Soniyi and Sunday Ojeme
Published: Friday, 6 Feb 2009

The Court of Appeal in Abuja on Thursday nullified the revocation of the licence of Savannah Bank Plc seven years ago by the Central Bank of Nigeria.


In a unanimous decision, a panel of three justices of the court set aside an earlier judgment of a Federal High Court, Abuja, which upheld the revocation of the licence.

The court presided over by Justice Uwani Abba-Aji gave Savannah Bank 18 months within which to recapitalise to the tune of N25bn.

It also ordered the Federal Government to pay N100m as damages to the bank whose promoter is a former Governor of old Anambra State and an erstwhile Senator, Chief Jim Nwobodo.

Arguing that the revocation must have been motivated by malice, the court restrained the CBN and the Nigerian Deposit Insurance Corporation from interfering with the bank’s licence.

Reacting, the bank’s lawyer, Mr. Oluwemimo Ogunde, hailed the judgment and assured depositors and shareholders of the bank that their interests would be protected “in absolute terms.”

Ogunde said, “We will approach the CBN and the NDIC to give us the statement of affairs, the total amount found in the vault as well as the properties and other assets of the bank.

“When we know the amount of money we have, we will know how much to add to it to meet the new capital base for banks.

“Depositors will not lose out. We are determined to give all our customers their dues.”

He also expressed confidence that the Nigerian Stock Exchange would relist the bank’s shares on the exchange. The bank was delisted after its licence was revoked.

The lawyer explained that the appeal court’s judgment had vindicated the management’s claim that the licence was revoked for reasons which had nothing to do with the bank’s health.

He added that the cooperation of the regulatory authorities would determine how soon the bank would re-open for business.

“We will draw a time-table to determine when the bank re-opens,” Ogunde said.

When contacted, an apparent elated Nwobodo told one of our correspondents on the telephone on Thursday that he had just received the news, like any other person.

He said he would like to respond at a later date after consulting with his lawyers because of the legality of the matter.

When reminded that he was at the centre of the case as chairman of the bank, he said it was still necessary for him to appraise the judgment before making any comment.

Nwobodo said, “Thank you my brother. But I would not want to talk now, until I meet with my lawyers.

“Please call me tomorrow (today), by then I would let you have my comments. ”

The then Minister of State for Finance, Senator Jubril Martins-Kuye, had said that the CBN revoked the licence not because the bank was in distress but because it flouted some regulations.

He had said, ”Savannah Bank may have been shut down for reasons given by the CBN. You have to ask yourselves, was distress part of the reasons? My feeling is no.

”I wondered why CBN slammed the bank a sledge hammer straight away, if it is a case of a little distress. So, my mind tells me it may have little to do with regulatory application.

”I am sure that the reasons given by the CBN for the closure of the bank did not include the fact that the bank was distressed.”

Shortly after the licence was revoked, Savannah Bank’s management filed a suit at the Federal High Court in Abuja asking for a declaration that the revocation was a nullity.

Apart from asking for an order restraining CBN and NDIC from interfering with its licence, it also demanded N100bn as damages.

On October 20, 2006, Justice Stephen Adah upheld the revocation of the licence, saying the CBN complied with all statutory provisions in taking the decision.

He had said, “From the totality of evidence, it is clear that the regulatory authorities complied with the Company and Allied Matters Act 1990 as well as the Banking and Other Financial Institution Act through the course of their action.

“The defendants went through due process up till the decision to revoke the plaintiff’s operational licence, which is the subject matter of the plaintiff’s action before the court.”

The court held that there was nothing to show that CBN wound up the bank out of malice and vindictiveness.

Dissatisfied with the judgment, the bank’s management went on appeal.

In one of the grounds of appeal, the bank contended that Adah erred in reaching his decision that CBN rightly revoked the licence.

In the course of the trial, the acting Managing Director of the bank, Mr. Thompson Onwubiko, said “evil intention” was the main reason why the CBN and the NDIC shut down the bank.

He said the two regulatory bodies asked the bank to re-capitalise with N5.4bn in three months to which it begged for one year.

Onwubiko added that the management told the CBN and the NDIC that it would be difficult for the bank to meet up with the three months and that the procedure for re-capitalising a bank of such size was complex.

He explained that for the bank to re-capitalise, it would have to go through the Securities Exchange Commission, call an Annual General Meeting of its over 85,000 shareholders and get their approval.

He also said that the health of the bank was nothing to write home about at the time the new core investors took over in 2000.

Onwubiko told the court that at the time he assumed office as acting managing director , the share capital of the bank was just N500m and that within one year, the capital base rose to over N1bn.

He further said that the bank’s management discovered that a number of things had gone wrong at the time they took over which the CBN and the NDIC were aware of through a letter asking them for assistance and consideration.

According to him, instead of considering their plea, the regulatory authorities moved against the bank and revoked its licence.

The court had earlier directed the CBN to return the licence of Societe Generale Bank, which was also liquidated under controversial circumstances.

When can we start collecting our money WITH APPROPIATE INTEREST?  , MORE THAN EIGHT YEARS INTEREST NA BIG MONEY OOOOO!!!

I think its time for new strategy in the interaction between the West and Arab world. Lets wait and see how his mothed play out, time will tell.

Meanwhile, talking about Obama's policies, What is the impliation of his propose new energy plan for Nigeria economy? If US plans to depned less on oil for their energy need, Nigeria, like other oil producing countries should be worry?


Can we suggest what Nigeria should do before the raining day?

I think its time for new strategy in the interaction between the West and Arab world. Lets wait and see how his mothed play out, time will tell.

Meanwhile, talking about Obama's policies, What is the impliation of his propose new energy plan for Nigeria economy? If US plans to depned less on oil for their energy need, Nigeria, like other oil producing countries should be worry?


Can we suggest what Nigeria should do before the raining day?

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!



2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.

Think about it.



3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside

. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!



4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!

That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!



5. Every lady hopes

that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!



6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said

, he who never lived, cannot die!



7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!



8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,

but we chose Marriage, slow sure!



9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!



10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!



11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- We should learn to love our enemies-



12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…



13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking! So drink.

www.FunAndFunOnly.net





"Jesus cares for you"

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=1035





charlie - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:53:PM

This was great, someone was thinking.

I like Jacque traping suits.

However on a postive note Mr. Bean should be in the Dog House he would be great company for Oscar and just think how delightful he would be with the ladies on the board.

Have a Merry Christmas
skypilot - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:30:PM

OH LADIES, WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED YOU LIKED THIS. THERE'S ONE FOR YOU TOO, YOU KNOW. I WON'T NAME IT BUT YOU CAN GUESS. OK, I'LL BE HONEST, YOU DON'T ALL DESERVE IT, BUT MY EX EARNED PERMANENT RESIDENCE.
jack wraith - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:08:PM

There sure are a lot of comments on this clip. I thought it was well produced and very entertaining, so were a lot of the comments.
onwisconsn - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 11:59:AM

Why is it ok for a woman to give her husband tools for projects, working in the garage etc., but not the other way around? Why is it a one way road? Not to say that I am ignorant enough to buy anything that would either make it appear that I want her to work harder/more efficently, or anything that would suggest that she isn't perfect,
MeeMee - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 11:53:AM

I can't help it----I thought it was hililarious~~meaning i really liked it !!! my hubby needs to get in sometime !!
yvonneG - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 10:53:AM

mom of5, you got to be kidding me, you keep holding things like that in! , and he will not be the first one to die!! I believe it is fine to say hey can you please put your bottle in the trash!! ,then let it go! HOw is he to know it you do not tell him! little things like that can become BIG things!
MomOf5 - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 09:54:AM

A few times a week my husband will have a beer and leave the bottle on the kitchen counter. In 17 years of marriage I have NEVER said one negative comment b/c I think that it could also NOT be there as well. Given that the majority of women outlive men, one day it might not ever be there again.

On a lighter note, this was a lot of acting/staging to get the "don't give your wife tasteless bad gifts" idea across. Poor guys never saw it coming.

P.S. my hubby gives thoughtful gifts
xdelilah - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 07:08:AM

Sorry, I meant Lala
xdelilah - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 07:06:AM

LaLa- It depends what you do with the necklace,
Viral Marketing - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 06:00:AM

That video is part of a JC Penny's advertising campaign whose purpose is to sell diamond jewelry.

That's called viral marketing. The viewers disseminate the video or website to other like-minded viewers on behalf of the sponsors who hope to make a sale.

That's the theory, but I don't know if viral marketing delivers sales in large enough number to offset the costs of production.

Be sure to enjoy Burger King's old wwwdotsubservientchickendotcom website. Replace the DOTs with dots.
the nut - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 03:05:AM

too late today, eh
Flo - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 01:35:AM

1.

Really not funny . .BUT, men should make a gift more personable. Other times, a gift of a vacuum cleaner, etc. is ok if it is not a special occasion. My Husband just says, see what I got for you today if it is just something we need and comes for no special reason, except that we need it or maybe could finally afford it.
Flo - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 01:34:AM

2.

I am not the kind that needs expensive gifts. Just a hug and a kiss and a word of appreciation for you can go a long way. A little something is nice if it is in our budget, depending on our circumstances. . Any time or any holidays where people have to spend the next year to get out of debt because they felt obligated to spend beyond their means is crazy.
Lala - Added Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:30:AM

WOW, i cannot put the word GREAT before the word MEMORIES! Those perverts disallowed it as a phrase, the last 3 letters of great and the first 2 of memories! this filter would TEACH phrases to kids! LMAO!

Please how did that man get his Professorship? He is a disgrace! I hope that title is withdrawn from him!

Maybe is IWU that is spamming this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That man is capable of anything oooooooooooooooooooo!

I hope Adams Oshiomhole take him to court for rule in Edo governorship election, he can't survive that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What this dude said about Nigerian women

1. They are Massive in Size
2. They should be commanded
3. Do not get her pregnant


Here is the video link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg-B2umxdwI


more videos http://www.youtube.com/user/BriceLamont

What do you think?

Nigerians will kill us oooooo, , look at the email from Nigerian scamer to Wall Street

From: Minister of the Treasury Paulson

Subject: Request for urgent confidential business relationship

Dear American: I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am minister of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of US$700bn. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. This transaction is 100 per cent safe. This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as next of kin so the funds can be transferred. Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours faithfully, Minister of Treasury Paulson, Nigeria, Washington DC

Never let it be said that the dealers on Wall Street and the City of London have lost their sense of humour, even as their jobs and share options slide down the financial plug hole: this spoof of a Nigerian crook's spam email has been doing the rounds of the trading desks on both sides of the Atlantic.
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/dominic-lawson/dominic-lawson-the-borrowers-must-take-their-share-of-the-blame-too-942756.html

[center][center]The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had s3x all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying b*stard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' th e wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,!

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'[/center][/center]

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS! >>

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the
son replies : ' WHITE '.

He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.

Then he tells the son:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[center]The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had s3x all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying b*stard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' th e wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,!

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'[/center]

This is worth sharing!!!!! !!!!!!
Very informative mail for you, please don't forget to forward.

Would you like to know if your mobile is original or not ??

Press the following on your mobile *#06# and the-international mobile equipment identity number appears. Then check the 7th and 8th numbers:


                             1  2  3  4  5  6  7th  8th  9  10  11  12  13  14  15

Phone serial no.    x  x   x  x  x  x   ?       ?    x   x    x     x    x    x     x

IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 02 or 20 this means your cell phone was assembled in Emirates which is very Bad quality

IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 08 or 80 this means your cell phone was manufactured in Germany which is fair quality

IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 01 or 10 this means your cell phone was manufactured in Finland which is very Good

IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 00 this means your cell phone was manufactured in original factory which is the best Mobile Quality

IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 13 this means your cell phone was assembled in Azerbaijan which is very Bad quality and also dangerous for your health
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an  emergency tool for
survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: -


(1 )

EMERGENCY

* The Emergency Number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112 , * If you find
yourself out of co verage area of your mobile network and there is an
emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to
establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. **Try it out.**

(2)

Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote keys?
This may co me in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call
someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a   foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You co uld be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"*

(3)

Hidden Battery power
Imagine your cell battery is very low , you are expecting an important call
and you don't have a charger. Nokia instrument co mes with a reserve
battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with
this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This
reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.
AND

(4 )
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:
* # 0 6 #
A 15 digit co de will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this co de. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

Press release
http://www.thepatrioticvanguard.com/article.php3?id_article=3095

http://www.google.com/search?oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&client=firefox-a&um=1&hl=en&nolr=1&q=deportation+of+Nigerian+citizens+and+other+Africans&btnmeta%3Dsearch%3Dsearch=Search+the+Web

Immigrants and refugees from Nigeria and other African countries living in Germany are suffering massive deportation. They are continuously denied the chance for asylum or regular stay as the German authorities enforce efforts to expel them by force.

The Nigerian embassy in Germany is playing a crucial role for this policy: It is actively supporting the deportation of Nigerian citizens and other Africans by carrying out so-called “identification hearings” for issuing traveling documents (TCs) for deportations.

The next of such deportation hearing is planned to take place from 16th till 18th of September in Dortmund/Federal state of Nordrhein-Westfalen.

Mr. Olushola Adeagbo, spokesman of the Human Rights organisation “Caravan for the Rights of Refugees and Migrants“, strongly condemns the Nigerian embassy’s support for deportations: “It seems as if the Nigerian embassy has become a central agency for the deportation of African migrants and refugees!”

“It is one of the most shocking treatments of refugees in Germany that the embassies of African countries are collaborating in this desecration of fundamental human rights. The most prominent of these collaborators is the Nigerian embassy in Germany.“

“The aim of the German authorities is clear: Accelerating massive deportation of Nigerians and other Africans from Liberia, Togo, Sudan who are forced to attend hearings with the main aim to deport them to Nigeria.“

“The deportation service for the German authorities is a profitable business for the Nigerian embassy as they receive 250 Euro for every interview and 250 Euro more for each Travel Certificate (TC) issued.“

“Refugees and Migrants are forced to attend “Identification Hearings” against their will through various repressive means including imprisonment, by the local German authorities.

It has come to the extent that deportation hearings with the Nigerian embassy is taking place every month, each time in a different region or city of Germany: The Nigerian embassy officials were in Halberstadt in January 2008, in February they were in Dortmund, March in Ludwigsburg, April in Leipzig, June in Munich and in July they were in Karlsruhe.

The latest Nigerian embassy hearing took place from 12th till 14th of August once again in Halberstadt/Sachsen Anhalt. Most of the victims were forcefully conveyed to the venue by the police. Some of them reported that they were brought to the Nigerian embassy officials in handcuffs.

Mr. Olushola Adeagbo states about the upcoming Nigerian embassy hearing from 16th till 18th of September in Dortmund as follows: “Based on the previous experiences with Nigerian embassy hearings, we expect that once again, African Refugees and Migrants will be facing massive violations of their personal freedom.”

Meanwhile, activists of the Nigerian-African community in Germany, together with German anti-racist activists, have started organising complaint and protest against the Nigerian embassy’s deportation policy.

A meeting of Nigerian community activists with the Nigerian ambassador Mr. Abdul-Kadir Bin Rimdap has been scheduled for 14th of September 2008.

“We want to make clear to His Excellency that our embassy must own up to its real responsibility for the welfare of its citizens residing abroad rather than collaborating in the deportation abuse and otherwise,” says Mr. Rex Osa, spokesman for the Nigerian-African Community Forum.

The Caravan for the Rights of Refugees and Migrants is happy to answer further questions.

Our contact address: Karawane, c/o EineWeltHaus, Schwanthalerstr. 80, 80336 München, Germany, Europe.

E-mail: nigeria-anti-deportation [at] carava.net

For more detailed information, see our internet feature: http://carava.net/nigerian-embassy/

Photo: Chief Ojo Maduekwe, Nigeria’s Foreign minister.

If ladies were banks:

The tall slim ones would be called -----------Skye bank

The robust and spacious ones-----Oceanic bank

The ones that move from one relationship to another----- --Intercontinent al bank

The silent but dangerous ones -----------Firstinl and bank

Those who are not cute yet they love being heard------- ------- Bank PHB

Those who stick to one man--------- -------Fidelity bank

Those who seems caring yet debit you massively for every affection--- --------- -UBA

Those that go to any extend to make you sad--------- -------Zenith bank

Those who are old yet they don't realize they are no more in vogue------- -----Union bank

The brief and summarized ones-------- ----Micro Finance

The huge ones that ''stand gidigba for ground'----- ------Firstbank

The beautiful, reserved and homely-----Diamond Bank

The ones that must spend their annual vacation abroad even when the husband is broke ----------- GTB

If ladies were banks:

The tall slim ones would be called -----------Skye bank

The robust and spacious ones-----Oceanic bank

The ones that move from one relationship to another----- --Intercontinent al bank

The silent but dangerous ones -----------Firstinl and bank

Those who are not cute yet they love being heard------- ------- Bank PHB

Those who stick to one man--------- -------Fidelity bank

Those who seems caring yet debit you massively for every affection--- --------- -UBA

Those that go to any extend to make you sad--------- -------Zenith bank

Those who are old yet they don't realize they are no more in vogue------- -----Union bank

The brief and summarized ones-------- ----Micro Finance

The huge ones that ''stand gidigba for ground'----- ------Firstbank

The beautiful, reserved and homely-----Diamond Bank

The ones that must spend their annual vacation abroad even when the husband is broke ----------- GTB

http://www.skyscrapercity.com/showthread.php?t=428406


In Africa, a New Middle-Income Consumerism

Denis Ruharo, a Ugandan entrepreneur, is able to spend his salary on Diesel jeans and a health club membership. More private sector employment has expanded the ranks of sub-Saharan Africa's middle-income earners. (Photos By Stephanie Mccrummen -- The Washngton Post)
By Stephanie McCrummenWashington Post Foreign Service
Monday, September 1, 2008; Page A01


KAMPALA, Uganda -- Meet Denis Ruharo, an entrepreneur with a master's degree, a man who carries a BlackBerry and two Nokia cellphones, buys organic greens at a grocery store and sometimes does business over a cold Nile beer at a club called Silk.

"I have the mortgage and home improvement, " he said, glancing at the budget he and his wife keep on their computer. "The car, carwash and parking tickets. Entertainment -- cable TV, two movies a month. The health club. Then normally we vacation twice a year. Last time it was Nairobi."

"What else," he said, scrolling down on his Mac PowerBook. "Newspapers, charity, clothes, books and CDs . . . "

In a region more often associated with grinding poverty, Ruharo is part of a modestly growing segment of sub-Saharan Africa -- upwardly mobile, low- to middle-income consumers.

The group includes working Africans who make as little as $200 a month, a paltry sum by Western standards, yet hardly the $1 or so a day in earnings that describe life for about half the continent's population. Perhaps a third of all Africans, or 300 million people, fall into a middle category -- people struggling to put their kids through school and pay rent, but able to buy a cellphone or DVD once in a while.

Their buying power is evident around Kampala, a green and hilly city where iron-sheet homes are interspersed with high-rise condos, streets are crowded with bikes and Japanese sedans, and the city's newest mall, Oasis, is under construction. It will be anchored by what amounts to sub-Saharan Africa's first Target-style superstore chain, Nakumatt, which sells corn flour, aromatherapy bath salts and nearly everything else. The company is opening two other superstores here, plus two in Rwanda, three in Tanzania and 11 in Kenya, where it began as a trading firm in the 1960s.

"It's psychological -- people want upward movement," said Thiagarajan Ramamurthy, Nakumatt's operations director. "The appetite is increasing -- the 14-inch TV became a 21-inch. The 21 became a 29 and the 29 became plasma. It's an aspiration."

Although the continent has always had a modest middle class made up mostly of government workers or others tied to the ruling elite, the middle ranks have begun to expand in recent years with private sector employees. They include secretaries, computer gurus, merchants and others who by virtue of education, geography or luck have benefited from economic growth of around 6 percent annually in such countries as Uganda, Ghana and Kenya, and around 8 percent in Rwanda. Increasingly, they are entrepreneurs such as Ruharo, who represents the wealthier end of the spectrum and whose company is an offshoot of the newly booming cellphone industry.

Though critics say the trickledown effect is meager, others credit leaders of those countries with adopting relatively sound economic policies that have allowed the private sector to expand, driving what analysts say is the highest level of consumer demand the continent has ever seen.

Nakumatt's annual sales have increased from $100 million in 2004 to a projected $350 million this year. That's peanuts compared with Wal-Mart, which has annual sales of $350 billion. But Ramamurthy expects the growth to continue and the company to surpass a billion dollars in annual sales in the next decade.

As he and other observers see it, the growth of consumer culture reflects something more significant than the availability of Chilean wines and red patent leather pumps from Paris. It reflects a gradual opening up of African economies, a freer flow of information and a parallel rise in expectations, some political.

During Kenya's recent post-election crisis, for instance, many observers say people in this middle group, who were steadily losing money, helped to pressure the country's warring political leaders into a compromise.



Sisters Mariam, left and Kahadija Adam hang out at Kampala's Garden City mall. People go to be seen, Mariam says, even if they can't afford much.


Middle-income Africans are spawning the advent of new services, such as fertility treatments and funeral homes. And their habits are changing how people define themselves.

For example, although older Ugandans were forced to see themselves in terms of ethnicity during the brutal reign of Idi Amin, Ruharo's identity has more to do with where he shops and what he buys, which in turn reflects the wider world he greets each day on the Internet and cable TV or on occasional trips to London.

"What matters is your lifestyle," said Ruharo, whose current reading includes a motivational book, "The Greatness Guide."

"The car you drive -- it should be a Japanese import. Where you hang. You have to live in an apartment -- I live down here in Bakoto Flats. The BlackBerry is important. It's purely a status symbol because no one here is that busy yet."

Ruharo, who started his own business developing text-messaging products for cellphone companies, now has 14 employees, recent college graduates who share his taste for Diesel jeans and iPods. He said the growing consumerism, including his own, is because "people are more exposed to the world than 10 years ago" and because of a stretch of stability in a country with a turbulent political history.

Although President Yoweri Museveni has been criticized for treading the path to dictatorship -- he's been in power more than 20 years and has imprisoned political enemies -- he has been praised for policies that have fueled a steady economic upswing since the 1990s. Extreme poverty in Uganda, defined as those who earn less than $1 a day, has been cut in half to about 30 percent.

Vijay Mahajan, a business professor at the University of Texas in Austin, recently coined the phrase "Africa 2s" to describe people who are neither desperately poor (Africa 3s) nor obnoxiously rich (Africa 1s), and says the middle group is one of the most important drivers of economic growth in Africa.

"I'm convinced that Africa is going to be built by Africa 2s," said Mahajan, who has written a book, "Africa Rising," on the subject. "These are the people sending their kids to school . . . who are the most optimistic, the most forward-thinking. "

Kenyan economist James Shikwati suggested that middle-income consumers are also a driving force for political change.

"It's empowering," he said. "If you give people a sense of freedom in the economic sector, then you deny it in the political sector, you have a problem."

On a Tuesday afternoon in Kampala, the parking lot of the Garden City mall was full of Africa 2s, people pushing carts past fake palm trees to their sport-utility vehicles, or, like Zubedah Nanfuka, shopping inside the dimly lit, air-conditioned expanse.

"It's the one place you can be international and keep up with friends from Western countries," said Nanfuka, a 27-year-old program assistant at an embassy who until recently hosted a local lifestyle TV show called "Cook and Dine." "If you say, 'I shop at Garden City,' it puts you in a certain class."

Nanfuka buys clothes from boutiques in the mall once a month or so, she said. She shops at the bookstore, stops for an ice cream and recently enjoyed cocktails at the rooftop bar before the local premiere of "Sex and the City." Although Nanfuka is heading to the United States to get a master's degree this fall, she said she plans to come back to Kampala to work.

"It's an ongoing struggle, but I think things are promising here," she said, as people traipsed past shelves of flat-screen televisions or sat on benches under hanging ferns.

Adams Lorika was there taking a break. Her mother was a rural shopkeeper, and her father was exiled during Amin's rule for being from the wrong ethnic group, but her life is better by many measures, she said. She married a man who earns a decent salary shipping imports to shops such as those in the mall; she works at a store selling housewares. Together, they earn about $1,000 a month, of which she can spend about $50 on movies, shoes or dining out. They have a bank account and are in the process of obtaining a mortgage to buy a house.

"I come on Saturday with the kids," Lorika said. "They hang out and eat at the food court. The prices here are a bit expensive, but if you want something, you have to go for it."

A young woman in jeans and a tie-dye headscarf was yelling into a red metallic cellphone: "I'm coming! Have a drink!" heading toward the Chick'n Express in the food court. Mariam Adam, a cosmetologist and playwright, said that her friends come to the mall even though they can't afford to buy much. She said it's not so much about shopping, but rather what the mall represents.

"People come to be seen here, so people assume you have money, even though that may not be the case. Things have changed a lot," she said, recalling the days when she felt shabby compared with a visitor from London. "Now, someone from London can come and they're wearing the same shoes I have."

A small touching story mainly for professionals. ,



A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his
5-year old son waiting for him at the door.




SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"


DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.



SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"


DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"

the man said angrily.


SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an

hour?"


DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."


SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.



SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"







The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you

can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then
you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about

why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this
childish behavior."



The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.


The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little

boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some
money?


After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to

think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that
Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to

the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.



"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.



"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.


"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the

man.


"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you, Here's the

Rs.50 you asked for."


The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He

yelled.


Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry

again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up
at his father.



"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father
grumbled.



"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.


"Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?



Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with
you."



The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he
begged for his forgiveness.



It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We
should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some

time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.


Do remember to share that Rs.100 worth of your time with someone you love.


If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of days.

But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the
rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than to our family.

watch at
http://www.eurovisionsports.tv/olympics/
use IE

LAGOS, Nigeria — The governor’s son sits hunched at the bar, contemplating his nearly empty bottle of Hennessy. On the dance floor, the airline director’s daughter sways back and forth to a hip-hop beat. Nearby, the star soccer player, just in from London, tries to squeeze past his growing circle of fans and hangers-on. In the center of the club, the oil magnate’s son gets on top of a table and takes a swig from a bottle of Dom Pérignon.
Skip to next follow storyhttp://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/13/world/africa/13lagos.html?scp=1&sq=lagos&st=cse

An Ibo man was converted to Islam, after all said and done; he was asked what name he would like to bear. He was given

options of Ibrahim (Abraham), Suleiman (Solomon), Musa (Moses) and a host of others. The Ibo man asked of what good

were the names, then the Imam said if you choose any name, there will be hope that God will bless you the way He

blessed those with the names originally. The Ibo man thought for a while…………………………………………………………………………and

then asked the Imam "how about Dangote?"