@ Op : Pity abt your troubles, especially in this foreign land , and no family members around.

If some jobs are beneath your man, maybe you should discuss some horny4u business ideas , maybe HE is business type, and don't want work anybody.

Meanwhile, thank horny4u for those idea , sure it will benefit savvy once in this forum.

Also, before you throw him out, do discuss this unfortunate situation with yours and his family , maybe there could be someone that could talk sense into him.

Great that you posted this here , sure there are many in same shoe like u.
"
More great,  are all who have taking time to advice you.

I know either u travel or not, u need financial discipline to succeed, and that u need ur wife support.
on this note, I will ask you to discuss your intentions and the advice (good ppl of NL) have left here with u wife. If
she understand the big picture , pros and consd
cons, u will be amazed at her reply. If u both are same page, u likely to make a better decision.

http://www.lufthansa.com/online/portal/lh_com/de/homepage?l=en&cid=18002&command=cc&lang=en

Conditions for this offer

Purchase by: 23.08.2011
Departure period: 01.09.2011-31.10.2011

Return period: 04.09.2011-31.01.2012
Advance Purchase Period: 7 days

Minimum stay: 6 days or the night between Saturday and Sunday
Maximum stay: 3 months

Changes are not permitted
Tickets are non-refundable

Discounts: infants 0-1 yrs 90% of adult fare

Fares are subject to availability, changes depending on currency rates and routings. Promotion only includes selected destinations.

"Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
-- Benjamin Franklin, statesman

"If you want to conquer fear, don't sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy. "
-- Dale Carnegie, motivation

"I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level."
-- Diana Nyad, swimmer

"I don't think that once you get to one level, you can relax. You've got to keep pushing. "
-- Larry Bird, basketball player

"Confidence, thrives only on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them, it cannot live."
-- Franklin Roosevelt, 32nd U.S. president

"The real winners in life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better."
-- Barbara Pletcher, author

"If life was so easy that you could just go buy success, there would be a lot more successful companies in the world. Successful enterprises are built from the ground up."
-- Lou Gerstner, IBM CEO

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."
-- Dorothy Thompson, journalist

"The secret of business, especially these days, is to focus relentlessly on your unfair advantage - the thing you do that others don't."
-- John Rollwagen, executive

HI NL

I tried to register on MTN career page
http://careers.mtnonline.com/register.asp
but keep having problem with Mobile (gsm) Phone format

Please, do any one know how to enter the gsm phone number?

Hi NL

I have client who wish to distribute Nollywood films via its retail network in EU, but insist that I first secure the copyright before any deal.

Please, how do i get the copyright to distribute Nollywood films?

Good day.

1. No need for name calling, better channel the energy towards letting Mr President know that Nigerians deserve better , as there abundant talents to chose from.

2. If she got nominated with this obvious flaws, then we are in for another wasted 4 years. GEJ with all his education should know better!!!

Dear All

My client is genuine, serious( a government outfit) and require large, steady and continues supply of different mineral ores (raw materials)

Please, on ASAP base, can you furnish me with
1. Your company profile
2. produce/supply capability (per day or per month)
3. quality and parameters
4. trade/delivery model
5. price
6. if you have other ores, what are they,
7. Samples
8. what are the details if i need mining site?



Please, treat with all urgency

Warm regards,
Chinwe U. B.
08093315334
chisoftltd@gmail.com

namdo:

my mallam friend sold $1 for 157 on 06/05/11.

@ namdo:

What is your mallam contact?

9ijaMan:

Sincerely speaking I think the guy who gave you the estimate in terms of quantity is doing a good job. His figures are ok as long as he's not going to do a substandard job. Let me try my rickety brain to go through your figures one at a time:
The qty for 16mm rods are ok. I estimated about 43 pieces and he's asking you for 39 pieces (this is ok 'cos I added a bit of excess).

I guess the 12mm rods will be meant for the lintel concrete work, I do not know the number of windows (and the different sizes of the windows) your house will have hence I do not know how to make an estimate here.

The 8mm rods will be used for rings round the 16 mm rods (at defined intervals) in forming the cuboid shapes for the pillars and rings for the 12mm to form the cuboids for the lintel work. 25 pieces of 8mm rods is also reasonable considering the quantity of the 16mm and 12 mm rods. 2 bundles of binding wire is ok as well.

The workmanship of 40k is also reasonable, based on my experience, however you can still try to beat the figure down a bit. 30k will be a good starting point and then you can settle for 35k after a bit of bargaining.

Generally the quantity of almost every other material is reasonable and the labour charges are equally reasonable.

I however have a big concern with your choice (or your mason's choice) of using gravel for pillars. My brother I beg you to please avoid doing that. If you have to delay your project to addd more money to purchase granite, please do so. You can use gravel for lintel work (if you choose to conserve money), but never for pillar or deck work. Granite is about twice or at most 3 times the cost of gravel. USE GRANITE for all your pillars beams and deck work. Spending an extra 100k on granite is nothing compared to the total cost of the project which (by my little) estimate will be more than 10 million Naira. What is worth doing is worth doing well.

On the post lintel block work: I do not know the size of  your house nor the dimensions. Hence I cannot tell if the quantity of materials are ok or not. However going by the initial quantities, I'll assume the estimates here should be ok too.

Lastly, you'll notice I have not said anything about the price of materials (I only made comments on labour costs), this is because I've no clue what the costs of building materials are lately. I'm living abroad and was only home last November when prices were still reasonable. So forgive me for not being able to give an opinion on the prices. You can verify the figures by getting the price of each material from some other sources independent of the guy who gave you the above estimates. Check at least 2 other independent sources for the price of the materials, and proceed to make purchases based on the most reasonable figures (not necessarily the cheapest figures o)!

Ciao!

Thank you very greatly, My dear!
Please, i might still come back to you!
Peace!!!

Thank you 9ijaMan for your invaluable and detail reply!
Am very grateful!
Please I still need you advice on the this quotation for two flats (one is two bed room and three bed room).
The building is at Lintel level without the pillars (still at foundation level). So the next stage is fix the pillars, lintel and lay blocks till decking level. What do you think about this quotation?

               [b]ESTIMATE FOR LINTELS AND 32 PLIIARS
38 length of 5/8 RODS 16MM
25 LENGTH OF 1/2 INCH ROD
25 LENGTH OF 8MM ROD
2 BONDLE OF BINDING WIRE
WORKMANSHIP N40,000

          TOTAL EXPENSE TO  FINISH THE WORK UPTO DECKING MATERIAL FOR LINTEL
38+1=39 lenghth of 5/8 rod 16mm @2500          97,500
25 length of 1/2 inch rod 12mm@1350               33,750
25 length of 8mm rod @850                              21,250
2 bondle of binding wire@2500                             5000
labour                                                             40,000
carpenter/plank                                                 30,000
cement35bags@2300                                          80,500
gravel                                                               39,000
sand                                         ;                         26,000
water                                                                 6,000
TOTAL                                                           378,500   &a mp;a mp;n bsp;   

AFTER LINTEL TO SET BLOCKS TO DECKING.
BLOCKS=1500@I35                                       205,000
CEMENTS30BAGS@2300                                   76,000
LABOUR BAL                                                 57,000
     TOTAL                                                   338,000      [/b]

9ijaMan:

Your question is well understood. However you did not provide the dimension of the house. You may use the simple analysis below to get a good estimate. For a good deck work, you'll need two coaches on the perimeter (external) walls of the building and three coaches of blocks on all the internal walls. The third coach for the external walls will be a 9" beam which will run through the entire perimeter of your structure. This will assist in carrying the deck load as well as provide a good support for the walls.

To answer your question: a single block is 18 inches (1.5 ft) long, at least this is referring to the most regular block type/shape in 9ja. Add up the length of all your external walls, multiply this figure by 2 (two coaches) and then divide the final result by 1.5. This is assuming all your lengths have been converted to the the imperial system (feet).

Do the same for the internal walls, however you will need to multiply the total lengths of all internal walls by 3 (remember it's now 3 coaches for internal walls). Divide your answer by 1.5. Adding the total number of blocks for internal and external walls will give you a good estimate and near accurate figure for your block requirements.

Example:
Perimeter of all external walls = 180 ft.
Total blocks needed for the two coaches = (180*2)/1.5 = 240 blocks.

Length of all internal walls = 450 ft
Total Blocks needed for internal walls = (450*3)/1.5 = 900 blocks

Total number of block needed above lintel = 240 + 900 = 1,140 blocks.

Note that I have not added any excess, this is so 'cos when the blocks are being set, they'll have at least 1" gaps for cement/sand mixture. This should take care of the excess. However if you care to, you may round up the final figure above to 1,200 (60 extra block) to take care of watages.

I hope this would help.

Any good gentle man / lady?

Can you help me with need infor below

In building, From LINTEL TO DECKING is usually two coaches of block, what is the estimated number of block for a three bedroom flat, for this two coaches(levels)?

See attached ( in yellow), it will help to understand what I mean.

Any good gentle man / lady?

Can you help me with need infor below

In building, From  LINTEL TO DECKING is usually two coaches of block, what is the estimated number of block for a three bedroom flat, for this two coaches(levels)?

See attached ( in yellow), it will help to understand what I mean.

--- On Mon, 4/25/11, A Ighedosa <*******@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: A Ighedosa <******@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [NaijaBusiness] Fw: Letter to Nigerian Parents
To: NaijaBusiness@yahoogroups.com, "NIGERIA ABUJA" <abujanig@yahoogroups.com>,

Samuel:

You wrote: ", this syndrome- my children will not suffer what I suffered is destroying our tomorrow." You are absolutely right about that. Most Nigerians in prison from the UK to the USA are products of this syndrome. These young men and women have relied on parental support most of their lives. They don't know what it means to work and earn a living. They don't know how to live on a budget on a monthly basis.
They resort to searching for short cuts on how to make money. Even if it entails rubbing a bank, stealing people's credit cards, 419, Identity Theft, etc. Yes. Many of them are languishing in European prisons and American prisons. The number is rising!
The average Nigerian in the homeland believes money buys everything. Therefore, go after money by every means necessary.
You remember the saying: "Garbage in garbage out." Please note the following highlights:
Most Nigerian Universities are poorly equipped.
If you don't buy the lecturers' handouts, you are doomed to fail. Period.
The poor smart male students make a living writing term papers and take-home exams for the beautiful ladies who prostitute to pay their way through school.
What about the "SEX FOR GRADE" syndrome? If you are a beautiful woman and the lecturer wants a piece of you, you will be damned if you don't comply. Ambrose Alli University in Ekpoma, Edo State, featured prominently on this.
The University of Benin medical graduates were described recently as charlatans by their national Governing Board in Abuja. What an embarrassment.
You have (about) 70% of high school seniors failing in Mathematics and English. About the same percentage is often caught cheating in exams.
Most school buildings in Local Governments areas have no doors, windows, desks, and supplies. Teachers' salaries are mostly irregular.
Can you imagine hiring these men and women who bought their certificates or bribed their way through universities as teachers? What do you expect them to deliver? The Directors of Education in both Federal and States Ministries of Education are quick to flash their degrees from prestigious universities world-wide on your face if you dire question their decision-making processes.
Ojukwu, the Biafran warlord had a stroke. He was shipped to London in an Air Ambulance that was financed by two State governors; no hospital in Nigeria was equipped enough to treat a stroke victim! What do you have to say about that?
I can go on and on. It seems to me that the priority of those in position of authority across the board in Nigeria is how to get a piece of the pie - how to loot as much money from the government as possible; rather than dwelling on how to provide quality education for the future leaders of the country. Cheers and peace.

A Ighedosa

--- On Sun, 4/24/11, Dr. Samuel *******<*******@yahoo.com>wrote:

From: Dr. Samuel *******<*******@yahoo.com>
Subject: [NaijaBusiness] Fw: Letter to Nigerian Parents
To: "e-Group NaijaBusiness" <NaijaBusiness@yahoogroups.com>
Date: Sunday, April 24, 2011, 9:42 PM



Please read & reflect on this and share !!!!!!

Friends,Let me add the benefit of my time as a student and then resident in the UK - and I live in Lagos now. The first thing that I discovered about UK-born, white, English undergraduates was that all of them did holiday or weekend job to support themselves - including the children of millionaires amongst them. It is the norm over there - regardless how wealthy their parents are. And I soon discovered that virtually all other foreign students did the same - the exception being those of us status-conscious Nigerians.

I also watched Richard Branson (owner of Virgin Airline)speaking on the Biography Channel and, to my amazement, he said that his young children travel in the economy class -even when the parents (he and his wife) are in upper class.
Richard Branson is a billionaire in Pound Sterling. A quick survey would show you that only children from Nigeria fly business or upper class to commence their studies in the UK. No other foreign students do this.

There is no aircraft attached to the office of the prime minister in the UK - he travels on BA. And the same goes for the Royals. The Queen does not have an aircraft for her exclusive use.
These practices simply become the culture which the next generation carries forward. Have you seen the car that Kate Middleton(the lady soon to marry Prince William) drives? VW Golf or something close to it. But there's one core difference them and us(generally speaking). They (even the billionaires among them) work for their money,we steal ours!

If we want our children to bring about the desired change we have been praying for on behalf of our dear country, then please, please let’s begin now and teach them to work hard so they can stand alone and most importantly be content, and not having to "steal", which seem to be the norm these days.

“30 is the new 18”, which seem to be the new age for testing out the world in Nigeria now. That seems to be an unspoken but widely accepted mindset among the last 2 generations of parents in Nigeria.
At age 18 years, a typical young adult in the UK leaves the clutches of his/her parents for the University, chances are, that’s the last time those parents will ever play “landlord” to their son or daughter except of course the occasional home visits during the academic year.

At 21 years and above or below, the now fully grown and independent minded adult graduates from University, searches for employment, gets a job and shares a flat with other young people on a journey into becoming fully fledged adults.

I can hear the echo of parents saying, well, that is because the UK economy is thriving, safe, well structured and jobs are everywhere? I beg to differ and I ask that you kindly hear me out. I am UK trained Recruitment Consultant and I have been practicing for the past 10 years in Nigeria. I have a broad range of experience from recruiting graduates
to executive director level of large corporations. In addition, I talk from the point of view of someone with relatively privileged upbringing.
Driven to school every day, had my clothes washed for me, was barred from taking any part-time job during my A-levels so that I could concentrate on studying for my exams?! BUT, I got the opportunity to live apart from my parents from age 18 and the only time I came back home to stay was for 3 months before I got married!

Am I saying that every parent should wash their hands off their children at age 18? No, not at all, of course, I enjoyed the savings that I made from living on and off at my parent’s house in London – indeed that is the primary reason for my being able to buy myself a 3 bedroom flat in London at age 25 with absolutely no direct financial help from my parents!

For me, pocket money stopped at age 22, not that it was ever enough for my lifestyle to compete with Paris Hilton’s or Victoria Beckham’s. Meanwhile today, we have Nigerian children who have never worked for 5 minutes in their lives insisting on flying “only” first or business class, carrying the latest Louis Vuitton ensemble, Victoria ’s Secret underwear and wearing Jimmy Choo’s, fully paid for by their “loving” parents.

I often get calls from anxious parents, my son graduated 2 years ago and is still looking for a job, can you please assist! Oh really! So where exactly is this “child” is my usual question. Why are you the one making this call dad/mum? I am yet to get a satisfactory answer, but between you and me, chances are that big boy is cruising around Lagos with a babe dressed to the nines, in his dad’s spanking new SUV with enough “pocket money” to put your salary to shame. It is not at all strange to have a 28 year old who has NEVER worked for a day in his or her life in Nigeria but “earns” a six figure “salary” from parents for doing absolutely nothing.
I see them in my office once in a while, 26 years old with absolutely no skills to sell, apart from a shiny CV, written by his dad’s secretary in the office. Of course, he has a driver at his beck and call and he is driven to the job interview. We have a fairly decent conversation and we get to the inevitable question - so, what salary are you looking to earn? Answer comes straight out - N250,000.00. I ask if that is per month or per annum.
Of course it is per month. Oh, why do you think you should be earning that much on your first job? Well, because my current pocket money is N200,000.00 and I feel that an employer should be able to pay me more than my parents. I try very hard to compose myself, over parenting is in my opinion the greatest evil handicapping the Nigerian youth.
It is at the root of our national malaise.

We have a youth population of tens of millions of who are being “breastfed and diapered” well into their 30s. Even though the examples I have given above are from parents of considerable affluence, similar patterns can be observed from Abeokuta to Adamawa! Wake up mum! Wake up dad! You are practically loving your children to death! No wonder corruption continues to thrive. We have a society of young people who have been brought up to expect something for nothing, as if it were a birth right.

I want to encourage you to send your young men and women (anyone over 20 can hardly be called a child!) out into the world, maybe even consider reducing or stopping the pocket money to encourage them to think, explore and strive. Let them know that it is possible for them to succeed without your “help”.

Take a moment to think back to your own time as a young man/woman, what if someone had kept spoon feeding you, would you be where you are today? No tree grows well under another tree, children that are not exposed to challenges, don't cook well. That is why you see adults complaining, "my parents didn't buy clothes for me this christmas", ask him/her how old-30+. Because of the challenges we faced in our youth, we are where and what we today, this syndrome- my children will not suffer what I suffered is destroying our tomorrow. Deliberately reduce their allowance or mum-don't cook on Saturday till late afternoon or evening-do as occasion deserve.

I learnt the children of a former Nigerian head of state with all the stolen (billions) monies in their custody, still go about with security escort as wrecks. They are on drugs, several times because of the drug, they collapse in public places. The escort will quickly pack them and off they go, what a life. No one wants to marry them. Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.- Henry Ford. Hard work does not kill, everything in Nigeria is going down, including family settings. It is time to cook our children, preparing them for tomorrow. We are approaching the season in Nigeria where only the RUGGED, will survive. How will your ward fare?

If the present generation of Nigerian pilots retire, will you fly a plane flown by a young Nigerian pilot, If trained in Nigeria? People now have first class, who cannot spell GRADUATE or read an article without bomb blast! Which Way Nigeria!, Which Way Nigerians!! Is this how we will ALL sit and watch this country SINK?

Dell Inspiron 1545 which is perfect and very nice looking-no errors on it - no scratches

Processor: Intel Celeron 900 2.20GHz CPU, 2:20 GHz
Memory: 2048 RAM
Windows 7 home Prenium 32 bits (the computer has been as a demo in the store where it was purchased so there is no license pasted over it)
Graphics: Mobile Intel 45 Express Chipset Family - Estimated Total Memory: 780 MB
Hard Disk: SATA 320 GB
DVD: DVD +-RW
Wireless, wired Ethernet Web Camera
Accessories: charger, Microsoft Works 9 - Driver disc for Dell 1545

Price NGN 69,341.18

Pic Attached

chisoftltd@gmail.com

Wave of 'Nigeria letter' hits elderly Swedes

An increasing number of elderly Swedes have in recent months received letters or e-mails containing offers of imaginary inheritance pay outs. Those falling for the scams have been fooled to part with savings amounting to several million kronor, according to the Swedish police.

http://www.thelocal.se/32746/20110322/

.

.

Well she have brush up her reading skills

or she might loose her place (100%) to Bianca Ojukwu

Bianca vs Patience
If you are GEJ who will you choose?

Good one GEJ

At least my "good" people of Nnewi and Ngwo will cease to have visa problems!!!

Is she not suppose 2 be beside her husband in hospital or is it a sign that "Ikemba" is at the e*d of d road?

, God forbid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why all this name calling, religious insults!

I might be wrong, but we on this forum, and like many other Nigerians, are "ON OUR OWN" as regards our security in this contry, since the govt is obviously inefficient, incompetent and don't care!

So, will it not serves better that we BRAINSTORM ( profer ideas) on how we, our family and friends can avoid "6ft" via these bombings.

My idea, is that since they target crowded places like market, and majority of the bombings are in the afternoon and evening,one might consider shopping in the mornings, when there are few people in the markets. Atleast til after election!!!  "H***a Abatago Awka"

more ideas are welcome ,

Very smart! Hope soon, 9ja will be utilising all the mountains round the country for such services

Subject: Bad drivers signs.
You might need to go back to driving school if you have one of these sign,


You rammed the car ahead of you to let them know the light is green

There's a dead homeless man in your windshield

You tell people if they dont like your driving to get off the sidewalk

If you've had at least 25 speeding tickets

When you can no longer out-run the cops

When your license plate says "catch me"

When you start honking at people in Wheelchairs for crossing the street

If you apply make-up while you drive

Police roadblocks are nothing more than speed bumps to you

When the cops Lo-Jack your car

You are a regular on "World's Wildest Police Videos"

You flash your shniz at photographers when getting out of the front seat

You think cruise control means you could drive it in water

You shift it into park on the freeway because you think "P" means pass

1.
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry , we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry , we still have one engine left."

A young blond passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"


2.
Two blond guys were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Smarts," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'smarts' ?" asked the blond. The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. " The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's smarts!" The blond went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of smarts." "What's smarts?" said the other blond, The recently enlightened blond put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Subject: Chuck Norris!
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what
he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.

Leading Hand sanitizers claim that they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the Bleep he wants.

Chuck Norris's calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

An English professor and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys go by. "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at those bow
legged bastards!"
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else." Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
"Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
"That's it!" the father yells, and takes the kid home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking in verse like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so
he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.
The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these whose balls hang
in parentheses?"

A Cowboy and His Horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY
HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER,
AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE
TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN
TEXAS AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO
WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is
back.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks,
"Say partner, before you go , what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home".