₦airaland Forum

sartorius:
she has retracted the statement, production mix up, haba

is that the excuse for her poor handling of a situation?

She only "retracted" the statement, after her attention was brought to it by her readers.

Anyway, she has apologised. . .everyone makes mistakes.

LondonCool has said it all.

Word!! @Spoilt.

@batu, i just wanted to point out that i am just speaking for myself and not anyone else as i respond as follows.

batu:

@babyosisi,
Well, I can see that out of maybe 10 contributions, 8 are from 'sisters' in the house; and I am not really surprised at the 'emotional' solidarity.
1. By the way Davidylan has no right to contribute as a 'man', he is not married yet
2. But on a more serious note and with all due respect, what you hear from my dear sisters above are the sort of rather narrow-minded feminist advice typical of Oprah Winfrey show. For example, listen to this:

1. Is it only when you are married, that you are qualified to speak or have opinions about marital issues? I believe there are 2 ways to learn; from mentors and experience - which can either be personal or from others.

2. We are all not feminists, but sometimes, you have to "call a spade a spade".

batu:
1. A lot have given examples of "similar situations" always involving "somebody they know", but NOT themselves; but I wonder how many will really really give themselves the same advice they are giving now if they are in the same situation,,,,,uummmhh .

2.Believe me, just as others have seen 'similar situations', I also have seen seemingly "hopeless, end-of-the-road" marital situations of many years brought back from the brink by godly wisdom and not the 'hairdressing saloon' "go-girl" suggestions .

1. I used an example that was similar to this case. Since i haven't been in such a situation, and neither have my parents who have been married for a long time, i can only use "indirect" examples. And also, i practice what i preach. I wouldn't suggest any advice i won't do personally. If you read my previous posts, i acknowledge it is a difficult situation and maybe having a trial separation as opposed to an outright divorce may be the "lesser of two evils".

2. Why don't you give us examples of "hopeless, end of the road" cases you know of so we can all learn from it. Let's hear the "godly wisdom" that was able to transform such relationships. I bet there are few and far between. The same way people should not listen to "hairdressing saloon" suggestions, they shouldn't also listen to "advice" from the barbers shop.

batu:
1.With all due respect to my sisters, you've all done the obvious; what a clinical psychologist will call "victimization syndrome": we now have a 'victim' (the wife) in a 'situation' (her marriage), being oppressed by the 'oppressor' (the "big jerk"; and such have taken the obvious decision to to play the super hero who comes to the rescue of the 'victim' naturally. The three parties involved here needs invidividual consideration and analysis: the wife, the husband (yes!!) and the kids. A careful consideration will reveal that the above suggestion quoted is rather unfortunate.

2.The kids are already in anguish, and their mother leaving their father will definitely worsen their anguish, emotional stability and most likely their future levels of achievements. So, let's do away with Oprah thinking, this is real life situation, not soap!!!

1. I only made suggestions based on the merits of the situation. From what, the babyosisi, posted, her friend is very unhappy and using your terminology "a victim". No one is playing hero of any kind. All parties involved need individual attention like you suggest, and i accept that.

2. Are you trying to say that it is better for the two to stay "together" because of the children? The children, though already in "anguish", maybe better off living with one parent and also spending time with the other parent. No matter how you look at it, it is not a pleasant situation and i am not insinuating that either, but for a human being(either male or female) to live a life as an unimportant part of a union is also less than desirable.

batu:
1. Is it possible that the wife is not a saint? If we get another angle of the story from the 'husband's friend', is it possible we might be a little sympathetic to him too.

2. Is it possible[/] that their is no other woman involved, unlike what our dear sisters seem to have conclusively concluded from 'telekinetic' or from 'experience'?

3. Is it [i]possible that the kids love their father very much despite his 'acclaimed' shortcomings? Is it likely that the kids will prefer mummy and daddy working out their "mid-life crisis"? Is it likely that,,,,,,,,,,,,? and so on and so forth. If you can answer "yes" to at least one of the above questions, then we need to have a 'sisterly' re-think.

1. We have only heard from one side of the story. So i have based my suggestions on that. If there was another side to the story, then maybe my opinion will change accordingly.

2. What planet are you living on?! A man hasn't touched his wife for years and you think he must be have either become celibate, gay or assexual.  Wonders shall never end. Even a christian man will accept that something is wrong. Or you think christians don't cheat or thier wives/husbands too?

3. Kids love their parents and always want ideal situation, but we live in the real world!! If daddy beats up mummy so bad in a case of domestic violence or the other way round before i am accused of being feminist, are you saying the same kids that would be anguished already, will be better off in such a relationship than in one where there is stability and peace even if the parents are living apart? Funny how it maybe "mid-life crisis" that makes some men behave the way they do, don't you think?

batu:
1. As a "man" (a married man is the real man ), Babyosisi, whether in Africa or US, or UK; every "man" has somebody that he respects and listens to. As a friend, you should try and find out from the wife who that is for her husband; and see how to get him or her involved in the situation. He/She might not be the 'pastor' (in the meantime) and I can see that it's not your husband (he definitely has others who respect and listen to him though).

2. Dont anybody call any situation hopeless and unredeemeable, because you are not God as of the last time I checked.

3. Somebody is already asking if she 'has a job' for the post divorce life; may God deliver us from 'technical advisors' like that.

1. The notion there must be "someone he listens to" is not always correct. He may listen, but if his mind is made up, doesn't change anything. Listening is different from applying what you have heard. A lot of people listen but never do anything with what they have heard. Getting his "friends" (wonder where they have been uptil now) involved, maybe a step in the right direction. But do you really think his wife wouldn't have explored the avenue?

2. No human can be God. There are some situations only God can intervene. There are also some, for which he expects us to use the brains he gave us. This notion of God will do everything, so we don't have to work at our problems is part of why we have so many problems in Africa. Spirituality does not negate the need for working hard at life's problems and challenges. We all have challenges and trials we will face in this life, maybe it is one that this particular family is facing, we don't know.

3. Well, i still hope she has a job!! She may need it. I hope you are not the type that ask's his wife not to work, not because she doesn't want to, but because you say so?

Please be honest with us on this forum, if the shoe was on the other foot, what would you do? Would you, after so many years of your wife moving into another bedroom, doing her own thing in the house and the most crucial, denies you sex, are you saying you will still stay and try to work at the marriage because of the kids? just repeating your suggestions. I would like to hear your views of this, especially if you are a christain and Nigerian.

[quote author=I-man link=topic=60580.msg1219490#msg1219490 date=1182303877]Can someone explain what "God fearing" means.Are we supposed to be in a permanent state of angst and trepidation over God's vengeance?

The  qualities I want :

1)The only daughter of a wealthy parent

2)A recovering nymphomaniac

3)Gravity defying mammary glands(NASA must be studying it for anti-gravity)[/quote]Have you been away from Nigeria for so long? Even in the mainstream media, everywhere "God fearing" is seen as what you should be, to be seen as a "real and true" christian. Some nigerian pastors hardly preach love, grace, mercy in the right amount, just hellfire,satan and witches !!! I think some Nigerian christians have confused themselves with the Bible.

I-man, I can see you are a greedy, tit-lusting sexmaniac.

Mustay:
By d number of posts, you should know how NEW i am

My bad, i appologise. But i registered before you so are somehow " new "

And, for the third time, you didn't answer the question. Na wa o.

davidylan:
On a more serious note, where do we draw the line when it comes to divorce among christians? Indeed the bible is firmly against divorce but i'm sure there are circumstances such as this when it would be the only solution to the problem. It is clear there is another woman involved as it is practically impossible for this man to have stayed celibate for this long.
Now she has grounds for a biblical divorce, for the sake of her sanity and her children it is time to pull the wool off her eyes and call it quits before she ends up as another statistic in America's ever growing list of victims of domestic abuse!

For some reason, i seem to think some Nigerian churches seem to be very hardline on issues such as divorce and generally family settings. We seem to interprete the Bible more deeply than sometimes required. 

I personally think it is time the Church, in general, started addressing issues such as divorce, fertilty etc that don't make the Church look very attractive. There was a time when contraception was frowned upon, but with time, people realised the benefits that came with it. Same should happen with the issue of separation, divorce and the subsequent stigma attached. It is the way an issue is presented and handled, that would determine, to an extent, the type of response that is generated. Some people need to be free from the "hell" they call marriage.

kedkngo:
1. Beautiful
2. Educated and inteligent
3.  Commited, faithful and loving.

Nice list!!!

I am surprised you haven't included "God fearing" like most Nigerians are "conditioned" to do.

Mustay:
I-man and Imani? Multiple names, one user?

Look here mr man, can you quit being a nigerian by answering a question with another question?

Hope you are not new to this forum but i am Imani and I-man used to be 4play. Got it?!

[quote author=I-man link=topic=16992.msg1219354#msg1219354 date=1182301880]I quoted from my favourite newspaper,the Times.The Times well known for its first class journalism.I know you prefer "The Star"  [/quote]Now then, do I?! The star is the lowest of the tabloids and funny how you mentioned it. I know it is not for the sports

Haba, I-man, is one woman not enough for you?   Must you "feed" your lust eyes, all the time?

Mustay:
Definitely, it's either henry or wenger going to barça-
one of them 'll surely go.

And which team do you support sir?

babyosisi:
The man not only has his own bedroom,he also has his own phone line,his own pots and pans and cooks his own meals.

I too am a Christian and believe in Christian principles but this one one has gone beyond patience and longsuffering.

That is so sad.

Reminds of a particular case, quite similar to this one. The man actually stopped sleeping in the same room with his now ex-wife and even stopped eating at home and using stuff belonging to the wife and kids. They had one son, who had skin problems, and this man won't even carry his own son!! And of course, the lady was praying and fasting and everything christianly. Ultimately, she found out another lady was involved.

In this cases, there is usually more to it than meets the eye!! Even when men cheat, they just don't suddenly stop eating at home, or move out of the room etc. There maybe a spiritual angle to it. And i am really tired of these women that steal other people's husband and i hope they remember what goes round, comes round.

Anyway, all you can do is console your friend, and she should just start gearing herself for the "inevitable". I hope she has a job. Our society trains women such that, if your marriage "fails" you are seen as a "failure", and this can be hard to accept. She may have to choose between regaining her identity, dignity and self esteem or staying with him and be very unhappy. Either way, it will be hard.

Are they based in Nigeria? I really hope not, because if they are, i can understand all her anguish.

I don't know if it is just me of if the way some Nigerians practice christianity is disturbing. I guess the concept of religion means different things to different people.

No woman, especially a Nigerian one, will want to be the one "responsible" for the breakup of her home. However, in this case, with physical intimacy gone, they are no more than housemates!! This is now a tricky situation, especially with children involved. According to the story, friends have at least made attempts to stall the sinking ship, and call the man to order but looks like it is not working. It is safe to assume at this stage, that another woman is invovled. Somewhere, along the line, communication broke down irreversibly.

I believe in prayers, but sometimes, it is time to get practical. If she is deeply unhappy as she must be, then maybe they should have a trial separation for a while to work things out and give themselves "space". Sometimes, couples make up after this phase, but mostly, sadly, ends in divorce. I have seen many of such cases. I don't wish divorce on my worst enemy, especially with children. But what will be the point of being in a union where one member is only tolerated rather than celebrated? She shouldn't kill herslef with worries such as "where did it all go wrong", because sometimes, there is nothing that goes wrong, but one party just stopped loving the other.

debosky:
everybody is claiming to be Henry's best buddy now, na wa. next thing we'll hear is Dele Aiyenugba of Eyimba will say he spoke to henry over dinner yesterday and he is joining the club!!

bollocks, bollocks and more bollocks.

Please tell I-man o!! Maybe he will listen to you.

Infact, he can come online later to say the janitor that works for henry's wife, told a friend of his, about some transfer deal !!

I-man, stop reading the bricklayers sun newspaper, their sources are not always credible!!

@ I-man,

Why are you so keen for Henry to leave?

Could it be because he would never join United even when Fergie wanted him at all cost?

O ye messenger of doom, return to your cave

[quote author=I-man link=topic=8152.msg1219084#msg1219084 date=1182297108]If this was 1950,the culture,politics and tribalism threads would have been saturated with unparralelled tribalism.Tribalism is inevitable in a multi-ethnic nation.[/quote]No one disputes that!

However, with all the tribalism in our land, where has that gotten us?! No tribe trusts the other and everyone acts in their own self interest. If we actually want progress at a national level, then we have to find a way to move on from this way of thinking. At least, if one way isn't working, we can try others.

Please, no one should misunderstand me, i am proud to be a southern Nigerian, but that ends there. My pride is not in what i say or don't say but in my actions!!

[quote author=blue-sky link=topic=8152.msg1219026#msg1219026 date=1182296136]LOL, i don't mean people from nairaland, some people on this site are tryng to cause arguments for the sake of it.
But like in the 'real world', i think this is so.
[b]I may be wrong tho, i hope nairaland doesnt represent the nigerian public, if it does than things need to change sh[/b]arp![/quote]It is the same Nigerian people that find their way to this site and post their deep seated views, some of which they may not utter outside, however, words are cheap, and typing, cheaper!!

[quote author=blue-sky link=topic=8152.msg1218998#msg1218998 date=1182295561]but why is enthicity important? it really shouldnt matter.
Children of inter-tribal relationship are more tolerant? im not sure about this because i think our generation as a whole is more tolerant.[/quote]Where have you been?!  Did you say tolerant?

Please read through the culture, politics and the tribalism boards to see " how tolerant our generation are".

davidylan:
Many Nigerians doo not exchange gifts perhaps no thanks to the financial conditions but these are times when i begin to realise that a friendly word, a friendly smile, a heart that truly cares is worth 1000 times the silly box of chocolates u give me during christmas!
My best friends and i probably never exchanged any christmas gifts in the 5 years we knew each other; we didnt need to, our presence was all the gift we needed.

Try not to do that with Nigerians in Nigeria. You may not come out of the "debacle" with any credibility left.

[quote author=blue-sky link=topic=8152.msg1218930#msg1218930 date=1182294436]Its sad that in this time of age parents still have the atitude that only their tribe is the best.
If you 2 are prepared to face the hardship of your fiancee parents not liking you, then i wish u all the best.
Love may not conquer all, but lets pray it will help keep them strong![/quote]In an inter-tribal relationship, one party shouldn't claim "better tribe". I believe children from inter-tribal relationship tend to be more tolerant of other tribes. Just my opinion.

Love is supposed to be the "foundation" of a relationship, but a foundation in itself is not enough to sustain that relationship. Of course, other facets of the relationship, including to a degree, ethnicity, become important as well.

You could be either idiot or hollywood, either ways those are the only group of people that believe that love conquers all. Only an idiot will also believe that tribalism or ethnicism conquers all. Every sensible human being understands that life isn't about any 1 thing.
[quote][/quote]I have no further comments on this topic with you.

Donzman:
Only idiots and hollywood think love conquers all!

Maybe you mean Idiots like yourself.

I didn't address my post to you and spoke generally. You are not the only person on this forum that cares so much about his ethnicity.

Like i said before, you DON'T have to agree with my post. You can diagree and say what you like but i object to your choice of insulting words.

I have tried to be civil, but i think you want to make enemies, but i am not interested, please try the "next door".

davidylan:
Even during salah u are sure of some ram meat from the neighbour u have never even met.

That's right. Not to even mention Christmas and New Year seasons.

Come to think of it, Nigeria seems to have more holidays than most countries. We celebrate most public occasions like labour day, election day, and other random holidays the government thinks up. lol

I think Nigerians are maybe the most sociable people in the world. More research needed!!

With our culture of endless owanbe parties at the weekends, every small excuse to hold a party- naming ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, burials etc, of course we will be sociable. And in some places, it is sacrilege not to invite the neighbours.

Seun:
It's not the American's fault. They are too busy thinking about how they will pay their taxes and eat.

soulpatrol:
ehn seun, thats true, but what about we non-westerners that also pay taxes and have to feed ourselves too? you don't see us moping around looking depressed and stuff. what would you say about that?
being the nigerian that i am, i try to make the best of every situation i'm in, even when im deadbeat broke and have a thousand problems on my mind, i still make out time to acknowlegde the people around me. being cold won't solve any problems. westerners need to like seriously lighten up

Well, as Nigerians, we are used to "suffering and smiling"

bebe2007:
I can say she didnt mean any harm. Its only natural for one to react like that. If i were in her shoes i would definately do the same. Hairdressers are very careless, i can imagine contacting HIV from the saloon. WOULD DEFINATELY KILL THE PARTICULAR HAIR DRESSER. I went to a saloon here in lag and the hairdresser was using a used razor to  loosen someones weave-on. When i asked why? she replied "No be just thread sister, i no touch the head" what if a mistake occurs?? million dollar question. For those who loosen their weave-on in the saloon, be careful too. The essence of Betty's message is for all to be aware and be careful, nothing should be taken for granted. I do not see it as discriminatory. Caution thats all she is preaching.

1. Maybe some of the hairdressers are careless, especially in "local" saloons. But definately not all. It all boils down to the quality of training they were given.

2. Please don't kill anyone o. Nigeria still has death sentence for some murders.

3. It is discriminatory in the way she acted and not just what she said. I am not particularly offended with the words, but in the context in which they were used.

You are right, that what if a mistake occurs through carelessness or negligence of the saloon people? Afterall, the lady in question contacted HIV through unhygienic practices.  However, there is already a lot of stigma and social exclusion attached to being AID positive, and we don't need to add to it.

davidylan:
sadly the american attitude seems to have rubbed off on me. Now i can work in the same building with you for a whole yr and never greet you once or even know your name!!! I've been in a lab for 2 years and i don't know 50% of those i work with!
In naija even the most shy individual would know everyone within 6 months!

Actually, i think it is the western world in general, not just America.

It is even worse when you are in science/lab situation where everyone is very "serious". During my lab experience year, i worked with some british guys and was shocked that a particular guy couldn't even say hello to an ex-employee, a british herself, who worked in that lab for years. So, i wasn't too surprised or bothered when i walked past some of my lab "colleagues" without saying a word and some of them even avoided eye contact by looking at the ceiling.

@topic,

Three things are important to me.

1. Spiritual compatibility. It is important that the prospective couple share the same faith or at worst, one party does not object to the faith practiced by the other. It is futile to expect that one party will change the other to his/her religion after marriage. Now, religion means different things to different people so i will stop at that.

2. Mental compatibility. It is important that prospective couple are similarly minded, have mutual likes and dislikes. They also have similar goals, ethics, levels of morality, views on a variety of issues. They don't have to like the same things all the time. Variation is also good from time to time. You don't always have to agree with your partner!! You can agree without being disagreeable. This is probably where education comes in, as it will be easier to discuss and/or challenge issues with someone with a similarly trained mind. Mental compatibility in this context, is more of the state of the mind.

A lot of people skip/ignore this step. You can be all religious and beautiful/handsome, but what would be the point if you cannot trust your spouse to make an informed and critical evaluation or decision on a matter. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. It is important that a prospective partner is mentally ready and mature.

3. Physical compatibility. Obviously, this is the aspect most focused on in a relationship to the detriment of others. It is important to have/marry a partner that you have an attraction for. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Therefore, beauty in itself is subjective!! However, unlike the previous qualities mentioned above, beauty, with the passage of time fades. This is when some men decide it is time to change/upgrade themselves. Any relationship based sorely on beauty is bound to hit the rocks at some point, because, when it is gone, you can't turn back the clock. 

This is not to underestimate the value of physical attraction. In other words, you have to like what you see!!!

nossycheek:
Love conquers all. Just don't give up!

To some, love doesn't conquer all, tribalism does.

Let's hope we get to a stage that love is not only colour blind, but also blind to other facets of life such as age, tribe, language, etc.

With love, comes tolerance!!!

davidylan:
I thought i must be terribly unlucky to be "blessed" with unsociable neighbours, thank God its a general thing. 
I knew one of my neighbours where i first lived, errr it had more to do with her dog always giving me a tough time the first 1-2 months i moved in and her always having to come down and appologize. After that we got a bit closer, she was a cute single doctor living alone. Sad i had to move after 1 yr. We still say hi when we meet anyway.

The new neighbours, na dog wahala again make us jam. Nice couple horrible dog. As for the others, i don't even know how they look like. this country sef na wa. Not even to turn the street into a small soccer pitch on saturday morning for boys to socialise! Kai, i miss naija!

No carrying a carton of drinks over to your next door neighbours basement to watch champions league football. Absolutely NOTHING! What kind of people exist in this country? no wonder Cho was so depressed!

What is it with you and dogs?! Maybe you should get one yourself, at least, that way, you and your neighbours can have some kind of mutual rapport.

soulpatrol:
times have really changed from back in the day sha, apart from neighbours being impersonal, have u noticed how even kids have changed? back in the day we used to be happy riding our bikes outdoors, climb tree branches, playing ten-ten (no lie say you never play 10-10, eyin girls) . nowadays kids lock themselves in their rooms playing computer games, Wii, playstation/xbox and the likes. very little contact with the outside world. na wa o! i really enjoyed my childhood because it gave me a chance to appreciate nature (ok, maybe we was a little broke and couldnt afford games.  he he)
but i'm sure you can catch my drift. times have just changed sha, and not really for the better.
in as much as i love technology and the easier it makes things, its making human beings lose connection with each other

at Tenten. well, gone are the good old days . Then you could play with the neighbours kids, visit each other at home. Having "aunty, give me cake parties", costume parties, end of the year parties at the parents work places . . . was so cool. At a certain age, a child can wander off and can be expected to be back by his/her self. It was so serene discovering your own environment and exploring the neigbourhood in groups or gangs

Nowadays, things couldn't be more different. It is very rare to see a child by itself due to fear of paedophiles and the likes. Parents have become very protective and sometimes paranoid. I probably feel that way as i remember as a child, i could wander off at least in my area without threats. But now, people don't even know their neighbours and couldn't care less. With the advance of technology, it is no surprise, there is an increase in the amount of geeks. Some people spend more time on their computer than with people, even in the same house!!

ikamefa:
LMAO! i have a similar experience




for the first time! last night my chinco neighbour said hi to me

i was trudging home jejely, really knackered i saw him dropping the trash outside the house, then he said HI

i had to look at my self and look at my shadow ! _{did this chinco man just say hi to me?}

i had to answer him back oh : oh hi how' re you doing

chinco man wey i don greet tire before wey dey look me as if i dey transparent?
shuo! na today?

Lady Ika, which wan be chinco? Nigerians and name calling!! Hope you know there are a few of them on this forum?!

Anyway, your story is one i can relate to. You say hello to some people and it is like you are talking to wood. Some peoples face can be so hard, that sometimes, it is better to just let them be.

No wonder, people miss Nigeria a lot!! Nobody to impress or oppress.

I find myself strategically located in the South. Cool