₦airaland Forum

A Roman Catholic priest dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter greets him saying, "Welcome Father!

It's so nice to meet someone who has not only preached the faith in the way that we all wanted, but who has also worked so hard to practise what he preaches. You'll be very happy to know that there are in indeed rewards in heaven for good deeds on earth, and you will be well rewarded, because you worked so tirelessly to do good. We are giving
you a car to drive around in, and it's a very nice one too."

St. Peter shows the priest to car yard, containing mostly sedans, vans and station wagons, with the occasional motorbike. They walk past all of this and go straight to a sleek sports car. It's an Audi coupé with lots of extra features
like a radio that pick up any station, as well as front and rear spoilers and a very zippy engine. The priest is very happy and takes it for a spin. He notices people everywhere, some of his former parishoners, some famous people who
helped broker peace deals, stamp out corruption and such like, and many other priests, from various religions.

The priest notices how most people driving sports cars are wearing Roman Catholic dog collars, and he is happy that the system he believed in for so long has turned out , what was that? He takes a second look. No doubt about it, the Archbishop of Canterbury, driving a Mercedes-Benz! He turns his car around to visit St. Peter.

"What's going on here? I thought I had been rewarded for preaching the right thing, but I just saw the Archbishop
of Canterbury driving a Merc!" says the priest, angrily. St. Peter replies, "Hang on, calm down. Ok, maybe
he didn't preach everything that we wanted, but there's more to it. Firstly, he thought he was right, which is somewhat
mitigating. Secondly, he had a hell of a lot on his plate. You dealt with one parish, he was overseeing a whole country's
worth of religion, he had to deal with stuff like a general loss in faith, the whole Prince Charles business and plenty
more. He had a rough time, and we think he did an amazing job, such as very few people could've or would've done."
The priest concedes that he has too been hasty, apologises, and leaves in his car.

He is back before too long though, with a new vexation. "Ok, "says the priest, "I get that religion in general is
better than no religion at all, so keeping people faithful to something is worthwhile, but I just saw a common Jew,
not even a rabbi, driving a Porsche! What is going on with that one?"

St. Peter leans in close and whispers, "Boss's relations!"

Carlito is wack,he's one Bad Apple. Randy Orton will now be the next legend to be destroyed and my main man is no more, give it up for Eddy Guerero. He was an entertainer.

Hitman Bret Hart is still the Greatest!

if we have 10 million Gunners in Naija, we should also expect 20 million gunner haters in naija. Amodu & Grizz, can't u guys read, No univited guest.

But to be sincere, Arsenal will find it tough this season, but hey, its the premiership and we still have Wenger, so Gunners For Life!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ IBB, wetin concern Agbero with overload, leave wetin dem write for moto bodi, enter moto, Jaguda na real (ja identifying with the millions of homeless tossed and harassed youths of Naija, from Lagos to Calabar to Abuja to Warri. This Jaguda is a perfect agbero.

For ur info, do u know dat the name Jaguda is in the Bible? search the name on the internet and see 4 urself.

Mi betday mates, where una dey ooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

just viewed the Calendar and dis was the result for November 28th

edelma (19),
friday22 (19)
meetemeliv (27),
Kinneh (20),
taime (20),
debbieolat (23),
whitelexi, lena (30),
alphonso (24),
harsh (24),
alones (29),
kaydee (24),
marvin28 (23),
bumsijo (26),
mussa (32),
Bulky NB (29),
bellaloy (31)

will i ever meet these guys?

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse….

These are actual quotes taken from a company’s employee performance Appraisals:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.

So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!

We have heard of living the American dream, What is the Nigerian Dream? Nairalanders, make your submissions.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!

Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks, "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!

"That's my boy!"

i agree with the Principal, send Johnny to the University straight.

thanks for the advert angle, i'l look it up!

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until
finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and
soon the whole

cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of
willpower, and how she knew her
husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he
found out.


She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

This is why we trail so many countries in math,

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper.

One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

well Seun, thanks for this thread, i once attended an interview where i was asked what are your strenghts and what are your skills?

for strenght, i sed persistence, optimist, team player, good interpersonal skills etc

for skills, i said market networking, computer literate but they kept shutting me down that these were not skills. Till today i still dread those questions.

For me the question is what can't i do, i am limitless

i can sing ( pass 3 face)

I can dance (Michael jackson & MC Hammer combined, no reach)

I can talk ( Chris Tucker, Chris Rock, Alibababa, I go die no reach me)

But mi thinks my strenght lie in my ability to bring people togather for whatever objective. I have this negotiating skills, its frightening.

[color=#000099][/color]lololololololololololololololololllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

beyunce, help opeyemi out and post something

something dey do u?

i go give u dirty slap

ewuu

ol boy, i tire.

If Afeni really want galfriend, make e come our garage for Oshodi under bridge, i go give am one omo lata like dis wey get fine k-leg, half past four eye and still dey partially deaf. make i no forget, d babe dey binu quick quick oh ( gets annoyed easily)

dat na if e still dey look for GF!

SO NO AFTERTHOUGHTS YET? :'

if u were the teacher, ms smith, wat would u do?

BUT WAT WOULD U DO AFTER GETTIN THE SUPER BLUE OMO NEWS FROM THE STRANGE LADY?

WAT WOULD U DO?

what r u supposed to say to her? or were u aware of the illicit affair all this while? mi thinks she needs counselling and prayers. she need to identify the root of her problem, why she is doing what she is doing?

and for the olodo love-vendor boyfriend, come assistant husband, get your ass off another man's property. The day u hear that she has given the love-vendor any money, lose a friend, tell the husband and save yourself from further assault and embarassment.

i don yarn my own! as you will only hear from a person in Naija!

i dey roll.

or wait a minute, are u the friend?

whooooo sai

fa fa fa fa fowl

shine ya eye

e dey pose

nkiruka (boobs)

azuukaa (ass)

i dey ur line

i dey gree ur own

how una dey?

if we are going to compile words/phrases from a naija person, there will be 1o editions in a year.

we go dey block

ain ga un now ( see ya later - PH)

i dey roll

pastor, u see her? is this free will? it is her will to get married now but eniwe sha, yes!

d guy is gone, dead, zip, him own don finish.

An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps Out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM . The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

nice thread! i'l take time to forward my offlines here. i only pray sum clowns don't scribble re-cycled under my posting.

Thierry Henry does not click with The French team and yes, all the coaches might be wrong with their tactics, from Aime Jacquet to Domenech. if we say Christain Chukwu is not a coach, then Domenech is just not one. Ballack has a free role in both club and country and see wat he does. Come to think of it, which of the superstars to watch have lived up to expectation? for me, only Essien and Appiah of Ghana, those bois played their hearts out.

Henry should be given more freedom and Trezeguet given that all out attacker role, chikena!

thanks Seun.

beyunce, dats the spirit not that clown dm who has only two words in his brain
re-
cycled-

see, even after posting, it feels nice seeing it again posted by som1 else.

sumtin should be done about this clown before i start a thread under "who in Nairaland would u want to kill?"

do wat?