₦airaland Forum

Guest007:
Miss Seamstress, which patching you dey talk

Lol love patching oh, very effective

Great post

OGHENAOGIE:
Nigeria is not a unitary State why are u so worked up nothing wrong with this idea India has over 20 official languages including English yet they are a top economic giant...

Because I dont like the way they tackled this issue

They should be encouraged to reach the same level of everybody else and not coddled. There is nothing wrong with them that they cant read the same thing we are all reading

The governor of that place can read English so whats the problem

guidelight:
English is not the only language of Literacy, my dear. The Chinese, the Japs, and Russians etc don't use English at school and its doesn't make them less literate. Am I right?

All those places have standardised languages that they use for official communication while the use their own dialects/languages at home.

Do you know how many ethnic groups they have in China alone?! Yet they still learn the official state language

OruExpress:
Japanese people that study medicine do it in English right?

All of the english you know and you're still nobody. Interesting.

Japanese is the national language of Japan and English is the national language of Nigeria...

Why do you insist on comparing incomparable phenomena

ABCthings:
this is the sensible comment I've been waiting for,

Hausa can be used to explain simplify difficult terms but English should be the number one so as to help them wherever they go. They won't write even neco or go to UNN to study medicine in Hausa. English is a must!
We learnt it and did not die.
If we can, they can too

Exactly! Why not help them to learn English and communicate with other parts of the country instead of helping them go backwards

Its not like anybody likes speaking English, we do it because of the condition we found ourselves in so why should their own be different

Guest007:
See finishing

Men make women insane and then another man becomes responsible of that insanity

My own is small, I'm aggressive verbally and if I'm honest with myself I haven't been tested to this extent. She's broken and no good to herself or anyone until she is fixed and going by op's narrative, he may not be the one to do it.

Right now he is only responsible for his children (I think)

Yeah that has been my point. She needs a multi-pronged solution to tackle all her issues at once. The OP seems to spoil her a lot so he needs to toughen up on her, then she also needs some social interventions

Well they're both responsible for the children but if it gets to that point then he will have to take them. But not until they have tried to patch things up

Guest007:
You really helped me understand the situation and to appreciate love... Op obviously loves his wife because things would never get this far if he didn't love her... Love can make a fool out of us but the children deserve a functioning home, even if it's without the mothers input. I wonder if he has child care in place, and then he can pull away emotionally... even if it's a family member that he trusts. Then he can choose to work with/on her or frankly dump her because nobody can accuse him of not trying.

Lol yes oh. Can you believe on top of all the atrocities the woman committed, the guy can't even name the thread "I regret marrying my wife". He had to put "sometimes". Sometimes?! Na real love be that so what will it take for him to regret it all the time??

Well he has said that she is kind to the kids so I guess that's not the problem. Plus he hasn't really dealt with the issue properly. He just went from some arguments to beating her to apologising for it. Some people will never get the message until they get some actual consequences for their actions so he may have to be harder on her around the house so she can get the gist.

I agree with you that he may need to involve some family members in it since she still doesn't get it

Choi! I hope I can find somebody who will love me like this on top all my grammar

Mrcashman87:
Thanks my dear for your advice , I really appreciate it. The problem with my wife is she doesn’t want to believe there’s something wrong with her. I have tried convincing her several times that she should seek for help , but to her she is perfectly fine. She is mrs perfect she doesn’t see anything wrong in herself but always found something wrong in other people. If she is not ready to get help and what else can I do ?She is great with our kids including her nieces and nephews from her family side , she treats them so well , I have never seen her getting mad at them they way she does with other people children including my nieces . Can u just imagine every Sunday she and our kids goes to church and she will leave my nieces at home because she doesn’t want them inside her car. She will buy the kids clothes and my nieces will be left out , she takes kids out without my nieces but whenever her nieces / nephews are around , I will do everything for them and I don’t treat them any different from my own. I love my wife but I’m tired of her , it’s only my kids that are keeping us together because if it wasn’t for them , I would have abandoned her and the house and move on somewhere else

You are welcome.

Yes, she may not agree that there is anything the matter with her. That's a quality of some narcissistic people. You may have to tackle this another way

Have you tried giving her conditions? Like "unless you agree to attend counselling, we will have to separate"?

"Unless you come back at 8pm, be ready to sleep outside because I am locking gate by 8 o'clock oh"

It seems that you yourself are letting her get away with a lot of stuff. What if you refuse to let anybody go to any church unless your nieces are included? What if you confiscate all those new clothes until she goes back and buys the same for your nieces?

Some people are very manipulative so ordinary methods don't work. You have to put on your thinking cap and beat her at her own game. I'm not saying that she doesn't have her own issues but she also needs to learn her lesson.

I can see that you love her a lot but she needs help. From outside sources as well as from you.

Some people have recommended that you pack her off to her parents house. I agree with them to an extent but I'm holding back on that because I don't believe you have really addressed the issue in-house.

You are spoiling her, you need to stop it if you want to see results.

sassysure:
Remove mental problem from the equation.
Did u grow up in Nigeria?
We beat house helps anyhow.
It's actually a normal thing. Some call it training.
In some cases, it might be a transferred aggression but it's been so long to be termed transferred aggression.
This is who she is.
Women are of many characters.
Who she was before marriage, after marriage, giving birth and married to a rich man depicts different characters an average lady exhibits. Her true nature is after giving birth.
If there is nobody for her to unleash her anger on, she will turn to her children. Besides, those kids are watching and learning.

My problem with the husband is that he enabled that till she denied him sex.
Wish them luck cos he need it.

In the context of all that has happened, I considered it as part of the mental/character issue she already seems to be having. Not everybody beats househelps like that, even very quick-tempered people. It's an individual thing that we are looking at in an individual case. In fact I have a relative that displays the exact type of rubbish character as OPs wife but when the househelps are not responding to chastisement, she will just send them back. She goes through househelps like water so not everybody acts the way you think

A transfer of aggression is what we will call general cases of maltreatment and not this one where he has clearly explained the details and shown that there may be something else wrong with her.

We don't just look at the beating in isolation and call it a "normal training". We look at it in light of what he has already told us about his situation. That you don't like the sound of the woman does not mean she doesnt have a problem

That's why I said just because she is wicked, doesn't mean she doesn't also have some issue.

Yes he is partly to blame as well for letting it get to that point. That's why I advocate for giving him an advice that will help him to restore order in his home and not just fixating on how bad her character is. You said women are of many characters and yet he still loves all of the characters she has!

There is a difference between being a "good woman" and a "good wife". She is clearly not a nice person but she is good enough for OP so we have to help him tackle his problem from a pragmatic viewpoint and not get caught up on how bad she is.

Bad women still stay married and a good woman can be stripped näked and disgraced at any moment, that's just the truth.

sassysure:
That lady isn't depressed at all.
She is simply wicked, manipulative and vindictive too.
She is behaving like one who watch Nigerian movies too much and embraces gossips.
Also, she is naturally lazy.
Some people are like that.
Some have OCD.
There are some men who can live with pigs too.
Each mallam with his kettle.
My problem is that one day she will kill somebody.

Gone are the days we beat anyhow.

Nowadays, it's frowned upon.

5 yrs and the husband is looking for solution now.
5 yrs, he allowed such behaviour to build up.
He is complaining now cos madam has refused to give him kpekus.

Lol.

Yeah that's my point. She may be all those things but still, there may also be something wrong with the her. You can be wicked with added mental problems. For her to beat somebody kids without minding the consequence shows both an evil and mentally unstable person

I am not arguing that she is definitely depressed, I just don't agree with people saying that just because she is wicked, she can't be depressed. What she is doing could be a sign of a particularly severe form of depression, coupled with her own bad character. So we need to tackle all of them together

As you so funnily put it, OP still loves her so we should try to look at the situation objectively without projecting our own anger at her behaviour onto our advice

And yes, men can be strange and put up with all kinds of bad women. But if he can get her rubbish down to a manageable level then the two of them may be able to save their home

I'm not saying she's not a bad person but we just don't have to be so quick to write it off without exhausting all avenues and intervention

Honestly I know why I'm saying this. If you know somebody is extremely crazy but still the man loves her, then they need help on how to make her craze manageable instead of just throwing the whole thing away without trying

The man needs an advice because he doesn't want the home to break up, he is not tired of her yet.

After the first and second children were nearly sent to their graves he still went ahead and brought his own blood family again. He needs practical advice on how to curb her excesses

Guest007:
Hmmm. I was sooo vex with her abuse of children that I never considered mental health issues. Post something or the other. She can't be around her own children then. I think she's only respecting them (her children) because op is her husband. He needs to take custody of his children and send his wife off 4 psychological evaluation, or be ready to be a single parent. This is scary

There are 2 separate issues here

-her original bad character
- mental illness

The two will interact but OP has to extract them from each other and tackle them both.

What if she suffered postpartum depression and nobody noticed? Having those kids all within that short time would wreak havoc on anybody. But OP didn't raise any issues around her not being able to bond with her own children, so we don't know

Maltreating other people's kids on top of it is just unacceptable. But still we don't know if she would have gone to that extent of she were 100% mentally okay

My own is that he should treat her from both the mental angle and the character angle. Report her to her family and still get her psychiatrically evaluated so we will know what actually is her problem.

And above all, protect the kids just like you said

baby124:
This is not depression. Depression by its very meaning is that you are in a depressed state. Not someone who is this active, fighting, harming, lack of remorse... doesn’t care even if her children eat!!! Paranoid. Are you joking? We are so quick to ascribe depression as a blanket illness when there are so many different mental illnesses out there.

I already explained in my last post how those symptoms can be linked to a depressive diagnosis.

I repeat: there are different types of depressive disorder and symptoms present in different people in different ways.

You said not to use it as a blanket statement when you yourself just used it as blanket statement! You can't just take the word "depression" and then make it mean what you want it to mean.

A "depressed state" doesn't mean anything in a clinical context unless you link it to symptoms like lack of appetite, lack of sleep etc

Not caring if her children eat and having lack of remorse can be a sign of apathy, which is another common symptom of depression and is a part of that "depressed state" as well

There are different clinical classifications used to diagnose people.

Depression doesn't just mean the person lies in bed crying all day. You can fight and harm people as well if that's your own presentation.

On top of that, she may just be a vindictive person herself. Mentally ill people still have personalities of heir own, good or bad, and they need to manage them along with their condition. Just like somebody with an injured leg still needs to walk and get around

The OP needs helpful evaluations of his situation and not overreactions as if she's just suffering from one obscure illness that will take decades to find the name of

TwoBottles:
A bit... Not too clear. You can't run effectively while sucking your fingers.. Sorry I grew up in the north.

Hahaha so you're even worse than me.

Don't worry when I get the meaning I will tag your moniker so that we will learn together

johnmattew:
do u know the psychological effect of not teaching kids with their mother tongue??

Lol! The same psychological effects that somehow skipped all the Nigerian kids living in the other 35 states and countries all over the world but somehow just fell on top of kids in Yobe.

What are the psychological effects, please go ahead and tell me

baby124:
This is not depression. This lady is extremely violent, paranoid and lacks empathy. She’s not depressed. She has other serious mental health problems that OP cannot manage without psychiatric help.

Depression presents in different ways in different people and there are different kinds. Paranoia is a symptom of psychotic depression. Depression can cause aggressiveness in some people

Depression doesn't just mean somebody feels sad or wants to commit suicide.

I agree with you that she needs psychiatric intervention but I don't accept that just because she is exhibiting extreme behaviours, it must mean she is suffering from some fantabulous condition

She may just be somebody whose symptoms got out of control on top of not being a nice person in the first place

bigfrancis21:
Maybe we should implement that in the South here and expose students to more English during Secondary school.

Which would be a complete disaster! So what language are they going to use to teach in Kogi or Delta state??

Some kids in underprivileged schools can't even write a full English sentence and can only speak pidgin. Now you want to make it even worse

baby124:
Your wife has deep psychological issues. Not talking about depression here. As in she’s got mental health issues that are unaddressed. I don’t know how you will approach her to seek help being that she’s this violent.

Depression is a deep psychological issue in and of itself, especially if it's untreated.

It doesn't just mean the person is sad and harmless... she may just be a malicious person coupled with a depressive disorder that's making it worse

psalmuelwater:
Language shouldn't be a barrier in transferring knowledge in this age and time. With the technology available now?? You guys should think outside the box. How do footballers cope in foreign country?

This not about transferring knowledge, this is about respect and national sovereignty

People shouldn't be able to come here and do whatever they feel like just because we have some problems

In Britain before you are granted citizenship you must take an English test because they don't want people wandering their streets constituting nuisances just because they couldnt be bothered to understand their way of life

If the Chinese guy is smart enough to construct whatever in our country he should also be smart enough to learn our national language so that he will be able to communicate with his client.

Or is he too big to talk to us? Just because he's building one year one block somewhere?

femi4:
And Is it a sin to be chubby

Lol no oh, I am just looking for those ones who like to abuse somebody's picture

johnmattew:
and who told u yobe is ditching English language.. English will still be taught as a subject like social studies just like the way Yoruba language is taught in Lagos school while English remains language of instruction

That is totally wrong in a federation with a national language

They are supposed to teach Hausa as a language subject and leave English as the language of instruction

If they care so much about Hausa language they should make it a compulsory class and ensure that all the children pass it

Why do we always do things upside down in this country

TwoBottles:
Just curious, I read your signature and was amazed with the quote beneath the Igbo proverb..

Yeah it looks incongruous right? Do you understand the proverb?

johnmattew:
how many Arabs,indians,Chinese,french,Latinos, Italians,Germans can speak English?...

All of those countries have one unified and standardised language which they use as their language of instruction despite having minority ethnic groups.

And even at that, they still learn English at least from secondary school level

Do we all speak Hausa in Nigeria?

By the way an Arab in Lebanon and an Arab in Saudi Arabia speak completely different dialects of Arabic, yet they still learn the same official version.

Imagine if the Lebanese government said that all the kids had to learn Lebanese at school to make it easier for them, don't you see how stupid that would be?

Even if they just travel for Hajj, they won't even be able to get to Mecca because they won't be able to read any of the signs

psalmuelwater:
How are the Chinese surviving in Nigeria? 90% of them don't understand English, and they dominate our construction industry

They are dominating because we allow them to come over and oppress everybody

We are supposed to have basic language requirements before granting visas to people

IRAPADA:
this is what most east Africa country are doing even though they are colonized by British,all learning materials are written in swalil

If we had a unifying language like them then it would be different

We don't all speak hausa so this development is totally wrong

This is just another way to assert Northern hegemony upon all the rubbish we have been through already

guidelight:
Its long overdue. I remembered 2004 as NYSC member at Government secondary school Yusufari , Yobe State, i had to learn Hausa in order to teach my students . Now that its official, its good for Education in that region that has lagged behind others. kudos Yobe State.

It's the schools fault for encouraging illiteracy and not yours. By the time you got to the school, the kids should have been able to understand English just like you could understand English when you went to school

Using native languages as the language of instruction is totally wrong

Wrong, wrong and double wrong

I understand the idea behind it but it's a wrong action

They are supposed to enforce teaching of English language more strongly and invest in more English resources to bring them up to speed with the rest of the country, not bring in measures that will drag them even further backward

You shouldn't lower the standard just to pander to lazy schools who don't want to move forward with everybody else

We learned in English, does it mean we don't like our own native languages? Why do they insist on doing their own thing

They are undermining national unity

Inthemoment:
You again

I checked Google, I was looking for 'sly'

Lol

TwoBottles:
You are Igbo and a Muslim?

No I just wanted to comment on something

Uthman2senior:
I'm one.

Lol so you found this advice useful?

liberalchick:
I am sorry I know you mean well but depression doesn’t make you a violent person. I have worked with depressed people and I have been depressed myself and depressed people don’t maim children. She is a violent person simple. In fact when you’re depressed you withdraw not attack.

I don't really agree, depression affects people in different ways and there are also different types of depression . Some people present with uncontrolled aggression, irritability or rage

Not everybody becomes withdrawn and sad. Some people lash out and take their despair out on others

If she is ill then she needs treatment even though it doesn't completely absolve her of responsibility for her actions.