Hi Nairalanders!! Do you like sweeties?!?! Lol. I am running a retro tuck shop from home in Lagos - delivery currently now to VI, Ikoyi and Onikan is free. Lekki is N500 extra. Check us out on Facebook (CamCam Sweeties). Why send flowers when you can send sweets?! Its way cooler. For those of you based in the Diaspora, you can pay us via paypal and we will deliver to your loved ones here in Lagos.

Our stock includes: Anglo Bubble Gum, Assorted Mojo Chews, Bananas, Black Jacks, Fruit Salads, Cola Bottles, Cola Cubes, Dolly Mixtures, Dracula Fangs, Drumstick Lollies, Fizzers, Fizzy Cola Bottles, Flying Saucers, Fried Eggs, Giant Strawberries, Liquorice Wheels, Sherbet Lemons, Loveheart Lipsticks, Mini Lovehearts, Midget Gems, Milk Bottles, Pear Drops, Refresher Chews, Strawberry Laces, Strawberry Belts, Shrimps, Toffee Bonbons, White Fish and Chips, White Mice and Wine Gums.

Email sekabi@me.com.

Well, as i'm sitting here trying to ignore the coffee and cookies in my office and instead I am drinking fruit tea (they smell so good and taste soooooooooo crap!) I guess I am quite obsessed. I never used to be but I am the wrong side of 30 and have 3 kids so I work out 5 times a week. I have a sweet tooth and keep everything in moderation, I like a few glasses of wine during weekends and generally if I want something I have it, I just try and remember my cheats in my workout so I can work that little bit harder.

Amazing book, cried my eyes out reading it and swore to myself I would learn more about the Biafran War,

Great for Nigeria for it to be made into a Hollywood movie BUT sometimes movies ruin a story so it almost unrecognisable - eg Captain Corelli, Kite Runner.

I pray they give her story justice.

Have you seen this? what do you think?!
Art/Fashion or Racism?

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French Vogue has gotten into some more haute controversy.

This month's issue of the fashion magazine features a photoshoot with white supermodel Lara Stone in blackface, according to Jezebel.com.

No stranger to shocking shoots — it recently featured a faux-pregnant model smoking a cigarette— the magazine enlisted photographer Steven Klein to shoot the 14-page spread, styled by editor Carine Rotifeld.

The story that goes along with the photos praises Stone for her "radical break with the wave of anorexic models."

No way!!!!

If I think back to the confusion, pain and general chaos of being a first time mum - there is absolutely no way I could have coped with 2 babies. Trust me - one is harder enough the first time round!!!

Women - only we are so smart we don't get found out.

All kids given half the chance would watch cartoon network all day (God knows why - have you ever actually watched it - some very very weird and surreal cartoons on there) or play on their nintendo ds or whatever.

They need discipline and attention. I know its hard - I work full time too and leave a lot of the child rearing to my nanny - she knows to do the kids homework when they get back from school, make sure they eat something and then read or play outside. Please get new staff or train yours better. Whatever they learn now they will carry with them for quite sometime. Call them when you're out and check what they are doing and honestly unplug the tv and hude the remote if you have to.

We had to stop my son playing with his Nintendo games as he was getting addictive and was literally in his own little world, he would get very irritable and nasty if you took it away or tried to do something else with it. He is now only allowed to play it for a few years on Sat and Sun. He went cold turkey and was horrible for the first week but now its fine and he's happy playing with educational toys/drawing etc in his downtime.

Good luck!

What do you mean is it strange? Surely it's up to your sister - if she wants to marry a jobless guy who apparently sexually assaulted her,

Moved to Nigeria.

I used to be quite judgemental and self righteous about all the bullsheet I witness in Nigeria and put it down to a cultural clash - and I also believe that some wives here enable it (as long as they still get the dough they turn their face the other way) but then I looked at my own family, friends and peers in the UK (white) and I realised that it is sadly a global phenomena - we are human beings, we are flawed and we are ALWAYS gonna think the grass is greener until we lose (or almost lose) our own beautiful pasture.

None of us is perfect and yes, marriage is really really hard but when you can get it right - including being faithful - it is worth it.

In Nigeria I do think there is a huge emphasis on the wife trying to keep her man but you know what - you can look after yourself physically, keep a clean home, pop out the babies, have crazy sex every night, be close friends with your husband etc etc and he could still cheat on you - it won't mean shit to him but he is still prone to doing it. Maybe its about diversity, maybe its about ego - maybe its just because they can.

LOL Rusty09!!

Currently I am sure my guy is into me and pretty sure he is not messing around (!) so I'm good thanks.

Seriously though - just as wives/GF's are always told to behave a certain way to keep their men interested (jerry hall - LovePeddler/domestic goddess/LovePeddler or something like that!), guys should also remember that women need to feel beautiful and sexy and pampered. Futile as it may seem to you - being the apple of your eye is the biggest validation for some of us poor pathetic girls so make us feel like the best you ever had and the best you WILL ever HAVE and the future will be rosy. Xx

I agree - insecurity.
Not sure if your guy is really into you,
not sure if he is playing around,
some other guy toasting you makes you feel better
and the rest is history.

Dear NL Friends,

A friend of mine is setting up a company to offer a concierge service in Lagos - to suggest restaurants/bars and clubs and make bookings if required, arrange private parties in cool venues and just take the stress out of organising your own social life in Lagos. What do you guys think?

Would you call up the service on a Friday if you fancied a special night out to get suggestions and make arrangmenets? Would you use a service to get onto the hottest guest lists and into the hottest parties in town??

It works in many other cities in the world but would it work in Lagos?!

Please let me know your thoughts.

Xx

So if I can't carry a handbag what am I supposed to do with my blackberry, 2nd phone, house keys, car keys, wallet, cheque book, business cards, tissues, moisturiser, lip gloss, notebook,  ipod, pens, baby wipes, gum, spare pair of socks + bib for the baby, little boxes of raisins, colouring pens and extra DS games for my boys, hairbrush, suncream, hand sanitiser, cybershot, spare hair bobbles and sunglasses?!?! Phew.

afrinity:


But upon coming back home now, Project Management is a whole different kettle of fish - trust me.

In conclusion, project management in Nigeria is not the clear cut way abroad. You need to be able to adapt and manuever easily. If you ever try and attempt to manage projects the way it is written in the books here, trust me you ain't gonna go too far.

@ Afrinity - You are sooooo right. I work with some multinationals on some pretty big greenfield projects in Nigeria and things are certainly not clear cut. Always need to be flexible and always expect the unexpected!! Cost and schedule - usually add 15% contingency. Stakeholders (esp Governmental ones) are bane of my existence. Governance is a mess, interfaces are impossible to map and all internal project leaders are total empire builders! Don't even get me started on lack of regard for risks and mitigation!!

@ Poster - can you clarify your question - are you asking if you can get a visa for a holiday ie to go and come back BEFORE the baby is born or are you asking if you can get a visa to do a runner and have your baby in another land?!

If its the UK you're going to - what gives you the right to use the free healthcare system?  

I agree. Its really hard keeping solid and genuine friendships as adults. My closest friends are my husband and my sister plus 1 or 2 girls from school and uni.

There are plenty of people I mix with socially but I would never go to them in a crisis or lean on them in my hour of need - too much negative energy and you know so many of them would be gloating inside.

Hi Miss_Ife. We are in Lagos where there are loads of international schools - British, American, French, Italian, German etc - each one geared to the curriculum of that country. There are plenty of other really good schools too - that aren't affiliated to the expat community - most of those seem to follow the British system. The education my kids have received so far is really good and they are certainly not yet behind their friends of the same age in the UK. What they do when they are 18 is really up to them - don't want to start a counter thread or encourage abuse but my husband and I feel that the English education is the best (I'll duck to avoid any flying shoes right about now) so I'm hoping they'll do university there but it will be their choice.

Luckily for me, we have a big extended family here all living very close by and my in-laws all got married about the same as us, this means we have a veritable posse of similar aged cousins - my kids are as close as siblings with them - they of course have had the benefit of literally growing up with them almost since birth. There is no such thing as calling to arrange play dates here, our kids come and go from eachother's houses which I quite like. My kids are not treated differently because they are mixed race - they are part of the gang - but remember they are all under the age of 8 so this could easily change later. If anything, its currently harder for them to get along with their white cousins in the UK as they see them less often and are growing up in such different worlds.

Hot tempered! We're much more fun than the naggers.

Non-Nigerians married to Nigerian men can get green passports - quite a few hoops to jump through but its easily done. Must be living in Nigeria and do not need to renounce own citizenship. An african american women I know just got one.

Personally I have indefinite entry visa and right to work (thanks to Niger Wives) so apart from standing in a different queue at Murtala Mohammed, it makes no difference. Kids get Nigerian passports without question.

agathamari:



nigerians like women. they act single evenwhen they are married. thy hve "friends" with benifits aftr marriag, buy gifts for the girls that you will not be told even exist. they will flirt with other girl infront of you and then get pissed off if you as a mrried woman are frieds with any single girls cause it not proper

Total generalisation. Some Nigerian men act married, love being married and would never flirt with or buy gifts for other women in front of or behind their wives backs. Some white men behave as badly as you detailed above. Please don't speak with such authority when you are just making blanket statements.

Rosabelle:


Even if a man is rich and he's doing well, Nigerian men tend to respect their wives ONLY when theyre independent of them. He has to know you dont need to ask him for money for everything you need. They encourgae you to share yours with them, but they keep what they make for themselves and act irritable whenenever you ask for money. Like youre begging.

African men expect a woman to climb over the moon to proove their love, but they the men NEVER want to do anything in return for you and they think theyre being married to you and having children should be enough reward for you. .

Again, I disagree. Why are you portraying all Nigerian men like this?! Either I am married to a total freak of nature who was more affected by his time in the UK than either of us realised - or once again people are feeling comfortable throwing about sweeping generalisations. Sure, any man will respect their wife for being independent and not always asking for bob for petty things - but most men also love to take care of their women and are proud to be able to support them and their kids

disire:

Be prepared for a second wife

why should she be prepared for a second wife?

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. My husband did exactly the same thing to me the first time I ever came to Nigeria. LOL. I can laugh now remembering it but I was so damn confused at the time. Our son was about 6 months old and I was still chubby. We were invited to come over to Lagos for his brother's wedding and this guy who up til now never gave a shit what I wore, how my hair looked, how my baby belly looked - started freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn. He even took me shopping for the first time EVER and bought me a ridiculously expensive designer suit - of course I milked it and got shoes and a bag too. Lol.

I told him to back off one day and he yelled back at me about how it was the first time I was coming to Lagos as his wife (I'd visited as his girlfriend a few times) and EVERYONE was going to be there and blah blah blah. I found it kind of sweet in a twisted sort of way. Anyway I came over, dressed to kill and knocked em dead - the rest as they say is history. Lol. And all the family and guests were totally decked out (of course) so he was really protecting me.

His mum (Yoruba) is hard work though and whilst she doesn't say anything to me directly (although she says it all with her eyes!) she's gives my sister's-in-law hard time about their weight. Its like she is obsessed.

Yup. Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

But in reality? I had to gently tug mine away from his mama's apron but he's the last born so it was always going to be a struggle.

At least I know how to behave when my boys bring their wives home - LOL. I'm sure I'll be a totally jealous ogre!!

Really tough question. My kids are half Nigerian half British. We are in Lagos for now and we'll keep them there here til eldest is a wee bit older and education becomes more critical. For now, I feel like they are getting the best of the cultural and spiritual side but not getting the best education and healthcare. They are learning about their African heritage, they are growing up in a wonderful Christian environment (my family don't do the whole churchy thing) and they have a huge amount of respect for their elders, etc. They are growing up into great kids. I have my in-laws to thank for speaking Yoruba to them and taking them to the "village" etc.

Our aim is for them to get their core education in the UK (we'll obviously have to pay through the nose for it) - but always spending school holidays back in Nigeria - and when it comes to Uni, it will be up to them.

I recently met a Dr in London who does loads of NHS work in Hackney and most of the Nigerian families he looks after are sending their kids back to Lagos for boarding school as standards in the local schools are so bad. He claims to have seen a massive reversal in the past 5 years especially.

If your marriage is strong and you have a sense of adventure and massive tolerance, do it but please don't ever think it will be an extended holiday - going somewhere for a week's vacation and living there indefinitely are polar opposites.

I have been in Lagos for 6 years. The first year was extremely tough - very hard to find a job plus I was living with my in-laws so you can imagine how intense that was. Stress on the marriage was serious - I went from being an independent person with a great job in the city, my own money, lots of my own friends and my own close family to someone who was totally and utterly dependent on my husband - it was new for both of us. All my new "friends" were his friends and his family. Yes, all were welcoming but I didn't have anyone I could really be myself with or lament about my newfound situation. I was a little bitter too as coming to Nigeria wasn't my idea! I had to do an attitude re-check after a few months as I was never going to settle with the frame of mind I was in.

It’s tough being an outsider, I got (and still often get) a fair bit of attitude from many Nigerian girls - it's water off a duck's back these days but when you're new and insecure - it can really wear you down. Trust me - you and your hubby have to be water-tight. I made a lot of mistakes with friends I made - I just don't have the bullshit radar many people are blessed with and didn't see I was being used by some girls to gain access into a certain social scene and my new BFF was actually screwing my friend's husband and using me as her cover. Oh yes.

It was hard to find a job. I was actually told by an HR professional at a multinational oil company that he had the perfect job for me but actually wouldn't give it to me as the other staff wouldn't trust me as I am white!? I swear. I finally got a door into another such company (through my mother-in-law's friend's friend – that’s how it works here!) and I am still here 5 years later. I am on a local contract and paid in naira – you don’t need the working permit as a Nigerian wife. Working here can be frustrating at times, some staff aren't lucky enough to have as much exposure/education as you and internet/light/IDD are erratic to say the least.

But your quality of life will improve. My husband knew what he was doing when he moved us back. We had only 1 small child back then and I was struggling in London with a hardcore fulltime job, commute, childcare, looking after Nigerian husband (!) and all with no help. I was literally on my knees. Here I have massive support from my extended family and I also have a fab nanny who helps me with my 3 kids. I don't think we would have even had the 3rd if we weren't living here. I get a lot more time to spend with my husband - without the kids - and I am a much happier and carefree mum which I know my kids have benefitted from. Its also priceless that they are so comfortable here and even speak a little yoruba. They will always know where they are from and I feel like their Nigerian culture is more important than their English heritage at this stage in their lives.

Don’t get me wrong – I still hop on a plane and zip to the UK any chance I get! I miss some of the comforts and I miss my family hugely. If you come here with the right frame of mind, realistic expectations and a loving and supportive husband and family, you’ll be just fine. I haven’t got involved in the UK expat scene at all but there is a lovely group called Niger-wives – google them. And be ready to get ill – upset tummies, malaria etc – you’ll toughen up after a while but I was quite pathetic during my first year.

Good luck!!

I think its because there is a lack of family values in the UK these days and more importantly - nobody goes to church. My parents divorced years ago - my dad is an atheist and my mum was a christian growing up (ie forced to church by grandma) and so rebelled when she left home. No point dwelling but I wonder if God had been in their marriage, at least it has taught me a valuable lesson anyways.

@ Hesperus - she was obviously right to be suspicious!!

It's not right to sneak looks through your husband's stuff but let's be honest, we all do it from time to time. Curiosity is a bad thing. Lol. I've caught him looking through my stuff too. Not looking for somthing incriminating on either front - just being nosey as humans are.

If someone is doing it regularly because they suspect something - either falsely or not - that's a whole other issue.

You'd be amazed at how many people are too daft to delete stuff though, I know so many people (guys and girls) who have been busted cos of texts, emails and Fb messages. Guess its lipstick on your collar for the 21st century.

From frecklesnz: Look at the fathers. Before you marry look very carefully at the father of the man. If he is kind and gentle to his family then you may have a chance. But if he is shouting at the kids and the wife the son will do likewise in a few years.

that is such a good piece of advice. feeling good now as my FIL is a true gent. Lol! Phew, there is hope! Teehee

Confused, I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. You seem such a lovely and strong woman. The problem is that you have set a precedent now for both his behaviour and his mother's actions and nasty words.

Can you take some leave from your job and spend time away? I think it is a great idea to go and see parents or family for a while. Let him see what he is missing - a caring, hard working wife and 2 beautiful children. Try and shake him out of his coma - if you just up and leave - you cannot say you tried everything. Make it temporary.

I have a lot of respect for you. Everyone woman deserves to be looked after by their man - ok some Nigerian guys may not be so hands on with cooking and kids etc - but at least let him show you appreciation or give out some kind words. Watch out for your Mum in Law - try and stay civil to her at all times or they will have ammunition to throw back at you. Be the lady you are, put some distance between you and pray things can turn around.

If not, honestly, I believe in marriage but maybe you should go it alone with your kids. Can't be any harder than this right?

Good luck.