In a marriage like that I believe the unhappy spouse should go if they try and cannot make headway. This way no violence.

That report was in 2015 or 2016. Only God knows the prevalence rate of Herpes this 2022. The country got harder, even principled men and women have been shifting goal post.

This means almost everybody is a wizard?

Kobojunkie:
Any religious bullsheet with them?

They are a fully professional therapy academy. The lead therapist there is never ashamed to tell you he is a christian o but Omo, no joke he's a professional but very reserved. He writes for international platforms i think and speaks too . He's on radio and TV sometimes. here's a link to one of his articles i saw on brainz power magazine. https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/narcissists-are-built-not-born .

Our topic for today is simply on How to Enjoy Your Holidays Even with Unresolved Issues .

A turbulent marriage or relationship is already as tough as it gets and sometimes, having to leave the house every now and then to work provides the getaway couples need to cope with their issues. The holiday period is such a difficult period for struggling marriages because it’s usually a reflective time that intensifies the depth of the issues (infidelity, poor communication, emotional disconnect, distance, loneliness, betrayal etc.) faced. The past few months, a bulk of my sessions had been built around survival skills that can help couples pull through while they are in “Marriage Recovery” therapy .

To survive this period, here are some quick skills required as we look forward to better days aided by intentional effort in-therapy.
Full Article Here. https://templeobike.com/how-to-enjoy-your-holidays-even-with-unresolved-issues/

Knowing that a downsizing is imminent at your place of work gives room for preparation. However, loosing a job out of the blues can be a big kick in the gut regardless of it having anything to do with your performance or not. One thing i want you to keep in your mind is simply that success in all our lives isn’t measured solely by opportunities but rather by how we respond to obstacles and challenges. How job-loss is handled becomes more important than the job loss itself. If not handled properly, it could trigger a range of emotions such as self-pity, resentment, failure, humiliation and anxiety. This affects your finances but the hardest-hit zone is your sense of self-worth and ego.

Many employed individuals loose a sense of personal identity and let the job envelope everything about them. This is the major reason job-loss victims get hard-hit.

There is always some positive lessons to gain from every situation, even a job loss and this is usually recognized in hind-sight. Some of the important things a job loss could teach you are;
An opportunity to teach your children about budgeting
An opportunity to spend some extra time with your family
An opportunity to take a deeper look into your existence
An opportunity to change your career path
An opportunity to figure out what matters the most
An opportunity to re-evaluate your entire life

What happens after a job loss?
This is almost like other types of losses and it causes a grieving period. You need to be honest with yourself, accept the situation and then plan to move forward. .

1. Denial and Isolation

In circumstances where there were mass retrenchments like a company going out of business or bank downsizing, the victim of a job loss still feels like they are the only one affected. It’s an alone moment that makes you want to stay away from everyone.

2. Anger

After all the effort and sacrifice you put in, it could be quite deflating to feel that your contribution was not appreciated. This gets victims of job-losses angry.

3. Desperation

After a job loss, your next instinct may be to quickly go and begin searching for another job. My honest advice to you is to give yourself at least 2 weeks of reflection to see what went wrong, how you helped the company grow and if this is the time for a career change. Instead the desperation job loss victims feel push them to quickly start searching for a job. Sometimes applying to jobs they are under or over-qualified for.

Full Article here.
https://templeobike.com/2020/02/01/loosing-a-job-how-to-handle-the-associated-emotions/

Thanks. this is true

bukatyne:
A toxicity of a relationship is defined by the people in it.

What is toxic to A is non-toxic to B.

The number of cases emanating from toxicity in relationships is on an upward swing with relationships and marriages crashing all around. We want to love and be loved in return but always fail to understand that the best relationships are intentionally nurtured.
[/b]Here are some signs that you may be in a toxic relationship;[b]
1) You leave the room when your partner comes is there
2) There’s no communication
3) Constant feelings of being drained
4) There’s always drama in the house
5) You have a heavily jealous or envious partner
6) You can’t talk when your partner is there
7) You lower your standards for your partner
Your partner brings out the worst in you
9) You’re always apologizing

[/b]Here is a list of the types of toxic people encountered in relationships.[b]
1)THE GUILT FARMER - Can you think of anyone right now who makes you feel like you’re constantly in a courtroom. Guilty! Guilty! and more Guilt! is all you can see,think and believe when you are around them....
2)THE CHOKER -Remember when your boo/bae was so adorable and couldn’t even hide his jealousy when....
3)THE GOLIATH SYNDROME
4)THE LEECH .....................
https://templeobike.com/2020/07/21/toxic-relationships/

A) A spike in Sexual interest or A lack of interest: There is an emotional detachment required to cheat. With those detachments the first things that go are those intimate nuances such as solid eye contact and kisses.
B) An Obsession with a Device (phone or laptop): When the work-related emergencies pile-up and business partners are hot buzzing their phones for discussions that need to happen behind closed doors you may need to worry.
C) Your Partner's Moral Compass Suddenly Comes Correct: When your partner suddenly starts quoting verses, becomes pious, throws them-self into charitable activities please look really well. If there was no Near Death Experience, a spiritual encounter or a life altering situation to trigger all of this, you may just be right in the middle of a P.R campaign.
D) No Ring: Many veteran cheaters no longer fall for this one but some pee-wee ones still forget to slip it back on. If this does happen and you get feedback such as i think i lost weight and it keeps falling off, it's triggering my allergy etc you may just have a bigger issue on your hands.
E) Off-guarded Name-drops & Innocent Consistent Banter about Someone: When the clouds are filled with vapor they release rain and in this same manner, when the brain is obsessed with a thing, it spills names,events or places.
H) Anger and Violence Meant to Distract: The shame and guilt that comes with cheating are always looking for expression.

"Pain that you do NOT transform MUST be transmitted" - Father Richard Rohr
F) Money Lies: When your partner is in charge of the finances without you being involved, it could be for a lot of reasons. An article i wrote on Financial Infidelity mentions a lot of these reasons but let's single out one of it. An affair.
G) Little Lies & (not-so) Elegant Excuses: Lying is a defense mechanism we learn as children. We know it's bad and most times rather than tell a lie, most would rather give an excuse. This is a much better moral pill than going all out and lying. When a partner starts cheating, they cannot avoid excuses first and subsequently all out lies.
I) Frequent Travel: The "I'm going on a trip" line is one most committed partners have come to dread because it's one of those scenarios that leaves them clueless on what their partner may be getting up to. Let's dive into facts... We all know that the more frequently a partner travels the higher their chances of straying because travelling by itself has a momentary feeling of relief and freedom even if it's work-related.

Full List Here:
https://templeobike.com/2020/07/05/signs-your-partner-is-cheating/

A) A spike in Sexual interest or A lack of interest: There is an emotional detachment required to cheat. With those detachments the first things that go are those intimate nuances such as solid eye contact and kisses.
B) An Obsession with a Device (phone or laptop): When the work-related emergencies pile-up and business partners are hot buzzing their phones for discussions that need to happen behind closed doors you may need to worry.
C) Your Partner's Moral Compass Suddenly Comes Correct: When your partner suddenly starts quoting verses, becomes pious, throws them-self into charitable activities please look really well. If there was no Near Death Experience, a spiritual encounter or a life altering situation to trigger all of this, you may just be right in the middle of a P.R campaign.
D) No Ring: Many veteran cheaters no longer fall for this one but some pee-wee ones still forget to slip it back on. If this does happen and you get feedback such as i think i lost weight and it keeps falling off, it's triggering my allergy etc you may just have a bigger issue on your hands.
E) Off-guarded Name-drops & Innocent Consistent Banter about Someone: When the clouds are filled with vapor they release rain and in this same manner, when the brain is obsessed with a thing, it spills names,events or places.
H) Anger and Violence Meant to Distract: The shame and guilt that comes with cheating are always looking for expression.

"Pain that you do NOT transform MUST be transmitted" - Father Richard Rohr
F) Money Lies: When your partner is in charge of the finances without you being involved, it could be for a lot of reasons. An article i wrote on Financial Infidelity mentions a lot of these reasons but let's single out one of it. An affair.
G) Little Lies & (not-so) Elegant Excuses: Lying is a defense mechanism we learn as children. We know it's bad and most times rather than tell a lie, most would rather give an excuse. This is a much better moral pill than going all out and lying. When a partner starts cheating, they cannot avoid excuses first and subsequently all out lies.
I) Frequent Travel: The "I'm going on a trip" line is one most committed partners have come to dread because it's one of those scenarios that leaves them clueless on what their partner may be getting up to. Let's dive into facts... We all know that the more frequently a partner travels the higher their chances of straying because travelling by itself has a momentary feeling of relief and freedom even if it's work-related.

Full List Here:
https://templeobike.com/2020/07/05/signs-your-partner-is-cheating/

Hi Temple,
I am - , born to Egyptian and Saudi parents. I am a banker in – (the emirates) and manage a branch to one of the top banks in-country. I am married with – children and my husband is a caring and loving father. My issue started in 2014 during a holiday in Greece. My husband and children came with me and on one of the days i went out with my kids to buy some groceries. I saw a bar where a couple of people were gathered and having some drinks and decided i was going to come back that evening with my husband after tucking our kids in since it was just across our hotel.

Prior to this period, i’d like to mention that i had a very great upbringing, had – siblings which i took care of, lived a sheltered life and both my parents were professionals, devout Muslims and i had never cheated in my marriage to him. That evening, my husband was neck deep in work and urged me to go out and have fun alone and maybe shop. I went out to the bar had a few drinks and for some inexplicable reason had a quick round of sex with a young man who had taken an interest in me and then to my amazement collected the 30 Euro he gave to me. I earn in 6 digits monthly but still i collected 30 euros. I got back after 2 hours and all was fine but something changed in me that day.

Temple Say’s –
Well, talking about cupboards filled with skeletons you sure come to mind BUT listen carefully, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. After talking to over 300 individuals (this is sparta), one thing i’ve learnt is that there are no saints here just humans with both good and bad. With this intro out of the way, let’s cut to the chase....

Full Article:
https://templeobike.com/2020/07/03/human-deviance-and-debauchery/

Sitting across women and in some cases men who feel violated but cannot express it because it happens under the confines of marriage is one of the most emotional moments ever. Individuals who can neither talk to their spouse about the way they make them feel nor speak to friends who would simply wave off the discussion as absurd or silly. Speaking to clients these past years, i have started noticing some patterns to what triggers spousal rape and here are some of them.

Alcohol: This is not a campaign against alcohol. That would not be helpful for many including my humble self. A significant portion of the complaints came from women who felt abused after their husbands came home from a night-out where they had been drinking.
Pornography: Many clients who have sought assistance as it pertains to porn addiction said that one of the things they hated most about this addiction was it’s tendency to make them sexually aggressive. Secondly...
Socially Incited Generalization: Many men and women go out and have discussions with friends who tell tales of great sexual feats.Others stumble on some content on the internet that supplies information that feeds into an innately desired fetish of theirs. The...
High Acceptance of Nudity: This point is a touchy one but i decided to still talk about it. I have spoken to over 70 rape victims and a handful of individuals who their sexual habits were leading them down a path to becoming full blown rapists. One of the major things i learnt was that when people (especially celebrities) who an individual respects carry decide to go nude(semi or full), it either makes them (the follower) dis-respect the person or lower their resistance to the act. ..

Click here for full write-up: https://templeobike.com/2020/06/15/marital-rape-nigeria-africa/

Here are 20 THINGS I HAVE LEARNT ABOUT HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
1 Humans love choice because it gives them an illusion of control but once a purchase decision comes with too many options, people will simply not buy anything. Too many choices affect the ability of many people to confidently part ways with their cash.This is especially for my business people out there. Give customers too many options, service offerings, solutions etc. (usually 4 and above), you stand a higher risk of loosing that customer.
2 Telling a lie requires 5 times the mental effort required to tell a truth. Lying takes more mental space because even though they are lying, they always need to remember what the truth really is.
3 Risk-taking behavior is not a thing that has a life-wide relevance. For instance, your male friend who could drive from Lagos to Abuja all night and alone between 9pm – 6am might be scared of talking to beautiful women.
4 People who seek out advice from other people end up influencing the person they are asking for advice. This is a great point for pastors, lawyers, therapists, counselors, teachers or other individuals who are in positions where they offer advice others. There is a level of openness required to genuinely assist a fellow human and whatever you open up to has the ability to influence you if they know how.
5 Women often times argue with people they actually care for and less arguments occur when there is little or no existent care. Fella’s please note, arguments aren’t always an invitation to a fight, it’s sometimes an invitation to solve a problem.

The full points are listed here. https://templeobike.com/2020/06/06/human-behaviour-and-what-i-learnt-from-it/

Here are 20 THINGS I HAVE LEARNT ABOUT HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
1 Humans love choice because it gives them an illusion of control but once a purchase decision comes with too many options, people will simply not buy anything. Too many choices affect the ability of many people to confidently part ways with their cash.This is especially for my business people out there. Give customers too many options, service offerings, solutions etc. (usually 4 and above), you stand a higher risk of loosing that customer.
2 Telling a lie requires 5 times the mental effort required to tell a truth. Lying takes more mental space because even though they are lying, they always need to remember what the truth really is.
3 Risk-taking behavior is not a thing that has a life-wide relevance. For instance, your male friend who could drive from Lagos to Abuja all night and alone between 9pm – 6am might be scared of talking to beautiful women.
4 People who seek out advice from other people end up influencing the person they are asking for advice. This is a great point for pastors, lawyers, therapists, counselors, teachers or other individuals who are in positions where they offer advice others. There is a level of openness required to genuinely assist a fellow human and whatever you open up to has the ability to influence you if they know how.
5 Women often times argue with people they actually care for and less arguments occur when there is little or no existent care. Fella’s please note, arguments aren’t always an invitation to a fight, it’s sometimes an invitation to solve a problem.

The full points are listed here. https://templeobike.com/2020/06/06/human-behaviour-and-what-i-learnt-from-it/

You can contact Brand Envoy Africa on 07066663071 or business@brandsenvoy.com. They are helping my uncle distribute and market red,white wine plus some cream liquor in Nigeria and Ghana since 2018. This relationship has been very much fruitful with no stories that touch.

You can contact Brand Envoy Africa on 07066663071 or letsbrandu@brandenvoy.mobi. They are helping my uncle distribute and market red,white wine plus some cream liquor in Nigeria and Ghana since 2018. This relationship has been very much fruitful with no stories that touch.

What do you do when you wake up one day and discover that your spouse is bi-sexual? How do i handle the associated emotions? for the fella’s this may sound like a “T-pain” – My girls got a girlfriend music video scene while for some women, an opportunity to live out a “menage a trois” fantasy that’ll save them from a sexually frustrating relationship. Well, maybe it is all those at the beginning for some but not always for too long in many instances.

I’ve seen the pain in the eyes of men and women when the novelty starts to wear off. It’s a pain that leads to resentment, rage & murderous intent. This article is here to help both the bi-sexual who is confused and the depressed heterosexual navigate this tough period post-discovery.

Full Article Here: https://templeobike.com/2020/05/28/navigating-partner-bi-sexuality/

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Mr Temple,
I am 58 years old and a i run a ^$*#()##^@)! business in Nigeria. I married my wife 23 years ago and our union or whatever it is now has been blessed with 2 grown children. My wife is friendly and always appreciates other people as much as she can. Her jovial nature attracts people to her. Since our marriage, i have always held her in high esteem and respected her. I provide for my family and we are devout Christians who are very active in church and also respected there.
I recently discovered that the female nannies, friends who always supposedly came into the country and needed a few days to settle in before getting a hotel they could stay in were all my wife's sexual partners. My first encounter came ....
Full Article Here : https://templeobike.com/2020/05/23/help-me-my-partner-is-bisexual/

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Dear Temple,
I'm a 28 year old woman and i live in Abuja with my husband. My husband and i have been married for 2 years. The first three months of this our marriage i found pictures of male celebrities local and international on his phone with some picture of male pen*@es. I confronted him with this and he said he wants to build himself physically to look like them and also have a bigger man*%od. I found this odd because i was not complaining about any of this. I requested that he delete them all.
Just three days ago, i needed.....

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Full Article Here : https://templeobike.com/2020/05/23/help-me-my-partner-is-bisexual/

More Complaints and the answers that help.
https://templeobike.com/2020/05/10/financial-infidelity-lying-spouse-marriage-2/

Temple,
I have seen your articles and the issues it talks about. Thank you because i have learnt so much and constantly improving in my own little way. One problem i have is that my husband does not tell me anything about money. He just gives me money to take care of the house every month and the rest he keeps it to himself and before month end we are lacking again. If i ask him he will shout on me like it is a terrible thing i did and they day he decides to talk small he will be giving political answers. It give me headache every time since we got married in 1998. Please try to read my question, i really need help.
Mrs Onowu.
Enugu State

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Mr Temple,
I would like to remain anonymous. I'm a 43, year old man who lives in Abuja, Nigeria and have been married for 12 years. Eight months ago, I lost my banking job where i rose to a Branch Manager's position. My main concern is that while i was working i was the one providing for my immediate and extended family. This was something i was glad to help with and never complained about. From my children's schooling, home expenses, vehicle maintenance, my wife's business and more. However, the past 5 months have been unhappy for me because while i was trying to ensure that we have enough and working as hard as i could, my wife was saving money she never mentioned.I began noticing that she was always lying about how she got money, quickly buying things and stealthily bringing them into the home so she claims they have been there. After i lost my job all the money she had suddenly started coming from her business which she always had maintained was not doing well. I stumbled upon a customers copy of a bank's slip in her name where she transferred Two Million, Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand to a company. This aroused my curiosity and i got an old banking colleague to look into her account. The result shocked me. My wife had over Thirty Million Naira in her account excluding the debit i saw. She did not take a loan but had steadily built up the account over the period i was working. This hurts me because all i had ever done was to take care of my family in the most respectful manner and to find out i had been used and lied to makes it worse. I asked her about the slip and she aggressively said it was payment for someone without knowing i had seen it was a farm she had been running for 2 years without telling me. She does not come from a wealthy home and i know she used to lie about money quite a bit but this? Please what do i do?

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More Complaints and the answers that help.
https://templeobike.com/2020/05/10/financial-infidelity-lying-spouse-marriage-2/

MY NANNY LEFT NOW MY HUSBAND HAS TURNED ME TO A SLAVE
Temple,
I am a married woman with kids, my children are not so grown as my eldest is 8 years old. We had a nanny who has stayed with us for almost four years. She left three months ago because the economic situation got to our house and we agreed to let her go. Besides, her school fees was getting harder to pay coupled with that of my kids.  The problem now sir is that my husband now expects me to do all the work she used to do and always complains that the house is dirty and not arranged. He does not help out at all. Please what do i do?

Temple Say's ... I suggest you call your husband and lovingly tell him the stress you are currently under since the nanny left. Tell him the areas you would be happy if he could gradually start helping out with. No aggression, no insults, no double talk just plain old conversation. If this does not work, s.....

https://templeobike.com/2020/04/30/lets-talk-emotional-questions-answers-from-the-heart/

You sef don join the crew gracie abi? .. All truth from the nigga. Marriages are under serious fire. Madam dey cheat, oga dey cheat. Family dey rotten dey go. Na mindset ish be dat las las..

gracie007:
I saw this article during this lock-down period and it helped me and my husband who had been a serial cheater heal. He saw it first and then sent it to me afterwards. It's a topic i don't expect clicks or many comments for because it's a private,sensitive problem but just read and learn my people. Marriages are seriously under attack. Here's the article below..i just put a part of it here. i added the link to the source too.
----------------------
Marriage infidelity is now common among both sexes and after speaking to numerous clients who have either cheated or were cheated on, these six points below are some of the reasons most affairs happened.

Little or no communication leading to distancing
Lack of trust for a partner
Unresolved conflict that is allowed to go on for too long
Lack of value for a partner
Expectations that were unrealistic pre-marriage
Sudden financial worries.
Retaliation or Revenge Affairs
All these needs that are unfulfilled will definitely look for satisfaction somewhere else. Couples, marriages are more at risk these days than ever and it’s important that you set wise boundaries with friends, colleagues etc. Most affairs started off as well meaning friendships but slowly evolved undetected until that first kiss, touch, groping, sexual thought or sex. Infidelity i have also noticed stems from childhood. Children who were deprived emotionally grow up seeking for constant attention and validation. These children grow to become adults who place unrealistic demands on their spouse. They feel let down if their spouse can’t fulfill this craving and then they look for attention outside of marriage.

Most clients caught up in adultery whom i have spoken to believed this was a quest where they were seeking for real love. At the end, it only turned out that for 80% of them, it was just a desire to feel better about themselves.

Retaliation or revenge like i mentioned earlier is one of the fast rising “star-reasons” many especially women are having affairs. On the flip side, many men begin affairs once money or their power positions increase because suddenly their sense of entitlement to life’s pleasures also increase. There are many reasons adultery occurs in marriages but it is overall a self-centered decision. A decision that is poised to satisfy selfish desires and sadly comes with a lot of deception.

There is good news and i want to tell you that even after YOU have cheated on your spouse or had been cheated upon by your better half both can still heal. So here are a few tips on adultery, affairs and how to recover from it.

ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HEAL
It mustn’t always end in divorce because what is the guarantee that the next relationship won’t have a repeat. I have seen cases where people who were hurt in previous relationship start to unknowingly self-sabotage themselves by triggering a series of abusive relationships after their first terrible experience.Healing after infidelity is not impossible. More and more couples are enduring the difficult healing process in attempt to restore their marriages.

The magic question. A very hard question to ask especially by the partner who has been wronged. However, the moment you ask this magic question “Why did you cheat on me”?, it suddenly balances you (the offended) out and in most cases creates an healthy environment for the adulterer to express themselves.
Full Article Here: https://templeobike.com/2019/09/08/how-to-rebuild-trust-after-adultery/
Audio Podcast: https://templeobike.com/soul-bodega-podcast/

My elder sister had some issue sometime ago similar to what you are talking about. Unfortunately you are not in Nigeria but please check this link out. The guy was referred to us and he helped her after a painful 6 months for us all. https://templeobike.com/deprogramming-and-exit-counseling/ . Speak to them i'm certain they can help.

valuedrvn:
Please if someone was initiated into a spiritual sect at birth, How does he or she get out? The victim is christian but at a point of madness and depression and stays in Canada with me. We are both Liberians and friends who have known each other for over 12 years.

Please help with any constructive assistance please. it's urgent.

A sexual relationship with a person(s) who isn't your spouse is Adultery. This relationship could be emotional or not. An emotional affair with anyone who isn't your spouse is also adultery in a more concealed form. This happens when a person turns to someone  else usually of the opposite sex outside of their marriage for primary emotional support (e.g talking about financial difficulty, home issues, facing esteem issues etc.). This is more harmful than physical adultery.

Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point, i'd like to mention that if you have a married friend who you support emotionally, you are doing more harm than good to them and if you were honest to yourself, you should know that this isn't your duty.

Marriage infidelity is now common among both sexes and after speaking to numerous clients who have either cheated or were cheated on, these six points below are some of the reasons most affairs happened.

Little or no communication leading to distancing
Lack of trust for a partner
Unresolved conflict that is allowed to go on for too long
Lack of value for a partner
Expectations that were unrealistic pre-marriage
Sudden financial worries.
Retaliation or Revenge Affairs

Most clients caught up in adultery whom i have spoken to believed this was a quest where they were seeking for real love.  At the end, it only turned out that for 80% of them, it was just a desire to feel better about themselves.


There is good news and i want to tell you that even after YOU have cheated on your spouse or had been cheated upon by your better half both can still heal. So here are a few tips on adultery, affairs and how to recover from it.

ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HEAL

It mustn't always end in divorce or separation because what is the guarantee that the next relationship won't have a repeat. I have seen cases where people who were hurt in previous relationship start to unknowingly self-sabotage themselves by triggering a series of abusive relationships after their first terrible experience.Healing after infidelity is not impossible. More and more couples are enduring the difficult healing process in attempt to restore their marriages.


Enrich & Restore. This is what i call "The Emo Eraser". Something bad has happened and it's fresh on the mind. How do you replace this? Simply look for a way to remind the offended about the good things about your relationship. If they still are not talking to you, you can do it through cards, a whatsapp message(if you haven't been blocked �), an sms, flowers with notes on them). This process is a humbling one that involves learning new skills that will make the bond between partners strong again.

You were the faithful one in this relationship, you gave it everything you had, your partner was everything to you until they messed it all up. Will i ever trust again?(Yes you will), where do i even start from?(you are reading this so you have started already). There is a sequence i noticed when counseling clients who their partners cheated on.


For the faithful one who was let down, these are the phases they go through:

Full Article here...https://templeobike.com/2019/09/08/how-to-rebuild-trust-after-adultery/

Is the corona virus lock-down affecting your marriage and relationship? You might be new couples or may have been together for years but holing up together in one spot could present a great opportunity to know your partner better or in the case of many marriages, HELL. One thing I’ve noticed is that tensions and strained conversation between couples has been on the rise.

Over the past three weeks, i have received innumerable calls from worried spouses and partners. They want to know if a sign of irritation signals a “no love” situation in their relationship or marriage. The answer is no. So abeg, just chill.

A recent speculation by divorce lawyers says that the corona virus lock-down will affect marriage and relationships with noticeable increase in divorce rates. This will spike later on in the year due to what i have decided to call self-isolation discoveries. Don’t work yourself up into a corner thinking about something that may never happen but just in case it does happen, i will advice on what you could do about this.

LIST OF THINGS SELF-ISOLATION WILL UNCOVER ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP or PARTNER

Industry – Spending time with your partner during this corona virus lock-down is going to show you how industrious they are as an individual. Can they make something out of nothing? Is your partner someone you can leave money, assets, valuables with and have them double the value up or are they caught up with complaints and reasons why opportunities may not work.

Crises Management Skills – We are all not called to be John Rambo or Wonder Woman of the Amazon but spouses, being brave for your better half in times of crises is a very important attribute in marriage or relationships. It makes men attractive and women desirable.

At a time when the world is ravaged by a pandemic, don’t add to the stress levels around the home by painting doomed pictures, discussing every conspiracy theory or just looking like the whole world crashed. Bravery is not a must but it’s an honorable choice that says “Although i’m afraid, i decide to look for ways to navigate us to the other , better side”. Fella’s, there’s nothing sexier than this.

Real Money Situation – COVID-19 is a bastard! Ailment with no parents. Many families and couples have come to the stark reality that there was really no savings stowed away for the proverbial rainy day. All they had was a piggy bank. Two weeks into isolation, money worries are plaguing many relationships because partners are getting worried and asking themselves questions about the roles and input everyone has been making so far. Without over-stating the obvious, this will be the second highest reason many relationships and marriages will break up further down the line. Fights are erupting in homes over money and trivial issues.


Ladies, at this point i want to soothe your fears a little. You see that man you married, he’s on a journey of self-discovery and waking up one day and discovering money stowed away isn’t enough is part of that journey. This is where your role as a help meet and source of encouragement for him kicks in. Look beyond the obvious and see those things that made you love him when he had nothing. Make him see those things for himself too. Going for the next available man (or woman) for financial gain is the worst self-valuation technique ever and please don’t ever convince yourself you did it for the family because that’s not true. Stay, help your partner through the maze without compromising their ego.

☣️…….. it gets juicy from here..
⚠️ Affairs (My partner may be cheating on me) – Well, let’s just say i left the most important for last. I’ll divide it into two parts namely;
I will divide this into two parts...
Click below for the full article...
https://templeobike.com/2020/04/10/is-corona-virus-lockdown-affecting-my-marriage-or-relationship-lagos-abuja-portharcourt-nigeria/


Written by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over two-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475. Appointments are scheduled within 24 hours. https://templeobike.com .

Hating social gatherings doesn't make you one with low self-esteem. Feelings of insecurity affect us all every now and then but what truly affects us is when we dwell on these feelings.
However, feeling comfortable around people who are similar to you may not be an ideal step because people who are similar to you may in most cases be a limiting approach to experiencing life from other angles.. On a light note, only someone who is confident in themself can be comfortable in enjoying their own company.

justnock:
I applaud your article. It is exceptional.
I am an introvert and hate social gatherings. Does that mean I have low self-esteem? We all can feel insecure about certain things, from time to time, but it doesn't necessarily mean one has a low self-esteem.
It's a natural phenomenon to feel insecure about certain things but languishing in your insecurity over anything, is what breeds insecurity.
Take me for instance, I am a thinker. I enjoy only my company. I only enjoy the company of others when I deem them similar to me. I tend to feel comfortable around people after observing and studying them. I don't take to people easily.
I see myself to be weird in a good way.

“I may not be able to talk to everyone but at least my post can reach more people”.

Do things get to you easily? Is your sense of who you are always wounded by what others think about you? These are signs of a low self-esteem. On this article i included ways to identify and then fight low-esteem. Did you know little things such as pretending to be engrossed with your phone at social events with a smile on your face making it look like it’s a party in there are tell-tale signs of low self-esteem? This is something i constantly help my clients walk through because it has the capacity of destroying everything else.

This affects everyone and dips your confidence in the process. I remember a speaking function i was invited to few days to my birthday in June 2013 at a prestigious annual event in South Africa. I messed up so badly that the next year the organizers wanted me to come back again and boy, did i disappoint their expectations. Understanding that your confidence is in jeopardy does not mean you can’t fix the root esteem issues causing it.

What is Low Self-Esteem
This is simply a poor perception of one’s self. That feeling which make you feel incompetent or unlovable. Taking this further, it is important to note that people who suffer from low self-esteem are usually overtly alert and overtly vigilant to signs of rejection and disrespect even when there is none. This often opens them up to making mistakes, judging poorly,setting themselves up for embarrassment. These activities usually poke their esteem negatively.

“I know that everybody’s esteem is at the mercy of other peoples thoughts, notions and opinions but i’ve seen many people destroy themselves from within. A harsh inner critic that is generated by them that collapses everything around them.

Soul Bodega (The Needle-Eye)
Soul Bodega (The Needle-Eye) – Powerful lessons i learnt from studying and helping human beings for over a decade made available to you. Click to enter.



The Harsh Inner Critic
This harsh inner critic adds to your negative perception of yourself. This is a deadly activity with far-reaching consequences for many reasons. We know that we become what we think over time and this is the problem everyone who does not fight to reverse the effect of low self-esteem in their life will have to deal with.

Imagine a student who believes that his dean does not like him. The student is likely to avoid every interaction with the dean and would react defensively, in a cynical manner or even become explosive in attitude when they interact. How we relate to people is usually a function of how we think they perceive us. This perception can be right or in most scenarios WRONG.

SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM & HOW TO FIGHT THEM
In 2019, 12% of the clients i had the opportunity to assist trough a phase had low self-esteem at the core of their issues. I have researched and compiled signs that point towards low self-esteem. Low self-esteem make people go the extra mile to prove points that aren’t necessary. It can make a man become excessively macho or domineering to cover up this deficit and a woman too high-maintenance to belabor the fact that her worth is out of this world. To fight low self-esteem, we must be willing to peel off the layers we have wrapped ourselves in.

Here are a few signs and pointers to the esteem scourge.

A) Genuine compliments look like masked insults to you.
You can stop this by constantly reminding yourself that “You (put your name) are worth loving and possess lots of great qualities

B) Always comparing yourself to other people.
When you are always looking at other people you believe are more successful than you are, this affects your esteem and your lifes journey. Stop this by simply telling yourself always that “I (insert name) am more than enough to achieve anything”

C) You slouch and your posture looks a bit defeated.
This tells everyone around you that you are not ready to take on anything serious neither are you proud of yourself. This has to end today, learn to straighten out your posture and soon your mind will begin telling you that greatness is coming your way.

D) You ALWAYS check your phone when you’re alone in social situations.
I know many will argue with this one but it’s a sad truth. While a few people do this to actually check on their phones, many do it when there are little or no friends around to appear more socially connected and look like whatever events happening on their mobile world is far more exciting than the one in the present.

“You can gradually stop this by practicing an exercise i recommend for my clients.. In social settings look out for 2 things that can make you laugh every five minutes without touching your phone. This is ideal for two reasons. firstly, it takes away attention from your phone and secondly, a genuine laugh is attractive and warms you up while also making people around you comfortable”.

E) Giving up on things too soon.
Once your plan takes an unplanned detour or you experience one obstacle, you give up on your idea because you lack confidence in our ability to succeed. To change this, remind yourself that you are here to succeed not to avoid failure..

F)Excessive make-up and pruning is a MUST.
When you cannot leave home without a layer of make-up or excessive pruning, thn there’s an underlying issue of acceptance. Tell yourself daily “I am beautiful in the morning, noon or at night”.

G) You always back down during disagreements with other people to let peace reign.
Yes it’s a good thing but also a terrible thing if you constantly become the opinion chameleon who negotiates their views rather than defend your opinion to the end. Avoiding confrontation all your life will not only affect your negotiation skills in life but erode your chances of ever getting to positions of key influence. This is a topic i will write on soon. To stop this , always tell yourself that your opinion matters regardless of the outcome.

H) You do NOT like to receive positive criticism.
When a friend tells you about a wardrobe error you keep making or a colleague informs you your performance on the office task wasn’t all that, your emotion kicks in. Everything is not about you. To stop this, always step outside of yourself for a bit and see if their suggestion could change you for the better and count backwards from 5 to 1 before responding.

I) You do not contribute in conversations for fear of being wrong.
Do you always think about what you want to say before you say it? When you finally get into the conversation, you begin talking yourself down or become incoherent. To stop this, i always advice clients to actually approach the situation from a truth perspective. Ask the people talking to enlighten you on the topic and watch this open up things. People love to teach and won’t let go of an opportunity to shine.

J) You find it difficult making the simplest decisions.
You just arrived at a decisions but changed your mind, then you go back to the first option only to ask someone to help you make up your mind. This is a character flaw that gives off the essence of a deficit in the control of your personal life and people quickly pick up on this cue.

“Many people who have abusive friendships and relationships where they are used financially, sexually or otherwise unknowingly trigger the access the moment the other party recognizes they can’t make decisions for themselves”

-Temple Obike

How to stop this is simple. Always remind yourself that “I (insert name) are in total control of my life as mandated by (God, Allah, Buddah etc.). Say it out loud and enjoy the process of making mistakes sometimes. You will not always choose the best food at the restaurant, you will not always get the question right but one thing you can always do is get an opportunity to do it again some other time because YOU ARE ALIVE.

As always, i hope this piece helped someone somewhere. Understanding how powerful your self-esteem is will help you make conscious efforts to positively train yourself. Knowledge they say is power but i say in it’s right application lies real mastery.

Written by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over two-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475. Appointments are scheduled within 24 hours. https://templeobike.com .

You can contact Brand Envoy Africa on 07066663071 or letsbrandu@brandenvoy.mobi. They are helping my uncle distribute and market red,white wine plus some cream liquor in Nigeria and Ghana. They are okay too with no stories that touch since 2018.

Yes i attended marriage counseling classes just out of formality though before i got married. Unfortunately for me madam liked it. We first went to ICN at Ikoyi,Lagos which was great. Afterwards we needed something a bit private and professional so we were directed to Temple's Counsel in Lekki. It was a cool and professional experience... We still use both. Had just one session with each.

My elder sis is a nurse who lived abroad for almost 8 years but came home in 2019 and tried setting up a counseling practice. She visited plenty so called counselors and psychotherapists to see what happens here in naija. Boy were we dissapointed. but there were two people she said were as professional as it gets. I advice you check them out.


1)Personal Professional Counseling - His name is Temple Obike and he has been quietly helping marriages and individuals. He writes on some real issues on his blog.. Reach his office on +2348109055475 or https://templescounsel.com/
2) Counseling Center - They are Institute of Counseling Nigeria. They train counselors and have helped many lives in Nigeria. Their website is intimacyclinic.org and Phone is 0818 457 5377

I have been opportuned to visit many centres but these two in my opinion stand out in terms of actual results, referral rates and professionalism.. Try them.
1)Personal Professional Counseling - His name is Temple Obike and he has been quietly helping marriages and individuals. He writes on some real issues on his blog.. Reach his office on +2348074737662 or https://templeobike.com
2) Counseling Centre - They are Institute of Counseling Nigeria. They train counselors and have helped many lives in Nigeria. Their website is intimacyclinic.org and Phone is 0818 457 5377

Guys there are marriage counselors in Nigeria that their work has spoken for.. .
1)Personal Professional Counseling - His name is Temple Obike and he has been quietly helping marriages and individuals. He writes on some real issues on his blog.. Reach his office on +2348074737662 or https://templescounsel.com
2) Counseling Centre - They are Institute of Counseling Nigeria. They train counselors and have helped many lives in Nigeria. Their website is intimacyclinic.org and Phone is 0818 457 5377

I believe millions of people who are addicted to masturbation may have been asking the wrong question for many years. Is masturbation right or wrong? This in my humble opinion is the reason this same issue has been shrouded and hushed. People struggling with this habit have been shamed into keeping quiet and they have also learnt to cover up their habits by also speaking out against other people who their sexual struggles are more pronounced as a way of solidifying their moral high-ground.

If we do NOT freely talk about masturbation and how to transition people addicted to this behavior, it will be treated like a taboo and those who struggle with it will device more means to cover this up rather than seek for professional help. I decided to write this piece because i noticed that this topic had become quite significant in the emails that kept pouring into our insafehands016@gmail.com email. For the married folk, the question thickens. Is my masturbation as a married man/woman wrong? Masturbation is NOT a topic to discuss on how wrong or right it is instead it is a topic that has to be approached from a “How i feel after masturbating” angle.

Below are some of the questions that i received and i will attempt to provide clarity to the best of my ability.

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Hi Temple,

Thanks for the write-up’s and help you render by discussing things we all think about but are afraid to say in public or talk about.

Please i am 34 year-old guy, a devout christian, married with 2 kids but my dark secret bothers me too much.

I am obsessed with masturbation. I do this 4 times daily average and i feel really dirty about it. I want to know if this is a bad thing because i have really gone through the bible even to see if there is anywhere it is mentioned but did not find it. I feel spiritually down after masturbating and even when i’m with my wife i have to concentrate really hard to see her there and not anybody else.

I have read many of your articles and tried to use them in my everyday life but please talk about this.



Thank you

Anonymous



Answer-
Dearest Anonymous,

Thank you for trusting me enough to land this on my plate. I will eat it (lol just yanking your chain mein).

I see that the worrisome thing about masturbating for you is the moral implication. You seem to be an active member in your local assembly because anyone who would devour the entire bible searching for masturbation quick-fact’s is sure devout. Since your research took you there but still you found nothing, i will help with that question. However, i will say this, “Concentrate on how masturbation makes you feel after the act because if you keep focusing on what God say’s about it (which is also important), you will almost find reasons to continue on the path”. This is almost like an addict looking for reasons that re-inforces their habit. We already know God wants us in a particular state of mind noble, good report seeking and not feeling guilty, ashamed or esteem-battered.

Going back to your first question, my Sunday school teacher taught me something 25 years ago. It was in Matthew 5:27-30 and It says;

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus was speaking to people who already knew that adultery was a sin but they were proud and trying to impress themselves with the fact that they were not adulterers. So Jesus moved the cheese. He then told them that even looking at a woman and lusting after her in your heart was also adultery. This meant everyone was guilty. This is my exegesis of that scripture. 95% of all masturbation activities is fueled by pornography and this involves substituting a performer in the video and including one’s self. You didn’t actually sleep with them physically but you did imagine it and masturbated to it by simply watching the clip or magazine etc.

Notice that Jesus did not say that after looking at a woman lustfully, you have committed fornication in your heart. Adultery in my opinion has to do with marriage and fornication has to do with a random individual. So this also tells me that Jesus was almost insinuating that he already had someone destined for every woman and man. Meaning that the lust in your heart was also substituting someone else just like in porn to make you a key player. This substitution is also followed up with wild thoughts even if it was for a nano-second, you have masturbated mentally and most times, the more of these images we pack into our mental suitcase, the more certain it is that physical masturbation isn’t too far away. This is the closest real example i have from the bible on how God feels about masturbation bro.

On your wife, my candid advice to you is this. If your wife has slowly strayed in form, gently and wisely suggest activities that can bring her back as imagining you and another third-party affects things negatively in the bedroom. Please note the underlined words because if this isn’t done properly, you may have a different kind of problem on your hands. Secondly, i advice you join her in this form-regaining activity because for all you care, Bradd Pitt could also be in the room with you guys every time you make love. Just saying bro.Hope it helped.

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Hi,

I’m 49 years old, a mother of 3 and i masturbate 5 times weekly. My husband does not satisfy me as our sexual paces are different and his excessive alcohol intake is the culprit. We have spoken to sex-therapists both locally and abroad but this problem persists and the drinking hasn’t stopped either. This makes me masturbate regularly to keep me from cheating. I hail from the northern part of the country and was privy to be in one of your events at Abuja where someone asked some questions along these lines but not in my context. Coming from a conservative background, i was taught to stick regardless and this is the reason i’m here and still trying to solve this.

Please i need to know if ;

masturbation is wrong?
masturbation is also categorized as cheating because i know my husband does not masturbate?
Kindly help with this.

Thanks

Answer –
Hello,

Thanks for your question. Firstly, i’d like to thank you for coming to my group sessions in Abuja. Appreciated.

I believe both of you deserve to be applauded because you actively went in search of solutions. With what you’ve written here, i believe the solution is staring us all in the face. Once the level of alcohol reduces things should gradually sweeten up. The only down-side i see is that this is not exactly within your control but your husband’s. So whenever he’s ready to make this lifestyle change, it’s a go.

Until that time arrives, you need to change something at your own end. You need to change the narrative you have created from;

This makes me masturbate regularly to keep me from cheating | TO | This makes me masturbate regularly to cater to my sexual needs at the moment.

The reason for this is simply because we (humans) have a way of attracting what we are most afraid of to ourselves. If you focus too much on NOT cheating, you will unnaturally (almost supernaturally) gravitate towards infidelity.

Let’s answer your questions ma’am asking if;

if masturbation is wrong? – I answered this question if you read through the entire post below but in a nutshell, the right question is “How do you feel after masturbation?” . You will practice the seven levels deep exercise (explained below).
if masturbation is also categorized as cheating because i know my husband does not masturbate? – Well, i sense you already feel like you are cheating on him by masturbating. The sheer nature of masturbation entails the need to first of all see something that triggers the need to have sex, then you replace something in that scene and place yourself in there. If your husband is there in the scene it means with a little work, both of you can get right back on top of your sex game. However if the mental scene has you as the star and your co-star is somebody else. Madam i no go lie give you, yawa dey.

It’s not all bad though because you can begin to re-wire your mind by asking your husband to be there while you masturbate. It might sound weird, demeaning or easier said than practiced (you’re right) but if this one gesture is approved by hubby, it will clear your two questions in one move. That’s what we can call “A Queens Checkmate”. Try it out and let me know. Else we go back to the drawing board.

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Dear Temple,

I think masturbation is taking over every aspect of my life. I’m a working-class woman, Nigerian, still single and actively searching for a man. I have what i believe to be an active sex-life but i seem to prefer masturbation rather than sex itself.

The part that really upsets me is that i really don’t bother improving my relationship skill because masturbation has taken over my natural urge. I have been masturbating for 19 years now and will be 39 years old this September (yes i started early). I have never been abused or raped but this is a habit i picked up in my teenage years after stumbling on my cousin having his bath. Since then, i imagine everyone i want to have sex with in my head.

My only defense is that masturbation helps me avoid living a morally loose lifestyle because i have a high-sex drive. Sometimes at work, i go to the bathroom just to masturbate and this new development was actually what really led me to write to you.

What’s a sister to do please?

Regards,

The Expectant.

Answer –
Dear Expectant,

If masturbation was a school, you would be in your 3rd year ready to go for your Industrial Training ( �.. just kidding). Now that you smiled a little, i want to tell you that whatever takes over your life is what you ALLOW. You will be surprised that all it takes to break an 19 year-old habit is to replace it with something else. The good news is that this takes between 21 to 27 days.

I’m glad you have been able to see the good aspect of masturbation, which is how it helps you not sleep with every Aliyu, Nnamdi and Sesan. This is also the encouragement 92% of other masturbators out there cite as well.

I’ve treated over fifteen (15) masturbation addiction cases and for each of those cases, two things were at the root of it. Stress and Boredom.
Stress that could emanate from previous experiences in the course of one’s life or current realities. Boredom that slowly creeps into our lives maybe out of monotony, a lack of satisfaction in an aspect of our lives etc. If you can seek out these triggers you can curb the urge, This is a topic i hope to treat expansively at some other time but i’ll tell you the first and last steps to fighting masturbation.

FIRST: Don’t just try to stop it, replace it with another (good) habit

7 other points.

LAST: You MAY WILL fail a few times, so dust yourself up & let’s go again.

Lastly, you’ve been a really bad girl. Now you’re stealing too? stealing the bosses time for a little “you-time” �.. Well, truth be told, that point you are currently on is a very deadly stage when you’re hooked on masturbation. I know deep down you feel guilty about this part because if not you wouldn’t mention it. This is the part where i tell you the whole truth.

Masturbation by itself would die a natural death if starved. It’s like a needy child always crying for more. The more Indecency video clips, dirty magazines, raw whatsapp chats, x-rated gossip etc that you engage in, the more you feed it. Have you noticed how you chat with that guy you really liked and after a while just when things seemed to be heating up between the two of you, you went cold on him physically but not emotionally. You go home and fantasize about him or even masturbate with images of him in your head yet physically cold towards him. This has almost nothing to do with you at this point but has everything to do with something happening in your brain’s reward centre. Over time you have re-wired and rewarded your brain continuously with masturbation rather than sex. So you unconsciously abort everything that would normally lead to sex and sabotage it while encouraging everything that would lead to masturbation.

A LITTLE CHAT ON YOUR BRAIN’s REWARD CENTER, DOPAMINE & HABITUATION
A “Reward Center” was created in our brains to ensure our survival as humans. When your brains reward centre is excited, it releases a high level of Dopamine. “Dopamine” is a chemical that creates a pleasing, enjoyable sensation. So, we are likely to repeat any behavior that is necessary for rewarding us with a pleasurable feeling. Normally in nature, these behaviors are sex, food and water.

The sad fact is that hard drugs, masturbation, video games, chocolates, sports (Yes, the last three shocked you. Sad but true) hijack the reward centers. Now here’s the really dangerous part. As a particular activity (e.g masturbation or drug use) occurs frequently, a phenomenom called “Habituation” occurs. This involves a decrease in the level of dopamine so to achieve the same level of excitement, an increase in the frequency of the activity that rewards begins. Let’s get practical about it, masturbating at home no longer satisfies you or rewards your system enough so you begin masturbating at the office, 1 mg of cocaine isn’t enough anymore so you start taking 5 mg, sleeping with many women/men isn’t enough so you start sleeping with them unprotected.

CONCLUSION
I personally think the topic of masturbation should be approached from a personal angle rather than a moral angle. Since there is no particular part of the bible addressing this, i believe all we have are speculations on what’s God’s standpoint on it is (please show me if any). However, one thing i know is that God has given us certain guidelines to living which he asked us to dwell on. Things of virtue, of good report, moral excellence and he also mentioned what we consider the fruits of the spirit. Islam also has it’s own virtues of charity, philantropy, honesty etc which devouts are expected to function within.

As always, i hope this piece helped someone somewhere. Masturbation isn’t something you should allow it’s associated guilt, shame, feelings of low-esteem and urge sink your dreams, aspirations, time etc. Knowledge they say is power but i say in it’s right application lies real mastery.

Get across to my office with the number below let’s have that chat if you struggle with this and need more help with kicking this habit.

Written by Obike Temple
Counselor|Brand-Sage|Entrepreneur
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel”, visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348181675758. For customers outside of Abuja and Lagos, Appointments are scheduled within 48 hours with options available for phone consultation and Skype sessions. https://templeobike.com