Why pay for a marriage counselor (for they are not free) if you can get good, sound advice. I, for one, am married. To me, the poster does "not" feel comfortable about how much money his wife is paying out for the family; for if he did, he would not need anyone's opinion to confirm something he is absolutely comfortable with.

Who would pay the marriage counselor in this case, the wife? How would he be able to open up when he knows he is receiving counseling from the funds his wife dished out--which is why they would be there in the first place (wife paying for most things in the marriage at this point and time).

Let him read all the responses, judge in himself which advice he deems valuable for himself, and follow that if it is something he wants to try. But it is definitely a husband's responsibility to provide for his family, and if a husband is not doing that or unable to do that, for one reason or the other, it should bother him. I think it's good that it bothers him, for that speaks volumes of his character.

Keeping looking for a job, and do not relent until you find one. Finding a job is a full-time job.

@igaro

I think it is a blessing that your wife is in a financial position to do those financial things for the family. Try to financially position yourself better, so you will feel better about your financial contribution as a husband. Most men are not comfortable if their wife is pulling most of the financial obligations in the family. I personally do not think a woman should carry the bulk of the financial obligations in a marriage myself--although I believe a woman should help out financially. The cost of living (in America) is high, and it usually takes both husband and wife working together to handle the expenses.

@martho

I am not trying to change the mentality of Nigerians by writing the "Realities of America", but I will write an informative piece of work; so Nigerians (or any foreigner) who come to America will not think they will have a "Fairy Tale Ending" here.  Many Nigerians may face some harsh realities when starting their life over in America.  Most college degrees from Nigeria are "not" compatible or accepted by American universities and colleges, and therefore, many Nigerians come here with their hard-earned degrees just to be told it is not accepted here--even if they have years of experience in their particular fied--they will not be hired if an American "degree" is required to get that particular job.  They, therefore, must take jobs which pay much less until they are able to go to school here and get what American job employers require.  This is a real blow to  their pride, accustomed status,  and financial situation.  Like I said, my husband has a friend who was a practicing lawyer in Lagos, and he now drives a taxi cab.  Driving a taxi cab is far better than a minimum wage job--especially if you own that cab--for you can control your daily earnings depending on the hours you work and the opportunities that come your way.  But can you imagine going from practicing law in Nigeria to flipping hamburgers in McDonald's, which pay only minimum wage.  Another friend of ours told us he had a high position in Africa, but he could only get a fast food restaurant job at Denny's when he came to America until he got his Master degree here.  It took some years for him to get his degree, for he was not eligible to receive financial aid to assist with the cost of his college courses, so he had to pay for them as he worked in a low-paying job.  It was a real financial struggle for him and his family.  My husband and I just want to bring some realities to Nigerian readers, so they will be warned of some possible adjustments they may face when they come to America.  I would rather be informed about what I may expect to find here than to come here with misconceptions and become depressed once I face American realities after I get here.  If someone wants to read what I wrote and try to position themselves beforehand by acquiring an American degree (online) before getting here, they will be in a better position than those who do not.  My information will be for those who desire to read it.

@Ekwere

I have also gone back and apologized when my tone of voice was not what it should have been. Sometimes we get caught up in what we are feeling, that we express ourselves a little to passionately. No one is perfect, but to correct what we do wrong speaks volumes of our character.

God bless and have a great day!

@Kayusa

Thanks for the reply. Writers share information, for that is what we do. I am hoping to share many things about the adjustments, positive and negative aspects of the transition that takes place when Africans come to America. Again, thanks for your reply. Have a good day!

@Ekwere

If you are a Christian, you certainly do not know how to talk to people.  You are extremely offensive in your "overbearing opinion", which calls people stupid, and accuses ALL Americans of living a nonsense life--as if there are NO Christians in America.  I am a Christian living in America, and I have many brothers and sisters in Christ as well here.  If the poster would even take into consideration what you were saying, she would have to first push through all the name callings, your negative opinions about other cultures, and your "brutish" manner of speaking.

So I guess anyone who dared voice an opinion other than yous is a completely stupid person (is that it?).  I thought there was only one final authority--the creator of heaven and earth--and I did not know he had wrapped himself up again into human flesh and came down in the form of Ekwere.  Learn how to express yourself so others will WANT to READ AND HEAR what you have to say.  No one responds to name calling in a positive way, Ekwere.

And guess what, Ekwere, I have a news bulletin for you.  Africans are not copying what they see Americans and Europeans do, for "SIN" has no boundary on the face of the earth, for "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God".  Are you actually so closed minded that you think the ONLY reason Africans sin is because they see Americans and Eurpopeans do it?  We are all born in sin.  Do you not think there is no practice of homosexuality in your entire country?  And if there is, it is only because someone watched television or read about it, and said to themself, "I think I will try what those Americans and Europeans are doing".  Get for real.  Without Christ in a person's life, ALL people, no matter what their geographical location will practice sin of all types.  The devil walketh about seeking whom HE may devour, and his job is to Kill, Steal, and Destory.  No nation, culutre, or demographics of people is free from the influences of sin without Christ in their lives.  With Christ, however, we are overcomers.

@Treetop20

Yes, I am really married to Ebiminih Zacharia Daboh, and we reside in Greensboro, North Carolina.  I am not one of those authors that choose a topic in which they have no experience just to keep a good story going.  I have a Nigerian friend who is an author, and he writes beautifully.  Once I was so moved by what he wrote that I wrote him an email to discuss the matter, and that is when he told me the situation did not happen to him personally, but he was writing from the perspective of "if it happened to him".  From the way he wrote, I thought it was real.  I must admit I was disappointed when I found out it was not.  I am writing from real life experience though, for I know no other way to write.

Ironically, my husband, and now I, want to write  an article about, "The Real Deal About America" for prospectie Nigerian travelers who desire to come to America.  Nigerians have many misconceptions about America, in which many they think they are coming to the country where milk and honey is flowing--and everything is easy.  One such misconception is that you will come to America and walk into your dream job.  There are Nigerian men who were lawyers in Lagos that are now driving taxi cabs, for their degrees and work experiences were not deemed acceptable here in America.  Many Nigerians actually take "a few steps backwards" from the status that they once enjoyed in Nigeria when they reach these great shores of America.  My husband and I want to write an awakening piece to Nigerians concerning the REAL DEAL when you come to America, so you can have some factual information prior to making your decision and coming here.  We have some Nigerian friends of ours who came here on the lottery, and are still not working after almost a year. 

Nigerians find it hard to adjust to the way of life in America (culture, exposed immorality conitnually displayed, etc.).  I won't get into it deep on here even if I am asked questions, but I, along with my husband (co-author), will write about how the American reality pales compared to Nigerian misconceptions concerning America.  I am NOT talking negatively about my beloved country, for I am an American afterall and was born and raised here, but many Nigerians, for some reason, think they are coming to a perfect place. Once we put the facts out there, you can make your decision as to whether you want to come or not.

After viewing the videos about the Worst Place to Work in the World, I called my Nigerian husband--I am African American.  According to the video, it said Lagos, Nigeria was the worst place to work in the world due to (1) Crime, (2) Infrastructure, (3) Medical Facilities, (4) Poor Housing, and (5) Sanitation.  In order to work in Lagos, one probably lives there; so they took into consideration what one has to deal with as they live there on a daily basis while going to and from work.

When I first came to Lagos in December 2006, I felt I had traveled back in time to a period as compared to the United States.  Yet, the United States is not free of its issues as well.  When I called and told my husband about the report, he was very upset, for he has lived and worked in Lagos for years.  You must realize that the report was done from people, such as myself, who are use to a different type of living and surroundings their entire life.  If we would go into, what we label our ghettos (slums) in America, tabulate our homeless count (if that is possible), our crime rate, our immorality living, on-and-on-and-on; how would we look to other countries?  We have it together in other ways, but we do not have it together as we should, or boast that we do in other ways as well.

I do not know what it is like to live in Lagos, Nigeria for any length of time; but I did experience electricity outages, in which we used a generator, and saw poor sanitation conditions, and some poor housing along the way.  The middle class American cannot perceive of what it is like to live in the above conditions--yet we have adopted and adjusted to nudity in our commericials on televisions, men marrying men and women marrying women, and all kinds of immoral acts.  Are we better that our streets are cleaner, that our housing is better, that our medical facilities are top notch, and that our infrastructure has it going on . . what about our weak areas.  I wonder if you would compare us (America) to other countries in immorality how would we stand.  Those immorality practices influences children, women, and men on a daily basis. 

Every country has strengths and weaknesses, but to be labeled the worst place to work in the entire world is a horrible label.

@ big bumper

That is where the mending and the blending comes into play.  Sometimes Nigerian men take foreign wives, knowing that they are foreign and have a culture in which they were raised all their lives, and then want them to behave as Nigerian women.  If that is the case, then marry within your own culture (and vice versa when it comes to American women marrying foreign men).  Just because my skin color is brown and my husband's skin color is brown, does not mean we understand or agree on everything.  African Americans and Africans are as different from night and day due to the way we were raised and our cultural practices--although many Africans believe African Americans have no culture at all as compared to there cultural traditions. 

It takes time, understanding, misunderstanding, compromise, and forgiveness in order for "two to become one flesh" as the bible says of a married couple.  Even if one is of the same culture, the mending, blending, compromising, disagreeing, and forgiving goes on until you both reach a point that you try to make one another happy to a point that you totally do not forget what makes you happy as an individual person.  We both need certain things to make us happy, and we must find that balance to make the marriage work.  It is not easy, but if you both love one another and want your marriage to work, you work at it through understanding and compromising (both compromising--not just one giving into the other person's culture, but both give into one another's cultures).

For instance, my husband likes me to greet him at the door (if I get home before he does), and offer assistance with anything in his hand--asking him about his day. He likes me to place his food on the table before him, and most days I cook--although he cooks sometimes. I, on the other hand, want him to say "please and thank you", which is considered polite in my culture when he asks me for things, and I want his full attention (like most women) when I am discussing an issue. Of course there are other things that we both need to make us individually happy. We are discovering what those things are and are BOTH mending, blending, and compromising to make our marriage work.

@Poster

When you found out he was still legally married, you continued in a sexual relationship with him. If the man wanted to move forward with you, or any woman, to pursue you to the point that he could make you his legal wife; he would have. The fact that he is still legally married to his wife should have opened your eyes that he wanted the best of both worlds.

Why are you asking us what to do. I think it is obvious. Men cannot use a woman who does not allow herself to be used. Now you know he was having sex with you and his legal wife at this same time. The question is, "will you continue to be with him now that YOU KNOW the real deal". If you decide to be with him anyway, whatever he takes you through is what you ALLOW him to do. There are no deceptions now, for you know the truth.

The choice is up to you, but think on this. You may become someone's wife one day. Would you want your husband to have sex with another woman on the side like you willing are doing with him. We all REAP what we sow.

I am a Christian, and therefore, believe the word of God.  According to the bible, God made man; and one day he said it was not good that MAN should be alone; so he made him a help meet (Eve).  However, the age old question has been put forth, "is a woman incomplete without a man"?  God felt the man would be lonely without his female counterpart, and he created a woman for him.  So to me the question is is a man or woman incomplete without one another (not just is a woman incomplete without a man).  In another part of the bible, Paul says it is "better to be like he was--single".

So to answer the question in the format for a man or woman, I say it depends on the needs of that individual person.  If a woman, or man, feels complete with having to have a man or woman in their life, then that works for them.  If on the other hand, a woman or man, feel they want and need a man or woman in their life, then they probably feel incomplete.

@Kayusa

Don't you realize that you can marry someone from the same culture with whom you like the same things and come to realize (after marriage) that person is "not" what you thought they were, want them to be, or need them to be.  There is a website in America called eharmony.com, in which many couples have met and married, so American woman do not only associate and communicate with foreign men, but women AND men do that within the United States as well.

While you have a right to your opinion, for we all do, your opinion of me, without knowing who I am, or maybe not even desiring to get to know me in the least, takes nothing away from my personal life and decision; nor does it add anything to it.  My husband and I are doing well (thank God), and we are learning to mend and blend our cultures through the word "compromise", which by the way is what any couple must learn to do once they actually live together.  You really get to know one another after the wedding vows are exchanged and you live together under one roof, for that is when the "real" person comes out--the good and the bad side of each of us--and believe me we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

And you know what, no matter whether you marry within your culture or not--when you actually co-habitat under the same roof is when the learning, mending, and blending begins--from the simplest things of how you like the same thing cooked (well done or not, etc.).  I do not allow negative comments from people who do not know me or my husband to move me one way or the other.  I know who I am and why I, Patricia Daboh, choose to enter into a relationship over the internet, accept that man's proposal, and he is now my husband.  I do not need YOUR approval to confirm that I did what was best for me.  If you are adverse to that type of relationship, then enter into one that makes YOU happy. 

Just remember:  Just because two people are of the same culture is no reason that marriage is guaranteed to survive and be successful; and just because two people are from different cultures and from a different country, does not mean that marriage will fail or not be successful.  Since I am married to a Nigerian man, many of our associates are Nigerian living here in America.  Some couples came here on the lottery (many in fact), and some met and married African American women once they came to America.  I have met some Nigerians that were from the same cultures, were married for some years in Nigeria, and after a few years in America, divorced.  Why did their marriage fail, it failed for various reasons probably.  So a same-culture marriage does not GUARANTEE a successful marriage. 

I wish you the best in your relationship and/or marriage, and I wish that you would not be so tunneled vision in your perception of the "recipie for happiness", for life does not turn out the way that we often think it will based on our misconceptions.  To each its own.

One more thing: Your comment, "American Women Will Not Stop to Surprise You" is condensending and offensive. How many American women do you know personally? Are you implying that American women are of less caliber, quality, and tact because we dare to be DIFFERENT from Nigerian or African woman. We are ALL different, Kayusa, and God created us uniquelly in that way. I am glad I am African American, for that is how God fashioned me, and I am glad to an American; for God decided that I would be born in America. What I learned of my African culture, I voluntarily learned it; for it was not handed down to me from my mother or father; and my schools did not require that we learn African History. I, Patricia Daboh, voluntarily choose to take a course in African History, for I wanted to know where I came from and how we came in America. I am your African sister, who to no choice of her own, was born in America through the avenue of slavery. Your comment implies, American woman are less . . . . , and I say we are not. We are just humans who have the God given right to make a choice concerning our future, and we do that. By the way, there are American men who also marry African women. Did you think that there are no African women who also follow there hearts and come to America to marry American men? People, Kayusa, have a right to decide the path they will choose. You also have a right to make your own choice, but you should not criticize others for living their own lives--you did not create anyone, and we do not have to give account to you for the path we choose to walk down.

Patricia Daboh

My husband joined me on June 19, 2008, and we are doing well. Our immigration process was 17 months, which many say is good compared to how long many others have to wait. I want to thank those who wished us well. God bless!

Happy New Year Nairaland!  Seun you  made me laugh.