₦airaland Forum

Houseofglam7:
Marriage is truly overrated

Yustash001:
Why is that when a some woman suddenly becomes richer than her husband...
She starts to develop wings..

tunmiluabi:
My story is quite long, please run through with patience. I married my wife about 11years ago. By the way I am 46years old. Before I married my wife, I was not doing well neighter was my wife. She was working with a multinational company, earning an equivalent of N40,000. I had a small graphic design design business after trying many times to find a good job. I looked for jobs and contracts without any respite. But At this this time, my wife's support was good and I did appreciate every bit of it. At lest we survived on the low...As time went on, I got a job in one the international corporate training company as a Statistics and Business Analysis Instructor, was earning about 90,000 naira. During the times before I got my job, we had accumulated debt and my new job provided us an opportunity to pay them up. We decided we was going to save part of her salary every month for service the debt and save the rest for a rainy day. I was supposed to pay the rent and all other domestic bills, light, kids school fees etc.. Some time she helped with food/groceries. After sometime, she advised we move to a bigger apartment. We still had a daughter by then. I obliged and we did. To cut the story short, after four years of working, the company folded up because of government policies and we were all laid off. This meant we had to prepare for the hard life ahead. It was hectic and devastating. Me being me, I took it with all sense of grace and hope thing s will be fine. But the more I thought about this the worse things got. One day out of curiosity I asked my if it would be nice to have another child and she advice it was not he best time. I understood and agreed. I then advice my wife if we could start a business and with some savings we had, maybe I could use it to enhance my former business , maybe things might be better this time. She did not show any interest. This time I discovered changes in my wife.

One day she asked me if could use part of them money to do a course, honestly I was shocked but asked why she did not oblige to my own request. She said "its my money I can use it for whatever I want". My wife however did the course. To cut the story short 3years down the line, my wife stopped having sex with me and this continued for a long time. I become a like "shit in her eyes" I lost a bit of confidence though. she would wake me with insults and barrage of dirty words. Because of our child, I agreed to stay a home and try to work online and seek clients and jobs from old client. It was not bad but not promising. Fortunately for us, my got a promotion and her salary was increased to about 170,000. This actually brought out the worst in my wife. Her calmness disappeared and all decorum was buried. We would quarrel everyday and not talk for weeks. She became really mean and controlled everything at home. Please note, she is not a bad woman but cant explain the reasons up till date. I was with no option but to query her sincerity as a wife and that continued for a long time. Our sex life became zero, she would tell me having sex would make her pregnant and was not ready for a second child. Her stories kept on changing and became even worse, rather than coming home she would pass by her mom and be there till late in the night before coming home.

After about 3years of trying to get something to do, I finally got a place on the island sometime in February 2018, where I would be paid a stipend of 50,000. In addition, I would use my free time to design, print and sell business cards to small companies. The overall income was small but enough for some immediate obligations at home. But to be fair, that was the best I could get since I have not had money in a long time. Unfortunately my wages were not consistent due to challenges the company was facing. But I used the Business card printing to augment wherever possible.

Later in 2018 around September, I discovered that my wife had been having an illicit engagement. She had a male fried and I finally got to know about it and confronted her. She did not deny it, she begged and I forgave her. Anyway, I had made up my made to forgive because of the kid and I never told anyone till date. Moreover, since we were not making love that was of course enough reason for the drastic measure, it told myself. To be sincere I had lost feeling for my wife and sex was difficult. We finally started having sex but I had little to offer her. I would pretend and even have to watch Indecency to be able to have sex with her. I was dead inside. At least my wife was still with me. That was my solace. I guess trust was broken. She however continued with her escapades. The quarrels increased and got worse. There and then name calling became our breakfast and dinner. She advised that since I would never look at her the same and bringing little or nothing to the table that I was free to go. The quarrels went on for quite some time, my wife will go very violent on me some of the times. I am marshal artist with black belt and I have great restraint - for me, fighting and going violent on her was never on the table. One day I thought there was a need to move out and I did indicated to her that I was not comfortable living with her anymore.. That wherever I am am I will see how I can take care of the kids.

She did not care and things became difficult for me. I felt maybe I could stay for sometime, It might be a difficult condition but still not impossible. This became my Achilles heels. There and then I knew my relationship had broken and irreparable. I accepted there was nothing I could, but to be patient and tried to convince myself about our situations and believed our situation was bad, but God’s willing we would overcome. The fight even got worse and become very violent and physical, I would normally just take the beating or hold her hands to avoid any injuries.

The quarrels was beginning to be in the glare of my Kids and since it was not abating, there was little I could do to change the situation. I finally made up my mind on the 19th of May 2019 to move out, but actually moved out on the 30th of May, 2019. Before then on the 26th of May, 2019, I discovered my wife was again engaging in the illicit affair. She would claim she was going to church only to be found at a different location. Honestly I can’t blame her, I blame myself and the situation that caused the demise of our once cherished marriage. At this point in time I realised I had lost and had no fight in me anymore. My kids are still very young. Everyday quarrels, lack of sincere engagement, denials upon denials and her fear of facing her “DEMON” with little chance of her understanding the consequence of her actions - I was left with no choice but to stop FIGHTING. I had no fight left in me. The ultimate decision was to leave. I did not inform her parent about the issue because I had indicated to her I did not want them to look at her differently.

God so good, I got a 500,000 Naira job through a friend in an oil company with a 3bedroon in Lekki fully paid up for 3years by the company. By the way, I am Data Analyst but never practiced for a long time. I studied Computer engineering but for a long time grace did not smile on me. I take care of my kid and I really don't hate her and I am at peace with everything. She still has her job and doing well.

Please note that she did not tell me to leave, I left on my own volition. I could not share the same bed with my wife anymore she apparently could not muster enough strength to stop all iniquities for a conversation that will help see things through. Rather she is turning to blame it on me. We have however resolved to part on a friendly note for the sake of our child.

My reason for posting this is because most us sit behind the desk and computers and do not understood the demons everyone is battling. On a bad day the best husbands are MONSTER, while the best wives are DEVILS. When we make judgment as males or female. We should not forget about our female child/children, same goes for the male child. I don't know what my wife tells people about what happened but I really don't care and I have made up my mind never to defend myself.

Thanks for reading.

Tunmi

tunmiluabi:
Defending yourself does not even help. The strength to write this note is my willingness to see beyond myself, there might be need for more insight. I know love is not one directional neither is it "multi-directional", it’s usually in the eye of the one looking at you. Love has no other name but LOVE. I might not be perfect but imperfection can still be unlearned by truly appreciating the situation. There is absolutely no reason to hurt anyone. I would believe that I failed to see her expectations through her lens and she failed to notice my sincere affections towards her. I might not be happy with the way things turned out but the situation has not made me any angrier. But it’s normal to be unhappy and I know that when I don’t mind being unhappy – It won’t last and eventually all will be alright and I hold same for her. Although, with all honesty, I did not see this happening, but I would like to know what our “stupidity” and “failure” has caused us. This will help if we finally move on with our lives. Given the situation, I believe I tried my best, but was not good enough. I am inspired by opportunities life has offer. I will channel my rage, drain and pain for a renewed future without my current dilemma. I am sure it will end in PRAISE. Thank you... there might not be need to tell it all. Life is like WIND it either blows in your favour or against.. Its your choice to stay strong. For those who might not understand that its not a struggle between the MAN the WOMAN, the only existential threat couples face is LIFE itself. But if you haven't been bitten in the face by a bear before, you will not appreciate how bad it is to loose ones identity. But on a happy happier note, if my heart is broken a million times, I will still love again There are good women out there. Its just a matter of time. Telling your story to defend yourself is a waste of time... At the appointed time the truth will unleash itself but not through me.

faithfull18:
Hmmn, this sounds like fiction. I don't support divorce but if adultery is involved with evidences, then separation is advised. Biblically, either partners are expected not to marry again but you know in our present world, we read and act upside down.

Vyolet:
Everytime a woman leaves a poor man or reacts badly to him, the man always end up having a well paying job and the woman always want to come back...
Op, you forgot to write the part where she is willing to come back and live with you in Lekki .

sisisioge:
Hmmm...we all love to undermine the power of money in relationships despite its glaring might. If OP had a good job, his story wouldn't have been this long and his wife wouldn't have continually make a mockery of their matrimonial vows.

Money is very important in marriages/relationships...No wonder Yoruba people always pray for husbands to never lack the requirements to be husbands. Money, sex, love and everything in between are real. It is well.

faithfull18:
Yes, yes mostly mismanagement issues.

zeb04:
your story is almost like mine.(except there was no violence).

We didn't have financial challenges but by the second year, we were practically quarreling almost every week.

My husband stopped showing affection so i resulted to getting it someplace. Every time he sees my chat with those guys, it made him so angry but well to me he wasn't showing affection or attention either so I continued.

Anyways finally, we decided to go our separate ways. I never called, blocked his mum and everyone out of my life. I was angry because I felt,if only he treated me how I wanted to be treated then ........

He was angry because why can't my wife just stop chatting with this people.

It took 6 months seperation to realise that I wanted my marriage backk. But in that time, I realized that no matter now much you date before marriage,marriage and life still bring their own problems.

Most issues in marriage will be sorted out if we react with peace and love.

Everyone has baggage, since you know of your partner's short coming, see a counselor,sort them out.

The next spouse(we day dream of and glorify in our head) still has their own issues. You wouldn't know until you marry them.

God will never do the work in our marriage. Even he brings the next person, you will still have to weed the grass,sow the seed, harvest it. (You will still have to work on that marriage).

Take this time apart and just REST, then evaluate your marriage and see if there is any Window of opportunity to make it work.

zeb04:
your story is almost like mine.(except there was no violence).

We didn't have financial challenges but by the second year, we were practically quarreling almost every week.

My husband stopped showing affection(it was just unbearable). so i resulted to getting it someplace. Every time he sees my chat with those guys, it made him so angry but well to me he wasn't showing affection or attention either so I continued.

Anyways finally, we decided to go our separate ways. I never called, blocked his family and everyone out of my life. I was angry because I felt,if only he treated me how I wanted to be treated then ........

He was angry because why can't my wife just stop chatting with this people.

It took 6 months seperation to realise that we wanted our marriage backk. But in that time, I realized that no matter now much you date before marriage,marriage and life still bring their own problems.

Most issues in marriage will be sorted out if we react with peace and love.

Everyone has baggage, since you know of your partner's short coming, see a counselor,sort them out.

The next spouse(we day dream of and glorify in our head) still has their own issues. You wouldn't know until you marry them.

God will never do the work in our marriage. Even if he brings the next person, you will still have to weed the grass,sow the seed, harvest it. (You will still have to work on that marriage).

Take this time apart and just REST, then evaluate your marriage and see if there is any Window of opportunity to make it work.

tunmiluabi:
I will update you guy as LIFE gives me more "feedbacks".

Dyt:
Classic





Are you single?
Dating?

tunmiluabi:
No

Dyt:
Which is no?
Are you ready to date too?

zeb04:
your story is almost like mine.(except there was no violence).

We didn't have financial challenges but by the second year, we were practically quarreling almost every week.

My husband stopped showing affection(it was just unbearable). so i resulted to getting it someplace. Every time he sees my chat with those guys, it made him so angry but well to me he wasn't showing affection or attention either so I continued.

Anyways finally, we decided to go our separate ways. I never called, blocked his family and everyone out of my life. I was angry because I felt,if only he treated me how I wanted to be treated then ........

He was angry because why can't my wife just stop chatting with this people.

It took 6 months seperation to realise that we wanted our marriage backk. But in that time, I realized that no matter now much you date before marriage,marriage and life still bring their own problems.

Most issues in marriage will be sorted out if we react with peace and love.

Everyone has baggage, since you know of your partner's short coming, see a counselor,sort them out.

The next spouse(we day dream of and glorify in our head) still has their own issues. You wouldn't know until you marry them.

God will never do the work in our marriage. Even if he brings the next person, you will still have to weed the grass,sow the seed, harvest it. (You will still have to work on that marriage).

Take this time apart and just REST, then evaluate your marriage and see if there is any Window of opportunity to make it work.

tunmiluabi:
Not keen at the moment...

Obingene:
Listen to yourself, if they say people who are ready for marriage should come out, you too would also come out.

Just keep dating, that's what fits you, don't try marriage at all.

Dyt:
But you need a friend
From your write up, you been through alot

It's ok
I won't persuade you
**that's if you don't have any**

Have a goodnight rest in your lekki suite sir

Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

Yes you are very correct! .. up to date can tell what happened.

I go on telling people that the first thing you need to search for in life is money.
Every other thing can come later on that.

I dont know her tale and why she decided to call for such route, but I will not judge her either.

I am so happy that you have genuinely moved on and has no grudge against her.

Lastly, I picked something from your narrative.
Please work on your finances.Start building multiple streams of income if you have not begun doing so. The oil company is not like it used to be and the money you make currently in Lekki might go with the breeze if you are not too careful.
I live in Lekki...

You must not continue the graphic design but look around you and see the needs of the masses.
Supply those needs( Business)
Graphic design for me is not too lucrative.I onced received a very good Simple Logo from an American website for 5 dollars.

All in all, i wish you well.

Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

I go on telling people that the first thing you need to search for in life is money.
Every other thing can come later on that.

I dont know her tale and why she decided to call for such route, but I will not judge her either.

I am so happy that you have genuinely moved on and has no grudge against her.

Lastly, I picked something from your narrative.
Please work on your finances.Start building multiple streams of income if you have not begun doing so. The oil company is not like it used to be and the money you make currently in Lekki might go with the breeze if you are not too careful.
I live in Lekki...

You must not continue the graphic design but look around you and see the needs of the masses.
Supply those needs( Business)
Graphic design for me is not too lucrative.I onced received a very good Simple Logo from an American website for 5 dollars.

All in all, i wish you well.

Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

Dyt:
But you need a friend
From your write up, you been through alot

It's ok
I won't persuade you
**that's if you don't have any**

Have a goodnight rest in your lekki suite sir

Prymestrr:
Haaaaa... Sister Dyt are you propositioning the man ni Nawa o...the power of money and lekki apartment
I stan

Dyt:
I am not single
Don't get it twisted

Prymestrr:
But you were convincing enough na .

Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

I go on telling people that the first thing you need to search for in life is money.
Every other thing can come later on that.

I dont know her tale and why she decided to call for such route, but I will not judge her either.

I am so happy that you have genuinely moved on and has no grudge against her.

Lastly, I picked something from your narrative.
Please work on your finances.Start building multiple streams of income if you have not begun doing so. The oil company is not like it used to be and the money you make currently in Lekki might go with the breeze if you are not too careful.
I live in Lekki...

You must not continue the graphic design but look around you and see the needs of the masses.
Supply those needs( Business)
Graphic design for me is not too lucrative.I onced received a very good Simple Logo from an American website for 5 dollars.

All in all, i wish you well.