₦airaland Forum

Would love to have 5. 3 boys and 2 girls but at the same time, whatever God blesses me with, I'll take. I would love for at least one pregnancy to result in twins or 3plets.

aminalib:
that is very true, i love being an African

Me 2!  They can't even get over the fact that i speak flawless English and they keep asking "how come u speak so good" and i keep telling them "because my country is English speaking, the official language is English, we are taught in English and so, we have no choice but to speak English and speak it good when we feel like it. 

aminalib:
why do your coworkers talk about you

Because I've moved up the ladder in the 3 years I've been with the company and they've remained where they are partly because they do not have the same work ethics that I have. Africans have to struggle twice as much as the white man to make it so when we are given the opportunity to prove ourselves, we put our all in doing a good job and if you have a good boss or work for a non-discriminatory company, u will be rewarded.

What I like:
1. My boss is understanding
2. My boss is flexible with my hours, I can switch whenever I want to as long as I do 8 hours /day
3. I get to keep all my doctor's appointments and my boss lets me make up whatever extra hours i took.
4. I get an envious health benefit package which includes, dental and vision, 409K and a also a yearly bonus.
5. I get employee discounts from outside vendors on cars, cell phones, electronics etc
6. I have no fear of car being broken into while it's parked in the lot.
7. I have my own direct phone and fax line and a company issued cell phone
8. I have a breath-taking view from my window (i'm the only one with a window  
9. I'm allowed to listen to my radio or play my CDs on my puter.
10. I can go to Nairaland forum anytime i feel like it.  

The bad:
1. I have some really annoying co-workers  
2. I can't bit*ch slap some of the "amebo's" working in my dept that talk about me  
3. I have to put up with stupid questions about Africa being a "country" andother stupid questions about Africa based on the Tarzan movie.  
4. I need more vacation days. i currently have 3 weeks/year and it isn't enough to travel to Naija and have a blast.  

What I like:
1. My boss is understanding
2. My boss is flexible with my hours, I can switch whenever I want to as long as I do 8 hours /day
3. I get to keep all my doctor's appointments and my boss lets me make up whatever extra hours i took.
4. I get an envious health benefit package which includes, dental and vision, 409K and a also a yearly bonus.
5. I get employee discounts from outside vendors on cars, cell phones, electronics etc
6. I have no fear of car being broken into while it's parked in the lot.
7. I have my own direct phone and fax line and a company issued cell phone
8. I have a breath-taking view from my window (i'm the only one with a window 
9. I'm allowed to listen to my radio or play my CDs on my puter.
10. I can go to Nairaland forum anytime i feel like it. 

The bad:
1. I have some really annoying co-workers 
2. I can't bit*ch slap some of the "amebo's" working in my dept that talk about me 
3. I have to put up with stupid questions about Africa being a "country" andother stupid questions about Africa based on the Tarzan movie. 
4. I need more vacation days. i currently have 3 weeks/year and it isn't enough to travel to Naija and have a blast. 

TOXTOX:
No! It wont fly coz we have some more important things bugging our minds in Nigeria than kissing.

abi oh!

"And since when did getting pregnant and carrying it for 9 months become a disability that requires women to be issued an Emmy or Grammy award for"

@ Gestapo, do you have kids? She did not just get pregnant.She struggled for years to have those babies. Not only does she deserve an Emmy and Grammy, she desrves the Noble Peace Prize for standing up for what is right and putting her foot down when it comes to issues that could affect the lives of her kids. Any mother would do the same.

@ Dayo, karma is a BIATCH! that's all i have to say to you.

To the rest of you, here are the answers to ur questions.

Husband and wife never discussed how and where their kids will be raise. i do not know of many African men and women that actually do this. my husband is American and we did talk about how we would raise our kids if we were blessed with them. Our plan was that my mom would come and stay with us for at least 6moths to a year after the baby is born, and then when the child reaches school year and is able to know right from wrong, he/she will spend all holidays except Thanksgiving with my mom. my mom died 2 years ago so that plan has been scrapped but my kid will know his/her heritage.

Yes, since she got out of jail, my friend has been over to her house to pick up a few items. She says she's still not comfortable enough to stay under  the same roof with him. She hasn't taken out a restraining order yet. Social services are aware of what caused the fight so we'll see what they say when their report is final
I am threading carefully and know my bounds. As much as i hate what is going on and how it is affecting the kids and my friend, i still fully intend to support her 100% in any decision she make.

I am safe and i do not think her husband will harm me in any way (at least i hope not). This case has stressed me beyond limits and right now, i'm more concerned about the children. Mom and dad can sort their problems out later but those kids are suffering while this mess is brewing.

ifyalways:
Old boooy
How did it get to this point?
Now,i hope grannie flies from 9ja and come have the twins by force?
Simple matter wey dialogue,understanding and compromise for solve.
Something gud might still come of the this,they might reach a peaceful agreement whilist at jail.lol
@Op,does grannie have any idea of the latest update?

Granny does not know oh! no be me go tell am! the couple are both out. She is in my home and he is at their home but the kids are still with me because DYFS says they haven't completed their investigation. I was asked if i want to continue caring for them until the investigation is over and if i can't they wld have to be placed in foster care. Of course i said yes. All this rubbish could have been averted if her husband had bothered to consider his wife's feelings in his terrible decision to send 5 year olds back to the village, not even town but village. I'm sorry, and i know most men will dis-agree here, but why are MOST (not all) of our  Nigerian men so stubborn? what makes them think that ALL decisions must come from them and whatever decision they make FINAL!; no questions asked; and if you dare to challenge them they decide to beat you so u remember your place and remember that they are the HEAD of the household? I just don't get it.
I would think that after living here for years, this man would have picked up a little change in culture and know that women have a say in almost everything now especially in their homes. Yes, he went back to Nigeria and got a wife but she was an educated wife not a village one. She is a graduate of UNIBEN majoring in Community Health. She is quiet, submissive to an extent and a good wife and fantastic mother. Why can't he listen to her? When they argue, he threatens her with "i will send you back to the village where u came from". Before she got pregnant, it was always one threat after another, "what kind of life did u live in school" i will marry another wife, i need children, my momther needs to see my children" and it just goes on and on. The day she told me these stories, i was boiling mad.
For all those supporting him, since they both got out of jail this morning (he bonded himself out of jail) he has not come to see his kids or asked me how they are. His wife is now at my house and really considering taking out a restraining order against him. Lets see how he will ship them off to Nigeria now!

Hi everybody.

It's 4.05 pm Thursday and I just want to give you an update. Last night, aapparently the screaming and fighting between my friend and her husband reached another level. this morning the fighting got more physical and he beat her, she hit him back but of course he beat her up more. She called me to come over and the cops were already there thanks to the neighbors who reported a domestic dispute going on.
She pressed charges on him and he also pressed charges on her showing the police marks and scratchings on his face, neck and chest. She claimed self defense but they still hauled both of them to jail.
i have the twins staying with me for now. My friend and her husband are both going before a judge on Friday. that's all i know for now

ifyalways:
Ikpe nke a kariri umunna itinye onu. 

no be small thing oh my sister 

ifyalways:
OK.
Well,as it stands now,the decision rests on your friends shoulders.BTWN,did the husband suggest your friend ie wife goes home too to stay with the kids for those years or he wants her to stay with him in london,make more babies and ship them off to grannie?
The west might be bad and unsafe but i still maintain thats lazy parents that wud ship away their children cos they feel their environment is not safe for bringing up kids.
@OP,your friend wud either hold on to her kids,stop them from going home and lose her husband OR decide to leave everything,go back and stay with the kids plus grannie for those 5  years. . .Unless ofcourse the hubby changes his mind.
Assuming shes not having any prior problem with the MIL,i wud think it wud be better for her to go with the kids,stay for some mnths and stage her comeback with her children .

Ifyalways, his plans are just to send the kids back home while him and his wife remains her in the US. they are both working and i guess he doesn't want to be the only one making money here. He did threaten to forcefully send her back to the village with the kids if she didn't stop badgering him about his plan.

I just want to correct a few misconceptions I've read here so far.

1. The children do not have passports, for those of you suggesting my friend take the passports and hide
2. According to my friend, her passport and greencard have always been in her husband's hand. he claimed to have put it in a safety deposit box at their bank.
3. It took her years to get pregnant and 5 years after she is still unable to conceive on her own. The twins were conceived via IVF. So technically, those babies are her life.
4. her MIL (mother in law) is a controlling bossy woman. I met her once when i visited home and had to take gifts to her on behalf of my friend. she never appreciated any of the gifts. she said (in igbo language of course) "what am i going to do with all this things, he should send me money instead of sending me things i can't use" .
It was one complaint after the other and i sure was glad to leave when i did.
5. They were going to rent a place for his mom in  Awka or Onitsha so she would leave the village but she wouldn't hear of it. She said she was born in the village and she will die there.

I agree with prttygrr, i think it's time for my friend to consult with an immigration attorney and at least know her rights. December is around the corner.

As of this morning there has been no consensus reached by the couple. I sat with him for over 3 hours after i got off of work and pleaded with him to no avail. He is even more adamant that he wants his kids raised in Nigeria. He believes that 5 years old is the right age to start instilling respect and discipline into a child. Apparently, from what I've gathered so far, he has seen many instances where young African kids born and raised in the US talk back to their parents and the parents can't do anything for fear of being locked up by the police. Their next door neighbor is from Ghana and their 10 year old daughter reported her mom to her teacher because her mom spanked her for cutting up a pair of brand new sneakers she suffered to buy because her peers had a different style or something to that effect. The teacher called the police and DYFS. Mom was arrested, child was removed from home pending investigation.

This is one of the many many reasons why my friend's husband is determined to send his twins home. I told him i agree that children need discipline at an early age but that 5 years was just too damn early. I was told when i have mine i can do whatever the heck i wanted. So i backed off.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I believe I've tried my best.

In the 10 years i've spent in this country, i've run across die hard traditionalists who say they are only in the US to make money. They've sent all their kids back home to study and stay (not in the village but in their respective towns). Some have even given tribal marks to their kids.
My friend's husband so believes in his tradition and is buried deep in it. His mom has always been present in his life and almost all decisions he makes even approving of his wife before he married her.
I do not see this saga ending properly and i honestly believe that he might just end up sending his wife and kids back home. Maybe that's his plan all along. He knows she won't let them go and he expects her to say she'll go with them thus giving him chance to do what he really wants!
The truth will come out sooner or later.

[/quote][quote author=dayokanu link=topic=529710.msg6927581#msg6927581 date=1286900768]And the constructive thing you have to say to your friend is for her to divorce, So the children can be given to her by law.
I assume you have your own husband and family but want your friend to be divorced. Good Friends

Dayokanu, yes i have a husband and NO I do not have a family, yet. My husband is an American and NK and I first met on a forum where we were both seeking answers as to why we are unable to concieve. God blessed her with twins and ever since then we are closer than sisters. Yes, i sugested divorce because she said she was going to leave him and move to another state with the kids by end of November and i figured well, rather than run away, why not just get a divorce and let the courts force him not to leave the country with the children.
you can say whatever you want to say. I'm done responding to u. I just hope and pray that someday in the future, no female member in your family will go through something similar like this because they will not be able to count on you for support!

dayokanu:
Parents who send their kids to boarding school must really hate the children?

Do you even hear yourself? how can you compare boarding school with this? do you send your kids to boarding school at age 5? Haba! you really have nothing constructive to say abi? I can understand if you are making small sense but you are way off.

If a man acts like a jackass towards his wife, yes i will have a problem with him. Because he brought her to the US does not give him the right to dictate everything about her life and threaten her with "I will deal with you and send you back to Nigeria if you don't shut up" or give him the right to lay a finger on her when they are arguing. FYI, any man that threatens and beats a woman or tries to deprive a woman of her happiness is nothing but a coward. What would you do if your daughter or sister came to you complaining and crying hysterically that her husband is about to take her kids away just because his mother commanded him to?

I was born in Kano and will never forget when i was 6, my sister 8 and my brother 10 how my father's mom made him send us back to our village in Anambra so she can teach us "home training" regardless of my mom saying she didn't want us to go.  Even though it was only for 1 year, it was the worst time of my life.


[color=Black]And why do you think those kids dont mean the world to the man too? Or did she get the semen from a spermbank?
[quote][/quote][/color]
if the kids meant zilch to him, he wouldn't be doing this.

hauler:
Wetin concern all of una inside including the poster

If your best friend is in a dilemma and came to you for help, what would you do? If you have nothing better to say please just take a hike! We met on a forum for mothers trying to concieve and we became instant friends. we struggled like hell to achieve just ONE pregancy and when she took in after her proceedure, I was there by her side from start to finish and to just sit back and watch this man she calls husband try to take away the reason for her sanity is something i won't sit back and watch happen. Those kids might well be the only she'll ever have. I'm not a fair weather friend and i hope if i ever find myself in a situation like this, my friends will stand by me.

I take it the divorce idea was not a good one. No problem, i'll take it off the table but honestly, i think she's better off without him. like some of you have noted, u do not know the whole story but there is more to his actions than meets the eye.

To all N/Landers that responded, goodmorning and thank you for all your input and ideas. I printed out all the responses i could on this topic and showed my friend so she will see that there are people out there that support her in not sending those babies back home just yet!

As of 10pm last night, her husband was still set in his decision and had started becoming erratic. A few of our mutual igbo friends whom we consider elders came and tried to discourage him but this man just wouldn't listen so everybody had to call it a night. This morning my friend calls me and said all night long she was pleading with him and even threatned to harm herself if he carries out this act. He didn't care.
This is what i want to suggest to her and I need y'all to tell me if it is a good idea. She should file for divorce. in this country when there's a divorce and kids are involved, neither spouse can take a child away without the consent of the other spouse. She might be given primary custody if she can prove that he is unfit and i think by adamantly wanting to subject these babies to untold hardship at an early age, he can be called unfit!

I also totally agree with that theory that he is just trying to run away from childcare fees, baby sitting fees etc.

@ Chaircover, actually, when I was brought into this drama,  i suggested to the husband that maybe the kids should only spend holidays with their grandparents, but only when they are a little bit bigger; @ 5 they are still babies!  and are susceptible to diseases and all what not! Those kids have lived their lives with electricty, proper healthcare, dental care, etc. They will not survive malaria or any other childhood disease we that were born and bred in Naija suffered from!
He wouldn't hear of it, saying his mother wants to spend quality time with the kids before she dies since she doesn't get to see them like normal grandparents too 
One thing i know is if DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) gets involved, this case will get even bigger.

@Ify, grannie no wan come oh! she is one of thee die hard village women who would rather use herbs than go see a doctor, and that's whom my friends husband wants his only children to go and live with for 5 years. MalriHe is a real mama's boy being an only son and will do ANYTHING she tells hime.

As a friend, i can't really involve myself too deep in this matter. I can only support my friend in whatever decision she makes. I don't want people saying i caused more problems by trying to help. A few of the Igbo men in our town here in NJ know of this wahala and are talking to the husband, maybe they will get him to see reason.

chaircover:
If they are British citizens, then call in social services to get them put on the at risk register or something period.

If your husband and grandmother didn't want any of the white mans culture to rub off on the kids, then they should have given birth to and kept the kids in their village from the onset rather than parting the kids from their mother.

Good behavior mostly depends on the upbringing & how much time parents are prepared to invest in their kids and you can bring a child up in the slums of Nigeria or even in the white house and he/she can still turn out bad.

Send those kids to Nigeria or anywhere else for that matter and in 5 years time your friend will be getting back twin strangers. Its as simple as that.

The kids are American Citizens being that they were born here. the parents are Green Card holders. I had suggested getting our local DYFS involved but she doesn't want State involvement for fear they might decided that the children were in danger or with unfit parents and take them away to place in a foster home. i don't blame her for thinking like that because in the State of New Jersey, DYFS is known to have no mercy and will remove children for the most flimsy reason.
She is threatning to leave him if he keeps pushing this. They are planning on going home for Christmas and thats when he wants the twins to remain.

He has a wicked sense of humor (like me)
He is hardworking
He has an open mind about everything
, oh and did i mention that he has a wicked wicked sense of humor?  He makes me laugh non stop.  We find humor in almost everything around us.  Been married 8 years and nothing has changed.   

Would you let your husband and his family force you to send your 5 year old back to your village in Naija to "learn respect and be brought up with a "strong pride" in Nigeria" ? (this is their reasoning for doing this).

My friend is in this dilemma and she is fighting tooth and nail to stop this. She is Nigerian and her husband is too. She has 5 year old twins whom i think are so well behaved for kids their age. These are her only children and the thought of them being away from her for 5 years is driving her crazy (grandmama wants to keep them till they turn 10). She can't go with them because of her job. What can she do?

there's a $25,000 reward on his head! I wouldn't care if he was my friend or family, if i saw his thieving self, i'd turn him in a heartbeat.
oloshi buruku!
Isn't it bad enough that nigerians around the world are looked upon as scammers and thieves and now this small boy has gone and taken it up a notch! what did he do with all that money at his age?

Tosinville:
Pslm23,

Hahahaha! you just sounds like the greatest FOOL on this thread thats why good christians should always make use of his bible cos its already written in the bible that "its not all who call my name(God) that is going to see the kingdom of the lord" so why should you believe all what Bishop eddie or any other pastors preach to you without apply your opinion to it just to different GOOD from BAD? Your instint should have let you know not all that goes to church on sunday believe in bible cos many only goes to church for the fun on it just because they find their friends going. Man, u just sounds like a dead man walking on earth and u are d most dumb folk on this thread.

@ Tosinville, and what the "f" do u think u sound like u ignorant piece of dog poop? You are sitting behind ur freaking computer spewing hate and talking a bunch of crap ur illiterate self knows zilch about. Lissen u waste of sperm and egg, don't u dare preach to me about what the Bible says or doesn't say. It's dummies like you who make the loudest voice that probably take it up the as* so just do me a big favor and STFU if u can't make sense. Useless fuctard!! trying to sound and speak all "oyibo" and rather ur words are that of a village illitrate/area boy who is still hiding in the closet but is secretly doing his "down-low" acts. "Ewu gambia" like you! Just so you know, if you want to start name calling and exchange of words with me over something that shouldn't bother u, then i'm game! Your profile picture looks gay to me and maybe that's why u r hyperventilating over this topic. Tell the truth, ARE YOU GAY??

One of the problems we have in Africa is the way we become judge and jury over other people's bsuiness. Frankly speaking, this is the 21st century, gay and lesbianism has hit our world and everyday more and more people are coming out the closet. We have absolute no right to judge them for their choices or who they are.
Those of you using religion to thump this issue, i guess you've heard about this great man of god who was preaching anti-homosexuality and is now standing accused of sexually abusing 4 men, Bishop Eddie Long. What about Monsignor Wallace Harris? i can go on and on.
We all have to learn to be tolerant of other people's way of life. You never know what sexual orientation your kids, family members and friends really are so don't be so quick to condemn.

If anybody bashes me for what i've just written, I feel sorry for you because you will be the next Eddie Long. caught with your pants down committing the very act you vehemently speak against.

Arlington:
Pslm23,
Sorry that AF shower up. Sometimes it is not the moderators, it just takes your posts as spam and deletes it , It happens to me a lot.
You where on Clomid for 8 days, why?Normally i know 5 days only, 8 days seems excessive maybe your doctor is using a diffrent method?You just have to keep on petting your DH i know it seeems like work and can be frustrating but for now he should just go with the flow.
I say there was a time my doctor saw my body more than my husband it was ridiculous ,thank God the doctor had a nurse with him always if not i am sure my DH would have started suspecting me . Amen to all your prayers God will surly answer all our prayers.

@ Arlington, don't mind that useless AF, showing up when you don't want it to. Yes my doc put me on clomid for 8 days. she told me why but i can't really remember why only that it had something to do with ovulation. this month i'm ovualting earlier than I usually do so i guess that's what the 8 days of clomid is doing to me body

Ejadamen:
Like where is pslm23?

My dear sister, i'm here still trying to do what it right. I had posted a few weeks ago that unfortunately all those symptoms i had turned out to be nothing becos AF showed up. For some reason the moderator took it off of the TTC forum but if you do a search for all the posts i've done on nairaland, you'll find it. Anyway, na dem sabi. I didn't say nothing wrong.
Today is CD 12 for me and I just finished my round of clomid (I was on it for 8 days) and I'm using pre-seed too. My doctor also put me on pre-natal vitamins. She said it's always a good idea to start taking them before pregnancy so your uterus will start becoming ready and friendly to the fetus that will grow there. I used my saliva testing OPK  and i see a lot of ferning which means I'm getting ready to ovulate. My doc says to baby dance everyday for the next 4 days.
My husband hates the way these things are being planned. He says he feels like a robot. I understand where he's coming from but i hope he see the bigger picture and know that for now, this is how it will be until a pregnancy is achieved. I would have loved to just lay down like other women and boom! get pregnant at the snap of a finger, but it isn't working out like that. Right now, every intercourse for me is for the purpose of getting pregnant.
Baby dust to all of us and may the month of October bring our much expected BFPs.

I need to make Egusi Soup and pounded yam for guests i'm having over the weekend but wld like for it to taste just like it would if i were back home. I'm going to the African store here tomorrow, what can i get and how do i make the soup.
mind you, the ingredients I'm buying is all imported and there is no fresh nigerian ingredients in this yeye country.
Tell me what to look for in the store and buy and then give me directions please!

went to the movies Friday night and then hiking/bike riding Saturday

I'll start.
Yesterday my neighbor's 5 year old son was rushed to the hosiptal during the night. I had about 4 hours of sleep left before I had to get up for work when she came knocking and begging me to babysit her 5 month old while she rushes to the ER to be with her son. I stayed up with the baby until his mom came home. Of course I arrived late to the office and was sleepy most of the time but I'm glad I did what i did and it sure did feel good helping another person out!

Ejadamen:
Hi all, it's like I went into a daze where there was just nausea and fatigue and it was so hard to read anything but I feel better today. Pimples everywhere! Face,chest,hips,too tired to care.

Welcome ACL and pslm23. In fact congrats in advance pslm23


Arlington! How far?

On CD 29 AF showed up. I'm disappointed but I'm not giving up. I'm on clomid 50mg which i'll be taking for 8 days. After that, a few days of bd'ing and then a post coital test to see what is going on in there. and then we wait and see if this clomd cycle will make my wishes come true.

justwise:
You are a Nigerian and if you completing the American passport application then u are an American.= Dual CItizenship.

@ Justwise, so i guess the answer is that i should state i'm a Nigerian? Thank you for the quick response