₦airaland Forum

9: 00 am.

I've taken care of my wet clothing and personal hygiene . Dressed in a long sleeved turtle necked sweater, I make my way out of the hostel to the main lecture halls. I'm hungry , but screw that, there business to be done. A little nobody in a throng of students, I stroll nimbly to the east wing where he is waiting. A tall , slim, dark handsome dude dressed in black , his body language screaming confidence and ego while he deceptively bends his lanky frame and points his gaze downward to suggest humility. This could also be because he is trying to be inconspicuous , a shadowed figure. His face which looks indifferent however transforms into some sort of sneering delight as he sets his eyes upon me. Oh well. Can't say I'm not pretty but my petite lank frame is the type that gets the guys thinking of bed and flirting, the typical hit and run deceit, sadly enough, but let's get to the point.

" How are you ? " He attempts not to smirk at me and be friendly. Well, he better be. Because his food for a week and pay depends on me. " Good morning " . My voice comes out girlish and low, and I despair in my heart. If I keep having this timidity issue , my fellow Nigerians will always swindle the shit out of me. My head is still down. Look bold , you idiot. How can you be taken seriously if you're so scared ! . I tell myself with some cruelty. " Erm , I got the money. It's only 5000 I was able to get, sorry. " I try to look into his eyes , to look bold. The mystery guy crosses one leg over the other and I glimpse at his shiny black shoes, whilst he pretends to consider the situation. He looks at me squarely in the eyes, unflinching, rather coldly. " Hmmmm. You know I requested for 10 000. Jerry needs to pay his rent today and he was planning on adding that money to it. I really have to beg him now. " He pauses for extra theatric effect, and then attempts to switch his real indifferent expression for a fake caring one. Squeezes his lips like he just tasted agbo. " Well I'll arrange everything and beg him. Don't worry I will make everything alright. Is it not me ..." We shake hands and mystery guy walks away like a long giant. I twist my hands with each other in anxiety. Cold hands, I hate cold hands. This is the first time I'm doing this. Hope they won't try to screw me over.

So I've stepped out of bed and my roommates are all surrounding me with big grins on their faces. I pull on my amused mask face. I've become used to that, that pretence. A girl's gotta survive. I've gotten tired of being singled out all the time. I push my phone deep under the pillow. " Hmm won't you leave that phone? " Beatrice clucks and observes me with a mix of pity and disgust . " You better tell your parents to change your name from Jinx because they have jinxed you with so many things I don't know. Your village people have jinxed you with that phone . " Airily dismissed by Ngozi's sister , still the only one lying on her bed. " This girl won't graduate until after two years, i tell you. I've never seen you read a school book, Jinx . Always novels and your phone. What's your talent , nothing." She settles down more comfortably in her bed. Satisfied with her speech. I say nothing. That is and has always been the rule for me to have friends. Say nothing always, always let them have the say, smile and be grateful that they are even talking to you. You would think they didn't know the psychological issue that I was having because of the abortion of the first ever pregnancy for the boyfriend but they actually did. And they had mocked me all through my depression this semester.

" Stop it, it's ok now " Beatrice, the secret spiller, drawled , but the hypocritical attempt at keeping up the ceremonial atmosphere was not too subtle as she looked secretly pleased at the usual swipe at me by Charlotte, Ngozi's sister. I tried to look even more undisturbed at the bashing, and more excited at the ritualistic dousing with water that was about to begin. " Birthday Girl !! " Someone tipped a bit of cold water down my back and I squealed in the signature girly manner that is common in girls and dashed out. My pretend smile now generated into a good attempt at fake laughter as the girls attacked with bowls of cold icy water and slammed them on me with force , having fun as I tactfully led them to the general bathroom where the water would be less damaging . I tried to be normal and enjoy the socializing but I couldn't help but see the scorn and sneers I had been accustomed to all semester, behind the smiles.

"Happy Birthday to you , Happy Birthday to you...... " the chants drift eerily in my subconscious thoughts. The cold and unfeeling grip of the handcuffs like the touch of an infuriated ghost murdered unjustly but seeking vengeance leads me to shudder in shock and disbelief. I can feel their eyes on me, all the students caught up in this scene with me , and the shame that is the effect of these powerful stares do all but knock me to the ground. A deranged sense of humour distracts me for a second and a confusing smile distorts my deceitfully emotionless face. It's like a party , a birthday party without cakes and smiles, a cursed birthday surprise just for me .

********************************************************


Flashback . It's morning and its freezing everywhere but the girls in the hostel don't mind. I've always wondered what sort of creatures they are, washing and cooking every minute, going to friends rooms to gist if free. No time for art, no time for creative reading, no idea or curiosity concerning a different way of life other than domesticity. The graceful bodies walk past my room window, some naked, most scantily clad , some in towels , carrying food, plates or buckets for bathing. I'm lying on my bed huddled in my blanket . I check my phone. 7: 30 am. Another cold and drab day where everyone is going to smile as if everything is peachy when it is indeed not. What's so sweet about a cold , damp, dark day where every step freezes your toes and ices up your body ? Typical birthday weather.

I swipe through my phone apps. WhatsApp.......WhatsApp....... WhatsApp....... Where are you.... I immediately focus on my dear boyfriends contact......nothing. He forgot my birthday again. And as usual, while I plan to get him a gift for his birthday I guess he will gift me with nothing , and think I am dumb enough to believe he will actually take me somewhere this year. He doesn't care but atleast he's the only one who will claim me. My friends say I have low self esteem, but what the heck ? This relationship is a joke. He treats me as if I do not exsist.

" She's on her phone again o, early in the morning . Jinx, this phone will not kill you . " A cheery face pops up beside my bunk bed, defying all evidences of the drab weather. It's Simi, my room mate. She's an agile enough girl , like all my roommates, always jumping about cleaning things and washing up and down like hyperactive kids overfed with sugar. Luckily for me, these sets of roommates have accepted me with all my introverted tendencies, with a slight attempt at mentioning me in conversations even when I don't try. Yes they say nasty things to me , they made my life in the room so much hell this semester that I temporarily fled the room as they took advantage of my docility, but it's better than roommates that keep you at a distance and call you a witch because you're not extroverted, isn't it ?

" Hmmm she'll never leave that phone " Ngozi, another roommate comments with disgust in her tone, while carrying some ingredients out of the room for cooking, her hands full. She kicks the door open with transferred aggression and bolts out with a hateful expression on her face. I wonder what I did to deserve such holy anger. Maybe they love me too much. The other roommates are warming up to the conversation. " Better stop being addicted to that phone " another roommate called Beatrice yells across from her own corner. She's a know it all, leader of the Christian cause, boaster of her famous virginity and morals ............all while gossiping and verbally bullying me with the others. I told her my secrets some months ago, believing she was some sort of angel. Next thing I knew my roommates were insulting me with them for the rest of the semester while she unashamedly joined in. I heard someone went to the boys hostel and mentioned that someone in our room had done so and so. Even gave the exact room number. Well what ro you expect me to do but socialize with them despite all this. I'm the friendless one so I'm meant to accept whatever comes to me with no qualms or choices. If not I'm abnormal.

Simi smiles broadly and wickedly across her attractive , smooth , lovely face. Obviously with the intent of mischief and play. Maybe they're trying to make things up to me. Yesterday she and her sister gifted me with a chocolate cake made themselves. I guess that wipes up all the bad memories. Remind me to give someone a chocolate cake next time I make them angry. " Come down birthday girl , we need to celebrate with you ". Yeah they know my birthday date. I told them, in the spirit of friendship. Anything not to be branded an abnormal witch in this paranoid country Nigeria. " Don't disturb her now, it's cold " Ngozi's sister adds , with a giggle in her throat. I know the ritual. They are going to douse me in water and I am not going to love it this cold morning. These are the rituals of university students but what the heck you've gotta go along with it. I've never been the laughing, giggling screaming type but I'll have to try. I step gingerly out of bed and the cold laps up my big toe.

ameri9ja:
Real roach warrior

Lol....

naetocm:
Awesome story..I love the creativity used in writing it.. outside the box thinking.. kudos!!

Thanks

So this super creepy spy flew at me apparently unprovoked ( I told you they're the aggressors ) and I would have gone through an unthinkably terrible tragedy, had the secret device called a Ceiling Fan, ( Code 91196 ) not saved me. It hit the terrible villain in the middle of her many legged torso, and swiped her clean to the wall..... with a satisfying SPLAT!! . Oooh she kissed the wall with her terrible insect mouth, and the crowd went wild. Happy happy.

That was not the end though. My enemy was alive yet. I heard her among the clothes, I heard her wings rustle against cartons, gearing for a round two of revenge, a war I did not start. She was cringe thirsty, she probably wanted to wriggle inside my clothes and make me cringe with horror and disgust and leave me with a tragedy trauma that would last a week! Brothers and sisters, a week! I could not allow this barbarian to win, eh, not after all the cockroach smashing skills I learnt from the leader, MOM.

After unbearable minutes of hearing her track me down, while cunningly hiding out of sight ( you know these guys never give up unless they die ) , I armed my poor soldier self with the only thing I could find at an ungodly three o clock hour.........a Dustpan. Thus I sat, poor me , the only human being awake, on her bed, with a dustpan in hand, and a trusty torch switched on to the highest glow and Lieutenant Little Brother sleeping by my side, blissfully unaware of the ongoing war.

The fan made me shiver, the birds of the night cackled outside my war window, but never did I falter. Comrade warriors and soldiers, I knew if I was to sleep like a worthy , brave soldier, I had to kill the bitch. Yeah I called her a bitch. Any sore losers, both cockroaches and cockroach supporters, can come and beat me, I'm in Abuja.

Finally. I waited quietly , with the lightness of the air, and I heard her. And I saw her. Unbelievable ! The enemy was trying to escape. Yes! Into an adjoined toilet ! Can you imagine ? Now that was not fair after roiling me up and I said to myself , ' Come back you coward, we must finish this battle ' . And with a mighty blow , I raised my arms and came down with full force on the roach using a.......dustpan? No no in the excitement, I had discarded that and found a fine Ak 27 broom ! Yea......so I planked down the villain, and she struggled a bit but was dead within minutes and there you have it, my victory , comrades.

So here I am, a lonely winner. The advantage is that, though I may not receive any hero stars from Lieutenant Little Brother as he was asleep the whole time, I will sleep blissfully now, with no traumatic memories of nasty insects crawling down my face. And now I say to you all, well........Good morning.


* WATCH OUT FOR THE ROACHES*

THE END.

The story of this survivor continues.......

So here I lay, in my sweaty, camouflaged bed of war , quite gleeful, an extremely happy victor. My trusty torch remains on, loyally bright enough to catch any more of the many legged monsters with spikes on their feet, those terrorists that cunningly wait until you've covered your home territory and you think you're safe, then they enter a secret hole and walk all over your face and you feel those horribly soft, alien like , wobbly legs all over you while you freak the hell out. Roaches !!!


Cockroaches, House Terrorists, whatever name you may know them by, I am a survivor of a roach war , and I tell you, these bastards are the bad guys, the aggressors . No don't tell me they're little or large brown angels , poor little victims looking for food while I'm the bad guy. No effing way, if you've survived a cockroach attack, sorry, roach war, you would know that these guys took it over from Osama Bin Cockroach himself. That guy is their leader, and I heard he was the one that introduced wings into the game . WINGS !!! This rebel .......I heard when he did that , the humans took to their heels in horror, they fled with the stomach churning phrase - " It can fly ! It can fly !!" Confusion and chaos every where and Commander roach was well pleased. However we have heard that after three weeks of terrorising the house , with the smaller humans vehemently refusing to bathe in the bathroom which was Commander Osama Roach's quarters.........a brave civilian known as Mummy, courageously stepped into the colonized bathroom, with a brave phrase like " I must kill you today " , she locked the door and slapping sounds of war with one army slipper was heard, and alas, she came out with Commander Roach flat as a board, laying dead on a dustpan, an example to all other terrorist roaches. She was immediately dubbed a hero with imaginary stars bestowed upon her by the citizens called Children, whom Osama Roach had tortured the living fear out of with his flying skills. Happy story right ?


Well, back to MY happy story. My story of victory over a terrorist roach that showed him or herself ( never knew how to ascertain the gender of these bullies ) . So I was awake around three because Lieutenant Little Brother had left the vcd player on, and it had restarted his movie at an ear wracking level . Therefore to get back to sleep I got up and put it off. Lo and behold I was about to close my eyes when I spotted a brown and fairly large intruder, with long antennas, strolling across the wall. Now I am not against migrants in my room, they must cross borders to make it to their own America , mind you, but being that the roaches had fought wars with us before , I was slightly uncomfortable.


Now this lovely madame ( I think I'll name it a girl now ) , she strolled across the wall sweetly in her little petticoat and for a moment I relaxed, and thought, we can stop being ' insectist ' , why maybe I could even consider her ' a sweet little roach that's kinda cute '. Right bro. So she walked up and down but she kept coming back and I thought she must be forgetting her vegetables to be coming back every time. And then , THEN, that's when I turned around and mistress spy bond 007 attempted to attack me from behind. She flew.......Oh my God, yes, she flew. And I was like Aaaaaarghhhh, how horrible ( you know right ) .