₦airaland Forum

CEEGNetworks:
please no insults. just drop your advice peacefully.

i have not had sex for almost 30 years and counting

no cliches nor hommies.
still dependent (very painfull).
i have never hosted events,
already have 1st and 2nd degrees from naija universities. yet no skills. it is as if i have not aquired any knowledge/empty.
even secondary school and primary school did not consider me for employment.
the more love and genuine interest i show for people the less i get.
so far it has been very uninteresting.
at times because of too much thinking, i lose ability to sleep for like 3 days straight.
i used to think of how i will survive if the people sponsoring or catering for me stops or are unable to.
i wonder what i will become.

i need help from from you guys (nairalanders) as to what to do, if there is still hope.
deep down i still believe there is alot to enjoy in this world. it is just that life has dealt me a serious blow.

i have limited network of buddies. no business associates, for God sakes now i ought to be in middle management.
it is now looking as if i wasted my time and money going to the university.
i am someone who is loyal, i believe in collective success rather than individual success, someone who could stick to the task at hand until it is completed.

it seems i am in a trap (like in a bottle).
i have no Godfather or Godmother, no mentors ( the people who should have mentored me have always hated me and wished i failed in life).
nothing to smile about.
no woman or man in my life to say hello and encourage me since the days of yore.
guys i am tired and fed up.

why always me?
i am always overlooked and ignored when jobs, promotions are going to be given. why?
is it character? i have in abundance. emotional intelligence? yes i have them.

i have been denied so many good things, i dont know what my offence is.
because of all these compounded problems i usually visit google as strange at it seems to ask question like when will i be on my own, get married or have a business.
it is not funny at all.
because of condition, every other parts of of my life has been affected negatively. if anyone sees me now they will not beleive i have been stagnated.

just like everyone else i desire to have a very good job, a business with steady income, get married, have kids and enjoy life like everyone else.

i also have dreams and aspirations to positively impact my immediate community and make the world a better place.

please help a friend.



please nairalanders pardon my grammar. i was not an English student.

TV01:
I laugh some more .

Your opener simply stated "abuse". You later classified several types. Presumably they all have degrees, or are they all prima-facie reason for instant divorce? "Laughs some more"


As above you didn't state that in opening, you "artfully disguised it. And then again when you listed several other types of "abuse".

You are trying it again here when you state "psychological damage" - ones wifes cooking gives him headache - is that an out


I appreciate that not everyone subscribes to Christian doctrine or commandments - even if they leverage the label - so I think it good practice to disclaim.

You are still flailing about trying to make sense of this. Firstly, a Christian marriage built on the right foundations will not have such serious issues. Non-Christian marriages sef. Secondly, no one wakes up one day at the point of death. There is always a trajectory and a timeline as things deteriorate. Action should be taken early, before harm, serious harm, or death are in view.

And the first recourse at any point is not divorce. It's always, forgiveness, healing and reconciliation - for Christians. And whatever you do, it does not presuppose re-marriage, if your spouse is still alive. So call it abeyance, hiatus, separation, time apart, divorcement, whatever.


I reckon any mature person will get it, even if they don't hold to Christian doctrine.

How old, and what religion are you


TV

addiction12:
no sis, I hv never seen him with any body that is why this is really affecting me emotionally. I spoke to him about the lady he chat with on Facebook and he told me he met d lady even before he met me nd thier friendship its just casual. He has never brought anyone home nor does he keep out late except his online frnds that he flirt wt to d extent of exchanging thier nude pictures. And I fought with him regarding his chat but he wouldn't listen and that was what led to me opening a fake account just to divert his attention but I won't lie to u, my husband has revealed alot more than I expected to me though da fake account and that was how I got to know he is addicted to porn.

bennyrazz:
apologies for laughing o @bolded LMAO the part impatient and angry got me laughing. How konji makes some men silly at times, I wonder. A friend told me a story one time like that about how one of his neighbor use to cry for sex like a baby, when he cries, mucus used to come out from his nose. That day, I laughed to the extent that my ribs began to pain me. I also heard of a story of a Reverend father that warned women not to come and confess their sins of fornication and adultery to him again. When they come to confess their sins, they describe how the whole thing happen, how they slept with the man, how the man touched them, remove their clothes etc the Reverend father while preaching and warning them said he is also human that anytime they commit such sins, they should confess it to God. I laughed also.

Let me tell you something about your husband case, it is a very simple one that can be solved.

innovestor:

This is why i love NLers. The emoticons above are the various expressions on my face while reading through the various comments (yes i read every single one of them). Both from those who did not read my post before writing, those who did, those talking in and out of point and those decided to come here to quarrel. But thank your all for your interest in my matter. From all the post i have taken the ones relevant to my case and action items have been put in place. Hopefully things will get better.

TV01:
...we are all well thanks. Hope likewise.


My 2 posts on that thread - and the link - pretty much sum it up for me. By all means make an effort. Be attuned to the needs and desires of your wife, use romance to bond. It's an "all term" investment a smart guy will make.

Long/short, you've got to get it right going in. Anything else is too risky, especially in the West. We've expended a lot of time and energy on this here.

Once in it, do not pander or jump through hoops to get what's rightfully yours. Don't force or beg for intimacy. Especially if you are a dutiful husband. Like she is not obligated to please you?or make the same investment.

If you pander and are lucky, you may receive rations. Unwittingly you may create a "princess" with a monster entitlement mentality. She may also use it to assert control in the relationship and make escalating demands all round. And worse of all, women lose respect, and hence attraction, for men they can dominate, it's supposed to be the other way round. You can't lead by pandering, only serve.

I never advice extra-marital solutions or divorce, so the only thing I can suggest here is for him to re-establish his status/dominance. I see you feel one kind, but we men have to bear responsibility for our choices, informed or not, hard, but that is a mans lot.


TV

Bonejr:
Have you ever sat down and discuss these things with her?

carmag:
I have read lots of contributions some are
even suggesting you abandon your schedule
so you come and start playing ball with your
wife before you can enjoy what rightly
belong to you even after providing for her
needs and maintaining your home..


bro, if you want to enjoy your marriage, first
thing is to set standard..yes, it might sound
autocratic at the beginning but she'll
eventually get used to it but that shouldn't
stop you showering her love

However, the moment she starts denying
you s**x with flimsy excuses without a
crosponding action from you, you're giving
rooms for more troubles

therefore, I will give you a practical
solution that will put it to a stop and
quote me to tell me I'm right when
it has worked

the moment you indulge in for play and
you're already high for action and she
turns you down, """"hehehe, masturbate
your self
right in her present till you cum...
that is
a strong msg to her.....
repeat same the next day right in her
present and dont ask her for s*x


trust me she would not be comfortable
with your actions and would want to know
the reason for that hence knowing it could
lead
to something else

TV01:
Sex in marriage is both a right and an obligation. Yes, one should pay attention to romance, certainly, one must be considerate given sensitive or difficult conditions or situations, but the fact remains, sexual intimacy is a particular of marriage.

The issue OP has brought here is not “his” problem, it’s their problem, and the will is lacking on her part. She should be looking at how to resolve this even more, or at least as much as he is, as she is failing in her wifely duties.

I laugh when I hear strident advice about what “he needs to do”, and changes “he needs to make”. Especially when the advice is all around romancing, woo’ing and pampering her .

The truth is, we do not know the root cause of the problem here, but a good and understanding wife should make all efforts to restore normalcy. If he has the worst halitosis, she can communicate that (as sensitively as possible) and support him through it. Likewise if he has any other physical or grooming issue.

And again, if the issue is the stress of their day-to-day life, she should be working as assiduously as he is to make fundamental changes and create time for them to rekindle their passion.

If the issue is her low libido, again, she needs to understand that she is obligated to make efforts to satisfy him. Like Timbuktou said, you can’t negotiate attraction, and likewise a man should not have to pander or graft for what is his by right. So I may prescribe a different approach, but I agree, men too dey eff up!

And if the issue is his loss of status or desirability in her eyes, woo’ing and romancing her will make his stock fall even further – she’ll soon despise him, or at best codedly friendzone her spouse.

It’s why I advise men to marry younger/fitter women, and ones who naturally acknowledge their dominance and headship. Not dominance as in being tyrannical, or for reasons of control, but leading and being in some ways more mature and learned. I wonder the age/status gap between OP and his wife?

Younger/fitter, because when the stresses of life come upon women, the older and less fit they are, the more less likely they will be make the effort required to keep in shape and make pleasing you a priority. And the more likely it is that you will find yourself in a place where you are duty bound to fulfil your obligations, but getting little by way of satisfaction in return.

Would a dutiful husband become a vassal in his own home? Does OP develop headache when the bills are due? Or when his wife needs aso ebi or favors for her family, does she first clear a weekend and map a schedule of extra special TLC for him ?

Men run your homes. Address issues at root and be prepared to make long-term structural changes if required. By all means romance her, certainly woo the butt of her. But do it because she deserves it and you want to. Not to curry sexual favor, or pander to her sense of entitlement or failings, dammit! I’ll stop now lest I punch a hole in my lappy .


TV

innovestor:
I am always fresh, even if i no baff for 10 days . but on a serious not hygiene is not the issue. I have clues from most of the comments. but i am enjoying the exchange. But bear in mind that i will not do what Onegai suggests, 3days prep and activity for one round of sex? Na wa. lol

LynnPetra:
In as much as our men sabi carry prick share outside, sometimes the fault comes from the wife herself . Just like what one female pastor said one day, "Woman if your husband still sleeps with you be happy!Tell him after the whole kwokirikwo, dim thank you".Because he get some women wey their husband no dey fiyck again. They now drill the holes if their numerous girlfriends. You women don't realise you have power . As a wife, you have to be creative and calculating. Let's take for example, men are moved by what they see, whether it is imagined first or not. I don't see the reason why a woman will just tie wrapper and Sit at home till evening. Why?? Some of you who are "lucky to be housewives, after the whole lagos traffic ,oga go enter house say make him rest ,na so him go see woman for sitting room with wrapper tied to her waist, she fit dey lose her hair sef, or her hair is messed up. She go come stand up, pant sef she no wear. If I be man sef i will feel to run out back to work. Kilode?

As a wife you must always be in the mood except of cause you are tired or exhausted. Some women go fast for one month, yamsh sef dem no go give oga. Once you're married, your toto is no longer ya own. Like I was saying, you know sey oga go enter house by 5pm, why not take a clean bath, look clean, presentable amd alluring, wear your short skirt with white pant inside. Food wey them wrap dey attract pass . You fit just lay down "carelessly" for bedroom untop Africa Magic or WWF and pretend of course after greeting him, that you are engrossed with the TV. If you notice say oga Don dey u use style look that side as him dey comot suit, you can "carelessly" adjust the position to reveal more whites".Even if he is tired he will be confused, by the time you carelessly stand up and ask him,"Obim what will yo love to eat?".He will be like,"Em. ..what did I want to eat *carry eyes up like say the food dey ceiling fan*. ..haa!*sits down on the bed*you know what, let me just lie down and make that decision. ...."Know mind oga, na Bleep dey hungry am . join him in that bed and see if he won't pound you like yam.

Onegai:
Innovestor, today is Thursday, send your wife a message right now, ask her what she's doing, if there's light etc. Come home earlier than usual and play with the kids. Buy cake for your wife and everybody eat. When I say play, I mean PLAY. Dance like an egun masquerade. During this play, you guys should make a paper ball, recreate the NIG-GER match of yesterday (pls be Germany ) and stylishly throw it at Mum. Let her pass it back, infact,rush her if she holds the ball long. Feel free to smack her bum during the play, no red card given. Don't ask for sex.

Tomorrow, come home and watch whatever she wants to watch, discuss it with her animatedly. What hairdo is she wearing? Bet you don't know offhand tell her to bring her nailpolish, you want to practise painting because the economy has crashed and manipedis ain't cheap. Ask her what's going with life. Just listen. Gist freely.

Saturday, you and her go to the mall. Go watch a movie together (no kids allowed). In the car home, hold her hand. When you get home, don't sit in your usual seat (the one you use as your personal space), sit with her. Tell her "I've missed us having fun, I've missed you". See how the evening goes.

yetseyi:
Rilokiley is vexing, Bros don't let such bother you pls.

I have observed that a lot of Family nairalanders actually don't know how to advise, express displeasure, correct an opinion, educate or even post a superior arguement without snide comments or direct/subtle insults and I just wonder.

I have seen this happen several times, just yesterday I saw one of such threads.


If someone comes to post emotional issues and you make the mistake of mentioning finances you begin to read comments like "oya drop acc no"," he will soon ask for money" etc and the person has not even asked at least let him ask first.


Its really terrible, I really don't understand why people feel they must sound condescending to state an opinion.

Fellow nairalanders, I must say that I have been impressed with the way this website and it's members have worked to reunite families together.

I am hoping that you can do the same for my family.

My older brother who is now successful in the USA had a son sometime in 1993 with a neighbors sister who was his "secret girlfriend" in those days. In those days, you can't have a girl friend openly if you are not married. My family didn't allow things like that. (Was it really important to open with that? Leading with that gives the impression that he sees that as an incentive. Is that even necessary to mention at all if not for the fact that he intends to dangle it before them like a bone to a dog)
All I see is a young man explaining that he is now successful enough to take care of the woman and child he "abandoned", probably the reason he "abandoned" them in the first place. Remember he said he was not even aware she was pregnant for him.


He was a young graduate then living in the boys quarters of my sister's house at 40 Gerard Road Ikoyi.

The girl in question was living in the neighborhood with her brother who worked as a driver with Shell.

Her name is Chioma and she is from Ngwa in Abia State. It was an unplanned pregnancy.

The son must have been born sometime between September and November 1993.

Unfortunately my brother didn't know that Chioma was pregnant when he left Lagos for Immigration course in Kano for 9 months. Please note that there were no cell phones or emails readily available in those days. ([s]Notice how he mentions the course was a 9-month course? . . . Just the right time to 'cook' a baby[/s]) What has this point got to do with anything? Would there have been a difference if it was 3 months, or a year?. You saying "'cook' a baby' sounds spiteful. Are you saying he was deliberately absent until the baby was born? What would that have achieved if he was planning to abandon her as you are trying to imply? Wouldn't have simply been more logical if he had never returned?

It was after he returned about two years to the area that people told him what happened and by that time Chioma was gone from the area and he didn't have any more information to contact her. (Now 2-years from 9 months. So for two whole years he didn't return to is sister's house or see her at all) 2 years, 9months, it doesnt matter. Has nothing to do with the subject of discussion.

Before Chioma left Lagos, she brought the boy to our big sister, who adviced her to return months later when my brother will be around, but Chioma was probably sent back to the village by her brother and never returned. (So even the sister didn't see her brother for two whole years and tell him that Chioma came calling with a son? I bet she did . . . but it just wasn't important to him . . . probably had better things to do)And this is you conjecturing, imagining things beyond your knowledge. You see, you have judged this man already to be a monster, a wicked insensitive man that abandoned a pregnant girl to fend for herself. that may be true, but it may also be true that he really didn't know anything about the girl or her pregnancy! You cant just think the worst of people or else someone might do the same to you!

Over the years our family have been trying to locate Chioma and my brother's son. Unfortunately he doesn't have more information about Chioma apart from what I have said here. (Obviously not trying hard enough, cos if they did, a simple backward trace will certainly locate the girl in question)Lol, really? Do you remember how things were in 1993? Its very possible you werent even born then. I remember one occassion my family and I went to see relatives in benin and on getting there found out they were not at home. We waited for hours and eventually had to return back home because we couldnt trace thier whereabouts only to be told weeks later that they went for wedding. Its not like now even a tomato seller has an android phone talkless of GSM.

But I believe in the power of nairalanders. Please help.

Please this child was never neglected, my brother just didn't have a way to contact him or his mother. We want him to reunite with his father's family and to compensate Chioma for years of sacrifice, although no amount of money can repay her. (Where did he even say he was asking for forgiveness . . . he wants to 'compensate her'. For what? For bringing her shame and abandoning her to raise a child all on her own? For those years and nights she spent carrying the burden of a child alone? For the betrayal and pains of regret he put her through all these years. Can he really compensate for that . . . the answer is NO. This is why we advised the OP to seek for forgiveness instead of 'compensation') And yet in mentioning compensation he says with his next breath "although no amount of money can repay her". And did you count how many times he said please? and did you read the part where he said it was never a case of abandonment (sic.neglected) as the boy had no way of contacting her back then? Why are you sounding like you have been abandoned yourself, that's what i dont get? He already said he cannot compensate for that, that was what the phrase "although no amount of money can repay her" meant.

And inspite of all the above, the op has agreed he is at fault, he is not defending himself or saying its possible the baby isn't his. He even has two sons so doesn't need the boy per se. HE is just feeling guilty and haunted by his conscience which shows he is NOT the monster you all are trying to portray him to be; after all, there are a lot of men out there who wouldn't give two cents if they have a million abandoned kids out there, less responsibility for them. Here is someone attempting to do the right thing by his boy and you guys are here crucifying him like you really care for the boy or would give him money if he were to come online to nairaland to beg for school fees. Abeg jo.


Mods please help post in front page. Anybody who may know a story similar to above please contact me.

Ujoan:
@ RiloKiley

(see my comments in bracket/bold above)

I know men are all the same.(No we are not, actually) I can't even say that my dear husband would have acted any different (). . . . but we just want to point out to you guys that you need to be sensitive when dealing with people.(And the op was. On more than one occasion he was polite, humble, accepted his error and pleaded for help. Dont know what other sensitivity you mean Maybe you can give an example, after all we learn everyday) Lives have been affected and all you can talk about is money. That's cold!

I know you looked at the post and saw money and USA. I looked at it and saw wickedness and selfishness . . . both from the guy and his family.(Your understanding of stuff is harmful)

Now 23 years later he expects money to make it ALL okay . . . I wish it were that easy. (No, you wish it could be more difficult, that's what you really mean. You are hoping it wont be that easy. The issue is...Its none of your business. Its chioma that will make that decision. Kindly let her do so. Thanks.)

Ujoan:
Now i know, you are just one of those greedy Nigerians who think everything is about money . . . That's why you think one needs to be PAID to carry out a civic responsibility. I love money, but money is nothing compared to people's respect and dignity. I know this concept is quite difficult for an average Nigerian to grasp, but it's the plain truth.

Whether he's rich of 'stricken by poverty' is irrelevant. What is degrading is his dismissive nature and his assumption that he will be doing Chioma and her son a favor by finding them. He forgot that that boy is an Adult now and doesn't NEED his father's approval anymore. Wherever he is, he has a life and there's no guarantee that the offer of USA will even mean squat to him.

So why not just keep that aside and crave forgiveness instead He acknowledged he made a MISTAKE and people who make mistakes often BEG for forgiveness. Not dangle incentives to those they've wronged and act like they are doing them a favor. His attitude is offensive to people's sensibilities, hence the outrage.

And in-case you don't know, a lot of people calling the OP to order are doing waaay better than his supposed 'rich' brother. So no, we are not impressed with his 'achievement' and I really really hope Chioma and her son won't be either. Whoever they are, I hope fortune have smiled on them . . . . God knows they deserve it.

and No,you were not being tactful. You were being bitter and critical . . . . .

shaybebaby:
Now if only you could put that brilliant analytical mind to helping the op achieve his end.
Well said, ultimately the past can't be changed but the future can and I hope this story has a good ending for all those involved.

southernbelle:
@RiloKiley

i admire your reasoning.

shaybebaby:
Now if only you could put that brilliant analytical mind to helping the op achieve his end.
Well said, ultimately the past can't be changed but the future can and I hope this story has a good ending for all those involved.

Ujoan:
And this your comment is tactful?

I don't understand why people feel the need to attack others and their opinion . . .

You are accusing people of being bitter when your own post reeks of deep seated bitterness. Kind of hypocritical don't you think?

People are trying to call this OP to order so that if he does find the people he's looking for, he would drop the superiority act and actually understand that they wronged that young boy and his mother and nothing can change that. They have to realize that they need to be begging and apologising for their selfishness in the past, and not acting like they are doing them a favour.

I know how hard it is for people to face criticism, especially when they think they have arrived. But we won't be doing our civic duty if we just patted him on the back and gave him the award he seems to think he deserves.

You should show example and stop questioning other people's opinion.

Spirit1:
1. Polite greetings and rubbing of your egos so he can get some help
Fellow nairalanders, I must say that I have been impressed with the way this website and it's members have worked to reunite families together.

I am hoping that you can do the same for my family.


2. Statement of the problem

My older brother who is now successful in the USA had a son sometime in 1993 with a neighbors sister who was his "secret girlfriend" in those days. In those days, you can't have a girl friend openly if you are not married. My family didn't allow things like that.

He was a young graduate then living in the boys quarters of my sister's house at 40 Gerard Road Ikoyi.

The girl in question was living in the neighborhood with her brother who worked as a driver with Shell.

Her name is Chioma and she is from Ngwa in Abia State. It was an unplanned pregnancy.

The son must have been born sometime between September and November 1993.

3. Acceptance of blame, pleas, explanations, further pleas.

Unfortunately my brother didn't know that Chioma was pregnant when he left Lagos for Immigration course in Kano for 9 months. Please [/b]note that there were no cell phones or emails readily available in those days.

[b]It was after he returned about two years to the area that people told him what happened and by that time Chioma was gone from the area and he didn't have any more information to contact her.

Before Chioma left Lagos, she brought the boy to our big sister, who adviced her to return months later when my brother will be around, but Chioma was probably sent back to the village by her brother and never returned.

Over the years our family have been trying to locate Chioma and my brother's son. Unfortunately he doesn't have more information about Chioma apart from what I have said here.

But I believe in the power of nairalanders. Please help.

Please this child was never neglected, my brother just didn't have a way to contact him or his mother. We want him to reunite with his father's family and to compensate Chioma for years of sacrifice, although no amount of money can repay her.

Mods please help post in front page. Anybody who may know a story similar to above please contact me.

canDy4eva:
True talk!

...Wot abt an instance whr a mum-inlaw hz a beef wit her son but empties it on her daugher-inlaw n went as far as cursing her..??

Wot should b d girls reaction?

canDy4eva:
True talk, but inlaws cn b a pain in d neck atymz...

eyinjuege:
Mr Babztemmy aka mouthcuffed, your wife was here earlier.

You guys should try and resolve your marital issues offline. Let peace reign. Call a truce. Tell her what you want, and also try and compromise on what she needs. She wants you to be more affectionate towards her, do that. She wants to be able to put her hands in your pocket without you getting angry, she wants you to be her gisting partner, and to tell her things you are going to do like buying a car for your mother without even hinting her isn't such a good idea. She wants you to be less rigid.

At the same time, let her know you can be all these and more if she could only place your mother on the same pedestal you hold her, let her know you can be there for her emotionally if only she takes your mother as hers, and cares for her as she would her father.
Let her know you don't like to be called 'ode' but honey, sweetheart, love of my life.
Let her know you want to be woken up every morning with a good morning darling.

Its a give and take situation.
You need to LISTEN to her concerns and not just be dismissive. They may not make sense to you, or may sound stupid, or even not real, but to her they seem legitimate enough.
Call a truce in your home, not by arguing but discussing calmly like adults telling each other your expectations, and the disappointments you've both faced with each other.
Stop saying hurtful words that she wasn't your choice of a partner if not that you wanted to do right by your children (when you guys argue).
Words are like eggs, once spoken or broken they can't be taken back or put back together. They will forever ring the the ears of your wife.
I'm not trying to remove your wife from all this, because I know she's equally a troublemaker looking for trouble where there's none. She needs to take a deep breath, and be more accommodating towards her MIL. Life isn't so difficult unless we make it so.

TTNI:
.
I have forgotten this nairaland is a place of sin. they will even encourage a man to commit incest. and not have a problem with it. if a man has a crush on his wife's family, cousin or sister. idont think there is any news for him to tell his wife ooo. he should keep it to himself. okay now that he told me what happened? secondly the ones that he is meant to tell me, the ones that will help him flew from adultery, he doesn't discus that one with me oo, the times he had crushes on women outside our marriage, he doesnt sit me down to share it with me, now he has an illicit crush on my cousin he is sharing that one with me, so that what will happen, i will tell my cousin or what. or so that i will feel less beautiful than my cousin? or what? please kindly tell me how that information is meant to help this marriage grow.