₦airaland Forum

bonsue1118:
Gud pm, my ex his begging me 2 come bak 2 him, bt d prob I av wit him is he womanise a lot. Am in love wit anoda person, bt he smokes, d person am in love wit truly love me, bt my fear is his habit. Pls am confused right nw, I need ur advices. Tnks.

So you are considering going back to your ex who womanises?Has he stopped womanising?

There's no confusion here.Help your current guy quit his smoking habit.

dre11:
I have this feeling that the man lied verbally to the woman without her asking him to see the result of blood test...
Anyway, the man was totally wrong to have lied but she could have asked for the blood test result and not believe the mans word verbally to safe her the consequences of having a divorce so early in her married life

This is what must have happened and I blame the woman.The standard thing is to both go for the test together and when the result is out,the lab scientist or doctor declares it to you both.Same thing with tests like HIV.
You don't just take verbal statements as enough proof.

^^^
The two posters above me..............the situation this woman found herself in is a very serious situation.The man lied to her but it's not just the lie but the consequences of two people with the AS genotype in a marriage.
As it stand now they have a high probability of having a child with the SS genotype.Dealing with that in a family is no child's play.

3cycle:
Is it ok to marry somone you don't love ? Sometimes you end a relationship with a guy and you just don't see yourself loving another same way even after few years have past.

Is it possible to love in marriage?

He may not be a man that sweeps you off your feet like it is for some but the warmth and some fondness should be there.
I believe in God's will but I also believe the will comes with a 'lovableness'.God can't just give you what will not trip you afteral.The bible says His gifts are good and perfect.

If you really don't feel him even after spending some time together,then it's better to quit.
There are quite a no of women just managing who they married.It's not worth the torture.

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

Good one young lady.Unfortunately,a lot of single ladies do not see this while searching.The things that really matter on the long run are the deeper things you mentioned;respect,love for God and you,trust,does he keep his word,is he kind e.t.c
It took you some experiences of getting it wrong before you got it right but unfortunately,some ladies do not before they eventually take the plunge.

moca:
@thorpido,u seem very reserved.
Love ur prof.
Ur wife is one lucky lady.

I just posted about my flatmate
It's not a laughing matter cos she normally complain with all seriousness. Infact at times she will break down and cry.
She happened to be d first daughter and in school. So hubby is giving her money, her dad too.
If her mum says she wanna visit her,d man will tell her she is on her own o
That will not stop my inlaw from giving me my monthly allowance
Meanwhile during omugwo,papa is no where to be found. After buying omugwo thing for mama,u must buy his own else he will sieze mama own.
What a man!

A few men are like that.My wife's uncle is a bit like that.

stone07:
Thanks @thorpido for your quick response. He was born with hernia and was also treated for jaundice when he was in nursery.

The jaundice might be the cause.Jaundice if not well treated leads to something called Kernicterus.The child ends up with cerebral palsy and development is retarded.

stone07:
Hello mothers in the house. Pls my six months
old child has not been able to hold and stand his
neck.But he can turn it to right or left side only.
The neck is not yet stable so we don't
understand what is happening to him. Although
he was born pre term but as at this age, we
think he should be able to hold and stand the
neck.
Pls has any mother experienced this problem
before? and what can we do to stabilise the
neck.

What kind of care did he receive at the time he was born?What circumstances led to his being born preterm.Did he suffer any other sickness after birth?
I think your baby may have had some neurological problems at birth resulting into what is known as delayed milestones.See a paediatrician and take it up from there.

bukatyne:
It is nice you appreciate the shoes Some ladies walk in

Why it is majorly MILs that are terrible is unfathomable to me.

The stuff she complains her son does, she would be very glad a man did same for her daughter

Except for a few men,men generally step back when their children marry.It's the women who want to get involved.I guess it's the attachment they have towards their sons and the feeling that one small girl has now taken his attention.

babyosisi:
Haha

So when I see mil stories on nairaland I always comment.it is foolish for a man who is watching his home disintegrate because of his mother's visit to insist on keeping her there .The day the wife is pushed to the wall the outcome won't be palatable to anyone.
I have been there and we have crossed that river.

Guess what

When my mom visited I gave her rules based on my experiences with my Mil.
I said mom if you hear zubby and I quarrelling do not utter a word and simply go upstairs.if he yells or I yell just remove yourself and pretend you are not there.she made me a promise she will do that and keeps to that promise.I said mom.Don't criticize anything about him and when she went to see my brothers and their wives I told her the same thing.
I wish every son and every daughter could tell their moms the same thing.
You don't wanna know how many marriages hit the rocks because of mothers in law.

You know sometimes when I see it,I often wonder how I would cope with it if I were a woman.
Walk,u no walk well
Laugh,your laugh no sound well
Cook,e too get salt,put small the thing no sweet
E fit make woman enter menopause quick!

When we had our baby and my mum came to bathe the baby,she will wail so loud.My wife couldn't say anything,I was the one who had to say,Mummy the water is too hot na.She said yes,it's good for the baby's body.I said nooo,it should be lukewarm.If it was my wife that complained,mother could misinterpret that.
It's good when the husband is on the wife's side.

bukatyne:
That's nice

Are you in Nigeria?

Yea,Lagos

moca:
R u a medical dr?
Just curious.

By d way, I love ur very insightful comments.
Viewing things from d man's perspective.
Makes it all balanced.
Thanks for ur contributions.

Physiotherapist
Thanks 4 d compliments.

babyosisi:
The day my mil landed in America I called all my friends to come welcome her,I got a cake and it had welcome to America on it
I cooked rice,baked chicken,made salad,bought drinks
We celebrated her arrival.
Next day Saturday I took her to a department store,bought her sweaters,blouses skirts and tights and shoes
I told her she was now in America,no more tying wrapper
I did for her exactly what I would do for my mom.
How did I get paid back ?
She complained about my soup
She complained about my stew
My sweet potatoes were too soggy
My soups had excess crayfish
My pounded yam was too soft
I could hardly do anything right
She complained I didn't greet her cheerfully
She complained my kids were not behaving well enough
I never ever responded to all these criticisms,I would talk to my hubby and he would be be mad at her
Then it got worse and worse
I would tell my mom and she asked me to just bear with her and not exchange any words with her
She bathed my son and he complained the water was to hot,I said politely,mama,come let me show you the temperature he is used to
I put water in the tub and wanted her to feel it,she flared up and said I was accusing her of wanting to kill her own grandson.
She started calling me names,there was nothing she didn't say
Reminded me she never liked me from day one
Said I was growing wings because I was brought to America ( not knowing that my own father bought my flight ticket and hubby refunded it later)
Surprisingly I still kept my cool and would tell my hubby all this in tears when he returned.
she didn't relent it got worse
I started staying in my bedroom and avoiding her
As soon as I came home bad greeted her,I sat in my bedroom.then she will ask why I was hiding and continue the insult.
She accused me of turning her son into my maid and having him vacuum the floor and do laundry,saying what a bad woman I was.i never responded.
I was afraid to come home daily,I didn't know what was waiting for me.4 good months I went through this
Then one day my daughter who was just 6 was speaking to her friend on the phone while I was away and mama was babysitting.while she laughed and giggled with her friend Kayla,mama took away the phone and slammed it.
My daughter got angry and wanted to retaliate and all she could do was pick up mama's bible and throw it under the bed where mama couldn't reach it.
I came home that day all hell broke lose,she sang those deriding songs about how God will deal with her enemies
Mama called my daughter a lunatic in my face and told me she knows the lunacy came from my side of the family not hers and she went on and on and I had had it at this point,because I could handle her insult to me but not to my mom and dad I love greatly.
I never knew I could get that angry
I walked up to her face and dared her to call my family mad again and see if she will live to tell the story
At that point anger had welled up within me,I packed up her bags and threw them outside in the apartment corridor,in fear she ran out immediately because she knew at that point I was extremely upset and she thought I would hit her.i didn't thank God.
I locked the door behind me so she stayed out in the corridor.

I picked up the phone called my husband at work and asked him to come home immediately if he wanted to see his mom alive
I told him if he didn't come in 20 minutes.he will be taking her corpse home.
Little did I know I was pregnant at the time
My husband rushed back home,yelled at his mother after I told him everything,the mother started crying
From that day on I said no more,mama must go home enough is enough,I can't be this miserable in my own home.b
Later on the table turned
Mother and son became a tag team and I was now the enemy
I couldn't stay with her any longer,I couldn't concentrate,I was so stressed,my face filled with pimples, I sang it daily like a song that she must leave.the situation in the house was tense
She eventually did go home and my husband who had supported me previously seen all the verbal and emotional abuse I went through suddenly saw me as the evil woman that sent his mother home.
We stopped communicating,he stopped eating anything I cooked,his family was upset he allowed his wife send their mom home.
For months we lived this way
I contacted a good Kenyan friend of mine who had an extra room in her house,went and saw the room ,told him I was leaving,packed my bags.
Called a cab and when the cab arrived and called me on the intercom,my hubby answered and told the cab we were no longer needing him,the cab left.
Then we started to work on mending things.
It took a lot of work .

Wow!

stages:
Lol
now dat you have learned start by surprising dat woman in ur life with a gift. Tell us the results tomorrow.

I try to but I admit there are more grounds to cover.

chaircover:
Mu hubby was/is like that
It took him time
He still buys inapprropriate gifts but he is gradually getting there
I had to drop my expectations
I had to understand that we are different, from different backgrounds & 2 different people. He is not so much into presents and just buys the first thing he sees, whereby I will buy a gift tailored to you.
I had to tell myself that he doesnt mean any harm . . thats just him
Ive received all sorts of things
My 1st wedding anniversary present was a picnic basket

I have received unsigned cards and Ive received cards with scrawly writing that I cant even read (He is not a doctor)
He doesnt read the inside of cards, he just picks the first one that says "wife" and goes to pay for it.
Ive received gifts with prices still on

Once he ordered a orange and purple birthday cake for me . .I dont know who to blame, him or the baker

The day I start on a diet is the day he will buy a huge box of chocolates

I have a laptop, a notebook and an Ipad, but he still bought me another laptop for my birthday.
He waits till Xmas eve to buy Xmas presents and so can only enter the first shop in the shopping centre before rushing back home due to crowd.

. . . . . .But I know that he loves me and that is the most important thing and when you have that a the back of your mind. Everything else doesnt seem so "bad"

moca:
Chei! Meeeen!!!
They can never get it right!

Guilty as charged.I have to keep learning too.
Honestly you ladies need to understand our brains are not wired that way .The way ladies see is not the way we do.We think of providing for the family and ensuring security and well being.Other things that don't look like emergencies have to take an effort.

Chinum:
Speaks wrong grammar;
The one responsible for the whole family;
Does not have a savings account;
Somewhat people pleasing;
Future goals are not that convincing;


These and a few others are the reasons I decided to call it off. Did I do the right thing?

Cc; Babyosisis, Chaircover, Bukatyne, et al.

U guys are saving lives. May you not lack in your areas of need. Amen.

You mean you quit the relationship(bf\gf)?
1-Grammar can be worked on(if he's willing)
2-That will be a big challenge on your finances as a couple.
3-He can't save if he is responsible for his whole family.
4-That's a problem if it is excessive.
5-A grown up man should have goals even if they may evolve over time.

Apart from all the above,is he a good man?
You may have done what is good enough for you.Honestly,it's not easy starting with so many baggages.

happysisi:
We dated for a long time. Infact throughout our courtship, he was unemployed while I was employed. The funny thing is that I am not materialistic or demanding just da basic things a man would do for his wife, I have to ask nd ask like doing hair, eye brow etc. I hate to ask for things Datz why I hate that I haven't been able to find a job. He is also good outside. He can pay for ppls stuff nd all.

He doesn't seem to want to change. His pride and ego won't let him. I have made up my mind to let him be nd not expect anything not to be disappointed and pray God gives me job



.

I honestly think your husband can improve.He just doesn't find a reason to think more of you now which is not good.I wish your hubby could get some counsel.
Like you said,make yourself happy and don't dwell too much on your current situation.

happysisi:
Right I totally agree that's why initially when I couldn't find a job, I asked him to start up biz for me nd he didn't so I started it on my own. For his bday, it's not from his money cuz he doesn't give me allowance or anything but from da biz wen I started or from feeding money as I plan well from jan

happysisi,has your hubby always been this way or did he change?Did you spend enough time dating before marriage?Did you observe these things then?
I think the problem is more than just you not working,it's something to do with your hubby's personality.
The first thing is to get a job or start some biz so your are more financially independent.Also try to get your husband to change by teaching him lovingly.It'll require a lot of patience on your part too.

He(you) should look for the girl's parents and tell them what has happened.

Dimples192:
Tongue in cheek means it's a joke. Light hearted. You know the saying dnt judge a book by it's cover like you're doing literally. Lol

Well it's excused as an urban slang if that's the way you want to use it.

Dimples192:
_Bitch is a tongue in cheek phrase
More like a woman who has self respect.

o yeah?

_bitch/bɪtʃ/
noun

1. a female dog, wolf, fox, or otter.
2. a spiteful or unpleasant woman.
3. a difficult or unpleasant situation or thing.
4. a complaint.

Dimples192:
I heard somewhere that men like women who challenge them and keep them on their toes. They push to see how far they can but then they get bored. They still enjoy the Chase. I love this book "Why men love _Bitches" it's really insightful because its men giving there point of views. And men hate a doormat. You need a balance between submission and dominant. I would recommend that book.

.......and all men love bitches?

Preternatura1:
Thank you OP and the rest of the crew for the awesome job you are doing, you are indeed wonderful women.

Please, I'd be very honored and grateful if you can take out some time to help me out here.

The thing is that, I'm in a relationship of 3 years but I don't feel like I have feelings anymore, I feel nothing when we kiss let alone make love, I do love this man but I just don't feel that feeling you get, the butterfly kinda thing, this is someone I'm talking marriage with, I also can't shake the feeling that he's not really the one, I mean, he does what he can to make me happy and he is indeed a faithful man, I'm also faithful but it seems to me like I built a man in my head and he's not exactly up to what is in my head.

I do know that, if I marry him, it will make him the happiest man on earth, I want him to have that and I know he'll do his best to make me happy, but what about me? Will I ever be as happy as I'd love? Will the way I feel now pass?

I sometimes think of leaving but I feel so bad whenever the thought comes in, like I'm being ungrateful and mean, he hasn't really done anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be heartbroken, what should I do please?

I'm 25 btw and he's 30, we both work and it's pretty much 50/50 financially.

Perhaps you have this 'Mills & Boon' syndrome.I met quite a number of ladies who had fantasies.
I really think the problem is that you both have not set a time for marriage.

You both went as a couple for the test.What is usually done is that both partners are counselled and the result disclosed to them together.I don't know why the doctor will disclose one person's result and keep quiet about the other person.It's not the norm.
I suspect the man is positive too by his reaction.

By the way,infidelity is not the only way to contract HIV.

The world is upside down.

This hat affair don tey.

.

They should have just shot their legs.Naija police!

Dat guy in the yellow top though.

ovalrose:
l like this ya advice.

Lol

smithy90:
Yes my mother is but my farther passed away years ago

Okat.you just need to brace up and be ready to take the responsibility alone.He may get involved(or maybe later) and he may not.
Don't hate men and don't shut yourself away from men completely.What you need is just the wisdom to know who is real.

nannymcphee:
But ma, I think we have to recognize the fact that life is dynamic & comes in different shades

The most important thing should be finding out what works for you. I believe in the bid to fit into the norm, trouble will come

I know of two family friends, their husbands does the shopping, I don't mean grocery shopping o, your typical market, bargaining for meat & Maggie & the likes, is this normal? (If its about education, one of them is a charactered account with a reputable firm, though he is late)

I don't mean occasional shopping, it is what they do, their wives don't go to the market

here on NL, alot of folks clamor for separation on the event of cheating & physical abuse. There are women that endured such for 5, 10yrs & later things changed while for some it didn't end well

using myself as an example, there was lots of wrestle mania in my home while growing up but at a point it all stopped, until my dad's demise they clocked 35yrs of being married, the first 10yrs being full of fights. meaning the next 25yrs was that of bliss, if my mum had packed out within the first 10yrs nko, maybe I won't be here today

It is everyone's prayer that the evening stage of our lives should be better than the morning stage, is the above example not an answer to such prayer.

I'm not an advocate for assault/cheating, but stuff happens, folks are talking about men cheating & cleaning their tracks, we have had cases of men who brought another lady to their matrimonial beds while madam was at home!! Some endured & it later worked out for them, for others it didn't.

The key is to find out what works for you & not trying to copy the norm or the jones, in life there are so many things that are not supposed to be but they end up being so!!

When you talk about what works,there ought to be standards.A man brings another woman to the house(on the matrimonial bed),in the presence of the wife and she still sits there?
A man is blatantly cheating on his wife such that she even sees his girlfriends and there is evidence of sleeping with them and she still sits there?
I work in a hospital and know how many women come to the hospital and find out they are HIV positive when they come for antenatal screening.I have also seen quite a no of cases admitted for injuries sustained from domestic abuse.Yes many of them stay put because it's 'working' for them?
I have a friend who worked in the same office with the Arowolo banker lady that was murdered by her husband.She said there were quite a number of times she came with bruises or facial swellings.She often said it was bike accident.She was probably trying to save her marriage but THIS did not work.

toshmann:
BabyO i have a problem

I met these three sisters, all pretty, all intelligent and well broought up from a good home. In the spirit of fairness I decided to date them all. I've been discreet so far and theyve been happy, which is my goal.
Now they've discovered that im dating them all and they are mad.

All i did was try to make them happy, and i was succeeding, now they are upset and they are blaming me for their unhappiness. This is how they pay me back for my kindness

What do i do next?

It should be what should they do next?They should get your a** whipped!
This happens when sisters don't talk to each other.