₦airaland Forum

babyosisi:
Let me tell this true story
There is a man in this United States that saw the picture of this drop dead gorgeous girl and went home and married her
Tall slim,light skinned and beautiful just like the average nigerian man wants them
The girl supposedly was a graduate of ESUT
Hardly any courtship,he carried wine,did a wedding,brought her over

This girl can barely make one full sentence in clear English
A total "blockhead" even in mundane things but a beauty to behold
She did the written driving test over 7 times before passing and till today has not learned to drive,cannot pass the test
She has done nurse assistant course numerous times and hasn't passed it till this day.
So this man has a wife who doesn't drive,doesn't work ,cannot communicate well except in Igbo and with two young kids
How miserable is that
I heard he is now planning to send her to live in Nigeria because he has to drive her everywhere and drive to all the children's appointments and he is the sole bread winner and is a unable to do all that and cope with his job.
That was a man whose only criteria for a wife was physical beauty.

There are many women like that
It could have easily been an intelligent girl ending up with a wicked efulefu man she barely knew all in the name of coming to Obodo Oyibo

Lol,there are quite a no of men who have married like that especially men who come from abroad to pick wives.They like what they see on the net and that's it for them.Some erroneously think because she's in Nigeria she will be a good 'home bred'.They marry such women and realise marriage is more that just a woman with good looks.The frustration begins to tell a few years down the line.

^^^ lol.Church people like him indeed

moca:
Won't it have effect on d children later.
Something like'mum/dad is wicked,always punishing me.
Yea,i know a guy who is so into his mum cos of the way daddy disciplined him that they were more like two strangers in d same house when he has grown.
He said he overheard dad telling mum that she made him(d guy) hate him(d dad)
Mum defended herself by saying it was the way he treated the boy when he was young.

This guy felt it and tried to make amend(d dad is a man to be reckoned with in d society yet this broke him)
So anytime d guy is home and daddy is watching telly,he will come and join him.
Asking him this and that.
It eased tension.

Also it makes children have preference.
Is it not better to balance it?
Personally, I don't like it.
Mummy and daddy should hv one voice.
Makes it hard to chose.

They should have one voice in correcting the children but you know we are not all of the same personality.That's why it's good to marry a partner who compliments you.
There's a proverb that says you discipline a child with one hand and you draw the child to you with the other hand.It's about getting a balance.
Some parents are too hard on their children like the example you gave.The father didn't know how to balance it.

cococandy:
Interesting question now that you raised it.

I'm sure I'm going to be the passive parent.
Passive in the department of discipline.
I don't need anyone to tell me that.

I'm a sort of pushover when it comes to friends and family. Always letting them have their way to avoid hurting their feelings and they always say I'm going to spoil my kids because if they cry, I'll just give them what they want so they won't feel bad.

I don't want to be that kind of parent but I can imagine myself losing that battle already before even starting it.

Hmmm

You have to start working on that mentally now.Kids always want to have their way even when it will hurt them.
The bible says foolishness is in the heart of a child...........

I love kids a lot but sometimes you need to be firm.You just have to set limits for them and take your mind off the emotions you may have towards those instructions or orders.
I hope your spouse is a firm person.

moca:
Most families I hv seen have d active and passive parent?
How do u make a passive spouse active in child training?

There is really nothing much you can do about the other spouse who is passive.Often times it's a nature they grow up with.It's important one of them is firm.

A pastor told a story of how he visited a family and while he was sitting in the parlour,their little boy will come and pinch him,laugh and run away.The parents saw him and all they did was say, aww jnr,stop it.The boy came the third tim and this time,the parents had gone into the room.........
He gave the boy a knock and the boy wailed.When the parents came out and said what happened,he acted like he didn't know.

Parents should not be too soft on their kids.

Your dad is an adult.........an old adult.He can do whatever he wants...........IN HIS HOUSE.
You can choose to resign from his office if you want,he will hire someone else.

MarvellousGod:
Amen....
I already found him, I'm getting married in less than two months.. Thanks for your wise words

Remain blessed. ..

Glad for you.

.

kaylawil:
Hmmm, I've bn following dis thread for sometime now n I must say I he learnt a lot of tinz. Tnx to babyosisi, forexmart, uju, n others. Its truly a matured thread.
At this point I need to share my issue here.

For smtim now I've bn battling with my marr.

I met dis men who I later married in a church.He wasn't my spec thou but for reasons I cnt really comprehend we got married. I felt I had married my dream man. He wasn't financially buoyant but was Ok for his level. I'm from a well to do home.

Its four years since I got married with kids n I fink I'm fed up already with d union. No love, no affection, just discovered he has house somewia in town. U have to beg for practically every tin from kids, sch fees to feeding to rent n so on....
Lies about me to whoever cares to listen, never sees any tin good bout me. And to tink ds was smone u met on d low n packaged him to d level he s hw supported n saw him thru school. Got a good job and disregards me n d kids.... I'm so confused cos I'd always tot mine wld be heaven on earth but d reverse is d case.
Lies a lot, is selfish n self centred....

I'd made up my mind to leave cnt bear a day withnsmone who treats u like trash. Mind u I was a graduate even befr I convinced him to go back to sch n finish up.

Really confused... I feel sad for my children cos all I had wanted for dem was d best growing up under d arms of loving parents just as I did.:-)

He wasn't your spec and you still married him without knowing why?

To the young ladies,if you believe in God's will and you have gotten a yes in your spirit,still spend some TIME to date.I can't give a specific period but it shouldn't be less than 6mths of regular communion.You should get to know who he is.There are some basic things you also look out for;
Does he have a personal relationship with God?Is he in a group/service in church?Are there people he respects,people who can admonish/counsel him?
Does he respect you?Can you talk to him and he will listen?Is he honest?
I believe in God's will and I know there are times when the will may not look attractive but I believe the partner you want to marry should be attractive to you.God will put that attraction there.
Ujujoan married a man she initially didn't have an attraction for but like Babyosisi said of her friend,she is stuck in a loveless marriage and most times it's the case.

munas:
He is IBB PROXY.
All his big investments are just IBB'S way of bringing his money back to the economy

Make una dey there dey talk IBB.Shey him na mumu wey go just dey hold person money?

djeezy:
Wow he once drove a taxi? Your current situation should not discourage you from working hard and achieving something in life. No pain, no gain.

He only drove a taxi while in college because he wanted to earn some money for himself and didn't want to keep waiting on his parents.

ladynice:
thanks they think since he is nt calling dem he is nt caring though on his part I been talking 2 him 2 try & cal he has started he is calling My dad more frequent now may God help me

That's what he needs to do.Marriage especially in Africa involves the extended family.He just needs to push himself a bit more.

ladynice:
Anty osisi pls I need advice badly am about 2 wed a man I understand very well & am ready 2 deal wit his challenge bt my family r having issues wit him due 2 d fact dat his an introvert & extremely reserved person he find it difficult 2 relate wit people so they think he is nt d type dat wil accept d family or respect dem so am very confused

If that is the only issue your people have with him,then it's a simple issue.

YOUR GUY NEEDS TO GET OUT OF HIS SHELL.

I'm a bit of an introvert myself and I'm married to a lady who is not even from my tribe.I talk little but when I'm around my in-laws,I know I must gist.I start talking about politics,football e.t.c
Your guy just needs to understand this and take it upon himself to effect the change..

cyaa:
Thankyou very much for the support. I really thank God my husband is patient and I try not to take it for granted. The few times he gets angry I forgive him immediately because I also understand what he is going through. When we are making love and the devil wants to intrude I ask God to help me and he does. God has really equipped me with mad skills in bed and I sometimes look forward to seducing husbi.
It is tough but it is surmountable and I pray God continues to give me the grace to heal fully and take back what the devil is tryna steal from my marriage. I just see the chains falling.
I will check out that site and give you feedback.
God bless you

Yes there will be moments of anger and frustrations on the part of both of you but you will keep developing and overcoming it.You both know you are working together which makes it easier.

Mikwus:
That's the point..............they are all compatible when it comes to the genotype(I really feel blessed) and they don't mind settling with me...........another point is 90% of them are people who know me down to my home, and have been friends with me for a long time too

In the next few days,I want you to dedicate yourself to prayers.Fast for some days if you can.Ask God to reveal His will to you.
I don't think one will continue to wait on God for 2 yrs concerning your guy marrying you and not get answers.Haba!God no dey sleep.
You're 30yrs coupled with your SS genotype status,I don't think you have any reason to wait again.
May God give you an answer speedily.

analar:
ama kip learning frm you all!

in my little experience! i gv counsel to ppl bt ds gat me disturbed! still on d matter hw to help a lady frnd who is in a serious rtnship in which both family are aware bt recently she z bin twisted in her tots abt her love 4 bf nw whom dy hv bin dating 4 2yrs nw! ..


...@ her place of work, she hz ds colleague whom she report to directly! for mnts nw dy hv grow fond of eachother she understands him& dy talk all tinz openly! a mnt ago! he openly confess his love to her! & saying he has bin keeping it 4 over 5mnts! n wz afraid to tell her cos she may tink he wants to get @ her pants!
bt , he sincere wants her& to build a rtnship into marriage!.....ds he keeps on telling her! 2weeks ago! she went to his place to pick up a impt ditto dy nided to work wit....n according to her! he couldnt ctrl himself...n a kissed&caressed her! wanting a little romance&begging 4 her approval to date!....bt she talkd him out! reminding him dt he z aware she has sum1 she z engaged to!....


...nw...4 d lady! she has sum1 she hz bin dating 4 2yrs old rtnship she wouldnt want to brk his hrt/ d family!....bt
on a 2nd tot she also hv feelings 4 her collegue who she said is nice, taller& a goodkisser compared to her bf. who is @same height wit her
...d only fear she has z her collegue z a sabath &she a Redeemite!....


...my own headache nw....
...her colleague she says knows her bf& well aware dy r dating! bt stil profess his love to her!...

why wud some men just want other ppl cake!...n also, wetin she go do...

...i told her to cut off ties wit d colleagues...bt it kinda affecting their work activities!..
...

...i gv it to d older counsellors o!

she is simply getting distracted.Except she has a good reason to want to leave the boyfriend,her affair with this snr colleague is making her draw away from him.The boss might really like her but young ladies often have more than one admirer.She also will always see men who are more handsome,taller,gooder(sic)kisser,bla bla bla...
She should focus on her present relationship.
Office romance often times don't go well.

cyaa:
You are so right. So so right. In my case at least. I was sexually abused as a child and also as a teenager by house workers and close relatives respectively and deep down inside I hated men. Of course I didn't tell my family. As you said- the shame, the shame.

But at the same time I loved them and had this urge to conquer them. I loved pre-intimacy but once things got too sexual I lost interest and sometimes cowered in fear or closed up completely. I was living a pseudo-promiscuous life were I loved to entice men sexually cos it gave me the feeling of being powerful, but I actually detested the actual act. Maybe you could explain.

This followed me into my marriage and almost caused issues in the beginning but by Gods grace my husband was very patient and I also made an effort to overcome it- through prayers, chatting with married women who had a great sex life, self-counseling and putting in an effort with all the exciting things sex has to offer. I felt I had been robbed long enough and didn't want my marriage to be destroyed too.

One key thing was I opened up to my husband about my past and explained how I had been affected psychologically and spiritually. Infact I offered so many explanations but the good thing was I was willing to work at it. The more my husband and I have sex, the more I feel I am being unchained and it is such a great feeling.

Of course there are days where he gets on top of me and just starts touching me and I feel I am being sexually molested and try so hard not to scream. Sometimes I can't control myself and I push him away and just lay there scared. Thankfully, no matter how upset he is, he manages to stay calm and we talk about it much later with me ensuring I make up for it that way we keep moving forward.

I would really love to know more about this topic as it might help me and many others in our quest for total restoration.

God bless us all

Cyaa,you're in the process of healing already.Keep doing more of what you are doing now.It's a good thing you have a patient husband.
You can use the internet more and get to hear about the experiences of others and find support groups of those who have had similar experiences.

You can check this out: www.thehealingplace.info
Don't stop praying.

She obviously has some issues in her past that has made her withdrawn.Maybe something to even do with her late mother.
You can only draw her out more with love and build that trust with her.You might not be able to push her.

Mikwus:
Aunty Osisi

I left a 6yr relationship after my ex's dad told him that he was not in support of our intended marriage. Reason is my genotype "SS", though he is "AA". In less than a month my ex told me he was getting married.........I was heart broken and almost died from heartache. It's been 3yrs now and somehow by God's Grace i lived through it.

2yrs after my breakup and healing I met a man and i like him so much. He is a gentleman. From a good Christian home. I know he loves me because despite all my excesses (arrogance and ill-temper, NO Sexual Excess) he's still with me. He believes so much in us, but i don't believe it anymore. It's been 2yrs+ since he asked we pray to know God's will about us and I'm so tired of waiting because he doesn't have a stable job and he is really waiting on God for a miracle. I'm 30yrs old and i want to settle down because i believe it will help keep me more focused especially in my prayer life....(i believe i can pray with and for him as a friend but not for God to bless him 'cos i want to marry him, i just think it's too selfish a prayer) I believe we can settle and i can pray with and for him as my husband.

Now I have suitors lined up. A queue i know that i can choose anyone from and I will be able to live with that person.

I am afraid of waiting and perhaps in the end it would be the same story as the last.

Problem is, he doesn't want to commit totally, in his words "I CANNOT ASK YOU TO STAY, BUT IF YOU FEEL YOU CANNOT WAIT, I WILL WISH YOU WELL BUT I WOULD RATHER WAIT FOR GOD TO LEAD ME THAN MAKE A MISTAKE"

I am confused........right now, I've resulted to telling others i'm not dating and just looking up to God to direct the right person 'cos i'm confused as they are quite a good number of them.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't know what to do............I'm not sleeping with anyone, i'm just trying to establish a good relationship first before i strike out some , but AM I GOING ABOUT IT THE RIGHT WAY??

The guys coming,do they know your genotype?Do you know theirs?How about the man in your life now?
Please make sure you are compatible(genotypically) with any man you intend marrying.

Herzumpther:
Mum suggested I do a village square meeting she knows I'm not that kind anyway but my dad is saying no even when she brings up the ish.

I will allow him come surely......hmmm lakes will have to defend his CVE 599 in front of my dad o. I know dad won't shout, he doesn't shout as he is not that kind, he picks his words and listens carefully. I won't tell lakes to prepare but to allow it flow naturally. He is an only son so I believe he should be able to flow naturally.

All I know is I can't start searching for an Igbo man, abi them get Igbo men tree I should go pluck my choice from?

What if you find the igbo man and you end up not happy with him?
Let him meet your dad first.He will flow naturally with him.

Herzumpther:
Good morning.

Just like ma'am kimoni suggested I wrote a letter before I slept I then dropped it in his car. He left for work by 4 because he has some suspect he is taking to court this morning. He sent me a text saying "Herz, I don't hate you or your friend, just remove your mind from there and go for a man from the east or somewhere else. I am your father and I want the best for you. You don't know the Yoruba's. I dont want to see him but if you insist I see him then no problem, I will see him but it really won't change anything. We will talk more when I return and please cook banga soup and pounded yam for me".


I think I'm beginning to understand his fears/why he is saying a big NO........now I understand.......well people can't be the same but it will take a long time to make dad see that.

Good morning everybody.

Let him see him first.He said it might not change anything but it can.
Of course he has his fears and a generalized opinion about the yorubas but his generation is not the same as now.
I'm sure your guy can give him a good impression.He's surely going to quiz him.

Cook him the banga soup and pounded yam first make him body cool down.
Don't forget to seek your mother's support.

Herzumpther:
I am expecting a visitor or .......but he is not coming to see me. I'm not sure I will want to be at home when he comes, I will just stay in church.

Be at home.When he comes,introduce him to your dad as your friend.

Chipeculiar:
mostly yes..bt we see on weekends mostly. am an igbo but grew up in yoruba land

There are people who say they can't marry someone with a deep accent and they walk from such relationships.
You will have to ask yourself if it is something you can live with.
Apart from the constant arguments,how is his character?
I think you both need to know how to have discussions and listen more rather than just reacting.

Herzumpther:
I'm presently serving.

Okay,I just wanted to know that you are not a student and in a good position to have a man visit your home.Let him meet with your dad now.Don't worry about your fear.You guys won't be the first in this kind of situation.You can just tell your dad you will be having a visitor.

Herzumpther:
Do you think he should just wait a bit? Maybe when he returns from his trip in April as hr intends traveling next week? Do you think my dad will be disappointed in me if he should come? I mean on Sunday? Do you think I should talk to dad again? The thing is I'm scared, maybe I should wait a bit.

Your dad might be angry or disappointed but I believe his anger or disappointment will fizzle out.

What do you do presently?I can't remember if you mentioned it.

Chipeculiar:
Goodevening everyone here, i av bin following up on this thread and i find it particularly interesting and expository. I need help on this issue....I'm in a relationship with a guy i met around august last yr....we've bin friends for a while now but communications have mostly being on phone. At first, I enjoyed the chats and calls but i later noticed some little things about him that i dont really like.....am more of an exposed person than him....from his igbotic voice to how he walks nd how he comments on some issues, i really dont appreciate. I understand that there's alot to give up for a rlship or marriage but now i feel that am going to have to teach him or complain abt many things abt him and he is already seeing me as one who is hard on him even tho he claims he is open to learning.....as at now....we quarel over little statements and all dat..my question is that, are all these normal when two persons are getting to know eachoda? ofcos he plans on getting marrid

Are you Igbo too?Is your communication still mostly on the phone?

Herzumpther:
And I told him everything. I told him dad has said I he won't let me marry him......I told him the way it is. He was speechless for over an hour before asking if I've given up already that made me run away the other day and I said no. He blamed me for not opening up all this while and said its alright. He said he will be coming to see my dad on Sunday and he just kept encouraging me not to give up on us, everything will be fine and one day we will look at today and laugh. Even though I was seeing the confusion/sadness in his eyes, he didn't want me to notice..........as usual he gave me the ice cream he bought for me before asking me to at leat collect the ring but I told him to wait till dad agrees.



Please he wants to come on Sunday o, should he come or wait a bit...dad.....I'm already scared of dad's reaction.

Should I talk to dad again before Sunday? I don't want to offend my dad.

Your dad will be angry but no matter what,the issue will be resolved at the end.Brace yourself for your dad's anger but it will fizzle eventually.
Your fiance should meet with your dad.Let him know he might not be well received at first but he's got to be a man meeting another man.He should leave a good impression too.
I have the feeling it will turn out well at the end.

Amuga:
Just imagine... i am really not happy and my hubby have warned me against hitting her. I just feel like slapping her every secound

No need hitting her.I'm sure she's an adult and has made her choice.She will live with the consequences whichever way it turns out.

delightful1:
I don't know how serious their relationship is but that doesn't even matter to me. Like I said, I'm not intending to fight for the relationship cos there's clearly nothing to fight for. Considering all that has happened, fighting for it will be foolishness on my part. He clearly isn't worth it (even though I love him).

I just wanted to know if It's right to want to have a talk with him, at least let me have/get the reason why we are breaking up? Weird? I just feel like venting cos all the while I never said anything about it.

I think you should still discuss it with him.However,have it at the back of your mind that he might not be sincere with you.Being abroad and having a fiance in Naija can get complicated except you are very disciplined.

Amuga:
Hmmmm, my concern is not him, how i wish she is not pregnant

Well she is pregnant and has to go ahead with having the baby.She should prepare herself for the worst.She might end up as a single mother here in Nigeria(or what they call the Naija wife) or just wait a long time before she unites with her hubby.She ought to have waited for a proper marriage before getting pregnant too.

Young girls need to always set their priorities right and be more logical about things like this rather than just emotional.Except if he is a guy you know so well before he travels and his mission abroad is well set out,don't just hook up with a guy going abroad.It can get real messy.

Where are the parents?Can't just watch a young boy slip away like that.

moca:
She is already married abi trado no count as marriage?
And most times,its gals that's supposed to be educated and intelligent that fall into this shyte.

I met lots of them. They always want to go down with u fast fast.
Wooing u with assorted foreign gifts and money(we call that love).
Carry u at d front seat of their spots and flashy car always.
Whatever u demand for,he is at ur service.
Love nwantinti.
Infact,I know uncountable number of gals in her shoe.
I wish her luck joor.
It is well.

She said they just did introduction.
I'm confused here,who is pregnant;the Op's sister or the SA lady?

Amuga:
Thank you op for creating a thread like. My younger sister is my major concern for now, someone may say this is a thread for personal issue, but since she is not an active member on nairaland i had to write on her behalf.
Her fiance happen to be in southAfrica and he came in november last year. They did their introduction that same month and the wedding is to take place in july.
The bone of contention is a lady tagged him on facebook that both of them are engaged and from her name she is a southAfrican lady. my sister confronted him and he agreed he knows the lady but want to use her to get something but they are not married. my younger sister and i that know about this and to make matter worse she is already pregnant for him. Hope he is making her his Nigeria wife?

Orisirisi.
Your sister's fiance is playing a dirty game.He's doing what he's doing because he wants a SA passport but is your sister ready for this kind of arrangement?She's pregnant for him already too.
Except your sister doesn't have anyone else she can marry,I don't know what she will still be doing with him.