₦airaland Forum

mapet:
1. This is the one of the notion that promote ills in families and society. If the wife claims emotional abuse, I probably will empatize, but to premise her staying in marriage on financial condition of the husband? Such a woman does not deserve to be in marriage.

2. My brother, respect "earned" by money is not respect, in fact it is sycophancy

Thanks. You are appreciated

Jabioro:
Leave that bitch good for nothing woman and see your life turned better,if you climbed that hill again you will never get down well.. don't listen to any religious or inspirational or this and that marriage preach.. just closed your heart and move on .You bless or curse me with this token later..

Jabioro! Tnx I appreciate you.

MamaEEE:
It might b a spiritual attack on ur marriage since you are coming from a broken home pray and hear from God... Let the HOLY SPIRIT direct you...
In other news, I know of friend who had this same issue in his marriage, wife left home tru the help of her mother after 2kids and was pregnant with another. Bcs the husband lost his job, this begged for close to 2years or more the wife and mother inlaw refused... The guy had to let go and move on with his life. Traveled on a trip to Abuja , met a girl der whom dey later got married and moved to Germany living happy...
As I speak to you the X wife is out der selling hand made liquid soap, her mum drove her out of the house that she is disturbing her make friends . She tried coming bck but the guy has moved on... She old by force, in her case she was manner less, no send her husband family... When she moved out told the guy she was no longer interested...
So in your case the decision is in your hands , if after praying she still refuse to come u no get chioce ooo, you have to move on, not a most u most re marry, focus on ur self and ur child... But first thing first get a JOB... All the best

Thank you for this comment Mamaeee. I really appreciate

Unrated900:
She asked you to give her time so as

If she will find someone better than you in short time and if she does not she will return

Did you invest while making money

Did you have a house on your own

Sell anything to stand up back to life

And let her go.

She has deny you when you needed her

If truly your stories are true then you will stand upright back in short time.

When God has lifted you back do not accept her anymore.

Thanks for the advise. Privilege to have a home of my own. Currently working as an agency banker in a remote location.

Mydazz:
Your problem right now is your finances not your wife's distance,...... if the kids are with her and they are being taken good care of then focus on getting back on your game financially. Because at the end of the day it's going to be one of the reasons she'll want to come back.
Use this free time to take bold steps.

Thanks

Kiezodumah:
Out of many replies, this one struck me. Upon seeing his post by OP my heart beat increased a bit and my mind quickly raced back to my own relationship. I just had to do a bit of thinking ; how we started,grew,understood each other, loved one another just to mention a fe. I had to think about these all in a flash. I then asked myself" hope is she isn't capable of this kind of story I am reading here?" .. I recalled there was a time I wasn't working for about 4 months. There was this perceived tension in me as man,in the air, in the relationship. I could feel it .Though I had some money but it was budgeted already and she knew about it.. I went for an interview to resume work the next month, she had started to remind me about some monetary duties. I was furious and didnt take it likely with her. We talked about it later and moved on.
This thread most ladies/ women would avoid it cos it just the truth. Why are women like this? Why is that when a man loses his job and perhaps the wife is working ,all hell would be let loosed but the case is not same when it reversed?.....
OP, the only reason you shud listen to those calling for divorce is on the grounds of infidelity ,otherwise nothing more. U think it's easy to dissolve a marriage ? Hope she is not cheating at her mum's place ?. Perhaps u guys u need to see a marriage counselor or therapist. It would do a great good. Women are the same in that aspect of job loss issues o. I tell u my broda.The wife wey still good sef go still support for sometime before u go begin dey see her Oda side .
A wife must be willing to support her husband in all aspects. She should also go and work . You ought to have sorted this out even before marriage. If she says odawise about this ,then na one chance woman u marry o. Just dissolve that marriage cos of ur children's future . For if u build a business fortress for this type, ur offsprings may not get the chance to inherit am. She go lavish the money.
All the best bro.

Tnx for the advise

tunjilana:
Oga...This woman never loved U...Stop punishing yourself and wasting ur energy

Firstly go hustle and when your hustle pure never ever think of taking her back...trust me that is what the mother meant by saying "go and find something doing...there is time to reconcile"....

Secondly make your child your priority...find a way to be involved and let it be very clear that she is not your concern but ur child...get a lawyer if possible and document your terms of settlement...i.e. what u will fund and when and how u will access ur son...Dont show any anger, love or emotion what so ever...just come for your son...

Thirdly...start mingling and dating...this time ignore liabilities for anything serious....Any woman u want to considee marrying should have a meaningful means of livelihood...to achieve this u must have a meaningful means of livelihood too....

Let her stop occupying your mind...focus on improving yourself and meeting new women

Thanks for the brilliant contribution

victorazyvictor:
Oga pretend you dont care and focus of looking for another way of earning money to revive your life again. Stop chasing woman and focus your life. MAKE CASH AND SEE HER CROWLING ON HER KNEELS BEGGING U UPANDAN

Thanks

Golden41:
better my bro. Just make urself better. And if u discover she's cheating on u. Divorce her. Am a woman too. I hate what I don't like

Thank you Golden41. God bless you real good.

[quote author=blindjustice13 post=80411707][/quote]Thanks so much blindjustice13. Your words are highly appreciated

400billionman:
Money stops bullshit.

Secondly, stop giving her attention.

You are fuelling her stupidity...

Husband scarce, your own con dey misbehave.

You are right 400billionman. Its my mum that has been doing the pleading and visiting and av told her to stop, she won't listen. I last communicated and saw her on Jan 1st new year day.

dokiOloye:
The fact that he doesn't have any of d regular guys' vices is why d wife is still staying out cos she feels he's harmless.
If she hear say some other chicos done de sleep over for her matrimonial bed, na speed she go use run come house.

The problem is I find it difficult to indulge in such. Its not part of me. However, if its gonna yield result, its worth trying; am actually the guilty culprit here and don't wanna further complicate issues. Thanks for the advice too

themanderon:
The fact you are from a broken home shows you need serious prayers to save your marriage as the demons that attacked your parents marriage are coming for yours.
These things are very much real and if not stopped they will come for your children too when the time comes. Though many will not believe it but I'm saying this from experience.
Also its good before your pick a lady to check out the kind of woman she has as a mother because usually mother's have a very profound influence in a lady's life. Did you not check out her ma and know the kind of woman she was before tying the knot?

Her mum was very pleasant, though a 'no nonsense' person

gulfer:
That's why you have no ally in the family, yu should try reaching out to an elder (prefarably male) in the extended family.

Thanks bro

SlimzDboss:
Bros she is yours since you already married her. Money or no money go claim her back and bring her home then talk senses into her.

Thanks

Hipsofagoddess:
You're saying "wow... Thank you, " thank God you admitted you use negative words on her when provoked. Do you know what that does to a woman? Especially one of her age? Emotional abuse is the worse kind of abuse anyone can face. The words will keep resounding in your ears even years later. Who knows what you said to her that made her leave.

Let me tell you the truth, nature has made it that for married couples, the man should be the head and sole provider of the family especially if you guys started your marriage that way. And when you lost your job, the reaction was normal of a typical woman. It was your responsibility as a man to assure her that you'll get something better.

You are the man, the leader. A leader is always in the business of reassuring his followers. But what did you do? You turned into a fellow woman and was trading words with her.

If you want her back and you have her phone number, recall every single negative word you said concerning her and send her a text apologizing for each of them. You can also choose to visit her and apologize.

To think she even had to take up a teaching job to help out and you are here painting her black. Men should never go verbal on their wives if they want peace. It's a woman thing. If you do it, your wife will begin to feel she is living with a fellow woman, and you know how women hardly stay together. She will leave (if she is peaceful) or make life unbearable for you in her own little way.

You have been trying to get her back because you know she is a good woman, even though not the best. Why don't you drop your ego, apologize genuinely, and pray continually to God to lift you?

Your words are harsh, but truthful. I really appreciate the hard truth. You are a psychologist, you said it as it is. This is exactly what is going on.

nurex01:
I would advice you to marry a little girl again. If she comes, welcome. If you don't love her again that is the end. Please, just look for means to take care of your children. Don't let her give you emotional distress. I'm sure by the time you're able to find a humble lady, you would have forgotten the past. I pray God provide job too

Tnx for the encouragement, nurex01

bigx:
She isn't mature

Hence, the perceived abuse. She frustrates me to provocation

Jamescosmas:
u are the cause of ur problems..u are one hell of abuser .. u don't provide for her and the child and she is trying to put up with u and u still abuse her verbally..put urself in her position ..I speak from know , once abuser always abuser ...u open ur mouth and say all sorts of things to her without even thinking of what u are saying...At the end u killed her spirit ..And u are here telling us u lost ur job..u lost ur job is not the problem but u urself is the problem..... u insult her and her family at will ...u need a doctor.. or u go get busy... once abuser always abuser...

Thank u for being truthful, but I could not agree less. You are damn right! But av learnt my lesson and changed for good. It was my emotions controlling me leading to anger being expressed by unguided utterances.

IkpuMmadu:
This is not tribal here...I am not going tribal but this looks like a Yoruba marriage. ...it is always the wife going to maami ...and they would welcome her back . How can you give a runaway wife room in your house without hearing from the man

Bros tell me the truth ....your wife must be Yoruba !

From the root with can attend it. If it's a cultural thing, I am sorry there is nothing I we can do

We are both Yoruba's. Na your papa born u bro

Innobee99:
Stop calling her for the next ten months too and see how dem go dey rush dey beg u make u come take ur wife.

To be sincere, I stopped visiting and calling in January

[quote author=felixawe post=80410862][/quote]Thanks. Appreciate

toprealman:
To the Pastor Adebayo that said if you are unemployed that you should not marry......come and read this!
You can have the best job today......what of tomorrow?
Brother, swallow your pride. Go to their house and have a one on one with her.......then involve external parties for a "way forward talk". Set a deadline for her to return.....let her know your intentions. Be AS EXPLICIT AS POSSIBLE.
Stick to it.......better days ahead man. This too shall pass.

Thanks bro

alen4smith:
that thing you hold so dear may just be the obstacle to your progress. Get a grip bro and prove them wrong!

Exactly my thoughts!

Ibk2048:
Don't you think its better to remarry than loosing your life to a that don't worth it? If she comes back, I bet she's going to be bossy, autocratic and want to dominate every decisions. This from experience.

Thanks. I will take my decision in October, which would be a year of her exit. I appreciate

emkz:
Apologies bros for my apparent insensitivity. I have observed in this forum as self-consolidated devils masquerade as pastors, hoodwinking people with tales that are untrue. It is quite gratifying to note that a few people like you are honest.

Firstly, I am sorry that you are faced with this predicament. Truly, being hurt by the person you love can be beyond painful. Until you are in crisis, you won't know who your true friends are (including your wife). As things stand, that woman is not on your side. Yet, the responsibility to stay or leave is yours alone. Some pointers: do you wish to be with someone who would be there only for the goodies? Do you wish to be traumatized because you are in doubt that your wife genuinely loves you?

Secondly, bros, she left you even though it is temporary. Keep your dignity intact and don't ever beg her or send emmisaries to her again. She'd disrespect you even more. They are wired like so. Don't allow yourself to be used to inflate the zero self-esteem of a woman with low intelligence. Even though you don't have money, don't let anyone rob you of your dignty and self-esteem. I am not talking of how society thinks towards you, I am talking about how you think towards yourself. Once she said yes to you, she had to forsake her mother. It was you after God.

Lastly, high blood pressure and stress-induced ailments are deadly. They kill slowly. Take care of your health. If na love, I can tell you that love rests on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. Don't ever trade your peace of mind for someone who does not appreciate you. Don't even try to force someone to appreciate you. If they don't, take your efforts elsewhere. Don't ever show some women you can be vulnerable, until you meet the right woman. There is no coming back from there. Take this experience as a lesson and next time you are with a woman, let her be with you for the right reasons. Don't kowtow to this one.

emkz, I appreciate your comment. I need to check my bp sef.

Kirinwa:
How long did you date before marriage and did you notice such traits? Love could be blind.

A year plus. Traits not noticed

yeyeosoronga:
You listed all your wife and mother-in-law's faults with great flourish, and just quickly, briefly mentioned your own faults of verbal and emotional abuse.
I'm sure she didnt lie on you that you've been insulting her and the family.
A man who has lost his job is very hard to live with as many start having insecurities and would lash out at those close to them.
Go work on your temper and look for a job. Let your wife be, allow her build her self esteem and worth you've destroyed with your mouth. The marriage is long gone

Bitter truth.thanks.this really got me

favour32:
My young man,self preservation is the first rule of survival.
(1)Make yourself happy as only you have the key.
(2)Regulate your emotions (love if someone loves you and do not love if someone do not love you)--apply Newton third law of motion.
(3)Try to be stable financially because it's the focal point.
(4)Go through as many people's opinions as possible and take the final decision about your life (first rule applies here).
(5)Do not try to be holy for anyone or to please the world.


WARNING:
No perfection,hence,do not expect from anybody.
Work only with those who are willing to work with you: money or no money.
Avoid emotional turbulence as much as possible because it's a silent killer.
You have got the best advice yourself because he who wears the shoe knows where it hurts.

Thanks for this brilliant encouragement. I will do as u have said

Omega30:
That shows, never marry an emotionally weak woman and hide money from a woman when dating and see if she can tolerate it

Exactly

gbagyiza:
If she has been brought up well, she could not have left you now. She could have stood by u in this time of your financial instability. U may be having little issues n quarrels but she will not move out of your house now that you r down financially. And you said she is faithful, I don't want to put fear in your heart but let me tell u d truth if care is not taking for her to stay that long out of her matrimonial home, she may cheat on you soon because she is now exposed to such n that may bring down the Union. I don't wish you that but may d Lord rescue your family n bring you guys back. Best wishes.

Thanks. I appreciate

AreaFada2:
Did you say entice? How? Lots of women are just out there looking for "comfortable men" and economic security. Period.

How do you exactly know that a girl showering you with love is doing it for your money only? It could still be real. Even "genuine" women do not necessarily want to marry or date into poverty. Agreed genuine love is very scarce commodity now and we all know it.

Yes some settle for less comfortable men when panic sets in due to age/pressure to marry.

Women should try to be honest in cases like this. Its not about defending one's gender every time.

Look, if 60% of what OP said is true, the wife and the mother weighed up Op's economic situation leading up to the marriage. They never reckoned with losing his job one day.

Which serious mother encourages her daughter to stay away from her marital home when not under threat to her life and welfare?

From the way life currently is, every responsible man should try to be economically stable before marriage. Because let's face it, without a decent income only very few can find love and marriage to be relatively peaceful.

Unless Op is lying to us, the marriage has just experienced its first difficulty (money) and the wife is not there to stand by her hubby.

Look, a large number of women, both wives & gfs, begin to exhibit strange behaviours when money is tight. What you never knew they were capable of. Exceptions are VERY few.

Your other suggestions to give it a try is commendable BUT the marriage is not looking good long term. Because most marriages face several challenges. This is barely surviving the first major one.

Only the kid involved makes it worth trying to resuscitate, otherwise it's not looking great.

I understand some women prevent their daughters from enjoying their marriages.

Which serious mother encourages her daughter to stay away from her marital home when not under threat to her life and welfare?

I heard she told them a lot of things that I said I would kill her