₦airaland Forum

Go young, young man, go young - Part III

It's relatively hard these days - not least because of the financial climate and the fact that maturity seemingly comes later? - for men to be “stable” enough to be ready for marriage much before 30. And more men are being pushed to the 35 – and even beyond - age range.

Most tend to be “bulge bracket”. Not fantastically rich celebs, or well-connected scions of well to-do families that can fast-track them, or ensure they are well situated, or simply guarantee a comfortable life whatever happens.

Those “above” the bulge bracket, and those who by sheer hard work or good fortune are able to move out of it, or at least rise to being the cream of it, will – with all due regard – have a wider, and for the most part, best choice of partners.

This is just normal, not least because women naturally gravitate towards them. Status pure and simple. For lots of women, anything below the cream is second best, and many strive to partner at that level for as long as possible.

When it dawns on her that, marriage – and children - are still a must, but wedlock to a cream+ is no longer a maybe – they all married younger, prettier, higher value women – they turn to plan B. You .

You. Who has finally gotten it together enough to get married. The hustle is paying off and you’ve scaled the ladder a bit – with the definite possibility of growing your status some more. You need someone who will appreciate your efforts, work with you, and support you being the man in your home.

Are you really going to marry someone of the same age who will be fixated on having children? Having had her focus on living it up, marring up, or moving up corporately? Are you are satisfied that she's an outlier; remains fantastically fit, has little or no baggage and isn't marrying you even a little bit out of desperation?

That even if she has totally routine births and has only 2, she will not balloon and transfer most of her affection to her kids (named after the cream that got away )- while her libido decamps? Perhaps relocates permanently, when she convinces herself she could have done better and deserves more?

If you going to be shamed into marrying your age-mate - unless that is your absolute informed choice - due to the fear of being called agbaya or grilled by parents? Then you are obviously not the man I'm writing to.

When I met and woo'ed my wife, I met all her family and presented myself accordingly. Of course I had to engage and get to know them, suffer the minor indignity of traipsing around sundry relatives homes and making an appearance at family occasions. All the while glad-handling and making small talk.

But I wouldn't be brought low, or take - directly or indirectly - ridicule. Why should I? The next in line - who had been in front of my WTB, but mis-judged - was keen to come back. And even though I love my wife to bits and am wonderfully blessed, I have no doubt I could have made a great marriage with her also - and she was even younger. Who can shame a confident man with the right bearing and approach?

It’s would seem to me, better to wife someone who appreciates you as a catch, and not a consolation. It would be better with someone coming into her prime and not someone past it. Better with someone you can strategically set your sights with and not someone who tactically settles for you.

By all means, regard her parents, but they didn’t make you and they can’t marry her. And even if you don't marry her, you will marry se?

As ever, feel free to ignore me, I’m just musing .



TV

Ewuro4:
TV01... I'm not gonna drag it with you when your our princess introduce her age mate to you as her fiancé, hold your hand back you hear?

Generally speaking and without factoring for outliers - at 25, her age mates won't be ready. At 35, they won't be interested.


TV

^{...as an aside, although I speak mainly to men, I believe my position is also best for women. My daughter will be raised to understand that her best opportunity to make the best marriage will generally be somewhere between 22 & 28. She'll be shown why and understand how to best go about it. What she ultimately does will be her choice. I will discharge my duty.}

LordReed:
Well said. How can a C be an O? A broken circle is no longer a circle.

Thanks. Those that grasp marriage - and what it means to be a husband or wife - in it's essence are not swayed by this this nonsense.

troy20:
but frankly why even get married.since the evil patriachy is more evident in marriage why dont you feminists advocate for the distruction of marriage and save us all the gory tales.hit the problem at its roots.am at lost really.

The destruction of marriage and the family is one of the objectives of feminism. And feminists want the "patriarchy" (by which they mean men, but it's really the male led ageement between men and women) to stop telling women what to do, so that they can.


TV

jarkbauer:
About 6 months ago my wife started refusing sex. In the last 6months we have had sex only 4 times. I asked her why and she told me her libido is dead. She doesn't feel like having sex. I am at loss. Any woman with this kind of problem. To help her, I asked if she has any fantasy we could fulfill just to spice our sex life and she told me she doesn't have any sexual fantasy.she hardly think about sex. That's why ask in another thread if women usually have sexual fantasy. We are married for 2 years and have 2 kids.

May I ask you a few questions? Totally understand if you would rather not. If you answer no to the first one, then leave it anyway.

1. Are you intent on restoring things?
2. How old are you and your wife
3. How old are the kids - particualrly the last one
4. How would you describe things before the "refusal"? Particulalry sex-wise; frequent, occasional, steady rate or reducing?
5. Has there been any trauma? Especially of a type that damages the spousal relatioship.
6. If yes, was it properly resolved?
7. Is your family pressured for any reason? Finances, childcare, accomodation etc.
8. What kind of physical shape are you in?
9. Likewise for you wife.


TV

prinwa:
Initially when we got married he told me he will prepare my papers, which he did but it didn't work, because i already had my daughter, so the embassy said that he doesn't. Have enough income to take care of me and his daughter. We kept on trying over and over again but nothing. Seems to work. Now i have another baby who is 11months old. My daughter gave him alot of space. My concern now is that he told me February this year that when he gets back to Europe that he will apply for his citizenship, so that it will be easy for him to take us. Up till this moment he has not applied for it. He is taking good care of financial, i won't deny that. But i need companionship, i need a man in my life. I feel empty with out him. I don't want my children to grow without their father.

And you have every right to expect and demand that in marriage.

There may well be a case of shakey foundations - were things fully disclosed, discussed understood and agreed? Having said that, situations change, and your expectations are reasonable and legitimate. I really feel for you.

You need to engage your husband directly on this - preferably face to face. If his next visit is imminent, plan towards it. State exactly what you have above. Tell him about your needs, your desires - all rightful - and the frustration, temptations, and of course welfare of your children.

As much as I hate involving 3rd parties, it may be an idea to discuss first with your parents and then possibly have a fuller meeting with his, and sit down with hubby whne he's back. I hope they don't have any entrenched attitudes in favour of this kind of arrangement or bias due to support they recieve from him.

If it is not imminent, I think he should be impressed upon to bring his next trip forward as soon as possible. There are a number of worries here;

It could genuinely be difficulties regularising his papers. You need to know the steps required, the action being taken and timelines. It could be it's easier for him to live there and fund your staying at home.

The initial effort to establish or stabilise a family can be huge. But this begs questions about how he is satisfying his intimacy needs? And emphasis should always be on the kids, kids, kids. The earlier they are over there, the better they adapt.

He may well think bringing you to Europe may change the dynamic of your relationship. The truth is, men are at the mercy of their wives here and he may have seen some scary things.

And be willing ot think creatively and ahead. Is there a case for him returning home?

Whatever the case, it's best that you are exactly clear on the situation, then you can plan accordingly and hopefully look forward to the time you'll be together.

I commend you for the sacrifices you have made for the union and wish you and your family all the very best.


TV

Men,

I hope you've read and digested. Please be clear, I am not being prescriptive, not demanding you adhere to my theory or forcing my viewpoint on you. I am merely sharing or at most suggesting possibilities.

My first demand of men has always been that "you take responsibility". Whatever you do, be that you swallow it wholesale, tailor and apply accordingly, or dismiss it out of hand, that’s your right, responsibility though, lies squarely with you.

Having posted part 1, I think I erred in trying to respond to all rejoinders, especially as many were plain strawmen and others driven by vested interests or not really related, or deserving of a response. Following up part 2, I will do two things; 1. Respond to specific worthwhile questions and challenges from men, 2. Coalesce points that are worth expounding on from the wider audience.

But first let me say this; I could shorten this for you and simply say thus; be a God-fearing spirit led man and be sure to marry someone of similar bent. Or this; be a GFSLM and marry a woman who is stongly socialised culturally, or religiously, to honour marriage, and/or is clear that she is willing for, and expects you to lead.

That will work - and work well for some, however, you still have to understand and manage the dynamic to maximise your enjoyment of the marriage. So first up; I'll say a bit more on hypergamy

Ewuro4:
Hmm Hypergamy.. Only a big deal with Nigerians.

damiso:
Hypergamy or marrying for status as TV on the part of the woman is more prevalent in the younger generation.

Believe the above at your peril. Hypergamy is and has been universal. What kept it in check was societal conventions and morés. driven largely by culture and religion.

Hypergamy is not new, has not gone away, is not restricted to peculiar generations of women, or present only in isolated or random countries. What has changed is the morés and conventions keeping it in check.

And not only is it not yet a big deal in Nigeria - although it increasing - the West is the best place to look to see it in all its glory. Feminism has done such a good work that it is now clearly institutionalised - and at play whenever men and women engage.

In a simple sense, hypergamy is just women availing themselves of sex (ideally with the best available men) - leading to children and provision for themselves and said offspring. Historically they got this, but were constrained - as above - from not fulfilling their part of the deal.

They did get provision - and children, and the men got children and sex in a monogamous relationship. Divorce and single motherhood, were frowned upon and stigmatised, and came with at a cost to the woman and her family.

Now a woman can marry you, have children for you and with "no fault divorce" decide she's wants out. And she will be allowed out, and allowed to keep the home you at least in part – if not wholly - paid for, and your children - you will get to keep providing. Deal?

Hypergamy is entrenched in the law - and you are subject to it. Choose wisely. Funny isn't it, divorce and single motherhood are no longer an issue. And why should they be? With hypergamy legally codified, women still get their end of the bargain. You lose.

Not only can she have you forcibly removed from your home, she can prevent you seeing your children - even if the courts order it - and if she decides to be particularly spiteful, have you queried on domestic violence and child abuse allegations.

Historically - and prior to testing being available - we had what was termed "presumed paternity". Any child born to a married couple was presumed to be fathered by the husband. And in the event of divorce, the father as the main provider got custody. Not any more.

Did you know that there are moves afoot to stop presumed fathers DNA testing for confirmation of paternity? Unless they have the mothers permission. Did you know that even if you test and the child is not yours judges can, and have, ordered such men to pay support - in one case even when the childs real father was living with the mother?

On a larger scale, the benefits that single mothers receive, where do you think they come from? Yes, the government - by way of men in the form of taxes. The welfare state is largely a transfer of wealth from men to women and children.

Please choose wisely. Once you are in, she holds all the aces and you've little chance of prevailing if things turn ugly. The women claiming hypergamy ain't a thing are probably well intentioned and great wives I'm sure, but I'm not certain they are best placed to advise men.


TV

Go young, young man, go young II

I’ll continue the discussion about age differentials & sex as warranted but I wanted to touch on another reason – possibly even more important - why an appropriate age differential is a good thing.

Status:
Whatever women say to the contrary they typically want to partner with men of higher status. Now, by status, we can mean a number of things, or a multi-faceted thing.

Power, wealth, academic achievement, societal respect or recognition in the main, but not excluding others such as physical attributes, peculiar talents/skills, occupation, etc. Emphasis can be different from place to place, and cultures may stress or favour one or other.

It can mean personality in the short term, but in a marriage type situation, over time, wifey go "see you finish", so a great personality, won't hide character flaws or behavioural problems. Funny, many women fall for personality.

At an individual level, it may also vary dependant on circumstances; so for example, an independently rich woman, may not place as much emphasis on earnings or potential.

Now, status is particularly important to women - and relevant to men - because it informs female attraction.

As a rule, women lose attraction for men who they consider lower status – compounding by the fact that they will typically blame you if they feel they deserve more than you are offering, or they could have done better without you, or with someone different. Regardless of if this is in fact true or not.

When a women starts to think as above, a number of things can potentially happen

1. She will constantly test him and drag headship and otherwise nag and make your life a misery
2. She will be more prone to stray and be receptive to the “higher status” men she comes into contact with
3. You are more likely to be cuckolded
4. In countries where the law favours women, she will be more likely to “Wexit” – wife exit – the marriage using divorce laws – potentially leaving you struggling.

The main exceptions to this rule are women who are well socialised culturally or religiously to always defer to male headship, or for some other reason cannot stray or leave.

But even here, unless they are super so, their disgruntled state will manifest in the union, and it won’t be as happy as it could be. Fact “many unions exist in a state of low level conflict”, your higher status and the respect it engenders can help obviate that.

When a woman truly respects you, you will be able to tell by how she treats you – she’ll look to please you and be sexually responsive (ATBE i.e. health, pregnancy etc.).

As a man, it’s imperative that you are able to provide for your home as much as possible. Not to say your wife cannot make a contribution, but it’s primarily your responsibility.

The easiest way to lose status is to not be able to provide. Women may claim about sexual failings, but they hate nothing more than a “useless” man – one who cannot provide.

Being older, will help you be more established, mature and able to deal with the dynamics of marriage better. You’ll earn more respect and status as your demonstrate long-term visionary and strategic thinking. And hopefully, employ any assets you have to ground the union.

Additionally, there will be a natural respect for an older, more mature, more established man – but you must live up to this as above, and dealing with her wisely.

If anything, I’d say if at all possible, marry a woman who earns less. If economics means you need a high-earning wife, try to increase your income, increase to match, or get a well socialised one. And demonstrate status in other areas.

For example, Tony Blairs wife earned more, but he was PM. If you marry a high earning investment banker and you are highly regarded in academic circles – move from Lecturer to Dr or Prof.

Decipher what women say and what they want. When they say “equality in the marriage”, they don’t want to equally share or stress about provision or financial stability.

They want to claim equal contribution, but be secure that if they wanted to go open a boutique or take 2 year off to raise the kids, they wouldn’t suffer an impaired lifestyle. They want to claim equal decision making, but the buck stops with you if major endeavours go k-legged.

Do chores all you want, but they don’t enhance your status in lieu of the big ticket items. If you lose yourself in her emotions, she will punish you for her feelings. Don’t focus primarily on making her happy, strive to be a good husband and father. And of course God first – and make sure she knows it – Pastor is also status !


TV

jaybee3:
Surely that must have been one of the drivers with the current rise of feminism.

Equal pay for equal work = Fairness of economic rights

The gender pay gap was debunked almost 30 years ago - there may be some residual bad attitudes, but no structural impediments to equal pay. Plus therer are lots of policies that mitigate against it and penalise it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EK6Y1X_xa4

I wasn't one of the drivers, but a trope feminism ceaselessly pushes


TV

Kimoni:
The new woman is younger but not hotter...for real

My sister, younger is necessarily hotter !


TV

^{...small trolling}

Kimoni:
Sure I got you.

I know quite a few too oo and you wouldn't even know. Don't mind TV jare. If all men were like TV, so many women will not be married in this world. His list is endless - single mothers, matured singles, matured married...widows and divorces should not even bother...awon aye

it's a market. I help men properly package, price and market their goods. All things being equal, why would you advise your brother to marry a single mum or a divorccee or an older woman Part 2 is coming.


TV

damiso:



you people wont kee me

That yetunde bustline sef no try the guy even had pot belly yuk yuk eewwwww

Excuse me If it wasn't what the guy was after - papers acording to Jaybee- she could not have snared him in the first place. Belly is not a disqualifier for men . Isn't the new woman younger and hotter. The bro' has some sort of status. You lot won't gree me !


TV

jaybee3:
But that's usually the underlying reason for their fight. Didn't the fight actually start from the demand for "equal pay for similar work" ish?

Two slightly different things. Earnings in marriage against pay in the workforce. Earnings in marriage is not what predicates the feminsit push for equality in marriage. It's an absolute, they do not beleive a man should lead.

A "gender" pay gap due to structural faults/bias is discriminatory. Equal work for equal pay. But any structural impediments have been removed a long-time ago, and any pay gap is now due to womens choices, not discrimination.


TV

bukatyne:
I hear my senior colleagues talk, I know that older men and women are just kids in adult bodies

Most people stop maturing mentally around age 26. Not long to go now !


TV

bukatyne:
A 23yr old lady with a 27yr old guy are still considered in the same age range.

Bukatyne please na.

An "age range" can be set at any point one chooses. Like school years are from September to August. "Age mates" is much more narrowly defined and is nowhere given as up to 5 years. Next we will hear those of the same generation are age mates.

To join a regberebge it's range, does not make you all mates.

TV

Kimoni:
Coogar, matured married sef dey now. Yetunde Bustline is a good example of mature married . (Matured and once married)

And we can see the men flocking to her and how she has her pick of available and unavailable men - oh wait, he left her for a younger woman and never had a long term interest in her to begin! A man her age will still collar a hot young(er) wife.


TV

Kimoni:
Except you are talking of outliers, the general view is that the higher you go in your career or business, the more money and comfortable you become. But with the word "ultimately" you added, well yes, financial status would even out ultimately but she won't also be young by then.
First, my point is "younger". Secondly Does marrying younger mean your earning cease to grow or your potential goes unfullfilled?

[quote author=Kimoni post=36395308]Right and wrong. Yes, finances and other qualities shouldn't outrightly determine headship but where you are officially ceding your manly responsibilities to your wife, there would be consequences. It's like selling your birthright. I believe this is where feminists get a lot of their strength from

First, there are a number of scenarios and a number of responses;
1. A man provides all
2. A man provides majorly
3. A man provides minorly
4. A woman provides all.

In none of the first 3 does a man have to cede headship due to finances. Yes, it can and does lead to issues, but the mans approach was probably suspect to begin with.

Secondly, whatever the case, there are still women socialised though culture or religion that will not challenge the husbands headship.

As for feminsits, their push for equality is not based on earnings. Otherwise you are saying that feminists only demand equality in marriage where the wife earns as much or more. Independent earnings by a wife help it though.


TV

Kimoni:
The younger female singles are more likely to tick this box before marriage than the older singles. As a man, the lower you go, the higher the probability that you will be the sole breadwinner.

I see your reasoning here as faulty;
Younger does not mean that they will not ultimately be higher earning. Bukatyne please explain to Kimoni !
And younger couples have increased scope and time

Kimoni:
And this is the reason why many guys will not marry young these days. They just don't have the means to provide fully for the home. But where you go for a matured single, she will be better able to share some of those responsibilities with you, down to the very basic ones sef. Well, times are hard so guys prefer this model now. Just that like I said earlier, you might then have to compromise on your "headship" or those things you consider ur basic right as the man of the house. Like the lady saying she would hire a chef and guys descended on her, but it's reality. He who plays the piper dictates the tune abi? But when two people are jointly playing the piper nko? They must both dictate the tune.

The first thing my FIL asked my husband then when he took me to him as his wife-to-be was - are you sure you are able to provide for this lady and the children that will come out of this union? That question is becoming more and more irrelevant these days.

I see this as right in part and wrong in part. I noted in an earlier response to Edwife that early marriage is increasingly difficult and noted to Naijababe about the need for 2 income houselholds.

That does not change womens desires for men of higher status and good providors. And where wives contribute, men stil typically contribute more and are still tasked with overall financial responsibility. Further, a financial lack will always be his fault andd weigh more heavily on him, regardless of the respective contributions.

And finances - nor looks, height, education, family pedigree or any other thing - do not determine headship. And a man that cede's headship to his wife is opening a can of worms for himself. I'll touch on that in part 2 if you'll let me get there !


TV

bukatyne:
I am serious.

Going by his message,

He feels it is better for a 40yr old man to marry a 30yr old than a 30yr old marry a 27yr old.

Relatively and in the long run, yes! Your task is to show differently if you can. I did not say a man should wait till 40 or 40 is the best age for a man.


TV

bukatyne:
same could be said for you.

You married your wife @ 30. On NL, a 30 yr old single is seen as 'an cargo' and 35 already experienced menopause

You are not even campaigning against marrying younger women; you are saying men should marry women about 10+yrs younger (2 different things)

A 35yr old woman is not old for a 50yr old man etc. while she will be considered 'old' on a normal day.

You married a mature single i.e. MOM whom you were older than by 10+ years.

You need to change your message

My mesage was for a better quality sex life within marriage, men should marry women younger than them. Which part needs changing?


TV

naijababe:
I have a small circle of friends, always have and if I were to go by my circle of friends over the last 20 years, my friends and I have always been about intelligence, respect and ambition.............in fact one of my 'toasters' back in the day was Obj's son, met him in 98 well before his dad became president up until his dad head became head honcho and he started to cruise around town. If anything his status changed nothing on my part. He is a very brilliant chap, graduated with a first and went to Cambridge to do a PhD. None of my friends ever asked me why I didn't date him.

Mr Naijababe asked me out around the same time and I preferred him even if he was penniless and wore 'tontinrin' trousers. I am aware that many women choose their mates on the basis that you stated but I don't think it can be considered the norm.

I won't gainsay your romance, but even to be in your circle - or how did Bukatyne put it? - he had to be of a certain calibre. He had to have something doing and/or potential. You probably took it as read and looked further down the list of criteria. Or I could just ask why ambition & intelligence where important as criteria

naijababe:
I beg to differ, this is just your opinion. I can state an opposite position, if anything, the people I know who married someone with a kid are men, I am sitting here trying to remember any woman I know that did so and can't come up with any.

Differing is what keeps convo moving ! Having a kid out of wedlock has an impact on marital value in terms of chances and quality - more so for women. I have no problem with a different opinion and will not doubt individual experience. Maybe we should look for data.

naijababe:
All of the above is true for both sexes.................lol at not being able to date, you went on the wrong dates, I have gone on dates where I paid my part of the bill happily..............in fact, one guy turned around and told his friend that I was arrogant because I offered to split the bill

Not in the same order.
You were happy to pay your share. he would have gladly paid all. And a man with no money can't ask a girl out - especially expecting her to foot the bill.

TV

edwife:
It is not hard,all my brothers married before 30.In French countries,that's is the normal age for marriage. A 19-21 years old wife will be a nightmare.But at least you said ,he can go a little older.

Not hard, in that men are incapable, just the difficulties that many may face. If marriage culture was what I think it should be, we'd all be prepared for marriage much earlier. I am a fan of early marriage and appreciate the earlier the marriage the closer in age the couple are likely to be.

A 19 year old needn't be a nightmare, any more than a 27 year old will be immature. It's about readiness. Old women can be nightmares too. Do you mean francophile WA nations?

edwife:
Now you make it seems that you are all about sex in marriage.Is sex the only factor that should keep a man married?

Absolutely not. But I specifically noted how this discussion focused on the benefits of the age difference for a married mans sex life.

edwife:
Many women have come here on NL to complain about their husband lack of "pleasuring" them in bed,and we all read from men that she should be patient with him,or teach him what she wants.Can't the man do the same?

I acknowledge that, and I am happy to discuss ways to forestall it and potential remedies. That is what I am doing here. Even with my reccomendation, it doesn't mean there wil not be issues. The maturity will also help cope with and resolve those. And that is not an age-difference related issue per se.

edwife:
As long as you acknowledge that she was sexy and definetely more together than most twenty somethings,she can be another man choice.

Exactly. I speak to men making the best and most well considered choices. My opinion of someone I'nm not interested in does not matter.

edwife:
I have seen many twenty somethings looking older and fatter than most 30s'.

I wouldn't be interested or advise men to go for those ones either. Although they'd be easier to work with than older, fatter women, and less likely to be fatter.

Don't forget that I have tasked men to be prospects themselves. To be fit, focused, monogamous, willing and mostly able to provide for their families. Why would they strive for that and not have choice?

No one denies women the right to want tall or rich, or want a Dr, or IT consultant or to be treated like a princess ! In some senses it's a market and one should properly value their goods.


TV

naijababe:
If potential/current pocket size is important to women in general as you put it, what then is important to men in general? This is not a rhetoric, I am genuinely curious and wish to know.

Where have you been? Working out, juicing and making money - young men take note !

A mans ability to provide, or future potential to do so, has to be paramount for a woman that wants a family - and doesn't come with huge independent wealth of her own. That would be most women no? And, she'd be silly to not check the economic viability and fitness - in many respects, why do women typically want tall? - of the man who would father her children.

Men have other criteria. Yes in a long list, some criteria will be the same/overlap, but the hierarchy is different. I've mentioned kids out of wedlock as one example. may be important to both, but generally it's more of a deal-breaker for men.

Men look for fertility - typically presented as youth or beauty. That would possibly rank first. Amply evidenced by the many men who marry a woman based solely on looks.

Further down, would come things like fidelity, respect, intelligence etc. Money was never really an issue - and yes we do have male diggas/social climbers - which is why when I was broke, I couldn't date, but women just need a clean dress .

I know times are a-changing and the financial climate make it hard for the average family to survive on one salary, and men to be in a position to marry as early as previously, but that's my basic take.


TV

edwife:
Yes he is talking about a man 40+.

The man was 40+ years older than his wife - wife #4 - and almost 90? I don't see how that falls within the outline I suggested !

edwife:
Now my question to you: Who will a 27 years old marry then?a 19-20 years old girl?

It's hard for a 27 year old to be properly ready, but certainly possible. The half your age +7 rule would suggest about 21'ish. But the range you gave would be fine - IFF they were both ready. Likewise, if he went a bit older, no problem - but I wouldn't advise it ATBE

edwife:
if you are 40 and married a 30 years old woman-that same 30 years giving you pleasure in bed won't be able to give the same pleasure to a 35 years old?

Yes she will be able to - but men have to think strategically and not just in the moment. You marry her at 30 and she has 2 or 3 kids. That will change a lot about her physique and libido.

A 30 year old man marries a 30 year old woman and they have 2 kids in 5 years. She goes from babe to frump quick time, there will also be a lot of sexual downtime during and after the pregnancy. His sex life is at best patchy, her libido will likely be down. He is frustrated - just when he is hitting his stride and attaining higher status.

edwife:
So tv will your wife still look appealing to a 28 years old man?

As a 28 year old man I wouldn't marry my wife now, but yes I'd acknowledge she was sexy and beddable, and definitley more together than most twenty somethings, but not a long-term best choice.


TV

edwife:
Thank you,we are getting somewhere.

That depends on where you want to go !

edwife:
So if men libido drops with age and not forgetting our brothers who develop protruded belly,because we must admit- today's economy

Of course libido drops with age, but it does so at differing rates and from different starting points for the sexes. Plus, women have additional rigours and potentially more preoccupations that will dampen the emotional component of her libido.

I've noted that the men should stay fit, but if it's about potruding bellies, women are more likely to be unfit than men - another reason to go younger.

edwife:
stress level is getting higher by the day,what will then happen to the younger wife who still very much nubile and actively sexual?

And women are immune to stress or have less stressors? Abi a fat old wife wont add to the brodas stress I snubility is forever and absolute? Her sexual activity does not decrease?

In short, all things being equal, a man will have a better quality and longer lasting sex life with a younger woman. The fitter you are as a man, the more in-shape you'd want your wife to be.

Men are able to retain muscle mass and for longer and shed weight quicker, also having more of the hormones that engender this, which are the same ones that speak to libido


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pickabeau1:
Where did u get this information from ?

Good spot. It may well be true at the extremities. I certainly didn't notice ! Plus what is the equivalent for women?

If we want to bring outliers into play, it's known that birth weight drops as women hit 28 and menopause can start at 32. We can only speak generally and relatively.


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bukatyne:
Are we adding fourth wives to the mix again?

When I talk of marriage, I only take account of the first wives.

Second to infinity does not exist to me.

You have lost track somewhere. My OP specifically states monogamy. And the piece you referenced by truckpusher is a man with 4 wives.


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bukatyne:
@ bold:
Then all the bus conductors, beggars et al will not be married.

They are married to women who percieve them to have higher status than them. Or do you see many graduates with Bus conductors !

bukatyne:
This myth that all women care about status/pocket sha

It's not a myth Edwife sef said it !

bukatyne:
It depends on the woman's deal breaker and the value system of the people involved.

Empty pocket no potential is always a deal breaker. The potential sef must be obvious ! Reminds me of a great testimony I once heard in church. A woman testifies how she met her husband when he was penniless and how thye've endured, now that he's doing well, he earns so much that she didn't have to work. He's a top consultant in the UK, his wife met him at uni in Niaja, when he was laready in midical scholl and well known as amongst the brightest students .

bukatyne:
I have seen a place where young mature women (early 20s) who have not birthed are mocked. The ones who have kids have higher value in the dating scene.

Please tell us more - a place where men prefer to marry women with kids otver those without? ATBE??

bukatyne:
You do not have the power or authority to enforce your morals/stance on the whole world.
Different strokes for different folks

I enforce nothing, just relaying tried and tested observations. You cannot equalise everything, no matter how much you try to deny reality.

How many bus conductors did you consider . Why not??

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Truckpusher:
Adams is in trouble

My people said that a man that plants an apple tree in his compound has simply invited children to disturb his sleep and peace of mind.

Please, what age difference are we talking about here?

And Bukatyne, note he has children - her selection was based purely on status. Se you get?


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bukatyne:
@Bold:

About something totally different to what I posited

edwife:


Another man has spoken.

Again, about something totally different to what I posited.

Truckpusher descibes a man 40+ older than his wife who is actually number wife number 4 - and this is when the man is close to 90. How does that map to or rebut my position? A total strawman

Guys, if you fall for this MOMS - "marry our mature singles" - campaign, you are on your own. They are busy mapping scenarios that have no bearing or similarity to my advice in order to discredit it. Be wise. Think strategically.


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bukatyne:
There is no discussion of 'equality' here

People would prefer spouses who do not have outta wedlock kids. Whether that is enough to deter them from going through is a different thing altogether.

The same things does not obtain everywhere.

Yes it does.

All women, everywhere are first and foremost concerned about a mans status and ability to provide. Are children out of wedlock a consideration, sure, but simply not as high as it is for men, and unlikely to stop the deal if the men score highly in other ways.

Fact!

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bukatyne:
Get in touch with your village or childhood group

There is a reason they have 0 -5 yrs; 5 - 10yrs etc.

I have forgotten where I saw it however ages mates are within a 5yr range

Proudly Ijebu !

The "Regberegbe" are "age grade" associations and typically range from 3 to 5 years. They are constituted for social cohesion and activity - not because they serve as a reference for marriage or any other relationship.

There are still associations of people born within a year of each other, and there is still the sense of age hierarchy. I call my brother egbon and he is barely 2 years older than me. Do I drag title or headship with him because we are in the sam regberegbe?


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bukatyne:
Last I remembered, you are not here abi?

Do you think it's any different here or anywhere else ? And the same obtains there. In fact men can have kids out of wedlock before and after marriage sef.

bukatyne:
The fact men have kids has a huge bearing on women's decisions except if the men are celebs (the celebrity world is clearly an outliner) or they hide that fact.

Face facts. It's easier for men with kids to marry women without than vice-versa. Why, because women prioritise other things more highly when choosing a mate. All the men I know with kids out of wedlock are married. If any of the women are, I don't know about it. I am not referencing celebrity lifestyle.

bukatyne:
I know someone who did not marry a guy with a kid even when her sis had a kid outta wedlock.

Bukatyne, discuss logically. An individual case does not change the generic fact - it's an exception. I would never have married a woman with children. Does that mean some men won't?

bukatyne:
Theory is world apart from practical when it comes to marriage and human relations

Face facts - no matter how ugly. Why the desire to "equalise" everything


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