₦airaland Forum

chrisj2:
OMG! This one has spoiled everything now with this comment. So having money means the woman can order the man around and his emotions will be in perfect check because he knows the woman will not take shit from him? Come on!

The man went to the room for 1 hour to cool off and even decided to make an effort to change. In all that time the woman did nto even bother to go and talk to him or even sense that he is not pleased... Give me a break. Your financial independence is what will actually make that man move straight out of the house because if it were me, I know the children will be alright for money at least...

If women think having their own money is all that it takes to get respect, then they are wrong. This woman knows deep inside that she pushed things too far - and he has practically separated from her within the same house. What sort of threat is her being financially independent going to have to solving this issue?

Change of shirt and picture is pushing things to far!!!
How??
And yes, money can solve the problem! She should dump him and move on! There a lot of good men who would love fashion tips and enjoy a picture of his family!!!
That man is bull shìt, straight up mad!
Enough said!

Originalsly:
That's possible.... but there is no fair game about this whether or not she retaliates.

Two wrongs don't make a right

Just u justified his wrong na! Why is it that when woman retaliates this sentiment will arise?

Jewessgratitude:
Madam madam madam.... I like myself for one thing. I'll always say things as they are.
Now.... Are you sure the tone of correction was one of love or command?
You know I see some married women trying to act like commando because they feel, he has already married me na, so I can talk to him any how. Men dont like it.
Your husband is not a monster that he'll just Pounce on you like that and start beating you for no reason. There must have been something about the tone of your message that made him do that.

Ok...he went in to change at your command, instead of you to read his countenance to be sure he's not angry, you said you people should snap. Now I'm guessing you even handed him your phone and was like " oya take, snap us" like new some errand boy. I'm guessing ni o cos I know what some of us can do.

Look you don't just always have to be the one calling the shots cos if you check both scenarios, you did all the talking meaning you were calling the shots like, go and change, oya come and snap us". haba! Check am na. If na you nkor. And men dont like to be ordered around.

Maybe for oga mind, he don spoot to kill. You telling him to go and change will make him feel, "yei! I no impress sha". He swallowed it. You come give another order? You brought it upon yourself.
Next time even if you don't like what he's wearing, you can crack a joke that both of you will laugh to. Even use kiss drag him inside and say nice things to him so he doesn't feel controlled.

Try to understand your man. Since he has not done.such before, go on your kneels and apologise that you won't control him again and see if he'll not admit that was your wrong. Swallow your pride and do the needful. He don marry you so go on your kneels now.

Shut the fùck up with all your assumptions! He had no right to humiliate her like that especially in front of their children! This is why every woman should have a means of income before marriage! No man can try this shìt with a financially independent woman! Just because we in Nigeria, if not he would be in jail by now! If u are provoked for whatever reason, walk away! U have no right what so ever to hit anyone except your children for correction. Any other thing is a CRIME!

back2sender:
Naa your mouth dey kill you.

If your husband like he can wear pant to the party that's its business and not yours.

The most important thing is that he provides for his family his primary priority all other concerns is secondary.

No u are wrong, husbands body belongs to wife and vise versa. If not no need to get married. Would support a wife that wear what her husband disapprove of?

Originalsly:
Let me be clear... your husband should not hit you.
Now the breakdown..... by now you should know your husband well enough to see the signs when he need to be left alone. From what you wrote... this is how I see it.

1/2. Is he a child for you to pick what clothes he should wear?...to his friend's occasion? He dressed casual.... do you know if after the celebration they planned going fishing?...a football game?...or hang out somewhere where casual is the wear?

3. After not liking his casual everyday dress look..... are you trying to let me believe you would be polite in telling him to go and change? At this point.... you are adding salt to the wound... really treating him like a child. ...picking what he should wear and now he need to go and change.

4/5/6 He got angry... which you knew.... and didn't want to be pissed off by anything else you may say so he asked you to he quiet....went in the room to simmer down before coming out.

7/8 You decided not to say anything ....for peace to reign.... but said something anyway?....and still expect peace to reign?

9. Why are you now surprised that he snapped?

He knows himself and was trying to avoid this situation. Madam when people snap.... nothing is off limit. If you never knew...now you know he has a breaking point... learn to read the signs to stay clear of danger. Know your husband.

What if madam snaps back and pour him hot oil while asleep? That would be fair game right

olaodun:
Sorry for what had happened if what you said is the true picture however
Please discuss with him to know your offence and let conscience guide you if you are guilty of what he said and apologize and also demand your apology from for beating you and forgive and forget for the sake of your family and children
if he does not listen to you discuss with the close person he respects and listens to to resolve the issue and move on life is more complex than to be busy with with irrelevant issues .This is my little contribution

When some frustrated fool starts punching your sister or daughter, give her this advise!
In today's world abusive relationship should not be tolerated!
What if she died
Didn't u hear of the man that beat his wife to death that same Christmas day?

Ok even of you insulted your husband, he has no right to slap u and beat u up like that in front of your children.

Come up with an exit plan, your marriage should come to an end except u want a life of long suffering or u want to die there. Moreover your sons will most likely be worse than their father and your daughters will end up with abusive men just like their father.

It's best you end it. Besides, your husband is frustrated and is taking his anger out on u!

But wait, why did u even go out after the beating? U made him think his actions were normal and acceptable.

Start up a business no matter how small or get a job, you need an income for your exit.

This is just too tragic

Men killing wives everyday... the world is now used to it.

One woman kill husband, the world would erupt

jagojunior:
If you want to quote me, at least try and present it correctly

I'm not for or against who should have helped OP looked after her baby. The decision however, should come from her husband cos the child is his.

It's amazing how you guys quote rights for husband and wife life you're the one in charge of 'right allocation'.

The OP said her problem started after she took her 1st child to her mom (i.e. her family). The OP didn't complain about any nasty behavior from the husband's sisters/family prior to that, so please don't add to her story in your attempt to prove a point.

Like I earlier said, only the OP knows the whole truth and the complete story. Obviously, it's an inter-tribal marriage and when a marriage is like that, there's nothing like wife's culture anymore but husband's culture which becomes the wife's new culture by the virtue of marriage. That understanding alone helps in solving most problems of inter-tribal marriage especially the ones that bother on cultural beliefs and practices

Going back to the origin of her crisis will help her in solving her problem. The husband is a 'FAMILY GUY' with multiple roles to his major loved ones likewise his sisters

@OP, "The peace you long for and must enjoy is the peace you give to others"

Shalom!

Shalom after expressing repugnant unnatural African customs... lol

You make it sound like the child belongs to the husband alone.
I don't know if you are married but for me and most married people roles between husband and wife are clearly defined.
The husband is the head of the house, provider protector etc.
The wife is the manager of home affairs and care giver. The wellbeing of the children are her number 1 priority. In my home and many others I decide who comes near my children not my husband because he too busy focused on his duties to interfere with mine.

Remember it's called mother instinct for a reason. If the op sister inlaw were good people, they would have no issue what so ever with the wife's mother caring for her new born grand child.

They are wicked and never liked their brothers wife. Imagine telling her that she must be in their good book for her to have peace in her home!! What rubbish!

Check well those are frustrated ladies who want every one else to be like them.

My cousins wife is currently facing same problem. All his sister's are single or divorced except for 1. They are all giving his wife so much heat except for the married one. I know what I'm saying, a woman happily married would have no time for her brother home!

MariaAngeles:
I was so proud of you for speaking so highly of your SIL, till I got to the bolded

That's the reality dear.

I cannot live with an enemy if God forbid she turns out to be one. Not that we don't have misunderstanding but and at the end we both know our places and set boundaries.

My sister inlaw knows who calls the shots as the madam of the house, the same way I know my brothers house is not mine.

Without these set boundaries there would be a lot of conflict just like the op!

jagojunior:
If by reading about how she took the baby to her mother which they kicked against quoting cultural variation as the beginning of the problem was missed by you, then your advice won't help her here.

During my Traditional Marriage, my wife was explicitly told by her people that she belongs to my family and our culture is now her culture (of course it's an inter-tribal marriage). That advice has been helping her a great deal since we got married especially when it's an issue that has to do with culture.

From the OP narrative, the decision to take the baby to stay with her mother (i.e. her family) was strictly hers. This means she pulled the trigger, drew the 1st blood that started all the shit. By doing that alone showed that she was coming to battle the family and assert herself over the husband and his family.

Secondly, the OP is over 10yrs in marriage and according to her, the problem started after the birth of her 1st baby. By my calculation, probably the 1st year of her marriage. Ask yourself this, how did she resolve that little incident with the husband and his family? For the husband to always direct the OP to settle things with the sisters shows that he isn't ready to take side; which by my judgement is a good thing because they're all ONE BIG FAMILY

The OP didn't complain that the sisters hated her before she got married (another vital point to note). Something got broken along the line and it's a good thing that she already knows the origin of her crisis.

I want to believe that the husband is trying his best to bring unity to the family. The evidence is all written in his decision to wait for the sisters' family before taking his family and them out; going out together is a way of promoting unity, and secondly, his insistence on the wife working things out with his sisters. Do you think that there are no excesses from the wife's own family that the husband is overlooking for peace to reign? The pointer to that question is that the OP didn't complain for once if there's any friction between the husband and her own family. The wife should draw her strength from there and use him as a model for herself.

The OP knows the whole truth about her situation. Let her work on herself first, then she can join forces with the husband to fix the family.

The sequence to solving the problem should be:
1. OP dealing with her excesses
2. OP joining forces with the husband
3. Both fixing the sisters excesses

So the op being a young student should have left her new born baby in the care of people she does not trust, people who clearly dislike her all because of culture??

The op has the right to invite her mother to take care of her child if that's who she can in trust the care of her baby to!

TonyeBarcanista:
And this is what you could comprehend? I sympathise with your husband. I can only imagine what he has been going through for 15 years and counting!

My husband is not tied to me at the hip, he could and would leave if not happy but in his words he rather fight with me tham be with anyone else.

Happily married for 15years...

And to think you are from Kalabari Rivers State bearing "Tonye" and having such having such negative outlook on the sanctity of marriage is so disappointing... I'm Kalabari too likewise my husband and we are know for being hospitable in marriage. We welcomed outsiders who married our sons/brothers and treat them with respect.
Your mentality is common amongst Igbos not our people. Our wife's historically were never subjected to such inhumane treatment in the name of marriage and inlaw relations.
If you were the op and your wife siblings are being disrespectful to your mother in your own home, your wife deny to conjugal right because you have misunderstanding with her sister, your wife kicked your pregnant relative who is obviously in distress out of your house, your wife takes every single family matter out to her siblings and is influenced by them, your wife attends to her siblings more than you and the children, how would you feel?

The best marriage is between husband and wife, every other person (sibling or not) is an intruder!

TonyeBarcanista:
The home is not just HER HOME! It is the home of thw Husband, she and their children. Also that the man's siblings are not just roadside visitors, they are also of the man and she must learn to accommodate them.


I am sure you also read where the husband sent away the troublesome sister?

However, there is NOTHING wrong for sibling to come stay with their brother, whether married or unmarried. I am sure that was only temporary and not permanent as long as they aren't trouble to the household.

Why should a pregnant relative come to her husband's house when he is not responsible for the pregnancy? Did she even seek her husband's permission before doing that? Why should my pregnant distant relative carry her pregnancy to my sister's husband's house? That is sacrilegious to both common sense and tradition. (BTW if she wasn't interested in traditions she shouldn't have married traditionally)
Taking her child to her mother is ONLY appropriate IF her husband gave her the permission. She is the one that dragged her mother into the mess.


This is arrant nonsense. Wife and siblings are not in any contest, everyone have their place in the man's life.


This is you people's problem! Always seeing everything as competition and contest.

That was how my ex was asking me who I love more between she and my sisters...

I told her... Yimu

Suit yourself.

I've been successful married for 15years and live with my inlaw. You are single with a relationship ended based on the female not knowing her place in your life, the fact that she had asked says everything...

The op should decide who's advice to take!

TonyeBarcanista:
Your problem is your cut and join opinion.

1. Congrats on your marriage
2. Did the OP tell you that her SILs go to their brother's house without calling? Even as I am, I can't go to my siblings place, married or unmarried, without calling.
3. Every sibling is a guest in their brother's house, whether he is married or not. The problem with some of you is that you don't want in-laws around at all
4. You wives are your own competitors. The home is not YOURS, the home belongs to you, your husband and your children. Nobody is dragging it with you. But do note that your in-laws are also of your husband and as such you must never see them as "mere" visitors, else there will be clash.

This however, does not negate thr cordial relationship existing between the man and his siblings.

5. The problem with most wives is that they have problem with husband financially support his family even when it is not detrimental to them and their kids.

If OP respect boundaries and family of her husband she won't have problem

A wife should respect boundaries in her own home?

Did you read the part where she said her sister inlaw lives with them, causing trouble?
Did you read the part where she said her own relatives where barred from coming to her house based on one stupìd tradition?
Did u read where she said her sister inlaw were being disrespectful to her own mother??
I guess u just want to see things from a wife hating point of view.

Just know that the relationship between husband and wife is stronger than that between siblings! My spouse first before my sisters any day!

TonyeBarcanista:
Mr Married man, stop misquoting the Bible.

What that passage mean is that the man will start taking responsibilities and raising family with his wife to continue lineage. It didn't say man should be divorced from his family. Or did Solomon separate from David at marriage? Did Isaac separate from Abraham?

Meanwhile, same Bible says "follow peace with ALL men", it also says "love your enemies"

Of all the people u mentioned, which of them are attached to their sister like the op husband?

What is wrong is wrong pls! Stop supporting nonsense. It does not make sense for a man to be influenced by his siblings when his immediate family is at the receive end of their decision.

The op is kind sef, if it were me, it's either his sisters leave or I carry my children and leave for him to marry his sisters. What Rubbish!

I'm a woman, I'm married, I have a RICH brother who is married too. I can't even show up at his gate without calling. I'm a guest in that house! I can never try to bring division between my brother and his wife.

Of the 15 years I've been married I've lived with my sister inlaw for 13 years PEACEFUL!! So I'm in a good position to advise the op. My sister inlaw is even older than my husband but she is humble and understands that even though she was there before I came in, the home is MINE! We are not rivals, not 2 wives fighting for 1one man.

She dare not try this rubbish the op explained or else she's out if MY HOUSE! You know why I can wield this strength? I'm married to a MAN not a mama's boy!

Because of the boundaries set by my husband, I've never had any problems what so ever with is 8 siblings. By the way, my husband is the bread winner of the extended family... He supports them financially and I encourage him.

For a home to be peaceful, the man must set up and be a man!

TonyeBarcanista:
Thank God you married a GREAT GUY
 
 
This is a generic term used by women when their bid to separate in-laws from their husbands failed them.


The older sisters are your own older sisters too. You have to be in their good book at all times as long as it isn't against your legitimate interest. As long as they are not telling you to do overboard


There is no manipulation whatsoever. It is you trying to separate your husband from his sisters. As a wife, you have to accept your in-laws as yours and live in peace with them as long as they aren't perpetuating evil against your interest. Your husband has lived with them for MANY years before he met you. He knows them better than you do. You have to find way to sort it with them than try to make him see reason to separate from them.

   What transpired among you in the 10 years? What is the recurring issue?

   
This is irrelevant to the subject

  
I'd do same if I was your hubby! There is no way you can claim to love hubby without showing same love and respect to his BLOOD!

  
Your mind has always been made up and you are done pretending! His elder siblings are all he has and you must take them.likewise


Go and make peace with your in-laws and stop creating this arrogance.

Do know that you will never enjoy hubby as long as you are warring with his blood!

If you like take the advice of all these frustrated, angry, bitter and aggressive feminists, and male she-men, NA YOU SABI

I've been married for 15year and I can categorically state your advice is trash!
Even the bible said a man will leave his family and clef to his wife.
Why should a wife be forced to like people who hate her?

coldFLARES1:
As married men, we face challenges that are huge, varied and very real, as such I don't subscribe to facing yet unnecessary squabbles on the home front. I did say it was irresponsible of him not to have called to inform his wife he would be returning so late. Yet, I consider it unreasonable to hound him everywhere, even after his apologies (he said he did before the slap), on account of the slight.

Talking about divorce, I don't see a reason not to if the head could be side-stepped in such manner. They are a young couple and should be allowed an opportunity to resolve issues without interference, except it hs been established that a party lacks the ability for peaceful timely resolution of conflicts but is yet still interested in the union.

So, my advise remains: ignore the wife and her family ! If it ends that way, so be it!

Interference in absolutely necessary once violence has been introduced. Especially by the erring husband!

daddytime:
No matter wetin you do brother, this marriage na manage e no go last. Sorry, but this is the honest truth.

A precedent has been set, so, at the slightest provocation, your in law's will March down to move their pikin.

Get smart...

If na me, na dem go beg me to come carry my wife back....

How old is this wife by the way?

NB

Please, if you are the guy who advertised a size 44 shoes sometime last week, or you know the guy in person, kindly mention me.

Beg u say u be who na? Clearly their daughter is independent and can feed herself and so is her family!

You boys need to understand that the world has evolved passed that age where women need men for everything.
This lady can walk away from an abusive man because she can AFFORD TO!

afroxyz:
people.like you are only comparable to demons.

Yea, DEMONS.

the man tried to avoid altercation by going to the living room. she still followed him there to instigate him.

He reacted and you say he has no right? well, ok.


But what gives the woman the right to follow him and further instigate him despite his efforts to avoid any conflict?

is he not a human being? Doesn't he have a tolerance threshold?

Now the man starts apologising after his stupid act. throughout the night and the first thing she does is call her parents.?

well, ok. she may be right.

But what sensible MIL would come to take the daughter out of her husband's house?

She didnt even come to settle the matter but came prepared to take the wife out of her matrmonial home despite the mans pleading?

How can you crucify the man for reacting without blaming the person that caused the action?

Like I said: You are a demon.

What are u saying? He was trying to avoid conflict, what was he doing outside till 2am? As he came back why not apologise and explain? Mtchewww

coldFLARES1:
What do I do? First off, I am most unlikely to return from an outing by 2am when there are no unforseen incidences without putting my wife on notice. You got that wong man.

In extreme instances of nagging, I could slap, if I am not allowed space even in the parlour. Done that once without apologies.

Except you owe your livelihood to those in-laws, this is one very dangerous precedent to resolution of quarrels.

Having apologized profusely and made efforts to placate them, I'd advise you absolutely ignore all of them for demeaning you. This meddling will never stop if you can't be the head in name and in deed!

Do u want the marriage to end just because of 1 irresponsible act? If your wife came back by 2am won't u be mad as hell? The op was wrong! He never mentioned that he apologised as he returned home which would have doused the tension.

A small thing he could have handled if he was mature in mind has now escalated involving in-laws...

He was the wrong one here not the wife! Her nagging of whatever is natural and justified.

Op u came back by 2a.m and then slapped your wife...

You should have swallowed your pride just begged and apologised for the first crime instead of trying to prove macho man when u were clearly wrong...

Now your in-laws are involved and it's a whole mess. Learn from it if u have sense.

Being the man of the house dose not mean living like the devil freely, rather it's the ability to successfully manage your Homebase!

Apologise to your wife through your in-laws and ask for a second chance.

obidark:
prove it....!!

.you're fùcking joking right??

At a look around!!

For fùcks sake what has Nigeria been able to maintain

Dmony:
After reading most of the comments here, i have come to realize that most people who comment on Nairaland don't do their findings about about topics being thrown to the floor ''except few'' The first thing to be done i believe, was to check the importance of Nuclear Power Plants and Reactors, How many developed countries make use of it and how effective it as been to the usefulness of Mankind.
We complain about darkness yet refused to make findings how other developed countries with equivalent number of population was able to rid themselves of endemic called darkness.
South Africa enjoys uninterrupted power supply in which nuclear power plant contribute 5% to her electricity supply.
People complain about the potential hazard it pose to our existence, if that was the case then we should forbid the use of Vehicles and other machinery since they all pose potential threat to life.
Please lets appreciate something for ones after all the president can not make use of it alone

Nigeria CANNOT manage a nuclear plant which will lead to catastrophic disaster!

With the vast amount of land lyimg waste in the north, why can't the nuclear plants be sited there?

AJ!!! Congratulations!!!

The goal was to win. All win na win!

Builderman:
This match was bought and paid for BIG-TIME!!!!!!!

Ajs strategy was to win not attempt to knockout

Pls where can i live stream?

Where do we watch the fight

Cherrybae:
This is why we should patronize our own stations.
Why not subscribe NTA, AIT or CHANNELS
All will broadcast the fight live.

NTA AIT channels are all on dstv, can i watch it there?

clefstone:
This is a contender for best Nairaland comment of 2019

Honestly, he got it 100%

DMerciful:
Nigerians especially the West and North hated GEJ because he is from a minority tribe. They hated the fact that GEJ was making institutional progress and they fear their rubbish legacy would be desecrated so they started unnecessary attacks through occupy lagos and malicious publications by Lagos-Ibadan press. This was done by the West under pretence that GEJ refused to give them speakership even though GEJ made effort to put Mulikat but was frustrated by Tinubu who chose Tambuwal for his people. While the North intensified Bokoharam, kidnapped their own children, Sanusi went on rambling of NNPC missing $20 billion which Price Waterhouse Corper audited and found nothing substantial. NNPC is still loosing money till tomorrow, subsidy has doubled and fuel price has also doubled, we have borrowed over 10 trillion yet the roads are bad, electricity bad, security and crime has become a disaster, there is general unhappiness in the country, electoral gains made by GEJ has been reversed, elections has gone back to pre 2007 when results were written in politicians bedrooms. In all honesty, the west betrayed the South for nothing!

Facts succinctly laid down.