₦airaland Forum

[quote author=fresh_dude]Nah, that's only being a strong, independent black woman. Zboyd, you're just a pathetic, misogynist slave rider. How can a man be a real man if he can't take all this in his stride? [/quote]I'm neither pathetic nor am I a misogynist. I don't hate men. I will never hate men. Hatred is very destructive. Best see the best in people. This doesn't mean you ignore the worst in people. Know the difference.

Address your issues, poster.

I refuse to be your scapegoat.

[quote author=Sheenor][/quote]It's not easy moving out of your comfort zone!

kingston277: This is a good start at overcoming rampant ignorance and prejudice.
http://queergiftedblack.tumblr.com/post/25413962820/100-things-you-probably-didnt-know-about-africa

Agreed!

Some women know how to hit men where it hurts the most - the ego. Following are 10 Ways women can shred a man's ego to pieces, whether unconsciously or out of spite.

1. Turning Your Nose Up At What He Does For A Living - If you have an issue with what your man does for a living - leave. If you decide to stay put, know that belittling your man's profession is akin to laughing at the size of his Mr. Johnson. Keep it up and you may find yourself single again.

2. Criticize His Salary - Under no circumstances, should you disparage your husband's salary, even if you feel justified in doing so. It makes you look greedy, materialistic and unloving. It's not uncommon for a wife to bring home more bacon than the husband but, to constantly throw that up in his face, especially in the midst of an argument is beyond insensitive - it's downright mean and nasty. Is that the way to talk to someone you claim to love?

3. Undermine His Efforts To Help You When You Asked Him To - Why did you ask your husband to help you and then turn around and do it your way? When you do this you are, in effect, sending the message that he is incompetent and unreliable - thereby undermining his manhood.

4. Reading Him The Riot Act In Public - To some onlookers, a woman going off on her man in public, for whatever reason is funny, but not to the man. Most times it's assumed he's at fault. If he turns tail and walks away, he looks weak and hen-pecked. If he retaliates, he looks like an verbally abusive brute. With no way out, he might as well castrate himself, salt and pepper his family jewels and hand them over to his woman on a silver platter. What else can he do? Tame that shrew in you while in public. Perfect that "Wait until we get home" look, so that he'll quickly recognize when you're displeased. Then, when you get home, let him have it, if he deserves it.

5. Being Bossy And Controlling - If you don't like to be bossed around and controlled, neither does your husband. Constant critiquing, belting out instructions and hovering over everything he does not a happy husband make. However, some men love to be dominated - especially in the bedroom. If you discover you aren't married to a man like that - tread carefully. Most men don't like bossy, controlling women. You are not his slave master.

6. Asking Another Man To Do What He Considers "His Job" - Most men take pride in doing what they consider "their job". But they take offense, if you go over their head and bring in another man to do that job. When you do this, you are sending the message that you think him incapable of doing the job right. To your man, this can be perceived as the height of disrespect and shows you have no faith in him. If there is a specific job to be done, he should be the one to call in another man to do it - not you. How would you feel, if he called his Mum (a more experienced woman) to ask advice on the best way to do what you consider "your job"?

7. Hurting His Feelings - Some husbands can be just as sensitive as their wives. It's one thing to voice your feelings or opinions about certain issues, quite another to be verbally abusive when expressing your feelings and opinions about certain issues. Your berating, fault-finding, humiliating, mocking, and biting sarcasm are all forms of verbal abuse. Are you aware of the resentment and even hate, you may be breeding within the heart of your husband? Are you prepared for the day he lashes out?

8. Kicking Him When He's Down - Did you forget how supportive and generous your man was when you were dealing with family issues, struggling through school, had little or no money to pay for school fees, buy clothes, toiletries, food and etc. and everything in between? Yet the minute your man is faced with job loss or some other life-altering event that causes him to lose his income, you are quick to badmouth him to your family and friends. Isn't turnabout fair play? If you have always been treated well by your man and, he's proven to be a hard worker and faithful to the core, why can't you support him, if you're capable of doing so, when he needs it most? Surely you can't be that selfish - could you?

9. Leaving Him For A Man With Deeper Pockets - Did you marry him for love or money? Of course, it's understandable for you to marry a man who seemed more than capable of supporting you and your future children. But why cast your eyes upon a man who is more successful than the man you married and vowed to love and honor for the rest of your life? Will the next man suffer the same fate as your first husband? Are you that shallow? What do they call women, like you, who sell their wares to the highest bidder?

10. Belittling His Performance In The Bedroom - You fraud you! You baited your husband-to-be with your tiger-cat tendencies but, after the "I Dos" and honeymoon period (usually 1 year), you have as much interest in intimacy as an 80-year old. After several annoying encounters, you've determined that intimacy is a necessary evil you must endure to maintain the lifestyle you are accustomed to, even if you have to fake it. Good luck, Madame. The consequences are yours alone, unless you have children who will surely suffer from your fickleness. Pray that your husband will never wake up and smell the scent of your scat.

Most men will move heaven and earth to please you, if they determine you are "The One". If you're messed up in the head, steer clear of any relationships, until you get your head together. The last thing you want to do is add to the population of "damaged men". It's unfair to you and them.

What Are Racial Stereotypes?

Racial stereotypes are automatic and exaggerated mental pictures that we hold about all members of a particular racial group. When we stereotype people based on race, we don’t take into account individual differences. Because our racial stereotypes are so rigid, we tend to ignore or discard any information that is not consistent with the stereotype that we have developed about the racial group.

How Do We Develop Racial Stereotypes?

We develop our racial stereotypes in a variety of ways. On a very simplistic level, it’s human nature to categorize people. It’s our way of making a complex world simpler. From an early age, we learn to place people and objects into categories. However, when we’re very young, we tend to put less of an emphasis on attributing values to these categories. As we grow older and are influenced by parents, peers, and the media, our tendency to label different racial groups as superior/good or inferior/bad increases significantly. Additionally, the less contact we have with a particular racial group, the more likely we will have negative feelings about the group. Also, any negative experiences that we have with a member of a particular group will strengthen our racial stereotypes and create fears about particular races. Based on our fears, we then develop an us-versus-them mentality that tends to be self-protective in nature. As a result, we miss opportunities to learn and thrive from our differences.

Are Our Racial Stereotypes Harmful?

Some people might say, “There’s no harm in having racial stereotypes or making racial/ethnic jokes based on stereotypes. People these days are so politically correct and should just loosen up. Anyway, there’s always a kernel of truth in every stereotype.” In some instances, all of the above might be true. However, in most cases, racial stereotypes are harmful because they ignore the full humanity and uniqueness of all people. When our perceptions of different races are distorted and stereotypical, it’s demeaning, devaluing, limiting, and hurtful to others. In some cases, people who are repeatedly labeled in negative ways will begin to develop feelings of inferiority. Some times, these feelings of inferiority can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies that perpetuate the stereotype. Racial stereotypes can also foster feelings of hate and aggression that might lead to a false sense of entitlement and superiority. For those individuals who have power, this can lead to their engaging in discriminatory and racist practices.

How Do We Overcome Our Racial Stereotypes?

Because of their harmful effects, we should make a real commitment to try to overcome our racial stereotypes. This can be achieved by first acknowledging that we’re human and that we do harbor racial stereotypes. Next, we should work to become more aware of our inner thoughts and feelings and how they affect our beliefs and actions. When we have a stereotypical thought about a racial group, we should follow it up with an alternative thought based on factual information that discounts the stereotype. We can obtain this factual information by leaving our comfort zones and exposing ourselves to people of different races. Also, we should be willing to engage in honest dialogue with others about race that at times might be difficult, risky, and uncomfortable. We should also seek out media portrayals of different races that are realistic and positive. Attending churches, plays, concerts, and movies that celebrate diversity will also broaden our worldviews.

As we gain more awareness and knowledge about racial groups, not only will our racial stereotypes lessen, but we will also become better equipped to educate and challenge others about their racial stereotypes. As we change ourselves, we can elicit changes in others through our examples and the quality of our conversations. In doing this, we work to create a society in which all races are valued, appreciated, and embraced.

Are YOU Prejudiced?

prej·u·dice

1. an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.
2. any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.
3. unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.
4. such attitudes considered collectively: The war against prejudice is never-ending.
5. damage or injury; detriment: a law that operated to the prejudice of the majority.

You are most likely prejudiced if...

...you think someone is incompetent or dumb, if they have a thick accent (regional or foreign)
...you assume a woman or minority in a position of power, usually reserved for white men got it through affirmative action... not their own merits.
...you feel competitive with people of other ethnic or racial backgrounds.
...you find yourself in a neighborhood that mostly has people of a different race, and feel nervous.
...you look down on people who date outside their race or ethnic group... or date people of the same gender.
...you assume that racial / cultural stereotypes are almost always true. That's how they become stereotypes.
...you believe that some ethnicities and cultures are inferior to others.
...you pretend to be accepting, tolerant and open-minded in public but, behind closed doors (or online) you reveal what you really think.

This Nigerian-American also gives his thoughts on the high divorce rates among Nigerians in America.

Marriages Fading With The Sunset Among Nigerians In America
BY Dr. Sylvester Fadal

“Civilized” divorce...

Some years ago, while spending my vacation in southern California, I came across several governmental data on divorces in most states that maintain public online databases on marriages and divorce records. Out of curiosity I pulled up data from 1988 - 1992 in the state of Texas and eventually went through several records among most states and spanning several years intervals, after deciding to write an article on it. This may technically be called a qualitative research study of some sort recognizing the empirical nature of it. What I found alarming especially in Texas, Illinois, California, and several other states is the frequency of Nigerian names on the divorce records. In some cases, I found the same names several times within the same state and the only way I could deduce if it was the same person was to apply a little statistics. Someone who was 24 in 1988 when they got married and 27 in 1991 when they got divorced is definitely the same person (assuming the name remains the same) who remarried in 1994 at 30 and divorced in 1998 at 34.

There were cases where some pages had over 50 percent Nigerian names making it relatively alarming. Factoring in the fact that some Nigerians from Edo, Delta, Rivers, Bayelsa, and some part of Lagos states may have names that do not clearly reflect their country of origin, there may be more that I couldn't easily identify. Also, there are Nigerians who find it necessary to change their names for obvious reasons, making it difficult to identify them. For instance, most people have a tendency to ask my specific place of origin within Nigeria. Fadal is an Ishan name (Ishan is in Edo state) and it may not be nationally common but there are several Fadals in Ishan. Some are spelled (a) Fada, (b) Fadal, (c) Ifada, and (d) Efada. Regardless of how it is spelt, the meaning stays the same and it is a name that is common among the Ishans.

In continuation of my research findings and analysis, upon recognizing the high frequency of divorces among Nigerians, I began to wonder why and a few probable thoughts came to mind such as:

1. Some of the marriages were for residency reasons and as such, the follow up divorces as there was no real love in the first case.

2. Some of the marriages were prearranged and of course, they eventually failed.

3. Some of the marriages were based on lies (people proclaiming to be what they are not in the USA to marry in Naija) and upon discovery of the truth, their spouses eventually file for divorces.

4. Some of the divorces were caused by greed and a desire for more wealth on the part of a spouse subsequently leading to disagreements and divorce.

5. Some of the marriages were possibly based on control by one party who had the upper hand for a while and when the other party became confident and matured enough, they sought divorce.

6. Some of the divorces may have been influenced by the inability to have children and/or specifically male children.

7. Some of the divorces were caused solely by infidelity on the part of either spouse most often the male spouses though females spouses are fast catching up based on recent surveys.

8. Some of the divorces were caused by strong financial disagreement.

9. Some of the divorces were caused by respect issues on the part of one spouse or both.

10. Some of the divorces may be solely based on the fact that the couples grew apart, developing two divergent ideological bents.

I could outline numerous reasons why couples justify their divorces but the fact is, very rarely do divorces leave either couple happy at the long end especially when children are involved. Most developed and "civilized" countries do not allow polygamy and in countries where some men marry more than one spouse, they are essentially experiencing some shadow of marital death and because they can, they marry other wives without divorcing existing ones or making efforts to resolve the issues. Life priorities and perception does change and oftentimes, society often tries to dictate how we should live our lives.

Could the high level of divorces noticeable among Nigerians in America be a result of societal influences and acceptance?

I have seen couples get married and divorced over the years at an alarming rate, some for frivolous reasons. Why have we suddenly embraced divorce as an alternative rather than a last approach option when all else fails? It is perhaps the influence of the society we live in or probably the desire to explore our hidden wishes that marriages don't often allow, because of the weak foundation of these marriages.

How do these folks plan to spend their last years? Will they relish being without someone they can trust, rely on and/or possibly discuss memories with? Regardless of what some might make us believe, it is not all glamorous as portrayed by Hollywood stars, as I have seen the normative and summative effects of divorces on couples, children and sometimes, extended friends and families.

The greatest use of life according to Williams James is to spend it on something that will outlast it. This is perhaps one of the key reasons we seek immortality in various ways. Some individuals seek children as a source of immortality, some write books, make music, conduct and publish research findings, adopt and preach beliefs that may be unpopular but goal-oriented to them, etc. The desires for immortality through one's own progeny are so strong in some Asian and African countries that they remain bent on having male children to carry on their names at all cost. This naïve mentality that remains deep-rooted in some people still break up marriages.

Divorce sometimes is not avoidable and in such situations, it may be justified. However, when society says, "jump", we must seek the "why" before we jump. Most cracks in marriages are repairable regardless of how frustrating the experiences may be. Knowing and respecting each other's temperament goes a long way to preserving relationships. A pre-evaluation and good understanding prior to marriage is perhaps old fashioned but still a requirement for maintaining long marriages. The marriage institution is a level playing field regardless of how we look at it and on the long run, the ultimate satisfaction is to say, "my marriage was dead and now it is alive."

About the author...

Dr. Sylvester Fadal embraced business optimization and efficiency building within corporations, years ago. His published doctoral dissertation study on Fortune 500 corporations titled "Employee Empowerment as a Business Optimization Strategy" was widely received by training and organizational development professionals. A synopsis of his findings was published by the American Society for Training and Development. Dr. Fadal was invited to speak by various refereed journals and institutions on the subject of performance optimization, organizational capacity building, efficiency and productivity and individual growth. As a professor of business he has shared the information in the book "Are You Lost or Found?: Recognizing the Wake Up Call : a Book on Change, Growth and Self Restoration" with his students for almost 10 years. With a strong passion for the world disadvantaged that lead to the formation of Fadal & Associates 501 © 3 non-profit that reaches out to low income individuals in the greater Bay Area and Africa, he continues to galvanize support for the world poorest people. His goals are spiritual, family and philanthropy. Some proceeds from this book will be used to support his not-for-profit foundation that seek to feed the poor and open doors to those whose lives are being destroyed by AIDS, poverty, child slavery, abandonment and starvation among others. A stronger act of kindness is to give to those that can't give back. Dr. Fadal is married with three children and resides in Northern California, USA.

This Nigerian-American gives his thoughts on the high divorce rates among Nigerians in America.

Immigrant Marriages May Not Survive the Trauma of Immigration
by Jeffrey Cottrill

LANSING, MI -- For centuries, people from around the world have immigrated to the United States in order to improve their lives and experience a level of personal freedom they may not have had in the old country. Many have gone on to have wonderful lives in America. But adapting to a new culture and lifestyle often poses problems, and sometimes, one of the most distressing casualties of the immigration experience is the loss of one's marital relationship.

Dr. Ernest Ndukwe, a Nigerian-American senior environmental-quality analyst at the Department of Environmental Quality in Michigan, has written a book about the frequent breakdowns in the marriages of African immigrants to the U.S. The book, "Is Marriage Doomed in America?", explains the unique stresses and strains on immigrant marriages in America and offers advice to fellow married immigrants on how to prevent a divorce.

"I wrote it in an attempt to make people understand the reasons why two people who are from other countries come to the U.S. and then begin to grow apart," Dr. Ndukwe said of the book in a recent interview with Voice of America. "Immigrating to a new country... is very traumatic, and sometimes, marriages do not survive that trauma."

Dr. Ndukwe, whose academic background includes geology and environmental studies, grew up in the Onitsha district in Anambra (a state in southeastern Nigeria) and immigrated to the United States in 1977. In 2005, he divorced his wife of six years; he has three daughters from the marriage and another from a previous relationship. Dr. Ndukwe said in the same interview that part of his motivation for writing the book was for his children to know the truth about their parents' divorce -- that it wasn't because he and their mother didn't love them.

According to Dr. Ndukwe, divorce has a strong stigma throughout Africa and is rare there. "Over there in Nigeria, and in many parts of Africa," he told VOA, "people will do just about anything possible to make sure that divorce doesn't happen." Family members, he explained, "lend support and do their best to mediate between the spouses." But in America, most married immigrants have no access to their extended families, making divorce "often inevitable".

The author, who lectures part-time at various universities, also pointed out that a divorce is far easier to obtain in the U.S. than in Africa, and that both spouses in immigrant marriages often have to work full-time in order to support themselves, which creates a lot of extra pressure.
Dr. Ndukwe researched the marital relationships of African immigrants across the U.S. and found that Nigerian immigrants had one of the highest divorce rates. He told VOA that his fellow countrymen "really mourn the loss of their culture and are really affected by it, and their marriages deteriorate".

Other reasons Dr. Ndukwe noted for the high rate of divorce among African immigrants in his book are the highly materialistic culture in America, and the difficulty of one or more spouses in a couple with adapting to the differences between African and American marital norms.

"Thousands of books have been written about divorce," he said, "but during my research, I realized that very few have been written about the unique stresses and strains that the marriages of immigrants -- and especially Africans -- suffer when they settle in the United States."

Source: divorcemagazine.com

By Michelle Faul
Associated Press
June 27, 2:16 PM EDT

KADUNA, Nigeria (AP) -- By the time she ran away, she bore the scars of an abused woman anywhere - a swollen face, a starved body, and, barely a year after her wedding, a divorce. But for Maimuna Abdullahi, it all happened by the time she was 14.

Maimuna is one of thousands of divorced girls in Nigeria, who were forced into marriage and have since run away or been thrown out by their husbands. They are victims of a belief that girls should get wed rather than educated, which led Boko Haram terrorists to abduct more than 200 schoolgirls two months ago and threaten to marry them off.

"I'm too scared to go back home," Maimuna whispers, as she fiddles nervously with her hands. "I know they will force me to go back to my husband."

Her former husband, Mahammadu Saidu, 28, does not deny beating her, and blames her few years of school for her disobedience.

"She had too much ABCD," he says. "Too much ABCD."

Nigeria has one of the highest rates of child marriage in the world, despite a law that sets the age of consent at 18. The custom of child marriage is still ingrained enough that even a federal senator has married five child brides and divorced one.

Across the country, one in five girls marry before 15, according to the United Nations. In the poor Muslim north, where child marriage is often considered acceptable under shariah or Islamic law, that number goes up to one in two. Some child brides are as young as 9.

There are no official numbers for just how many of these girls get divorced, leaving them destitute, but they are all too visible. A few miles away, girls Maimuna's age and younger are selling their bodies to truck drivers.

"Nobody knows how many thousands of them there are," says Saadatu Aliyu, the founder of a private school for divorced girls that Maimuna now attends. "That's why we have so many prostitutes, and very young ones, in the north."

At 45, Maimuna's father, Haruna Abdullahi, has been married for 30 years and has fathered eight children. He says his culture allows girls to go to their husband's houses from the age of 12. His wife, Rabi Abdullahi, was a child bride, although she does not know exactly how old.

"It is our way of life," she says. "In my day, a bride would never dare to run away."

In this desperately poor region, a child marriage brings in a bride price and means one less mouth to feed. So in late 2012, Maimuna's father arranged to marry his eldest daughter to his best friend's eldest son. The son, Saidu, paid a dowry of $210 - more cash than Abdullahi has had in his life.

She was 13, he twice her age. Saidu, a farmer, says he waited years for Maimuna to reach what he considers marriageable age.

"When she was a kid, I would bring her candy and call her `wifey,'" says Saidu, who cannot read or write. "We were always meant to be together."
Maimuna begged her father to let her stay in school, but her wishes were not up for discussion. The link between child marriage and education is clear: Only 2 percent of married girls in Nigeria go to school, compared to 69 percent of unmarried girls. Three out of four married girls cannot read at all.

Many of Maimuna's friends from school were already married, and not one was happy. She got no advice, on warning of what to expect from the marriage bed.

She settled into a new life where she worked in the fields, cleaned, carried water and firewood and cooked. Every day she was exhausted, and when she finally got to bed, her husband wanted to "bother" her, she says. He never kept his promise to let her go to school. When she objected to her treatment, he locked her into their hut, for days.

Nine months ago, she fled to her father and begged to return home. Instead, he whipped her until her back was raw, then forced her to go back to her husband.

Saidu, humiliated and furious, slapped her repeatedly in the face. She fled once again, first to a sympathetic aunt and then to a cousin in Kaduna.
When Maimuna showed up at the Tattalli Free School for divorced girls, she had been badly beaten and refused to speak, says teacher Victoria Dung. Doctors found she was badly malnourished. The whip marks on her back may last a lifetime.

Her husband waited three months to make sure there was no baby. Then he divorced her. Under shariah law, a man can get divorced by declaring the divorce aloud three times.

Maimuna considers herself among the lucky ones because she is back at school.

"I pray that what I have done will help the younger ones, that my parents learn from the experience of my running away from home," she says.
It is by no means certain.

Maimuna's father denies beating his daughter, and says he is happy she is getting educated. Yet he gets visibly angry when he describes the financial problem she has left him.

Saidu is demanding his money back, because he wants to look for another bride. But Abdullahi has already spent it on land. Asked if he will treat his five younger daughters differently, he looks down at the ground.

"I would allow my daughters to go to school if I had the money. I have seen what happens, otherwise," he says. "But my reason is poverty, always financial problems. What can I do but give them out in marriage?"

Saidu, in the meantime, says he will move ahead with his life.

"This time I will marry a girl of 12, so that she will do what I want to do," he says. "Because if you marry a girl who is older, then she will not listen to you."

His eyes slide to the porch, where Maimuna's 10-year-old sister, Hafsat, is cuddling a neighbor's baby. A sly smile curls his lips.

Love and happiness can be found along many paths -- why limit yourself to only one?

25 Common Marriage Blunders - Part 3

20. Displaying Jealousy: You feel that everyone wants your spouse or that your spouse wants everyone else. Think again. They married you. Your confidence in yourself and your expressed trust in your spouse will make you more attractive to them. Always give them the benefit of doubt unless there is reasonable suspicion. The fact that you don't think you're good enough probably isn't a reasonable suspicion.

21. Flirting, Lustful Staring And Talking About The Attractiveness Of Other People: Most husbands wouldn't appreciate their wives pointing out how handsome other men are yet some husbands are absolutely shameless in this area, giving little thought to their wives' feelings. One day the worm may turn and you will get a taste of your own medicine. Can you handle it?

22. Married But Living Single: You're no longer single. ME is now US and WE. Being part of an intimate, committed relationship includes consulting with your spouse, whenever you’re faced with an important decision. Big decisions impact both of you, so it only makes sense to talk to your spouse, regarding any potentially important decision. Making decisions as if you were single is guaranteed to alienate your spouse and you may find yourself single again, answerable only to your lonely self.

23. Bait & Switch: You wake up one day, look over at your spouse and realize he/she is not the same person you dated and later married. Welcome to the World of Bait & Switch. Before marriage, some potential spouses intentionally promise things, directly or indirectly they aren't capable of giving. Or, they promise not to behave in certain ways. This is the bait. After the marriage, they think you will forget about the promises, so they don't keep those promises. The end justifies the means. This is the switch. "Bait & Switch" is not the same as a person changing their mind. When a person changes his/her mind, the original promises were sincere. Specific circumstances sometimes force people to change their minds based on unforeseen realities.

24. Threatening Divorce: You've been at loggerheads with your spouse for weeks. Simple requests turn into all out battles. Out of frustration, you shout "I want a divorce!" -- when in reality you really don't -- the words just popped out. That's a no-no. Threatening to divorce, suggesting divorce as an option, or accusing your spouse of destroying the marriage will lead to just that. A divorce is a very serious decision, and using it as a weapon or method of control creates anxiety and despair. It's not conducive for effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, or intimacy.

25. B(ut) -- A(lways) -- N(ever) these three words from all marriage talk.

In the marriage guide, "Love and Respect in the Christian Marriage", Dr. Ben Duii identifies three powerful words that are capable of causing irreparable damage to a marriage.

"(B)ut." "But" implies a sense of manipulation and a lack of integrity. When you use "but," you negate whatever was said before. It invalidates your message and turns a positive statement into a negative one. It's a conjunction that does not lend itself to building trust, credibility and intimacy. Similar words to avoid include "however" and "although."

"(A)lways." "Always" implies a sense of rigidity and righteousness. When you use "always," you're telling your spouse that they are wrong, you are right, and that there's nothing that can be done about it. It's also an all-or-nothing phrase, and it does not lend itself to understanding, learning, or healing.

"(N)ever." "Never" implies a sense of hopelessness and finality. When you use "never," you're telling your spouse that they are no good, will never be any good and that there's no hope for change. It's an all-or-nothing phrase that does not lend itself to listening, compromising and creating good will.

Dr. Duii also urges couples to think about the impact their words have on their spouses. What outcome are you expecting? Are the words you speak coming from a place of love or...are they meant to hurt, control, scare or push away the person you love? Find words that are conducive to creating intimacy.

These might include phrases like --

"I notice that when I [blank], you react by [blank]."
"When you do [blank], I feel [blank]."
"It would mean a lot to me if you would [blank], because when you do, I feel [blank]."
And: "I want our marriage to feel good to both of us. How can we approach things in a way that makes us both feel heard, appreciated, accepted, and loved?"

Marriages are like snowflakes -- no two are the same. Things that harm one marriage may not affect someone else’s. It takes spouses working together to make a marriage survive and keep it strong.

25 Common Marriage Blunders - Part 2

13. Arguing Over Money: You find your spouse has been using money from your joint savings account to send money home to your in-laws -- without your knowledge. When you confront him/her -- they blow up and point out that some of that money is theirs too. True. But why not consult with you first, since some of that money is yours too? Solution: Three bank accounts -- his -- hers -- household. What percentage to be deposited in each account should be agreed upon by both spouses.

14. Being Critical: You consider it constructive criticism -- loving concern but your spouse considers it a personal attack, when you criticize their appearance, the way they dress, how they're not being a good wife/husband, or worse, criticize their performance in bed. Not good. What of you? Do you need “step up and do better” more often? Why not take a good look at yourself and what you could do to improve yourself and the marriage? The only way you can point the finger of criticism at your spouse is if you are as flawless and perfect as "The One Who Walked On Water".

15. Not Having Fun Together: You're amazed at how much fun some elderly couples seem to have, even when one is leaning on a walker or sitting in a wheelchair. Why not you and your spouse? Sure you have your separate sets of friends but what of mutual friends? What of date nights? Do you do anything fun as a couple or family? When you are out on a date as a couple, is your ear glued to the phone or are your fingers madly texting? Of course face-to-face communication with your spouse will only make the marriage bond stronger. But you can't be bothered with that can you?

16. Fighting Dirty: You know you're wrong but pride won't allow you to admit it. So you come out swinging. You bring up things that have nothing to do with the disagreement or rehash old issues from the past that have been long resolved. You must win at all costs, even if it means saying things that hurt and wound deeply. That's low down and dirty. What if your spouse gets down like that one day, in the midst of a disagreement? It can happen.

17. No Communication: You have to talk to each other about how you feel, what your opinions are, your likes, dislikes, fears, and dreams. In order to get along well and know each other as intimately as a married couple should, you have to talk openly and honestly.

18. Holding Grudges: Your spouse hurt you. He/she has apologized but you just can't let go of the hurt. Hurt can quickly turn to anger, and anger can turn to bitterness just as fast. Work through the hurt and anger and forgive them. Being angry under the surface will only hurt you more in the end. Talk to your spouse and work to resolve the issue. Letting go of the offense will keep your relationship close and more enjoyable.

19. No Compromising: You want something -- your spouse wants something else. What to do? Compromise. Marriage is all about give and take. Making "deals" with your spouse should be a regular thing. Each of you should feel free to express what you want and you should take turns on who gets it their way "this time." Also, with some decisions you can opt for something that you both can agree on, or work things out so that both of you get your way.

Infidelity and abuse aren't the only things that can ruin a marriage. Other behaviors can creep into your marriage and harm it.

25 Common Marriage Blunders

1. Selfishness: You act like a two-year old when you can't have your way --throwing adult-size tantrums, giving your spouse the silent treatment, or trying to manipulate him/her to get your way. Unlucky you, when your spouse tires of this childish, selfish behavior and leaves.

2. Diarrhea of the Mouth: You invite everyone into your marriage by telling everyone everything about your marriage - even the intimate details. You bad-mouth your spouse to family, friends and co-workers. When rough times hit, you don't talk to your spouse or seek counseling -- instead you air your dirty laundry to outsiders. In time, your running mouth may run your spouse right out of the marriage.

3. Being Unappreciative: You don't appreciate anything your spouse does. You take them for granted. You have a warped sense of entitlement. You make your spouse feel as if they should be grateful that you married them. If you like to be appreciated -- what of your spouse?

4. Being Greedy/Materialistic: You weighed the gold in your spouse's pocket after the first "Hello" and gleefully imagined that mansion on the hill, beautifully furnished, a fancy car to drive, sparkling jewels, vacations abroad, kiddos in private boarding schools and an envied position on the social ladder -- all of which you gained after the "I Dos" -- but at what cost? Imagine yourself and your kiddos eating dinner alone, while your poor, stressed-out, overworked spouse is working his fingers to the bone to keep you in the style you demand. Are you prepared for the day when he'll throw in the towel and leave, or worse, keel over and die from a stress-related heart attack, leaving you a widow and your children fatherless? Then what?

5. Neglecting Your Spouse: You spend as much time as you can away from your spouse, spending all of your free time with friends and family. You only spend time with your spouse on special occasions such as anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. That’s a great way to push your spouse to seek attention from someone else. Think about it.

6. He's Not Your Number One: Did you marry him to be a wife or mother? Generally speaking, women marry out of love, want to have legitimate children and receive financial support for themselves and those children. Men marry because they are in love and genuinely want to be married and to have families. However, after the "I Dos", some women forget the vows they took to forever cherish, love, and honor their husbands. They make children their #1 Priority -- with their poor husbands relegated to the back seat of the marriage -- neglected and generally ignored. Is it any wonder that sometimes the neglected husband seeks attention outside the marriage? Could years of neglect from the wife be the reason some husbands file for divorce, after the children are grown and gone? Why stay? they reason. The children were the only thing holding the marriage together. What's the point of staying married?

7. She's Not Your Number One: You put everything and everyone before your wife -- your job -- your friends -- your needs. But what of hers? Did you forget the vows you took to forever cherish, love, and honor your wife? What happened to the man you were, before you married -- the man who made her heart flutter -- the man who put a smile on her face -- the man who put her first -- the man who couldn't wait to see her -- the man who just called to say "Hi!" -- the man who bought little gifts for her for no reason -- the man who never forgot a birthday -- the man who made her the envy of her friends. Infidelity and abuse are not the only reasons why more women than men file for divorce. Take note.

8. Being Disrespectful: You feel free to say anything to your spouse. You talk to him/her like a child, never thinking before you speak. You dress him/her down inside the home in front of the children and clown him/her in front of friends, family and in public. You just say what comes to mind. You never ask your spouse their opinion -- you just make decisions without them. You even curse out your spouse -- calling them nasty names. Surely he/she will never get tired of that. Apologies and remorse aren't your cup of tea. It should be. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel?

9. Using Intimacy As A Weapon: You 'punish' your spouse by cutting off the 'good stuff' because you're angry at him/her, he/she cheated, you didn't get your way or for some other reasons. This is where communication and attentive listening is the key. Talk it out - not hold out. Such behavior is quite damaging to a marriage and totally unnecessary. Keep it up and you may drive your spouse out the door and into the arms of someone else.

10. Not Enough Alone Time: You come home tired and worn-out -- only to find family members or mutual friends making merry -- again. Of course you love them -- love their company -- but everyday? Is there anyday you can come home and spend some quality time with your spouse and children, without meeting company? Don't these people have homes? Constant company can put a strain on a marriage, especially young marriages. Couples need alone time -- time to bond. To avoid conflict, they need to establish clear boundaries about when family and friends can visit and when they should leave and communicate these boundaries to their respective family and friends -- lovingly and respectfully.

11. Wife Is "Married" To The Church: You love the Lord, attend church regularly as a family and look forward to Bible study on Tuesdays but, your wife is taking her love for the Lord to a whole new level. Some women become so religious and obsessed with the church, they cater more to the church than their husband and children. They neglect the personal needs of their husbands and the maternal needs of their children. Some unhappy husbands feel as if their wives are "married" to the church instead of them, because they spend most of their time there. Little do these wives know that their constant attention to church matters could lead to a breakdown in their marriages. Such religious zeal can also lead to infidelity which could lead to divorce. Loving God is a good thing but so is loving your family and spending quality time with them, outside the church. Good churches should stress to wives and husbands that their families should come first before the church. They should not only encourage couples to participate more in the ministry but ensure that they keep their families together.

12. Spending Too Much Time Together: You feel smothered by your spouse. He/she seems to be attached to your hip. It's becoming annoying and you are beginning to hate coming home. You wish your spouse would give you a little breathing room -- become more independent and less dependent on you. Their clingy and needy behavior is working your last nerve. This is the time to sit your spouse down and firmly and lovingly explain that spending time apart, pursuing his/her interests, hobbies and friendships will not only make them happy, it will make you happy and make your marriage happier.

By "Cynthia"

We all know at least one African person that is single and they are either looking for a wife or husband (maybe both, just kidding). You also have probably heard them say there are no good African women or men abroad anymore. That they have all become Americanized and they would rather go back home and find someone (as if that doesn’t have its own problems).

In my experience, I have found that all the options have really not being exhausted; some of the Africans that say these things have not really put themselves out there. Meaning stepping out of their comfort zones, going out to networking events, making time and putting effort into the process of finding a partner, actually cutting down on the double, double, double, work.

At the end of the day manna is not going to fall from heaven, your dream woman or man is not going to walk through the door and say “here I am.” We say, “I am waiting for GOD”, well guess what?! GOD is waiting on you to do your part! God help those that help themselves, I think we sometimes forget that as Africans.

I believe at the end of the day we are all searching for someone that will love us regardless of their ethnicity, background or if they are blue or pink. Yes I know it is very important to some Africans that their partners must be African, from the same country, the same tribe, and the same village. But you have to actively put yourself out there and exhaust all possibilities before you say most Africans Abroad have become “Akata” and step out of your COMFORT ZONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

With that being said, there are many Africans Abroad that are still very wary of online dating and don’t think is a good way to find a partner. Despite a recent study that suggests 1 out of 6 couples meet online, again this study could be pure rubbish, just used as a marketing tactic (if you have lived abroad long enough, you will realize researches are done so that it can be used for marketing purposes, screw science!)

But the fact remains that I know 3 people that have met online and I know friends who know friends that have met online. You probably know someone that has met their wife or husband online so this medium cannot be discounted.

Does it have its up and downs? Absolutely, but what doesn’t? I have heard people say these African online dating sites are full of people in Africa that are looking for sponsors, Africans that are just looking for booty call, and Africans that are looking for Green Card.

Well guess what? In the middle of it all there are people just like you that are looking for a real wife or husband and are not interested in the games but you have to go through all the shafts to find the real one. Is that any different from real life? Let’s say someone introduces you at a party and you set up a date with that person. After the first date you find out they are crazy, well that is the end of that, opaari! And you move on to the next person!

Until you can say you have devoted enough time to looking for a partner and stepping out of your comfort zone I don’t want to hear there are no good African men and women abroad. With that being said here are 10 online dating sites, some are exclusively for Africans while others are geared towards African Americans.

10 Online African Dating Websites

1. www.afrointroductions.com boasts of thousands of members and over 20 million connections in the Cupid Media network. It enables its members to use functions such as instant messaging/chat, video, and email that will promote better communication between its members: increasing the chances of finding the most interesting person that suits you. It’s easy to join, although it takes a while to view other members. After completing your profile information, your page will be redirected. The drawback is that redirecting takes several minutes, after which you will be taken to the home page and you, have to login again. Make sure you fill out your profile nicely or else your account might be suspended.

2. www.africandateline.com - allows free registration and it does not matter if you are African or not. However, they are a bit critical about the information you place in your profile. They want to make sure that people who join are who they say they are, in order to prevent scammers and spammers. It takes 12 hours before the account is activated.

3. www.datingafricanwomen.co.uk - you will notice that once you click on the website, it pulls up members that are in your area. The basic features of the site are free registration, text and video chats.

4. www.africanlove.com -the website is simple and has a clean background. According to the website “AfricanLove is a fast growing African dating and Afro introductions site linking the world to beautiful African women and African singles.” Signing up is relatively easy, although it requires you to fill up to 5 pages of background information about yourself. After you complete your profile, you can start looking for people you’d like to meet. You can also immediately chat with anyone online.

5. www.soulsingles.com -Soul Singles is a nice place to start searching for a future partner. What’s nice about this dating site is that you can view the profiles of the members without having to join. If you find someone nice and want to send a private message or you want to chat, you would need to login or register first. Just like African Love, registration can be a bit tedious (with five or so pages to fill out), but it is worth the effort. African Love and Soul Singles are connected, so if you already have a profile in one, you can just use your login information for the other.

6. www.africabeauties.com - what is interesting about this site is that you can send flowers and other gifts to anybody you like. You can do so by first buying credits via credit card or PayPal. You can purchase as little as 20 credits for $15.99, to as much as 1000 credits for $399. Another interesting fact about this website is that they offer the services of an interpreter incase the person you are interested in cannot speak the same language as you of course there is a fee. Definitely some interesting features.

7. www.metrodate.com - If you are interested in dating only people in the same vicinity as you, instead of people based in other states and countries then this might be the site for you. The site automatically detects your location based on your IP, so the homepage shows matches based on location. Registration is easy with just a 3-page sign up that is needed to complete your profile. Once you are registered, you can view the profiles of people in your area. If you want to check on people from other locations, you can edit your Groups. Under “My City Groups”, you can add new cities and find potential partners from wherever you like.

8. www.naijaplanet.com - If you are only interested in dating Nigerians, then this is the site that suits your wants. You can find Nigerians from all over the world for free. After registering, you’ll be asked to verify your email first. Once you do so, you would login and complete your profile (5 pages), then you can start searching for people. The interface of Naija Planet is simple enough, and you can easily search for people you are interested in based on your similarities (interests, age, location, etc.). However, because this a 100% free dating site, you can expect to see tons of advertisements all over the page.

9.www.blacksingles.com - black Singles is a nice place to look for potential friendships and partners. You can narrow down your search to those within a few miles from you. You can also check singles from other countries. You will also be able to see who has been checking out your profile and how often. There is also a “Secret Admirer” link where you’ll learn about someone who has been consistently checking you out. You can check on the profiles even without being registered, although you will only have a glimpse of the person’s age, location and a tiny bit of self-information. You won’t be able to see the pictures unless you register and login.

10. www.localsingles.co.za – as the name suggests, you will find mostly people from the country South Africa or people from the south of Africa. Most of the people on this website are living in South Africa. One cool feature about this website is that you can make and upload a video of yourself.

There you have it, I hope I have convinced you to step out of your comfort zone and explore other ways of meeting your life partner. Now it is your turn, I want you to comment below on your experiences or experiences you have heard of, regarding online African dating sites.

Source: shikenan.com

By Emmy Ejekam

It has been a puzzle to me as I watch the rate families are disintegrating among Nigerians living here in Houston lately. And I can wager that what is happening in Houston, Texas (where I live) is typical of the rest of America. As I attribute this unfortunate trend to the environment and stress associated with living in America, my thoughts and research have shown that there are many other variables that have been affecting our lives here, which most of us have not accepted as reality, therefore, triggering the ripple effect of high divorce rate.

There is resistance among Nigerians to accept the fact that we live in a system that is more sympathetic to women and, what is a norm in an African oriented/Nigerian family maybe viewed as unconventional. The role of husbands in America is totally and mutually exclusive when it is compared to that in Nigerian context.

While America has been so receptive to the influx of immigrants from every part of the world, the assimilation and transition challenges have been traumatic to these cultures. The dramatic culture clash, values, norms and open society pose the biggest challenge to most foreigners who have been assimilated and grounded in their ethnic culture, in contrast, to the host culture. It will sound illogical if the blame is solely attributed to the American culture; we, as the visitors have our role to play in order to bridge this disparity gap. Based on our slow pace of assimilation, the culture shock blossoms, leading to family cracks and sometimes ending in divorce or worse, death.

How do most Nigerians marry?
A typical marriage between two Nigerians usually starts from home. There is a myth that most marriages between Africans and Americans are usually faked. An assumption which has and continues to hunt true and candid marriage relationships between the two cultures. Therefore, the gamble to marry from Nigeria, especially those who have the potential to make money, instigates the rush to nursing and medical schools in Nigeria to engage and marry, not a soul mate, but a potential money making nurse, doctor or pharmacist. This expensive and tedious adventure has become a game of chance. Majority of these men go home to seek a wife they have never known, while others decide to fetch a sweetheart that will come over to America and become a wonderful soul mate or a nightmare.

The brewing of the problem starts from the approach of the suitors from the great US of A, where dollars speaks load and clear. Diaspora Nigerians will use their hard earned money to travel and impress these wives to be without minding the perception and ramifications of their actions. It is acceptable to lie to a girl friend to win her over for dating pleasures, however, it is suicidal to lie to a life partner of your lavish wealth in America; the one you have decided to spend the rest of your life with; while in reality, you are finding it hard to pay your rent in an efficiency apartment.

After the lavish expenses involved, the spouse finally gets to America to find out the reality. She is very excited and at the same time disappointed to be here, feeling stuck, she opts for plan B because A has faltered. The opportunities, rights and liberties accorded to women will impress her new plan. She will start to realize that her husband does not live up to whom he projected while at home. He does not have a good job, big car, a mansion and other expectations he projected during the courting period; he is not settled!

On her arrival, his rich friends pull up in all kinds of expensive vehicles while checking her out, flaunting their money, titles and class. Remember, some of these wives already planned on leaving as soon as they have gotten situated. While they have their plans going, the men are toiling to train these wives since the system is more favorable to women. The first line of action is to put her through school and at the same time mak her pregnant. The wife goes to school and carries the pregnancy. Everything is going great, because the man plays the African male figure and head of household, while the poor wife dances to the tune on a borrowed time. Despite the burden of going to school, being pregnant and working, the woman continues to perform her chores as a wife. The man also continues to play the role, praying for her graduation and eventual self-actualization. In some situations, there may be family issues that may prop up and the woman is reminded of her role and how she was brought to America, the greatest country in the world. Some marriages may involve verbal abuse, humiliation and physical abuse. While all these are going on, information and communication are flying from friends, relatives and associates who directly or indirectly influence the outcome of this marriage. While some will caution dialog, others will instigate different measures to resolve the issue, including but not limited to contacting the authorities.

The degeneration of the marriage continues and leads to more suspicious issues: infidelity, rumors of leaving, unsatisfactory sexual performance and other innuendos. Both parties are suspicious of each other and the crack in the marriage continues to widen. The complications that arise will destabilize the marriage to the core; these may include: sexual starvation, threatening to call the law in order to label the man with a felony, assault and battery, child abuse, or any accusation that will incriminate him. As the problem reaches the boiling point, the wife, knowing full well that she is covered, files for divorce and child support.

Having graduated with a professional degree and a good job, the wife collects child support and ends up living lavishly while the man struggles to make ends meet with his meager earning. The woman who has been raised to her current professional level sees her sponsor, the husband, as unworthy to have her as a wife because she is now making a six figure income. In an effort to control this money, our men make the most horrendous blunder which usually leads to violence or even murder. While most break ups are associated with the wives, men also play the devils' advocate, thinking they can still have multple patners while they are married. Nigerian men should weigh in their options before getting into marriage here in Houston/America. The times have changed and yesterday is gone. There must be a dramatic change to sustain marriages here because, there are many distractions and the victims are the poor Nigerian children that are caught in the middle.

Nigerians have a very inflexible culture engraved in marriage and family. This stoic culture is inert in most men of African descent. As a black man in America, you are guilty till proven innocent, therefore, if you insist on living like a husband in Africa, please save your marriage till you relocate back home. Otherwise, you may find yourself in jail, probation or even dead. If you are one of the lucky ones with an understanding wife, count your blessings; but please, do not seek her pay check because they do not come handy anymore.

Source: thisdaylive.com

When you hear "marriage is hard work" - believe it!

But when you add the challenge of marriage to interfering in-laws, such interference can shake the very foundation of a new marriage. If you ask a young married couple to identify one of the biggest challenges in their marriage, many will say "family interference". Marriage counselors and therapists found around ten percent of couples seeking counseling (only to divorce later) blamed family interference as one of the major reasons for the breakdown of their marriage, particularly if in-laws live in the home of the new couple, for extended periods of time.

Some in-laws find it difficult to accept the changing roles of parent-child to the husband-wife relationship. Feeling abandoned, ignored or threatened, they may even use coercion and manipulation as a way of regaining their position - their role. Other in-laws may be offended, if their "good advice" is rejected. Some interpret it as a sign of disrespect and are quick to remind the young couple that "children" obey their parents. The couple, however, resents the "meddling" and present a united front in the face of interfering relatives. But sometimes one spouse will side with his or her parent/s, thereby weakening the marital bond or eventually breaking it.

In-laws and extended family provide the new couple with stability and support. However, boundaries must be clearly understood, if the couple desires a peaceful co-existence with their mutual in-laws and their extended families. Communication is key.

Remember:

1. You are entitled to a peaceful life. Your in-laws deserve respect, but if their behavior is ugly or totally inappropriate, they aren't entitled to any sort of special privilege but you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.

2. Some in-laws are very wicked. They will say and do whatever they want, if you allow them to do so but, never stoop down to their level.

3. Try having a heart-to-heart talk with your in-laws. Pick your moment carefully. Get your spouse's support beforehand. If in-laws are making your life miserable, what do you have to lose?

4. You can't change others, only your reaction to what they say to you or how they treat you. Call them on their ugly behavior. Stop making excuses for your in-laws' actions. Establish clear and concise boundaries, along with appropriate consequences, if those boundaries are broken, so there won't be any misunderstandings and, follow through. This is not the time to be wishy-washy.

5. Support and protect your spouse. Your in-laws are vital support systems but specific boundaries must be established, with your spouse, if joy and peace are to reign in your marital home.

6. If it's possible, be kind and pleasant to in-laws who over-do or over-advise (interfere). They may be truly clueless about how their negative behavior is impacting your marriage. Sit them down and communicate your concerns sans dramatics.

If you've been the target of interfering in-laws, how did you survive - emotionally and physically intact?

Or...are you still down in the trenches - battling it out?

If no more fight is in you, have you just accepted your fate, determined to make the best of it and resigned yourself to a life of unhappiness?

For those with wonderful in-laws - consider yourself blessed a thousand times over.

You’ve met someone and the sparks are flying, but before you start that fire, make sure you recognize the signs you’re not ready to be in a relationship. If you identify with any of these red flags, you might need to fly solo until you’re up to a major commitment. Here are 13 top signs to look out for before heading for Couplesville.

1. You’re Unhappy
While dishing about expensive dates to your gal pals might cheer you up momentarily, let’s face it: you’re using the person you're dating. If you’re not satisfied with where you’re at, you need to work at it! Believe me, when your partner realizes that he or she is a feel-good tool, it’ll be one of the worst feelings in the world. And racking up the bad karma points won’t be fun for you.

2. You’re Not over Your Ex
This is one of the most blaring signs you’re not ready to be in a relationship. If you’ve just gone single on Facebook, don’t head on the prowl 10 seconds afterwards. You need some time to relax, devour pints of froyo, and hit the beach with your besties. Oh, and maybe shed a few tears and fling tissues at the happy couples in rom-coms.

3. You’re Too Busy
If you’ve just graduated, scored your first 9 to 5, and are working on a few money-making side projects, you might want to hold off on jumping into a relationship. Are you really into the guy or gal you’ve been dating? Say so, but make it clear that you’ll need to take it slow. Do it for your own sanity!

4. You’re Unsure
Here’s one surefire sign you’re not ready to be in a relationship. If you don’t know what you want, don’t commit. I know this can be difficult, especially when you feel obligated to make it official after a few hot dates and four-hour-long phone conversations. But if you’re running through a long list of why this won't be a good idea, it probably isn’t. So, take some time to really think about your needs.

5. You’re Questioning Your Sexuality
If you’ve been dating someone of the opposite sex to somehow «prove» to the world (or yourself!) that you’re straight, walk away now. Or, if you’re been leading on a female partner you have no intention of going steady with, it’s time for an honesty trip. It can be exceedingly tough to give your partner the lowdown. So, if you believe that your safety may be at risk, pull out a tried and true excuse –the sooner, the better. It’ll give you time to sort things out.

6. You’re Looking for a Savior
One huge sign you’re not ready to be in a relationship is if you’re searching for someone to fight your battles and make your life magical. If you won’t pick up your own sword and brave through those tough times, you won’t be able to do your part in a relationship. You can’t simply expect someone to come in and turn your life around –you have to create your own happy endings, despite what Disney might tell you!

7. You Have Major Trust Issues
A tinge of jealousy (mostly) never hurt anyone, but if you’re the type of person to hack into his or her e-mail account or check every text, you might need to cool down before you get down. It’ll take work, and maybe even a few self-help guides on the Internet, but it’ll pay off big time. Plus, if things turn sour, you wouldn't want to be known across Tumblr as a crazy stalker ex.

8. Your Life is Chock Full of Drama
If you’ve got more drama than «The Real Housewives», it’s probably a sign you’re not ready to be in a relationship. Instead, focus on bidding the drama adieu –it’ll make you (and your future relationship) happier and healthier. And who wouldn’t want that?

9. You Feel like You Need to Be in a Relationship
If you're happiness is dependent on whether or not you're in a relationship, you shouldn't even be in one. Relationships are supposed to improve your life and happiness, not BE your life and happiness. Take some time, learn to be happy on your own, and then take a chance to be happy in a relationship.

10. You Want to Be Someone's Savior
We've talked about the fact that you shouldn't look for someone to save you, but what about saving someone else? A lot of women like to date people that they feel like need to be saved. That isn't a reason to date someone! To be completely honest, the chances of you "saving" this person is very low. Don't worry about taking on someone else's problems.

11. You're Changing to Make Them Happy
If you're willing to give up any part of who you are to date someone, then you're not ready to date at all. The person that you end up in a relationship with should like you for who are. If you feel like you aren't going to find anyone that likes you for you, then you need to be happy with yourself.

12. You're Desperate
This is just a bad sign. Don't get into a relationship if you're absolutely desperate for one. Being desperate is a very unattractive quality in a person for many reasons. People that you're interested in dating will likely find it as a turn off and, if they do want you because you're desperate, they're wrong for you anyway. Moral of the story here is to be content with who you are and your situation and love will find you.

13. You Just Want to Get Married
If you go into a relationship needing this person to be your last relationship and end in marriage, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. This is because you're going to settle for the first person that expresses this interest in you and you won't be happy. You shouldn't be concerned with your future or finding the relationship that will last for the rest of your life, you should be concerned with being happy.

Source: allwomenstalk.com - article by Diana Denza

Right and Wrong Reasons to Get Married

If you are considering getting married, make sure you are getting married for the right reasons and not for wrong ones.

In the article "The Shocking Truth for Thirty Pecent of Divorced Women", relationship expert, Jennifer Gauvain says: "If you take 10 divorced women and ask them whether they believed on their wedding day that they were marrying the right guy for the right reasons, seven of them would say yes and three will confess they had serious doubts long before walking down the aisle. That's the shocking truth for 30% of divorced women."

Below is a list she gives of some of the right and wrong reasons to get married.

Wrong Reasons to Get Married
⦁Want to be free from parents.
⦁To have sex.
⦁To ease loneliness.
⦁To be happy.
⦁To show you are an adult.
⦁Because of a pregnancy.
⦁He or she loves you.
⦁To save or help someone.
⦁Because you want a baby.
⦁For money.
⦁Because all your friends are married.
⦁You've always wanted a fancy wedding.
⦁Out of fear that no one else will want to marry you.
⦁You think you are running out of time to get married.
⦁To have someone to "complete" you.
⦁For immigration purposes.
⦁You are tired of being single.
⦁Someone is pressuring you into getting married.
⦁You don't want people gossiping about the two of you living together.

Right Reasons to Get Married
⦁You are in love with one another.
⦁A desire to share your life with another.
⦁To have a lifetime companion.
⦁Realistic expectations.
⦁You want to feel connected with a person you love and to grow with that person emotionally.
⦁Willingness to be there for one another while you each fulfill your own needs and dreams.

Do you agree or disagree with this author?

A couple of years ago, one of my Yoruba friends decided to travel home to marry a young woman his parents chose. After two disastrous marriages to an African-American woman and a Yoruba woman, based in the States, he thought he stood a better chance of marital happiness and children, if he married a 'home girl'.

At the time, he was 38, owned his own home, had a secure job with the federal government and a nice nest egg in the bank. To make a long story short, after he financed her nursing education, and she graduated and secured a good position in a hospital, 'home girl' flipped the script on him. She falsely claimed a series of bodily assaults, filed for divorce, was granted child support for their twin boys, got the house and family car. My friend ended up staying in a one-bedroom apartment and became bitter as hell. His relationship with his parents is still shaky.

I once asked him why didn't he marry one of the single Yoruba women over here. He said they were too Westernized - spoiled. Now he wishes he did. But that was then. Thank goodness he is now engaged to a very good Yoruba woman who thinks he hangs the moon and is pregnant with twins. Twins again? lol Oh well. At least he's happy!

Anyway...why DO Nigerian men go home to marry, when there are so many single Nigerian women, in the diaspora, ripe for marriage?

Do these Nigerian men, like my friend, think that Nigerian women abroad are too Westernized, spoiled and, subsequently, reject them?

Where does that leave single, marriageable Nigerian women, in the diaspora who desire a Nigerian husband?

Should they seek 'home boys' for marriage?

What are the advantages and/or disadvantages of Nigerian men and women going home to marry?

How does one determine if your 'home girl' or 'home boy' is just looking for a 'ticket out of Nigeria' or is truly your lifemate - a true husband or wife, in every sense of the word?

zeemoore: Water seeks it's own level

Some of these blue-collar men have a very limited view of the world, abhor knowledge and the unknown
Some feel intimidated by a mate who is more educated or more cultured than they are
Some are dumber than a bag of hammers

Except he keeps himself informed and has an intense interest in anything beyond his nose, he is a 'standard error'

I hear you...very well.

On the other hand...

Some men ON your level...

- are educated fools
- arrogant, boastful, condescending and conceited as hell
- narcissistic
- workaholics
- accuse their wives of competing with them
- don't handle it too well, if their white collar wives' job advancements and/or income surpasses their own
- think they are doing YOU a favor by marrying you
- expect nothing less than god-like devotion from their wives and children

A few of my friends are married to men like that and are miserable as hell yet stay because of all the 'perks' associated with being married to successful men.

What a life!

What's interesting is that these women are highly educated and successful themselves. If their husbands divorced them or they divorced their husbands, they would still be able to maintain their upper-middle class status, with ease, even without child support.

So why do they stay in their miserable marriages?

I have no clue.

Nonso23: Zboyd!
What happened to you these past 6 days?
This is as objective as can be.
As for those who don't agree with the write up.

"what makes you as a lady think you deserve a guy higher up the social ladder??'' your answer is the same as that the blue collar job guy would give if faced with a similar question.

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

On the flipside...

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

African-Americans and African immigrants Often Have Uneasy Bond
By Moriana Mora - Medill Reports - Chicago, Northwestern University

Girmai Lemma is from Ethiopia. He has lived in Chicago for many years. He does not consider himself to be African-American: He is African.

Lemma is not alone. Constant tensions between African-Americans and non U.S.-born Africans refute the notion that the term African-American is interchangeable with black. In the eyes of many native-born blacks and African immigrants, it isn’t.

“It would have been nice if we had a good relationship with African-Americans, but we don’t,” Lemma said.

How Lemma defines himself may be irrelevant to the larger American society.

But within the black community, less than 2 percent are Africans. Lemma said that in the United States all black people are put in the same group. “When we came from Ethiopia, we never thought we would be discriminated here,” Lemma said.

“[The police] follow you all the way until your house. It is a suburb, not too many blacks living there,” Lemma said. “When they see you, what is black is black, until they hear your accent.”

While that might make police look favorably on African immigrants, it also cuts the other way.

Eugene Peba, originally from Nigeria, believes his accent causes African-Americans look down upon him.

“We don’t sound like they sound,” Peba said. “It is a little bit weird. We think that they would say, ‘This is my brother,’ but there is a little bit of resentment.”

But Garrard McClendon, who hosts a show on CLTV that often focuses on African-American issues, said those feelings of resentment go both ways.

“I think that sometimes African-Americans are disrespected by immigrants because immigrants don’t see us taking advantage of the [opportunities] we already have,” McClendon said.

McClendon also said he blames the media for perpetuating stereotypical images of black people as criminals, underemployed or womanizers.

One academic said African immigrants pick up on those cues.

David O. Stovall, who teaches African-American and education studies at the University of Illinois-Chicago, agrees that Africans have preconceived notions of African-Americans, some positive, some negative. “When people come to the States they already have an image of what black life is,” Stovall said.

Some African immigrants, Stovall said, see black people in the U.S. as a source of community, but others wish to distance themselves from them.

The source of the tension, Stovall said, is that Africans don’t understand the history of oppression that black people in the United States have faced. Additionally, many American black people are unaware of the turmoil that Africans have faced back home. The problem, Stovall said, “is our inability to communicate our history, to engage our histories.”

Though both groups have roots in the same continent, their histories and experiences differ significantly. To some, the American black community and the African immigrant community sometimes segregate themselves.

“Most of the African people seem to group among themselves,” said Alice Ogbarmey-Tetteh, a Ghanaian who has been living in Chicago for more than 30 years. “They have to learn how to socialize outside their community. If you want to survive in America you have to learn the system.”

From a sociological point of view, it is not simply a matter of integration between both groups. Mosi Ifatunji, race and ethnicity professor at UIC explained African immigrants are unable to understand why African-Americans are still upset about racial discrimination: The immigrants arrived at a point when it was formally over. “African immigrants are seeing a different America and therefore have a different set of expectations,” Ifatunji said. “African immigrants are not upset with American whites about slavery.”

For black people in the United States it is still hard to not have resentment against whites. “To simply forget about the past for African-Americans is sort of to throw their ancestors under the bus,” Ifatunji said.

Even the American-raised children of African immigrants may feel distanced from the African-American community.

“When you come from Africa to United States, your identity is formed by the African-American experience,” said Oluwabukola Adeyinka, who arrived from Nigeria when she was 5. “But I’m African. I have been my entire life.”

Adeyinka explained that older generations of Nigerians like her father have stereotypes of African-Americans as lazy and dangerous, despite having lived in the U.S. for years.

The distance between the American black and African immigrant communities is particularly apparent for immigrants during the census. Although they may not identify themselves as being part of the same group as African-Americans, they have only a single choice to select to identify their race on the census: “Black, African-American or Negro.”

Other races and ethnicities have several categories from which to choose.

This category is particularly troubling for Africans who don’t consider themselves black. “Ethiopians are a little lighter-skinned than black,” Lemma said.

Despite the tension and distance between Africans and African-Americans, there are some like United African Organization Director Alie Kabba, who think that both groups should work together to empower themselves as minorities in the United States.

“I think that in terms of electoral processes, Africans and African-Americans can generally work together,” Kabba said. “The same issues that [affect] the African community, also have an impact on the African-American community.”

There are also organizations such as Washington D.C.-based National Coalition on Black Civil Participation, whose objective is to eliminate the barriers among black communities to promote social and economic justice, according to its Web site.

Ifatunji thinks that the discussion shouldn’t be whether black groups could merge culturally, but instead enhancing their common political interest as minorities.

“Your cultural traditions, let it be your cultural traditions. Your history, let it be your history. But political, if nothing else, we have a common interest across all lines of color against white supremacy,” Ifatunji said. “Until we can be clear about that we’ll continue to suffer from white supremacy.”

It doesn't.
You just think it does.
So why do it?
How does it feel when other people do it to you?

How To Deal With People Who Put You Down

Insecure people have to make excuses and put others down to feel confident. Confidence isn't walking into a room with your nose in the air and thinking you're better than everyone else. It's walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone else in the first place.
-Author Unknown

Dealing with people who put you down can be a painful and hurtful experience. Sometimes, the scars even last a lifetime. Rare is the person who hasn't experienced put downs from people at various times throughout their lives. Even rarer is going through life not meeting one of these people somewhere along the way. So the best strategy seems to be to learn how to deal with them prior to interacting with them.

Here are some suggestions on how to deal with people who put you down:

People Who Put You Down Are Hurt Themselves

The first thing to know is that a happy, self confident, person does not put others down. They might provide constructive criticism but they won’t put others down. This tells you a lot about the person who criticizes you.

Some people are very negative about others because:
- they need to make themselves feel like they're in control or more powerful or to cover up their own insecurities
- they’ve experienced a trauma of their own in the past and they don’t know how to deal with the pain so they'll hurt others as a defense mechanism.

People’s tirades against you will probably reveal to you just how unhappy and disillusioned and frustrated that person is with life, and that's their problem, not yours. Knowing this can go a long way to being able to detach from the comments. If you know it has more to do with the person making the comments than about you, it makes it far easier not feel hurt by what’s been said. Emotionally detaching from a person like this can be hard to do but you need to refuse to become involved. That person wants you to feel badly about yourself. Don’t give them that power.

Comebacks and Comments for People Who Put You Down
The French have a great saying that translated means, “spirit of the stairs”. It’s all those comments and comebacks you think of later that you wished you’d said to the person at the time. But, really, it’s no use sinking to that person’s level. That’s what they want. They want to get a reaction out of you, they want you to feel bad and their intent quite likely was to hurt you. So, by responding with similar put downs against them really only plays into their plan and ends up hurting yourself. You also don’t want to end up with regrets later over what you said in anger. So, what can you say?

Try one of the following:

Thank you for your opinion
A response which will throw most criticizers off is to simply say, “Thank you for your opinion” and then just leave it at that. This effectively ends the conversation. They’re waiting for you to respond with anger or a comeback of your own and when you don’t, there’s nothing left for them to say.

Thank you for your gift but I think you should keep it.
When you feel that someone is attacking you can say to them:
“Thank you for your ‘gift’ - but I think you should keep it.”
Or
“That’s very generous of you but I can’t accept that.”

With this comment, it's a reminder to people how powerful their words are and that they should be more aware of what they're saying. Words can be used for good or evil and people tend to forget how damaging their words can be against someone's self esteem. It's also a reminder to you that it’s their anger not yours. You don’t need to take on someone else’s burden. They need to deal with their anger. They may want you to accept their hatred and anger as your own, but it’s really a “gift” that you don't need. If you take their comments to heart and let them fester inside of you then you've taken on their anger. Just let it go. You don't need it.

Thank You, You May Be Right
Sometimes, the best response is to say, “thank you, you may be right.” If a comment makes you feel defensive then that’s a clue that you need to look inside yourself and see why the comment bothers you so much. This could be like receiving a great gift because you’ve discovered an area within that needs healing. A person can't hurt you unless you let it. It's just a comment. That's why it's your reaction to the words that's the most important thing to look at. So you could try honestly looking at yourself to see why that person believes that particular comment is true. Are there things you could change? Can you see times when that comment is true about you? Also, can you figure out why this particular comment bothers you so much? It’s your reaction which will teach you the most about yourself. It's about you and not the other person in this case.

Let the person know how you feel
It’s so important not to sink to that person’s level by retaliating. You could tell the person that you find their comment offensive though. Not in an angry way. Just as a statement of fact. For example, “I feel offended when you dismiss my ideas like that.” Just say it calmly and wait for their response. If possible, try to do this when you’re one on one with the person. They may not even realize that they’re putting you down.
Or if it’s at work and you feel the person is making remarks about your personal behavior, for example, “You’re too sensitive”, you could say, “I’d like to keep this conversation on a professional level, Thanks.” or “Let’s keep our discussion focused on the real issue at hand here.”
This way you’re letting them know that you don’t appreciate their comments yet you’re remaining very professional.

Other aspects to consider in regards to put downs:

You Don’t Need Someone Else’s Approval
There are times when people’s comments will seem like a put down because you’re really seeking their wholehearted approval. They could even say something like, “This is wonderful work you’ve done but could you fix the last paragraph to be stronger?” Then because you're desperate for their approval, you don’t hear the good part, you only hear what you perceive to be a criticism in that they don’t like one section.
If you don’t take it as a put put down then you’ll be more open to taking the comment as an opportunity to improve yourself and your work.

Are They Confirming Your Story?
In some situations, you may be interpreting someone’s comments as a put down when none was intended. This could be because that’s what you’re expecting or because you’ve got an internal story happening and you see what you want to believe.

Here’s an example: If someone gives you a gift, and you truly believe that this person is only out to hurt you, you'll think something like, “sure, he’s just trying to get on my good side” or you’ll see it as insulting. When really the reality might be that they’re trying to show you how much they do care about you. So, ask yourself if you’re really hearing and seeing the situation just as it is, (nothing has any meaning until you give it meaning) or have you added your own story?

Are They Mirroring Your Beliefs?
Along with the point above is that if you feel deep inside that you’re unlovable, then people will treat you that way. If you feel you only deserve put downs and sarcasm, that is how people will treat you. So, if you discover that there’s a pattern with your relationships with other people, it may be time to ask yourself, what are your inner beliefs?

Be Aware of the Subtle Put Downs
When you stop and pay attention to the messages you’re receiving every day, you’ll discover that you’re being subjected to more put downs than you probably thought. That’s because they’re everywhere. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, everything you read, everything you see on TV, there are ads and different groups trying to tell you that you’re not good enough if you don’t have their latest product, or if you don’t look a certain way or if you don’t have a lot of material possessions or have a certain education. They subtly attack your self esteem and your self worth. No one likes to be criticized and it’s tempting to be sucked into their way of thinking. That’s why in order to really have a healthy self esteem, you need to be able to withstand these constant negative messages about your value.

Summary for Dealing With People Who Put You Down

When dealing with people who put you down, remember:

1. Don’t retaliate with your own putdowns.
2. The comments will tell you a lot about the person who’s making the comments. It’s their anger and frustration and they should deal with it, not you.
3. Can you discover a gift within the comments? You might learn something valuable about yourself that needs to be healed or you might learn how you really feel about yourself.
4. Are you reading something into the comments that aren’t really there because you’re expecting them or because you have certain beliefs?
5. Be aware of the subtle messages (like advertising) that you hear every day which try to destroy your sense of value and self worth.

Put downs are never pleasant to deal with but if you can use them to your advantage, then that’s the best solution of all.

Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit – Napoleon Hill

Source: Article by C. Pratt - lifewithconfidence.com

oyihou: The Disappearing Woman is a burden for a guy -
a heavy load to bear when he feels like he's the
center of your life. It could breed resentment in
the guy toward the woman, leading to marital
problems and even divorce.

Let block heads and copy cat advice block heads and copy cat.
How would couples value and appreciate themselves when they don't spend so much time together. Most successfull men want to be the center of their wife's life.

Checkout the marital life of some pastors that are called by God all their wives do is to give them support.
What can be so sweet as supporting your spouse with everything God gave you for free to serve humanity without expecting anything in return. MISSION GIVEN TO YOU BOTH BY GOD, SO THEIR IS NO PROBLEM IN MAKING YOUR SPOUSE THE CENTER OF YOUR LIFE TO PURSUE A PURPOSE TOGETHER GIVEN TO YOU BY GOD.

ONLY THE WORD OF GOD CAN STAND THE TEST OF TIME.

Stop interfering in the life of your neighbour for your own good for your opinion doesn't count since you cannot reveal your identity.

What can be so sweet as a husband supporting his wife in all HER endeavors, without expecting anything in return? Where is the problem in a husband making his wife the center of his life, working with her to pursue a purpose together given to the both of you by God?

Martyrdom is not a good look for today's woman.

Don't believe the hype!

ogoloray: A blue collar man chasing a white collar woman is nothing but an OPPURTUNIST.... Look all around u "RICH gals don't marry POOR boyz"

Look around YOU!

Rich men frequently date poor women. Are such women opportunists? Maybe. Maybe not.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Let the chips fall where they may.

If you marry for money, you're going to earn every penny of it.

[quote author=dimples*]Makes me pause and think! True essentials[/quote]Agreed!

What A Woman Should Have - What Every Woman Should Know
by Pamela R. Satran

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...one old boyfriend she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her of how far she's come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE..a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to quit her job, break up with a lover and confront a friend without ruining the friendship....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder... and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for money or love...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

Dating Dilemma: White Collar Woman - Blue Collar Man
By Dr. Phoenyx Austin

Have your ever turned down a date by, or are you considering pulling the plug on a relationship with a great guy because you’ve heard remarks like “he’s not on your level?” Are you a professional woman feeling pressured to turn down a great guy because he doesn’t have the abbreviations M.D. or Esq. after his last name?

For black women who have chosen to pursue the levels of higher education and profession, I think many have observed the lack of eligible male (particularly black male) counterparts. But for some professional black women fortunate to find a great guy, these same women are sometimes faced with the dating dilemma of feeling like their family, friends, and/or associates are frowning on their decision to date a blue collar man.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with this pressure. And I grew up observing how the “white collar woman and blue collar man” can be a great match. My father is what many would consider a “blue collar man.” He never went to college, and owns his own company. My mother attended prestigious universities, and earned her doctorate. They have been married almost 30 years- and for as long as I can remember, my father has loved and devoted himself to my mother and his daughters (myself included). Because of this, I’ve always looked for a man that mirrored similar qualities as my father. Furthermore, I grew up knowing that there wasn’t anything that a white collar man could give me that a blue collar man couldn’t.

And while I would never advise a woman to lower her standards (assuming she has reasonable standards), or just date anyone that approaches her, I do believe that sometimes women miss out on relationships with great men because we get too caught up in the superficial qualities of a man (like if he has a Ph.D. or drives a Mercedes), as well as what other people think.

At the end of the day, it’s your choice on who you love and who you build a life with- no one else’s. Moreover, I believe the best relationships are made by partners that are not only similar, but complement one another. Where you’re weak, your man is strong- and vice versa. This is what I saw from my parents- and it’s something I aim for as well. So if you’re a white collar woman who’s looking for true love, think twice before turning down that blue collar man who had the courage to step to you- he may turn out to be everything you should have been looking for.

"When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world." -Eckhart Tolle

When it comes to losing touch with themselves, some women seem to do that best, especially when it comes to relationships. They
inadvertently give up or stop doing many of the things they enjoyed before the relationship. Why? They were never asked to do so - weren't expected to do so - weren't told to give up or stop doing many of the things they enjoyed - they just did anyway.

The Disappearing Woman phenomenon is what happens when women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what's important to them and what makes them happy, just because they happen to be in a relationship. No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they become involved with a man they begin to give up part of themselves -- their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their beliefs and values. In time, these women find they have merged their lives with their partners' to the point where they have no life to go back to when and if the relationship ends.

Maybe that's why when many women divorce, it feels so freeing. Suddenly, they have time to return to the things they loved or find new interests. There's no one to tell them not to do that, even if it's their own voice inside their head that's been telling them. They don't have to please anyone other than themselves. And, of course, that independence, vitality and renewed passions are exactly the things that make them attractive to someone new.

So why aren't more women doing that in the relationships they already have?

Because women think they're being nice. Actually, they're being anything but nice -- to themselves and their partners.

By tossing away their own passions and interests, women lose their authenticity - their identity. They'll pretend to agree when they don't really agree, they'll go along with things they don't really believe in, and if they do that long enough, they'll no longer know what they feel.

There can be no truly happy outcome to that.

And, the more women give up of themselves, the less they are the women their partners were attracted to in the first place. Nice girls think they're giving up something to get something better in return. So they give up control over their own lives. When the time comes for them to get what they expected, they wind up disappointed. In addition to being empty-handed, they're emotionally depleted.

Many women find themselves in this dilemma because they've been brought up to see a romantic partnership as the main event of their lives.
How many women do you know who will break plans or give up a favorite activity for a guy? Not that it's not OK to do that from time to time or for certain situations; it's just that somehow in the togetherness of coupledom, too many women forget to have lives of their own. Instead, they look to their partners to fulfill all their needs -- and get frustrated and resentful when they're partners don't. They see the problem as something wrong with their partners, and not themselves.

The Disappearing Woman is a burden for a guy - a heavy load to bear when he feels like he's the center of your life. It could breed resentment in the guy toward the woman, leading to marital problems and even divorce.

More women than men in committed relationships are saying they need personal space and want nights out solo but, will they act on it?

Source: Huffington Post - Excerpted from the Article "Why Do Women Lose Themselves in Marriage?" by Vicki Larson

Pope Francis Assures Atheists: You Don’t Have to Believe in God to Go to Heaven

Michael Day
THE INDEPENDENT
Wednesday, 11 September 2013

In comments likely to enhance his progressive reputation, Pope Francis has written a long, open letter to the founder of La Repubblica newspaper, Eugenio Scalfari, stating that non-believers would be forgiven by God if they followed their consciences.

Responding to a list of questions published in the paper by Mr Scalfari, who is not a Roman Catholic, Francis wrote: “You ask me if the God of the Christians forgives those who don’t believe and who don’t seek the faith. I start by saying – and this is the fundamental thing – that God’s mercy has no limits if you go to him with a sincere and contrite heart. The issue for those who do not believe in God is to obey their conscience.

“Sin, even for those who have no faith, exists when people disobey their conscience.”

Robert Mickens, the Vatican correspondent for the Catholic journal The Tablet, said the pontiff’s comments were further evidence of his attempts to shake off the Catholic Church’s fusty image, reinforced by his extremely conservative predecessor Benedict XVI. “Francis is a still a conservative,” said Mr Mickens. “But what this is all about is him seeking to have a more meaningful dialogue with the world.”

In a welcoming response to the letter, Mr Scalfari said the Pope’s comments were “further evidence of his ability and desire to overcome barriers in dialogue with all”.

In July, Francis signalled a more progressive attitude on sexuality, asking: “If someone is gay and is looking for the Lord, who am I to judge him?”

Your thoughts?

*Below is an essay, by a Nigerian woman, who confronted her own prejudices about African-Americans.

Coming to Black America
A Native of Nigeria Confronts Her Own Prejudices About African Americans.

By May Akabogu-Collins

My sister, Agnes, was visiting from Harvard law school, and we were strolling the streets of Koreatown that summer of 1989. I was a doctoral student of economics at USC. Bored, we entered a video store and were excited to find "Coming to America."

"What do we need to rent a movie?" Agnes asked the cashier.

"Just a minute. I go ask," she replied, and she disappeared to the back. Just then, another clerk approached and said something in a thick accent. It sounded like: "Sorry, only Koreans."

Agnes and I wondered if we had misheard. Then the owner appeared, not looking thrilled to see us. "Credit card and driver license," she announced. Agnes heaved a sigh of relief and pulled out her wallet. After scrutinizing her American Express card and license for what seemed like a minute, the owner declared: "One hundred dollars cash deposit and you leave license here."

By this time Agnes and I had the scent: Only Koreans.

Growing up in Africa, my impression of the black American was of a lazy, uneducated, ghetto-dwelling, dependent, disruptive and accomplished criminal. Upon arriving in America in 1980, I was surprised to find black American students on a college campus. Racial preferences, I thought, and distanced myself from them. But now, at least according to the Korean video clerk, I was one of them.

I'm not exactly sure where or how I got this stereotype of black Americans, though I'm certain the movies had something to do with it. As did my parents. When I left Nigeria for grad school, my dad told me: If you look for racism in America, you'll find it. But prove to them that you are a tribal African, not one of those addle-brained former slaves. And do steer away from them; they're nothing but trouble.

When my mother came to visit, she made us cross the road upon spotting a black man approaching. With her it wasn't just prejudice against black Americans. A real estate magnate in Nigeria, she would rent only to expatriates—Caucasians and non-black foreigners. "The black man has no respect for property," she claimed. And it didn't matter if he was the college or bank president.

In grad school, I collaborated in my own discrimination. A Korean classmate was equally surprised to find me—a black doctoral student. She had grown up in Korea to believe that black people were "lazy and dumb . . . only dance and crime." I concurred but with a slight modification: "only black Americans, not black Africans." I had assumed that to get respect in America, I needed to distinguish myself from those blacks.

Of course, some African Americans resent the self-righteous attitude of some black Africans. Once, upon learning that I was a professor, one acquaintance responded with a touch of envy: "You Africans come here and grab the affirmative action jobs designed specifically for us. You people think you're better blacks."

Although we were raised in Africa to revere expatriates, my sister and I were never made to believe that we were their intellectual inferiors. We attended the same schools as their children, excelling academically as well as athletically. There was no animosity or tension. So while I kept my distance from black campus groups in America, I had no self-consciousness among a predominantly white or Asian population.

But the Korean video store was a turning point. As a target of old-fashioned explicit racism, for the first time I felt the rage and frustration of the black American. And, as I watched Koreatown go up in flames during the L.A. riots of 1992, I understood the motivation.

After grad school, I found myself the only black professor at a small college in Pennsylvania, where I was seen as a representative of a group rather than as an individual. I felt tacit pressure. Although I would rather have slept in on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I felt obligated to attend campus events. Black History Month became my Armageddon. I was a walking laboratory—a field trip for African Studies students, something akin to an ornament. I resented that burden.

I had spent 15 years in America trying to prove I was a better black. By the time of the O.J. Simpson verdict, I was no longer proud of all that time and energy.

It was October 3, 1995. The all-white faculty had convened at the department lounge outside my office to watch the televised verdict: Not guilty, both counts! Almost simultaneously, I could hear my colleagues: A travesty! Dumb jurors! Whaaaat! I shed a few tears, said a little prayer for the repose of Nicole's soul and stepped into the lounge on my way to class. Silence greeted me. I had fully intended to join in the condemnation of the verdict and to share with my colleagues how Nicole's murder had convinced me to finally end my violent marriage. But then I read the expression on the pink faces: You're black, therefore . . . I quickly continued on to my classroom, where, once again, I confronted an all-white student body. What did I think of the verdict? They wanted to know. I sensed the hostility, canceled class and left campus for the day—and decided to move back to California.

When I arrived in America, the dynamics of black-white politics were unfamiliar. In a monetary theory course that first semester, I received the highest score on the midterm exam. The professor announced, as he handed back my exam: "You surprised me; I kept slowing down for you, thinking you were lost." A compliment, I thought. Not so, said a classmate. The professor had presumed you were dumb because you are black, she explained. I wasn't persuaded. But many years later, I began to understand how that was a plausible interpretation.

My dad had said, "If you look for racism . . . . " I hadn't been looking for it that first semester, so I may have missed it. Fifteen years later, I still wasn't looking for it when I stepped into the faculty lounge after the Simpson verdict. Yet, there it was.

Nevertheless, it would take me more years, and hours of watching "Oprah," to comprehend the black experience in America. As Oprah interviewed proud and successful black American women—Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, Condoleezza Rice—who wore their blackness like empresses, I began to feel racial pride. As I watched Oprah pay tribute on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and saw Coretta Scott King with her erect posture that commanded respect, I began to understand what a big deal the civil rights movement was. Then I could appreciate the need for a Black Student Union on college campuses and the significance of Black History Month.

Today, I'm a lot more secure in my blackness and much more comfortable among black Americans. I prefer to be described as a Negro woman, although I see myself, in the words of Alice Walker, as "a womanist." Still, being black now feels more like a birthright than a burden.


about the author...

May Akabogu-Collins is a retired college professor of economics as well as a well-published freelance writer. She has a
PhD in economics from the University of Southern California. She also holds an MBA in Finance as well as a B.A in economics. She taught economics for 25 years and only just retired in the Spring of 2012. Although she enjoyed de-mystifying abstract economic concepts to eager university students, she says that her passion has always been writing. Her essays have appeared in Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Newsweek as well as the Christian Science Monitor. She has traveled all over the world in pursuit of my stories. With a grant, she is currently writing her memoir about motherhood.


Questions...

If you've confronted your own prejudices about certain ethnic groups, what did you learn about yourself, as well as the particular ethnic group/s?

If you haven't confronted your own prejudices about certain ethnic groups, do you ever ask yourself why?

dayokanu: Below is an article from the Huffington Post and it definitely wasnt talking about Nigerians.



Fact is that globally women are more likely to forgive infidelity more than men include our fabled Oyinbo women who some believe are rare breeds.

The bold part of it from a place where its a womans world yet women forgive more than men

Good point!

But...why is it that women are more prone to forgive infidelity than men?

dayokanu: But despite that the West being a womans world Western women too are still more likely to forgive infidelity than Western men

You are very correct!

However, do you ever wonder how these said women handle the knowledge that their hubbys are sexing other women?

Of the married women I know, that KNOW their hubbys are stepping out - they don't look happy...and it shows on their faces. Some of them look aged beyond their years. Add that to the public humiliation.

Very shameful in IMO.