₦airaland Forum

Are there any Black Americans who have taken residence in Nigeria either as a result of marriage or as a result of voluntary geographic displacement? That’s a persistent question that many of my African-American students and friends have asked me.

When a student first asked me this question 2005, I knew of only one Black American woman who called Nigeria home. By 2006, I learned of another Black American man who married a Nigerian woman and lived with her in Benin City for many years. And just late last year, I learned of a fascinating Black American woman who has lived in New Bussa (which used to be my local government headquarters until it was ceded to Niger State in 1992) for nearly 40 years. So who are they?

The first “Black-American Nigerian” I know or heard of is Mrs. Dianne Oputa, the charming and vivacious wife of maverick Nigerian music star Charles “Charlie Boy” Oputa. She has been married to her husband for over 30 years. The first time I heard her speak on Nigerian national television in the early 1990s, I had not the dimmest clue that she was American; she’d lost all her American accent.

Then in 2006 I subscribed to a Nigerian-centered Internet discussion group where I encountered a Black American man by the name of Larry Ukali Johnson-Redd who said he’d had cause to relocate to Nigeria for many years after getting married to a Nigerian lady. While in Nigeria, he taught government at Eghosa Grammar School in Benin City, the Edo State capital. Unfortunately, his wife took ill and died. So he returned to the United States, but he still periodically visits Nigeria.

I don’t know if Mr. Johnson-Redd has a Nigerian citizenship, but my understanding is that the Nigerian constitution grants him citizenship on account of his marriage to a Nigerian.

The most recent “Black-American Nigerian” I discovered is a certain enamoring woman called Mrs. Cecilia Crump Erinne who has been living in Nigeria for nearly 40 years. She is married to a Nigerian engineer by the name of Mr. Edwin Erinne with whom she has six children, one whom is a Ph.D. student at Kennesaw State University where I am an Assistant Professor.

Unlike the two “Black-American Nigerians” I mentioned earlier, Mrs. Erinne, originally from the Southern U.S. state of Mississippi, lived in rural Nigeria for most of the time she has lived in Nigeria. It must take exceptional love and dedication to make the transition from America to rural Nigeria. (She now lives in Enugu with her husband after retiring from the Niger State Ministry of Education.)

When I got a chance to speak with her here in America in December last year, she sounded nothing like an American. Her accent and mannerisms were decidedly Nigerian. It turned out that she was a colleague of my dad’s immediate younger, the late J.B. Kperogi, at Borgu Secondary School, one of the oldest and most prestigious secondary schools in my part of Nigeria.

My uncle taught English for many years at the school and was the school’s Vice Principal before he retired to join partisan politics in the late 1970s.
Mrs. Erinne taught math and science to generations of Nigerians at the same school and became the school’s principal before she retired in the early 2000s. I had a surreal sensation when I discovered that this delightful “Black-American Nigerian” knew a member of my family.

There are certainly more Black-American Nigerians than the three I’ve mentioned here. But they can’t be that many. There are more Black Americans in other West African countries than there are in Nigeria. When I lived in Louisiana, for instance, I met many Black Americans who had homes in Ghana, the Gambia, Senegal, and Benin Republic. They visited their adopted families in these countries during summers. By contrast, the only Black Americans I know or heard of came to our country by way of marriage.

This is strange. By several accounts, the African ancestral roots of more than 40 percent of American Blacks are traceable to what is now Nigeria. You would expect that the search for “authenticity” and ancestral rootedness, which has historically been a big deal in middle-class Black America, would attract them to Nigeria.

After all, between the late 1950s and the early 1960s, scores of Black Americans immigrated to Ghana both in a symbolic search for identity and in solidarity with Ghana’s independence from British colonialism in 1957. In fact, celebrated Black American scholar WEB Dubois renounced his American citizenship and died a Ghanaian in 1963.

So why do American Blacks shun Nigeria? There are at least two reasons for this. First, “Slave trade tourism,” which draws large swaths of Black Americans to Ghana, the Gambia, Senegal and Benin Republic, is almost absent in Nigeria. This is a shame because Nigeria has more historic claims to the ancestral provenance of African Americans than the countries that have been cashing in on “slave trade tourism.”

Blame this on Nigeria’s backward and shortsighted leadership since independence.

Second, Nigeria’s emergent postcolonial leaders were so beholden to the power structure in Washington that they deliberately avoided any associations with Black-American leaders in the 1960s. For instance, at the instance of the American government, the Prime Minister Abubakar Tafawa-Balewa shunned Malcolm X when he visited Nigeria in the early 1960s; the Ghanaian government, on the other hand, gave him a red-carpet reception.

Again this is a shame because Nnamdi Azikiwe, Nigeria’s first ceremonial president, was one of the first Africans, if not the first African, to be educated at a Historically Black College and University in America. Azikiwe graduated from Lincoln University, an all-black university in Pennsylvania, in 1930. In fact, Ghana’s Kwame Nkrumah, an icon of pan-Africanism, wrote in his autobiography that it was Azikiwe that inspired—and recommended— him to study at Lincoln University.

A measure of the regard Azikiwe had in Black America was evident in the fact that WEB Dubois personally attended Azikiwe’s inauguration as Nigeria’s first Governor-General in 1960.

But because Ghana had a more progressive and independent-minded leadership, it was to it that many African Americans migrated in the 1960s. Successive Ghanaian governments consciously court and cultivate the friendship of our kith across the Atlantic. Not so in Nigeria.

In 2003, I met the younger brother of Alex Haley (the famous author of Roots: The Saga of an American Family and coauthor of The Autobiography of Malcolm X) who became America’s ambassador to the Gambia. He told me the frustration he had when he tried to persuade Olusegun Obasanjo, then Nigeria's military Head of State, to grant dual citizenship to African Americans in the late 1970s in order to foster a greater bond between Nigeria and Black America. He said instead of giving a thought to his suggestions, Obasanjo peremptorily granted him an honorary Nigerian citizenship and shot down any further discussion on the issue.

This made me sad.

One of the names Malcolm X cherished intensely till his death was the name he was given by students of the University of Ibadan when he visited Nigeria in May 1964. The name was “Omowale,” Yoruba for “the child has returned home.” When will Nigeria officially open its doors and welcome home its estranged children in the Western diaspora?

Source: farooqaperogi.com

Photos:

No. 1 - Charles "Charlie Boy" Oputa and his wife of 33 years and counting
No. 2 - Mr. Larry Ukali Johnson-Redd in Nigeria
No. 3 - Mrs. Cecilia Crump-Erinne
No. 4 - Malcolm X in Africa

Isn't it mean and hateful to deport illegal immigrants?

Two Views:

VIEW 1

NO!!!

"Illegal immigration is creating major economic burdens for many countries around the world, with no end in sight. If they don't start to control the immigration problem, then they are going to be over-run sooner than expected. Illegal immigrants are causing undue burdens on countries who are trying to address the strain upon their infrastructures, social programs, hospitals and schools. Add these concerns to anti-immigrant protests, violence and outright murder by the natives who feel threatened by their perceived loss of economic status and it's like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, in the worst way. What country can continue to allow thousands upon thousands of illegal immigrants in, without some sort of backlash from their citizens? The more illegal immigrants are allowed to enter countries - the less their home countries have to worry about. It's a win-win situation for the home countries. It's not fair." - Philemon R., Ireland

VIEW 2

YES!!!

"Illegal immigrants should be allowed to stay in any country that is able to offer them a better life. They should not be sent back to their own countries. They could really help other countries. Most immigrants do jobs that other people don’t want to do. They can help increase the population, and some may be very skilled. Letting illegal immigrants enter a country could improve a relationship between countries. Coming to another country may be the only option for most immigrants. Fleeing their country could be their only choice, if they want to stay alive and have a better life. Also, there isn’t really a good reason not to let them into another country. Some immigrants may have a relative in that country too. So to sum it up, countries should not send them back. Fleeing their country may be a do or die situation." -Patience O., Great Britain

Source: BBC's Talking Point / June 2014

Where do YOU stand on this issue?

For the most part, parents would try to shield their children from domestic violence as much as possible. They may hope or fantasise that their children do not know what is happening, which is usually a myth, because children know a lot more than the parents usually realise.

Sadly, however, in the vast majority of families where there are children and where abuse is being perpetrated, the children will definitely be aware of the abuse and will often hear it or actually see it going on. In some cases, the children themselves will get caught up in it and will suffer physical or sexual abuse from the same individual.

Some mothers and children use silence or denial to cope with abuse. But it is important to know that most children would like the opportunity to speak about the violence and to talk about what they are feeling.

Parents must talk and listen to their children without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for their parents’ behaviour. Explain to them that the violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems. You must remember that your children will naturally trust you and it’s important not to break that trust by lying to them.

Encourage your children to talk about their wishes and feelings. Spend quiet time with them and gently encourage them to talk about how they feel. Sometimes, children will not talk if they are still in the abusive environment for fear it may escalate; or for fear that they will be responsible for making it worse.

Sometimes, one or more of your children may become aggressive or abusive towards you or other members of the family. Some boys may try to copy the violence they see their father commit against their mother, or they may live in fear that they will turn out like him. This may become a temporary behavioural problem from the child, but requires attention from the parents.

It is equally important to know that if your child is abusive towards their mother in particular as a result of witnessing domestic violence in the family, it is not your fault. However, a severely aggressive or abusive child can have a negative effect on the other children in the family.

The term ‘domestic violence’ or ‘domestic abuse’ is used to describe any incident or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who is or has been a family member or living in a family setting. These may be psychological, physical, sexual, emotional including verbal threats, controlling behaviour and financial.

Although a man abusing a woman is recognised more often, the adult may be both genders and it can happen in any class, religion, race, occupation or age.

Sometimes, people like to think that alcohol can cause a person to be violent. Alcohol itself does not cause domestic violence, but there is evidence that where DV exists, alcohol is often present. Anyone can be a victim of DV and nowadays, it can also take place on mobiles, the internet and other social networking sites. I am sometimes alarmed at the strength and force of people’s venom towards one another on these sites.

Children can witness DV in a variety of ways. For example, they may be in the same room and get caught in the middle of an incident, perhaps in an effort to make the violence stop. They may be in another room but be able to hear the abuse or to see their mother’s physical injuries following an incidence of violence; or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing their mother.

Parents must always remember that children are completely dependent on the adults around them and if they do not feel safe in their own home, this can have may negative physical and emotional effects. It’s important to realise that all children who witness DV are being emotionally abused.

Children will react in different ways to having being brought up in a home with a violent person. Age, sex, stage of development, cultural views and individual personalities will all have an effect on a child’s responses. However, most children will be affected in some way by tension or by witnessing arguments, distressing behaviour or assaults, even if it is not immediately obvious to the adults around.

Significantly, children may think that they are to blame or they may feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless or confused. They may have ambivalent feelings both towards the abuser and towards the non abusing parent.

Some of the more common effects of DV on children include the following: anxiety, depression, difficulty in sleeping, nightmares, or flash backs. Children may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches or they may even start to wet their beds. They may have a period where they display serious temper tantrums and behave as though they are much younger than they are. Very often, they may develop problems at school, become aggressive to other school mates and their siblings. They may internalise their dislikes and withdraw from other people. They may have a low sense of self-worth. They may go on to develop self-harming, coping mechanisms.

Violence can also interfere with your children’s social relationships; they may feel unable to invite friends round out of shame, fear or concern about what their friends might see. They may feel guilty and think the violence is their fault, or that they ought to be able to stop it in some way. There can be an impact on their achievements in school. Some children will be preoccupied with thoughts on how to protect their mother. This worry and lack of concentration can have very negative effects on their school work.

Girls are more likely to keep their distress inside. They may become withdrawn from other people and become anxious and depressed. They may think badly of themselves and complain about vague physical symptoms. They are more likely to have an eating disorder or harm themselves in other ways.

Children who have witnessed violence are more likely to be either abusers or victims themselves. Children tend to copy the behaviour of their parents. Boys can learn from their fathers to be violent to women, and girls learn from their mothers that violence is to be expected and something you just have to put up with.

Some children appear resilient and are able to withstand and are less affected by the DV. Children don’t always repeat the same patterns when they grow up. Many children don’t like what they see, and try very hard not to make the same mistakes as their parents. Even so, children from violent families often grow up feeling anxious and depressed, and find it difficult to get on with other people.

Open communication is helpful, rather than trying to hide the problem. Children are able to cope better and recover when they get the right and support, for example, from other family members, peers and educationist. Some children may find it helpful to speak to a professional (like a trained counsellor).

Remember, it is important to keep yourself and your children safe. Domestic violence is a crime against humanity; it is very damaging on many levels and should not be tolerated.

Source: punchng.com - Article by Gloria Ogunbadejo (gogunbadejo@yahoo.co.uk)

Whether the man (or woman) is Nigerian or not, it can be difficult to determine if that foreigner you're dating is free to date, marry or is already taken.

How To Know If Your Nigerian Man Is Married, Seeing Someone Else Or, Has A Wife Back Home
By Olaniyi "The Voice" Abodedele

Today I want to stand up and speak on behalf of many innocent ladies across the globe who have been deceived by a few Nigerian men for one reason or the other while they are married to a Nigerian lady.

Nigeria is a country made up of the lawful and the unlawful, pretty much like other countries we all know. One difference is, Nigerians see the developed world as countries which present them with great opportunities they can take advantage of. The honest truth is that, they are a hard working bunch, no matter which field they find themselves.

For too long, Nigeria and Nigerians have been readily associated with the online scams, financial crime, identity theft, deceit and impersonation – termed ‘419’. However, beyond the unfortunate stereotyping, there are several positive characteristics and cogent intriguing traits of the country, and its people.

Mostly when you hear about Nigerian men, it’s either about one controversy or the other, the sad reality is that bad news spread like wild fire over good news. A country so blessed, yet, refuses to grow due to corruption and ignorance of its leaders, a country so blessed; yet, honesty is a scace commodity amongst majority of its citizen. A country so blessed; yet, the mindset of the average person are questionable. Despite all these Nigerian men are still one of the most loving men, if you are lucky to meet the good ones.

The topic about Nigerian men is never ending from Africa to Europe to Asia to the middle East, down to America and Australia; they are cherished by lucky women who have met the right ones, and by women who are yet to be stung by the few selfish, self-centered and desperate Nigerian men out there. Experiences differ from woman to woman, a lot have been hurt by sheer insincerity of some Nigerian men, while so many have had the privilege to experience real love.

Bold, brash, infuriating, funny, crafty, big-hearted, double-dealing, sexy, crazy, loving, mischievous, hard working. Never say never. Take your pick! All these adjectives (and more) describe the quite essential Nigerian man. A lot has been said about them, some good, some not so good, yet they are in high demand by many ladies all around the world.

During the December holiday and festivities in Nigeria, you will be amazed by the different kind of Nigerians you will come across. Nigerian-Indian, Nigerian-Chinese, Nigerian-Afghan, Nigerian-British, Nigerian-American, Nigerian-South-African, Nigerian-Zimbabwean, and Nigerian-Saudi-Arabian; trust me the list continues and is as many as the number of countries you can remember. It is baffling how Nigerian men meet ladies from India, Afghanistan and more. The norms and traditional beliefs in these countries are so tough, yet Nigerian men come home with ladies from these countries. The answer is not so farfetched, Nigerian men don’t give up; they are very persistent and go all out for what they want, not minding at what cost they get it.

There's the absolute belief that Nigerian mothers raise their daughters while they spoil their sons. Definitely true. From the time he comes screaming from her womb into the world, and all rejoice that "it's a boy!", he is adored by the female folk in the family, whether mothers, sisters and aunties, and their girlfriends/wives are expected to pick up from there. How many little girls have been asked to wash dishes and when asked if Junior can join her, have been told "No! He can’t because he is a boy!" How many hearts have been broken by those brown, twinkly deceiving eyes and wicked, dimpled grin? They are most likely countless.

How many ladies have fallen for the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" to the "It wasn't my fault; she tricked me into getting her pregnant!" Nigerian men are as different as they come but there are some characteristics that stand them out that are constant and trail them wherever they go. THEY ARE HARD-WORKING, THEY PLAY HARD, THEY LOVE THE GOOD THINGS OF LIFE, THEY LOVE WOMEN, THEY HAVE "SWEET MOUTH", MOST OF THEM ARE FINE & THEY LOVE GOOD FOOD.

It is a fact that most foreign ladies have had bad experiences with some Nigerian men; likewise a lot have experienced real love and care from their Nigerian partners. A lot have been hurt, and a lot have also hurt Nigerian men in return. I guess it’s a general characteristic of humans when it comes to relationships and not just Nigerian men.

For the sake of innocent women who are in relationships with Nigerian men, and are looking forward to marriage, we will suggest you look out for any of the following signs to be sure your man is who he says he is. One honest truth about Nigerian men is that they are very smart and good at whatever they choose to do, be it lying, cheating, illegal or legal stuff, so you must also be intelligent and smart to deal with them.

Let us examine issues before proceeding further. It has been established that one of the most fundamental urges of human existence is to form a pair. Such pairing may be in the form of friendship, love, relationship, companionship of any other sort (marriages, civil unions, etc.) Right from the beginning of time, humans have been attracted and attached to each other- remember Adam and Eve? There is the attachment or bond between mother and child and there is the kinship system in most human cultures that calls for and explains the universality of marriage. Despite these natural tendencies, human beings all over the world are faced with a myriad modern tendencies that has affected and still affecting marriages.

For example, Nigerians living in the Diaspora have been experiencing high divorce rates. Reasons for such alarming divorce rate may differ from one couple to another, yet a good number of Nigerian couples are still married to each other, even when some of the ladies know their husband in the Diaspora is married to a foreign lady abroad. These discoveries are very alarming and have played a major part in me writing this article. I have seen situations where Nigerian women lie with their husbands, telling foreign women that they are their sisters, or a brother's wife and they even help clean up the house. They sleep in the guest room while their husband and the foreign woman sleep in the master bedroom. What a life. will you agree to this? One thing you must have up in your head as a foreign lady is that a few Nigerian men are selfish and self-centered.

Back to the basis of the article; how to know if your Nigerian man is married, seeing someone else or has a wife back home in Nigeria.
First, if you are getting married to your Nigerian man, and any of his family members, especially his parents are not present or involved in the marriage, you should have every right to be worried. Don’t welcome the excuse “we don’t have enough money to invite them”. Marriage is a lifetime experience. Knowing the Nigerian culture, it is an absolute joy for parents to see their children getting married and will do as much as they can to support the wedding financially or otherwise.

Let’s assume you fall for the excuse as to why his family or parents could not be part of your wedding. If after two years into the wedding, he has not taken you to Nigeria to meet his parents and entire family, and you are yet to see any concrete plan he is making to achieve that, you should have every reason to cry foul; in most cases there is something to hide. If your Nigerian man is financially buoyant and travels to Nigeria most often and has never insisted you come with him, do the calculations all by yourself.

When you are dating him and he refuses to take you to his house where he stays, and he continues to give you excuses, or he tells you he stays with his friends, his brother or his sister, be alert, especially when he gives you appointments at restaurants and you guys sleep over at hotels or at his friend’s house. Face it Girl, you are a fling- the dude is most likely married or has a steady affair.

One thing ladies should understand is that most Nigerian families, especially brothers and sisters will stand by each other, even if it means lying to save or support whomever is involved. If your man buys a lot of children’s clothes, toys, chocolates and ladies' clothing more often and sends them home, seriously, you have every reason to be worried. Something is wrong somewhere. It is most likely that he is not only married back home but also has kids.

If suddenly your Nigerian man starts to talk about his sister which he didn’t usually talk about in the past, and receives phone calls very often from that sister of his, please be careful. That sister is most likely married to him or she is his girlfriend back home in Nigeria. If you are not smart enough, he will most likely introduce her to you, in order to soften your heart and believe his story.

Pay close attention, when a Nigerian man is not legal in the country and begins to talk about how you should help him become legal. If you notice the desperation in him and all he talks about with you is how to be legal and, afterwards, invite his sister or brother's wife for a visit, at that point you should be very vigilant. I strongly advice you begin to make your own personal investigations.

One thing most Nigerians take seriously is religion. Ask to go to church with him regularly and tell him to introduce you to his pastor. If he refuses to take you to church with him, or does not want you to meet his pastor or imam, something is wrong. You are most likely a fling and, he has no intention of marrying you. If he doesn’t want you to meet his friends or whenever you guys are with his friends and he acts reluctant to leave you alone talking with them, something is not right somewhere. The average Nigerian man likes to flaunt or show off their women to their friends and family.

It is quite unfortunate that many foreigners have a negative perception of Nigerians, and they fail to see the good side of these wonderful black people. Yes, I very much agree that there are a number of unscrupulous Nigerians who tarnish the image of the country every now and then. But they are few in number considering the large population of the country. This is a country of over 160 million people. If, for instance, only 10% of the population, just 10%, have some bad traits; that small percentage gives a whopping 16 million people. Just imagine! That number is more than the population of some six to ten West African countries put together!

LADIES, regardless of your upbringing or how desperate you are to get married, once you are an adult, it's your responsibility to set the standard on how you want to be treated. Just because your friends’ Nigerian men are treating her good is no reason you should jump into the hands of any Nigerian man that comes your way.

You deserve to be happy and only you can choose the way you want to live.

Source: yahoogroup - fornaijamenonly

Why do some marriages last a lifetime, while some end in divorce?

Are there some behaviors that are just universally destructive to a marriage?

Why do you they think some marriages end in divorce, even when there are no readily identifiable reasons for spouses to end the marriage?

21 Reasons Why Some People Get So Lucky in Life
By Bob Miglani

Did you ever look at someone and think, "He is so lucky. He has money, he's in a great relationship and wow -- what a great career, being able to travel like that?" I've done it too. And as my mind entertained this thought, I would find myself in an often depressing place overthinking about reasons why I wasn't as successful as "that guy." I wasn't so lucky. I wasn't lucky to be born with good looks or into the right family. I wasn't lucky enough to have the right education or lucky enough to be at the right place at the right time.

But as I grew in my career and in my life and by meeting lots of people from all over the world in so many walks of life, I made this profound realization:

Sure, we can be born into it and fall into it. But so many successful people I met -- from couples in blissful long-term relationships to successful career women to billionaires to profoundly happy people who have very little -- became "lucky" because they think differently and take certain actions.

As I thought about my own journey of learning to deal with uncertainty these days, I realized that in the absence of luck being granted to us by the lottery of birth, we all can get a chance to get lucky.

Here are 21 reasons why some people get lucky in life:

Lucky people...

1. Work hard... quietly. They don't boast, toast or celebrate. They do. Toiling away at their craft day in and day out. They don't announce it on Facebook or tweet about it on Twitter. Lucky people get busy working.

2. Surround themselves with positive people who build them up not tear them down. Life is hard enough as it is without having to worry about negative people slowing you down.

3. Put positive seeds into their mind every single day. All of us wake up with sometimes random thoughts that can debilitate. By proactively choosing the right words and actions, some people overcome those morning limitations set by the mind. They have certain rituals. A morning run, meditation, prayer or their morning cup of coffee while walking the dog.

4. Fight the overthinking mind each day. You are not alone. We all overthink choices that lie ahead. It can be a daily battle. Is it in their DNA? Maybe. But increasingly I've learned that some people -- especially happier people make a choice to limit their overthinking mind.

5. Have a clear purpose. Lucky people have a crystal clear objective. Either to provide for their children more than they had growing up or to successfully launch their business. Whatever their cause, lucky people have a magnet attracting them to their goals.

6. Accept imperfection. They don't say, "It's not a good time right now." But they do say, "It's always a good time right here and right now." They know the right time will never come to them. They have to go out and make it the right time.

7. They don't gossip or pay attention to the critics. Lucky people don't get distracted by the naysayers, doubters or haters. They don't allow the negativity to enter their mind. Shrugging off a desire to gossip or respond to critics, lucky people smile and keep walking forward.

8. They feel more than they think. They are often driven by emotion and passion about their endeavor. Thinking is important but often we let our minds direct us forward. And when we face difficult circumstance, we are conflicted between what we think and what we feel. Lucky people seem to lead from the heart not the head.

9. They focus on the goal, not the plan. Plans can change. Chaos can interrupt the best laid plans. But goals don't. Happy marriage, talented kids, meaningful work and a successful career -- these usually remain constant but how we get there can change over time.

10. They take lots of action. Lucky people have a bias for trying things, even if they may fail. They create certainty by moving forward rather than sitting still. Momentum goes when your energy flows.

11. They are open to meeting anyone, anytime. Talking openly to anyone who'll listen to their ideas, lucky people smile and engage -- opening up their minds to chance meetings with strangers where one thing can lead to another.

12. Remain in the day to day. Letting go of the past and focusing on the present moments, lucky people direct their effort at what they can control right here and right now. Not worrying as much about yesterday or tomorrow.

13. They get hurt by the setbacks and the failures as much as anyone but they keep going because they know that they'll come out of it. They have this powerful belief that tough times pass and that if they persevere long enough, they'll get through the failures.

14. They believe in themselves. They're not arrogant. Lucky people feel that all of us have this inner strength... this resiliency of the human mind that can achieve great things.

15. They're always curious, asking questions of the simplest things to everyone they know. They want to understand how things work. They are explorers wanting to get to the bottom of things. They welcome new ideas, thoughts or observations.

16. They know that getting to success is never a straight line but a path full of curves and side roads. Lucky people zig zagged their way through life often in uncharted waters.

17. Are grateful. Recognizing that life is not a right but a gift, lucky people act with great humility.

18.Admit that they're not that smart. Lucky people become smart and learn by trying. They read. They toil. Admit their faults. Apologize quickly and move on. Recognizing that happiness and success in life comes from constant learning.

19. They serve others. From launching a new business to sustaining a happy marriage requires serving someone else than yourself. Lucky people give generously to others through their effort in their jobs, careers, business and their personal lives. Their effort is found on ensuring others have what they need before their own needs are met.

20. Know that they're not born lucky. They become lucky by studying, working and refining their craft. They are not born smart but become smart by reading, developing, cultivating and growing. Lucky people don't count on luck. They make a choice to think differently and to take action.

21. They're hungry. They want it badly. They believe they have something of value to give to the world and are aching to give it. Lucky people jump out of bed in the morning. They sacrifice -- giving up the luxuries of the modern world (TV, Facebook, etc.) -- so that they can get to work fulfilling the promise they make to themselves.

Are you lucky?

okparaugo: I just heard a lady telling a man this morning, " You are not man enough"..

Ladies, if you were to address a man(your father, brother, husband, son, boyfriend) according to topic, in what context will you use it ?

Ladies only..

Sometimes a woman says this about a man when...

...she's been put in a position of 'mothering' him
...she thinks he's not ambitious enough
...she's continually se*ually frustrated by him
...she feels she can't depend on him to provide and protect as 'head of household'
...he lacks initiative and needs to be ordered around to do things, which she hates
...he can't seem to stand up for himself in front of family and friends
...when he's always complaining about problems, instead of seeking solutions to those problems
...she thinks he's too 'pretty' or looks 'gay'
...he exhibits ANY feminine mannerisms or behavior what-so-ever

Hmmm..the only way a marriage can be dissolved is when there's infidelity, eh?

So...a marriage can't be dissolved if the wife is...

...beaten like a Hebrew slave

...burdened with a husband who's allergic to work

...tired of coming second place to drugs, alcohol and X-rated entertainment

...tired of 'faking it"

...not being fulfilled in the marriage bed, because the husband is impotent

...fertile but the husband is not and is in denial

...tired of being called nasty names and accused of being the biggest s*lut in the village

...always hiding money, so the husband can't gamble it off

...tired of the interference from her in-laws

...just generally fed up with her husband's irresponsible ways.


Oh well...I guess wives in these positions should suck it up and shut it up.

Why should they be happy?

What was I thinking?

Qsscruz: So you actually took your time to type that epistle all in the name of a counter thread.. Please i am looking forward to reading '20 things you shouldn't tell your mum/dad to do'.. Clowns

What's good for the goose is good for the gander...and your sarcasm has been well-noted.

Thanks for your response.

You've given me an idea for a new topic.

That's why I love this site...inspiration GALORE!!!

NL ROCKS!!!

What do you do when an in-law makes s*xual passes at you?

Some unfortunate daughters/sons in-law find themselves in the uncomfortable position of fending off amorous in-laws. They feel confused, trapped and uncertain, as to how to handle the situation.

Should they continue to ignore/avoid their in-law's advances, tell their spouses and risk an all-out family war or, keep quiet, in the hopes the offending in-law will eventually lose interest in them and move on?

What if no one, including their spouses, believe them?

What would YOU do?

If physical attraction is a part of the reason that people are compatible enough to marry, then don't two people owe it to each other to try to stay as healthy and fit as possible? Don't we owe our spouses our best selves? If we truly love someone, shouldn't we help them to bring out their best self? But what if your spouse shows no interest in being their best self?

While it may not seem politically correct to discuss, and could even be considered unsavory, the fact is that many people seek divorces because their spouses gain a significant amount of weight. It's one of the biggest causes of marital unhappiness—right up there with cheating, s*xual incompatibility, and money.

But is divorcing your spouse, because he or she put on some extra pounds going too far?

Here's Miranda's story:

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. For the first 5 years of our relationship he was very thin, and I found him absolutely hot. We got married, we both quit smoking.... and he slowly and steadily started to put on weight. It bothered me but I didn't say anything because I knew he felt sensitive about it and that it bothered him. He said to me: "I know you'll love me no matter what, but I really don't like the way my body looks right now". This was 4 years ago, and he's even heavier now!

I've done the following things to sort of "beat around the bush" and attack this issue sideways:

* When he went to the doctor and found out he had high blood pressure, I talked to him about how concerned I was and told him I wanted him to be alive and healthy for a long time, and encouraged him to be healthier.
* I started cooking more healthy - we are still not *great* about this but we are both trying
* I bought a scale, ostensibly for me but really in the hopes that HE would start to use it

He doesn't really like to exercise that much, has started going to the gym maybe once every week or two. Will hike with me once in a great while. He's really not doing a whole lot to lose weight - maybe it's not a priority for him?

Here's the thing: I *adore* my husband. We have a fantastic marriage and are very loving towards one another. There is absolutely no question of divorce - I am going to make this work no matter what. However, I am just not very physically attracted to him right now, and it's really hard to keep faking it. Physical attractiveness *does* matter, in addition to emotional intimacy. I was prepared for hair loss and wrinkles - I never expected him to get fat.

How do I talk to him about his weight being a turn-off without totally breaking his heart? Is there any way to do this gently? I can only imagine how devastating it would be for him to hear this from me..... He is really sensitive, and he also completely adores me and is very turned on by me (for reference, I'm 5'6" and 130lbs, have stayed thin due to watching my diet and exercising regularly) I don't even know how to begin this conversation without him being terribly hurt, and having it damage our relationship. I am so very sad about this, have been pushing these feelings down for a really long time and am not sure how much longer I can hide them. (Source: talkaboutmarriage.com)

QUESTIONS:
How would you advise this wife?
What should she do, if her husband continues to gain more weight, rather than losing weight?

***************************************************************************

Here's *Ontoon's story:

I'm married for 13 years. My wife and I have an 8-year old child. I feel like I'm trapped because I no longer find my wife attractive. The main problem is her weight. She weighs more than I do (83kg). She's packed on the weight ever since the child was born. I just find her body unappealing. We hardly make love anymore, maybe once a month at best.

I feel guilty about this because I do love my wife. She's a great person who practically worships me (not necessarily a good thing in itself but that is a separate matter). I've only lightly touched on the weight issue with her because my perception is that it will crush her. With some encouragement she has started going to the gym but, I don't think it's a very serious effort because she loses no weight and, her efforts are squandered by the calories she snacks on throughout the day. I'm not a hypocrite because in the last 6 months I was working out and managed to drop 15 pounds and keep it off by altering my eating habits. I'd like her to do the same.

What can I do to find my wife attractive again? It's really getting to a point where I start fantasizing about an affair for some excitement. I don't particularly want a DIVORCE, but I don't want to live with someone who I have a hard time to give honest compliments about.

Please, if you want to get on a soap box and start lecturing about loving 'for better or for worse', save yourself the effort. I don't really care about the vows in the sense that it does not reflect the way I feel now. I'm trying to find a way to have some se*ual interest in my wife. I'm open minded enough to ponder whether I'm experiencing a mid-life crisis. Anyways, would appreciate hearing from others in similar situations and knowing what you did and/or what became of your relationship. (Source: cupid.com)

QUESTIONS:
How would you advise this husband?
What should he do, if his wife continues to gain more weight, rather than losing weight?

When men find 'The One', they will move heaven and earth to please her. But, there are some things a woman should NEVER ask her BF/Husband to do for her.

1. Pay Her Bills. Everyone...man or woman should be responsible for paying their own bills and that means you. If you are living with a boyfriend, you are responsible for paying half the household bills, as well as those incurred by you and you alone, just like your BF. You should not expect your BF to pay your way. Married folks may have different arrangements, though, that work for them.

2. Ask Him To Loan Money To Relatives. Some BF/Husbands don't like to be around unemployed family members - his or yours. They don't like family members who use them for money. They want family members to be self-sufficient and not use them as a human ATM.

3. Give Up His Friends. Sure, some of your BF/Husband's friends might be smarmy, but only ask him to give them up, if they're trying get him to do things that may threaten your relationship or, if one of them has made a move on you. Otherwise, leave him be. All bets are off, though, if you've given up a couple of your friends who he was continually clashing with on a regular basis.

4. Force Him To Socialize With People He Hates. Forcing your BF/Husband doesn't mean physically dragging him by the collar and out the door. It means employing all those little tips and tricks you have in your arsenal that you use to get your way. Some men resent this. Each time he's 'forced', he builds up more and more resentment against you, until one day, he explodes. No one likes to be 'forced' to do something.

5. Force Him To Lie. Whenever you ask your BF/Husband loaded questions like: "Do these jeans make my butt look too big?". "Do I look fat?" or "Do you love me?", some men, depending on the situation and their feelings, at the time, may answer "No" - "No" - "Yes" while thinking (Yes) - (Yes) - (No). Smart. But you're asking him to lie. Downside, he might start lying about other things - either to keep the peace and/or hide something from you.

6. Give Up A Special Event For You. Barring family emergencies or other pressing obligations, never ask your BF/Husband to give up a special event or make it a tradeoff of "If you do this - I'll do that." No fair using the "If you loved me you would" mess either. If he enjoys it - let him enjoy it at the time it's supposed to be enjoyed. Besides, you can always go shopping.

7. Insist He Perform S*x Acts He Finds Disgusting. If you want to walk on the wild side and your BF/Husband doesn't, leave him be. Maybe one day he might 'wild out' and surprise you. In the meantime, buy a s*x toy.

8. Buy Your Feminine Necessities For That Time Of Month. Most BF/Husbands balk at buying feminine necessaries, for their GF/Wives - some don't. If you have the type of BF/Husband that is clearly uncomfortable buying you those things - ease up. Stock up beforehand or ask a female friend or relative to buy some for you and repay her, if you don't feel up to it.

9. Check In With You Hour Upon Hour When He's Not With You. Yes, some GF/Wives expect their BF/Husbands to call or text them every hour or throughout the day, "just to say Hi!" Major trust/insecurity issues. Please! You're smothering the poor man. Give him some space. Give him a chance to miss you.

10. Put up With Your Mood Swings. Being a Nasty Nancy is not the way to your BF/Husband's heart. You don't tolerate his nastiness, so why should he tolerate yours? Remember the Golden Rule?

11. Listen To You Compare Him With Your Ex. Your ex is your ex for a reason and you’re with your BF/Husband for a reason. So stop comparing the two. Do you really think he wants to hear about how much money your ex spent on you or the cushy job he had. That's a blow to his ego, especially if he is of modest means and struggling to better himself for you and your family. How insensitive can you be?

12. Give Up His Privacy. This is a bit tricky. Asking your BF/Husband to give you full access to his phone to read his texts, check his calls, his emails, his Facebook postings, etc. is only acceptable if you offer to do the same. On the other hand, a relationship is built on trust and unless you have a legitimate reason to doubt him, you have no business asking to snoop through his stuff.

13. Choose You Over His Parents/Family. Major wrong move. The love your BF/Husband has for his parents/family was in place before you met him. Asking him to choose between you and them, due to family conflicts, can cause him great distress. Be the bigger person. Bite your tongue, grit your teeth or do whatever else it takes to calm the familial waters. Don't force him to choose. You may come out on the losing end.

14. Change Who He Is. You fell in love with your BF/Husband for a reason, so why is it that his habits bother you so much suddenly? Yes, relationships do involve a certain amount of changing but it has to come from him. You can’t force it and you certainly can’t nag him into it. The more you do try to take control, the further he’ll run.

15. Make Him Wait For You All The Time. You know your BF/Husband hates waiting for you to get ready for an outing. If you need over an hour to get ready, start earlier. Surprise him by making it on time and watch his eyes light up!

16. Make Him Watch Chick Flicks. Why torture your poor BF/Husband by making him watch chick flicks or girly TV? Save that for your alone time or when you’re with your girlfriends. He’ll appreciate it very much!

17. Wait For S*x Because You're Being Petty. There’s nothing attractive about a woman who uses s*x to get what she wants. Nothing! You’re in a romantic relationship and s*x should be an expression of your love toward your BF/Husband - not to be used as a form of punishment or as a weapon. This is a dangerous game you're playing and you may end up a loser, to another woman, if you stroll down this path.

18. Go Shopping. Your BF/Husband will never understand your need to shop, going from store to store, just as you’ll never understand his love for Heinekens and football. The best compromise? You shop whenever you want but leave him out of it. He’s happy, you're happy and the only one suffering is your (his) wallet.

19. Understand Your Need To Broadcast Details Of Your Relationship. Your BF/Husband will never understand why you absolutely have to discuss the intimate details of your relationship with your family and friends. They hate it! Whatever's going on in your relationship should be kept behind closed doors.

20. Put Up With Your Snooty Attitude. Men hate women who think they’re high and mighty and, your BF/Husband is no different. They want a best friend who is easy to be with, not some woman with a Princess Syndrome. Climb down from your high horse and act down-to-earth.


Sources: askmen.com /allwomenstalk.com /zboyd

Kanwulia: Unless I have spoken with the mother FIRST!
Just let her know the love child is also MY CHILD!
I have to make her feel comfortable with me, so she can help me understand and support OUR child!
Simple!

To earn a child's respect, you have to gain the TRUST and GENUINE LOVE OF THE MOTHER and vice versa!
Is it rocket science or common sense psychology?

Some women, that don't want kids, have kids and find it easy to turn them over to someone else to raise.

ghostwritter: No wonder u are still single but never searching....I pity u.

Why pity someone you know next to nothing about?

Whether Single, Cohabiting, Engaged, Married, Divorced or Widowed - when have I announced my marital status on NL?

Wouldn't it have been better to ASK me about my marital status, instead of ASSuming my marital status?

Why SOME people read posts and jump to conclusions about the poster is beyond me.

smh

Oh well...such is life!

Much is said about the penchant of Old Roosters chasing after Young Chicks and running away from Old Hens but, each have different perspectives of these May-December romances.

Here are some of the most common:

1. Old Roosters know the only way they can really compete with Young Roosters is in the area of money and, they use it as a 'worm' to attract Young Chicks.

Old Hens usually have their own money, so they're not impressed by an Old Rooster's fat wallet.


2. Old Roosters claim they aren't interested in Old Hens anymore - they want a hot Young Chick who makes them feel young again.

Old Hens are quick to remind Old Roosters that nowadays, Old Hens can also get a hot Young Rooster to do what an Old Rooster can't do.


3. Old Roosters sneer that Old Hens' bodies are flabby and saggy, while Young Chicks' bodies are ripe and firm.

Old Hens say Young Chicks will gladly overlook an Old Rooster's bad teeth, bulging pot belly, gray hair in all sorts of places, flat bottom, man boobs and old man smell, as long as he keeps the money flowing, otherwise, no money - no honey.


4. Old Roosters think that as long as they flash money, Young Chicks will flock to them in droves.

Old Hens know that many a Young Chick has an energetic Young Rooster waiting in the wings, more than willing to help her enjoy the Old Rooster's money and 's*x her the right way'.


5. Old Roosters say Old Hens' vajajays aren't as tight as Young Chicks.

Old Hens know that the more traffic going in and out of a Young Chick's vajajay - the looser it gets.


6. Old Roosters say Old Hens are too demanding, whereas, Young Chicks only demand what money can buy.

Old Hens know there's more to a relationship than money and s*x, therefore, they demand more - something Young Chicks have yet to learn.


7. Old Roosters complain that Old Hens are bitter, distrustful and suspicious.

Old Hens say they can smell BS a mile away but, Young Chicks usually can't, so Old Roosters can get away with more underhanded shenanigans.


8. Old Roosters boast that Young Chicks are more adventurous in bed than Old Hens.

Old Hens say they are more experienced and more understanding when an Old Rooster can't get up to full mast - unlike Young Chicks.


9. Old Roosters love the way Young Chicks think they hang the moon and stars.

Old Hens know better - they've been there and done that -and the Old Roosters usually come up lacking.


10. Old Roosters say Young Chicks make them feel young again.

Old Hens know that with age comes age-related illnesses and, Young Chicks aren't likely to hang around a sickly Old Rooster.


*When you see Old Roosters with hot Young Chicks, do you ever wonder why they couldn't snag hot, Young Chicks like that in their younger days?

Generally speaking...when Old Roosters were young, they were poor and socially awkward, now they aren't.

Crude but true.


Source: askmen.com

fijiano202: Some are real advice while some are pure bullshiit

Which ones are pure BS?

oseiwe: Na only you type this one?

Chai!...diaris god oh!!!

lol...I miss school!

Those Nigerian professors (and other foreign professors) are very demanding.

Is it THAT obvious?

Generally, women are giving and loving by nature and will bend over backwards to please their man. But, there are some things a man should NEVER ask his GF/Wife to do for him or accept from him.

1. Force Intimacy. NEVER, EVER blackmail, coerce, manipulate or force intimacy on your GF/Wife if she's ill, not in the mood, tired or asleep. It's disrespectful, insensitive and selfish. And depending on the woman, you may be opening yourself up to a world of trouble - relationship-wise and legal-wise.

2. Have A Baby Out-Of-Wedlock. First comes marriage - then comes the baby carriage. If you want to do the Daddy thing - then marry your GF FIRST. Why do you want her to enter the world of Single Motherhood? And how is she to know you're really going to marry her as promised?

3. Start A Family Too Soon. What's the rush? Wouldn't it be better to give the marriage time to settle in first? Stop pressuring your Wife to have a baby, before you two have adjusted to the whole idea of marriage. If she's not ready - she's not ready. In fact, marriage counselors advise putting off having a baby for at least 2-3 years, to allow young couples to strengthen their marriage bonds first, before becoming parents.

4. Tattoo Your Name On Her Body. Why? Is this your way of asking your GF/Wife to prove she loves you or, is it a way of 'marking your territory'? Either way, it's her body, she can do what she wants with it and, if she refuses to mark up her body, respect her decision.

5. Alter Her Appearance. Never pressure your GF/Wife to diet, dress a certain way or to get surgery. It’s her body, and she's in charge of it. If you don't appreciate her natural beauty, then you should look elsewhere for a woman to fulfill your fantasies. Leave her be.

6. Have An Abortion. You knew the risk when you laid down and did the horizontal mambo with your GF/Wife, without birth control. Now she's pregnant and you want her to have an abortion, because you're not ready or you can't afford a baby right now. If she resists, try and come up with some alternatives. If she still resists, Daddy-hood is now your cup of tea.

7. Do Drugs. Why ask your GF/Wife to do drugs with you? Better yet why are YOU doing drugs anyway? Asking her to do drugs with you is the height of stupidity. If you wanted a drug addict, why pick a woman who wasn't? And don't try to manipulate her with that ol' "If you loved me, you would!" mess. If she loves herself, it's best she exits stage left and leave you with a quickness. You're poison.

8. Have A Three-some. This is tricky. Some men count themselves lucky their GF/Wife agreed to a three-some. Others regret the day they even suggested it, when their GF/Wife ends up falling for the other woman and leaving the relationship/marriage. Three-somes, and all acts related, can open the door to all kinds of nasty consequences that can threaten or end your relationship/marriage. Best think twice before diving into these waters.

9. Make A S*x Tape. You may view making a s*x tape, as a way of spicing up your relationship but, if your GF/Wife is like "HELL NO!" - back off. She has very good reasons for not wanting to make a s*x tape that could fall into the wrong hands. And no sneaky taping either and posting it online. Depending on the woman, you could find yourself dragged into court and sued for harassment, invasion of privacy, criminal voyeurism or defamation of character.

10. Cosign On Your Car/Home Loan. If you're married, this is a reasonable request. But why ask your GF to put her credit on the line? If you break up, she'll be responsible for those payments, if you don't pay them. Plus, she can sue you in civil court for breach of contract, if she ends up making the payments.

11. Change Her Religious Beliefs. Religion is a very personal thing. If you wanted someone who would be 'equally yoked' to you, then you should have informed your GF of that fact, from the very beginning - not after a year or two, after she's fallen in love with you or married you. That's wrong, especially if you've given her the ultimatum of either changing over to your religion or going your separate ways.

12. Sacrifice Time Spent With Her Family/Friends. It is the height of selfishness to ask your GF/Wife to give up spending time with her family and friends. Do you expect her to spend all her free time with you? What if she asked you to do the same? How would you like it? Careful. This is a major sign of a control freak.

13. Act Dumb So You Can Feel Smarter. Why ask/expect your GF/Wife, directly or indirectly, to pretend she is less intelligent or less handy around the house, to make you happier? Didn't you say you wanted an independent woman, with a good head on her shoulders, who is capable of taking care of things on her own? Now that you have one, you're complaining? And men say women don't know what they want in a man.

14. Change Her Morals. You should respect your GF/Wife's morals even if you don’t share them. Urging her to break them, is doing her a disservice. You should like her for who she is, and shouldn’t try to change her. Her strong morals should be something you admire, not something you wish to change.

15. Give Up Her Dreams. If your GF/Wife has always wanted to be a teacher, don’t try to talk her into being a nurse or anything else. Don't put her in the position of having to choose between you and her dreams. You may come out on the losing end.

16. Stop Doing Things She Loves To Do. If you ask your GF/Wife to stop doing the things she loves to do - then be prepared to stop doing the things YOU love to do when SHE asks - because it's coming.

17. Put Up With Abusive Behavior From Your Family And Friends. It is YOUR job as a man to PROTECT your GF/Wife from ANY and ALL that insist on insulting, criticizing, or are otherwise abusing her, in your presence, including your family and friends. And you must be prepared to back up your words with actions. Tell your family and friends that they aren’t welcome, in your home, if they don't leave their abusive behavior at the door. If not, then be prepared to watch your GF/Wife walk out that same door, because she does not feel valued and protected by you.

18. Perform Exotic S*x Acts She's Uncomfortable Doing. There is more to a relationship than the s*xual aspect. If you truly love your GF/Wife, then it won't matter if she will or won't do it, so grow up and act like someone who is mature enough to enter into an adult relationship. Remember that she's a person, entitled to her own opinions on everything and shouldn't be held to the "If you love me - you would" school of thought, just because you're not getting what you want from her. If exotic s*x acts are that important to you, then maybe you should move on and leave her in peace.

19. Reveal Past S*xual History. If you're not prepared to bare all - then don't ask your GF/Wife to bare all. Besides, it's the past and none of your business. If you wanted a virgin, then you should have snagged one.

20. Accept You Behaving Badly. If you're one of those men who thinks that you can do what you want, because you're providing for the household - think again. Only a weak-minded, financially-dependent, worried-about-what-people-say-about-her type of GF/Wife will tolerate her man behaving badly. Strong-minded, financially independent, don't-give-a-damn-what-people-say-about-her GFs/Wives will kick you to the curb in a hot New York minute.

Your GF/Wife may be the love of your life but, it doesn’t grant you authority over the decisions she makes about her life or dictate how she lives her life.

Sources: madamnoire.com / justjane.com / askmen.com /allwomenstalk.com /zboyd

A Mapo Customary Court in Ibadan, Oyo State capital, has dissolved the four-year-old marriage between Lateef Amzat and his wife, Romoke, over the husband’s alleged impotence.

According to the court president, Chief Henric Agbaje, the evidence before the court showed that the couple were no longer interested in the marriage. The court, therefore, had no option than to dissolve the marriage.

The judge ruled: “The court gave the couple two weeks of grace to resolve their differences amicably but they did not reach any accord. Therefore, in the interest of peace and order, I pronounce the marriage dissolved since both parties are willing to part ways."

Romoke had earlier told the court to dissolve her marriage to Lateef due to his alleged impotence.

The complainant told the court that Amzat had not been able to impregnate her, adding that efforts to seek medical cure had failed. She accused Lateef of failing to heed medical instructions, especially on the usage of drugs.

Lateef, however, claimed that his impotence could be due to ‘spiritual attack’ which required divine intervention.

Source: nigerian.ng.com - 12.Apr.2014

*Question: Is impotence or any other s*xual incompatibility a reason to divorce your spouse?

By Etcetera

“Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born of water and of the spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the spirit is spirit. Marvel not that I said unto thee, ye must be born again” (John 3:1-7).

Pastors are supposed to be the conscience of the society. They are supposed to be God’s representatives here on earth. Like Elisha in the Bible, they are supposed to warn the people about the dangers of disobeying God and guide them to the path of righteousness. They are supposed to lead by example.

Today, some pastors are the problems of the society. The lifestyle of some pastors is contradictory to what they preach. It has gotten so bad that when a man introduces himself as a pastor, he attracts immediate suspicion. Scandals and controversies have eaten too deep into the church, like an incurable cancer.

Like electric poles, churches are springing up all over the country and their general overseers or CEOs are fast emerging as the richest men in the country. Some Nigerian pastors represent their stomach instead of Christ. Churches have been turned into banks and business centres with branch pastors given targets for increased turnover by headquarters. Most of these new breed churches only preach prosperity because preaching salvation will impact negatively on the church’s GDP. Some of today’s pastors, after their failed attempts at finding a means of livelihood, hire a classroom and start a church.

Most Nigerians have been brainwashed to see their pastors as angels of light instead of the men of lies and hypocrisy they truly are. When I hear some of our so-called men of God-talking, I hear a well-rehearsed speech delivered with sugar-coated tongue. I see feigned sympathy and fake listening ears trying to milk their unfortunate audience. I see people being washed, rinsed, dried and ironed with rehearsed miracles wooing gullible Nigerians to their churches.

To some pastors, the church is no longer the stairway to heaven. It is more like the Lagos-Ibadan expressway to wealth. No trick is too dirty to enslave their followers. While many in their congregation cannot afford three decent meals in a day, pastors convey offerings to their banks in boullion vans. They use offerings to build schools their congregation cannot afford to send their wards to. They cruise about town in their exotic cars, and jet off to spend vacations in the most exotic tourist destinations across the world.

Jesus Christ fed the multitude with five loaves of bread and two fishes (Matthew 14: 13-21). He could have auctioned it to the wealthy and more privileged amongst the multitude but, he asked his disciples to share to all without discrimination. Except for a few, the majority of pastors will not lift a finger to ease the sufferings of the poor in their congregations.

It was in the news how two girls from an Abuja church openly accused their pastor of having s*xual intercourse with them and his followers said, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm.” A popular Lagos pastor has married and divorced more times than the randy king of Swaziland and his followers said, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm.” I wonder what a pastor who cannot keep his marriage has to tell his members during their marriage counselling classes. A popular UK based Nigerian pastor who was to be arrested for tax evasion in the UK, fled to Nigeria to escape the authorities and his followers said, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm.” A flamboyant pastor in Warri bought a jet, when people in his community were displaced, as a result of one of the worst flood disasters to hit this country. And his followers said, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm.”

Rev. King the self-acclaimed “god” and “Jesus of our time” was arrested and charged to court for using a girl for human barbecue. And the 69-year-old grief-stricken father of the victim lamented that he went to the church to see his daughter, and followers of Rev. King denied knowing her. But one follower later told him that she was Rev. King’s wife and was in the hospital. Getting to the hospital, he found his daughter Anna Uzoh on the hospital bed roasted. After a long inquiry, she revealed that Rev. King set her on fire. And Rev. King’s followers said, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm.” Apparently, Justice Joseph Oyewole of the Ikeja High Court thought otherwise and sentenced Rev. King to death.

It was in the news, sometime ago, how a man stole money and confessed to giving it as offering to a church. When asked, the pastor said the money was given to God and can’t be returned. Things like this can only happen in a society like Nigeria.

Pastors should be judged by their words as well as their actions. This is a country where a pastor organises a healing crusade for his members but jets off to the United Kingdom the next morning for a medical check-up. In Nigeria, pastors pray and ask God to protect their members but employ the services of bodyguards. It won’t be a surprise when Nigerian churches get enlisted in the Nigerian Stock Exchange for the public to buy shares. It is a fact that when you scare people badly enough, you can get them to do anything.

I wasn’t surprised to hear that a South African pastor ordered his congregation to eat grass, that it would bring them closer to God and of course, the members obeyed and ate to their fill. We heard of how a Kenyan pastor ordered all female members of his church to attend church services without bras and panties for Christ to enter their lives. My brothers and sisters in the Lord, do not be deceived by these pastors. Seek God’s face, pray and read the scriptures and ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and interpretation. The Bible says you should study to show yourself approved. As I end this article, my prayer is that rapture takes place on a Sunday during first service so that all fake pastors will be caught pants down.

Amen.

Source: ghanamma.com

How can a woman say she loves a man who abuses her?

Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or molestation. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding intimacy and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren't good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won't leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, 'actions speak louder than words.' Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.

Here are the Top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness. Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you've been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control. He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority. He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be 'right' by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates. Tells you you're crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it's your fault he is abusive. Says he can't help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to 'help' him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings. His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don't match words. He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you. An emotionally abusive man may withhold s*x, emotional intimacy, or plays the 'silent game' as punishment when he doesn't get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help. An abusive man doesn't think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women. Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself. Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won't be able to survive because of finances, research social agencies that are trained to assist women in making a safe transition out of their homes. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don't go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she has made up her mind to leave, so please be careful.

If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Source: huffingtonpost.com

Ceasar1: Now I really don't know if you are preaching, educating or revolting against this idea but anyway, ,- You should know that, the average Human Male, tend to be “used” by three different females in a lifetime.

#Now what does that say for ladies?

...that some ladies can be just as big a mumu as some men

When men find 'The One', they will move heaven and earth to please her. But, what are some things a woman should NEVER ask her BF/Husband to do for her?

Generally, women are giving and loving by nature and will bend over backwards to please their man. But, what are some things a man should NEVER ask his GF/Wife to do for him?

“I do mine thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.” -Frederick S. Perls

A Woman Complete...

...knows the difference between her 'needing a man' and 'needing a man to complete her';

...understands that completing herself is her job, responsibility and her life goal;

...has learned that she should not be in search for a man to complete her but a man to complement her;

...has taken the opportunity in her lifetime to explore the world, herself and the riches and pitfalls that life holds;

...understands that every woman’s journey is different, but the goal shouldn’t be to find a man who makes her happy but, to allow herself to remain open to happiness from those who offer her happiness;

...views each dating adventure, each relationship – no matter how long, short, successful or hurtful – a valuable learning experience;

...understands that before she enters into a lifelong commitment, she must know herself, know what she will or will not tolerate, what she can and can’t live without, discover her capabilities and inner strengths and, be able to stand up for herself, her beliefs and her dreams;

...has discovered that helplessness, neediness, and dependency repel men, while self-confidence, authenticity and positivity attracts men who are also at a place in their lives where they know themselves, are comfortable with themselves and aren’t looking for a woman to complete them, but instead a woman who can make their life all the more sweeter;

...desires a relationship where both people complement the beauty, idiosyncrasies and unique qualities within each other, but refuse to change their lives or themselves to find it;

...understands that changing herself for a man will result in a relationship based on a lack of authenticity, and that is not a sound foundation upon which to grow a strong, healthy relationship;

...enjoys her journey through life, forever discovering herself, whether love comes her way or not.

Some women say it's wrong for women to use men for money but say next to nothing about women who allow men to use them for money.

Some unscrupulous men specialize in preying on lonely, gullible, older, overweight, unattractive vulnerable women, who shower them with money and gifts, in exchange for s*x and companionship, whether they're wealthy or not. But some younger, attractive, well-educated women, from all walks of life are following in their footsteps. And while it's true, that there are women who love to spoil their men like this, the men involved in these liasons usually don't reciprocate. They only give what they are being 'paid' to give - s*x and companionship.

In some women's minds, s*x and companionship = love and respect. But is that what they get? In most cases, no. Frequently, these men cheat, seem allergic to work and sometimes verbally and physically abuse these women. To these men, such women are stupid, nothing more than human ATMs and walking gift shops. They are not beyond declaring their undying love and loyalty to their benefactors, if that's what it takes to secure their 'cushy' lifestyles. These men couldn't even be described as gigolos. Gigolos are upfront and honest about their intentions. It's all about the money - nothing more - nothing less - just business. They're usually not interested in 'nesting' with any woman they view as a 'business contact'.

Too messy.

A man who genuinely loves and respects a woman won't use her - just like a woman who genuinely loves and respects a man won't use him.

Unlike some men who shower women with money and gifts and move on to the next pretty young thing, when the time comes, wallet intact; their female counterparts are sometimes left with empty purses and emptier hearts, especially if they lose their jobs, prompting their human leeches to go on the hunt for another 'mumu' to suck dry.

What kind of man accepts money from a woman, especially if she has children? What kind of man allows a woman to feed, clothe and shelter him?

What's keeping him from going out and making his own money and supporting himself and/or contributing to the household?

When a woman stoops to the point of showering a man with gifts and money, as a way of showing her love, with hopes of him loving her back, she should be prepared for any BS that follows.

Remember: It's your home he's living in, where he pays no bills. It's your food he's eating, like no tomorrow. It's your money that bought those clothes, shoes, jewelry and cologne he's wearing to look good and smell good for other women. You bought that phone he uses to talk to other women. It's your car he's driving other women around town in, while you sit at home alone. It's your bank account which he has access to that puts money in his pocket. And it's your self-esteem that deflates little by little, each time he verbally or physically abuses you, even in front of your own children. Yet he claims to love you. Do you really believe that?

Are you that afraid of being alone? When will enough be enough? Don't you want a good man?

Better to be alone than be miserable with some man who doesn't have your best interests at heart. Life is too short to go through some BS like that.

Don't you want to be happy - truly happy?

Understanding Marriage of Convenience

For many people, marriage and romance go hand in hand. Marriage is the ultimate commitment made to the person you're in love with. Yet not every marriage is based solely on love. Sometimes, a marriage occurs for other reasons, and this is known as a marriage of convenience. While some might question whether this is truly a marriage if it's not based on mutual love, there are some instances when this type of arrangement is appropriate.

What Is A Marriage of Convenience?

A marriage of convenience is one that is not based on love. The two people are not involved in a romantic relationship and are instead getting together for other reasons. A well-known example of this type of marriage is when someone gets married for citizenship. While not all marriages of convenience are illegal, this type is, punishable by both a fine and a prison sentence. These marriages might also take place to take advantage of certain financial or legal loopholes.

What Is The History Of This Type Of Marriage?

At one point, marriages of convenience were simply "marriages." The idea of getting married for romantic reasons did not start to gain in popularity until the 18th and 19th centuries. In those days, people would often be married within their socioeconomic class. Political reasons have often played a role in these types of marriages as well. Some countries today, such as India, still practice this sort of marriage.

What Are Some Of The Benefits?

For some people, what started as a marriage based on love eventually turns into a marriage of convenience. At this point, many would choose to get a divorce. But some don't. Divorce can be a long, messy process, and some people choose to forego this and remain married, though they are no longer in love. Only you can decide whether this is the best option for you. If you are content living with your spouse, although there is no romance, then it might be a good choice. Whether you have children is also something else to consider. If you and your spouse can exist in relatively peaceful terms, it might be less disruptive for the children if you stay together. Though it was more prevalent in the past, homosexual men and women might marry a friend of the opposite sex in order to hide their true sexuality.

What Are Some Of The Drawbacks?

The main drawback to this type of marriage is that you will be foregoing the chance of a relationship based on love. While in the short-term this might seem okay, are you still going to feel okay with it 5 or 10 years down the road? If you have children, you might want to consider the kind of example this is setting for them. While on the one hand there are some benefits to staying together for the kids, there are also drawbacks to this as well. If your spouse is not going to be the person you feel passionately about, who shares similar interests as you, you are going to have to find and nurture those relationships with other people.

How Do You Know If This Sort Of Relationship Is Right For You?

Marriage is not something to be taken lightly, so it's important that you carefully consider all your reasons for entering into wedlock for convenience. You will have to be okay without getting your romantic and intimate needs fulfilled by your spouse. To make this sort of union work, many couples must get creative in order to sustain the relationship. This includes taking breaks or entering into a physical relationship with someone else. Clearly, this sort of thing takes some careful negotiating and serious thought on your part before you enter into one of these arrangements.

Most people are taught from an early age that when you grow up, you meet someone, fall in love, and get married. Yet this is not always the case. Sometimes reasons other than romantic love play a role in why someone gets married. Whether this arrangement is right for you depends upon your situation and what you're willing to accept in a marriage.

Source: married.answers.com

Some men are misogynists. They hate women - really, really hate them - want to see them suffering and/or dead. They blame every woman for any slight - real or imagined - done to them throughout the entirety of their lives. Yet women are the stuff of their dreams, their fantasies, their hopes and dreams and, they can't help being attracted to them.

Some women are misandrists. They hate men - really, really hate them - want to see them suffering and/or dead. They blame every man for any slight - real or imagined - done to them throughout the entirety of their lives. Yet men are the stuff of their dreams, their fantasies, their hopes and dreams and, they can't help being attracted to them.

But how can you be attracted to the object of your hate?

Is there more to this than meets the eye?

Ngokafor: @op can you re-adjust the two scenarious please so we can have balanced arguements?..

Childless woman for three years and a childless man for same number of years...a woman with children and same with a man..Thank you.

lol...no.

Actually the scenarios feature two family friends.

First scenario, Yoruba man and AA woman.

Second scenario, mixed Igbo-German man and Xhosa (South African) woman

Society still puts enormous pressure on women to have a man and fuels the belief that not having a man reveals your inadequacy, thereby making single women the object of pity.

Even in arguments between women, single women are almost sure to have one taunt thrown up in their faces: "At least I have a man!" And it doesn't matter what kind of man these women have in their lives. For them, a piece of a man is better than not having a man at all.

Some women feel they need a man in their lives to be happy. If they don't have one, they feel sad, lonely, depressed and undesirable. And anytime a man shows any interest in them, even married men, they go for it, usually ending up heartbroken, in the aftermath of the affair. While they acknowledge being independent women, for them, being single means being incomplete and, being complete means having a man to have, hold and treasure. Sadly, such a mindset sets them up to be exploited by men who don't have their best interests at heart.

Other women are of a different mind. They don't feel they need a man to validate themselves as women. Being alone doesn't make them feel sad, lonely, depressed and undesirable. For them having a man to have, hold and treasure is like icing on the cake of their lives. It's a 'want' not a 'need'. They can be just as strong, intelligent, loving, happy, successful as much as they can with or without a man. Some women have found, from personal experience, that 'needing' a man can lead to choosing the wrong men, especially married men, who steal years of a young woman's life, while she waits for a divorce that rarely comes. They've also found that expressing a bit of 'neediness', whether warranted or not, brings out the 'White Knight' in men who are socialized to come to the rescue of 'damsels in distress' - an added plus.

Generally speaking...

Women who NEED men often have self-esteem issues, tend to have lower quality relationships and experience less love and trust, and more conflict and ambivalence in their relationships. Their relationships are also less stable (more likely to break up).

Women who WANT men (but don't need them) tend to be more emotionally stable, enjoy good healthy relationships, that may or may not end in marriage and, know themselves so well, they always value their own opinion of themselves more than the opinion others have of them.

Knowing the difference could save you from a lifetime of heartache or gain you a lifetime of happiness.

For WIVES : You know your husband is cheating on you but he has promised to finally leave the other woman. You love your husband so much that you are prepared to forgive him. But when your husband comes back home for good, he has a surprise, his 2-month old Love Child from the other woman. He explains that the mother wants nothing to do with the child, preferring instead to relocate out of the country to pursue her career. The news is particularly hurtful, since you've been childless for three years.

NOW: Are you willing to accept your husband, with the baby, and raise it as your own?

For HUSBANDS: You come home from a 3-month business trip to face the news that your wife cheated on you, while you were away. She begs for forgiveness. You love her so much that you immediately forgive her and promise that everything will be fine. But the three words that fall from her mouth almost give you a heart attack. With tears in her eyes she says: "I am pregnant". When you ask who the father is (certainly not you), she tells you it was an ex-boyfriend who told her he wanted nothing to do with any pregnancy, he was engaged, and offered to pay for an abortion which she refused. What will you do? You already have two small children.

NOW: Are you willing to accept another man's baby into your home and raise it as your own?

apolonius: This is the most practical and clearest piece on marital fidelity I have read and believe in.

Thank you so much for the care you have shown to share this beautiful nugget!

You're welcome!