₦airaland Forum

You've taken the plunge and made the biggest commitment of your life. But you can't help but notice that more and more marriages around you are ending in divorce, and one of the leading causes is marital infidelity. Whether you're married or a partner in a committed relationship, being faithful isn't always easy - but if you commit to being a faithful spouse or partner, you can do it.

Below are 13 STEPS to help you remain faithful:

STEP 1. Agree upon trusting one another. Once you have taken your vows, don't do anything to break that trust. You have both taken vows to be faithful in every way to one another. Now it's time to believe in one another and trust your partner. Suspicion and doubt don't cause a spouse to cheat, but if one spouse exhibits high degrees of any of these to the other, it spells trouble for the relationship. Set reasonable boundaries and stay within them - this fosters trust and the longer you each stay within the boundaries you have agreed on, the more trust you will build as time goes on.
Your behavior early on will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. If you set a tone of faith, trust, and belief in one another and give each other a real sense that your relationship is solid and unshakable, it will be a great comfort to you and help you through difficult times. If you prove yourself worthy of his/her trust today, in ten years if someone accuses you of something, your spouse will dismiss it, knowing that you would never betray him/her because of your history together. On the other hand, if you do something that you should not have done, you can't expect your spouse to trust you totally. You have put doubt in his/her mind, and that has made him/her insecure. The only way to correct that is to do everything in your power (through real actions) to show him/her that they can trust you.

STEP 2. Accept the fact that you are no longer single. No, you may not come and go as you please, no matter how much that may rankle. You have a responsibility to your spouse or partner now, and the sooner you accept it, the fewer fights and arguments you'll have. Acting as if you are free and accountable to no one will pretty much ensure that you will be single again - soon. Instead, keep in mind your love for your spouse and the love your spouse has for you, your commitment and your vows. If you agree upon something do exactly that. Don't change it unless absolutely necessary, preferably due to circumstances you cannot control. If this happens, call and notify your spouse of the change immediately - don't wait till he or she is worried or angry. Though "checking in" or reporting changes in plans may rub you the wrong way, learn that you must sacrifice some things if you are to be successful as a team – remember that this helps your spouse to keep the trust she or he has in you. Being accountable to your spouse helps keep you close, and that helps build fidelity and faith.

STEP 3. Understand that your spouse is not attempting to put you on a leash. It's simply a matter of honoring your commitment, and of letting your spouse know when to start worrying. If you didn't want to be cared about or be responsible to someone else, you shouldn't have married.

STEP 4. Wear your wedding ring at all times. Avoid taking the ring off in most situations, even if your friends tell you to. Some exceptions are when playing sport, washing the dishes or if it could be damaged or cause you injury on the job. Do remember to put it back on straight away! Leaving your ring on sends a clear signal to everyone else outside of your union. It reminds you that you are "taken" and most people will know better than to trespass. If someone fails to heed the sign of your ring, show it to them close up and be sure they know it means you really are married and that you're not interested in flirting at all. If presenting your ring and clearly stating you're married and happily so doesn't work, and that person continues to pursue you, stop contact with that person at once, if possible. (If it's your brother's wife, you may have a tough time doing that, but limit contact to groups and never be alone with her. If she manages to isolate you from the rest of the family, extricate yourself quickly - kindly if possible, but rudely if necessary. In any case, be utterly clear.)

STEP 5. Nourish your intimacy with your spouse. If either of you is experiencing problems with intimacy, talk it through – and the earlier, the better. Being intimate through loving gestures, hugs, kisses and intimate relations is a vital part of keeping the two of you bonded. Even daily sweet nothings whispered to one another and praise for the things you love about one another on a regular basis are guaranteed ways to keep the fires burning and the original memories of why you fell for each other truly alive.

STEP 6. Don't stir up trouble where there isn't any. Doing hurtful things to see how your spouse will react is a bad idea. The problem is that testing your spouse's reaction to or paying other people too much attention creates a climate of doubts about your honesty, and introduces anxiety and turbulence. Don't pick fights just to see what she/he'll say or do.

STEP 7. Avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing. If you meet with someone who tries to come on to you and maybe even who is attractive to you, don't panic. Simply show no interest and say it clearly to that person. Explain that you're very happy in your marriage and have no intention of straying. Say exactly those words. Then excuse yourself and go someplace where there are other people around. Don't allow yourself to be cornered by that person again. Don't get yourself into any situation where even a whiff of lust is near. It's natural to find yourself attracted to others, even people other than your spouse. But don't allow yourself to be alone with anyone like this, and don't go out of your way to see him or her. Don't daydream or email, don't entertain the notion of being with someone. If you are drawn to someone at work, or at a party (i.e., in the same room with you) consider them to be a threat to your happy marriage. Have an escape plan. For example, consider that if a certain person who attracts you comes near you, that you'll head for the bathroom and then perhaps another group of people - or even head home.

STEP 8. Tell any person who tries to lure you into an entanglement with them that you're not interested, period. Don't give a half-hearted "Gee, I'm really attracted to you, but I'm married" response. This sends a wrong message - it says, "If only my stupid spouse weren't in the way, then you and I could hook up." Anyone who knows you're married and persists in coming on to you will not hesitate to run over your spouse if she/he thinks you're at all interested. What matters is that you are married, and your commitment is to your partner or spouse. Put your foot down hard and walk away, leaving no room for doubt or hope. Don't worry about letting him or her down easy. People who try to encourage a person to dally with them knowing full well that the other person is married are often very unhappy people, and they don't care to see anyone else happy. Ask yourself this question: "Why isn't there someone special in their life?" Often it's because they are simply not happy to be happy. Remember that if they don't mind harming your marriage, they won't be hanging around after the thrill of being with you wears off.

STEP 9. Take your spouse with you. If you know you'll be in a situation where you can't avoid a person who keeps coming on to you, take your spouse along. Knowing your partner is watching will keep you in line, and hopefully will deter any questionable acts on the part of the other person.

STEP 10. Leave the situation. It doesn't matter whether it's a job or a circle of friends. If you've tried your best to put the stops on the interest someone has in you - and worse yet, if you have started to return those feelings, you have to leave the situation immediately. If it's work related, either request a transfer or request that the other person be transferred, because it's endangering your marriage. If it's a circle of friends, stop hanging with the friends where you keep meeting this person. Don't moan and complain - remember, your goal is that 40th wedding anniversary, and beyond. No job, no chick or dude, no amount of ego boosting is worth destroying your chance at that. Remember: a few moments of pleasure are not worth discarding a lifetime of happiness with that special someone.

STEP 11. Stay home. Studies have shown that men who cheat start spending time away from home, such as working late at the office, going out for drinks after work, etc. Curtail this habit – bring the work home with you, schedule dial-in discussions with other workmates after hours using video conferencing on your broadband and take your spouse out to dinner instead of your colleagues.

STEP 12. Make plans for your future together and revise these plans regularly. Be sure to not only plan, but to also do the exciting and amazing things you have planned together. Shake things up now and then and do things neither of you have done before. Go to places together that thrill and excite you, do things together that scare and awaken you and throw in unexpected treats, outings and surprises for one another here, there and everywhere. When the children come, be sure to keep your spouse as the number one priority. You can love your children absolutely without forsaking your love for your spouse. There has been a tendency in current child-obsessed cultures (partially, it's about hanging onto one's own childhood) to put the children's interests before the spousal love life. That's unbalanced and will end up exhausting everyone's limits, smothered children included. Be a loving role model for your children so that they grow up seeing parents whose love for one another and mutual respect endures throughout all the messy diapers, bossy tweens and curfew-breaking teens!

STEP 13. Communicate if you are feeling pushed away, due to lack of attention or contribution. Communicate those feelings to your spouse. They may even be feeling the same way and some relationships turn into disloyal ones because of a lack of communication. As a result, one of the partners may find emotional support in another person who will listen. This can lead to a bad mistake which will have to be worked out later. If we can avoid this all together then temptation to stray will be less likely.

Source: marriagepartners.com

Do you think the Internet brings out the worst in some people? What about the best?

Are there things you've said on the Internet that you'd hesitate to say or wouldn't dare say to another person face-to-face?

While freedom of speech allows anyone to air their opinions, the Internet has given us a medium of anonymity that makes it easy for its users to behave badly, largely without consequence. As a social experiment, it raises some interesting considerations for humanity as a whole. It shows what happens when no social or legal pressure exists to "keep people in line."

What do you think would happen if everyone who used the Internet could be positively identified? If everything you did or said had your photo next to it? Would you be less likely to post that mean, nasty message or stalk someone all over the Internet?

Some people define success in terms of education, money, wealth, fame, power, influence, and material goods.

Others define success in terms of happiness, satisfaction, living where you want, setting your own schedule, being your own boss, and setting your own direction in life.

Perhaps you define success in terms of great relationships, good friends, a loving spouse, great children, and a happy home life.

Do you define success as being able to travel the world and have great experiences?

How do YOU define success?

What is more important to you? Why?

In Nigeria, Boko Haram and #BringBackOurGirls are just one side of the story. As in much of Africa, terrorism, lawlessness, and state powerlessness exist alongside economic growth and rapidly declining poverty.

As odd as it sounds today, in early April Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan and his administration were getting ready to reap weeks of positive international media attention. Despite ongoing insurgencies in the north, economists announced that Nigeria had surpassed South Africa as the continent’s largest economy, and global leaders were preparing to convene in the capital as Abuja hosted the prestigious World Economic Forum.

That was before "Bring Back Our Girls."

The abduction of an estimated 276 schoolgirls by Boko Haram in the village of Chibok led to unprecedented international outcry, including a massive Twitter campaign endorsed by Michelle Obama and many others. As the hopes for a quick rescue operation dimmed, global media refocused their spotlight on the inadequate response by Nigerian politicians and the ineffectiveness of the Nigerian military. Rarely has the world focused so intently on current events inside an African nation.

These two seemingly incongruous storylines in Nigeria—one of a rising continental power and another of lawlessness and state incompetence—highlight the Africa that is emerging at the beginning of the 21st century. As the world begins to take note of fast-growing African economies and an emerging middle class, new terrorist threats have emerged alongside age-old challenges of religious and ethnic conflict, graft, and ineffective institutions.

In recent years, Nigeria has had a lot to celebrate. Its economy has averaged an impressive 7 percent growth over the past decade. As Africa’s leading oil producer with the second largest oil reserves on the continent, other sectors are also beginning to emerge. The mobile telecom, banking, and the film industries have rapidly grown in the past few years, and Nigerian entrepreneurs hope to make their country Africa’s tech hub. Earlier this year, the president of the African Development Bank explained that analysts are “very bullish about the Nigerian economy,” in part due to reforms that are inviting private sector investment in new areas such as power and agriculture.

In April, with 2015 elections on the horizon, economists announced that Nigeria had leapfrogged South Africa as the continent’s largest economy. Due largely to an overdue revision to the method in which Nigerian GDP is measured, the country’s GDP increased by 89 percent to $510 billion. And looking ahead, the outlook remains bright, driven in part by the incredible population growth expected in the coming years. According to UN estimates last year, Nigeria’s current 174 million people will increase to 440 million in the next 35 years, surpassing the population of the United States by 2050.

Despite these trends, the problems the world has witnessed in recent weeks in Nigeria also reflect the country’s current state of affairs. Nigeria’s impressive economic growth is tempered by the fact that 68 percent of Nigerians live on less than $1.25 per day according to the World Bank; the country ranks 153rd out of 187 nations on the UN Human Development Index. Furthermore, ethnic, religious, and social cleavages in Nigeria (southern Christians control more resources, wealth, and power than northern Muslims) play a large role in political outcomes.

Historically a fragile and highly diverse nation, Nigeria has seen frequent spates of conflict. The violence in the oil rich Niger Delta is decades old, but in recent years, the Islamist militant group Boko Haram and its offshoot Ansaru have terrorized the northern part of the country. An estimated 10,000 Nigerians have been killed in the conflict since 2010. In one attack in February of this year, 49 schoolboys were killed, and just two weeks ago—and well after the schoolgirls were kidnapped—Boko Haram raided Gurumshi village, murdering 42 people.

Equally devastating has been the slow, counterproductive, and often brutal reactions of the government and its security forces. In early May, President Jonathan requested an extension to the year-long state of emergency in Adamawa, Borno, and Yobe states. Despite having one of the largest defense budgets in sub-Saharan Africa of more than $5 billion, Nigeria’s poorly trained and corrupt military has been ineffective to say the least. For example, in one incident in March of this year, Nigerian security forces killed more than 600 mostly unarmed civilians. Actions like these not only alienate the population but also embolden Boko Haram and directly aid in its recruiting efforts.

Like Nigeria, most of Africa’s economies are booming. If you travel throughout the continent, one of the first sights you’ll encounter as you exit the airports of major cities is the panoply of cranes and accompanying construction. While much of the world slowed down during the global economic recession, African nations forged ahead. In recent years, seven of the ten fastest growing economies in the world have been in Africa—with Ethiopia, Mozambique, and Tanzania leading the way. East Africa, long a first stop for tourists on the continent for game reserves, is increasingly becoming known for its newly discovered oil and gas plays. And natural resources aren’t the only driver of the boom: International businesses are investing heavily in telecoms, agriculture, retail, and financial services.

In the coming decades, population growth on the continent will coincide with this impressive economic growth. While population figures are leveling off throughout the rest of the world, Africa’s will continue rising. The continent’s current population of 1.1 billion will increase to 2.4 billion by 2050, accounting for more than half of the world’s total population growth in that timeframe, according to the UN.

And yet, despite economic growth and a rising middle class, the majority of Africans remain poor—nearly 50 percent of the population across the continent still lives on less than $1.25 per day according to the World Bank. In late May Christine Lagarde of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) cautioned that while African economic growth is expected to far exceed global averages and reach 5.5 percent this year, “poverty remains stuck at unacceptably high levels.”

This is particularly true in rural areas that can become havens for extremist movements. Mali, a longtime peaceful country and donor darling, suffered a coup in 2012 and continues to struggle with jihadist movements in its vast north. Evidence suggests Boko Haram is connected to insurgents in Mali and also potentially to Islamists in Niger, Chad, and other countries.

And pockets of instability are not unique to West Africa. Secretary of State John Kerry’s recent trip to Africa highlighted the seemingly intractable conflicts in Somalia, South Sudan, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. In each of these cases, among the primary underlying causes of ongoing unrest are weak governments and poorly functioning militaries that cannot control their own borders and often prey upon their own populations. Security sector reform is among the most important overlooked challenges in Africa’s development.

A short decade ago, Africa could not shake its generations-long reputation for war, disease, and famine. But now, as China and others look on with great interest, a new narrative of economic growth and development is emerging. From 2000 to 2010, extreme poverty decreased by nearly 10 percent. The truth, in Africa as in much of the rest of the world, is that large-scale instability is decreasing, even as terrorism and smaller-scale forms of violence are on the rise.

None of these larger trends will comfort the individual families who still are missing their daughters in Borno state. In order to prevent extremism and realize a more prosperous and secure future in Africa, African leaders and the international community need to renew their commitments to invest in institutions, professionalize security forces, root out corruption, and address the underlying poverty and state powerlessness that enables extremist groups to thrive. Realizing Africa’s promise depends on it.

About the author: Dane Erickson is a lecturer at the Graduate School of Public Affairs at the University of Colorado. He is currently undertaking a year-long analysis of political and security issues in West Africa and the implications for development and agriculture, in partnership with the Brookings Institution and a network of local research partners.

Source: Article by Dane Erickson / denverpost.com/ 06/14/2014

FG Must Take Tough Steps Against Corruption

The United States has said that high profile corruption in government and business circles are major impediments to inflows of American investments into Nigeria.

The US is the largest source of Foreign Direct Investment in Nigeria, with a total stock valued at $8.2bn as at 2012, said the American Department of Commerce, adding that cases of corruption could discourage further investments.

US Secretary of Commerce, Penny Pritzker, who led a team of 20 American companies on an energy business development trade mission to Nigeria, stated that the Federal Government should take “tough steps” to “root out corruption” with a view to supporting American companies’ ability to do good business.

According to her, the US government and American investors are willing and eager to forge stronger partnerships in Nigeria as business opportunities are abundant in the country. Pritzker said there was a need for the Federal Government to ensure that anti-corruption laws are “enforced predictably and reliably” with a view to spurring more US FDI for the benefit of Nigerians and the American people. She noted that many American businesses are willing to invest in agriculture, health care, transportation, tourism, information and communications technology and manufacturing. She, however, added that they many of them seek conditions that will enable them to operate free from unnecessary regulation, government interference and corruption.

The US Commerce Secretary said, “For US businesses to come here, stay here, and help you achieve your full potential, Nigeria needs to take the tough steps that allow businesses to truly thrive.

“Our companies want to do business in countries that follow the rule of law, maintain ethical standards, abide by workplace safety, encourage workforce training, and protect intellectual property.

“Nigeria has made impressive and important progress in recent years. It has joined the Extractive Industries Transparency Initiative, and adopted new anti-corruption laws.

“We welcome these steps. At the same time, laws only operate on behalf business and the people when they are enforced predictably and reliably.”
The US cabinet member urged the Nigerian government to enlist the active participation of business and civil society organisations to effectively stamp out the menace of corruption.

Advising the Federal Government against stifling whistleblowers, Pritzker said necessary measures needed to be put in place to encourage honest citizens to alert authorities to incidence of corruption. She argued that there was a need for Nigeria to join the World Trade Organisation’s Government Procurement Agreement, adding that local public procurement laws should be implemented according to global best practices.

“Nigeria needs the active participation of business and civil society to successfully root out corruption. Nigeria should adopt the international best practice of providing whistleblower protections. Honest citizens who are willing to alert authorities to corruption as it is taking place are your best resources in this fight.

“Such conditions that promote ease of doing businesses will open Nigeria to more investment and innovation. As more companies succeed in Nigeria, they will act as ‘change agents.’ I am confident that the Nigerian government, business and civil society leaders can develop home grown solutions to these challenges and act as agents of change,” she added.

Chairman of pan-African proprietary investment company, Heirs Holdings, Tony Elumelu, who represented the Organised Private Sector, asked the visiting American businessmen and women to invest in the manufacturing sector.

He explained that the manufacturing sector which contributes “just five per cent” to the national economy has a lot of room to grow.

“We need investors, partners and technical expertise to develop our supply chains, infrastructure and workforce skills. American firms and entrepreneurs can help us accomplish this and gain significant value themselves. And together we can grow Nigeria’s economy while helping the US economic recovery,” Elumelu added.

Source: thecitizenng.com
[b]FG Must Take Tough Steps Against Corruption

The United States has said that high profile corruption in government and business circles are major impediments to inflows of American investments into Nigeria.

The US is the largest source of Foreign Direct Investment in Nigeria, with a total stock valued at $8.2bn as at 2012, said the American Department of Commerce, adding that cases of corruption could discourage further investments.

US Secretary of Commerce, Penny Pritzker, who led a team of 20 American companies on an energy business development trade mission to Nigeria, stated that the Federal Government should take “tough steps” to “root out corruption” with a view to supporting American companies’ ability to do good business.

According to her, the US government and American investors are willing and eager to forge stronger partnerships in Nigeria as business opportunities are abundant in the country. Pritzker said there was a need for the Federal Government to ensure that anti-corruption laws are “enforced predictably and reliably” with a view to spurring more US FDI for the benefit of Nigerians and the American people. She noted that many American businesses are willing to invest in agriculture, health care, transportation, tourism, information and communications technology and manufacturing. She, however, added that they many of them seek conditions that will enable them to operate free from unnecessary regulation, government interference and corruption.

The US Commerce Secretary said, “For US businesses to come here, stay here, and help you achieve your full potential, Nigeria needs to take the tough steps that allow businesses to truly thrive.

“Our companies want to do business in countries that follow the rule of law, maintain ethical standards, abide by workplace safety, encourage workforce training, and protect intellectual property.

“Nigeria has made impressive and important progress in recent years. It has joined the Extractive Industries Transparency Initiative, and adopted new anti-corruption laws.

“We welcome these steps. At the same time, laws only operate on behalf business and the people when they are enforced predictably and reliably.”
The US cabinet member urged the Nigerian government to enlist the active participation of business and civil society organisations to effectively stamp out the menace of corruption.

Advising the Federal Government against stifling whistleblowers, Pritzker said necessary measures needed to be put in place to encourage honest citizens to alert authorities to incidence of corruption. She argued that there was a need for Nigeria to join the World Trade Organisation’s Government Procurement Agreement, adding that local public procurement laws should be implemented according to global best practices.

“Nigeria needs the active participation of business and civil society to successfully root out corruption. Nigeria should adopt the international best practice of providing whistleblower protections. Honest citizens who are willing to alert authorities to corruption as it is taking place are your best resources in this fight.

“Such conditions that promote ease of doing businesses will open Nigeria to more investment and innovation. As more companies succeed in Nigeria, they will act as ‘change agents.’ I am confident that the Nigerian government, business and civil society leaders can develop home grown solutions to these challenges and act as agents of change,” she added.

Chairman of pan-African proprietary investment company, Heirs Holdings, Tony Elumelu, who represented the Organised Private Sector, asked the visiting American businessmen and women to invest in the manufacturing sector.

He explained that the manufacturing sector which contributes “just five per cent” to the national economy has a lot of room to grow.

“We need investors, partners and technical expertise to develop our supply chains, infrastructure and workforce skills. American firms and entrepreneurs can help us accomplish this and gain significant value themselves. And together we can grow Nigeria’s economy while helping the US economic recovery,” Elumelu added.

Source: thecitizenng.com
[/b]FG Must Take Tough Steps Against Corruption

The United States has said that high profile corruption in government and business circles are major impediments to inflows of American investments into Nigeria.

The US is the largest source of Foreign Direct Investment in Nigeria, with a total stock valued at $8.2bn as at 2012, said the American Department of Commerce, adding that cases of corruption could discourage further investments.

US Secretary of Commerce, Penny Pritzker, who led a team of 20 American companies on an energy business development trade mission to Nigeria, stated that the Federal Government should take “tough steps” to “root out corruption” with a view to supporting American companies’ ability to do good business.

According to her, the US government and American investors are willing and eager to forge stronger partnerships in Nigeria as business opportunities are abundant in the country. Pritzker said there was a need for the Federal Government to ensure that anti-corruption laws are “enforced predictably and reliably” with a view to spurring more US FDI for the benefit of Nigerians and the American people. She noted that many American businesses are willing to invest in agriculture, health care, transportation, tourism, information and communications technology and manufacturing. She, however, added that they many of them seek conditions that will enable them to operate free from unnecessary regulation, government interference and corruption.

The US Commerce Secretary said, “For US businesses to come here, stay here, and help you achieve your full potential, Nigeria needs to take the tough steps that allow businesses to truly thrive.

“Our companies want to do business in countries that follow the rule of law, maintain ethical standards, abide by workplace safety, encourage workforce training, and protect intellectual property.

“Nigeria has made impressive and important progress in recent years. It has joined the Extractive Industries Transparency Initiative, and adopted new anti-corruption laws.

“We welcome these steps. At the same time, laws only operate on behalf business and the people when they are enforced predictably and reliably.”
The US cabinet member urged the Nigerian government to enlist the active participation of business and civil society organisations to effectively stamp out the menace of corruption.

Advising the Federal Government against stifling whistleblowers, Pritzker said necessary measures needed to be put in place to encourage honest citizens to alert authorities to incidence of corruption. She argued that there was a need for Nigeria to join the World Trade Organisation’s Government Procurement Agreement, adding that local public procurement laws should be implemented according to global best practices.

“Nigeria needs the active participation of business and civil society to successfully root out corruption. Nigeria should adopt the international best practice of providing whistleblower protections. Honest citizens who are willing to alert authorities to corruption as it is taking place are your best resources in this fight.

“Such conditions that promote ease of doing businesses will open Nigeria to more investment and innovation. As more companies succeed in Nigeria, they will act as ‘change agents.’ I am confident that the Nigerian government, business and civil society leaders can develop home grown solutions to these challenges and act as agents of change,” she added.

Chairman of pan-African proprietary investment company, Heirs Holdings, Tony Elumelu, who represented the Organised Private Sector, asked the visiting American businessmen and women to invest in the manufacturing sector.

He explained that the manufacturing sector which contributes “just five per cent” to the national economy has a lot of room to grow.

“We need investors, partners and technical expertise to develop our supply chains, infrastructure and workforce skills. American firms and entrepreneurs can help us accomplish this and gain significant value themselves. And together we can grow Nigeria’s economy while helping the US economic recovery,” Elumelu added.

Source: thecitizenng.com

Goldenboy007: What of Miss Perfect ?

No such woman - just those that think they are Miss Perfect - same goes for the fantasized about Mr. Perfect.

What DOES exist is Mr./Miss Perfect for YOU.

whitecat007: So what do you want to be called when most of you have said you are not African-Americans? Yard monkeys I've not heard but, akata is fair as only the slave descendants who didn't return are called akata because Nigerian-Americans are technically African-Americans or Black-Americans. Akata is not a racial slur, I grew up hearing it from even my maternal side of the family whose matriarch at one point was a slave returnee.

African Americans call themselves and others in their group various names- Colored, Negro, Black, Black American, African American, American,
Ni**as, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Tom, House Ni**er and Field Ni**er. I can't speak for them- only for myself. I prefer to call myself an American of African descent- same as other Americans of Asian, Irish, Italian, Jewish, Mexican or Polish descent.

Have you had a racial slur hurled at you?

"Akata" IS a racial slur to those being called "Akata" - just like "Wetback" is a racial slur to those being called a "Wetback" (Mexicans).

Just because a racial slur is casually tossed about doesn't mean it's not racially insensitive or offensive to the targeted ethnic group.

Just because a racial slur is used by the targeted group themselves doesn't make it less acceptable, less insensitive or less offensive.

Example: African Americans who refer to each other as "Ni**as but get all riled up when other ethnic groups call them "Ni**a".

Some social psychologists see such self-degradation as self-hate- a lack of self-love.


and the topic was...............

Trust—the act of placing confidence in someone or something else—is a fundamental human experience, necessary for society to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without it, fear rules. Trust is not an either/or proposition, but a matter of degree, and certain life experiences can impact a person's ability to trust others.

Trust issues are like slow-spreading cancers that can kill a promising relationship.

Imagine...

...being accused almost everyday of cheating with friends, relatives, co-workers or anyone else, but you've never cheated, not even once and have no intention of doing so;
...your BF/GF/Spouse calling or texting you multiple times a day at work or in the midst of running errands to 'check up on you';
...having your BF/GF/Spouse pop up at your job, unannounced, trying to see who you're talking to or who's talking to you;
...being given the third-degree, if you come in late from work;
...hearing your partner ask your kids: "Who was in the house today?"
...coming home, being dragged to the bedroom and made to suffer through the indignity of having your BF/Hubby "check out" your private area for signs of intimate going-ons;
...coming home and having your GF/Wife sniffing all over your body, trying to detect the smell of perfume, soap or the after-smell of intimacy;
...having your BF/GF/Spouse demand your email password or ask to go through your phone ,so as to detect strange phone numbers or suspicious text messages (possible signs of cheating);
...being forced to close all your social networks.

Imagine all this and more.

Now imagine yourself trusting again - happy and secure in a good relationship.

How? By working through your trust issues.

At the root of all trust issues is a past betrayal. Whether abused as a child or cheated on by a spouse, the betrayed person will go through life seeing themselves as less desirable than others, or believing themselves to be unlovable. They will keep others at a distance, avoiding intimate relationships. Only by working through these trust issues - or, rather, lack of trust issues - can the person learn to maintain a healthy boundary while still letting others in.

The deepest issues stem from child abuse, whether molestation, physical or emotional. Molestation and physical abuse are easier to be aware of as an adult, but emotional abuse can cause even more psychological problems and trust issues in an adult abuse survivor. As children who were abused grow up, they may perceive that others will not love them for making mistakes or behaving in certain ways. They also might have a hard time saying "no" to people they care about and people in positions of authority.

All humans are born with a fundamental need to be loved and to love. When children don't receive love, as adults they'll feel a lack of self-worth, that their feelings don't matter, that they lack personal power and that they are unlovable. With these thoughts can come an inability to trust others or their own gut feelings, or a pattern of continuing to trust the wrong people.

When an adult is in an intimate relationship and is betrayed by a partner - whether cheated on, abandoned or abused - they may internalize some of the same ideas as the abused child. They feel powerless, unlovable, and that they are responsible for the betrayal or deserved it. If, at this point, the adult doesn't begin to realize that these internal beliefs are flawed and can hurt them just as much as the hurtful betrayal of another, they'll go on to develop relationships with other abusers or to find inappropriate coping mechanisms such as addictions, perfectionism, misplaced anger or symptoms of physical illness such as high blood pressure or migraines. In any case, they may find themselves unable to trust another person enough to form a truly intimate relationship.

To work through your trust issues, you need to recognize the source of the betrayal and the cause of your anger. If you've been wearing a mask of "I don't care" or "I don't need anyone," it's time to drop the mask and examine yourself. If the betrayal occurred in childhood or hurt you very deeply, it can be helpful to have a therapist or counselor advise you as you work through these issues.

After you dig up and acknowledge your real feelings, it's time to understand and express them. Even in an otherwise healthy relationship, it's easy to express your feelings the wrong way. For example, you may say, "You never come home when you say you will," after your partner stays out too late. Remember that you're responsible for your own feelings and actions, and you can't control the other person's behavior. Say instead something like, "I felt hurt and worried last night, and I don't like feeling like that." Focusing on your feelings instead of the other person's behavior may help him to actually listen and hear you. If s/he does listen to you, you've both made a step towards resolving your trust issues. If, on the other hand, s/he refuses to listen to how you feel, you may want to reassess the relationship. Just the act of stating or owning your feelings is a step toward recovering trust.

Next, you need to examine your history of relationships. If you see a pattern of behavior, such as repeatedly choosing people who are verbally or physically abusive, you should consider changing both the behavior and your boundaries, two important factors in trust issues. Boundaries can be externally physical (like "your space" or "comfort zone", intimate (you determine when, where, how and with whom you choose to be intimate), or internal and emotional (only you are in control of how you feel and what you think, and the same is true for others). You need to "say good-bye" to past abuses or betrayals after seeing how they've been affecting your life. It's likely that you haven't truly done that, even if you think you have. Then you can grieve for those memories you've put behind you. You're giving up an old familiar way of thinking and acting, and that can be both difficult and painful. But it is a vital step in resolving your own trust issues.

Finally, use what you've learned about your feelings and your boundaries to establish relationships in which you assume responsibility for your feelings and actions, and the other person does the same. By healing past betrayals, forgiving the betrayer and yourself - especially your child-self - and taking responsibility for your adult-self, you can reestablish your ability to trust and overcome your trust issues.

Sources:
goodtherapy.com
life123.com - "Working Through Your Trust Issues" by L. Lee Scott

nekede11: Thank u

You're welcome.

pickabeau1: So you admit you use a discriminatory term on a website where africans frequent.. further reinforcing the use of such a steupid word

bigoted much?

I don't do bigotry.

I do observe human behavior...and I have always noticed the 'crab mentality' within the Afram community. What's interesting is the presence of this same mentality among immigrants, especially African and West Indian immigrants. 'Crab Mentality' is a personality disorder. Discussing it is not being discriminatory. It is an acknowledgement that it indeed exists.


BTW...SOME Africans have no problem using discriminatory terms (Akata, Yard Monkey) on a website where Aframs, West Indians and other people of color frequent online...not within a discussion...but as a racial slur...so what are you on about?

When anyone mentions the term “crabs-in-a-barrel” it IS almost always in reference to Black/African people.

However, this mentality CAN be found among almost all ethnicities - not just Black/African people.

Why Do Some Of Us Envy The Success Of Our Own People?
By Silva Umosen

Why is it that when anyone mentions the term “crabs-in-a-barrel” it is almost ALWAYS in reference to Black/African people?

This term has is defined in the Urban Dictionary as follows:

A syndrome where a group of like situated people hurt those in their community attempting to get ahead. Often this is applied to people in an impoverished community where one person is starting to get ahead. The collective community becomes jealous or filled with a sense of self-loathing, so they find a way to pull that person back down to the community’s level. When harvesting crab, the crab as a group will pull down any crab that starts to climb out of the barrel in an attempt to be the first out of the barrel that holds them in, hence crabs-in-a-barrel.

Why do some of us envy another's success?

The 12 Types of Women Guys Want to Date

There are a lot of good women out there, even though it's not always easy to find them. Here's a list of women with traits you should actively look for — and that would make any guy happy:

1. Miss Sweet. Miss Sweet is a woman who's positive, content with her life, always upbeat — and just a blast to be around. She's a genuine person without a female dog bone in her body. She's always truly happy to see you and you find yourself looking forward to spending time with her. Miss Sweets are usually snapped up out of the dating market right away, so they're pretty rare. But if you can find one, you've got a real treasure on your hands.

2. Miss Equality. This type of woman is a true feminist — not one of the radical man-haters, or the hypocritical pseudo-feminists who think that equality means "I demand equal rights and an equal salary, but a man still has to pay for me." The Miss Equalitys of the world genuinely like men, and understand that equality means equality across the board, from holding the door open to fighting on the front lines. They believe that a relationship should be a 50/50 partnership, and are more than willing to shoulder their half of the responsibilities and dating expenses — just because it's the right thing to do.

3. Miss Se**al. You should be so lucky to encounter one of these! Miss Se**al loves men and loves s*x — and makes no bones about it. She's not selling it, she's not using it as a tool to manipulate men — she just naturally craves it. Miss Se**al is not to be confused with a nymphomaniac, who suffers from psychological problems — rather, she has somehow bypassed the female societal training of auctioning off the use of her womanliness to the highest bidder. For this reason, most other women hate her, because she's giving it away free of charge. But men love her because she's a free spirit who's actually honest about her s*x drive. Very rare, but worth searching the ends of the earth for.

4. Miss Best Friend. Closely aligned with Miss Sweet, Miss Best Friend is another joy to be around. She's the kind of woman you're totally in sync with — you like the same things, watch the same TV shows, enjoy going to the same places. You can spend five minutes with her and think you've known her for years. She's always on your side, laughs at all your jokes and calls you just to say "hi" because she genuinely misses you. She's great just to hang with. A word of warning, though — with Miss Best Friend, you have to make your se**al interest known from day one because if she gets it into her head that you are going to be "just friends," it's almost impossible to change her mind.

5. Miss Straightforward. This is the type of woman who knows how to communicate. With Miss Straightforward, there are no games, no expecting men to be mind readers, no behavior based on ridiculous, female-biased advice from articles in Cosmo or The Rules. Miss Straightforward will pick up the phone and ask you out. She will do what she says she will do — not say one thing and do just the opposite. Although she may be blunt at times, at least you'll know where you stand and you'll never have to spend hours trying to decode contradictory or emotion-based female behavior.

6. Miss Independent. This is a good woman to find if you don't have a lot of time to invest in a relationship or you're the type of guy who needs a lot of space. Miss Independent has a real life of her own and is happily going in her own positive direction. She's the type who wants a man in her life, but doesn't need a man in her life. And she certainly isn't looking for men to solve all her problems or blame when things don't go her way.

7. Miss No Pressure. While many women are chomping at the bit to get married, Miss No Pressure hasn't fallen prey to any such agenda. She's happy just to be with you. So you don't get any "Where is our relationship going?" or hint-dropping about the future or window-shopping at the jewelry store. She may want to get married at some point, but she's in no hurry — she thinks that if it happens, it will just happen naturally.

8. Miss Secure. Miss Secure accepts herself as she is and is comfortable with her good points, as well as her bad. And she feels the same about you. Miss Secure doesn't need constant attention to shore up a sagging ego, has tons of self-esteem and is always going in her own positive direction.

9. Miss Personality. Miss Personality is a great find. She might not be up for first prize in a beauty contest (although she could be), but her intelligence, wit and sparkling presence just light up the room, and she draws people like a magnet. Her personality is so charming that it easily overcomes any deficiencies she might have in the looks department, just because she's so great to be with.

10. Miss Low-Maintenance. The rarest of the rare, Miss Low-Maintenance is the most atypical of modern women. She really doesn't care about how much money you have — she just likes you for yourself and not for what she can take from you. She's likely to be a true feminist, and will gladly pay her share of the dating expenses. If you can find a Miss Low-Maintenance, hang on to her for dear life!

11. Miss Right for You. A lot of guys choose women who are "arm candy" — good-looking trophy girlfriends who bolster their status among other men or counteract their own insecurities. That's all well and good, but if you find a woman who makes you happy, regardless of looks, age or social status — or what any other guy thinks — then you have definitely won at the mating game.

Source: askmen.com

Part 2 - Who Should You Throw Back Into The Dating Pool?

For Men Only: Types of Nigerian Women You Should Not Date

There are lots of marries reasons why a brother should stay away from some Nigerian women. I am sure you know this by now, but I tell you, here is my list of the no-no; the women you should never touch, even with a 100 feet long pole. They are killers, not physically maybe, but for your future destiny, happiness and purpose in life, be wary of them and you will live long.

1. Miss Big Boss. She is sweet and well-mannered initially, but sooner than later, you will realize that she is slowly becoming the boss, ordering you around, often with a sweet smile and a tone you will not refuse. She gives you tips on how to lead your life, maintain your relationships and how ambitious you should be. She tells you the kinds of guys you should hang out with and makes sure you go where she is comfortable with. She wants you to abide by her likes and dislikes, and eat whatever she loves eating. My guy, you are in for one big trouble with her.

2. Miss 'Keep on Guessing'. She loves to play hard to get and wants you to always be on the edge. You don’t know when her ‘yes’ is ‘yes’. Even if she says 'yes', you are left waiting for her to make a plan to meet. She will always keep you guessing about whether she likes you or not. As a result, you are forever insecure that someday, she might just end up with someone else.

3. Miss Chatterbox. Guys please do not mistake of dating these type of women, because they will drive you nuts with their never-ending prattle. And, know it that she who tends to talk too much is often a gossip and cantankerous. She will never shut up, barely stopping to breathe. She does not ‘hear’ stop, even from you, her supposed man. Most times, she is only concerned about what is going on in her life, and always has to make a comment about everything and dominates conversations.

4. Miss Desperado. This is a clear ‘run-run-run’ signal. If you are unfortunate enough to hook up with a desperate chick, boy, you are doomed. At first, she seems just the perfect woman, fantastic and fun to be with but once you get past the first month of your relationship, she usually reveals her true self. She remembers and celebrates the first day you met, who said hello first, your first date, your first kiss, the first time you said ‘I love you’ and the first call you made to her. When she succeeds in these, she starts talking about your wedding location, how many kids she wants and the name of your future dog! When a woman advances faster than normal, that is the watch out signal, my brother. She needs to hook up with a man so bad she will settle for anything even the homeless guy on the corner.

5. Miss Critical. You will be digging your grave if you settle for Miss Critical because she will definitely drive you there. For her, nagging is her second nature and anything you say or do is simply not good enough. Nothing works unless it is done according to her standards. Anything that is said by anyone will be quickly taken out of context to become some sort of insult or some reason to wage war against the world. This type of woman has plenty of emotional baggage and will make you an angry and bitter person as there will be nothing but misery with her.

6. Miss Bimbo. Unless you are after the one night stands, run away from Miss Bimbo because that is what she is only good at. She has a great body, good looks and skills, only meant for the bedroom. But intellectually, she is a numbskull, who, in all honesty, believes her prowess in the bed qualifies her to be taken home to mama. Guys, she is only good for the sack as she has nothing upstairs; she is lazy, lethargic and indolent, only believing her behind the door abilities covers everything.

7. Miss High Maintenance. My friend, even if you work in the biggest multi-national company in Nigeria and your monthly salary is in the region of 2 million, you are still in trouble with this woman. After all, is it not said that the higher one goes, the higher his bills? If Miss High Maintenance breaks a nail, she expects you to take her to the most expensive salon in town to fix it. Her shopping is not done in Yaba or Oshodi but in the classy boutiques at Lekki, Victoria Island and Ikoyi. If her car develops a minor fault, she needs a new car, after all, her daddy used to tell her she is a princess and it has stuck in her head, so she is to be treated like one. Gradually, she will turn you into her ATM and once you cannot meet up with her demands, off she goes.

8. Miss Jealous Forever. With Miss Jealous Forever, every female that greets you is a rival and must be fought off. Even your innocent little cousin or niece must stay away from you or else, they will know that there is a difference between acid and water. Don’t ever make the attempt of chatting with your female colleague or the pretty choir mistress in your church because Miss Jealous Forever will tear her apart. She is always on guard, insecure and never at peace in the relationship and if care is not taken will be jealous of your own mother. Guys, run for your life!

9. Miss Dependent. Another one to run from with your heels touching the back of your neck. Miss Dependent is so insecure that her slogan is; 'I live for you and I have nothing else to do'. She is totally dependent on you and her happiness and survival depends on you. She can't think of a life without you and of course, you will love the affection initially, but later, it will become suffocating and you will want to give up. She will keep texting you and asking you for updates every minute and if you don't tell her 'I love you' often in a day, she will feel the world is ending for her.

10. Miss Clingy. Do not mistake Miss Clingy for Miss Dependent. Though they may have a lot in common, they are two different people. Miss Clingy is a total nuisance who can’t go anywhere or do anything without the company of her man. She’ll adopt your interests, call you 20 times a day and fly off the handle anytime she’s not around to monitor your behavior. She will smother any chance of you missing her by insisting that you spend every waking moment with her, refusing to let you go out with the boys or spend any significant amount of time with anyone else.

About the author...Isaac Dachen is a Creative Writer, a professional PR Manager, Brand Manager, Media Manager, and Image/Perception Manager, Script Editor, Content Creator and avid reader. He is versatile, eclectic, thinker, amenable, stubborn and controversial. Source: pulse.ng

For Women Only: Types Of Nigerian Men You Should Not Date
By Isaac Dachen

I am a man of my words and when I promised to give a list of men and women you should run away from. I knew I must fulfill the promise or I would be mugged and called all sorts of names by the women-folk. So, here I am with my list of the most dangerous men Nigerian ladies should be aware of. Maybe you have always been unlucky to run into these types of men; it’s now time to run far, far, away.

1. Mr. Scaredy-Cat. While seemingly a normal, possibly timid guy, things can go extremely wrong when he finds out your true feelings. Men like these aren't mature enough to handle relationships, so they avoid them at all costs. For example, he may show signs of sharing your infatuation, but when talk of commitment comes up, he acts as if you've never even met. If this man comes into your life, don’t beat yourself up over his sudden change of heart. He’s simply a scared little boy, not the man of your dreams.

2. Mr. Flirt. He is better known with the now refined name of ‘player’ and he is all out for anything in skirt. He has dozens of women on the backburner and possesses a constant hunger to string more along to fulfill his insecure mindset. When you spot this man, don’t let him get to you. You can bet those charming one-liners and suave winks have been used many times before to his advantage. You’ll always be an option, but never a priority.

3. Mr. Blow-Off. This guy has no trouble setting plans and organizing dates. In fact, he is usually the one that routinely lights up your phone every Friday night, promising you some fun time over the weekend. But you may not be the one he actually has in mind because he schedules numerous dates and weighs his options. If you’re not top on his list, you’ll probably get the “Oh, sorry, I’m not feeling so well,” text or possibly no response at all. Don’t let it bother you; he wasn't worth your time.

4. Mr. Narcissist. Mr. Narcissist loves himself more than he loves you and spends more time on himself at your detriment. Does your man spend more time getting ready than you do? Does he constantly check his hair in every mirror he comes across? Is he seemingly more in love with himself than in you? Are his interests limited to his own idealistic opinions and profound theories? Yeah, he’s head over heels - with himself, and does not have an iota whether you exist.

5. Mr. Dramatic. Mr. Dramatic is a modern day prima donna and can freak out at anything just to make you feel guilty. He will fan every little disagreement you have into a full blown argument or even a fight because he wants to be heard first and above anyone else. He complains about everything you do and makes sure your friends and colleagues know any little offence you committed against him. He can’t handle jokes, criticism or sarcasm and is always on the boil, ready to explode.

6. Mr. Power Monger. Mr. Power Monger has a need to control you, your life, time, activities and even your finances. He wants to dictate what you do and where you go, the friends you keep and even the way you speak to him. If he starts ordering you around, tries to manipulate you in any way, or verbally or physically abuses you, it is time to do a reality check on the relationship. If you give him any hint of taking his control, he will only continue to build power by wearing you down. In order for a relationship to happily function, both sides need to share authority. He isn’t the boss of you; you control your own life.

7. Mr. Know-It-All. Even as a man, I hate people who claim to know everything and I know that everyone hates a know-it-all. If you find yourself with this man, you’ll become aware of your situation very quickly. You’ll probably be told you’re incorrect more frequently and you should prepare for the flood of extensive knowledge your man is going to heap upon you. The information you’re being bombarded with is this man’s way of looking smarter or trying to impress you. It’s not impressive, it’s downright annoying.

8. Mr. Judgmental. It is one thing to watch what people do and another thing to point out every flaw in those around you. This man can spot someone unique and different from a mile away and has this conformist need to cut them up and express his dislike of their differences. For him, your friends are bad influences on you and will lead to your doom. Your pastor or Imam is not doing anything right and you should dump them. He is incredibly shallow and don’t have the capacity to dig deep and really get to know anyone out of the ordinary. You don’t want to date a mean, un-understanding man.

9. Mr. Kept Man. These types of guys are everywhere, especially in big cities, preying on lonely big girls and elderly women for their upkeep. He has no job and has no plans to get one. What is worse is that he’s got champagne taste on a beer budget and knows how to manipulate his way into your wallet to support the lavish lifestyle he desperately wants. He knows the best boutique in town and has a sharp dress sense – all on you. He might seem like a super nice guy who is going through some tough times, but he's only concerned about what you can do for him. Don’t let this guy charm his way into your heart or your wallet, because he will not be easy to let go!

10. Mr. Mama’s Boy. Men must always be close to their families, especially their mothers but if your guy is the type who can’t take any decisions without his mama’s input, my dear, you are in serious competition. We are not talking about a man who once in a while, seeks his mother’s advice on some life-altering decisions here; we mean the guy who compares you to his mother negatively, runs to his mother at the slightest drop of an hat, needs mummy’s advice on his clothes, car, job, food and his kind of woman; he will surely make you play second fiddle as mama will always be the number.

11. Mr. Married Man. I know most women run away from a guy who's married, but some aren't aware of his relationship status or they find out after they've already fallen in love for him. In either case, don't get caught up with the married guy. He's obviously unable to stay faithful to the woman he made a vow to be with, but he also manipulates his situation so that you feel sorry for him and fall for all of his lies. He might lead you to believe that he's trapped in a loveless marriage and that he's going to eventually leave his wife and children for you, but in most, if not all situations, there's very little chance that he's going to change for anyone.

12. Mr. Shady. This is one of those men ALL women with an iota of common sense should avoid at ALL costs. He's usually loaded, has all the trappings of wealth yet you have no clue where that wealth comes from. Your wish is his command. He frequently travels abroad with no explanation - sometimes taking you along with him. He counters your curious questions with an impatient "It's none of your business!" Pay attention to your instincts. Don't let your greed for material things override your common sense. This guy is not on the up and up. RUN!!!

About the author...Isaac Dachen is a Creative Writer, a professional PR Manager, Brand Manager, Media Manager, and Image/Perception Manager, Script Editor, Content Creator and avid reader. He is versatile, eclectic, thinker, amenable, stubborn and controversial. Source: pulse.ng

Nigeria Showcases Problems, Promise of Rising Africa
BY Dane Erickson

In Nigeria, Boko Haram and #BringBackOurGirls are just one side of the story. As in much of Africa, terrorism, lawlessness, and state powerlessness exist alongside economic growth and rapidly declining poverty.

As odd as it sounds today, in early April Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan and his administration were getting ready to reap weeks of positive international media attention. Despite ongoing insurgencies in the north, economists announced that Nigeria had surpassed South Africa as the continent’s largest economy, and global leaders were preparing to convene in the capital as Abuja hosted the prestigious World Economic Forum.

That was before #BringBackOurGirls. The abduction of an estimated 276 schoolgirls by Boko Haram in the village of Chibok led to unprecedented international outcry, including a massive Twitter campaign endorsed by Michelle Obama and many others. As the hopes for a quick rescue operation dimmed, global media refocused their spotlight on the inadequate response by Nigerian politicians and the ineffectiveness of the Nigerian military. Rarely has the world focused so intently on current events inside an African nation.

These two seemingly incongruous storylines in Nigeria—one of a rising continental power and another of lawlessness and state incompetence—highlight the Africa that is emerging at the beginning of the 21st century. As the world begins to take note of fast-growing African economies and an emerging middle class, new terrorist threats have emerged alongside age-old challenges of religious and ethnic conflict, graft, and ineffective institutions.

In recent years, Nigeria has had a lot to celebrate. Its economy has averaged an impressive 7 percent growth over the past decade. As Africa’s leading oil producer with the second largest oil reserves on the continent, other sectors are also beginning to emerge. The mobile telecom, banking, and the film industries have rapidly grown in the past few years, and Nigerian entrepreneurs hope to make their country Africa’s tech hub. Earlier this year, the president of the African Development Bank explained that analysts are “very bullish about the Nigerian economy,” in part due to reforms that are inviting private sector investment in new areas such as power and agriculture.

In April, with 2015 elections on the horizon, economists announced that Nigeria had leapfrogged South Africa as the continent’s largest economy. Due largely to an overdue revision to the method in which Nigerian GDP is measured, the country’s GDP increased by 89 percent to $510 billion. And looking ahead, the outlook remains bright, driven in part by the incredible population growth expected in the coming years. According to UN estimates last year, Nigeria’s current 174 million people will increase to 440 million in the next 35 years, surpassing the population of the United States by 2050.

Despite these trends, the problems the world has witnessed in recent weeks in Nigeria also reflect the country’s current state of affairs. Nigeria’s impressive economic growth is tempered by the fact that 68 percent of Nigerians live on less than $1.25 per day according to the World Bank; the country ranks 153rd out of 187 nations on the UN Human Development Index. Furthermore, ethnic, religious, and social cleavages in Nigeria (southern Christians control more resources, wealth, and power than northern Muslims) play a large role in political outcomes.

Historically a fragile and highly diverse nation, Nigeria has seen frequent spates of conflict. The violence in the oil rich Niger Delta is decades old, but in recent years, the Islamist militant group Boko Haram and its offshoot Ansaru have terrorized the northern part of the country. An estimated 10,000 Nigerians have been killed in the conflict since 2010. In one attack in February of this year, 49 schoolboys were killed, and just two weeks ago—and well after the schoolgirls were kidnapped—Boko Haram raided Gurumshi village, murdering 42 people.

Equally devastating has been the slow, counterproductive, and often brutal reactions of the government and its security forces. In early May, President Jonathan requested an extension to the year-long state of emergency in Adamawa, Borno, and Yobe states. Despite having one of the largest defense budgets in sub-Saharan Africa of more than $5 billion, Nigeria’s poorly trained and corrupt military has been ineffective to say the least. For example, in one incident in March of this year, Nigerian security forces killed more than 600 mostly unarmed civilians. Actions like these not only alienate the population but also embolden Boko Haram and directly aid in its recruiting efforts.

Like Nigeria, most of Africa’s economies are booming. If you travel throughout the continent, one of the first sights you’ll encounter as you exit the airports of major cities is the panoply of cranes and accompanying construction. While much of the world slowed down during the global economic recession, African nations forged ahead. In recent years, seven of the ten fastest growing economies in the world have been in Africa—with Ethiopia, Mozambique, and Tanzania leading the way. East Africa, long a first stop for tourists on the continent for game reserves, is increasingly becoming known for its newly discovered oil and gas plays. And natural resources aren’t the only driver of the boom: International businesses are investing heavily in telecoms, agriculture, retail, and financial services.

In the coming decades, population growth on the continent will coincide with this impressive economic growth. While population figures are leveling off throughout the rest of the world, Africa’s will continue rising. The continent’s current population of 1.1 billion will increase to 2.4 billion by 2050, accounting for more than half of the world’s total population growth in that timeframe, according to the UN.

And yet, despite economic growth and a rising middle class, the majority of Africans remain poor—nearly 50 percent of the population across the continent still lives on less than $1.25 per day according to the World Bank. In late May Christine Lagarde of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) cautioned that while African economic growth is expected to far exceed global averages and reach 5.5 percent this year, “poverty remains stuck at unacceptably high levels.”

This is particularly true in rural areas that can become havens for extremist movements. Mali, a longtime peaceful country and donor darling, suffered a coup in 2012 and continues to struggle with jihadist movements in its vast north. Evidence suggests Boko Haram is connected to insurgents in Mali and also potentially to Islamists in Niger, Chad, and other countries.

And pockets of instability are not unique to West Africa. Secretary of State John Kerry’s recent trip to Africa highlighted the seemingly intractable conflicts in Somalia, South Sudan, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. In each of these cases, among the primary underlying causes of ongoing unrest are weak governments and poorly functioning militaries that cannot control their own borders and often prey upon their own populations. Security sector reform is among the most important overlooked challenges in Africa’s development.

A short decade ago, Africa could not shake its generations-long reputation for war, disease, and famine. But now, as China and others look on with great interest, a new narrative of economic growth and development is emerging. From 2000 to 2010, extreme poverty decreased by nearly 10 percent. The truth, in Africa as in much of the rest of the world, is that large-scale instability is decreasing, even as terrorism and smaller-scale forms of violence are on the rise.

None of these larger trends will comfort the individual families who still are missing their daughters in Borno state. In order to prevent extremism and realize a more prosperous and secure future in Africa, African leaders and the international community need to renew their commitments to invest in institutions, professionalize security forces, root out corruption, and address the underlying poverty and state powerlessness that enables extremist groups to thrive. Realizing Africa’s promise depends on it.

About the author: Dane Erickson is a lecturer at the Graduate School of Public Affairs at the University of Colorado. He is currently undertaking a yearlong analysis of political and security issues in West Africa and the implications for development and agriculture, in partnership with the Brookings Institution and a network of local research partners.

Pittsburgh's New Immigrants: A Nigerian immigrant brings an entrepreneurial drive to his new country
By Mark Roth / Pittsburgh Post-Gazette / June 7, 2014 11:24 PM

For one Pittsburgh immigrant, the chickens really did come before the eggs.

When Emeka Onwugbenu was 9 and growing up in a small village in Nigeria, his grandmother gave him a pair of chickens. For him, they weren't pets. They were a business opportunity. They would lay their eggs and I would take them down to the women on the streets in the morning because they had to cook for guys going to work, and I'd get 5 cents an egg. And then after a while, you could buy one more chicken."

Today, Emeka Onwugbenu is the owner and driving force behind E Properties and Development in Lawrenceville, which builds and renovates structures in Lawrenceville, Garfield and Friendship, including the distinctive Croghan's Edge housing plan on Penn Avenue in lower Lawrenceville. In the space of four years, the 28-year-old Penn State engineering graduate has established himself as one of the city's most innovative developers.

He is also part of a growing cadre of African immigrants in Pittsburgh. In 1980, there were only 200 Africans in Allegheny County. By 2010, that number had skyrocketed to more than 2,000. Africans make up a small but vibrant part of Pittsburgh's newer immigrants -- the people the Post-Gazette is documenting in a yearlong series of stories. And Nigerians in particular are known for the outsized impact they have had on the United States.

In their recent book "The Triple Package: How Three Unlikely Traits Explain the Rise and Fall of Cultural Groups in America," Yale Law School professors Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld say that Nigerians are the largest and most successful African immigrant group in the nation. Nigerians make up a disproportionate share of America's black physicians and law school students, they say. Last year, Nigerians made up nearly a quarter of the 120 black students at Harvard Business School.

Mr. Onwugbenu is also a member of the Igbo ethnic group, long known for its entrepreneurial talents.

"At my core, I've always been an entrepreneur," he said. "It's always been in my genome. In college, I'd be buying stuff from Craigslist to sell to students or buy stuff from Craigslist to sell on eBay. It wasn't about the money. It was just the process that fascinated me: How do you do this?"

One of eight children, he arrived here in 2002 to attend Penn State as an industrial engineering major.

"For my dad, just having me go to the U.S. to go to school, that was big."

On his first day at Penn State, he got up at 5 a.m. for an 8 a.m. English class, and showed up at 7:15 a.m. to sit in the front row, only to realize most of his classmates didn't show up until five minutes before the class. A few weeks later, he got an official inquiry asking why he hadn't ever shown up for his English class. "It turns out I was so excited the first day I went to the wrong section, and I had to switch."

After graduating in 2006, he came to Pittsburgh to work for Medrad, a medical device manufacturer, as a facilities and products engineer. The next oldest engineer in his group was in his 40s, and "that group really humbled me, because I was working with a bunch of older guys who really knew what they were doing. They really grounded me and allowed me to appreciate what I learned in school."

Medrad also paid for most of his tuition when he decided he wanted to get his MBA at Carnegie Mellon University. He signed up for night classes, and then, in the midst of working full time and going to school, he decided to start his property business.

"I'd always had an interest in real estate, but I was never sure how to go about it, because it seemed too big. But I kept thinking, once you've created something in real estate, it can stay there forever."

Despite how busy he already was, he decided the bargains he could get in the middle of the recession were too good to pass up. He bought a home in Bloomfield for $35,000 and hired a crew to renovate it, which ratcheted up his schedule from super busy to crazy busy.

"On a typical day, I would wake up at 4:30 or 5:30 in the morning, and go to the job site, and start talking to my crews and maybe make a Home Depot run for them, and at 8 or 8:30, I'd go to work at Medrad.

"I'd work until 11, and then I would go out for a long lunch to the job site, see how we were doing, and try to schedule meetings then with anyone I needed to see. I would stay there until 12:30 or 1, and I'd have to go back to work. Around 4 or 4:30, I would realize I had an exam at Carnegie Mellon at 6, and at 8 I had a project due.

"Around 5 I would log onto my second laptop for school and get that project done. I would leave work and on the way to school, I would stop at the site, ask them what are the plans for tomorrow, and I would get to school late, sit at the back, and I would try to process what the teacher was saying but I might open up my work laptop and do my Medrad work, and then I'd go to my next class and have another project due at midnight, so I would work on that.

"So it would now be midnight, and I'd start driving home and go through a Wendy's or McDonald's, get home around 1:30 and fall asleep, and then I would get up again at 4:30. I've never been so disciplined in my life."

Even obtaining financing was challenging.

"To get a loan in a recession is crazy, but doing all of that with an accent from Nigeria is half ridiculous."

Scott Suess, a vice president at S&T Bank, was the man who decided to extend credit to Mr. Onwugbenu while working for Dollar Bank.

"It was a straightforward credit decision," he said. "He had the necessary resources to do what he wanted to do. And you figure, if someone has gotten into CMU, he must be pretty smart."

From that first house flip, he has gone on to build a business that employs six full-time staff members and 15 to 25 independent contractors. While he doesn't keep statistical breakdowns of his staff, "I try to make sure my staff is a well-balanced and diverse team" with both black and white employees.

Mr. Onwugbenu, who has permanent residency status in the U.S., is now getting ready to convert the former McCleary School in Lawrenceville into luxury condominiums, and the former Holy Family church and school in Lawrenceville into apartments.

His firm is best known so far for the award-winning Croghan's Edge development, which won a 2012 design award from the American Institute of Architects. The parcel was so tiny that the four modular homes had to be lifted onto their foundations by cranes. "It was almost like Legos. On a Wednesday you saw the foundations and if you came back on Friday, you saw the four houses."

Mr. Suess' S&T Bank financed that project, and he recalled being impressed not only at how Mr. Onwugbenu could fit four townhouses into such a minuscule space, but how the demand for them raised the prices more than $50,000 higher than originally projected.

"His townhouses may have been the first ones to sell at the prices they did. To sell a townhouse for over $300,000 in Lawrenceville would have been unprecedented 10 years before that."

Before he could afford to open his offices on Butler Street, Mr. Onwugbenu did his work in coffeehouses. At one particular spot, he recalled, "I would come in early and take two tables. One was my working table and the second one I put a jacket on it, and that was my conference room."

"I tipped them a lot. They were giving me free Wi-Fi, free heat in the winter, a clean space, and as an immigrant, that was all very valuable."

Recently, he persuaded one of his sisters, a CPA in Washington, D.C., to move to Pittsburgh to run the finances for his company.

Uche Onwugbenu was the first in the family to attend college, enrolling in Catholic University in Washington when she was 16. After getting her finance degree, she worked for Ernst & Young and other large firms in the Washington region and was happy there.

But when her father suggested she go to Pittsburgh to help her younger brother, she didn't hesitate. Her father, who had become a successful businessman in Nigeria, had paid for so much of the college costs for all eight siblings that none of them graduated with any debt, "so it was my way of paying him back for that."

"My father finished his schooling with the equivalent of a seventh-grade education," Mr. Onwugbenu added, "and he had the foresight to see how important education would be for his children."

A 2012 study by the Fiscal Policy Institute, a New York think tank, said that immigrants are slightly more likely than native-born Americans to start small businesses, and their sheer numbers mean they now comprise 18 percent of all small business owners in the United States.

All told, immigrant business owners employ 4.7 million workers in the U.S. and generate revenues of $776 billion a year, the report said.

Africans are not leading entrepreneurs in that group, mainly because of their small numbers. Nigerian immigrants, for instance, make up less than 1 percent of all black Americans.

But Nigerians are famous for their achievements in high-skilled fields, Ms. Chua and Mr. Rubenfeld wrote. They may make up about 10 percent of the nation's black physicians, and are prominent in investment banking. One Goldman Sachs analyst told them, "If my only life experiences were at Goldman, my impression would be that Nigeria must have a billion people, because most of the black people I met were Nigerian."

Mr. Onwugbenu believes the very act of going to a new country makes people more likely to take chances.

"As an immigrant, you're out of your base country anyway, so you're truly out of your comfort zone in a new culture, with new food, new weather, new everything. With that mind-set, taking on a new challenge is almost second nature. Because if you've left home, there's no point holding back now."

In some ways, he feels he's just getting started.

He is getting married Labor Day weekend to Linda Chukwuma, a Nigerian woman he met through family friends. She is attending law school in London, and he recently set up a branch of his development business in the British capital.

Even with his international interests, though, he now feels like a Pittsburgher. "My company is here, my friends are here, my wife is moving here, we hope to have kids here."

And he sees his African heritage and his differences as an asset in this city.

"I'm not from here; I know that. I have a long last name; I recognize that. But I actually see that as an advantage. If I come into any meeting and say hello to you and say my name, I guarantee you will never forget it."

Part 2 - How Does The World View 'Jungle Justice' in Africa?

In the following article, the stereotype of Africans/Nigerians as being butal, savage, bloodthirsty, backward and uncivilized is furthered bolstered by the actions of an ignorant faction. Because Nigeria remains vulnerable to violence and corruption, the rule of law ranks high on the foreign investors' check list.

Nigeria: How Violence Threatens Nigeria's Revival
By John Defterios, CNN

(CNN) -- This should be the time Nigeria steps into the spotlight and basks in the glow of hosting the World Economic Forum in Africa.
It is the first time the West African country has hosted the VIP event since the Geneva-based WEF came to the continent nearly a quarter century ago -- but the spotlight has shifted.

Focus is now on the Nigeria's list of problems in the North: kidnappings, terrorist attacks and killings.

The country has been a terrific economic growth story for the past few years, humming along at around 7%. It is at the heart of what many define as an African Renaissance.

After decades of loans from international lenders such as the World Bank, high debt and little development, Africa is coming alive.
That is why Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan and his highly regarded economic team were eager to bring global CEOs to their turf.
But Nigeria does have a couple of obvious economic black-eyes, most notably an inability to close the wealth gap between the North and South, which in turn has given fuel to the Boko Haram movement and, by extension, radical Islam.

These groups take issue with what they see as the negative influences of globalization. The WEF is seen as standing at the forefront of a policy discussion and networking linked to more, not less, globalization.

The best indicator for the wealth gap is per capita income. Let's start in the financial capital of Lagos and work our way North.

In Lagos, it is pegged at just over $2,900, according to a survey by Renaissance Capital. In the political capital of Abuja, where the economic forum is taking place, it rises to $4,000.

But if one heads North to Borno -- the birthplace of Boko Haram -- per capita income is just $1,631. There is an overemphasis on farming, very little in the way of an industrial base and the financial situation is even worse in surrounding states.

In Borno, alarmingly, 60% of the population lives in extreme poverty, according to the Nigeria Security Tracker.

*Analysis: Boko Haram poses wider threat

Poverty and violence often go hand-in-hand, and that is the case here. Nearly a third of all violent deaths in the country over the past two years have taken place in this region.

*Africa's economic outlook

One cannot overlook the effort by the terrorist group to ramp up the heat ahead of this high-profile business forum. But at the same time one cannot ignore the lack of progress in fighting off the violence and persistent corruption. This government's track record of unleashing pent-up demand is solid. After re-basing its economy in early April to take in services growth, Nigeria zoomed ahead of South Africa as the continent's biggest economy.

Nigeria and South Africa are both plagued with high unemployment, but the former's GDP now stands at over a half trillion dollars while the latter's is at $325 billion. South Africa also struggles with less than a third of Nigeria's growth. South Africa's President Jacob Zuma goes to the polls making the case that his country can serve as a springboard into the faster growing economies of West and East Africa, due to its lead in financial and trade services.

Nigerian private sector banks and telecom providers have a different view.

Nigeria has all the ingredients for growth: 170 million people, a low debt level and low budget deficit with the blessing of sizable proven oil reserves. At 37 billion barrels, the country is ranked second on the continent behind Libya.

It is a nice recipe for growth, but the rule of law and rooting out corruption rank high on the foreign investor check list. That is where Nigeria
remains vulnerable.

Some years back, my friends and I were listening to a news story on the radio that dealt with the lynching of the ringleader of a car theft ring in a small town in South Africa.

After months of their town being terrorized by the gang, the young people decided to bring an end to it, because the elders were too "cowardly" to take action. They laid a trap, somehow captured the ringleader (a so-called Rastafarian), beat him almost senseless, put a tire around his neck, poured kerosene over him and set him on fire. Afterwards, they cut off his head, stuck it on a stick and paraded it throughout the town, as proof that the reign of terror was now over.

About a year later, one of my sisters emailed me a video documenting the plight of a 9-year old Ethiopian boy whose right hand was amputated, because he stole two oranges from a marketplace. He was later aopted by an Afram couple from Baltimore Maryland.

Not too long ago, someone e-mailed me a video of an accused thief being burned to death in Warri, Delta State. I was disgusted and horrified. A few months later, a Yoruba friend e-mailed me a video of some elderly Kenyans being burned to death as witches. There are no words to describe my feelings viewing that video.

When you see such things, how do you feel? Is this the type of image some Africans want to portray to the world? 'Jungle Justice' only bolsters the stereotype of Africans as being brutal, savage, bloodthirsty, backward and uncivilized.

In the following article, the author deems 'jungle justice' as a sign of Nigeria's failed state.

Jungle Justice in Nigeria: Signs Of A Failed State
By Mike Ikhariale

One of the justifications for the evolution of the modern state is the desire by humanity to escape from the lawless Hobessian state of nature, wherein life was reputed to be brutish, nasty and short. But because the Nigerian state has, by design or default, failed to live up to these expectations, the society has rapidly descended to that once abandoned bane social order in which human lives, the most valuable asset of mankind, have become valueless, cheap and readily disposable.

In 2012, the killing of four university students unusually aroused the outrage of Nigerians. Just before that incident was the Mubi gruesome massacre of several innocent students. The role played by the social media which went viral with the obscene videos of these most cruel and inhuman treatments being meted out to fellow human beings cannot be over-emphasised; scenes worse than those have become common occurrences all across the country, with the people and the legal order shamelessly looking the other way.

Ordinarily, it is the duty of the State to punish criminals. That is why we have the police, the judiciary and the prisons services. What has, however, happened is that all these official institutions established for the control and management of crimes and criminality, have all lost their credibility and capacities to carry out their institutional duties largely as a result of the weakness of the Nigerian state that was made worse by leaders who did not understand the imperatives of the Rule of Law and constitutionalism; and had chosen to rule the country according to their whims and caprices which have, in turn, alienated them from the very people they purport to serve.

Whatever must have led to the killings of those students, it must be said that the conditions for such gruesome acts of barbarism have already been set in the society long ago and have indeed been entrenched in the consciousness of most Nigerians, especially the urban poor and deprived urchins who joylessly roam the streets and whose daily existence has been deeply brutalised, warped and corrupted, and are therefore, lacking in the humane capacity to make rational judgments with respect to the innocence or guilt of anyone who is unlucky enough to have a loud shout of “thief, thief” raised against him.

It is only God, not police or other security agencies or passing Good Samaritans that can save such an unfortunate individual, as the society seems to have come to the unfortunate conclusion that in the absence (or, where available, the incompetence and corruption) of the official tools for redress against crimes and general deviancy, it is has become surer, quicker and “fairer” to take the laws into their own hands and mete out mob justice instead.

That is why every day, we see in the media frightening headlines like “2 boys lynched for picking pockets,” “A gang of 6 robbers apprehended and burnt to death,” “Police shot and killed suspected car snatchers,” etc. These are typical cases of mob justice which is symptomatic of a failed state.
The everyday experiences of people who have been victims of crimes tend to make some gruesome justifications for the jungle justice that is now common place. Someone, for example, who has been repeatedly robbed, goes to the police station to make a complaint. He is asked to pay for the paper on which the complaint is to be written, to provide the biro that would be used and he is further told that the police have no vehicle or where there is one, no fuel in it and that if he wants anything done, he should also provide the money to fuel the vehicle.

Because he seeks justice, he is willing to cough up money for all these extraneous police demands. Then the alleged robber is arrested and the community members are happy and willing to testify against him because they all “caught him in the act.” The man is arrested but a few days later, he is released by the police who are not ready to process the case any further and the miscreant comes over to the community to boast and further harass the victims over and over again, as well as all those who were ready to pursue the due process of the law against him.

Naturally, the next time a robbery occurs there, they are not likely to go to the police again who they have concluded are colluding with the robbers to torment their lives. By doing so, that community has chosen to set aside the Rule of Law and the ultimate implication is that both the innocent and the guilty alike would, in all future cases, receive equal and barbaric treatments in their own way. At the end of the day, jungle justice would have become the order of the day, while the official legal system is left in abeyance all to the chagrin of law and order and human decency.

Whatever disincentive that would have been applied to the evil practice is eventually nullified when it is proved that even the police force also, in their moments of frustration, do brazenly resort to jungle justice when they summarily execute accused persons in their custody, much against the well-known constitutional presumption of innocence in favour of all accused persons until duly proved to be guilty by a court of law.

Things are further made worse by a judicial process that is openly acknowledged as corrupt, where justice is put on sale to the highest bidder. Citizens watch with awe how corrupt ‘big men’ are being casually left off the hook after looting the nation silly and, in some ridiculous cases, let go after laughable “plea bargain” orders. These are the raw materials from which jungle justice are fashioned.

The people who cannot pay for justice or expect to be accorded with the judicial honour of plea bargain and unjustifiable acquittals from high crimes are tempted to take the illegal and primitive path of jungle justice.

The steady decline of state authority or the reality of state failure has made this brand of justice an attractive model to those who have been materially and circumstantially alienated from the formal state processes, as they actually think they are helping themselves even if in the process, they violate the fundamental rights of others. In any case, to these people, the rule of law is a luxury they don’t expect and which they cannot give.

Source: punchng.com

Rate Of In-Family Child Molestation Rises In Nigeria
BY Leonard Okachie

Nigerians forbid incest because of cultural, traditional and religious beliefs. But pedophiles with their abnormal se**al preference for children are on the rise. More fathers are also being charged for having s*x with their daughters.

Janet (not real name) has an unforgivable hatred for her brother. In fact, she wishes not to see him again in her life. Why? Her brother has traumatised her. Now a grown up lady, Janet is haunted by past ugly experience when she was a child. According to her, when she was seven years old, she was sleeping in the same room with her elder brother then 20. After each night prayer, her elder brother prodded her to watch Bleep-rated videos together, caressing her breasts and other parts of the body during the show. Eventually, he started having s*x with her. Even as the incestuous relationship became a regular affair, he warned her not to tell their parents or any other person. Till their parents died, Janet said they had no idea what went on between her and the brother.Now, a grown up, Janet can no longer control her libido, as she sleeps around with different men. She believes the elder brother is responsible for her predicament and vows never to set her eyes on him again.

Like Janet, a 10-year- old boy, in an orphanage said, “Whenever I see my brother, I feel like killing him. I hate him; I don’t care where he is.”
The boy, whose parents are now dead, reacted angrily when asked about his elder brother. Giving reason for his reaction, he said, “When I was younger, my brother would put his p***s in my mouth and force me to suck it.”

Pedophiles are everywhere; fathers and sons now indulge in the bestial act of defiling their daughters and sisters.

In 2008, the world was shocked when news broke in Amstetten, Austria, a rural town about 150 km (93 miles) west of Vienna, that a 73-year-old man, Josef Fritzl, held his daughter, Elisabeth Fritzl, 42, hostage in an underground cellar for 24 years, during which time he molested his daughter and fathered seven children with her there. Fritzl explained Elisabeth’s disappearance by saying she had run away from home, a story backed up by letters he forced Elisabeth to write, including one that begged her parents not to look for her.

Studies have shown a rising increase in incestuous relationships between fathers and their daughters, between mothers and their sons and even between other close relations. Those involved are from different strata of the society, the wealthy, rich, middle class and even flotsam and jetsam.
Pedophiles and their ilk involved in incestuous affairs devise different ways of making the victims to do their bidding. Sometimes, they threaten to kill them. Others pretend they really love and have the interest of their victims at heart, lavishing gifts, money and attention on them.

The Lagos State Police Command recently paraded a man through the streets, who defiled his two daughters and granddaughter, which shows the extent to which family values have degenerated in the country. The suspect, Sylvester Ehijere, 48, was said to have had carnal knowledge of his first daughter, Favour, when she was 17 years old. A native of Ohuode, Edo State, Ehijere also molested his seven-year-old daughter, Chidinma, and his 15-month old granddaughter, Treaga. The seven-year-old girl told the police that her father had s*x with her on several occasions and had promised to buy her gifts but never did.

“Whenever my mum is not at home, he grabs me, forces his hand over my mouth and then inserts his penis into my private part. He promised to buy me a car, cake and biscuit, but he did not buy anything for me. He also threatens to use a knife to gouge out my eyes anytime I threaten to tell my mother,” she told the police.

The wife, Mrs. Margaret Ehijere, also made startling revelations, saying they have four children- two males and two females – and the husband has had carnal knowledge of her daughters including the infant grand-daughter.

She said, “I am a caterer. In 2006, I went to Abuja where I spent five days. But at about 1am, my first daughter, who was 17 years old at the time, called on the phone crying that she was molested by her father. Because my oldest daughter is working, we decided to put her baby at a daycare in Ejigbo. I have always been the one bringing her back every day. But on that particular day, my husband went to the daycare and after an altercation with the teacher, took the baby home. When I got home, the baby was crying uncontrollably and I wondered what was wrong. When I finally took off her diapers, I noticed she was bleeding in her private part. When I raised alarm, my husband was unnerved. That was when I suspected him. I rushed down to the Ejigbo Police Station and reported the matter.”

While the bubble is yet to settle on Ehijere’s saga, another 58-year-old man from Agbura, Yenagoa Local Government in Bayelsa State was recently arrested by the police for allegedly impregnating his two daughters and attempting to molest the third. One of his daughters was said to have been pregnant for him twice but lost them during labour. The second daughter had to relocate from the community out of shame. The 14-year-old daughter who is a student of the Community Secondary School, Agbura, was said to have revealed her father’s se**al escapades to the school counsellor. The counsellor who is her class teacher, subsequently reported the matter to the Special Adviser to the Governor on Women Affairs, Mrs. Pulu Zifawei, who called in the police.

In March, a 10-year-old girl disclosed how her step-father, Alabi Ibrahim, 62, had been sleeping with her in their residence at Opara Estate, Aiyetoro Road, Abeokuta. The man was said to have indulged in the act on countless occasions and threatened to kill her if she told anyone. But the girl told her siblings what had been going on between them. The latter told their mother, Mrs. Adiat Ibrahim, who then reported the matter to the police. The suspect fled when the police came after him.

Similarly, in 2010, Philip Ben, 40, from Akwa Ibom State impregnated his 12-yearold daughter, confessing that he was tempted by the ‘seductive’ dress she was putting on. But the daughter countered that her father drugged and molested her. She told the police that her father had been having s*x with her for two years at their Yaba, Lagos residence. While making a confession at the Criminal Investigations Department CID, at Panti, Yaba, Lagos, Ben said: “One day, I came back from work and met my daughter naked. As I was admiring her, I could not control myself anymore. I started caressing her, and she did not resist, so we had s*x.”

The girl also told the police that her father divorced her mother and married another woman who died later after giving birth to twins. “I was staying in the village before my father came and picked me at the age of seven to take care of the twins. It was when I came and started staying with him that he began being intimate with me,” she added.

Groups campaigning against child sexual abuse in Nigeria

Many people who spoke with National Mirror on the rising incident of incest in Nigeria were very forthright.

A bus driver, Mr. Francis Ojo, said: “Such incidents are as result of frustration. It is the reason why some men no longer sleep with their wives but with their daughters. Also, some daughters are not biological children of their supposed fathers. Some children are the products of adultery, and naturally, the affection from their fathers are lacking. People no longer respect the marriage institution any longer. For a father to sleep with his daughter is abominable. Such a man is cursed.”

A teacher at Ikorodu, Lagos, Mr. Vincent Egudah, said, “Do we have Child Rights in this country? Daily we are bombarded with molestation cases and the government does nothing about them. Men molest their daughters and mothers are afraid to speak out because of cultural and religious inhibitions. Most of them say they want to protect their marriage. Which marriage do you protect, when your husband is sleeping with your daughter? The law is clear on such offence but we hardly hear of anyone being jailed for committing such heinous crime. Until our judges begin to jail offenders, the crime will not stop.”

For Mrs. Yemisi Balogun, a retailer at Ketu, Lagos, such abominable act has become a regular occurrence in the society.
“It is sad that we are now witnessing a similar thing that happened in Sodom and Gomorrah. Any man who sleeps with his daughters is an animal. In my community it is taboo, and anyone caught would be publicly disgraced by making him walk round the village naked. After, he will be required to appease the gods. If he resists, he will be excommunicated. However, I advise mothers to always monitor the activities of their daughters. Some mothers are so busy running after money that they don’t have time for their children. Some are either ashamed or afraid to report their husbands or sons. Until mothers begin to speak out, the evil will continue to live with us,” Balogun said.

On the legal implication of the abuse, Principal Partner, Abiye Tam-George & Co., and Child Protection/Parenting Skills expert, Mrs. Abiye Tam-George, explained that when a child is se**ally abused, that child may likely suffer from emotional and physical trauma, thereby compounding the legal consequences of se**ally abusing a child.

She said: “Cases of fathers abusing their children have become very worrisome, as more cases are reported every day. The reason is that fathers are hardly convicted of these abuses. The legal implications are very explicit as provided for in the Child Rights Act of 2003. Section 31 subsections (1) provides that ‘No person shall have intercourse with a child’ and section 31 subsection (2) declares that ‘A person who contravenes the provision of subsection (1) of this section commits an offence of molestation and is liable on conviction to imprisonment for life. Fathers who are guilty of molesting their children as clearly stated by the Child Rights Act of 2003 may be committed to life imprisonment.”

A counsellor on child se**al abuse and Founder/ Executive Director, Christianah Fate Foundation, Mrs. Christianah Akindolie, said during the group’s campaign in April at Eti- Osa Local Governement Area of Lagos State, a middle aged man asked why they were always campaigning against child se**al abuse. “He actually said, he does not see anything wrong in sleeping with a child, after all, it is a ‘way of refreshing a man’s blood,” Akindolie said.

Advising against child se**al abuse, she said, “If a child is se**ally abused, he or she should talk about it to a trusted adult who is ready to help. They should not keep quiet because the abuser must have threatened them. It is just a threat, they should not be afraid. Children should not allow anyone touch their private parts. They have a right to refuse, especially for the girls. They have a right to refuse a hug, even from an uncle. I tell children: 'You have private part, you have public part. Private parts should not be touched.' When we empower our children with those words, it is going to help them. In this society, people do not know child’s se**al abuse is everybody’s concern. As it affects a child, it is going to affect the next because children are influenced by their peers. Research has shown that a se**ally abused child will abuse others. It is a chain reaction. A child who is se**ally abused could abuse 10 others.”

A psychiatrist at the Federal Neuro-Psychiatric Hospital, Yaba, Lagos, Dr. Adebusola Adekoya, explained that people abusing children is one of several sides of disorders associated with se**al preferences.

“They are called pedophiles, that is, people with a s**ual preference for children not of legal age. They take undue advantage of them. Like any other illness, it is an abnormal se**al preference. You can’t say there is a particular cause. Pedophilia is just one of several others. There are at least eight other abnormal s**ual preferences. In psychiatry, we talk of multiple causes; that is multi-factorial. It could be a problem with the person’s system; the society or environment. Until we see the person and interview him, we cannot safely hazard the cause. The cause for one person could be different from another. So we can’t say there is a general cause for it. Some people could have been abused when they were young. When they grew up as adults they do similar things to other children,” he explained.

Adekoya stated that one of the consequences of child abuse is that the child could grow up to be a child abuser, even as she stressed that the child may also develop behavioural problems.

“The child could have a personality problem. A lot of things could happen to the child. The child might not be able to cope in school due to trauma. Some experience it and might not have anyone to confide in. They either manifest as a child or as adults. As a child, they are withdrawn, and won’t play like others. Some become over-exposed; that is when you see a five-year- old being over-friendly with people; people then will say she is too loose. When s**ually abused children grow up, they develop personality disorders and finding it difficult to stay in a relationship. They have low self-esteem of themselves and could be tempted to commit suicide since they won’t see themselves as worthy of anything.”

She, however, disclosed that there is treatment for both the abused and abuser. “Ideally the treatment will involve the entire family because something could have happened between the husband and wife which caused the man to sleep with his daughter. Anything to do with children must involve the entire family. There are different psychological treatments. Unfortunately, most people do not recognise it as a problem that is treatable. In this environment, everything is termed an abomination,” she said.

Source: nationalmirroronline.net

"It is like it is a normal thing for women to be treated by their husbands as punching bags. "The Nigerian man thinks that a woman is his inferior. Right from childhood, right from infancy, the boy is preferred to the girl. Even when they marry out of love, they still think the woman is below them and they do whatever they want." -Obong Rita Akpan, former Nigerian minister for women's affairs

Domestic Violence On The Rise In Nigeria
BY Patience Akosile, Phd., Michael Nnandi, Phd., and Dr. Tony Antai, Ob/Gyn

Domestic violence in Nigeria is a problem as in many parts of Africa. There is a deep cultural belief in Nigeria that it is socially acceptable to hit a woman to discipline a spouse. Domestic violence is widespread and shows no signs of lessening in Nigeria. The CLEEN Foundation (Centre for Law Enforcement Education) reports 1 in every 3 respondents admitting to being a victim of domestic violence. The survey also found a nationwide increase in domestic violence in the past 3 years from 21% in 2011 to 30% in 2013.

Domestic violence takes many forms including physical, se**al, emotional, and mental. Traditionally, domestic violence is committed against females. Common forms of violence against women in Nigeria are rape, acid attacks, molestation, wife beating, and corporal punishment. The Nigerian government has taken legal proceeding to prosecute men who abuse their women in several states. There is currently a push in Nigeria for federal laws concerning domestic violence and for a stronger national response and support for domestic violence issues.

*Physical Violence

Women often face physical violence at the hands of their family members. The most common forms of physical violence include r**e, murder, slapping, and kicking. Some of the reasons that were given for physical abuse include their husbands being drunk, financial issues, and the rejection of a partner’s se**al advances. Relationship inequality is also a strong indicator of physical violence. High levels of wife beating occur when the woman is making more money than her husband or partner is. This has been attributed to the lack of control the male partner feels within the relationship. Women also often link the perpetration of physical violence with husbands who are very controlling. Women who justify wife beating are more likely to be victims of physical violence.

Another form of violence which has received a lot of recent attention in Nigeria is acid baths. Acid baths are actions of violence where the perpetrator throws acid onto his or her victim’s body, resulting in disfigurement and possible loss of eyesight. Acid baths are a large issue for women. In 1990, a former beauty queen rejected her boyfriend's attempts to rekindle their relationship. In retaliation, he threw acid in her face with the words "let me see how any man will love you now".

*Se**al Violence

Se**al violence in Nigeria largely goes unreported because of the burden of proof necessary for conviction as well as the social stigma it brings. Nigerian police have not been seen to arrest for se**al assault resulting in less reporting of the act. About 25% of women reported forced s*x at the hands of either their current partner or a former partner.

*Factors Influencing Domestic Violence

The social context of violence in Nigeria is based largely on its patriarchal society. Violence against a wife is seen as a tool that a husband uses to chastise his wife and to improve her. The common loss of women’s rights upon marriage in Sub-Saharan Africa and the implicit obedience and deference towards men is socially encouraged within their society.

The Yoruba women refer to their husbands as “olowo ori mi” meaning he who owns me. In effect, marriage gives up a woman's right to herself. In practices where a bride price is paid, it is common for the husband to believe that by paying the bride price, he now owns his wife. The act of marriage is seen to give the husband full ownership of the woman. She surrenders her right to her body to him as well as her agency.

Other factors linked with domestic violence are lower socioeconomic classes, substance abuse, couple age disparity, and unemployment.
Another cause of domestic violence is infertility. When looking at a study taken by infertile women visiting a fertility clinic, many women reported some form of domestic violence- whether physical, mental, or emotional. There were also trends showing that Yoruba women were more likely to experience violence in this case.

*Perceptions Of Domestic Violence

The perceptions of domestic violence vary based on region, religion, and class. For example, the Tiv view wife beating as a “sign of love” that should be encouraged as evidenced with the statement “If you are not yet beaten by your husband then you do not know the joy of marriage and that means you are not yet married”.

All the major ethnic groups in Nigeria- Yoruba, Igbo, and Hausa- have strong patriarchal societal structures that lead to the justification of domestic violence. However, the Hausa are more supportive of domestic violence and viewing it as an inherent right of a husband.

There are differences in the perceptions of domestic violence varying across reasons. There are higher numbers for instances like neglecting the children or going out without telling the husband and less for refusal of sex or a mere argument. Many of the reasons that are viewed as acceptable for domestic violence are largely subjective to a husband's interpretation. For example, common acceptable beatings among men are lack of respect for husband, stubbornness, imposition of will on husband, and failure of wifely duties.

The 2008 NDHS did a study to view the acceptability of wife beating in Nigeria. They put forward five scenarios and asked both men and women. With women, there were trends found in viewing wife beating as more acceptable. It was viewed as more acceptable in rural areas, among married versus unmarried women, uneducated women, and poor women. The reason most viewed as justified for beating was going out without telling the husband. The relationships were about the same for men.

*Responses To Domestic Violence

Women experiencing domestic violence have varying responses and differences in who they report their abuse to. In a study done in Ilorin, Nigeria, a large number of women reported their abuse to family and friends while not many decided to go to the police to file a report. The rationale behind not going to the police is various such as the fear of victim-blaming, acceptance of violence as proper reaction, and the lack of police action.

One major issue facing the domestic violence issues in Nigeria are the tendency for low reported rates. A study looking at domestic violence in southwest Nigeria found that only 18.6% reported experienced or acted violence between themselves and their spouse. However, the same study also shows that 60% of the respondents claimed to have witnessed violence between a separate couple. These statistics show that there may be a tendency for under-reporting which can occur for various reasons.

One main reason for the high levels of under-reporting are that it is seen as taboo to involve the police in family matters. They view the separation of the two as important and the police force ascribes to this notion as well. Police hesitate to intervene even with lodged complaints unless the abuse goes over the customary amount usually seen in the region.

*Experience Of Pregnant Women

Pregnant women experience high levels of domestic violence in Nigeria. They are subject to violence not only from their spouses, but also from their in-laws. In a study, they found that the most common type of domestic violence was to be physically assaulted and then, also be victims of forced se**al intercourse.

A study in the nation’s capital, Abuja, carried out over a course of 3 months in 2005 showed physical, se**al, and psychological abuse among pregnant women. One third of the female respondents reported experiencing domestic violence. They found psychological abuse to be the highest type of abuse followed by physical and then sexual. Women who experienced psychological abuse also experienced physical abuse. In terms of the physical abuse, about 20% of the women required medical treatment due to the abuse and the most frequent medical complication reported was premature labor.

Overall, the trends of domestic violence against pregnant women permeate across different ethnic groups and Nigerian states. The trends are consistent with other parts of Africa and the attitudes towards violence against pregnant women are in conjunction with the aforementioned trend viewing domestic violence as permissible under certain circumstances.

*Experience Of HIV Positive Women

In Nigeria, there is a correlation between being HIV positive and domestic violence. Women who are diagnosed with HIV are at high risk for intimate partner violence. With HIV, there is also a tendency to stay in abusive relationships.

In a study of 652 HIV positive pregnant women in Lagos, 429 women reported being the victims of violence. Of those reporting violence, 74% of the respondents said the abuse occurred after the disclosure of her HIV status. Women reported verbal abuse, threat of physical violence, and se**al deprivation once they disclosed their HIV positive status. Psychological abuse was the most commonly reported version of received violence.

Predictors of violence were women’s age, marital status, disclosure and partner’s educational status. The highest levels of IPV among HIV positive were found in the age group 25–33 years old. Among the husbands, the highest levels came from those with an educational attainment of secondary school. More of than not, they were in a polygamous marriage.

Women who are victims of domestic violence are also at a higher risk of contracting HIV through various mechanisms. It becomes more difficult for them to adopt safe s*x practices especially in the case of se**al abuse and forced se**al acts. The trauma of the domestic violence also ends up impacting later se**al behaviors.

*Laws On Domestic Violence

While domestic violence is a violation of fundamental human rights, which the Nigerian Constitution is against, there are still provisions that make it legal to engage in domestic violence against women. The provision of the Penal Code applicable in the Northern part of Nigeria specifically encourages violence against women. Underneath its provisions, the beating of a wife for the purpose of correction is legal (Section 55 (1) (d) of the Penal Code).

Nigeria ratified the convention for the Elimination of Discrimination against Women in 1985 but international treaties can only go into effect when Parliament has put in a corresponding domestic law thereby limiting the international treaty to disuse. Rape is criminalized and under the law, the sentence can range from 10 years to life. There are also fines of about $1,280.

Amnesty International criticized Nigeria's judicial system due to its conviction rate of 10 percent of rape prosecutions. In an attempt to battle the issue of police discretion and inactivity, Lagos held a two-day sensitization workshop on Domestic Violence law as it applied in the state.

In 2013, Nigeria passed a federal law to reduce gender- based violence. The Violence against Persons Bill gave harsher punishments for se**al violence and also provided support and measures such as restraining orders to prevent the continuation of abuse.

When cases do make it to court, they are usually stagnant. In 2010, the traditional king of Akure physically and bloodily assaulted one of his wives resulting in her death. At the urging of the public, the police made a statement that they would press charges. The case was dismissed in 2012.

*Organizations For Domestic Violence

Nigeria has some non profit organizations and non governmental organizations that attempt to provide support for victims of domestic violence.
The Women and Child Watch Initiative is a nonprofit providing support to women and children who are victims of domestic trials such as violence and forced marriages. They also organize training programs for female lawyers to defend women's rights in domestic violence in court.

References:
thisdaylive.com
Project Alert: The Women and Child Watch Initiative
Amnesty International Conference on Domestic Violence (Supplement - Winter 2013-Spring 2014)

Is foreign aid (humanitarian, developmental, etc.) helping or hindering African development?

Does it encourage dependency and corruption, or are people truly benefiting from a helping hand?

What would happen, if one by one, African governments would get a phone call from the donor countries saying: "We're phasing out your developmental aid over the next five years."'

lokito: Why fight when world population is 7,654,567,678

Who knows? But we do...even over the unfaithful ones and the bad one ones.

BY "Jules"

It is no longer news that the singular or most important ambition of most Nigerian girls is to "grow up and marry". Often times, girls who remain single after their 20's are looked down on and treated as lesser humans. Some Nigerian churches have now taken to exploiting single ladies.

According to the Linda Ikeji Blog, the pastor of a branch of Winners Chapel in Enugu during a church service asked all the single women to wear wedding dresses to church if they want to get married this year.

The following week, single women stormed the church service in wedding dresses. Some bridal houses came to church that day and rented wedding dresses to women who couldn't get one before then. Fully clad in wedding dresses, the women were asked to sit in front and receive special prayers with seed sowing involved.

Nairaland also did a report on a church in Onitsha, Anambra state where single ladies flock to on Friday night for weekly prayers to hook-up young men. The church which is known as known as Canaan Land Deliverance Church a.k.a Land of Miracles demands that the single girls seeking marriage take their clothes off in an open church so that they can break marriage curses.

The single ladies are also compelled to pay a consultation fee of N50,000 before participation in the church rituals and a miracle fee of N200,000 and above depending on the caliber of husband the woman hopes to attract. Payments can be made at once or in installments, ladies who pay in in installments are forced to take oath with the pastor using their menstrual blood which the pastor will collect & keep. If the individual refuses to pay, she will be visited with barrenness or instant death.

During the service, the Pastor anoints the foreheads & private parts of the single ladies proclaiming that any man who comes in contact with them that the Olive oil will stick to them and marry them.

Source: nigerianbulletin.com

BY itsdelta

The reason SOME women fight over men is simple – lack.

To many women, a single man can represent a roof over their head, food in their belly, clothes on their back and most importantly – a pride in their bearing.

And quite frankly, I don’t know of many people who wouldn’t fight to protect an “investment” that guarantees them most of life’s basic necessities.

I know that I would fight anyone who tried to take my shelter away, grab my food from me and snatch the sweet out of my mouth.

I would fight anyone who made the mistake of trying to leave me nude by pulling the clothes off my back or even worse, expose me to public ridicule by making me an object of pity.

I would fight any one.

The problem though is not that we want to fight for these things or indeed that we desire to have and keep them.

The problem is that not many of us (women) exert ourselves to pursuing these things for our benefit. Why? Because we have been raised in a society where having a man equates to having all of the above – shelter, food, clothing and “respectability”.

So women fight other women because they fear to remain homeless, hungry, naked and ‘ashamed’. Sometimes wedding rings are the only things that stand between a woman and poverty.

I know many women who fight to have shelter, to have food, to have clothing by working damn hard to earn those things and whose sense of purpose gives them all the dignity they require – these are the empowered women; clawing their way to the top; understanding that they can succeed on their own.

I know many women; and I am one of them, who don’t summarize other human beings (read men) into shelter, food, clothes and status.
I find it irksome when women who have the potential to accomplish whatever they want in life opt to take a “short cut” by just getting a man to provide all the things they need and because they have chosen this dependency they make themselves vulnerable to abuse from their benefactor (read man).

Not only that, they find themselves obsessed with chasing off other women who will have had the same idea as they did, which is, “Let me find a man to take care of me.”

It seems clever, especially to the young 24 year old involved with a married older man. She gets what she wants faster and easier than her age-mates who may make the sensible choice of just working hard and slowly attaining the things they wish to have - but at what cost?

I don’t pretend to know it all but, what I am certain of is that, there is nothing for free in this life – one way or the other – people pay for what they have; through sweat or tears. The choice is yours. One way or the other - life will demand that you foot the bill.

Many women prefer to pay through tears; they prefer life’s billing system to charge them through tears of pain, suffering, abuse, rejection and misery as long as they get to drive around in flashy cars they don’t own, live in houses on whose title deeds their names don’t appear; eat food their money didn’t pay for and wear clothes they didn’t lose a cent to buy.

But men are raised differently; they are raised to expect life’s billing system to charge them in the currency called sweat; they sweat to work, to achieve because they have been told that they have to expect to “keep” someone else, to provide a shelter, food, clothing and ‘protection’ to a woman – they can even marry her so that in return she’ll wash, cook, clean and have babies.

Seems like a reasonable arrangement, right?

Well I don’t think so, I think it is unfair to expect another adult who happens to be male to carry the weight of responsibility for another adult who happens to be female, by giving him the sole obligation to sweat all life-long, while the role of the woman could just be to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Some women are raised to believe they can sell themselves to the highest bidder! It seems to be such a parasitic arrangement to me.

One way or the other, we’re gonna pay – women need to start deciding whether they want to keep settling life’s bills through tears because, as long as the culture of looking for a man to “take care” of you remains, violence against women will remain a vicious cycle.

This level of one-sided dependence is unhealthy, parasitic and creates a fertile environment for women to be abused and to resort to violence when they feel their relationships are being threatened by other women.

So women fight over men because it is matter of survival for them; it is a matter of lack, of defending a relationship that guarantees the basics they desperately need – shelter, food, clothing (and because of society’s skewed patriarchal thinking) some semblance of human dignity.

I know of some men who abuse women and tell them “you’re nothing without me” – the sad reality is; many women truly HAVE nothing unless a man grants it to them.

Parting shot: Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free our minds (Marcus Garvey)

Teenagers and youth are not the only ones being bullied in cyberspace. Unfortunately, adults are victims of this behavior as well.

*What is Cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying is the use of digital technology to harass, threaten or embarrass another. Cyberbullies use information technology including; e-mail, instant messages, text messaging, chat rooms, social media, forums, and other technology interfacing to deliberately hurt, taunt, ridicule, threaten or intimidate someone. Social media enables bully behaviors because the Internet provides the perfect atmosphere for cyberbullies to gain gratification from the distress of others due to provoking and tormenting.

According to the American Counseling Association 40% of cyberbullies engage in online aggression just for fun.

*Who are Adult Cyberbullies?

Unlike traditional bullies, cyberbullies have anonymity. Being masked behind a computer screen or online account enables some attention seeking adults a false sense of authority and righteousness. Most adult cyberbullies gain some sort of gratification from seeing others distraught, hurt and responding to their accusations. More than anything else they want attention. It doesn't matter what type of attention they get, positive or negative, as long as they can provoke someone into paying them attention.

According to bullyonline.com, cyberbullies are:

⦁Arrogant
⦁Emotionally immature
⦁Shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words but there's no substance
⦁Escape accountability
⦁Aggressive
⦁Highly manipulative
⦁Vindictive
⦁Possess a superior sense of entitlement
⦁Dysfunctional
⦁Mean-spirited
⦁Deeply prejudicial
⦁Incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
⦁Not your friend
⦁Incapable of being specific and never give straight answers
⦁Cowards
⦁Quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account

The goal of a cyberbully is to gain power, control, and create chaos.

*Consequences of Cyberbullying

Victims of cyberbullying experience:
⦁Low self-esteem
⦁Depression
⦁Isolation
⦁Anger
⦁Violence
⦁Suicide
⦁Hostility

*How to Stop Cyberbullying Tips

1. Minimize your response - if you can minimize your responses or do not respond at all, you will not encourage the bully. The more you try to explain the more gratification they obtain. Your increasingly desperate attempts to clarify yourself and communicate with with a bully is exactly what they want.

2. You do not need the last word - bullies like to have the last word. You can go back and forth trying to clear up your name over and over again. However, conversing with a bully keeps the bully engaged with you and what you are saying. Bullies, most often, need to have the last word. Say your peace concisely, and leave it be.

3. Block the person - you can block incoming messages from bullies on your phone or other social media by using their phone number, username, e-mail address or IP.

4. Deactivate - if necessary temporarily deactivate your phone number, email, social media profiles to stop the bullying. You can recreate a new number, email and social media account and be selective of who you share your information with.

5. Document - take a screen shot of the bullying, keep records of emails, text messages and the like.

6. Report - the bullying to the server provider or the administrators. Cyberbullying is not tolerated on most websites and messaging services.

Cyberbullying is also illegal in some U.S. states.

*How to Deal with Cyberbullying

1. Know cyberbullies engagement in this behavior with you, has very little or nothing to do with you and everything to do with their issues.

2. Understand that it is not possible to communicate in a mature adult manner with a distorted individual who is a cyberbully.

3. Do not believe the cyberbully. Their view of you is not correct and reflects them, not you.

4. Close your computer and do something else for a while- make art, drink herbal tea, take a walk and enjoy yourself.

5. Take action. Empower yourself and take action by blocking and reporting the bully.

6. Call a close friend. Let a good friend remind you how awesome you really are.

*Cyberbullying vs. Cyberstalking

The practice of cyberbullying is not limited to children and, while the behavior is identified by the same definition when practiced by adults, the distinction in age groups sometimes refers to the abuse as cyberstalking or when perpetrated by adults toward adults. Common tactics used by cyberstalkers are performed in public forums, social media or online information sites and are intended to threaten a victim's earnings, employment, reputation, or safety. Behaviors may include encouraging others to harass the victim and trying to affect a victim's online participation. Many cyberstalkers try to damage the reputation of their victim and turn other people against them.

Cyberstalking may include false accusations, monitoring, making threats, identity theft, damage to data or equipment, the solicitation of minors for sex, or gathering information in order to harass. A repeated pattern of such actions and harassment against a target by an adult constitutes cyberstalking. Cyberstalking often features linked patterns of online and offline behavior. There are consequences of law in offline stalking and online stalking, and cyber-stalkers can be put in jail. Cyberstalking is a form of cyberbullying.

*The Golden Rule

"If you can't say something nice... Don't say nothing at all."

We all can be part of the solution to cyberbullying. First and foremost watch out for each other. Do not engage in any form of verbally attack. If you have an argument or a disagreement with someone online do it in a manner with respect and dignity. If you see someone being a victim of cyberbullying, do something.

Here are some things you can do when you see someone else being cyberbullied:

1. At the very least, post something positive for the person. Although, most people will ruminate about the negative comments, having at least someone say something positive helps balance out the negative.

2. Tell the person they are being cyberbullied. Some people are not aware what is cyberbullying and they are a victim of it, especially adults. Once they know what it is, they can begin to take the necessary steps to protect themselves.

3. Be a friend. Sometimes the person being cyberbullied just needs a friend. Someone to remind them they are not what the cyberbullied posted.

4. Inform. Inform the person being cyberbullied they have rights. If they are being cyberbullied on a forum, social media or online writing groups, like Hubpages there are usually standards stating this type of behavior is not tolerated. Let the victim know of their rights and help them to take the steps to block the cyberbully and notify the administrators.

Over here...

We use quotation marks around a word or phrase that we see as slang or jargon:

Ex. The police were called to a "disturbance" - which in reality was a pretty big fight.

We also use quotation marks around a word or phrase that we want to make "special" in some way:

⦁Note that sometimes we use "italics" instead of quotation marks.

Emasculate, in this case, means emotional/mental castration - verbal abuse.

I enclosed "Emasculate" in quotation marks, because it is one of those special words used to describe the process of demeaning and belittling men.

Just like verbal abuse, from a man can destroy a woman's confidence - same goes for women who verbally abuse men, thereby, destroying their confidence.

njokusboy: . Always complaining about men is not truthtelling, its an obsession, it invariably points to a fault in you rather than in the men you always complain about.... Your criticisms are not aimed at bad men, they are usually one sided, myopic postulations... Nd I squint because I am unsure of your intentions here.... Thanks...

There are only TWO sides to a MAN COIN - good side - bad side - same for WOMAN COIN.

The only ones standing on their hind legs howling bloody murder are usually those who can't handle the truth about themselves (past or present) or those they know who are dirty birds. Why do SOME men start foaming at the mouth, at the very mention of the less than gentlemanly behavior exhibited by SOME of their fellow brothers, especially online? Very weird.

Ask yourself: Do good men call women nasty, degrading names, label them as liars, cast aspersions on their parents and heritage, insult their intelligence, aim vulgar remarks at them, talk under their dresses, call them lesbians, crazy, nutcase and everything in between - without knowing them from Eve? How many men hurling insults and invectives at women online would have the guts to bring that nonsense to them offline?

How many women do you know will jump to the defense of a sorry, trifling skank of a woman? She is who she is - true to her nature - and every woman knows her name.

The only intentions you should worry about are your own - whatever they are.

So please direct your squint elsewhere.

Go ride someone else's hindquarters!

What's good for the gander is good for the goose.

Nigerian Shares Wife With American For Green Card
By Agaptus Anaele, Maryland, USA

This may sound like a fairy tale, but it is real. A Nigerian couple that migrated to God's own country, in search of greener pastures resorted to a pseudo-marriage to secure a green card, believed to be a 'ticket to heaven.'

First, the man introduced his Nigerian wife to his American wife as his sister. When the marriage to the American wife crashed, his Nigerian wife married an American man to secure the 'life ticket'. So how did it fail? An attempt by a friend to sleep with his pseudo-sister (Nigerian wife) foiled the deal. His 'oyibo' wife realized she was a guinea pig and quit the marriage.

At an end of the year party, one December, here in Silver Spring, Maryland, Nigerians exchanged stories about the travails of their fellow countrymen, in a bid to get the coveted green card.

Mr. "A" was asked: "Can a man allow his wife to marry another man, in exchange for a U.S. green card or disguise a woman as his sister, while living under the same roof with his 'paper wife', to enable him get a green card?"

'Oh yes!' Mr. "KK", a Nigerian, responded at the event, adding: "We know some people here who have married and divorced up to 18 times," he jocularly remarked. "In fact, there are some people here that allowed their wives to marry other men to get papers,'" said Mr. "KK".

According to Mr. "KK", the craze for a green card defies the sanctity of the biblical injunction that 'what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.'

To validate his point, he painted a gloomy picture. "One of our brothers who lived in the U.S. for almost 30 years was deported, after he convinced his Nigerian wife to marry another man to get papers."

The man in his early 50's, identified as Johnson, from the South Eastern part of Nigeria, may have to live with the psychological torture of what he suffered for the rest of his life. After almost 30 years of sojourn in the U.S., he was deported as an illegal alien.

How did it happen? He had gone to the Immigration Office for the green card interview, after several failed marriages. After the interview, he was asked to go join his American wife in the waiting area. As he stepped to the door, the immigration officer ordered him back and instructed him to look at the volume of the file about him on the table. When Johnson opened the file, he discovered that he had been advised to report for voluntary departure, which he failed to do and was placed on deportation status, for violation of the order.

Johnson's case was a bitter pill for the couple. He arrived in the U.S. with his wife from Nigeria, but the couple co-habited as brother and sister under the same roof, to accommodate the man's American wife whom he married to secure papers. He hoped that once it was successful, he would file for a divorce and remarry his real (Nigerian) wife. The union lasted, until the Johnson's friend attempted to date his wife. Johnson's resistance incurred his friend's wrath and the latter spilled the beans by reporting him to the American wife. The bubble burst, Johnson and his American wife parted ways, and the green card could not be secured.

Having exhausted this option, the alternative was for the his Nigerian wife to marry an American man, so as to obtain papers. Since Johnson and his wife were now at the mercy of the American husband, his wife appeased her new American husband with material and human needs, in a bid to get papers. Interestingly, after several years of savouring Johnson's wife and milking her of her hard-earned dollars, as fees for his services, the American hubby didn't show up on the interview date, leaving the woman in the cold, at the Immigration and Citizenship Service who then concluded that the marriage was contracted for immigration purposes.

But that would not deter Johnson and his wife. With the couple's fate hanging in the balance, the wife filed for a divorce from her pseudo-American husband and re-married another. This time, the process was thorough but short-lived. The snag was that having secured her green card, when she attempted to file for Johnson, her real husband, it landed them in trouble, resulting in the deportation of Johnson by immigration officials. Efforts by his town union and lawyers to rescue him were unsuccessful.

The joke that led to the revelation was initially intended to lighten the mood at the dinner party. However, it stirred various reactions from the audience and offered an insight into the trauma many Nigerians experience abroad. For many, it evoked feelings of anguish, nightmares, depression, and helplessness that characterized their daily lives, as they struggled to secure the 'the green card', perceived as 'the life card' in the United States of America. For some, the joke was reminiscent of the murky waters they swam to acquire the green card, widely believed to be the 'ticket to heaven'.

Shortly after the discussion settled down, Mr. "KK", in his early 50's, who is a cabdriver in a popular state in the U.S. related his own gory tale.
"My brother, I have lived in more than five states. I first lived in New York almost 30 years ago. When I arrived in the U.S., I married a lady but that didn't work out, and because of the fear that she might report my illegal status to immigration, I moved to Tennessee. Again in Tennessee, I remarried another lady. That marriage also crashed."

According to Mr. "KK", the failure of the second marriage worsened his problem.

How? "After the necessary protocol by our attorney, my American wife and I were called in for the green card interview by immigration. On the appointment day, I was full of joy, hoping for the ticket for a better opportunity to access educational grants that would transform my life."

Unfortunately, Mr. "KK"'s dream never materialized. He was denied the green card. Worse still, he was requested to report for voluntarily deportation on a fixed date. The voluntary deportation warrant by the immigration sent jitters into his spine, having left Nigeria eight years then.
"I relocated to Missouri, with cab driving as the only option of surviving, since I could not get work permit for employment", he further disclosed.

Almost 30 years down the line, Mr. "KK" has yet to visit home, because that would amount to his voluntary departure. To persuade him to visit Nigeria, his brothers even sent a letter, purporting that his father had passed on, but that would not bring Mr. "KK" home. Now in his early 50's, Mr. "KK" still has no wife or child. But, he believes it shall get better someday.

Source: Voice Of America/Voice Of Nigeria (Spring/Summer Supplement - 2014)

njokusboy: Bwahahahahahahaahahaha, what did you eat zboyd?? Were u asked to repent from ur sins and quit the man hate so u can go to heaven Anyway, I look at ur post with a squint...

First, you no read well.

Second, pointing out men behaving badly is not man-hating - it's truth-telling.

Third, why would any good man object to criticisms aimed at bad men?

Fourth, squinting is just a step up from eyes closed.

Fifth, thanks for your opinion - it's well noted!

What irritates the heck out of you? What makes you see red? What makes you want to reach out and "touch" somebody? Get it off your chest!