I met this girl last year September at a cousin’s wedding reception and we exchanged contacts.
We had a first date and I discovered that she is a banker and she discovered (to her disappointment) that I am a School teacher. She said she likes my personality but doesn’t like my job.

Honestly, I have been looking for a better job but U know Naija now. E no easy.
Somehow, we pulled along but no much intimacy as we only meet on weekends and maybe like once a month or so.

Anytime she comes around, she tells me stories of her colleagues, suitors etc etc and of course every one of them has a car and is richer than myself. She pings and answers phone calls of pple I suspect to be her toasters or so, she was just in control. I just played cool. She never asked me for anything and I never asked her too.

Last March, she lost her job. So, she became more available at my place. Last month, she started asking me to define our relationship, my plans for her and future, etc. But, somehow I discovered what I believe is the problem: Her elder bros she’s been staying with will be relocating to east by October when his rent expires.

My girl say she CANNOT leave lagos. With the kind of family she’s from, she won’t be allowed to rent an apartment here especially as she’s got no job.

So, she wants me to marry her before then, she says if money is my problem, that she’ll support me with 350K from her savings. She even said her bros (who works in the oil rig) can help me get a better job (since I studied Engineering), but, that’ll be after our marriage.

This came as a surprise to me cos I thought she’s the Madam here. Besides, I’ll want to marry when I’m ready and to Mrs right. I know I like her very much, but, Jude (my guy) says I should use my brain and NOT my heart.

Jude says she’s not employable again as she studied Food Science tech and has been in the bank for 4 years and that she needs marriage to secure her life and future. He says she’s turned to a liability and that she doesn’t love me.

Now, What do I do ?? What do I tell her ? Jude can’t be right, is he ?

Listen to Jude your friend.

Not employable, yet she has 4yrs banking experience.......is jude an employer......what did he based his conclusion on

I advice u 2 marry her since u love her this is d opportunity. Pls dn't mind d job of her and dn't listen to d advice of ur friend Jude. If she is God fearing. Then go 4 her. I believe by d grace of God things will work 4 ur good.

Mr. Man! follow ur heart and make ur decision.

Dont base ur judgement solely on wat jude has said. But it will be nice to find out if she truly loves u or just sees u as a solution to her predicament. Watch her more

SPEECHLESS

Op
If u re a bronze digger not gold digger marry her

She started dating u when she had a job abi ? She didn't see you as an opportunist. She liked you even when you have a not too good job. She is not unemployable, she is a graduate and can even get a job in any food company. Her experience is an asset. She is matured enough for marriage. Guy make you marry the girl, I wonder which girl dem born out there with Mrs right boldly written on her fore head. Is your jude married ? Don't mind jude, follow your heart. Marriage is sacrifice; we all get to marry because of one thing or the other,you have been a bachelor since birth, don't be an unrepentant bachelor lol. Godspeed

freeamie: I met this girl last year September at a cousin’s wedding reception and we exchanged contacts.
We had a first date and I discovered that she is a banker and she discovered (to her disappointment) that I am a School teacher. She said she likes my personality but doesn’t like my job.
Honestly, I have been looking for a better job but U know Naija now. E no easy.
Somehow, we pulled along but no much intimacy as we only meet on weekends and maybe like once a month or so. Anytime she comes around, she tells me stories of her colleagues, suitors etc etc and of course every one of them has a car and is richer than myself. She pings and answers phone calls of pple I suspect to be her toasters or so, she was just in control. I just played cool. She never asked me for anything and I never asked her too.
Last March, she lost her job. So, she became more available at my place. Last month, she started asking me to define our relationship, my plans for her and future, etc. But, somehow I discovered what I believe is the problem: Her elder bros she’s been staying with will be relocating to east by October when his rent expires. My girl say she CANNOT leave lagos. With the kind of family she’s from, she won’t be allowed to rent an apartment here especially as she’s got no job. So, she wants me to marry her before then, she says if money is my problem, that she’ll support me with 350K from her savings. She even said her bros (who works in the oil rig) can help me get a better job (since I studied Engineering), but, that’ll be after our marriage.
This came as a surprise to me cos I thought she’s the Madam here. Besides, I’ll want to marry when I’m ready and to Mrs right. I know I like her very much, but, Jude (my guy) says I should use my brain and NOT my heart. Jude says she’s not employable again as she studied Food Science tech and has been in the bank for 4 years and that she needs marriage to secure her life and future. He says she’s turned to a liability and that she doesn’t love me. Now, What do I do ?? What do I tell her ? Jude can’t be right, is he ?

Hmmmm... If I were in your shoes, I would probably marry her if she has no major character flaws. I wouldn't pay attention to Jude's comments in taking my decision.

Rarely respond to threads if I can't relate to the message 100%. As for this, I can relate to it 101%.

I have found out most people than render advice here are not mature enough and only do it for the sake of 'make me sef talk'.

@Poster, your message is a very serious and deep thinking one.

From what I can see (based on your explanation);

* the ex banker friend of yours likes you but never liked your job. That's very understandable. Which woman wouldn't want her man to earn 6 digit figures? It is only normal.

* she lost her job during the downsizing period as as such the fear that she might not get another job for the fear of her kind of course is what is bothering you.

* you assume she wants to marry you to save herself the shame of returning to the East with her family.

Questions I will ask you are;

* while this girl had her banking job was she rude, bossy, and being in control all the time? Because you mentioned something like being 'oga'. If the answer is yes. Then I will let you know she can never change as if she gets a better job or flowing business tomorrow, she will certainly do worse. But if the answer is No! Then I will let you know you just had a complex and felt inferior to her.

* prior to when she discovered her uncle was relocating, has she ever mentioned marriage plans between you both? If the answer is No! Then I suggest you need to tell her to give you more time to prepare yourself first psychologically and financially as the news just came too sudden. And if the answer is Yes! You still need more time though.

* do you love her enough to live with her flaws? If it is yes! Then you can consider her for marriage, if the answer is No! Let he go as partners only get worse in most cases after marriage.

As for her putting you under a condition of her getting you a job after marriage, don't fall for the bait. Let her know you will ONLY marry her when you get a better job. If she can really help get a job, she will put pressure on that her under to get you the Oil and Gas Job as she won't be able to wait.

I see both of you getting to understand yourself better rathan that just rushing to tie the knot due to circumstances.

This does not sound right at all.
If she has a brother that could afford to help you,
Why did she not link you up to him all the while?
Rather,she chose to flaunt her imaginary "affluent"
Lifestyle in your face by picking toaster's calls in
Front of you,pinging,etc.
She's not a humble person at heart and strikes me as
One who see other humans only as a tool to achieve her
Own ends and nothing more.
In everything you said,you didn't mention even one
Quality you like about her,which you would have done
If there was any.
Maybe,you are considering her for the sake of oil job offer!!!!!
BTW,if her rich brother can get a job for someone else,
Why can't he get his own sister a job?!!! Something is
Not right about this greek horse job offer!!!!!!!
Please marry when YOU are ready for it and not because
Someone ELSE is afraid of relocating.
This is one of the (sorry) dumbest reasons I've heard
For wanting to get married!!!! Tomorrow, we'll hear
Of divorce.
Blessed day

I don't care if you marry her or not, but don't marry her because of:
1. Financial support from her.
2. Promise of job by the brother after marriage.
3. Sympathy.

You better not be pinning anything on Jude. Implying that anyone could reach a decision around that trash he told you, just won't fly.
If you want to go all out and sell yourself cheap for money, at least make a conscious effort to recognise that it is only you that can actually do the sell out. That way, when you ineluctably succeed in establishing a set of perceived value for yourself that you won't be able to change, you'll also realize that you have nobody but yourself to blame.

acidtalk: Rarely respond to threads if I can't relate to the message 100%. As for this, I can relate to it 101%.

I have found out most people than render advice here are not mature enough and only do it for the sake of 'make me sef talk'.

@Poster, your message is a very serious and deep thinking one.

From what I can see (based on your explanation);

* the ex banker friend of yours likes you but never liked your job. That's very understandable. Which woman wouldn't want her man to earn 6 digit figures? It is only normal.

* she lost her job during the downsizing period as as such the fear that she might not get another job for the fear of her kind of course is what is bothering you.

* you assume she wants to marry you to save herself the shame of returning to the East with her family.

Questions I will ask you are;

* while this girl had her banking job was she rude, bossy, and being in control all the time? Because you mentioned something like being 'oga'. If the answer is yes. Then I will let you know she can never change as if she gets a better job or flowing business tomorrow, she will certainly do worse. But if the answer is No! Then I will let you know you just had a complex and felt inferior to her.

* prior to when she discovered her uncle was relocating, has she ever mentioned marriage plans between you both? If the answer is No! Then I suggest you need to tell her to give you more time to prepare yourself first psychologically and financially as the news just came too sudden. And if the answer is Yes! You still need more time though.

* do you love her enough to live with her flaws? If it is yes! Then you can consider her for marriage, if the answer is No! Let he go as partners only get worse in most cases after marriage.

As for her putting you under a condition of her getting you a job after marriage, don't fall for the bait. Let her know you will ONLY marry her when you get a better job. If she can really help get a job, she will put pressure on that her under to get you the Oil and Gas Job as she won't be able to wait.

I see both of you getting to understand yourself better rathan that just rushing to tie the knot due to circumstances.

very fair, op respond to those questions nah.

Well to me jude is right.. She doesn't sound genuine

Marriage is a lifelong relationship and only you know if you are ready for this journey. Don't be deceived by what is today cos they might not be there tomorrow.Follow the dictate of your heart and you will not go wrong.

bennyraz: Mr. Man! follow ur heart and make ur decision.

More like follow his pocket

acidtalk: Rarely respond to threads if I can't relate to the message 100%. As for this, I can relate to it 101%.

I have found out most people than render advice here are not mature enough and only do it for the sake of 'make me sef talk'.

@Poster, your message is a very serious and deep thinking one.

From what I can see (based on your explanation);

* the ex banker friend of yours likes you but never liked your job. That's very understandable. Which woman wouldn't want her man to earn 6 digit figures? It is only normal.

* she lost her job during the downsizing period as as such the fear that she might not get another job for the fear of her kind of course is what is bothering you.

* you assume she wants to marry you to save herself the shame of returning to the East with her family.

Questions I will ask you are;

* while this girl had her banking job was she rude, bossy, and being in control all the time? Because you mentioned something like being 'oga'. If the answer is yes. Then I will let you know she can never change as if she gets a better job or flowing business tomorrow, she will certainly do worse. But if the answer is No! Then I will let you know you just had a complex and felt inferior to her.

* prior to when she discovered her uncle was relocating, has she ever mentioned marriage plans between you both? If the answer is No! Then I suggest you need to tell her to give you more time to prepare yourself first psychologically and financially as the news just came too sudden. And if the answer is Yes! You still need more time though.

* do you love her enough to live with her flaws? If it is yes! Then you can consider her for marriage, if the answer is No! Let he go as partners only get worse in most cases after marriage.

As for her putting you under a condition of her getting you a job after marriage, don't fall for the bait. Let her know you will ONLY marry her when you get a better job. If she can really help get a job, she will put pressure on that her under to get you the Oil and Gas Job as she won't be able to wait.

I see both of you getting to understand yourself better rathan that just rushing to tie the knot due to circumstances.

To answer yr questions :
* While she was a banker, she was not rude but always putting herself in control. I call her much more than she calls me. When, I complain, she will say she prefers bb msgr chatting (and I don't have a BB).

* No, she never mentioned marriage to me when she was working.

* Yes, I think I luv her enough for marriage, otherwise I won't be seeking anybody's opinion. But my problem is that I feel she's the wrong one and she doesn't luv me enough for marriage. I want to have a good marriage and NO divorce or unhappiness.
Thanks for your advice.

Rocktation: You better not be pinning anything on Jude. Implying that anyone could reach a decision around that thrash he told you, just won't fly.
If you want to go all out and sell yourself cheap for money, at least make a conscious effort to recognise that it is only you that can actually do the sell out. That way, when you ineluctably succeed in establishing a set of perceived value for yourself that you won't be able to change, you'll also realize that you have nobody but yourself to blame.

I was not and am not interested in her money. Never collected a dime from her and never plans to. She just offered to assist with her money cos she thinks I may not have enough. I AM NOT FOR SALE. It's just that I can't see the future and can't see her heart!!!!!!! So, I need advice.

freeamie:


To answer yr questions :
* While she was a banker, she was not rude but always putting herself in control. I call her much more than she calls me. When, I complain, she will say she prefers bb msgr chatting (and I don't have a BB).

* No, she never mentioned marriage to me when she was working.

* Yes, I think I luv her enough for marriage, otherwise I won't be seeking anybody's opinion. But my problem is that I feel she's the wrong one and she doesn't luv me enough for marriage. I want to have a good marriage and NO divorce or unhappiness.
Thanks for your advice.

What of her character, do you find her sound in that regard?

poster U'v answered ur self. u said u can't see her heart, u can't see future with her.

Minus ur friends opinion....Wetin u want? Must u always double check wit ur friends? Guys sef...

maclatunji:

What of her character, do you find her sound in that regard?

I can't really say much about her character cos I still need more time to study her.
But, so far, I don't have issues with that. I'm very tolerant and choose my words when we're together.
But, generally, I think she's got basic marriageable qualities.

It must be insecurity for one to draw conclusion base on friend said. don't u have a mind of your own?

freeamie:


I can't really say much about her character cos I still need more time to study her.
But, so far, I don't have issues with that. I'm very tolerant and choose my words when we're together.
But, generally, I think she's got basic marriageable qualities.

I think the both of you need a long talk to sort out the issues. No amount of advice on Nairaland can replace that. Express your concerns to her and let her respond. The two of you should be able to agree on a common position.

freeamie:

I was not and am not interested in her money. Never collected a dime from her and never plans to. She just offered to assist with her money cos she thinks I may not have enough. I AM NOT FOR SALE. It's just that I can't see the future and can't see her heart!!!!!!! So, I need advice.

Okay, but saying that wasn't intended to spite though. Well, most of the time, when it comes to life long commitments, we 'just know'. Just knowing is inclusive of time spent contemplating your similarities, differences and how well you fit together. Plus, deciding in your heart that you'll stick with the person, even in the face of trials. So, if you've done all these and you still 'do not know', then...hmmn....
If you haven't done these, then sure, you need time to.

My man, there's a caveat here. I smell desperation somewhere. Besides, the fact that she wasn't cool with your job prior to her dismissal is rather discomfiting. She just no wan return to villa and is looking for someone to hang on to. Maybe it's just me.

"Jude says" . . . "Jude says"

You're a grown a.ss dude! Don't you have a mind of your own? You're taking this bros before hoes thing to a whole new level.

I believe that deep inside you, you know the right thing to do. You're just here to validate what jude says. In your heart is a whole different matter.

1. If you really L♥√ع her

2. If you think you guys would make a good life together

3. If you are ready emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physical.

Then go ahead and marry her.

Women do propose to the guy every Leap Year