Rubber Check
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house."

Hmnn

The stammerer
One day, a man who is a chronic stammerer, was looking for a particular street in lagos and could not find it so he decided to walk up to a brick layer and ask him for directions and he started asking:
Peee peee please ay ay ay ay am loo oo loooo loooking for iiiiikorodu ro ro road
The bricklayer replied to the stammerer: Jus jus just fofo fo follow the the nes nes 2 2 streeet and and turn right thats ikorodu ikorodu road!
The stammerer got angry and gave the bricklayer a hot slap shouting are are u joking joking with me ? The bricklayer surprised , replied : No i am a stammerer like you!!!!

@ oluwizard

So you are here!  I hope this time you will promise only what you are in a position to deliver.[color=#990000][/color]

It is something between the two of us!

A young man saw his elderly uncle at a Family gathering and happily rushed up to him.  He was surprised by the response he got, A COLD SHOULDER! He was accused of showing affection only because this is a Family gathering.  His uncle accused him of not making any attempt to either visit or call.
The perplexed young man defended himself thus: But Uncle, I tried your number on several occasions but everytime the response I got is "SORRY, THE NUMBER YOU ARE CALLING IS NOT RESPONSIBLE!"

Wow, that was,

this is for the pastors

A minister warmed up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am goin.g to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''. On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.'' Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6 "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his
mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong,

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped in. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act He immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. he went to tell Jim the news. "Jim, I have good new and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself, I put her there to dry,

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied,

"Well last night daddy came into my bed room and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.

"We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later, Leroy finds himself in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth.

" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says,
"Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said.

"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

three handsome nigerians men meet one pretty lady after church communion service,the men decided 2 introduce them self,the first man say i am PAUL but not the POPE,the second man say i am PETER but not the SAINT and the last man say i am JOHN not the BAPTIST.The pretty lady say hello to her new friends and introduce herself as MARY but not A VIRGIN

beyunce:

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied,

"Well last night daddy came into my bed room and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."

Still laughing over that joke baby,

beyunce:

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-going to sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.

"We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later, Leroy finds himself in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Hahahahahahaha!

What about true Nigerian jokes?

Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?
Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell
plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',
if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell?

A flight from London to Kano develops faults in
Nigerian airspace.
Very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.

"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting
flight 007"
"Do you copy?"
Kano tower; - "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"
British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical
faults"
Kano tower; - "kai haba!"
British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"
Kano tower; - "okay plight 00Seben kan you tune fawa
in injin?"
British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"
Kano tower;- "Walahi?"
British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"
Kano Tower;- "Kan u kom down to altitude twenty
thousand pit?"
British Airways; - "negative tower, wings wont
respond"
Kano tower; - "kai!"
British Airways; - "negative didnt copy that tower"
Kano Tower; - "okay d flane will kom down in som time
due to low injin =
fawa, ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due
1st sebenty digri"
British Airways; - "Negative, can't activate the
landing gear"
Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'
British Airways; - "awaiting order, flight 007"
Kano Towers;- "okay refit apta me"
British Airways; - "okay what?"
Kano Tower; - "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU
ANNA MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI! (Prayer for the
dead!)

lmao, hausa ppl sha

Yes ooooooooo Only God can save those people from the consequences of mispronunciation

lol, they try sha

:d :d :d :d :d :d :d :d ;d ;d

There where two men travelling by air one day until suddenly,their plane crashed on an island in the middle of nowhere.The villagers of the island captured the two men and told them to collect ten fruits of there choice from the island and bring them back 4 their tribal initiation.So,the two men seperated in search of fruit.
The first man came back with ten oranges and so his initiation began.The villagers held him down and started to stuff the ten oranges in the guy nyash.As they where doing this,this guy was crying blood!But as soon as they stuffed the last one in,he looked up and started laughing.The villagers where puzzled and asked him,"Why are U laughing".Then, he pointed and said"See the other guy dey carry Pineapple come"!

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the situation in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air-conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or here I'll sue you" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a Lawyer?"

A man climbs to the top of mount Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "What does a million years mean to you? The Lord replies "A minute". Then he asks "What does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny" then he asks, can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".

Damn,
that guy will never get the money.

hahhahaha , na wa for you ooo@crazykid,

A Son who was in a school far from home once wrote text message to his father. Father, the situation here is critical. Please, send me some money, suicide contemplated.

The Father replied, Son, the situation at home is more critical. Suicide approved.

When Pope John the 2nd was about to die, he summoned Ex-Governor Alams and our ex-Military Head of state, Babangida to St. Peter's Rome.
They were surprised to receive such an urgent invitation by the Holy Father and for the first time, so they hurriedly made the trip to Rome.

On reaching Rome, they were ushered into the presence of the Holy Father while on his sick bed, barely could he talk.
He signalled Alams to the left side of his bed and Babangida to his right.
The two stood there for a while waiting for the Pope who merely stared the ceiling to utter some words, but none came.

Babangida, now mustered courage to ask the Pope why he sent for them, especially him, giving the fact that he is a moslem and not a Christian?

After some more while the Pope now managed to speak telling them that when Jesus was about to die, he did between two thieves and that he is happy dying same way.

A girl named Lydia from the Middle Belt after her graduation from a college of Health went for an interview while her uncle is one of the interviewer and the following conversation ensued:

Intervieweer: Names
Lydia: Lydia Nyoms
Interviewer: State of Origin:
Lydia Kaduna.
Interviewer: Sex
Lydia became confuse on how she can answer such question while her uncle was there, she look at him and he said answer now Sex?
she now answer, occassionally!!!

Hey beyunce, i must say dat i enjoyd ur jokes alot, do keep dem rollin onnnnn, i wnna keep smilin thru Life,

Absolutely hilarious