|Join Nairaland / Login / Trending / Recent / New|
Stats: 1213082 members, 1572420 topics. Date: Thursday, 31 July 2014 at 10:29 AM
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by dayojong(m): 12:23pm On Aug 10, 2005|
Naija women could be smart u know...
A plane was about to crash and 3 women were planning how they would be rescued after the crash. The jewish woman put on her expensive diamonds...''the rescuers will see the sparkle and rescue me first'' she reasoned. The French woman started applying her make-up..''well, I hope they see all the colour combination and they get to rescue me first''.
The Nigeria woman stripped Unclad just a few seconds to the crash. ''Why did u do that?'' the other ladies asked her.
''Well, everybody knows that the first thing they look for after a plane crash is...the black box!''
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by hotangel2(f): 6:34am On Aug 11, 2005|
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by layi(m): 2:09pm On Aug 12, 2005|
? Didnt understand that either . What has black box got to do with a Unclad woman. Explain. Oops dont bother cos explaining a Joke defeats the purpose. Let keep the jokes short n ribcracking.
I love Jokes
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by dayojong(m): 11:22am On Aug 15, 2005|
C'mon ppl...she's a black woman..black box...duh
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by WesleyanA(f): 6:52am On Aug 16, 2005|
There was a plane going overseas. The pilot realized after they had taken off that the plane was carrying too much weight. If they didn't lighten the load they were going to crash.
So they dumped the freight.
The plane was still too heavy. Then they dumped the luggage. Still too heavy! So the pilot announced to the passengers what was going on, and asked for about 15 volunteers to jump off the plane with a parachute. The navy had been alerted, so they would have ships waiting for them below. And they would get a pass to fly free on this airline for the rest of their lives.
No one budged.
The pilot asked again, still no one moved.
So the pilot says: "OK, we're going to do pick people to jump, but fairly.
We'll go by alphabet, race by race: Please All African Americans step to the front of the plane now!"
No one moved.
He then says: "All Blacks, step to the front, please."
No one still moved.
"All Coloreds step to the front, please."
Still no one moved.
At this point a little boy asked his father: "Dad, aren't we African American or Black or Colored?"
The father says: "No, son, today we're Negroes. And if someone doesn't hurry up and step up to the front, we're gonna be Zulu!"
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by hotangel2(f): 8:01am On Aug 16, 2005|
Wesley where di u get that from?? I am laughing so hard. I love jokes.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by WesleyanA(f): 8:12am On Aug 16, 2005|
i read it from some site a long time ago ...and so when i saw that post/joke about the plane crash and the black box it reminded me of it so i had to look for it......
my bad... i just found it somewhere else on this site.. who cares anyways
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by Scorpio(f): 7:55pm On Oct 31, 2005|
One day, baba sege was so lucky to come across a fairy, he was really nice to her, so she decide to pay him back. she then proceeded to ask him wat he wanted. in reply, baba sege said he wanted to look like Atiku( as in look handsome), to which the fairy hissed and said'' i asked you to name a favour not a miracle''
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by vizion: 1:53pm On Nov 01, 2005|
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in."
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by ecorel(m): 1:21pm On Dec 09, 2005|
i luv d jokes in here coz ama 9ja boy. while mine goes thus:
there is waz dis pastor wey dey thief church money everytime they're in prayer, he will make sure evry1 close his/ha eyes b4 he will start 2 pray. so one day afta d oferin he ordered evry1 2 close him eye mak dem pray, of course as usual evry1 did, he started prayin............d pastor then deep his hands in2 d oferin bowl pack some money and wen he wanted to put d money into his pocket he opened his eyes to look around he meet eye to eye with one elder who came late, d pastor waz very brave to say BLESSED ARE THOSE THAT SEE AND KEEP QUITE and d elder replied FOR THEY SHALL RECEIVE THEIR REWARD AFTER THE SERMON. as in they will share the money afta d church
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by christyne(f): 4:49pm On Dec 09, 2005|
A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?" "No, I didn't know that." The man replied. "So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend. The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out." So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!" Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here?"
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by Oracle(m): 1:00am On Dec 19, 2005|
Guess what the Elephant said to the Unclad man
HOW DO U BREATHE THROUGH THAT THING
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by ghettochyk(f): 6:12am On Jan 15, 2006|
one day, 4 men went up to a mountain to give a sacrifice to their god. they were nigerian, chinese, enlish, and indian.
english man: "this is for my people". and he jumped down the mountain.
"chinese man: "this is for my people" and he jumped down.
when it was the nigerian's turn, he says: " this is for my people" and he pushes the indian man down the mountain.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by matieu: 10:42am On Jan 16, 2006|
men i really love d jokes here,any way, this wan happen when i travel go aba, i come happen 2 attend wan church program.pastor was preaching to the congragation.
pastor:if u know that your wife is beautiful then come out and sow a wonderful seed.
anyway, people whose wife were beautiful started responing to the pastor's request.so them begin dey drop ten thouand, 20ton, 30 and so on.but this particular guy came out and dropped one miserable 5 naira. so the pastor noticed the amount the guy dropped and called his attention.
pastor to the guy:mr man, is your wife not beautiful why did u have to drop 5 naira in to the offering box.
man to the pastor:pastor mmmmm, if u see my wife pastor, infact u go give me change
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by dayojong(m): 1:50am On Jan 25, 2006|
Hey naija ppls check this out:
Last year, the Russians started digging an Archeological site in Siberia. After digging 500ft, they found some copper wire dating back 5,000 years. Thus, they concluded that their ancestors had been using copper wired telephones as far back as 5,000 years ago.
Not to be outdone, the Americans started digging their own site too. At 800ft,they found some Fibre Optic material dating back to 8,000 years! The logical conclusion? Their anscectors were better than the Russians. They had Fibre optics way before the Russian copper-wired telephones.
As the debate raged, the Nigerians decided to commence digging somewhere around Jigawa state( I was in the Archeology team )...We dug all the way to 1,200 feet and found---nothing . The obvious conclusion? Our fore fathers had been using WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY over 12 thousand years ago...
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by ghettochyk(f): 1:56am On Jan 25, 2006|
you so crazy!!
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by camara(f): 11:45am On Feb 03, 2006|
there was this guy when they say some1 wo wo wo u understand,he was so ugly that community sef no fit accept am.he decided to go to church and the congregation seein him thot it was the devil so every 1 fled.he saw the church had rejected him he decided to kill himself sayin at least God won't reject him.When he get's to heavens gate the ff.conversatin takes place
(boy knocks at heavens gate)
angel gabriel:can i be of help to u
boy:i'm home,i've come to my father,my creator.let me in.
angel gabriellooks at him then says) bros i'ts not my God that made u
seein he was also rejected in heaven he decides to go to hell that being his last option
he knocks at hell's gate
devil:who's there again
boy knocks again
devil:i'm comin hold ur horses
(as the devil opens the gate)
devil:shoutsBLOOD OF JESUS
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by silverbird(f): 12:34pm On Feb 11, 2006|
HOW INTELLIGENT ARE YOU?
Queen Elizabeth: Who is your mother's child that is neither your brother or sister?
Tony Blair: It's me.
Obasanjo: Nodded in agreement.
Obasanjo: Who is your mother's child thet is neither your brother or your sister?
Atiku: Hold on. (Called Thambo Mbeki and asked the same question).
Mbeki: It's me.
Atiku: (Answered) It's Thambo Mbeki.
Obasanjo: (Hissed) How intelligent can u ever be? It's not Mbeki, it's Tony Blair.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by silverbird(f): 12:45pm On Feb 11, 2006|
A fat woman and a thin woman went to the Gym. On getting out, this conversation took place;
Fat woman: (Angry) GOD, I will destroy the talking weighing machine one day.
Thin woman: (Puzzled) Why?
fat woman: Anytime i get on the weighing machine, it keep shouting, 'One at a time please'.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by truthhurts(f): 3:21pm On Feb 15, 2006|
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by truthhurts(f): 3:38pm On Feb 15, 2006|
W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day,
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men, The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by truthhurts(f): 3:41pm On Feb 15, 2006|
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so silly and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me silly so I would be attracted to you!
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by truthhurts(f): 3:49pm On Feb 15, 2006|
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 3:43am On Feb 17, 2006|
Two friends, a Nigerian and a Japanese, graduated from an American university and went to work their respective countries. Ten years later, the Nigerian went to Japan to visit his friend. His friend met him at the airport and took him to his house. He was surprised to see a mansion, with two BMW 5-series vehicles parked in front of the mansion. He asked his friend, the Japanese, how he’d gotten so wealthy. The Japanese pointed to the highway they had left behind. He said, “See that, 10%”.
One year later the Japanese came to Nigeria to return the visit. His friend, the Nigerian, met him at the airport and took him to his house. He was surprised to see a big palace, with two BMW 6-series, two hummer Jeeps and two Lincoln Navigators parked in front of the palace. He was so shocked, he couldn’t say anything – he could only point. The Nigerian then pointed to the road they had left behind. He said, “See that, 100%”. The Japanese was very puzzled, as all he saw was a bush.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 3:50am On Feb 17, 2006|
The Super Eagles got together, and decided on a match bonus of $15,000 per player. They then sent their captain Okechukwu Uche to Abuja (the capital of Nigeria) in order to present these demands before the NFA (National Football Association) chairman.
Upon hearing what Uche had to say, a big smile appeared on Mr. Aminu's face as he replied: "yes! but you guys must adhere to my terms and conditions."
Uche replied: ", tell me what they are and we shall consider."
Aminu then said: "we shall pay you an additional appearance fee of $500 per minute for every player; if you lose your matches like you are doing now, you get an extra $5000 for your efforts; plus an all expenses paid trip to France 98 for all you families and friends!"
Uche: "Wow! you must be kidding!!"
Aminu: "Yes, but you started it."
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 3:55am On Feb 17, 2006|
A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally certified via resident status, but the lady was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda.
Upon marriage, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together.
The Naija man was somewhat perplexed, although not perceptibly, and wondered how he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and postponed until he could do so no more.
Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own don spoil today" was all he could think.
The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. "Hey! It's not every day you meet people from home.!" they admonished.
Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti ja wa?" ("I'm a Lagos man. Where do you come from?"
The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi se! Omo Eko gan gan!" ("Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child!"
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 3:58am On Feb 17, 2006|
There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.
However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so, " Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 4:01am On Feb 17, 2006|
An American priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a British police officer on vacation came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Nigerian Businessman came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "If you are really a Nigerian then you don't have to pay since you are from the same country as Akeem Olajuwon the basketballer."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Nigerians in front of his door waiting for a haircut!!!
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 4:04am On Feb 17, 2006|
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the French contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the Nigerian contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from France."
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by GL(f): 4:16am On Feb 17, 2006|
A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoo for sightseeing. On getting to the section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving out plenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. The more the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.
This young man suddenly had an idea and when he got back to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.
During his next visit to London, he went into the zoo and took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money than the real monkeys.
The king of the monkeys didn't like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had to go on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey who now became the new king.
The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into the cage. The new king pocketed his money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could not comprehend this and would not allow all that money to go away like that; so he jumped into the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion's cage.
The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.
Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:
"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you."
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by IBBFan(m): 9:09pm On Feb 18, 2006|
@GL hey girl, i love your naija jokes. baby, you too mush. holla @ your boi sumtym.
|Re: Nigerian Jokes by IBBFan(m): 9:25pm On Feb 18, 2006|
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
|Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health |
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket
Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2014 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See Nairalist and How To Advertise. 101