I need honest and constructive advice from my Beloved Nairalanders. I have been married for a little over a year now. In the earlier years of our relationship, it seemed as though we shared similar values (still does sometimes) but must importantly, even though I loved him desperately, I knew he loved me even more. Barely a couple of months into our marriage, I fell pregnant. Though it was a fairly easy pregnancy compared to most other horrible experiences I've come across, I was left with zero sex drive. I'd always be quite fit and beautiful but the pregnancy made me feel permanently ill and unattractive and this affected my desire for sex. Despite this, I kept at it knowing fully well that there was another person with needs and desires to be met. Sex stopped being as frequent as before - but it was there.
Between then and now, my husband has become a serial cheat. Keeping late nights everyday with all sorts of women calling even when he finally gets home by 2am.


He is being mentally and emotionally abusive (never physically because he is too manipulative for that) . The worst part of it is that as a woman you know when your husband is cheating. I see the proofs - phone conversations, captured nude screen shots of other women etc... And he keeps trying to make me feel like I'm crazy and paranoid. It has gotten to the stage where I feel so rubbed and cheated. I cringe when he touches me now and try to force a reaction when we are having sex. I simply can't shake the feeling of hurt and betrayal. And I now feel as though I'm being held prisoner because in my heart I know I deserve better.

I've got 2 degrees from some of the best universities in the Nigeria. I have a job that most people could only dream of. I earn at least 3 times more than what he earns. And in the few months after the birth of my baby, I have returned to a size 6. Yet I still try to be the wife our mothers teach us to be. I know better hence I feel deeply cheated. Try as I may, this feeling has taken over my mind to the point where even the thought of being intimate with him feels like a betrayal to myself and fills me with disgust! At this point, I'm at the end of my ropes and I don't know what to do... Kindly advice... Thank you.

Hmmm... This is pathetic! You and your hubby really need help. Well, every problem has a foundation and a solution. You must get to the source before you find the solution. Please ask yourself some questions like: how did all these problems start? Where have we (you and your hubby) gone wrong? What is the foundation of your marriage? I must tell you that problems are common in life but there are always solutions. Direct your problems to the Greatest Problem Solver (God). If you aren't His Child yet, you can become One now and desperately seek a solution by faith in Him.
Wish you all the best

He truly doesn't deserve you, if he could be this wicked because of sex how much more when you don't have a job and rely on him, my sister if he is still cheating run while u have the chance before he would give you aids and spoil your future

Solution:
* Give ur Life to JESUS:
Be Born again,surrender all to him,he cares for u,he loves u, knows ur pain/hurt, 'Come to me all ye dt labour n heavy in heart n i will give u rest'. Welcome d Holy Spirit ur best Counsellor,Guide,Teacher,Standby,Best Friend into ur life, Develop a Personal r/p with ur Creator, make him nos 1 followed by ur Husband.
* Prayer of Forgiveness:
'The Lord's prayer say ' Forgive us our Sins,as we forgive those who trespass/sin against us......' , Pray dt God shld forgive u ur Sins- of Anger,Hurts in ur heart towards ur partner, Pray for a Clean Heart, By d Blood of Jesus n free urself from every thought dt keeps u in boundage by d Blood of Jesus.
*Pray God for a New Love towards ur partner, there is nothing we ask God from a Clean Heart dt he does not ANSWER us.
* Forgive ur Partner Consciously ,Sincerely,from within in Prayers to God by d Blood of Jesus,make it ur creed every time d thoughts rises from within.
* With d WISDOM of GOD : Express urself verbally to ur partner,empty ur mind to Him and BE CAREFUL DO NOT CONDEM,ABUSE,JUDGE ur partners for his acts ,Remember u have forgiven him. Tell him u have forgiven him.
*ALWAYS PRAY 4 Him- his will,mind,emotions,spiritual,social,physical life everything should conform to Gods Standard.
*ALWAYS LOVE ur partner:
Pregnancy/Baby/Job/Too much Activity, should Not hinder ur INTIMACY/SEX LIFE with ur partner.
Treat him like a Baby -He wants dt, cos other ladies will treat him like dt if u dont.
* Apreciate/Respect Him,DO NOT Over-Look His Act of Kindness, Tell him SWEET WORDS cos he want dt.
* LOVE YOURSELF:
Pamper urself wit good things, ALWAYS LOOK VERY VERY ATTRACTIVE TO HIM,
Good outfits, make up,romantic fragrances,make ur home/room attractive,healty foods. etc
* Read Good Books dt address ur situation, Go On-Line for informations .
* INITIATE FAMILY PRAYERS it helps, A FAMILY THATS PRAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.

Just tell him what you just wrote here, and if he still continues....send him out of your house ....


Aids is real and even if you don't care for yourself, think about your child.

I don talk my own!

ideal94: Solution:
* Give ur Life to JESUS:
Be Born again,surrender all to him,he cares for u,he loves u, knows ur pain/hurt, 'Come to me all ye dt labour n heavy in heart n i will give u rest'. Welcome d Holy Spirit ur best Counsellor,Guide,Teacher,Standby,Best Friend into ur life, Develop a Personal r/p with ur Creator, make him nos 1 followed by ur Husband.
* Prayer of Forgiveness:
'The Lord's prayer say ' Forgive us our Sins,as we forgive those who trespass/sin against us......' , Pray dt God shld forgive u ur Sins- of Anger,Hurts in ur heart towards ur partner, Pray for a Clean Heart, By d Blood of Jesus n free urself from every thought dt keeps u in boundage by d Blood of Jesus.
*Pray God for a New Love towards ur partner, there is nothing we ask God from a Clean Heart dt he does not ANSWER us.
* Forgive ur Partner Consciously ,Sincerely,from within in Prayers to God by d Blood of Jesus,make it ur creed every time d thoughts rises from within.
* With d WISDOM of GOD : Express urself verbally to ur partner,empty ur mind to Him and BE CAREFUL DO NOT CONDEM,ABUSE,JUDGE ur partners for his acts ,Remember u have forgiven him. Tell him u have forgiven him.
*ALWAYS PRAY 4 Him- his will,mind,emotions,spiritual,social,physical life everything should conform to Gods Standard.
*ALWAYS LOVE ur partner:
Pregnancy/Baby/Job/Too much Activity, should Not hinder ur INTIMACY/SEX LIFE with ur partner.
Treat him like a Baby -He wants dt, cos other ladies will treat him like dt if u dont.
* Apreciate/Respect Him,DO NOT Over-Look His Act of Kindness, Tell him SWEET WORDS cos he want dt.
* LOVE YOURSELF:
Pamper urself wit good things, ALWAYS LOOK VERY VERY ATTRACTIVE TO HIM,
Good outfits, make up,romantic fragrances,make ur home/room attractive,healty foods. etc
* Read Good Books dt address ur situation, Go On-Line for informations .
* INITIATE FAMILY PRAYERS it helps, A FAMILY THATS PRAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.

Oga Relax!!

You may not like my advice, but I honestly do not think you should have married him. You should ask yourself why you married him. Was he cheating before marriage - be truthful? Were you getting older and desperate?

Truth is that you think you are better than your husband, that's why you had to mention how much more you earn. And he probably married you because you were very successful too and you were getting desperate. This happens all the time.

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk, and pray fervently, cos, from what you have described, both of you are already divorced but still living together probably for society sake.

He that knows his problems,has got half d solution to that probs. Now sit down nd tink hard on how to handle it cos no body knows ur husband as much as u do. good luck though.

Why do women always feel the need to tell us what they earn esp when they earn more than their husband? is it a kind of trend on Nl? Anyway your salary has nothing to do with your story, or you are trying to tell us that he doesn't worth you? Anyway sha you know what's the best for u

Nashville: You may not like my advice, but I honestly do not think you should have married him. You should ask yourself why you married him. Was he cheating before marriage - be truthful? Were you getting older and desperate?

Truth is that you think you are better than your husband, that's why you had to mention how much more you earn. And he probably married you because you were very successful too and you were getting desperate. This happens all the time.

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk, and pray fervently, cos, from what you have described, both of you are already divorced but still living together probably for society sake.

Get the Bleep out of my head lmao

Gbam

the fact dt u know wht d prob is, u ve solve it half way. Now imagine u advising a friend truthfully on ds issue wht ll u tell her? that then is ur solution.

Nashville: You may not like my advice, but I honestly do not think you should have married him. You should ask yourself why you married him. Was he cheating before marriage - be truthful? Were you getting older and desperate?

Truth is that you think you are better than your husband, that's why you had to mention how much more you earn. And he probably married you because you were very successful too and you were getting desperate. This happens all the time.

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk, and pray fervently, cos, from what you have described, both of you are already divorced but still living together probably for society sake.

Nothing wrong in marrying him. She only started feeling important when she noticed her hubby's behaviour.

Some pregnancies can kill sex drive. You and your husband should have researched that or see a Doctor so that he would understand.

But because the OP's hubby has tasted outside, its becoming difficult for him to stop especially when she is unresponsive now. The only way out is to talk, talk and talk. Make him understand u are very aware of his cheating and its killing you.

Am sure things will turn around!

@ op you need deliverance.are you not the one that created a thread about mistress writes to wife.smh,mshewwwww.e be like say you no get work this friday afternoon

CAMEROONPRIDE: Why do women always feel the need to tell us what they earn esp when they earn more than their husband? is it a kind of trend on Nl? Anyway your salary has nothing to do with your story, or you are trying to tell us that he doesn't worth you? Anyway sha you know what's the best for u

Nothing wrong with what she said.
You lots are eventually gon ask her what she's contributing to the home hoping to pin the fault on that factor or you say her story is incomplete.She saved herself the trouble.

Now,you get the full picture or are you still waiting for the other side of the story?

slimyem: Nothing wrong with what she said.
You lots are eventually gon ask her what she's contributing to the home hoping to pin the fault on that factor or you say her story is incomplete.She saved herself the trouble.

Now,you get the picture or are you still waiting for the other side of the story?

Wrong, all she is trying to say is that I desereve someone better than this guy. What she hasn't told us is her husband's reaction to all of this. Has he been complaining about anything. I am a married man too and I married a woman I loved. If he really loved her as she claimed, he would not behave like that and show no remose unless she has also been doing something he hates.

No excuse for cheating and cheating is intolerable. But I still believe the poster sincerely believes she deserves better than the man she ended up with and he on his part just doesnt care anymore. They need serious prayers. Both seem to have given up!

^^,lmao are u on mission? Her story sounds like someone who has already taken her decision. + she sounds bitter and angry..read again her last paragraph...who cares about her degrees or salary? She can always earn that and still not contribute ( very common about women)

She is just being boastful

I'm too good blah blah blah , my husband doesn't deserve me blah blah

@op,no comment

Nashville:

Wrong, all she is trying to say is that I desereve someone better than this guy. What she hasn't told us is her husband's reaction to all of this. Has he been complaining about anything. I am a married man too and I married a woman I loved. If he really loved her as she claimed, he would not behave like that and show no remose unless she has also been doing something he hates.

No excuse for cheating and cheating is intolerable. But I still believe the poster sincerely believes she deserves better than the man she ended up with and he on his part just doesnt care anymore. They need serious prayers. Both seem to have given up!

@bolded..doesn't she? Thankfully,you answered the question yourself.
...and how come you didn't see the husband's reaction..

He is being mentally and emotionally
abusive (never physically because he is too manipulative for that) . [s]The worst part
of it is that as a woman you know when your husband is cheating. I see the proofs
- phone conversations, captured Unclad screen shots of other women etc..[/s]. And he keeps trying to make me feel like I'm crazy and paranoid.

...or is this not a reaction?

I don't support his cheating but I think you both are to blame here.....you denied him sex??

I have a huge problem with a man who gets it all the time but still he insists he must keep a mistress outside his home and this isn't the case.

A sex starved person is an insane person, don't expect sanity.

CAMEROONPRIDE: ^^,lmao are u on mission? Her story sounds like someone who has already taken her decision. + she sounds bitter and angry..read again her last paragraph...who cares about her degrees or salary? She can always earn that and still not contribute ( very common about women)

She is just being boastful

I'm too good blah blah blah , my husband doesn't deserve me blah blah

She won't be here if she's taken a decision.
Her mistake was getting pregnant and losing appetite for sex and her last paragraph was explaining her efforts at remedying that and making you see that she's not a liability so that angle is not the problem.(its one you'd have loved to explore if she didn't spell it out)
Clearly,you are the one with an agenda.

slimyem: @bolded..doesn't she? Thankfully,you answered the question yourself.
...and how come you didn't see the husband's reaction.....or is this not a reaction?

My question is why did she agree to marry someone she feels much better than. It may sound offensive to poster, but I think she always felt she was better than this guy but agreed to marry based on reasons best known to her - again this is my opinion.

What she described as husband's reaction is very vague. He is being emotionally and mentally abusive? For me doesnt say too much, but may be just a cheap shot at the guy. I am not supporting the guy here at all, all I am just saying is that marriages will always have issues. Sometimes what the couple need to do is just remind each other why they got married in the first place. What they found most exciting about each other. For this couple, I am sorry, it seems they both cant find a reason to be in the marriage anymore apart from having a child or soceity.

Her mistake was to refuse to have se.x with her husband.period she failed her duty as q wife.
BTW she could have fake it(the appetite/pleasure) , women are good at it , opening your legs for your husband ain't that difficult.

And I insist her salary and degrees weren't necessary, except if that's the reason she wants to go( I assume) , maybe she feels like she settled for less. What if the dude earned more than her or was very rich? I bet the story would not b on Nl.

BTW it is a known fact that women use their money for themselves and themselves only...

The poster is named pacificguy,is that a female or a male?
The story strikes me of a female living in Nigeria
Pacificguy says this in another post

PacificGuy: Hello Nairalanders,

I live in the west coast of USA, and wish to re-issue (current passport is already 10 yrs).
I plan to go to New York or Washington, DC, for the new e-passport.
Does anyone have experience with Nigerian Embassy in Washington, DC or Nigerian Consulate in New York?

This pacificguy is a man trying to impose a woman, well what about trying this:

ideal94: Solution:
* Give ur Life to JESUS:
Be Born again,surrender all to him,he cares for u,he loves u, knows ur pain/hurt, 'Come to me all ye dt labour n heavy in heart n i will give u rest'. Welcome d Holy Spirit ur best Counsellor,Guide,Teacher,Standby,Best Friend into ur life, Develop a Personal r/p with ur Creator, make him nos 1 followed by ur Husband.
* Prayer of Forgiveness:
'The Lord's prayer say ' Forgive us our Sins,as we forgive those who trespass/sin against us......' , Pray dt God shld forgive u ur Sins- of Anger,Hurts in ur heart towards ur partner, Pray for a Clean Heart, By d Blood of Jesus n free urself from every thought dt keeps u in boundage by d Blood of Jesus.
*Pray God for a New Love towards ur partner, there is nothing we ask God from a Clean Heart dt he does not ANSWER us.
* Forgive ur Partner Consciously ,Sincerely,from within in Prayers to God by d Blood of Jesus,make it ur creed every time d thoughts rises from within.
* With d WISDOM of GOD : Express urself verbally to ur partner,empty ur mind to Him and BE CAREFUL DO NOT CONDEM,ABUSE,JUDGE ur partners for his acts ,Remember u have forgiven him. Tell him u have forgiven him.
*ALWAYS PRAY 4 Him- his will,mind,emotions,spiritual,social,physical life everything should conform to Gods Standard.
*ALWAYS LOVE ur partner:
Pregnancy/Baby/Job/Too much Activity, should Not hinder ur INTIMACY/SEX LIFE with ur partner.
Treat him like a Baby -He wants dt, cos other ladies will treat him like dt if u dont.
* Apreciate/Respect Him,DO NOT Over-Look His Act of Kindness, Tell him SWEET WORDS cos he want dt.
* LOVE YOURSELF:
Pamper urself wit good things, ALWAYS LOOK VERY VERY ATTRACTIVE TO HIM,
Good outfits, make up,romantic fragrances,make ur home/room attractive,healty foods. etc
* Read Good Books dt address ur situation, Go On-Line for informations .
* INITIATE FAMILY PRAYERS it helps, A FAMILY THATS PRAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.

God forbid bad thing!!!! Somebody is asking for help and resonable realistic advice here and you're offering her a prayer of forgiveness and religious blah blah blah...
Chai,can you people see what religion has done to some people..**spits***
Shey una dey take una eye see am... Guy abi na woman sef,you need to be flogged seriously.. Your own don comot from xtianity enter mental religious disorder..

Nashville:

My question is why did she agree to marry someone she feels much better than. It may sound offensive to poster, but I think she always felt she was better than this guy but agreed to marry based on reasons best known to her - again this is my opinion.

What she described as husband's reaction is very vague. He is being emotionally and mentally abusive? For me doesnt say too much, but may be just a cheap shot at the guy. I am not supporting the guy here at all, all I am just saying is that marriages will always have issues. Sometimes what the couple need to do is just remind each other why they got married in the first place. What they found most exciting about each other. For this couple, I am sorry, it seems they both cant find a reason to be in the marriage anymore apart from having a child or soceity.

@Nash, you are in line with the poster's problem and solution.I think she got married thinking that her wealth will give her happiness.I have ladies in mid forties in my organization still feeling like that.
@Op be real and think more about family than yourself.

imperiouxx: This pacificguy is a man trying to impose a woman, well what about trying this:

Lawd ham mercy!Is that a church?

The poster had dis issues before getting married to him. So get over it, amend ur ways or leave d gaddam marriage n find somone on the same level as u.

@OP, You need to let go of the feeling of hurt and betrayal if you must get your marriage to the point where it was before you refused your husband sex (that was mistake No.1). But you can watch the movie Mr. & Mrs. by Nse Ikpe - Etim and Joseph Benjamin. Think it's good for wives who have cheating husbands that doesn't appreciate their worth but still want their man back. Above all, take it to the Lord in prayers. There is no situation that God cannot change, the heart of every man is in the hands of God.
Note: Wisdom is profitable to direct.

imperiouxx: This pacificguy is a man trying to impose a woman, well what about trying this:

Whoever posted this has made a beautiful weekend right.

imperiouxx: This pacificguy is a man trying to impose a woman, well what about trying this

wtf? lmfao!