Ok guys, I just need to know that I am not giving biased advise cos as I have said before I am always not too comfortable giving marital advice cos really I might looking at the issue from my POV.I would appreciate other views so as to know what next to say.

We have this family friends who got married around the same time as us.The only difference is in this case the hubby joined wife here in the uk while I joined my husband.We have same no of kids (2), almost same ages(between 1&4) and I am close to the wife.She is British and has lived here most of her life.She works for a local authority as a social worker and I must say she is quite passionate about what she does.The husband before coming over, had quite a good job in Nigeria and was already in management in a very good international company. I guess they must have reached some kind of compromise for it to be the man that relocated.

Since he got here, he has been finding difficult to actually get a job that fits his skill set.He actually got a couple of contracts in project management but they are often short term.It seems the guy is not really that crazy on continuing living here I the uk (cant say I blame him).So he started applying for jobs in Nigeria (the wife told me that he told her he was just trying his luck and was not reallu serious about it).Apparently he has a vast network in Nigeria and voila this week he was offered a very good well paying offer in Nigeria.He got back from Nigeria like a month ago so he was able to go for the interview.

Sorry for my long story but I had to give a background.Now wifey sought my advice cos she is mad at him for the fillowing reasons

~She says before they got married they agreed the uk would be their home

~He was on holiday in Nigeria how did holiday turn to going for interview

~She said she cant see herself living in Nigeria for now

~She said she does not like the idea of him living in Nigeria and she living here that the kids are still young and she cant be a married single mother as such there is no more marriage

~She said infidelity is a deal breaker for her

My intial reaction was o gal how does living in Nigeria translate to infidelity
She was like Dami are you being naive or you are playing your usual annoying devils advocate?
I said no but you said yourself that you trust him and you have never had any reason to doubt him.Her response was she does not trust Naija gals .

They have a house in Naija already so its not like there would be an additional expense for new accommodation and he said money will not be an issue he could be flying down every 2 to 3 months.
Ok my advise(as I said maybe biased cos if na me in 2 yrs max after I finish my programme I for don dey lagos dey do madam for owner's corner ) was this; You can't just give him ultimatum and say if he moves to Naija the marriage is over.Its obvious he is not happy here as his career is not progressing so dont let him resent you for tying him down.You guys talk.What do you have against Nigeria after all you are Nigerian(she went to later pry and sec school in Naija)? She said what job will she do.I said am not too sure but there are social workers in Nigeria.She kinda got upset I kept mentioning she should consider maybe moving to naija. Ok I said if you hate the Naija idea, maybe his coming every 2 months might be a compromise. She no wan hear that one too.Ok I said so what do you want.She said he should keep looking for a job here as they agreed before they married.I told her ohan you are being selfish, you cant just be rigid. Things change, you cant just say its your way or no way. You have to reach a compromise.She is not too happy with me at the mo but I dont care.


So guys could I have advised her differently?

I don't know what to say, but I know how frustrating it is when one us jobless in the UK. The man even tried for staying for 4 good years when he could have easily gotten a better job back home. she is married to a good man and shldnt jeopardise her marriage just because she wants to stay in the UK. If she decides to return, she can work with NGOs.

You did well.
How do u expect compromise wen u urself are being rigid.
Am a guy so I can undrrstand how he feels. How can he 'd provider' now b d one t be provided for n all cos he's trying t please someone.
Quoting d Bible 'he that cant provide f his fam is worse than an infidel'..abi?
Two tins, if he stays, he is going t b miserable n resent her..if he goes..anything can happen ( dnt believe families shld b seperated f long periods)
Something just has t give..

your advice was good

Its her choice but as a man, his life cannot just drift asking wifey for lebara credit

ish

@damiso,

Just bone. You don yarn your own. Leave her and her husband matter alone

I rejoice for that guy oooh! That dumb veil called love has been wiped off his face. Why would you leave ur comffy abode for the unknown because of love.

Mtcheeeew!

You have said what you are suppose to say,IMO, and if shes not comfortable with it, chill, its her marriage, let her do as she please.
One thing that i know is that, the man is not happy staying there, and i dont see anything wrong if the greener pasture is found in Nigeria, but if the woman insist, there is going to be fire on the mountain.
IMO, shes damn selfish.

You said what any reasonable woman should ve said,she should do as she please.

But they had an agreement, and now he wants to change the rules

It's not just about a good job, it's about safety, good opportunities for the young children and a good living environment.

I know men who give up good jobs to relocate their families abroad just so they can be safe . .

You see when children are involved, it's not just about money anymore, or forming big oga and driving big cars.

The Health Insurance Scheme in the UK is the best in the world. But here, NHIS is a complete write off. . Even the so called private HMOs, aside from being expensive, just look for ways to dupe their customers (talking from experience ).

Even if your have a working HMO, what about the health institutions? How many hospitals in Nigeria can attend to critical emergencies? Nobody's praying for something bad to happen, but It'll be very painful to lose someone over something that could have been corrected!

Education nko, free over there, but here you have pay through your teeth for any reasonably good education.

I know how frustrating it can be for a man to be idle, but if he's not finding something with his skill's set, maybe he should consider changing careers. I mean what did he think would happen? That his dream job will be lying on the table waiting for him to come and take it?

HE should remember why he made the decision in the first place . . It's no more about him alone!

Typical woman, crying more than the bereaved already. U have dropped ur advice but u still need to create a thread so u guys can gossip about another persons dilemma.

Ok so I was not as biased as I thought.

honey86: I don't know what to say, but I know how frustrating it is when one us jobless in the UK. The man even tried for staying for 4 good years when he could have easily gotten a better job back home. she is married to a good man and shldnt jeopardise her marriage just because she wants to stay in the UK. If she decides to return, she can work with NGOs.

Yeah she has loads of experience that would enable eveb run an NGO if she is unable to secure work readily.She is quite passionate about her job but as I said to her helping people is not necessarily a location thing.

As most people have said I think its best to just leave her as its her marriage after all . Very strong willed though.Even as a friend you suppose use tact interact if not, you just find yourself doing what she wants eg lets organise children's outing.Ok lets decide where we go, I say seaside she says Legoland.I say but we have been to Legoland.She says I dont like Seaside, it must be legoland and start arguing on the dangers of the seaside.Me I just say ok lets see, will let you know.I will not even bring up the issue again and jejely go to the seaside withy husband and kids, abi.Very nice person, generous (that legoland she for don pay and will not accept reimbursement) kind but very very rigid.

I don talk my own.Wont even bring up the topic hopefully she wont ask for my advise anymore

Gaggi: Typical woman, crying more than the bereaved already. U have dropped ur advice but u still need to create a thread so u guys can gossip about another persons dilemma.

Oga I created a thread to see if I was giving advise based on what I would do.Is it not better I seek advice anonymously rather than discuss her with other friends ?. Believe me I would rather people dont tell me their marital issues.She brought it up. And I wanted to see if I was maybe one sided.

You had the option of reading and unfollowing the thread.I know I do the same on threads I dont like

Ujujoan: But they had an agreement, and now he wants to change the rules

It's not just about a good job, it's about safety, good opportunities for the young children and a good living environment.

I know men who give up good jobs to relocate their families abroad just so they can be safe . .

You see when children are involved, it's not just about money anymore, or forming big oga and driving big cars.

The Health Insurance Scheme in the UK is the best in the world. But here, NHIS is a complete write off. . Even the so called private HMOs, aside from being expensive, just look for ways to dupe their customers (talking from experience ).

Even if your have a working HMO, what about the health institutions? How many hospitals in Nigeria can attend to critical emergencies? Nobody's praying for something bad to happen, but It'll be very painful to lose someone over something that could have been corrected!

Education nko, free over there, but here you have pay through your teeth for any reasonably good education.

I know how frustrating it can be for a man to be idle, but if he's not finding something with his skill's set, maybe he should consider changing careers. I mean what did he think would happen? That his dream job will be lying on the table waiting for him to come and take it?

HE should remember why he made the decision in the first place . . It's no more about him alone!

Uju you are right which is why I think they staying behind is not that bad.Its better to talk on how they can handle it than just saying if you take this job and move to Nigeria, no more marriage.
I also do understand her point on being a single married mother but hey ho life is not always the ideal picture of how we want it to be.

chaircover: I personally I know of 2 bank managers who left Nigeria to joint their wives. Both wives work within the health care service. One of them is a security guard and has been for the 8 years that I have known him and the other has become a nuisance spoiling his name all over the place with petty petty 419 like cons. I vaguely know of another bank manager who helps people take their yam and chicken to their cars from the shop where he works in London. The wife of the security guard confided in us that had she known she would have never insisted that her husband come to join her that she feels so sorry for him.

It’s all well and good deciding that they wanted to live in the UK, but that was then and things have changed in the UK. Jobs are not that easy to find and that is why people like me sit in permanent jobs when my contractor colleagues are earning hundreds of pounds a day because I don’t want to risk being out of a contract which is what is happening to your friend’s husband.

Does she enjoy her husband having to ask her for money for everything? If the man never had a job to start with then that is understandable, but for a man who has already had a good job and provided for his family to suddenly depend on his wife for an indefinite period then that is no good. A man is programmed to provide for his family and when the man turns round and start taking his frustrations out on her and the kids, she will be the first to complain, that she brought him to London o! And see how he is treating her.

What she needs to do is to take 13 weeks parental leave off from work and accompany her husband to Nigeria and help settle him down for when he starts his new job. They should both also sit down and discuss and thrash out practicalities such s child care etc. She should also still help him look for a job in the UK so that there is opportunity for him to come back. You also never know, his company may even eventually or already have a branch the UK.

As for the infidelity issue, a man who will cheat will cheat regardless of if he is in London or Lagos. Yes there are more opportunities if he is not living with his wife, but I want to believe that there are some men who remain faithful on which ever planet they are. Its something that they have to discuss in depth too.

She should not throw out the baby with the bathwater and a word is enough for the wise. These are one of the challenges and ups and downs that people face in marriage. Nothing good comes easy.

Nice one CC.If she brings it up again(which I know she will) I will suggest your points.

Sometimes, I wonder why some "Tokunboh" Nigerians detest the country so much as if its aliens that are the problem of the nation.

To answer your question, you gave the right advice to her. No man is happy jobless irrespective of race/ethnicity/tribe except the man is useless. In this case, the said husband was already working, earning good pay and comfortable before relocating. We all know that world economy is not smiling presently and particularly the UK. For how long does the wife think he can get a fulfilled job? What are the plans she has for him to survive without depending on him? How can she alleviate his fulfillment and happiness in providing for his family without his ego being threatened or battered?

Yes, I agree that its not all about money. However, money is also important for a man to run a family and a job to contribute and be relevant to the society. The husband didn't tell her about the interview because he knew she would object to it. She is a passionate social worker, she should start forming good partnership with donor agencies in the UK with a bid to starting her own NGO in Nigeria. As it is, am sure nothing will stop the man from accepting the job. Its better for her to wake up to reality and start planning for life in Nigeria. The man needs the job and thank God its a good one.

Who says the UK has the best health insurance in the world? You need to travel to other parts of the world where healthcare system is better in terms of cost and also more developed than the UK. That being said, Nigeria may be in trouble but its not as bad as you people paint it everyday. I believe the couple in question are not northerners. Its the place I can't advice someone to move to at the moment. With money, you can enjoy all what you need to enjoy in the country, only have to pay for it.

Ujujoan: But they had an agreement, and now he wants to change the rules

It's not just about a good job, it's about safety, good opportunities for the young children and a good living environment.

I know men who give up good jobs to relocate their families abroad just so they can be safe . .

You see when children are involved, it's not just about money anymore, or forming big oga and driving big cars.

The Health Insurance Scheme in the UK is the best in the world. But here, NHIS is a complete write off. . Even the so called private HMOs, aside from being expensive, just look for ways to dupe their customers (talking from experience ).

Even if your have a working HMO, what about the health institutions? How many hospitals in Nigeria can attend to critical emergencies? Nobody's praying for something bad to happen, but It'll be very painful to lose someone over something that could have been corrected!

Education nko, free over there, but here you have pay through your teeth for any reasonably good education.

I know how frustrating it can be for a man to be idle, but if he's not finding something with his skill's set, maybe he should consider changing careers. I mean what did he think would happen? That his dream job will be lying on the table waiting for him to come and take it?

HE should remember why he made the decision in the first place . . It's no more about him alone!

Excuse me, I am not sure you have ever lived in the UK.

Chaircover, your post was fantastic.

I have had the priviledge of living in Nigeria the US and the UK all working for some of the biggest multinationals and I will never ever advice an educated Nigeria that has a comfortable job to leave and come to the UK. It is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. My case was different cos I came as an "expart" but I pitied some of my friends. Lots of them went back home eventually. In the UK, the British are number one citizens, then the EU before non-EU. This is a guy coming with a seemingly inferior University degree (from Nigeria) and you expect to come to the UK to get the best jobs. The average person spends about 5-10 years before getting a nice corporate job in the UK.

And who says London is not dangerous. I cannot for the life of me visit some places in London e.g Brixton (no offence to anybody). You hear of knife crime all the time. And if you do not have a good job to afford a decent area of town in London, you will end up in such places living in a council flat in the midst of the lowest in the society with crime all around you.

And who says free education means good education? Education in London is based on area where you live. If you live in the rough parts of town, your children will get very terrible education and probably end up in gangs. This is a man that if he were to be in Nigeria, his kids would go to Corona or St Saviours, then he ends up putting them in some crappy school in London.

We all have only one life to live and the husband in this case can just see himself wasting away. This is a man that could be a leader in the Nigerian society, in charge of multi-million dollar projects in Nigeria having to go beg for menial jobs in London. Sometime I just feel for some people just wasting away in London in particular. Quality of life is a bit better in the US.

Damiso, you have given quality advice. You friend does not want to live in Nigeria because she probably does not have family there and does not know many people. You need to tell her the money her husband will make working in Nigeria will probably be more than twice what both of them earn right now and she herself will have a much better life. I am not saying Nigeria is a great place, all I am saying is that if you are one of the fortunate few in Nigeria, you have no business going to become a beggar in London.

Dami, I would have said exactly what you said. In a marriage, one party should not be made to feel like they are the one making all the sacrifices. That man has a life too, it may sound ridiculous but he has right to be happy and fulfilled in his choices too

the husband should stay in the UK - that was the agreement. if he cannot find jobs in project management, let him explore other options. if he goes to nigeria without his wife, he has about 90 days approximately before infidelity steps in.

I SUPPORT ur advice totally.
As a social worker,she must kmow what male ego means.

naijababe: Dami, I would have said exactly what you said. In a marriage, one party should not be made to feel like they are the one making all the sacrifices. That man has a life too, it may sound ridiculous but he has right to be happy and fulfilled in his choices too

But someone has to make the sacrifice and he agreed to it in the first place . . .

Who says it has to me the woman who suffers most . . . and believe me, she will suffer

I think the mistake was in letting the man be the one to relocate in the first place. I wouldn't have done that, I would have gone to be with my husband and not the other way round. But I bet hubby thought it will be all rosy, after all, he'll be a 'jando'.

Now things are not what he thought, he wants to bail? Sounds selfish if you ask me!

coogar: the husband should stay in the UK - that was the agreement. if he cannot find jobs in project management, let him explore
other options. if he goes to nigeria without his wife, he has about 90 days approximately before infidelity steps in.

Mr Coogar, there is diplomacy in marriage .
If a road leads u into a cul-de-sac, what do u do? Retreat of course!

jeffizy:
Mr Coogar, there is diplomacy in marriage .
If a road leads u into a cul-de-sac, what do u do? Retreat of course!

True . . . but if you keep running every time things get difficult then chances are you'll never get to your destination!
Maybe he needs to try a lil bit harder

Ujujoan:

But someone has to make the sacrifice and he agreed to it in the first place . . .

Who says it has to me the woman who suffers most . . . and believe me, she will suffer

I think the mistake was in letting the man be the one to relocate in the first place. I wouldn't have done that, I would have gone to be with my husband and not the other way round. But I bet hubby thought it will be all rosy, after all, he'll be a 'jando'.

Now things are not what he thought, he wants to bail? Sounds selfish if you ask me!

I honestly do not believe in heavy sacrifices like the above as they often backfire! As they say, the only thing constant in life is change, he has made some sacrifice by sticking his neck out in the first place and roughing it out too for 4 years, if their original decision is not working out then it makes absolute sense to revisit it now, doesn't it?

Asking a spouse to give up their career is only going to lead to resentment, especially if the other party's career is intact, no one should be made to feel like they are a bad person for wanting to pursue their dreams is all I am saying.

jeffizy:
Mr Coogar, there is diplomacy in marriage .
If a road leads u into a cul-de-sac, what do u do? Retreat of course!

which stüpid cul-de-sac?
is he suffering in the UK, he has a roof over his head, 2 beautiful children and a loving hardworking wife, does he get better than that? unemployment is not a disease, instead of sitting at home, can't he take loans and start a business? must our lives always revolve round 9 to 5?

humans just love complicating life for themselves. he wants to leave the sanity and the peace of mind in the UK to the life of chaos in nigeria. if he gets shot or heaven forbid, gets kidnapped in nigeria, it's the wife that would be running helter-skelter.....

the husband is very self-centred.

coogar: the husband should stay in the UK - that was the agreement. if he cannot find jobs in project management, let him explore other options. if he goes to nigeria without his wife, he has about 90 days approximately before infidelity steps in.

@Coogar and decline a fantastic job offee for one that is non- existent?

Ujujoan:

But someone has to make the sacrifice and he agreed to it in the first place . . .

Who says it has to me the woman who suffers most . . . and believe me, she will suffer

I think the mistake was in letting the man be the one to relocate in the first place. I wouldn't have done that, I would have gone to be with my husband and not the other way round. But I bet hubby thought it will be all rosy, after all, he'll be a 'jando'.

Now things are not what he thought, he wants to bail? Sounds selfish if you ask me!

Uju do you really think she will suffer? Me am very in touch with Nigeria oh (ok maybe most of the ones I know are comfortable) but people I know are definitely not suffering.If you ask me sef, I would rather my child goes to Corona or Greensprings than some schools in London.

damiso:
@Coogar and decline a fantastic job offee for one that is non- existent?

the fantastic job that comes with sudden death, police brutality, armed robbery, disgusting health facilities, kidnapping, etc..

i would kindly pass on that offer. my sanity + decent living is better than chaos + N50 billion/month salary.

Uju do you really think she will suffer? Me am very in touch with Nigeria oh (ok maybe most of the ones I know are comfortable) but people I know are definitely not suffering.If you ask me sef, I would rather my child goes to Corona or Greensprings than some schools in London

corona better than which schools in london? apart from the fact that you would be saving about N4 million a year, the schools here prepare the child for the world out there more than any private school in nigeria can offer.

the only reason people send their wards to expensive schools is nigeria is not because of quality education - it's more to do with networking!!

i have never heard of any student of these expensive schools besting JAMB or smashing any record in WAEC.

coogar:

the fantastic job that comes with sudden death, police brutality, armed robbery, disgusting health facilities, kidnapping, etc..

i would kindly pass on that offer. my sanity + decent living is better than chaos + N50 billion/month salary.

Coogar, you do realise you are making an informed and not being coerced unlike our man ?

naijababe:
Coogar, you do realise you are making an informed and not being coerced unlike our man ?

uhn?

coogar:

uhn?

Don't play dumb jo! You chose your sanity over N50b job! If our man wants a vice versa decision he has a right to it without being made to feel like he's the bad guy......

naijababe:

Don't play dumb jo! You chose your sanity over N50b job! If our man wants a vice versa decision he has a right to it without being made to feel like he's the bad guy......

This coogar sef ahan

50 billion naira job.(billion o) .Are you sure Really really in your shush mind??

If my husband declines 200 million(million o ) naira job in naija(cos sometimes his reasoning is like Coogar's) he is banned from our bed for life