naijababe:
Don't play dumb jo! You chose your sanity over N50b job! If our man wants a vice versa decision he has a right to it without being made to feel like he's the bad guy......

but he had promised to relocate to the UK. how about standing by his words? does it occur to you this lady might not have married him if he had insisted in staying in nigeria during their courtship? how do you know his agreement to relocate wasn't the difference that set him apart from her other suitors?

damiso:
This coogar sef ahan
50 billion naira job.(billion o) .Are you sure Really really in your shush mind??

money can't buy peace of mind and sanity - half of that N50 billion would be spent on diesel to power your generating sets. the other half to provide security to protect that N50 billion. biko, what do you have left?

If my husband declines 200 million(million o ) naira job in naija(cos sometimes his reasoning is like Coogar's) he is banned from our bed for life

you would be surprised at the number of other women that are queuing up to allow him into their beds......

damiso:
@Coogar and decline a fantastic job offee for one that is non- existent?


Uju do you really think she will suffer? Me am very in touch with Nigeria oh (ok maybe most of the ones I know are comfortable) but people I know are definitely not suffering.If you ask me sef, I would rather my child goes to Corona or Greensprings than some schools in London.

Is the man uncomfortable in the UK? It think the issue here is their careers. The man might make all the money in the world to give them the best here but will the woman find any job at all? Let's face it, Nigeria is not exactly a land of opportunities. For someone already used to a career, being Idle will drive her nuts!

She will suffer psychologically because she's being forced to live and raise her children in an environment she never thought she would.

I mean they already discussed this and made a decision. She'll be forced into giving it all up. that will also make her resentful. So I guess they have to decide who gets the right to be resentful and who gets the right to be happy . . .

This woman is a wicked wife. She wants a bitch for a man and not a husband.

A wife should support her husband. That's her job.

Women are wicked sha. They pray to God for a husband, God gives them then they don't want that man to progress in life.

Pray before you marry. That's my advice to any human being.

Let them hand each other divorces and move on with thier lives.

Life should not be this painful.

obowunmi: This woman is a wicked wife. She wants a bitch for a man and not a husband.

A wife should support her husband. That's her job.

Women are wicked sha. They pray to God for a husband, God gives them then they don't want that man to progress in life.

Pray before you marry. That's my advice to any human being.

Why are you insulting the woman nah?

She didn't force the man to relocate. He made the decision.

Did he just agree to it just to get married to her? Maybe a chance to get a green card for his kids? And now he's gotten a good job he wants to abandon her there.

If the tables were turned, I wonder what we'll call the woman. Gold-digger maybe?

coogar:

but he had promised to relocate to the UK. how about standing by his words? does it occur to you this lady might not have married him if he had insisted in staying in nigeria during their courtship? how do you know his agreement to relocate wasn't the difference that set him apart from her .....

And he did relocate and stuck it for 4 years! That to me is a man standing by his words, if that decision is not working out for him, there's nothing wrong with retracing his steps now. They are married now and if they want to be happy, they both have to be willing to make compromises together as opposed to one party making ridiculous ultimatums.

Ujujoan:

Why are you insulting the woman nah?

She didn't force the man to relocate. He made the decision.

Did he just agree to it just to get married to her? Maybe a chance to get a green card for his kids? And now he's gotten a good job he wants to abandon her there.

If the tables were turned, I wonder what we'll call the woman her. Gold-digger maybe?

Stop speculating. I'm sure he married her out of her pressure.

Now his eyes hv cleared, her true unsupportive nature has come out.

I'm also sure he didn't seek God's face before marriage. His true wife was probably in Nigeria.

Does he sound to you like some who needs green card? Pls stop.

naijababe:
And he did relocate and stuck it for 4 years! That to me is a man standing by his words, if that decision is not working out for him, there's nothing wrong with retracing his steps now.

so if monogamy is not working for a man that promised his wife he would only have one wife, he should retrace his steps back and try polygamy? na wa o. he endured it for 4 years but how determined was he to find a job? if he's not sending 50 online applications per day, then he's a lazy man!!!

They are married now and if they want to be happy, they both have to be willing to make compromises together as opposed to one party making ridiculous ultimatums.

unlike most nigerian women, this woman has a gift of foresight. she knows the moment her husband steps foot in nigeria to work, the marriage is as good as over. if he doesn't chase, the women would chase him and the society actually encourages such.....

naijababe:

I honestly do not believe in heavy sacrifices like the above as they often backfire! As they say, the only thing constant in life is change, he has made some sacrifice by sticking his neck out in the first place and roughing it out too for 4 years, if their original decision is not working out then it makes absolute sense to revisit it now, doesn't it?

Asking a spouse to give up their career is only going to lead to resentment, especially if the other party's career is intact, no one should be made to feel like they are a bad person for wanting to pursue their dreams is all I am saying.

That's exactly what will happen if the wife leaves her comfort zone in London

Ujujoan:

Is the man uncomfortable in the UK? It think the issue here is their careers. The man might make all the money in the world to give them the best here but will the woman find any job at all? Let's face it, Nigeria is not exactly a land of opportunities. For someone already used to a career, being Idle will drive her nuts!

She will suffer psychologically because she's being forced to live and raise her children in an environment she never thought she would.

I mean they already discussed this and made a decision. She'll be forced into giving it all up. that will also make her resentful. So I guess they have to decide who gets the right to be resentful and who gets the right to be happy . . .

Perfect.

They would really have to think long and hard to reach a compromise that will sit well with both of them

chaircover:
He stays & the marriage is over anyway! Resentment plus men and thier egos!!!!.
Eventually he will feel pushed to the wall and he will start an affair with someone in his own "class" who he feels comfortable with

well, it's better the marriage is over here where the woman can teach him a harsh lesson. i hate men with no spinal cord. you promised a woman you would relocate and be there for her and 4 years down the line, the lust for gulder and nkwobi soup is threatening to ruin everything....

The least they can do is to give it a chance to see if it works. Its about compromise & not all or nothing!

No one is asking her to go and live in Nigeria, but to let her husband try and do something that he enjoys and matches his skill set. They can even put a time frame on it and say 2 years for example.

so you would leave your hubby in nigeria for 2 years? i am not sure if we should take you serious. nigeria? husband? 2 years?

bukatyne:

That's exactly what will happen if the wife leaves her comfort zone in London

What comfort zone? Working as a social worker with a jobless husband and you call that comfort? Marriage is about compromise. They have tried London for at least four years and it doesnt seem to be working out. Why not try Nigeria. The man already now has a good job. She may come to Nigeria and find a much better life but she is being too rigid and selfish. The alternative is for them to live apart for a while.

I will put the husband around 35 yrs old. If he stays idle for another 5 years, he can as well forget about any headway in life because his time will have passed. Some people have been saying he should look for other sectors for employment. You folks dont know how tough the UK especially coming with a 9ja degree. I am sure the guy don apply tire without any luck.

Nashville:

What comfort zone? Working as a social worker with a jobless husband and you call that comfort? Marriage is about compromise. They have tried London for at least four years and it doesnt seem to be working out. Why not try Nigeria. The man already now has a good job. She may come to Nigeria and find a much better life but she is being too rigit and selfish. The alternative is for them to live apart for a while.

I will put the husband around 35 yrs old. If he stays idle for another 5 years, he can as well forget about any headway in life because his time will have passed. Some people have been saying he should look for other sectors for employment. You folks dont know how tough the UK especially coming with a 9ja degree. I am sure the guy don apply tire without any luck.

According to the OP, the wife has a good career going for her.

My post below refers...

bukatyne:

Perfect.

They would really have to think long and hard to reach a compromise that will sit well with both of them

If I were the woman, I'll let him relocate . . alone!

And if I catch him cheating or slacking on his marital duties, then the marriage is over.

He can't have it both ways . . . he just cant!

Nashville:
What comfort zone? Working as a social worker with a jobless husband and you call that comfort? Marriage is about compromise. They have tried London for at least four years and it doesnt seem to be working out. Why not try Nigeria. The man already now has a good job. She may come to Nigeria and find a much better life but she is being too rigid and selfish. The alternative is for them to live apart for a while.

when mistakes are made in the UK, there's always a safety net that enables people to pick themselves up and try again. when mistakes are made in nigeria, death is usually the end result. if the relocation is between the UK and say US/canada/australia, i wouldn't even bat my eyelids but it's nigeria.

I will put the husband around 35 yrs old. If he stays idle for another 5 years, he can as well forget about any headway in life because his time will have passed. Some people have been saying he should look for other sectors for employment. You folks dont know how tough the UK especially coming with a 9ja degree. I am sure the guy don apply tire without any luck.

it's in the same UK many nigerians are pocketing £300-£500 per day without breaking sweat. the husband should explore other options and make himself more marketable. he's not too old take associate exams and get well-paying jobs.

bukatyne:

According to the OP, the wife has a good career going for her.

My post below refers...

On average Social workers earn £35k per annum. If they live in London and with a family of 4, they will be struggling very hard. I mean very very hard. And that is what the husband must have seen and that's what he wants to relocate. Poster says the wife is passionate about her career not earning a huge sum. And this is a man that should be at the peak of his career and you want him to sit down idle so that she can be controlling him.

chaircover:

Cooger thats not quite true. 4 years is a long time to be out of work. I am surrounded by contractors in my field and I know how many have been/are out of work for long periods of time and I know how badly their marriages are affected. its not easy. its much easier for a woman to be out of work, but its a lot harder for a man. I have contractor friends who work in Saudi Arabia and Dubai and even Eastern Europe just to put food on their tables. Its is not easy. Gone are the days when you tell agencys not to call you if the cpmpany is paying less than £350 a day.

He wants to provide for his family and he is trying all means possible.

That's what worries me . . . he knew all these before agreeing to relocate.

I'll NEVER let my husband give up his job for an unknown for the sake of our marriage. I'll rather give up mine because like you said, it's easier for a woman to be out of work than for a man!

He should have thought of this before agreeing to those terms.

He should have known jobs weren't lying around it the UK waiting for him.

He should have known he'd have to compromise to an extent to get what he wants.

HE's changing the rules now after just 4 years and that's unfair IMO!

chaircover:
YES!!!!! If God forbid, he is out of work, has tried everything he can to get one and he is depressed about it and I can see his self esteem dropping away and someone offers him a good job in Nigeria.

i am not convinced this man has tried everything - he just wants to relocate to nigeria. he appears to me like the kind of man that does cheap comparison to his peers he left in naija.

He is happy . . the kids and I are happy. What is the point of having a miserable man around me?
The only thing is that I will make Nigeria like my backyard and we will be seeing each other a lot often than every 3 months.

hmmmm, smart woman!!!

coogar:

it's in the same UK many nigerians are pocketing £300-£500 per day without breaking sweat. the husband should explore other options and make himself more marketable. he's not too old take associate exams and get well-paying jobs.

Some people are even pocketing £1,000 per day or in jobs that pay 7 digits. Unfortunately he hasn't been that lucky or successful. For every Nigerian getting £500 per day there are 5 earning only £50 per day and that is the reality. How long does he continue to wait when he has a fat juicy job waiting for him in Nigeria. Do you know how much competition there is in the UK? All the Eastern Europeans are now there so its no longer easy.

Nashville:

On average Social workers earn £35k per annum. If they live in London and with a family of 4, they will be struggling very hard. I mean very very hard. And that is what the husband must have seen and that's what he wants to relocate. Poster says the wife is passionate about her career not earning a huge sum. And this is a man that should be at the peak of his career and you want him to sit down idle so that she can be controlling him.

So you want her to sit down idle so that he can be controlling her!

Nashville, don't bring Nigerianism into this. I do not agree with all your views but I like your general e-outlook to things.

Like I said (wrote) in my earlier post, they should sit long and hard to reach a decision that will sit well with both parties.

chaircover:

Uju sweerie actually its the other way round . . . .
She is the one who has lived here most of her life
She is the one who should have done the homework
She is the one who knows the system

What does he know?

Are you suggesting she coerced him into moving

I really don't know how many men will give up their whole life for a new country if they really didn't want to.

He had a good job in Nigeria, moving to the UK in the first place was completely unnecessary. But he must have done that for a reason . . What do you think that is?

chaircover:


What does he know? . . .He just saw the word "London" and agreed to it . . just like many in his position would have done and many are regretting just like those 2 bank managers I mentioned in one of my earlier posts.

Do you really know why those bank managers left their jobs? How can a comfortable bank manager leave his job because he heard 'london' . Many of my friends marry girls previously based there and have them relocate back to Nigeria after marriage!

I've heard of people who pull off scams in banks and use the funds to relocate with their families abroad. I personally know a Bank manager who did that.

I also know some who were on the verge of being fired, and thought getting out on their own terms was the wise way to go.

If the man left his comfortable job because he heard 'london' then I'm sorry he but he sounds very fickle. Not surprised at all he wants to bail . . .

Nashville:
Some people are even pocketing £1,000 per day or in jobs that pay 7 digits. Unfortunately he hasn't been that lucky or successful. For every Nigerian getting £500 per day there are 5 earning only £50 per day and that is the reality. How long does he continue to wait when he has a fat juicy job waiting for him in Nigeria. Do you know how much competition there is in the UK? All the Eastern Europeans are now there so its no longer easy.

how easy is it in nigeria too? the same nigeria where the job security is close to nonexistent - what's to say this man cannot be laid off after 3-6 months? you people should stop painting nigeria like it's canaan. there are people who have told me ugly stories about relocation to nigeria too.

one of my old colleagues in KWAC sold his house for about £250k here, got a job in nigeria and relocated with his family. life was good for a couple of years, then he lost his job. his efforts to get another one proved abortive....the stress got to the wife so much, she miscarried and lost her sanity as a result. they are back in the UK now having to start from scratch while the wifey is yet to recover.....

chaircover: I personally I know of 2 bank managers who left Nigeria to joint their wives. Both wives work within the health care service. One of them is a security guard and has been for the 8 years that I have known him and the other has become a nuisance spoiling his name all over the place with petty petty 419 like cons. I vaguely know of another bank manager who helps people take their yam and chicken to their cars from the shop where he works in London. The wife of the security guard confided in us that had she known she would have never insisted that her husband come to join her that she feels so sorry for him.

It’s all well and good deciding that they wanted to live in the UK, but that was then and things have changed in the UK. Jobs are not that easy to find and that is why people like me sit in permanent jobs when my contractor colleagues are earning hundreds of pounds a day because I don’t want to risk being out of a contract which is what is happening to your friend’s husband.

Does she enjoy her husband having to ask her for money for everything? If the man never had a job to start with then that is understandable, but for a man who has already had a good job and provided for his family to suddenly depend on his wife for an indefinite period then that is no good. A man is programmed to provide for his family and when the man turns round and start taking his frustrations out on her and the kids, she will be the first to complain, that she brought him to London o! And see how he is treating her.

What she needs to do is to take 13 weeks parental leave off from work and accompany her husband to Nigeria and help settle him down for when he starts his new job. They should both also sit down and discuss and thrash out practicalities such s child care etc. She should also still asssit him look for a job in the UK so that there is opportunity for him to come back. You also never know, his company may even eventually or already have a branch the UK.

As for the infidelity issue, a man who will cheat will cheat regardless of if he is in London or Lagos. Yes there are more opportunities if he is not living with his wife, but I want to believe that there are some men who remain faithful on which ever planet they are. Its something that they have to discuss in depth too.

She should not throw out the baby with the bathwater and a word is enough for the wise. These are one of the challenges and ups and downs that people face in marriage. Nothing good comes easy.

Hope ujujoan read this..
Getting Understanding is not a days job

Why are people making assumptions on information not given? Nobody knows the person of the man nor the lady in question to castigate them on what is not. Its always good to base advice on information given and if need be ask questions to clarify grey areas rather than assuming.

bukatyne:

So you want her to sit down idle so that he can be controlling her!

Nashville, don't bring Nigerianism into this. I do not agree with all your views but I like your general e-outlook to things.

Like I said (wrote) in my earlier post, they should sit long and hard to reach a decision that will sit well with both parties.

You have to look deeper. Insisting your husband sits down somewhere and not try to make progress is part of control. It may not be obvious but it is. The man is tired of the UK and she should be trying to work things out with her husband not insisting that they signed an agreement about living in the UK. There has to be a plan and an end in sight. So if the man does not find a decent job for another 5 years he should keep looking?

damiso: Ok guys, I just need to know that I am not giving biased advise cos as I have said before I am always not too comfortable giving marital advice cos really I might looking at the issue from my POV.I would appreciate other views so as to know what next to say.

We have this family friends who got married around the same time as us.The only difference is in this case the hubby joined wife here in the uk while I joined my husband.We have same no of kids (2), almost same ages(between 1&4) and I am close to the wife.She is British and has lived here most of her life.She works for a local authority as a social worker and I must say she is quite passionate about what she does.The husband before coming over, had quite a good job in Nigeria and was already in management in a very good international company. I guess they must have reached some kind of compromise for it to be the man that relocated.

[b]Since he got here, he has been finding difficult to actually get a job that fits his skill set.He actually got a couple of contracts in project management but they are often short term.[size=10pt]It seems the guy is not really that crazy on continuing living here I the uk (cant say I blame him)[/b. So he started applying for jobs in Nigeria (the wife told me that he told her he was just trying his luck and was not really serious about it).Apparently he has a vast network in Nigeria and voila this week he was offered a very good well paying offer in Nigeria. He got back from Nigeria like a month ago so he was able to go for the interview.

Sorry for my long story but I had to give a background. Now wifey sought my advice cos she is mad at him for the following reasons

~She says before they got married they agreed the uk would be their home

~He was on holiday in Nigeria how did holiday turn to going for interview

~She said she cant see herself living in Nigeria for now

~She said she does not like the idea of him living in Nigeria and she living here that the kids are still young and she cant be a married single mother as such there is no more marriage

~She said infidelity is a deal breaker for her

My intial reaction was o gal how does living in Nigeria translate to infidelity
She was like Dami are you being naive or you are playing your usual annoying devils advocate?
I said no but you said yourself that you trust him and you have never had any reason to doubt him.Her response was she does not trust Naija gals .

They have a house in Naija already so its not like there would be an additional expense for new accommodation and he said money will not be an issue he could be flying down every 2 to 3 months.
Ok my advise(as I said maybe biased cos if na me in 2 yrs max after I finish my programme I for don dey lagos dey do madam for owner's corner ) was this; You can't just give him ultimatum and say if he moves to Naija the marriage is over.Its obvious he is not happy here as his career is not progressing so dont let him resent you for tying him down.You guys talk.What do you have against Nigeria after all you are Nigerian(she went to later pry and sec school in Naija)? She said what job will she do.I said am not too sure but there are social workers in Nigeria.She kinda got upset I kept mentioning she should consider maybe moving to naija. Ok I said if you hate the Naija idea, maybe his coming every 2 months might be a compromise. She no wan hear that one too.Ok I said so what do you want.She said he should keep looking for a job here as they agreed before they married.I told her ohan you are being selfish, you cant just be rigid. Things change, you cant just say its your way or no way. You have to reach a compromise.She is not too happy with me at the mo but I dont care.


So guys could I have advised her differently?

Trying to analyze the post again esp the bolded.